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family nighmares - anyone else having these?

3 replies

freebird30 · 22/08/2014 23:26

Help me please, I am in such a pickle I don't even know where to begin.

Me and my Nan have fallen out big time. My Nan is like my mum we have always been close but over the last few weeks tensions have been running high. My partner and I are engaged and planning our wedding for next August. Originally we had thought to get married in a pretty little church which is a C of E however upon some discussion my partner who is Roman Catholic (although not practicing) said that actually he wouldn't feel comfortable marrying in a C of E Church (he has this whole thing in his head about C of E only being created so that Henry 8th could get divorced). I'm not Christened and am new to religion as I grew up with atheist parents, it was only after having my daughter last year and getting an urge that I had to get her christened (which was done in the RC Church) that I started to have a different outlook on religion. Anyway as I am new I don't feel I really belong to any particular religion therefore I'm not precious about which Church I marry in, as long as it is in a Church, under the eyes of God, in front of my family and friends where my partner and I declare our love and future together.

So after making the decision to marry in the RC Church I told my Nan (who feels quite strongly about her religion C of E although she doesn't go to Church) and she made it very clear how displeased she was about the decision, she became very abrupt and said "well its not what I would have chosen for you but its your wedding your life you have to live with it...." and every time I spoke to her since things have got worse and worse. Now considering she is like my mum I wanted to go dress shopping and do all the fun planning stuff, on the day have her close by to keep me calm and get ready, she turned to me and said "well I'll just rock up on the day, with the rest of them, it sounds like its all sorted now anyway" - I am quite a sensitive soul but this really hurt as I feel like she has completely pushed me away because of the Religious aspect. But then I hear from a source that she feels totally eliminated from the wedding plans?? she seems to think that I have planned the whole day already (bearing in mind it is still a year away!) and that I've booked everything behind her back with get this....my mother in law!!! Don't get me wrong I am very lucky in that I do have a lovely mother in law and we get on well but I never ever highlight that fact to my Nan as I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings or give her the chance to say "oh you are all his family" (my family are a bit like that - it's such hard work trying to keep people happy) but also I just can't understand how my Nan thinks I would leave her out of something this huge, I even sat down with her and went through my basic ideas and talked about what WE would need to do soon, but regardless of what I have said she doesn't believe me, she accused me of ignoring her at my partners bday meal, which I didn't as I sat and spoke to her a number of times whilst mingling. We have ended up having a huge argument as I got so frustrated at being accused of things I haven't done, it's just all in her head. I feel totally bewildered and confused at a time where I should be excited!!!! I went dress shopping for the first time the other day but it didn't feel the same with her not with me!! Other things have built on top of this too but I know this was the starting point. My partners mum offered to pay some money towards my dress when I buy it (as she knows my mum probably wouldn't be able to do it) but my Nan didn't like that either not that she had said it was something she wanted to do for me. She had said "you know I can't put money towards the wedding I would rather help you in other ways" and that's fine I would never expect money from anyone but surely I should be over the moon to anyone who wants to be so kind and help in any way??

I'm really sorry for blabbing on but I have so much whizzing around in my head and I feel so stressed out now as I hate fallouts, its really taking the shine of what is meant to be our special day.

Is anyone else experiencing any family issues or can you offer any advice so I don't feel so alone :(

My partner is so cross and says I should wash my hands with the lot of my family as they always seem to want to ruin any happy occasion I have....its not that easy though is it :(

Really sorry for the long post!!

OP posts:
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Youarejustwordsonascreenpeople · 23/08/2014 07:16

I know this is a wedding problem but I really think you might be better off posting this in Reletionships. I think you will get some more replies there.

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thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts · 23/08/2014 08:05

It always surprises me how attached people are to the local church when they don't actually go. At my last church we had the idea that me might replace the pews with chairs and the complaints that we got from those that never darkened our door were phenomenal. From our point of view it is all about fear of change and that might be what it is with your grandma. The wedding marks a change in her relationship with you which she can ignore before the day with the frock and the church and the bridesmaids and husband. So as the last poster said, relationships...

Or maybe your grandma is stuck in her religious intolerance and needs to get her hands dirty with some volunteering for the homeless, hungry, sick, in prison etc just as Jesus commanded where she will find plenty of RC, C of E, Non Conformist and non religious people to challenge her mindset.

Oh and congratulations on the wedding!

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kaykayblue · 02/09/2014 15:25

Have you looked into the RC church ceremonies? (Disclaimer: I'm a non denominational christian)

They are very different to C of E ceremonies. I went to my first Catholic marriage a few years ago and didn't understand what the fuck was going on half the time. It seems much less....relaxed and modern than the C of E weddings. But that's just my opinion.

Obviously you should do whatever you want, but I think your partner is being pretty hypocritical as well. You say he isn't a practising Catholic, but feels uncomfortable about how the C of E church was set up. Really? I mean....really? No religion is perfect, and with all the very very huge and serious scandals that the Catholic church has been in (for centuries, not even recently), I find it a little mind blowing that someone could say something so hypocritical.

If neither of you are practising within your denominations, could you compromise and get married in a church which is neither one nor the other? United Reformed or Methodist or something?

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