Disagreement about our wedding

[pinkroses5]

Hello mumsnetters, I'm new to this and looking for some advice. DP and I are engaged and expecting a baby later this year. We decided to postpone wedding until next year as I've been feeling ropey with this pregnancy. Anyway, lately we have been having some disagreement over who should pay for the wedding - DP thinks my dad should as it's tradition and his family paid for his sister's wedding.

A bit of background: my dad has done ok for himself and paid for a huge chunk of my first property for me 7 years ago, which was a huge amount, to help me on the property ladder. My dad doesn't believe in extravagent weddings and doesn't want to give us say 5-10k for one day. I actually agree with him but DP thinks it's my dad's 'duty' to pay. We are both in our 30s and have had good careers, have a lovely house and a very small mortgage (partly thanks to my dad!) so I think it's out of order to ask, or expect, my dad to cough up anything.

Personally I would be happy with a church wedding and church hall / pub reception, costing 2k, but I think DP feels a bit of pressure to have the wedding his friends had in their 20s.

Would be interested to hear your views.

Thanks xx

[Sparklysilversequins]

I agree with you. Your DP is being ridiculous and grabby. If he wants that kind of wedding he can pay for it himself.

[flowery]

a) you should pay for your own wedding
b) if his family paid for his sisters wedding have they not made the equivalent offer for his? Seems most unfair if they haven't.

[adventuress]

I would put your foot down now. They are your parents, not his. If you don't want to ask them the conversation is closed.

what other 'traditions' is he going to expect to observe?

[Sparklysilversequins]

I would repost this if I were you. You won't get many responses on this board as it's such a niche board. Perhaps in "chat" or dare I say it "AIBU?"

[Sparklysilversequins]

Oh maybe not then

[SqutterNutBaush]

I think its the couples responsibility personally.

Set a budget you can afford any other contributions are a bonus not a given abs certainly no ones duty.

[adventuress]

Yes, let AIBU at him, it's lunchtime they'll be hungry

[Sparklysilversequins]

[givemeaclue]

Pay for it yourselves, if your dad wants to make a contribution then great but it should not be expected. It was tradition, when brides stayed home till they got married, you already have kid and a house!

[sleeplessbunny]

Seems like a pretty archaic attitude from your DP. Yes it's nice if parents offer contribute but it shouldn't be something to expect. I would be pretty angry at him tbh. And if he's the one who wants a fancy wedding, surely he should be finding the funding for it himself?

[enriquetheringbearinglizard]

Pinkroses
My personal opinion. If your DP wanted to stick to tradition you wouldn't
a) have your own home
b) be cohabiting
c) be having a child before marriage

We have grown daughters who we've helped get their own homes, both now have partners living with them and their weddings will be down to them I'm afraid.

You can't cite tradition to cut one way only and it's unrealistic to use friends' weddings from years ago as any kind of benchmark when your circumstances are entirely different.
By all means have the big party, but I don't see why your family should stump up for it, particularly when your father's been such a massive financial help in your adult life already.

By the way, that's not meant to be judgmental or unpleasant, I'm just telling you my own thoughts. My children understand and also agree.

[Lorelei353]

It's no one's 'duty' to pay for a wedding except the bride and groom. If either set of parents offer to help, and you're happy to accept, then that's very generous of them but it's absolutely not a duty.

I'd find out what other outdated traditions he thinks you should adhere to!

[StrawberryCheese]

You and your DP should pay for the wedding. Having an offer of money to help with the wedding from either side of the family is fine but you as a couple should pay for the majority because it's you that has decided to get married.

[Nocomet]

seems very odd to have a man who cares more about a grand wedding than the woman he's marrying.

I wouldn't want a husband who was more worried about showing off to his sister and friends than getting you to annoy your parents.

If his familly like huge weddings, he/they should pay.

Even as students 20plus years ago DH, me, his parents and my parents all threw money into the pot for a low key church and village hall wedding we could all afford. The brides parents pay for everything was sexist and outdated even then.

[Neutralnamechange]

Good lord is he ever old fashioned. If that is the way he feels, I hope he asked your father for permission to marry you before he asked you. Is he going to expect you to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen throughout your marriage?

[Onesleeptillwembley]

If he feels 'under pressure' to have as large a wedding as someone else then he should pay. Actually it's up to you two to pay. What a scrounger he sounds. And very easily influenced. Why do you want to marry him? He sounds a prat. And very entitled.

[BirthdayMuppet]

Pay for it your blooming selves! Are you independent adults or not?! Are you absolutely sure you want to marry him given his rather unattractive selfishness and self interest?

[Viviennemary]

I think you should pay for your own wedding unless parents want and offer to pay for a wedding. Not sure I would go ahead if my husband to be had this kind of entitled attitude. It would really make me think what a selfish person.

[CaptainHindsight]

My Dad is very wealthy but I wouldn't take a penny from him for my wedding

DH and I are adults are were perfectly capable of saving and paying for it ourselves.

Your DH is being grabby and fecking rude.

[FuckingFuck]

Your DP is being unreasonable. Yes traditionally brides family pay for wedding (or most of it) but traditionally they would also dictate guest list and many other factors. This is not the world we live in how and it's total madness for your DP to expect your dad to cough up especially given that he has helped you in the past with your house!

A contribution is lovely if that's what your parents want to do but I do think in this day and age the couple should pay. This is what my parents are doing in regards to my wedding but it was not expected at all and is very much appreciated!

I think you've got the right idea but your DP not so much!

[FuckingFuck]

I also agree with Viviennemary I would find this kind of entitled behaviour off-putting too!

[crazykat]

I think you should pay for it yourselves. If your dad offered fair enough but its not on to ask him to pay for it.

If your DP wants a big wedding like his friends had then he can pay for it or ask his parents to help.

Weddings have got hugely expensive in the last 10-15 years. My cousin got married 15 years ago and had a sit down meal for 150 in a beautiful hotel followed by a buffet later on and it cost £2000 including dj and room hire. We got married 5 years ago and it would have cost us £8,000 for that if we'd invited the same number.

[plumnc]

You are adults earning your own money and making your own decisions (including having a baby before marriage) in the 21st century. It is normal to pay for you own wedding. Voluntary contributions are great, but it is quite grabby to expect family topay imho

[oscarwilde]

Just because his parents viewed his sister as a chattel doesn't mean that yours have to....

[pinkroses5]

To be honest, even before we got engaged DP was always saying he wanted a low-key wedding, he's quite introverted and doesn't like big formal affairs (or talking in public)!! He said the best wedding he ever went to was outdoors and very informal... so I think the change of heart is due to him thinking it's 'expected' of us to have a big do. He said to me that all his friends have lavish do's. Not sure how to sway him back to his old beliefs? [Hmm] I couldn't care less what others think... it's our big day.