I'm a horrible person...(25 Posts)
Not sure where to start...
Life has been increasingly shit for the last few years. My mum died suddenly 5 years ago, a year later DH was diagnosed with primary progressive MS. He has declined rapidly and has had to stop working. He ran his own business; part of the assets were sold (no profit) and the rest went into liquidation. Since I took him to all the meetings concerning this process (he's now in a wheelchair), I have discovered how much he hid from me. There's no money at all, he lost his forces pension to a dodgy off shore property investment, any savings are gone and there's about 100k of debt. I work full time and am now the sole earner - the stress is awful. DS2 has Asperger's and still lives at home.
My oldest friend (who I love dearly) has moved back here after years in another part of the country as she and her husband have retired (we're mid-fifties). They have worked hard, saved and now have more than enough for a comfortable life.
At the moment I just can't face her - I'm so fucking jealous and feel so guilty for feeling like this. Her life has never been anything but charmed and her future looks the same. I face having to work forever, we are totally broke. I have to think about spending money on a cup of coffee. Yesterday I found out that they're off to Thailand for a month - I did my usual Oscar performance of being excited for her, but underneath I'm just so depressed and fed up. I really don't feel happy for her and hate myself for it.
I'm so angry and furious with DH for putting us in this financial position and lying to me for years (we have 11 years to pay off our mortgage (it won't happen on what I earn) so we face being homeless. He has dug in his heels and just keeps saying he doesn't want to move).
My job is very pressured but there's seriously no alternative without taking a pay cut which is not an option. I just can't feel happy about anything - this isn't where I saw myself at this time of my life. I spend my whole time looking out for everyone else and feel that there's no-one who looks out for me - they would miss me because of the things I do, not for me.
Sorry, it's very long - I can't see a way out. I don't want to see people, I don't want to hear about their social lives/holidays etc - I just want to disappear and not have to think about any of it.
My situation is not the same as yours, but I completely understand how you are feeling. Especially about looking out for everyone else etc.
I have a (very dearly loved) friend, who with very little effort leads a charmed life. Whilst I seem to lurch from one disaster to catastrophe after another.
I think you'll have to put your foot down with your husband in regards to moving. If the financial burden is on you, then I think you need to have serious talks with him.
Not a lot of help, but didn't want to read and run.
Oh Lara, you are not a horrible person - you're an entirely normal kind person who has a lot to deal with.
Would down-sizing help your situation at all?
Down sizing would help hugely - we need a bungalow for DH. Suitable ones are rarer than hens's teeth round here. I've been looking constantly since his diagnosis and TBH there have been 2 that we could afford. His heels are well and truly dug in - it's beginning to become a serious bone of contention.
I find myself constantly having to bite my tongue because if I said all I was thinking, it would damage our relationship beyond repair. He would see it as me blaming him for having MS - which it obviously isn't.
I understand how you would feel bitter and resentful and sorry about your husband's illness but I don't think he has a say in it after what he has done behind your back. If down-sizing would help you, I think that is an option you need to seriously consider. Would you be able to pay off your mortgage or reduce the debt by doing so? Good luck and I hope someone comes along who will be able to offer you some good financial advice.
Selling would pay off the mortgage, but with so littler profit we wouldn't be able to afford to buy another house. No-one is going to give me a mortgage in my mid-fifties for the amount I need - and being mortgage free is what we need.
I agree he doesn't morally have a say in how we proceed, but legally he does - joint owners.
You need to say what you are thinking to him, not hold it back. This is not about his MS, it's about his actions.
Have you got anyone irl you can get to back you up?
No-one who he would listen to. If we venture into reality territory he quickly says he can't cope with the conversation, I'm putting him under too much pressure and stress and he leaves the room.
You're not a horrible person. You are a normal person in a horrible situation.
Apply for housing association bungalows in your area, they are rare and don't become available very often. Talk to all the HA's in your are and see if they have any schemes that could help you.
You may have to accept a normal HA house then apply for a transfer later on.
Firstly sorry to hear about your husbands ms. Have you been Your your local housing authority? They may be able to help with disabled housing as you cannot afford to buy another property. Also he may be entitled to PIP. If he is (which I'm 99% sure he is) you should be able to claim carers allowance. If your husband does qualify for the higher amount you should be entitled to a mobility scooter or a car for easier travel.
Your not horrible. I'm in a totally different scenario but experiencing the jealousy of those who seem to land normal routine lives and the guilt is horrible for feeling that way.
But you are entitled to feel how you feel, those feelings are valid - I haven't found fighting the feelings ever lessens my reality. It's ok that you feel the way you do - it sucks
He gets higher rate PIP, I'm not entitled to carer's allowance. We use the money for running our car (owned outright, only £30pa tax and I do very low mileage) and living expenses.
I'm worried that I will never get over this sense of utter betrayal, it's already tipping over to resentment. So where will we go if the relationship breaks down totally? Who leaves a disabled person? Who would believe it wasn't about the disability?
I don't want to feel this resentfulness and jealousy but can't shake it off.
Is going bankrupt to write off the 100k debt worth looking into?
My cousin has MS and is in a wheelchair and her DH didn't think twice about leaving her...
You need to separate the MS from your situation. He got you into this mass (by covering up the debts) you've got to get yourself out of it.
You are not a horrible person at all and you have to call the shots.
Don't worry about your friend. She will be supportive if you tell her most of the truth but not that you're jealous of her!
Have you seen anyone at Citizen's Advice or a financial adviser?
Speak to your local HA, you may find that you of your house is on the market they'll accept you on the list for a MN adapted property and you may even be able to keep any equity you have left over when your house sells which would improve your quality of life.
You're not horrible and you shouldn't be shouldering the burden of the financial situation your husband has left you in without his support. If he won't consider easing the pressure on you by moving then I would be seriously considering whether you have a future with him.
Firstly, you are not a horrible person the life you believed you were working for has disappeared before your eyes. Your husband's illness would be hard enough to cope with if you were financially secure, with the added stress of the financial turmoil your dh's deceit has thrown you into your reaction is perfectly, normal, reasonable and understandable.
Secondly, as you are the one that has been left to pick up the pieces and are having to shoulder the burden of his mismanagement then you are the one who decides how you will manage this situation for the future. If he doesn't want to hear that or will not listen then I'm afraid you may well have to leave in order to salvage a future not riven with stress and poverty. He is being monumentally selfish in expecting you to deal with all this whilst sticking his heels in and refusing to do anything that will make it easier for you to do so.
Thirdly, if you sold the house would you be able to buy somewhere outright that is cheaper and easier to run and you would only need to cover the bills? You could then perhaps start to save towards your retirement.
Finally, make absolutely sure you claim for everything both financial and otherwise to help you.
Put you first, your dh can either agree to that or lose you - his choice.
If you left him you I'm assumimg the house would be sold anyway? He doesn't want to move because he is in denial and that would be admitting defeat towards his illness. But he is being incredibly selfish to you.
I wouldn't blame you if you left him. He hid loads of serious financial problems from you and still can't face reality.
He sounds like an arsehole who is using his condition to avoid having to own up to what he has done... even though he can't do anything practical to help its so ridiculously unfair for him to trash your life then just refuse to discuss it. I'm so sorry he's done this to you. If he didn't have MS then he wouldn't be able to guilt trip you into never confronting him about it.
No one could blame you for leaving him given he's hidden serious things from you! He needs to face up the reality that your working your socks off trying to keep everything afloat. A move to a bungalow sounds sensible both financially and also physically.
If reasonable discussion is not helping perhaps an ultimatum is the way to go to get him to realise you can't continue as is?
This isn't about his MS, it's about his lies and deceit, and his refusal to help you all achieve a better financial situation. You are under pressure and stress too. If he won't ever have an open and honest discussion with you about the future then how can you carry on together?
If you can't talk to him without the discussion ending up being an argument and him getting defensive, refusing to listen and digging his heels in perhaps write him a letter setting out the facts in calm, objective terms - take all emotion out of it - ask him to read it and then talk to you in an adult, reasonable manner.
He may not want to admit that his MS will limit him, that a bungalow would be better as it may seem to him that that is 'giving in' to it and an element of pride may be colouring his reactions. However, a move to an easier to manage property will improve both of your lives now and in the long term.
Sorry you're in this position, OP, I hope your dh sees sense and you can move forward but if not you must do what is best for you. Other people who may judge are not in your shoes, they are not living your life, their opinions don't matter, don't care or worry what others may think they are not offering to take your place are they?
A marriage is a partnership and 'for better or worse' does not mean you should sacrifice yourself on the altar of your dh's pride and intransigence .
Can you approach the British Legion for advice as your husband is ex forces. They may be able to pony you in the right direction re housing & finances. Good luck OP
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