Upset Chief Bridesmaid

(38 Posts)
ThinkyPantsWorryWort Sat 08-Feb-14 15:32:01

Please help. How do I make my Chief Bridesmaid and life long friend feel ok with the fact that I picked my wedding dress without her present?

It wasn't intentional, she lives a long way away so I was attempting to narrow down the choices and range of places she would have to visit with me when she arrived.

Then I put 'my' dress on, it fitted perfectly. I knew before I looked in the mirror. . . thought about it long and hard over lunch (the shop agreed to hold) and in the end I 'had' to go back for it. They couldn't guarantee being able to order it is as it wasn't new stock. The only ones available to order were in such teeny sizes they would never have gone near me.

One very difficult phone-call later and it is clear that the process of being there when I was choosing was of great importance. She was aware that I was going shopping to narrow it down to ease our time together so that wasn't a surprise.

What can I do? Not a lot is the answer I have come to, but hoping the wise people of Mumsnet can help me out!

Just found this thread and am shock !

I've been chief bridesmaid three times and was only involved in the dress selection process once, and that was purely by default as the bride's mother couldn't come. I bought my own wedding dress on ebay for reasons of economy and not really being that arsed about a bloody dress expediency, and it didn't seem to occur to my chief bridesmaid to have taken the huff over it. Surely it's more a bride's mother's duty than the chief bridesmaid's?

I think this is awful tbh. You have enough to be stressed about in the run-up to your wedding without constantly worrying that you're offending the CB's perception of protocol as well. I do hope she's a MNer and that she stumbles across this thread- might help her get a grip!

SameAsYou Mon 17-Mar-14 13:18:11

How are things?

Twintery Thu 06-Mar-14 16:39:41

I wouldnt send an email.

I would though, if you have time, invite her for a long coffee style lunch or an evening meal, just the two of you.
Or even a nice walk. Anything that gives her plenty of time to open up to you if she wants to.

Didnt get the no dress suitable bit.
Was it her that was saying no to all of them?
I have just been bridesmaid shopping with someone, and there are a lot of dresses to choose from, almost too many.

tbh, I would be a bit wary of her having full rein.
What if for instance she chose black and you didnt like it at all?

The bridesmaid shopping that I know about, some of the brides gave no choice at all to the bridesmaids, and they were relatively happy about it, as often keeping to a budget is a priority.

Whocansay Tue 04-Mar-14 20:43:43

I'd stop fawning all over her and tell her to grow up. She just sounds massively jealous and is making it all about her.

I'd rethink involving her at all. This is supposed to be the fun bit and she's going out of her way to spoil it.

MimiSunshine Tue 04-Mar-14 19:01:06

Hi OP sorry things aren't going well with your bridesmaid. I would send her an email but I'd perhaps rephrase some of it, otherwise I think you're in danger of your wedding becoming all about her.

Just keep it short and sweet, say its a shame bridesmaid dress shopping didn't work out as hoped (you don't need to be sorry, presumably it wasn't your fault a dress wasn't chosen). You hope she's ok as she hasn't seemed herself recently (don't presume her behaviour is actually linked to your wedding --even if it is, she should tell you--) and if there is anything bothering her she can talk to you at any time.

Don't pussy foot around her, if you has an issue with you getting married then she needs to tell you or get over it. Otherwise you're in danger of her being Mardy while you tie yourself up in knots trying to make her happy

ThinkyPantsWorryWort Thu 27-Feb-14 14:34:01

Hi all,

Sorry for going quiet - had a manic time at work. Things are a little better but my plan of making it up with an amazing day out bridesmaid dress shopping went wrong.

Not one of the dresses was suitable - for a whole range of reasons. Have now left it in her hands to find something she likes in the budget and am not getting involved.

I am amazed at her to be honest. This is not the best friend I know and love and I can only think there must be something else going on, something major that either she hasn't told me about or doesn't yet realise. I am disappointed my wedding is largely linked with negative memories for her but am not going to let them invade my memories. Everything else is fine. I have wondered whether or not she 'approves' of the groom but . . . meh. There's no reason for her not to like him but as I'm beginning to learn, nowt as queer as folk.

I have considered sending an email along the lines of "I love you very much. Clearly the wedding planning has not been an enjoyable process for you and I just want to let you know that A) that's ok our friendship is older and stronger than an 'event'. (Plus my feelings about said event are strong enough not to let one person affect it though I won't be putting that in my email) B) if there's anything I can do (including giving you the option to step down without being replaced) to make it easier just let me know. C) If there is something going on right now in your world that is making this difficult, please remember you can talk about it, or chose not to talk about it but it would be good to know if something is going on so I can stop worrying that it's something I've done and start figuring out how to be the best friend to you that you need at the moment.

But I'm not sure it would be received well. Don't get me wrong I have my "FFS why is she doing this moments" but ultimately I'm just rather worried. sad

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. It has helped me keep very calm about it all.

ApolloniaVitelliCorleone Tue 25-Feb-14 19:14:15

Seriously why would you give any credence to someone who would give you any grief about finding your perfect wedding dress and purchasing it.

LadyFlumpalot Tue 25-Feb-14 18:46:11

My best friend is also upset that I chose my dress without her. I just explained that I had to say yes or no as it was going out if stock and invited her along to the appointment for the final fitting when I got "mine" in 4 months time.

jessjessjess Wed 19-Feb-14 10:18:34

"We get brides asking us to pretend they haven't been before and found the dress as they don't want to upset a member of the bridal party."

People do that? Bloody hell!!!

OP, your friend's disappointment should never have become your problem. She's being very selfish.

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 09-Feb-14 20:49:22

She sounds like an absolute nightmare. How utterly stupid and self-obsessed!

makingdoo Sun 09-Feb-14 20:44:29

OP I work in a bridal shop and see this all the time! People massively underestimate how long it takes to order a new dress. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your found your dress and she should be delighted for you.

Can you take her to the shop to see 'your' dress? We get brides asking us to pretend they haven't been before and found the dress as they don't want to upset a member of the bridal party.

She'll get over it!! So, tell us about your dress!

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sun 09-Feb-14 20:36:49

I wouldn't be bothering to placate her by involving her in other stuff, especially stuff you are fabricating for her to feel better hmm.

She is being pathetic. When you find the dress you just know.

Paintyfingers Sun 09-Feb-14 20:33:10

Pp are right - she is being daft. Plenty of brides choose dresses with their dm only and I certainly did. Neither of my bm were even slightly disappointed. I think you sound like a very kind and considerate friend.

As you are planning to do, make a big fuss of her getting to see your dress for the first time and involve her in lots of stuff. Make bm dress shopping an amazing day out with special lunch etc etc?

mumzuki Sun 09-Feb-14 20:27:12

Thought it was the bride's prerogative to go bridezilla, not a job for the bridesmaid! She sounds crazy - or, she's ambivalent about the whole thing, for reasons of her own. Depends whether it's easier for you to gloss over it, or to try to find out what's really going on for her.

MsAspreyDiamonds Sun 09-Feb-14 12:51:34

Blimey! If I were your chief bm I would have been happy that you chose the dress without me having to traipse around a million shops.

If she is going to behave like this now, what is she going to be at the wedding?

Get her to come accessories shopping with you instead. I know it wont be the same but she can be involved in coordinating your bridal look togethher now the dress has been chosen.

Tiredemma Sat 08-Feb-14 19:31:04

Its not about her not being there- its about your two other friends being there when you found 'the dress' instead of her.

Thats what I think anyway.

capercaillie Sat 08-Feb-14 19:25:58

Ask her to help choose accessories - veil, shoes, hair etc. say you need her at a fitting to help sort all that...

ProfondoRosso Sat 08-Feb-14 19:19:11

Please do not let her make you feel bad about this. You have already been overly considerate here. She needs to grow up.

stripes1 Sat 08-Feb-14 18:45:23

Is she married? Maybe if she isn't (and if it's not on the cards for her) then she was going to be living her 'wedding dreams' alongside you iyswim? Friends marrying does bring out all sorts of emotions in people.

ThinkyPantsWorryWort Sat 08-Feb-14 18:35:49

I hope you are all right! I shall not dwell on it, simply move on. I was to stunned to say much in reply during the conversation and am kicking myself for not being a little bit more forthright with her. It would be daft to bring it back up now though.

Will make her visit all about the bridesmaids - and will ask her opinion on all things accessories wise.

I feel a lot better after this post - I appreciate the replies and advice. Fingers crossed it is all plain sailing from here.

You know, I had wondered if jealously might be a factor. However the person I am marrying is as far away from her 'type' as possible. It could just be the very fact I am getting married but . . . I don't know. I've never been jealous of the wedding, perhaps a few engagements whilst I eagerly awaited mine!

AndHarry Sat 08-Feb-14 15:53:24

What MrsCakes said. Your friend is being weirdly rude. I'd turn the weekend she's down into a bridesmaid dress shopping event instead.

MooncupGoddess Sat 08-Feb-14 15:47:15

Um gosh. I wouldn't linger on it, but maybe involve her in some other form of wedding decision-making when she comes to stay? Table decorations, accessories... I dunno, when I was a bridesmaid going shopping for the bride's dress would have been my idea of hell.

Honeysweet Sat 08-Feb-14 15:47:14

If she is a good friend to you, she may just be having a bad day, possibly hormonal? And will get over it all pretty quickly.
If I was her, I might want your dress to be a surprise too. I dont see anything wrong in that part.

Is she jealous?

ThinkyPantsWorryWort Sat 08-Feb-14 15:46:55

There is 1 other. Not sure why I called her Chief to be honest! Haven't done that before.

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