Family politics advice please

[KateTheClumsyStripper]

So.....

We're getting married in May '13. It's a small wedding that we're organising and funding entirely ourselves so we've had to be brutal with the guest list.

Problem no 1. My mum came over all confused about why my brothers girlfriend (not together long and we've never met) wasn't on the invitation. I replied to my brother that 'I hope you understand that it's a very small wedding and there's lots of people we'd like to be there who sadly we couldn't fit onto the guest list so +1's who we've never actually met have had to be bumped off the list. Sorry, let her know it's nothing personal we're just on a very tight budget and capacity. Hope that's ok.' It was ok.

This morning DP's mum calls about why his sisters boyfriend (not together long and we've never met) wasn't on the invitation. He askes me if DSis's DP can come, i remind of what we had to tell my family and he say's the two things are totally irrelevent to each other and 'it's just one more person'. I reminded him of catering costs being per person and is this someone you wasnt to replace an aunt/friend on the list. Now apparently this partner is coming and i have to find a way to justify this with my family.

Problem no. 2. My mum (again) wanted to find her MOTB outfit for my wedding. Just to set the scene this is a woman who wore a full length gold sequin emblazened ball gown to my late grandparents small anniversary party. She wants to wear some thing bright (this means flourescent) despite the theme being cream, pale blue and vintage lacey. I found some dresses that she agreed were 'acceptable' i bought them at my own expense for her to try. she then decides 3 months later (returns date long expired) that they don't make her feel 'special enough'. The dress she has now bought and is trying to bill me for is metalic turquiose with massive ruffles round the neckline. I was less than enthusiastic and she has now told my whole family that i have uninvited her and them to my wedding. Que numerous confused calls from relatives, some of whom we hadn't invited in the first place.

She's going to complealty overshodow me at my own wedding. She didn't come dress shopping with me, and refuses to acknowledge the wedding dress photo i sent her, meaning she hates it.

I knew both these things were likely to happen but they're making me sad. Ever day i have a new email with a list of things she has a problem with. By the time we actually marry i'll be on problem no 1,376 for you all to fix for me.

Sorry for the long post.

[Bajas]

Re problem 1- Why are invitations out so early? You may well have met db's partner on many occasions by May 13. I Also think immediate family should have more consideration than other guests (e g we invited children of our siblings to wedding but not anyone else's children bar one bf baby). I don't think any other guests would be put out by your sibling's partners being asked.

As regards your second problem I think your mum should be able to wear what she wants (so long as it's respectable!) but should pay for it herself.

[KateTheClumsyStripper]

Invitations are out so early because everyone works and it's a weekday wedding so we were trying to be conciderate, especially as my friends have to book leave 6months ahead.

I feel that calling up and asking on someone elses partners behalf why they're not invited to the wedding is really cheeky. Perhaps if brother/sister (both fickle teenagers - not longterm settled partners) had approached us themselves with some good reasoning it would be different.

We have a very strict guest list limit of 40 people and these extra partners will mean withdrawing invitations for family and closest friends. The few children coming are direct family and part of the wedding party so can't withdraw their invites either.

Sorry if i wasn't clear, i have not banned my mum from wearing what she wants i'm just disapointed (but utterly un-suprised) about her insistance on being the center of attention.

Perhaps i'm being Bridezilla and getting it wrong.

[Bajas]

Ah I totally see your point now about siblings partners with the numbers you have. Quite possible that teen relationships won't last that long anyway.

My mum is another one that likes to be the centre of attention so can empathise with that. But remember you are the bride and will definitely be the centre of attention (unless she's planning hot pants and nipple tassles )

[DorsetKnob]

Why on earth are you buying your mother's outfit?

Sounds reasonable about +1's, perhaps your husband to be can explain to your family why it is one rule for them and another for his side.

[KateTheClumsyStripper]

I'm buying my mothers outfit because trust me it's easier this way.

How the hell do i go about uninviting someone? We've invited 40 people exactly (venue and caterers do bride and groom free) so now someone has to go :(

time me thinks

[DorsetKnob]

YOu don't, your DH to be will do the uninviting as he was the one to add the extra. You make sure that everyone knows this.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Or - just pay for two more people. How much can it be?

You can tell your Mum to buy her own outfit to compensate.

You know what - she won't overshadow you, because everyone will be thinking 'what a twit'.

BUT - why are you trying to get her to tie in with the theme? This is the second thread this week I have seen with this in it, is it a new thing???

[KateTheClumsyStripper]

Urm i hadn't thought of it as tying her in with the theme. I've not dictated colours or anything. Thinking about it it's not about what she wants to wear, it's that she doesn't give a damn.

If we 'just pay for 2 more people' i'd rather it be 2 of the people we've both acyually met and would like to be there.

This could snowball into just paying for the distant aunts and cousin's we've not seen for years, and their partners, and their new baby, and that guy from the pub, and his half step sisters cousins best friends dog..... etc. We're already over budget and people are about £60 each including catering, favours, stationary.

However much of a twit she looks she's going to be looking a twit in the photo's that we'll have for the rest of our lives.

[sashh]

Breathe

It is your day.

Do not invite anyone you don't want. Tell DP to do the uninviting.

You will be the centre of attention because you are the bride.

[KateTheClumsyStripper]

Thanks. I did suspect i was over reacting.

Chanting - it'll be fine - it'll be fine - and repeat...

[EldritchCleavage]

Well, since your mother has already cost you 3 dresses and is determined to upstage you, I think you would be perfectly reasonable if you told her she can pay for her own outfit now. Any chance you could E-bay the ones you got to get some £ back?

If DP doesn't support you over his sister's partner it looks as though you'll have to put up with it, which is a shame, but I'd have another go by handing him the guest list and asking him to decide who cannot come to make way for a stranger. I sympathise.

On money, I'd forget favours and anything fiddly and small like that. No one really minds about those. Just buy the big ticket things and recoup a bit of cash that way.

[TobyLerone]

I agree with you about the guest list (although it's not something I would do).

However, you sound quite controlling re your mum's outfit. You might actually be making her worse. She might be rebelling.