Friend wants to bring man she's never met?

(33 Posts)
PlacedInAnAwkwardPosition Mon 11-Mar-13 06:10:53

Please help me compose a reply to my lovely friend because I really just don't know what to say. And I don't want to sound like a complete cow, but...

I'm getting married in a few weeks. My friend has just asked if she can bring a plus one. Okay, but... She hasn't met him yet and may not have met him by the time of the wedding. They recently "met" on online dating and have been emailing loads and she thinks she's fallen for him. He's not in the UK and is looking to see if he can get flights here for the week of the wedding as it is my friend's birthday that week too.

Now, I'm all for a grand love story and I'm happy she's happy, she is a great friend. But I'm just not comfortable with having a random bloke at our wedding. He could be anyone. I've been on enough online dates in my time to know it's 1 in 100 that end up going anywhere! I know this makes me a cow but what can I say? Prepared to be told IABU here too so please give me your worst!

christinarossetti Mon 11-Mar-13 06:24:43

No, it doesn't make you a cow. Someone else's wedding is not an appropriate setting for a first or second date. I can see that it's a bit tricky though if you friend thinks that she has fallen for him.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Mon 11-Mar-13 06:28:08

No, no and no

TheRealFellatio Mon 11-Mar-13 06:30:46

No. Not appropriate at all. My mum wanted to bring a man she'd known for about a week to my wedding, and she sulked when I said no. She snuck off halfway through the reception to bring him 'for a quick drink' without asking me first. Totally inappropriate time and place for us all to meet him for the first time.

She married him after three weeks without telling anyone.

PlacedInAnAwkwardPosition Mon 11-Mar-13 06:32:58

Oh my Fellatio, are they still together?!

That's exactly it, I don't think it's appropriate. How do I say that though, gently?

TheRealFellatio Mon 11-Mar-13 06:37:27

He died, but yet they did stay together until then.

PlacedInAnAwkwardPosition Mon 11-Mar-13 07:02:02

Ah, sorry to hear that. sad

MrsBucketxx Mon 11-Mar-13 07:07:30

playing devils advocate, what's tge worst that could happen at your wedding?

you wont even notice he is there.

if it really bothers you, meet him first when he first gets here

PlacedInAnAwkwardPosition Mon 11-Mar-13 07:17:51

But where does it end? We started off wanting a really small ceremony. Due to various family pressures the list got bigger and bigger and I'm privately quite sad that there'll be quite a few people there who I won't even recognise. "Just one more, just one more" but where does it stop? If every Tom Dick and Harry is invited then it takes what should be a private, special, intimate day and turns it into a circus full of people who mean absolutely nothing to us.

It sounds a bit weird, but if you were okay initially with her bringing a plus one then i don't think you have a right to judge her on who that plus one is.
Are you checking out your other guests plus ones and only allowing them to attend if they meet with your approval?

It wouldn't be my choice to invite a first date to a wedding, but if i'd said to my friend that it was fine for her to bring a plus one i wouldn't then base that on who the plus one she was intending to invite along was.

PlacedInAnAwkwardPosition Mon 11-Mar-13 07:20:14

And I'd hate for my friend to think I'm being unfair to her. But if she'd had just a few dates with us and said she was swept off her feet then ok maybe it could be considered. But she hasn't even met him. She hasn't even met him!!

MrsBucketxx Mon 11-Mar-13 07:20:48

I know how you feel, I ended up cancelling a really big do andgettimg married in scotland with 7 guests and having a reception when we got home.

and there was people I didn't know at the reception. it happens a lot with weddings.

PlacedInAnAwkwardPosition Mon 11-Mar-13 07:21:29

Peppa, she didn't have a plus one in the first place. We were trying to keep the ceremony simple and numbers down.

X-posted with you OP.

It ends where you decide that it ends.
If you don't have room for them or really don't want them there then you say no.
But that's quite a different matter from what you said in your OP. It was the online dating thing which was mentioned, nothing about pressure from people, or how your ideal wedding has changed etc.

PlacedInAnAwkwardPosition Mon 11-Mar-13 07:23:24

MrsBucket I don't blame you. The whole things has caused far too many tears. It's churned up huge amounts of family politics

PlacedInAnAwkwardPosition Mon 11-Mar-13 07:24:20

And actually that's another thing. We are pretty much at max capacity, both venue and budget wise!

Flossbert Mon 11-Mar-13 07:25:24

MrsBucket couldn't the worst that could happen include the guy being an absolutely loon? Unable to hold a drink and starts a fight? Tries cracking on to one of the other guests?

I wouldn't be happy for him to come. With other guests they would know whether their plus ones can behave in a social situation. This guy is not known to anyone.

PlacedInAnAwkwardPosition Mon 11-Mar-13 07:26:20

Well, those things have happened yes, Peppa. But we've dealt with them and we're in the home straights now. The fact is I don't think it's appropriate for someone's first date to be at a wedding. If that makes me a cow then so be it.

I think she was cheeky to ask.
I would just reply saying sorry, you are at maximum numbers so not possible at this stage. If anyone drops out you will let her know. You don't need to elaborate, it could be costs, room capacity etc.
your wedding was in her diary before she 'met' this guy

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Mon 11-Mar-13 07:31:12

The point is, she is not invited 'plus one'. If she were, she chooses her own plus one, but you just say 'sorry, I have no space for a plus one' and do not waver.

YANBU to not want an extra guest, YABU to pass judgment on who her guest would be if she had had a plus one.

HollaAtMeBaby Mon 11-Mar-13 07:50:55

Just say no. She didn't have a plus one invitation so she's on dodgy ground asking to bring one at all, let alone an internet random who neither you NOR SHE has met!!! How much are you spending per guest?

Dear Friend

I'm afraid we are at capacity for the venue now - and in any case, we were actually hoping for a small wedding with only close friends and family. I'm sorry InternetRandom can't come, but hope you'll still be able to, as I've been really looking forward to having you there on the day.

lots of love

PlacedInAnAwkwardPosition

TheChaoGoesMu Mon 11-Mar-13 09:57:36

YANBU to not want an extra guest, YABU to pass judgment on who her guest would be if she had had a plus one.

^ ^ ^ ^
This.

Trills Mon 11-Mar-13 10:01:22

You're not unreasonable at all to only want partners there if you know them.

In all honesty, I"d apologise and say there is no room for another guest.

Is there an evening reception part you can invite him to?

TheRealFellatio Mon 11-Mar-13 11:35:17

It sounds a bit weird, but if you were okay initially with her bringing a plus one then i don't think you have a right to judge her on who that plus one is.

Actually that's a very good point and I think I must rethink my original answer. In my defence I couldn't see further than my mother wanting to bring her new beau who I had never met to my wedding.

I do think it is a very odd first date though and I'm surprised she has chosen it.

PlacedInAnAwkwardPosition Mon 11-Mar-13 13:10:10

Update, I told her that I wasn't quite comfortable with saying yes to someone she hasn't met yet, but if she does meet him before the wedding and decides she would like to see him again/bring him as her date then that'll be fine. She completely understand and said she'd never want to bring someone who she wasn't completely into and hopefully they'll be meeting this weekend. So, I have my fingers crossed, as who doesn't want their friends to meet the man of their dreams? And if she does, then I definitely want to meet him!

Thanks everyone for your views smile

ThingummyBob Mon 11-Mar-13 13:17:53

I think YABVU in not allowing a friend a plus one at your wedding grin

Weddings are miserable events to be at without a date/friend whatever!

YANBU to not want an internet randomer around on your big day.

<<gets off fence and removes splinters from bum>>

GladbagsGold Mon 11-Mar-13 13:21:31

Your friend's response sounds fine to me - I have to say I think every wedding needs a random person at it!

HorribleMother Mon 11-Mar-13 13:41:37

I wouldn't have a problem with it, either. Even if she had been dating the guy for years that doesn't mean OP would know he's not a loon.

Bet someone OP knows well will be the worst trouble-maker on the night.

If the guy is coming that week anyway for her birthday then that will put your friend in a horrible position. She will either have to cancel on you or leave him on his own for the day. Will one more person really make a difference?

Still18atheart Mon 11-Mar-13 13:56:12

YABU unless you didn't state friend + 1 on the invite

I couldn't imagine going to a wedding dateless

You never watched the movie the Wedding Date.

KatAndKit Sun 17-Mar-13 09:41:45

Going to a wedding dateless is not so bad. I met my fiance at a wedding so quite glad i attended it on my own really.
I do get what you mean about not wanting a bunch of people you don't know at your wedding. I have had similar issues with my family and do regret not putting my foot down a little bit.

TheChaoGoesMu Sun 17-Mar-13 22:23:44

Sounds like a great compromise op.

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