FiL's OW at our wedding.

(21 Posts)
BeetlebumShesAGun Mon 17-Feb-14 02:07:41

Apologies in advance for long post.

A couple of years of FIL-to-be left MiL, following the cheater's script verbatim. MiL is now happily in a relationship with a nice man she met online, FiL is with OW in a volatile on and off way. SIL does not speak to her father in protest at his relationship with OW - she told him she thought she was a gold digger (FIL is loaded) and he kicked off, called her a load of nasty names and refuses to acknowledge her. DP does speak to his father mainly as he is too nice for his own good and we have a 9 week old DD and we want her to have a relationship with her granddad. We have met OW once but DP has made it clear he doesn't like her. FIL keeps saying it is unfair we accept MIL's new partner but not OW - he refuses to accept the situations are very different.

On to the wedding and my reason for posting. DP met up with his dad today and he announced he would give us £7,000 towards it. Only on the condition that OW is invited. If she isn't, then not only will he not give us the money, he will not attend either. DP is heartbroken that his dad would choose OW over coming to his so son's wedding but feels like if we did invite OW the day would be ruined as MiL and all her family would rightly be upset. I have said I am happy to refuse the money.

I just can't believe someone could be like this about his sons wedding! Do you think refusing the money and not inviting OW is the right thing to do?

Trooperslane Mon 17-Feb-14 04:44:15

He's trying to buy you off.

He sounds horrible. thanks

lunar1 Mon 17-Feb-14 04:52:13

I would refuse the money because it's blackmail. I wouldn't have the ow there personally but your dp should make that decision separately to the money.

I would refuse the money in your position. My dad wasn't invited to my wedding, the day was better for him not being there

FrogGreen Mon 17-Feb-14 05:13:19

he doesn't sound great. It would seem foolish to let him buy you off like this at the start of everything for you two, your wedding and your tiny new DD. he'll think that's how to go about dealing with you guys in general.

but you don't want to close doors if you can help it. refuse the money, make it clear he's still invited and welcome, explain again why having OW there would create tension on YOUR day. After that it's up to you.

btw I think it's despicable to use money to try to force an emotional issue like this. I have relatives who are "loaded" and they would never

FrogGreen Mon 17-Feb-14 05:14:34

oops, "up to him" I meant

Quinteszilla Mon 17-Feb-14 05:24:49

My dad once offered to pay 7.5k towards our garden office (for dh to work from home) on the condition we did NOT go and see dhs family (different country) during the summer holidays, but stayed home near my mum and dad in case they needed help with anything.

When I told my dad he could keep his money because we were going to see dhs family regardless he sulked for a few months and did not speak to me until after the holidays.

Since then he has had a lot more respect for me. I suggest your fiance grows a back bone sooner rather than later.

BeetlebumShesAGun Mon 17-Feb-14 13:43:42

Thank you all. We have decided to carry on as if he never said anything, plan the wedding without his money and refuse to discuss the wedding with him.

I am really angry on DP's behalf though. Can't understand why anyone would put their girlfriend before their children, no matter how adult they are.

BeetlebumShesAGun Mon 17-Feb-14 13:44:01

Thank you all. We have decided to carry on as if he never said anything, plan the wedding without his money and refuse to discuss the wedding with him.

I am really angry on DP's behalf though. Can't understand why anyone would put their girlfriend before their children, no matter how adult they are.

KhloeKardashian Mon 17-Feb-14 13:47:32

Your FIL sounds like someone I would avoid as much as possible. He and his OW made a mockery of Marriage and he of his own Wedding vow's and now wants to create negativity around your Wedding.

I am glad you have decided to carry on as if he never said anything, have a lovely day.

Roussette Mon 17-Feb-14 13:48:50

If your MIL is happy in another relationship and her OH will be coming, despite the way it happened, why can't your FIL have the same and bring the person he is with? It might be different if your MIL was still desperately unhappy and upset but it sounds like she isn't.

BeetlebumShesAGun Mon 17-Feb-14 16:35:35

Rousette she is in another happy relationship but she was totally devastated by the breakup and we had to pretty much move in with her to get her through the day. The women is a brazen gold digger and she is not a nice person. I have met her. It's not just MiL, neither of us like her or want her there.

BeetlebumShesAGun Mon 17-Feb-14 16:35:51

Woman, sorry.

BeetlebumShesAGun Mon 17-Feb-14 16:38:16

Plus there is a huge difference with her partner who she met after the breakup being there and the woman that ruined her marriage and is partly responsible for the misery my DP and his sister had to go through. I know it takes two to have an affair but I really don't think it's the same thing at all and I have explained this to FIL.

Viviennemary Mon 17-Feb-14 16:42:46

If everyone has moved on I can't see the objection to your FIL's new partner coming to the wedding even if you disapprove. Don't think I'd accept a bribe whether in the end she comes or not. Because it will always be there in the background. Leave it to your partner to decide what to do about inviting the OW.

Roussette Mon 17-Feb-14 16:47:49

Beetle .. well perhaps this is a chance to mend some bridges. A wedding is a happy time and maybe it's time to just accept and move on. Of course it is hard when this woman comes along and your FIL has acted like a twat but from personal experience, I went to a wedding in a similar sort of situation with the OW at the wedding of my niece (he left my sister for this woman) and it was a turning point. Things just got better because no one was going to argue at a wedding, it was a wonderfully happy day for all concerned and things just got better from then on.

Roussette Mon 17-Feb-14 16:50:00

I have to add, it was extremely difficult for my sister as she wasn't with anyone (unlike your MIL) but she acted with good grace for the sake of her daughter. She looked amazing too as she'd lost a hell of a lot of weight due to what had happened!

BeetlebumShesAGun Mon 17-Feb-14 16:53:58

That does sound good but due to the way MIL and SIL are I don't think they could hack it tbh. They are still bitter to the point of being resentful of us for even speaking to FIL, so I don't think it would work out like that!

We have decided to just carry on as normal and not even think about whether she attends or not until closer to the time (spring next year) as by then a) they may not even be together or b) wounds will have healed enough for everyone to get along for the day!

KhloeKardashian Mon 17-Feb-14 17:04:12

I think the bridge mending should be offered by the offending people, not the victims of the selfish.

They have no respect for marriage OP, I wouldn't bother with them at your Wedding.

If they want to build bridges they do so at their important events not yours x

Roussette Mon 17-Feb-14 17:11:02

I wish you luck with it all Beetle - families are not easy!

trainersandaches Mon 17-Feb-14 17:16:08

We didn't invite my FIL or his wife to our wedding. He left my DMiL absolutely in the lurch when my DH and his sister were teenagers (has now been married to the once-OW for around 10 years).

His wife has a high-flying job and they live in the Far East - we have very little contact with them now (usually a dinner once or twice a year).

We didn't want the wedding day to be overshadowed particularly for my DMiL by the thought of seeing her ex-husband with his wife, so we didn't invite either of them.

FIL took us for a meal after our wedding and said he was 'saddened' by the decision. But I maintain it was the right thing for us to do - we wanted it to be a happy day. He has tried to 'bribe' us with promises of paying our flights to go and see them etc. I don't want his hospitality if it comes with conditions, and even though I don't think he would see it like that, it does feel like blackmail.

You and your OH will know what the right decision feels like. I have been to lots of weddings where divorced parents have even shared the top table with their new husbands/wives, their old husbands/wives and the bridal couple. I didn't think my FIL wanted to be there to share our day, I think he wanted to be there because it felt like a snub to be left out, even though he abdicated responsibility for his family when he went to live abroad.

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