Tackling the awkward issue of money

[weddingballsup]

DP and I got engaged a couple of weeks ago so are just starting to think about planning the wedding, mostly about how to pay for it! We're not thinking of going overboard but have worked out even if we cut costs where we can we'll still need about £4k. First off, we're not expecting anyone else to pay our way, we're happy to pay for it all if needs be but we'll have to save up for quite a while. However, if our families can help us out, even on a loan basis, it's means we can get married much quicker (ie, 15 months-ish rather than 3 years or more).

DP's family aren't well off at all but have already offered to contribute about £400 so we know where we stand there. However, my parents are being incredibly vague and I'm not sure how to tackle it with them, whether to just ask for a sum straight out as a loan or just assume they're not contributing. They've said "we'll give you some money instead of a wedding present" but not mentioned any figure and also said "We paid for your dsis' wedding but that's not done anymore is it" in a laughing 'oh that'd be ridiculous' way, so I don't know whether they're hinting 'don't ask'. Which is a teeny bit insulting because they happily forked over £5000 15 years ago (big age difference) for a full 'bells and whistles' do for my sister.

But all we really need is a £2k loan which we'd start paying back after the wedding, we wouldn't be asking for free money unless they really wanted to give it. They can definitely afford it as they have £5k in savings for each of us for house deposits (not likely to need mine any time soon!) and further savings themselves, so it won't be taking their heating money or anything.

How can I ask "what do you want to give us or loan us?" tactfully and without being grabby?

[Lj8893]

Its a difficult one. Tbh I think if they wanted to offer you a gift or loan they would have offered by now.

Have they got the money to loan you? Thier finances may well have changed in the last 15 years since your sisters wedding.

Why not bring up your plans in conversation and say you want to get married sooner but would need to get a loan to do so, so your thinking about going to the bank. If they have and want to loan you the money they will say so then, if they don't then they won't.

[overmydeadbody]

I think it is very unwise and unnecessary to start married life in debt.

You really shouldn't take out a loan (even from parents) to pay for a wedding.


If you want to spend £4000, then you need to accept that it will take a while to save that amount. You could get married a lot sooner if you just had a wedding you could afford.

The £400 will just about cover the actual marriage cost (registrar) and you could have a low key low cost party afterwards that doesn't need to cost so much.

You should just ask your parents outright if you can rule them out or not for financial help with the wedding.

[overmydeadbody]

I'd assume your parents are not going to contribute, they would have told you by now actually.

Just have a £2000 wedding, instead of a £4000 one.

[MsAspreyDiamonds]

Start selling stuff on e-bay/car boots sales that you do not need anymore to generate cash for your reception.
for eg. I recently sold some gold bracelets that I inherited for 2k. If you set your mind to it it is amazing how much you can raise.

Open a high interest, fixed term notice account where you can save specifically for your wedding.

Cancel Christmas gift s this year, just buy small token presents if need be.

Cancel your annual holidays.

Cancel hobbies/subscriptions for a year

Have a late afternoon ceremony (4/5pm) so you can invite everybody to the wedding ceremony & reception afterwards. That way you have one set of catering costs so you can feed everyone.
My friend did this & avoided paying an additional 2k for a buffet.

Only when you have done all you can to generate extra cash, should you expect a loan or a cash gift.

[Pixiedust1973]

Did you ask your parents OP? It would be unfair for them to contribute nothing if they happily paid 5k for your sisters wedding albeit 15 years ago.

[glasgowsteven]

my PIL to be paid 5k for last year for the reception of their youngest daughters wedding.

Our wedding

2k - well yours is smaller....

[confettiwoman]

I had the same situation with my parents. They'd said they'd 'help me out' with my wedding, but were vague about the amount, and when and how they'd be passing over the money.
What i/we did was take my parents to a couple of venues we were looking at on the venues open days, got parents to give us their opinion of the venue. When they looked at us to see if we agreed (they liked it btw), i honestly said very politely "to be honest we can't book anywhere yet until we know what our budget is and that includes any gift you're going to give us". I stressed we didn't want an answer on the spot. That night we had a call from my parents confirming how much they'd give and asking for my bank details to transfer over in 3 installments.

[JRmumma]

Tricky. My sister is in a similar situation. Our parents have told her what they are giving them, which is the same ad they gave my for mine. Her DP has a very strange relationship with his parents when it comes to money and although he has said he will contribute, hasn't said an amount. They know they paid for thier daughters wedding in full (but that's different as its traditional, whether you agree with that or not), and gave around £2k to the other son. Its been hard for them to plan and not know, not because they think they are entitled to anything, but when you are trying to plan the day that you want, you need to know your budget.

In your case you want to know if you can marry next year or not and have the day you want.

It does sound odd that they don't plan to help with costs if they paid for DSIS wedding in full. Do they have a problem with your partner maybe?

[MsAspreyDiamonds]

www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/Budget-planning

To help u budget for your wedding.