Wedding disappointment - how to fix it?

[YoungGirlGrowingOld]

Looking for advice and more than happy to be told I sound like a spoiled brat. (Well maybe "happy" is not the right word....!)

DP and I got married 2 months ago. We had a short engagement, and a tiny wedding, partly because his mother is very seriously ill. I also work abroad so it was difficult to plan remotely. I basically came home to the UK for a few days and booked the venue, photographer, hairdresser, florist etc based on online research. Extensive research (!), but obviously without the benefit of time to meet people and inspect things etc. I got a dress made at a local dressmaker who came well-recommended and was not cheap, using fabric which I chose and had imported. I was hoping that my mother would help, but she was not interested at all - however at this point I was congratulating myself nor being non-Bridezilla and chilled. :-)

DP and I had a last-minute wobble after I found some messages between him and his ex-gf which were a couple of years old, but were sent during my relationship with DP. Their content was sexual and inappropriate, and on top of all the wedding stress it knocked me for six because I never, ever thought he would cheat. It also opened up a few old wounds because I had repeatedly asked him to stop communicating with her, because of various duplicitous things she had done. After finding the messages I (stupidly) contacted her and asked her to stay away from DP, and she responded with vicious personal abuse. I spent most of the days leading up to the wedding either in tears or trying to finish an urgent work project for clients who really didn't give a toss that I was getting married. (The photographer - more on him later - has managed to take about 10 photos of me on my blackberry on the wedding day, but none of me with the guests...)

Anyway, on the wedding day the weather was great, the venue was beautiful and the hairdresser and florist also did a great job. However, my dress was awful. It sounds ridiculous but I had been so upset and then so busy that i hadn't even tried everything on together and it just looked crap and I forgot my earrings. The photographer was pretty disastrous as well. Obviously all the ones with me and my dress were shocking but he did not even manage to photograph all of the guests. I look stressed, I'll and I have swollen eyes. My dress is too long and the neckline flops open.

My mother insisted on buying the hideously overpriced album, which made it difficult for me to complain. Part of me suspects she did this to spite me because even my close friends admit the photographs are bloody terrible! I honestly want to cry every time I see them.

I am not sure whether the tears are really about the day or the last minute wobble. I am committed to the marriage and we are TTC. However, I am seriously thinking about organising another ceremony just to help expunge some of the terrible memories and so that we have some photographs to show to our kids (hopefully) which show us looking relaxed and happy (and in my case, not looking as though I fell backwards through a jumble sale!)

Is this insane? Has anyone ever done it? Has anyone else just felt gutted over how their wedding "went"? I honestly am not usually vain or needy but I feel so disappointed.

Sorry it's long and well done if you got this far!

[Heels99]

I wouldn't organise another ceremony, you are already married! Could you have a church blessing though or just a photo shoot with you both in your wedding gear.

Is the bigger issue here your husbands relationship with his ex or are you confident that all comms were two years old and that there has been nothing since?

[Only1scoop]

I personally wouldn't have married him after that....

And certainly not for a second time.

If you were happily in your honeymoon period you would laugh the dress off and be happy.

[Heels99]

But op did say the messages were two years old.

[YoungGirlGrowingOld]

Heels - I know, it's a good point! I was thinking maybe a blessing but we are different religions so I am not sure how easy that would be.

I am confident that nothing untowards has happened since then, it's more that I am struggling to deal with the private things he told her (and asked her).

Only1scoop - yes, calling it off was on the cards, but I decided that I wanted to be married to him. I think you are right that we should be laughing it off, but I just feel like a failure.

I will never laugh at a bridezilla again - they are just trying to avoid having to look at photographs in which they look utterly shite!

[Heels99]

I think you have had a tough time, you were upset with your dp before the wedding and nearly called it off, his mother is ill, you were organising a wedding from abroad. As a result you didn't like your dress, the photographer was shit and of course that will affect how you feel about the wedding.

What I would do:
Remember the marriage is more important than the wedding, that is only one day out of your whole lives together.

Have a photoshoot together, choose a very good photographer, see some of their work, get recommendations. Do a nice outdoors shoot not a horrible venture studios type thing. Wear what you feel great in, get your hair done etc. send everyone one of the pics for Xmas. Frame yours and put in pride of place instead of wedding pic.

Don't try to recreate the wedding if blessing won't work then forget about another ceremony.

[Kitty2011]

I agree about just having a photoshoot - you could hire a posh dress (maybe you can even hire a wedding dress?). When I lived in Asia, lots of couples had their wedding photos taken a couple of months before the actual day so they could be sure they definitely had beautiful photos with the right backdrop, perfect hair, make-up etc. I thought it was weird at the time but now I wonder if it wasn't actually quite sensible!
It won't get rid of the painful memories of what went wrong on the day but at least you'll have a beautiful photo of yourselves to look back on in years to come and you might even be able to laugh about it all by then.

[YoungGirlGrowingOld]

Thank you for your replies

I do quite like the idea of a photo shoot in a posh dress and suit. I probably would have laughed at the idea before I stuffed up my own wedding, but even if it just makes me feel 10% better then I think it's worth it, and bugger what people think.

Kitty now that you have said that, one of the girls at work who is from the Philippines had her photos done in advance in a different dress. They were brilliant (and in all kinds of crazy locations!) so maybe we could have some fun with it too...

I am having the offending dress turned into a Christening gown so at least something positive will hopefully come of it!

[HRMumness]

A wedding does not make a marriage, after almost 4 years of marriage, almost 2 DC (Am due today with DD2) I look back at our wedding day and think why did we ever spend so much money and time on it! Would have gone for simpler/cheaper/smaller. We had a wedding in Australia as our family is there, then a blessing here, so wasn't a simple affair. I wasn't entirely pleased but we have enough photos I'm happy with and that's the main thing looking back. The expensive album is tucked away out of 2yo DD1s tiny grubby hands and never gets looked at.

Sorry the day didn't go to plan but I agree with others about hiring a different photographer and getting some wedding finery on to get some lovely pics, then go out for a lovely expensive meal together. I wouldn't even bother with a blessing, it's just more hassle. Make the day about you two. However, I would try and make sure you have resolved / moved past the issue with the ex GF first.

[Only1scoop]

I know the messages were 2 years old but he'd kept them Op ended up with ex being abusive....awful just before your wedding.

For what it's worth Op you sound like you worked your blinking socks off organising it all....and you don't sound like a B Zilla at all....however don't 'stage' another....have a lovely relaxing weekend together....buy a huge wedding cake and scoff the lot

[Adarajames]

We had a formal family photo shoot little while ago as my Mum had always wanted some good pictures of all of us. I generally hate my photo bring taken and photos of me, but it was great fun and I actually like some posed photos of myself for the first time ever. So I can highly reccomend going and having some good photos done, check first what the photo prices will be, some of them only include one small print, anything else is really expensive and can't have a digital copy. Otherwise do it, then have celebratory meal for you both, or even include family members in it if you'd like, and hire your dream dress for it and make some good happy memories x