I hate myself

(73 Posts)
veryobeselady Wed 10-Jun-15 20:44:51

Sorry I wasn't sure where to post this. I needed somewhere to just let out all my feelings as I'm not getting a lot of sympathy or advice in real life. I'm not a troll, been around a long time (penguins, fat ball, penis beaker), I've just name changed out of shame.

I am spending a lot of time in tears and wanting to just disappear. I'm obese. BMI is 31. I avoid looking in mirrors as I don't like what I see. My avoidance of mirrors is so bad that today I saw myself in a shop window and didn't recognise myself. I thought "god, she's a right state" and it was me. I looked 20 years older, had no dress sense, just a total fucking mess.

I spend my work lunchtimes eating my lunch in my car. This resulted from a thin colleague regularly saying "how many calories are in that?", "are you sure you should be eating that?" It's usually a fucking sandwich, pack of crisps and a bottle of water. I don't know if she's trying in some way to be helpful but its mortifying. So I either sit in my car or in the disabled toilet.

Speaking of disabled toilet - I have disabilities which affects how much I can do socially in terms of exercise classes, weight loss classes. I get support at work but the same support isn't available at home.

I did lose 2 stone back in 2012 through WW online, exercise classes and personal training and felt so proud of myself. I could wear dresses again, I made an effort to get my hair done, get a fake tan, wear heels and nice makeup. But the 2 stone came back on and turned into 3 stone back on.

Since this weight loss, my disabilities have gotten a bit worse, I also have less time and money for exercise classes. I've done it before, but this time I can't seem to get the motivation/time/money to do it again.

I get out of breath even just walking up the stairs. My trousers slide down to sit below my belly, so my belly hangs over. I am sweaty. My legs rub together. My teeth are always aching which my dentist says is due to clenching. I didn't realise I was doing this until he said so, and didn't know why until I tried to go to the toilet and couldn't (regular occurence)

I don't get any sympathy at home. My mum (who is thin) says I should be ashamed of myself (I am) and that only I can change it (true). My DH is also overweight and takes the opposite approach - that I'm lovely as I am (not true)

I spend a fortune on makeup and jewelery partly to make me feel better but mainly to distract from my weight. I spend so much I'm overdrawn. I watch stupid youtube makeup videos but I still look old fat and spotty.

I have exercise videos unopened. I have unused skipping ropes. An unused exercise ball. An unused weighted hula hoop. An unused wii fit.

Last week, I tried to get my motivation back. I thought it would help to blog about my feelings, but I've lost the motivation to update it.

I joined nutracheck which I like but I keep going over my calories.

I enlisted my personal trainer again last week but this is only 2 half hour sessions a week as its all I can afford. I'm so embarrassed at her seeing how much weight I've put on since I saw her last and feel like I'm wasting her time and my money. I lied to her about losing weight this week when I'd lost SFA cos I was going over my calories.

I cry all day every day. I cry in my bed, I cry in the toilets, I cry in my car. It's all my own fault and I hate myself for not being able to do anything about it. I should be able to do it, I did it before, but I can't seem to do it.

Thank you if you got this far. I just wanted people to sound off too because no one in real life seems to understand.

gamerchick Wed 10-Jun-15 20:56:09

I think your first stop should be your gp to sort out your obvious depression. Then take it from there.

Then go for a hair cut, get some clothes that fit you properly so they don't slide down.

Eating wise the easiest start would be to up your water and no snacking... Crisps were once described by a plastic surgeon as the Devils food.

Baby easy steps at first and tell those being negative to shut their gobs if they can't say anything pleasant.
I'm sorry you're feeling so down.. It's oozing out of your post sadflowers

veryobeselady Wed 10-Jun-15 21:09:20

I've been on anti Ds before and no wish to go on them again. I did have counselling in the past, which helped, but that was arranged through work (bullying related). I have a less sympathetic manager this time around though.

I can up my water, but not sure how that helps with the weight loss.

Yes I need to stop with the crisps and chocolate, chocolate is my biggest weakness and I don't think I can cut it out sad

FoodieMum3 Wed 10-Jun-15 21:15:19

Come over to the weightloss board here on mumsnet flowers

I was exactly where you are 2 years ago. YOU CAN change this smile

QuiteLikely5 Wed 10-Jun-15 21:15:42

Op

Could you try hypnotherapy? It could be worth a shot.

Any chance you could start walking? Just twenty mins each day - to boost your mood.

Eating wise, could you take baby steps and just gradually cut down? No big harsh steps. Just little steps.

Can you give an example of what you eat in an average day?

flowers

Quasicrystals1456 Wed 10-Jun-15 21:20:52

Well I like the sound of your DH - that's a good start!

Personally I did the following.... It was drastic and I'll get flamed to hell and back. I had a bmi of 33.

I self funded took out a loan weight loss surgery.

I had enough of anti deps and yoyo dieting.

Best 5k ever spent. It's been 4 years and nobody except DH knows. No colleagues/friends etc. no public critique of what I was/wasn't eating.

I have a life now.

Good luck whatever you do x

gamerchick Wed 10-Jun-15 21:23:06

Because water will help your skin. The skin is the largest organ in the body but the first to suffer if you don't drink enough. Being well hydrated will help when it comes to wanting a snack as will drinking a large glass before a meal. You just don't eat as much portion wise. Also your insides will run smoothly.

Yes you piss like a racehorse for a few days but your body gets used.

Just quit the crisps for now till you don't think about them. I'm a total crisp fiend but they set my gallbladder off, It's quite the motivation.

If you're crying all the time them you need a leg up. If you don't want ADs what about exercise? I've halfed my anti anxiety meds since starting to work out. 7 minute workout every morning not long after I've got up I started with. You can't talk yourself out of 7 minutes.

I don't know anything about counselling really. I don't think it's the answer long term to a lot of stuff so can't advise on that.

PurpleDaisies Wed 10-Jun-15 21:25:15

I was going to suggest the weight loss forum too. Lots of us struggling with crisps and chocolate as well-this does not in any way mean you are a failure!

I think your wider issue is self esteem. You seem to have totally tied your self worth up with how you look. It's fine to want to lose weight but you have to like yourself for who you are, not just a number on the scales.

What sorts of things do you enjoy doing? You've mentioned loads of fitness things you don't enjoy...is there anything you do like (or at least don't hate)? I recommend yoga. It might do wonders for your stress levels and stop you clenching your teeth and it's great for toning up. Don't be put off thinking it will be full of Lycra clad stick insects. All shapes and sizes where I go.

Whatever happens with the weight loss, I just hope you can find a way to be happier. Does your partner know how down you are? There was some sensible advice earlier to pop along to chat to your GP about how you're feeling at the moment and see if there's anything they can do to help. Best of luck. flowers

Annunziata Wed 10-Jun-15 21:25:30

I'm sorry you are so low my love.

Your thin colleague is a bitch- at least you can lose weight.

Start with a walk every day. Throw out all the rubbish in the house. You can do it flowers

FoodieMum3 Wed 10-Jun-15 21:29:02

Nobody should comment or judge you on a choice you made about your body Quasicrystals. Well done.

OP, my bmi was also 31 and I felt exactly like you did, which makes ME very sad now as I'm still the same person I am now with a bmi of 22, I just look different. Don't hate yourself. Just remember that you can change this, you have the power to and you deserve to look after yourself and care about yourself.
31 isn't even 'very obese' - you're quite near to being just overweight,mand the weight falls off to begin with. You're being terribly hard and down on yourself. sad

BTW, I still eat chocolate everyday, just less of it blush

Get your hair done and buy something nice (cheap, because it will be too big soon) smile

veryobeselady Wed 10-Jun-15 21:29:32

I didn't know there was a weight loss board. I don't know if MNHQ could move it?

I did try hypnotherapy for weight loss. Had no effect. I've honestly tried every diet under the sun in some way or another.

I can say what I've eaten today if that's any indication:

breakfast - two small pancakes, toasted, with original flora, glass of SS milk

lunch - lentil & bacon soup, slice of bread, 2 cans diet coke

tea - cajun chicken & chips

Snacks - squash, fun sized smarties, bar of galaxy, 99 cone from the van (cos its bloody hot where I am)

had my 1/2 hour personal training session, and took the dog for two 15 minute walks today (rest of time in garden)

I can try to get more walking in. I've heard of the 7 minute exercise thing so I might look into that. Drinking more water is also do-able.

AyMamita Wed 10-Jun-15 21:31:48

There is a wonderfully inspiring thread in Weight Loss Chat at the moment: here

Be kind to yourself. flowers

tinybellows Wed 10-Jun-15 21:32:40

Op you don't deserve to feel so terrible about yourself and you should not be ashamed.

To lose weight you need to change your mindset to feel you deserve happiness. Any attempt to change through hatred of yourself, you will sabotage. You know you can lose weight, you have done it before. But you are not allowing yourself to do it now.

Your dh sounds lovely. flowers

DipsoHippo Wed 10-Jun-15 21:33:32

From your post it sounds like everything is getting on top of you and you don't know where to start.

Can we break it down a bit, and see where to go?

So- first one is your weight- If WW worked for you before, why don't you try it again? It's years since I followed it, and I know it changed recently, but if I remember correctly you can still have your choc etc.
Or if you want to get used to counting calories, why not make yourself some lower cal lunches and dinners, so you can still have your treat? Have you worked out your calories online, so you know how many you can have? Could you stick to them Mon-Fri, and relax a bit at weekend?

Stop eating in your car or in the loo... you don't have to be hiding away, and your colleague shouldn't be commenting. Even if it is mis-fired "advice" it's bloody cheeky of her.

How long do you get for lunch? Do you have a microwave/kettle etc you can use at work? Why not start with "next week I am going to bring a healthy lunch every day" There are loads of ideas for cheap, nutritious meals in the Weight Loss pages here.

Bring your lunch, eat it at your desk/canteen/with colleagues or alone, but don't be hiding yourself away. You're worth more than that.

Eating more veg/salads/fruit should help with going to the loo. Drink your water too, to keep things moving!

What about a stroll at lunch? Even 10 mins around the block? I don't mean pounding the roads, working up a sweat. Just a dander around to get some air, stretch your legs, and if anyone in the office is being a tit, you can get away for a while

Next up- exercise... now I will hold my hands up and say I am a lazy bugger. And I have medical condition which can stop me in my tracks and I use it as an excuse So I am not going to give you a list of "exercises you should do". I would say- don't run before you can walk, literally, if you can go to your PT twice a week and get a programme to follow, that's a great start. If you try to do too much, (if you're like me) you'll get fed up quickly. Start with a reasonable work out - allowing for your disabilities- and build it up.

You sound so sad about your appearance. Hair, skin, nails etc will all improve with better eating, that's a given. But there is nothing stopping you spending a little time on pampering now. It doesn't have to be expensive, a leave in conditioner, a nice nail polish... small things to make a difference. I know you've put on weight, and you don't like it, but you can still dress well for your shape/size. Again, don't spend a fortune, but a couple of bits to tide you over. Dresses are great, as when you lose weight, they can straddle a couple of sizes, so you get wear out of them. You don't even have to go to a shop, online shopping is your friend!

Finally, don't listen to the negative comments and voices INCLUDING YOUR OWN. Listen to your Hubby. He loves you as you are, but I bet he wishes you weren't so hard on yourself. Why would you take the word of your mother and colleague as the truth, but think the person who is your buddy in life to be talking hoo-haa?

If we can help you make a start, will you let us? Advice on lunch, or where to get nice clothes for your size, or recommendations on cosmetics? My BMI is the same as yours, so I reckon we're similar clothes size

And I second the PPs advice to see your doc, if you can face it. It's good to just get it all out.

DipsoHippo Wed 10-Jun-15 21:34:20

OK crossed posts with LOADS of people as I waffled on blush

PurpleDaisies Wed 10-Jun-15 21:36:18

I've reported the thread asking mnhq to move us over to weight loss chat. There are loads of us over there who have been (or are) where you have been op and come out the other side.

gamerchick Wed 10-Jun-15 21:37:10

Maybe if you can try is not focusing on weight loss but rather making your body strong? My body has changed shape, clothes are too big and gaping but I haven't lost any weight. I no longer believe in the scales just the tape measure.

MTWTFSS Wed 10-Jun-15 21:45:55

((hugs)) Please be kind to yourself.

veryobeselady Wed 10-Jun-15 21:50:36

Oh dipsohippo your post was lovely, and you've started me off again. Thank you to all the other PPs too

re: clothes, I'm really short of money this month and I'm scared to wear dresses. I'm 5'5 but have a long body and short legs so dresses don't look right no matter what size I am. My legs are chunky and short, no matter what size I am. I'd love to wear dresses and I envy heavy women who do and wonder how they do it. I always buy 'short' and 'petite' sizes.

As for pampering, I have a haircut actually booked (just a trim though) and I have a fake tan booked simply because I'm going to a wedding at the weekend. DH said to get a tan cos its summer and "that's what ladies do in the summer" lol. His way of trying to cheer me up but I thought I'd try it anyway. But I'm really stressing about the wedding and also about how I will look in front of the tanning lady.

I get an hour for my lunch. I should be having a proper walk but there aren't many good walks near me (very industrial) so its a bit repetitive. I know that sounds like making excuses but I don't mind walking, more so if its scenic or a park.

I can get about 1800 calories a day on nutracheck. I regularly go over by about 500.

I have a fitbit as I hoped it would motivate me to move more. However, it rarely goes above 5000 steps. I will try to walk more, it something I can do, its not too hard, I can make time at lunchtime. Its just lack of motivation really that's stopping me.

Yes I have a microwave at work and a kettle and a fridge. There's a Greggs, Subway, McDonald's, and lots of chip shops near by too. I'm not a big fruit or veg fan.

I have a slow cooker in my cupboard that I've never used. I think I should try it but I don't know how, it didn't come with instructions hence non use. Perhaps this could help with healthier eating too.

I do feel slightly better reading all your posts. thank you so much for listening. I thought i would get a "get your act together" response

darkness Wed 10-Jun-15 22:04:28

Are you hungry all the time, or do you think you are comfort eating..or have lost sight of portion control..
Or even all three of the above plus others?

veryobeselady Wed 10-Jun-15 22:08:12

I wouldn't say I'm hungry all the time, but I think its a mixture of portion control and cravings.

AyMamita Wed 10-Jun-15 22:11:10

Little idea for lunchtime walking motivation: could you listen to music that you like, or get into an audiobook or podcast? that migth make up for the lack of scenery! You need to walk fast enough to feel a bit breathless anyway, so it can't be too "hello trees hello flowers" smile

veryobeselady Wed 10-Jun-15 22:13:14

I could listen to music yes, I do like music, it helps on my bad days.

FluffyPersian Wed 10-Jun-15 22:16:59

No matter what your size, you are a beautiful person and you need to start loving yourself - until you can love yourself, it's probably nigh on impossible to believe your partner loves you (which I'm sure he does more than anything!)

I can totally relate, I literally just checked out what my BMI is and it's 32.8 ... so even higher than yours, but you know what? I'm happy it's that.. as 7 weeks ago, it was over 34, so it's coming down as I'm now starting to healthy eat and not hate myself if I 'fail' and fall off the wagon and eat something 'unhealthy'.

Your Mother should be the one who's ashamed - as if someone's 'soul' is reflected on how big they are.. that's just so sad that you're not getting any support from her.

It's sounds like you're doing so much that it's almost overwhelming - trying to focus on exercise, healthy eating, feeling upset.. like your entire head is full? Why not focus on eating healthy and just that? Maybe watch healthy cookery videos on Youtube and spend more money on healthy food, rather than makeup and see how you feel after a month?

I think the hardest part of any change is the beginning - You don't have a new routine, you don't know if it's going to work and you don't really know how it's going to go - I guess the only thing you do know, is that if you don't change anything, nothing will change?

Not hating yourself isn't an overnight thing, I've been working on it with a counsellor for over 8 months, but I can honestly say, I genuinely have started liking myself recently and I know I'm going to continue to get more healthy and be more happy as I'm making small changes every day smile If you ever want any motivation, you're more than welcome to PM me - I have found writing a healthy eating blog really, really useful as it helps me with my feelings and I don't turn to food when I'm emotional.

AyMamita Wed 10-Jun-15 22:23:20

Good! Upbeat music is good as it is generally more cheerful and helps you keep up the pace. You might want to invest in some comfortable walking trainers to change into for lunchtimes too - Skechers Go Walk are being highly recommended on the other thread! Might also be nice for DH to walk with you in the light summer evenings, esp if he is overweight too. Make it into a date and use the time to talk about your days...

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