How involved are/were your in laws in the wedding planning?

[Jellyhandsandfingers]

My future in laws have shown little interest in our wedding and we are both a little bit hurt. DP is especially hurt as it is his family. We obviously don't expect it to be their number 1 priority as after all, it is our wedding but we would have thought they would have been a little interested.

Our engagement was met with enthusiasm. His family all seemed happy and excited. They expressed interest in doing various thing to help, coming to various appointments for dress shopping and venue hunting then about a week later they seemed to stop wanting any involvement at all.

By comparison my family have been really supportive. Not at our beck and call or anything as they have their own lives and that is not what we would expect, but supportive, willing to help with things, enthusiastic about taking part in things/helping out and giving suggestions.

I feel bad for DP as he is a bit baffled about what is going on with them and sad they don't seem remotely interested. I keep asking if they would like to come places but they tend not to respond to the text for a while and then decline.

I know we just have to accept it for the way it is but was just wondering if it is normal for the grooms family to act like this?

Sorry if I am a bit vague. I don't want to go into specific examples in case some family see this and get offended!

[quoteunquote]

I would of thought it perfectly normal to not be interested in someone else's wedding plans, as long as they turn up on the day, don't do anything horrible, I would of thought that would be a bonus.

You will bore everyone to death with it, if you are not careful, and they will be just glad it's all over with.

It's exciting for you two, and a lovely memorable(if you do it right) occasion for everyone else, don't go into to overkill, and end up, with everyone counting down the days, until you can have a conversation about anything else.

[Jellyhandsandfingers]

Thank you for the response.

That's the thing, I don't think we have been boring them with the arrangements. I don't ever raise it with them when I see them or anyone else for that matter. I wait to be prompted because like you said, people end up bored If you keep banging on about it all the time which is not what I want! I'm happy to answer people's questions and talk about it when prompted but avoid raising it in general conversation. The only time I have raised it is to tell the relevant people that various appointments are happening that they may be interested in.

My family and friends will show an interest his just tend not to, despite saying at first that they wanted to do x, y and z. I guess maybe that was their initial excitement.

Like I said in my first post, I don't expect anyone to be at our beck and call to help with our wedding plans but I'm just surprised at the complete lack of interest or wanting any involvement from his family and was wondering if this was a 'groom's family' thing that happens often!

At the same time, if it seems as though I am boring them by letting them know about the appoitnments and things, do you think I should stop inviting them? So far I have told my future MIL and SIL (also bridesmaid) about three different days I was going to go dress shopping. They had initially both said how much they would like to come dress shopping. In SILs case she had text me nervously asking if I would mind if she came. Their initial excitement was why I asked them, however they didn't come to any when it came to it and I was just worried I was being a pain. The other appointment I have asked MIL too is to join us to meet with the florist. So that's four different dates since we started planning. I am mainly asking them to do these things so that they feel included.

I'm so confused what to do going forwards. Maybe I should just give up tring to include them but then I don't want them to feel excluded or like we don't want them involved either.

[quoteunquote]

I just wouldn't read anything into it,

Are they cautious of upsetting you, or just busy.

[IwishIwasmoreorganised]

My IL's didn't come to any appoitnments with us except for the one to decide which wines we were going to have and they were going to pay for!

We were all happy with that.

[joanofarchitrave]

My inlaws invited 20 people without telling us so that we had to change venues and rejig the entire wedding.

Be careful what you wish for.

[OrangeLily]

They are probably waiting to be invited in to your plans. They may be taking a back seat so as to not overwhelm you.

I ended up being really grateful to mines for this as they proved to be really helpful nearer the time.

[Jellyhandsandfingers]

Thank you. You have all made me feel much better. I always worry about offending people whatever I do and I've got myself into a situation where I just don't know what to do for the best.

Joan - that's awful! To be fair on my in laws, they've been great with the guest list. We've kind of had to encourage them to have any input in that area. I guess we are very lucky in that respect.

[Jellyhandsandfingers]

Orange - that's my biggest concern. I want to get the balance right between inviting them to be involved but not making them feel as though they have to drop everything to help be there whenever we need them.

I hope they will be marke involved closer to the time. We've always been close and things feel a bit odd at the moment due to a couple of things that have happened so I hope they will get more involved closer to the time and that everyone will have a great time.

[Startail]

DMIL organised food, photographer, flowers, booking the village hall and all things church related and found a hair dresser. As everyone else was 5-7hrs drive away.

My DMum booked hotel rooms worried about getting invites and orders of service printed (when DH would have done them) and worried about food (all the caterers brochures got lost in the post.) I kept assuring her that DMIL would sort it.

Unfortunately DM and DMIL had only met once, both are lovely, but do things their own way. DM is very conventional and DMIL was wonderfully eccentric.

DH organised the honeymoon, a hotel for our wedding night and was nagged into buying a suit.

I sorted dresses etc with the help of a dressmaking aunt and DH and I talked cake with the caterer.

DDad organised the owners of the nicest cars into being wedding cars and didn't moan about the hall no smoking sign.

DSIS was my bridesmaid and DSIL played for signing the registers.

That's it, no evening do, no favours, no seating plan, no a 1000 other things people stress about.

[voscar]

Perhaps they are concerned that by being invited to appointments for things that it is in expectation that they will contribute costs?

[PaperPomPom]

Future PIL completely disinterested. Future MIL goes on about future SIL wedding constantly, which was last year, which is quite annoying.

[raisah]

Too bloody involved if you ask me. My SIL completly took over, she became a controlling pyschopath. Why do women become like this? It wasnt even her wedding, I am dreading it when she gets married. The poor bloke wont know whats hit him.

[nooka]

My ILs had zero involvement. But then dh and I didn't get to decide much either as my mother was incredibly controlling about the whole thing. We got to chose the band, and the transport between the church and venue (and she made a big fuss when we booked a Routemaster bus). We didn't even get to invite more than about 20 people!

I wasn't too surprised when talking to my older sisters later to find that they had both thought quite seriously about eloping part way into the planning for their weddings.

My father did pay for everything - very traditional.

[MortifiedAdams]

My FIL didnt seem to realise there was a wedding til the week before when he asked us how we were planning on getting him there (he doesnt drive).

MIL said "I will.pay for the flowers, send me the bill"

That suns up their involvement. Tbh, my own father asked about a.month before "which church are you getting married in?" - total.atheists, had booked a HOtel for the whole thing.

I.loved it - just left to get on with it all.without any interferance.

[MissTweed]

We my DH and I were planning our wedding last year we had the excitement of discussing our plans, showing pictures etc etc o our parents but never expected them to come with us to appointments etc. we never really invited them to anything like that as assumed that they would find it a bit boring after a while.

[CPtart]

No-one else really involved in ours, we sorted and booked it all ourselves, apart from my choosing the dress to which my mum came along.
PIL paid nothing towards the day however.

[MangoJuiceAddict]

My in-laws planned my wedding. I was very young when I married (19), DD was 15 months old and the whole thing was something we 'had to do' due to pressure from my DH's family and community. We had a Sikh wedding and I didn't really understand my options so allowed the in-laws to plan the whole thing. it was a great day, I wore a stunning lehenga-chunni and everything went smoothly, but it was only the third time in my life i'd been to a gurdwara and didn't really understand anything. If I had my time again, i'd explore my options, learn more about Sikhism and plan itr all myself . But I was exhausted and had a baby to look after, so I guess I should be thankful to them really!

[lynseyclark]

my mother in law is more involved that i'd like her to be grrrrrr anyone would think she's getting married