Is it ever acceptable to ask for money as wedding gifts?

(104 Posts)
RockinD Fri 11-May-12 18:56:09

DD proposes to do this and has a twee little poem to send out with the invitations to soften the blow.

I am appalled and we have already had one row about it. Her view is that as she and her DF live together they have everything they need and as they want a honeymoon and can't afford it themselves, it's OK to ask their guests to pay for it.

This makes me deeply uncomfortable. Am I just old fashioned?

D

vigglewiggle Fri 11-May-12 18:59:48

I agree with you. If they can't afford the honeymoon, then they need to wait until they can. If people choose to give them money (which lots probably will) then they can put that towards it.

Asking is rude, and those awful poems are beyond tacky.

Disclaimer - I'm fairly old-fashioned too!

It is never acceptable to ask for ANY wedding present.

One puts rsvp on the card, giving a name, address and crucially 'phone number of dm/some one who can be trusted to field calls.

Then people who want to get you what they want to get you will do so (and would have even without a grab wedding list, anyway), while people who actually care what you like/have no idea will call your nominated telephone answerer and ask, like adults.

Then all you have to do is make sure your 'phone answerer is either briefed with a list of nice stuff "(s)he secretly thinks you'd love", or has a convincing tale of how you guys have gathered all the household stuff you'll ever need, but are really scraping to save up for <insert luxury item/experience with big keepsake/memories cachet>. Your guests will then volunteer to contribute. And no one has had to ask for a present like a gauche child.

This is How It Is Done. wink

lisaro Fri 11-May-12 19:19:23

No, you're right, it is very rude and those poems just compound it.

BeeInMyBonnet Fri 11-May-12 19:29:10

Noooo not the twee poem! I'm always tempted to compose one back.

I don't think there's ever a good way to go about this, but outright asking for money - there's just no good way of doing it.

BerryLellow Fri 11-May-12 19:31:51

God no, cringe! Especially with a twee poem.

Definitely better to go with the phone number and if guests ask can be told by a third party what is being saved up for.

I can't stand any sort of gift lists to be honest, I'd be far too embarrassed.

ContinentalKat Fri 11-May-12 19:36:32

I find it perfectly acceptable to add something along the lines of "we have everything we need but if you would like to give us a gift we would be very happy about a contribution towards our honeymoon fund". Rephrase to your liking, but bin the poem!

BerryLellow Fri 11-May-12 19:39:50

Also, I think it's rude to expect Evening guests to contribute.

I had The Poem in an evening invitation, and it irritated me.

Antidote Fri 11-May-12 19:47:18

IMVHO if you are asking for money then it should be either

1. Donations to a specific charity, and a reason why.
2. A 'gift list' of activities for your honeymoon eg spa treatments, balloon rides on safari.

Requests for cold hard cash deserve to be met with coaster sets of pedigree pig breeds (still sniggering at very entitled 'friend' who was given these)

BeeInMyBonnet Fri 11-May-12 20:31:01

Mind you, my own feelings aside, if people do this (and we have an invitaton for next month for a wedding c/w with poem/request for money) I will do as they wish, so I guess it's the result they want. I'm not going to force a toaster on them to make a point grin

PorkyandBess Fri 11-May-12 21:14:11

I think it's very, very vulgar to ask for money.

Sickly little ditties asking for cash are nauseating at best.

Imo, if you live together already, you should not expect people to buy you gifts to set up your home, and asking for money because you have set your up home already is just bad manners.

Co-habiting couples should specify 'no presents', donations to a charity or just graciously accept any gifts or donations that come their way.

ContinentalKat Fri 11-May-12 21:37:28

Reading this and similar threads, I am happy we got married abroad!
We paid for the wedding ourselves and cash gifts ensured we broke even on the cost of the wedding.

My dh never mentioned that asking for money was vulgar, and it seems that our British guests must have been shocked into obedience grin !

Babylon1 Fri 11-May-12 21:47:59

When DH and I got married, we didn't have a wedding list, nor did we ask for a cash alternative, we did however have charity buckets for Marie Curie Cancer care in the marquee and dotted about the reception.

People gave very generously which was fantastic, so imagine our surprise/delight on opening our many cards the following day, we received almost £3000 in monetary gifts, which paid for a wonderful 3 weeks in Dominican Republic all inclusive smile

Ps, we didn't tell our guests there would be charity buckets, but most guests came expecting to buy drinks, even though we had said to bring a bottle. There was s lot of beer etc laid on, so our guests donated their "beer tokens" to Marie curie smile

PorkyandBess Fri 11-May-12 21:50:38

that sounds lovely Babylon1, and very dignified.

Babylon1 Fri 11-May-12 21:50:38

We got given a toaster as a wedding gift grin

It even came complete with crumbs hmm

We still sent a very gracious thank you note, and we don't half laugh about it now smile

Annunziata Fri 11-May-12 21:51:20

Only for charities instead of gifts. Poems exceptionally twee. Sorry!

Babylon1 Fri 11-May-12 21:52:25

Thank you porky, we thought it a nice idea, we'd already lived together for 3+ years and had DD1......

I don't like asking for money, I find it quite rude and embarrassing really but I guess that's my upbringing. smile

ajandjjmum Fri 11-May-12 21:55:29

I don't get this sending out the wedding list or gift request with an invite. It's just rude. You invite people to join you to celebrate your wedding, and then if they wish, they ask you about gifts.

No doubt when the DC are thinking about marriage, my old-fashioned ideas will be thrown out of the window though!

chocoroo Fri 11-May-12 22:00:17

Poems are horrid. I don't object to people asking for money for a honeymoon.

However, I'm in a minority on here in that I think gift lists and the like are perfectly sensible. Who wants to RSVP and then call the Bride's mother to ask her gift suggestions? Utter nonsense.

ajandjjmum Fri 11-May-12 22:06:27

I understand chocoroo that it's much easier to include lists/gift requests with the invitations - I just don't think it's polite.

My age I suspect grin.

my DBro and (future) SIL have decided to do this...it made my teeth itch when i read it...
a cutesy quip-y poem badly disguising the begging money request. i refused to do this even though dh and i were already mortgaged homeowners and had DD

we graciously accepted the regifted 70s punchbowl set and the 2 kettles...we also recieved almost £2000 in cash gifts and vouchers and paid for the honeymoon and new tvsmile

i think that it is so presumtuous and ungrateful to tell people what is acceptable as a wedding present! generally DH and I have little spare cash nowadays and if i was to put cash in an envelope i would feel bad if it were to be £10 or some small value. its too much pressure for us cash-less folk

BigFatHeffalump Fri 11-May-12 22:22:40

I am appalled and we have already had one row about it.

Who died and made you bride? hmm She has enough stress that she doesn't need her mother poking her beak in and if she is going to have a nosy mother at least she will have one less stress of having to field loads of questions from people insisting on giving her a gift (like I did).

And she'll have a lovely holiday at end of it. Her friends won't blink at the request so just leave her to it.

EdithWeston Fri 11-May-12 22:29:26

I am so sorry that you have a DD who thinks a poem will improve things grin. On the other hand, it might be a missive to treasure.

I think soliciting cash always plays badly in UK. But if it really is her choice, it can be softened a bit by not asking directly, and that is most neatly achieved by having bride's parents as official hosts on th invitations, then you field enquiries ('they have already set up home, so they don't need any household things. They are however saving up for XYZ and their honeymoon, so contributions to any of those might be best"). You also need a few actual items they want to recommend to those who you know will be really uneasy about giving cash, or any who clearly don't like the sound of it when it is first mentioned.

TheFallenMadonna Fri 11-May-12 22:30:18

I have no problem with lists or requests for money. But no poem.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 11-May-12 22:31:58

Agree with BFH - she is the bride so you only have an advisory role I'm afraid.

I do hate the money as wedding presents thing though.

Springforward Fri 11-May-12 22:52:01

Urgh to poem. I think asking for vouchers for a particular shop/ thing is ok, but irrationally not cash,, IMHO.

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 12-May-12 06:23:36

Same as Springforward. Never, ever a poem!

EdithWeston Sat 12-May-12 06:24:04

Whether or not it's an "advisory" role depends on what they have arranged so far. If the bride's parents are the formal inviters, then it is rather more than that.

If the bride does not want the parental input, then of course she are free to make all the arrangements without assistance. There isn't enough info in OP to know this is the situation; but if it is, then I agree there is no role for third-party preferences regarding the invitations or their extraneous contents.

I shall go against the grain here - we did ask for money, or more specifically Thomas Cook vouchers - no little ditty or rhyme - just straight up 'x and y have asked tht instead of household items or a gift list people would be so kind to give Thomas cook vouchers'

My DH had been in and out of hospital all year so there was absolutely no way we could have afforded a honeymoon - most people still gave cash - a lot of guests commented that it was much easier than buying from a list!

Does it really matter? I have been to both a list and cash wedding and I enjoyed them both equally - there was no sinister envelope checking on entry and in fact we got a lovely thank you both times and everyone from the cash wedding gt a post card from the honeymoon! didn't even get a brew from the kettle we shelled out for

AThingInYourLife Sat 12-May-12 07:38:55

The rule is simple: it is never acceptable to ask for any kind of gift.

HTH

marshmallowpies Sat 12-May-12 07:43:25

A politely worded request - no poem - and thank you letters written afterwards is the etiquette i'd approve of.

I have no problem with people asking for donations towards a honeymoon if they've put a lot of effort into planning the wedding & making it a lovely day for me, giving them something in return that they will appreciate seems completely fair to me.

AThingInYourLife Sat 12-May-12 07:49:51

There I no way to politely word a rude request.

Awesome explained how this is done by people with manners.

Wedding presents are not an entitlement bestowed in payment for a nice day.

exoticfruits Sat 12-May-12 07:57:00

There is no polite way- it is rude. Twee little poems make it worse. If she is set on it at least say so directly in plain English-don't make people want to pass the sick bucket with twee poems!

I haven't had time to read all the replies, sorry. Just wanted to add, when DH and I married we were also already living together and had pretty much all we needed for the house, except carpets! We did a small wedding list for those that wanted one, but also included vouchers for the supplier we'd chosen for carpets. We did include a note (NOT a poem!) to explain, but I remember Mum and I being so careful with the wording to make sure it didn't sound like a request! smile

mamij Sat 12-May-12 08:55:27

In many cultures it's normal to give cash as a gift as people know the burden of having a wedding, so it's considered polite of the guests to "help" out.

At our wedding, we asked for cash or donation to one of our nominated charities.

Maybe asking for cash is more tolerated by the younger generation who don't need two kettles and four toasters?!

scarlettsmummy2 Sat 12-May-12 09:06:07

No, its so presumptuous and rude. Most people will just give them money anyway if they don't have a wedding list.

RockinD Sat 12-May-12 09:39:40

Ladies, thanks for your varied replies, although I think BFH has been a little harsh.

I understand that I only have an advisory role, but I'm not sure that means I have to keep my trap shut when I am uncomfortable about things and on balance it looks as though most of you are uncomfortable with me.

Thanks

D

BigFatHeffalump Mon 14-May-12 14:14:25

Hurting your daughter's feelings and rowing with her about something (that whether you are comfortable with it or not) as she is planning her wedding is HARSH. Keep that in mind.

Of all the things to be "uncomfortable" with this is pretty much a non issue she isn't hurting anyone. She's simply doing things differently from you.

I was basically told where I could get married- 4 years on it still rankles- don't let this be the thing that your daughter remembers about her wedding.

5babyangels Mon 14-May-12 17:30:27

We recently got married. Dh was all set for making a wedding list but I really just wanted our friends to enjoy the day and it was their presence I wanted. He agreed. I felt quite uncomfortable asking for things in this climate and we have everything we need. However the funny thing was they all felt guilty about not giving anything so we've ended up with a vast array of picture frames! I couldn't personally ask for money. Perhaps there's a subtle way if reminding your dd the real reason she's getting married. It's v hard i know as everyone starts to tell u what to do when you're getting married but if it were my dd I would be totally embarrassed to ask for money. They are her guests and as such should be treated so. It's like asking friends over for dinner and charging admission at the front Door. Would it be possible to say presents not expected but if anyone feels they want to give anything then money towards......would be gratefully received. Tricky though I agree blush

LittlePicnic Mon 14-May-12 17:47:16

I don't have a problem with wedding gift lists. Most of my friends did this and by doing it online, I didn't have the hassle of going to the shop. What I object to however is people giving their bank details with the invite, so you can electronically transfer the money. Somehow that seemed most vulgar of all.

mummybare Mon 14-May-12 19:16:28

I agree with BFH, I'm afraid. It is HER wedding, they are her guests, it is her choice. Personally, when I got married, we said we did not want any presents, but that if people insisted, they could get us vouchers for John Lewis.

I know plenty of people who have asked for cash, vouchers or contributions to the honeymoon and I have never been offended by the request. I always want to get the happy couple a gift and appreciate the direction.

Some friends of ours had a website with a honeymoon 'gift list' with various activities at a range of prices that people could 'buy'. I don't know how it was set up, but it might be something she could look into as an alternative - quite a nice idea...l

CMOTDibbler Mon 14-May-12 19:24:09

To me, the only time it is acceptable is for charity, or for something very specific in the house - I have contributed to a kitchen refurb for instance, and my colleague asked for Wickes vouchers for their loft conversion work.
I don't see why I would pay for something on someones holiday tbh, except maybe in exceptional circs.
I'm going to a wedding soon where the couple have asked for no gifts, but I will make a donation to a charity I know to be close to the brides heart instead

duffybeatmetoit Mon 21-May-12 11:51:27

Awesome makes a good point about having someone you can trust to field queries about gifts. My MIL took it upon herself to instruct guests to give us foreign currency for our honeymoon. We weren't asked about whether that was a good idea. She was well aware that the honeymoon was a guided tour for 4 days.

We received over a hundred wedding cards and didn't open them until our return. Unfortunately the people who had done what she had told them had put the money in with their cards and we only discovered it at that point as we hadn't been briefed to expect it.

Ratbagcatbag Mon 21-May-12 12:01:39

Ok, againts the grain here, but we suggested money as a gift for our wedding.

When we put out invites we included a slip of paper with times, venue addresses etc, taxi companies and hotels and we also included with something along the lines off.

We have decided not to do a wedding list as we have everything we require for our home, what is important to us is our friends and family attending our wedding and sharing our special day with us. If you do wish to give a gift then a contribution towards the honeymoon would be greatfully recieved, but please do not feel obliged to do so!

Some did, some didn't - it made no difference to us, it was what we wanted with special people sharing our day! We did get around £1.5k which we went away with and then bought a big expensive dinner service.

The past three weddings I've been too, two have been cash requests and one a gift lift, either is fine with us.

raspberrytipple Wed 23-May-12 20:51:44

we just asked for money but only in that if people asked we were clear that we didn't want anything but if they did want to give something (which people very much do usually) then something towards the honeymoon activities would make it all the more special. It worked out really well and allowed me to say in the thank you cards the activity it went towards. I really, really don't like the little poem in with cards, they are just crap and just draw attention to the fact that you are begging really. Apart from this forum though I generally don't think people care what they are asked for, they are generally happy if they think they are giving something. Last wedding I went to had a wedding list, I didn't like anything on it so one selection was John Lewis vouchers so I bought some of those instead.

Mutt Wed 23-May-12 20:54:45

Rude and vulgar.

That is all.

Mutt Wed 23-May-12 20:55:40

And for those of you on this thread explaining how very naicely you asked for money...

Rude and vulgar.

I would far rather give the couple something they really want/need and not have the faff of having to find out what that is - so a gift list or a mention of a honeymoon fund is fine by me.

But please, no cheesy poem!!

raspberrytipple Wed 23-May-12 21:12:54

haha, im glad I didn't invite anyone like you to my wedding Mutt, you'd have been most unwelcome smile

googlenut Wed 23-May-12 21:38:08

Only couple I know who did this (including the tacky poem) were separated 18 months later. Just saying.

Ratbagcatbag Thu 24-May-12 17:08:10

I don't like the tacky poems either though to be fair! Some of our friends bought us wine etc, we had no issue with either, and I don't find it rude and vulgar when others ask for money, I get them what they want, sorted!

givemeaclue Thu 07-Jun-12 16:13:15

oooo please tell us the tacky poem!

Kt1991 Sun 17-Jun-12 21:16:15

I think its acceptable to ask for vouchers/money for a wedding, we are in the 21st century now, and I know quite a few people who have asked for money and added the poems to go in the invites explaining.You can get some really good poems too that I have come across, and explain the situation perfectly without sounding rude. When I eventually get married I will do the same, because we live together and have everything we need so why have our guests wasting money on a gift that won't get put to use (if the choose to buy something), when they can put money towards a honeymoon, and see the bride and groom have a good time?

DonkeyTeapot Mon 18-Jun-12 09:40:22

DP's sister got married recently, it was a second marriage for both of them, and they did ask for cash towards their honeymoon. They didn't send a pukesome poem though - in fact I don't think we even got a written invite! It was fairly informal.

I didn't think it was rude or grabby, they both have kids from previous marriages and they both really deserved a lovely holiday, having not had the money for any kind of holiday for some years.

That said, the idea of a wedding list makes me a bit uncomfortable, and I don't plan to have one.

GirlWithALlamaTattoo Fri 22-Jun-12 09:55:24

Those of you who object to wedding lists, do you object to giving wedding presents, assuming that you can afford to?

If not, what, precisely, is the problem with being guided towards something that will be used and appreciated, rather than taken to the nearest charity shop before the ink is dry on the thank you letter?

Money's a tricky one. I wouldn't mind being asked, but I suspect it's a generational issue.

DonkeyTeapot Fri 22-Jun-12 23:22:03

On the one hand, if someone else is getting married, I like to be given some kind of clue what would make a good gift for the couple. I want to give a gift and I want it to be something they need / want / like / will use, and I'd be sad if I later found out that the teapot I bought them was one of seven they had received. Then I'd probably think a wedding list was a good idea.

On the other hand, at my wedding I would feel uncomfortable assuming that people will be buying presents and telling them what we'd like as gifts. Seems a bit wrong to me, like telling someone what you'd like for Christmas.

MittzbethSalander Fri 22-Jun-12 23:33:02

I am weirdly on the receiving end of such a poem, requesting Vouchers or a cheque.

I am not sure how I feel, but have no idea how much to give.
A gift is 'valueless' in a way but is £10, 20 the norm?

Showmethemhappyfeet Sat 23-Jun-12 14:52:37

I cant believe the amount of people who would have a massive problem with this. 3 weddings i have been invited to this year, all have asked for cash, 2 with poems, 1 without. 2 last year asked for holiday vouchers.
You don't HAVE to give it. I would find it very hard work to make a gift list tbh. Not only because i don't really need anything DP and i have lived together for 5 years, but what type of price range would you have on there?
Cash/vouchers means people can give nothing, or from £5-£50 depending on what they would usually spend.
I haven't ever had an issue with it, id rather that than them end up with 50 photo frames they are never going to use (and that wouldn't match!)
Maybe it is a generation thing i don't know, all the couples mentioned above have been mid 20s to early 30s...

LurkingAndLearningForNow Sat 23-Jun-12 15:00:02

Ugh, asking for money is just such disgusting behaviour. A gift is a gift is a gift and you should be grateful you got one.

Particularly irks me when people specifically state 'this money is for our holiday, you know we can't afford one..' It just adds extra pressure to give more.

ANTagony Sat 23-Jun-12 15:05:33

We said gifts weren't necessary we wanted people's company however if people did want to bring something a cutting from their garden to start of ours would be gratefully received. It was a genuine please don't feel the need to bring anything as a fairly low key wedding. We got loads of cash and garden centre tokens!

Mama1980 Sat 23-Jun-12 15:06:18

Oh yuck I went to a relatives wedding with a twee poem in the card asking for cash-found it horrible and IMO rude. Gifts are gifts and If you are lucky enough to receive one you should appreciate it and be grateful, not ask for what you want. Nearly everyone at the wedding incidentally felt the same way so I would discourage her strongly.

wimblehorse Mon 09-Jul-12 20:45:35

Jeez, I can't think of anything worse as a guest, than having to call the bride's mother or aunty Mabel to be permitted details of the gift list/voucher/cash preference. As well as rsvp-ing.
Outdated, twee and unneccessary performance.
Include the details in the bumph about accommodation and directions. No poem. No problem asking for cash if that's what you want- soooo much easier for guests apart from outdated judgey idiots

LurkingAndLearningForNow Tue 10-Jul-12 04:15:14

Hardly an idiot for having my own opinion.

Hardly outdated as I'm not twenty yet.

Judgey? You betcha.

Adversecamber Tue 10-Jul-12 05:10:14

Have been asked for money, gifts and also asked not to bring a gift.

The only time someone hacked me off was when they put in a twee poem, I could also say some mean things about her wedding but I will resist.

Adversecamber Tue 10-Jul-12 05:22:59

MittzbethSalander

That is the problem with money and to an extent a gift list, the recipient knows then how much cash or cash worth you have given.For some people who are hard up it is a real burden to be asked for cash, and will give them real angst.

The woman thats evening do I went to and wrote the twee poem I gave 20 quid.

I have been to and am attending 4 over the last two years, so far a nephew got 100 quid, a student of mine got a bottle of wine and some jams and chutneys from the county I grew up in. They had not asked for gifts at all and were overseas students so liked the gesture. The next is the other nephew so will have to be another 100 and I am a bridesmaid next year so don't have a clue what is an acceptable gift.

These days I will only attend relatives and close friends weddings

BrevilleTron Wed 01-Aug-12 14:09:09

DH2b and I are getting married in 10 days (eek) and we haven't done a wedding list (hate them) we put that presence is appreciated but presents aren't required. If anybody WANTS to give us anything we have politely requested Argos vouchers. But the emphasis is on 'come and enjoy the day with us'
We are not expecting anything.

MagicDougal Wed 01-Aug-12 15:27:45

I don't think anything should be couched in terms that suggests they expect a gift and definitely no poems! I think what Ratbag did as perfectly reasonable.

When my boss got married she said there was no need for gifts but if anyone wanted to they could contribute to their honeymoon and set up an account at Trailfinders.

The thing is if you don't say anything at all you end up with a load of stuff you don't need or want which is just wasteful and pointless (and probably leads to another thread along the lines of 'AIBU to ebay my wedding gifts?' which will result in a resounding YABU so they just clutter up your garage and loft for evermore!!)

LCarbury Wed 01-Aug-12 15:28:59

I don't mind if people are skint and ask for money, and I don't mind if people ask for honeymoon vouchers. I am not keen on twee poems though.

BellaOfTheBalls Wed 01-Aug-12 15:34:42

It is more the done thing although every time I get one of the twee poems it makes me want to put pins in my eyes. In every case I have bought a gift, vouchers or currency for wherever they are going on honeymoon in the card.

NatashaBee Wed 01-Aug-12 16:05:45

I really, really, really hate poems. I don't mind being asked for cash as long as it's for something specific - at the end of the day, i just want to give people what they want. Although I prefer to buy presents, because I shop very carefully/use coupons and can get a gift that looks more expensive than it is, if you see what I mean.

clam Wed 01-Aug-12 16:26:51

No, no, NO!! And definitely no poems. Particularly if they have a cringingly awful play on the words presence/presents.

BrevilleTron Thu 02-Aug-12 15:07:40

Clam mine wasn't a poem it was a simple sentence. Plus as DH2b are pedants and well up on our English it's a bit of a giggle at us as we are forever pointing out mistakes, correcting road signs etc.
Pedestrain precinct anyone?

BrevilleTron Thu 02-Aug-12 15:08:08

Fail DH2b and I

stargirl1701 Thu 02-Aug-12 15:11:22

I am always pleased with a wedding gift list - so much easier for both guests and couple.

I don't like requests for money.

tb Sun 05-Aug-12 17:32:13

Think it's ok if the family is Greek, otherwise, no.

expatinscotland Sun 05-Aug-12 17:44:28

NO. And cultures where this is the norm, people know that, there's no need for twee poems.

If they want a honeymoon, have a smaller wedding or charge admission.

JennerOSity Sun 05-Aug-12 17:44:58

OK a gift is a gift and any bride would indeed be grateful for whatever something someone chose to give. But if you literally have all the material goods you need, you are doing your caring friends and relatives a favour by letting them know that towels/crockery etc etc etc would be a bit of a waste.

You are acknowledging that people want to give a gift while helping them choose something which will actually make a difference rather than throw money away. Not a lot different to a gift list at a department store then really is it!

Most of the poems, requests that gifts take the form of money say something along the lines of, we don't expect a gift, but if you want to give one we suggest this is what would make the most difference to us as a couple starting out on married life.

Often with an alternative small gift list for those who don't like giving cash.

I really don't see what is wrong in that. confused

the tradition of household items etc as gifts stems from times when a couple married very young and moved into their first home on their wedding night. This rarely applies today, so a new culture of giving for the new norm of becoming a married couple makes perfect sense. Only a luddite would fail to se this IMO.

Surely the point of a gift is to impart well wishes and bestow a boon on the couple. It is not vulgar for this to be cash. It is odd to insist a gift must be tangible in order for it to be acceptable. Those gifts cost money, but will benefit the couple less than the money would.

Someone said vouchers for particular thing would be better. Money is the best voucher in the world. Some strange and arbitrary lines are being drawn, based on out-dated cultural norms.

The bride is being pragmatic and helpful to her guests.

itsallinmyhead Sun 02-Dec-12 06:44:42

Rude, vulgar, just not done dahling. Whatever people feel about it, it's what's being done.

I'm not married, not planning on doing so, however many friends are and my sister was married yesterday.

My feeling is that I'd rather include cash in a card, if that's the request/ preference than to spend my hard earned on something that isn't required/ wanted/ enjoyed.

None of this means I'm ill mannered or associate with ill mannered husbands & wives to be.

Esker Sun 02-Dec-12 19:11:20

Sorry haven't read through whole thread so dont know if this approach has been mentioned yet but I'm having an Indian wedding as my partners family are Indian, and on our invitations we had to have the phrase (understood apparently by thise in Indian community but rather cryptic to others) 'No boxed gifts.' this apparently means that gifts should be of the cash variety... bit embarrassing but out of my hands so just dealing with it grin

Scheherezade Sun 02-Dec-12 20:32:29

I agree that its fine. I'd hate to go to a friends wedding with a toaster/gravy boat, only to find they already had two, and now have A further twenty to give away.

I'd rather my gift as useful and appreciated. We went to a friends wedding who asked for money as they already owned their own house. They sent a lovely thank you with pictures of the honeymoon.

sashh Wed 05-Dec-12 08:06:25

I think it depends on the situation. If you go to an Indian wedding the invitation often says "no gifts", which is shorthand for "we would rather have the money".

Poems = puke

I've given money a couple of times, one was an indian wedding - you wave the money over the couple's head and have a photo taken.

Another friend was skint - she had the reception in her own home and her wedding ring is silver. Argos sells wedding rings for about £20 but they didn't have that spare.

They asked for money to buy a bed as they didn't have one.

That was fine, no problem.

I think the honeymoon thing is a bit, well, naff. They always seem to be for far flung places (Babylon I don't mean you here, you didn't ask) and never a week in Cornwall or a weekend in Paris.

BadIdeaBear Sun 06-Jan-13 23:29:13

I don't see it as rude or vulgar - I think traditions may be changing. I hesitate to say that that's generational. As has clearly been demonstrated here, that's not the case, but there seem to many groups of friends and family who prefer the more pragmatic 'seriously we've got all the toasters/ coasters/ linen we need' and I think as long as it's phrased in a way that makes it clear there's no expectation (as per poster ContinentalKat on page 1 of this thread) and as long as it contains no hideous poem, I can't see that it's anything less than useful for guests. It has never offended me, anyway.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Tue 22-Jan-13 10:19:36

"Someone said vouchers for particular thing would be better. Money is the best voucher in the world. Some strange and arbitrary lines are being drawn, based on out-dated cultural norms."

Couldn't agree more.

Ninetyninepercent Tue 22-Jan-13 10:32:53

I have absolutely no problem with buying a gift from a requested list, giving cash for a holiday fund or whatever. Invites usually mention that it is just your presence that they would like but if you were thinking if a gift here are some suggestions.... I find that helpful rather than rude. I would be getting a gift anyway I would much prefer it was something they actually wanted - toaster or £ to spend on their honeymoon. Not too keen on twee poem but its her wedding and her friends and family - if people are going to take offence then pfft to them.

A friend did this for honeymoon and costed it up - you could buy them a cocktail on the beach, trip to volcano, dinner at xx, or just vouchers towards flights etc... I thought it was a lovely idea.

EuphemiaLennox Tue 22-Jan-13 10:44:57

When people ask for money I always feel they as saying ' we want/expect a present but don't want to be saddled with the shite you might choose. We don't want your kind thoughts or time in crossing something we just want the stuff we want, so just give us the money.'

Rude.

To give money is the choice of the gift giver who may chose to do so, becaus they don't know what to get or because they know your house is kitted out. That is then them being thoughtful with their choice of money as a gift.

You can't ask for it though. Well you can but many will think you rude. Some people like to choose something individual and want the choice to do so, or to ask for guidance, to give money should be up to them.

We had a gift list for our wedding; only for those who specifically asked about one wanting guidance. About half the guests did, half just chose something. No one gave money.

We got a lot of 'things not quite to our tastes' but didn't matter, we were overwhelmed with people's kindness.

We have a wedding website! Our guests can look up all the details, timings, maps etc for the wedding day and give us a few quid towards our honeymoon if they would like to. I'm sure that's considered by many to be the height of poor taste but I think it makes things easy for our guests.

noviceoftheday Tue 22-Jan-13 10:51:45

No, I think it's vulgar. Having said that, we had a John Lewis gift list because it was just easier to do so with 150 guests. Lots of people were exceptionally generous and a small handful came empty handed. Everyone got thanked either way for their presence and/or their presents. I just wouldn't dream of having the brass to ask for cash though!

EuphemiaLennox Tue 22-Jan-13 10:53:03

Oh I went to a wedding she we were asked to buy them honeymoon 'experiences' which they then posted pics of on FB so you could see them enjoying what you'd bought.

I thought it was utterly cringeworthy.

They'd already booked the v expensive safari, so don't pretend it's only going to happened, or you won't get that massage or bottle of wine, unless we cough up to expand your bank balance.

If a couple really can't afford a honeymoon, they either shouldn't have one, or a very close relative may give money specifically for this, but to ask all your guests to chip in for your hols is just a ridiculous state to have reached.

Or to reimburse you for the money you've already spent, or are going to spend anyway, is even worse.

EuphemiaLennox Tue 22-Jan-13 10:56:13

Also, alla this 'only give us money if you'd like to we just want you there' is crap too.

We all know they'll all feel obliged to give something, and will usually go only with your 'suggestion' even if they think it's v poor taste. It's not really much of a choice.

If you really only want them to come, just invite them. Don't mention a gift unless they ask.

spanky2 Tue 22-Jan-13 11:10:36

My cousin asked for money for a honeymoon and her dh went to Ibiza and she went to Canada ! We were expecting them to go together ! But whatever floats your boat . I was happy to give them the money .

HappyGoLuckyGirl Tue 22-Jan-13 11:23:16

My cousin got married just over a year ago and we got invited she had included a little poem too. It basically said that they didn't expect any gifts and weren't registered anywhere but if we really wanted to give them something for their wedding then money would be best, to add to their honeymoon fund (spa days, trips out, etc). I didn't take offence or think it was rude in the slightest.

Imagine getting loads of gifts you didn't need or have the room for. Or imagine a member of your family getting married and wanting to get them a gift only to be told under no cirumstances were you allowed to get them anything as they didn't want or need gifts. Some people might take offence at that?

I personally don't think there's anything wrong with doing this if it is done in a polite way and not 'asking' for money.

spanky2 Tue 22-Jan-13 11:23:34

We liked the poem . My Dad even wrote a poem as a reply.

sabbby82 Tue 22-Jan-13 11:37:54

It's quite normal these days and I don't see what the issue is?

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Tue 22-Jan-13 12:13:04

I do agree that asking for anything is slightly presumptuous, but money being worse than a gift list/a gift list being better than vouchers etc. is ridiculous.

harryhausen Tue 22-Jan-13 12:28:02

It always amazes me when young people who have lived together for a bit say they 'have everything they need'.

I've been married for 10 years and co-ha biting for 4 years and my DH and I STILL don't have everything we need! We could do with a really lovely, good quality set of towels for instance....just something we've never 'treated' ourselves to. We've also just have to buy a new dinner set, cutlery etc.

I don't like giving money as a gift but I have done it. I felt embarrassed putting a relatively 'measly' £40 in an envelope and I didn't get a thankyou for it.

So, I don't like it. I think it's a shame there won't be any 'objects' to look back on as a marriage gift - but I will do it reluctantly if asked.

harryhausen Tue 22-Jan-13 15:50:24

I just wanted to add that for my cousins wedding (we're not that close) we weren't only asked for money outright, but we were asked to send it by a given date so the happy couple could book their honeymoon beforehand. Depending on how much money they got.

Now that really is vulgar IMO.

poozlepants Tue 22-Jan-13 16:06:42

Someone I know sent their bank details with the wedding invitation. Didn't bother cashing cheques older people had sent her for months and got pissed off when they chased it up in case she hadn't received them.
She and her dh think they are classy.

I don't see why asking for cash is worse than having a gift list. I went to a wedding with a gift list, it was incredibly unpersonal, you picked what you wanted off the long long list on the John Lewis website and paid for it and the couple got an email saying you'd bought it, then it got delivered straight to them after the wedding. I didn't even get to see it or wrap it up and give it to them. I actually think a polite note saying that cash is preferred is nicer.

expatinscotland Fri 08-Feb-13 15:23:54

NO.

If you have everything you need you do not need gifts and certainly not begging people to pay for your honeymoon.

expatinscotland Fri 08-Feb-13 15:34:00

'We have a wedding website! Our guests can look up all the details, timings, maps etc for the wedding day and give us a few quid towards our honeymoon if they would like to. I'm sure that's considered by many to be the height of poor taste but I think it makes things easy for our guests.'

Yes, the ol' 'We're doing you a favour by making it easier for you to line our pockets! Aren't we fab?'

expatinscotland Fri 08-Feb-13 15:37:23

Hopefully the next trend will be to take the gloves off and just be honest: charge admission to your wedding and be done with it.

You're a barrel of laughs aren't you? Whenever I've gone to a wedding I've always wanted to give a gift. If people don't want to that's fine, we just want everyone to come along and have a good time. I'd feel like a cunt turning up to any kind of party empty handed and I don't see a wedding as any different.

expatinscotland Fri 08-Feb-13 17:18:00

I've never turned up for a wedding empty-handed, but being told what to give as a gift is rude, crass, grabby and, well, like school in the Summertime: no class.

garageflower Fri 01-Mar-13 23:25:19

I don't get why it's rude? It smacks of common sense and i have never been offended by this.

Surely it's ok to be open with the people you care about?

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