HELP! 8yr old DS lost his nerve riding!

[Solo2]

8 yr old DS1 just started to learn to ride in September. DS1 is sporty, risk-taking, impulsive, active. Loved it and his twin (not at all sporty or active) tolerated it. Great! At last I'd found something both would enjoy together!

Few weeks ago, DS1 cantered for 2nd time and fell off. Hurt his hip (he's v v skinny with no cushioning fat on him) and was v v tearful and upset and terrified but instructor forced him to continue and canter again, despite his upset. I have no experience of riding but understand the general principle that if you fall off a horse you should get straight back on?

Three lessons later, today DS1 ends up with a much bigger than usual horse. Hasn't cantered since fall but had 3 lessons and been fine. Today, he couldn't fully control the big horse and it started to canter when he was supposed to just trot.

DS1 absolutely terrified, calling out in fear and sobbing loudly. Totally shamed as he never ever cries in public and there were 3 younger girls in the lesson plus his twin. Begged to stop, to give up riding altogether. I'm sitting on side, wondering what to do and instructor again tells him he HAS to carry on and has no choice and forces him to continue, all the while he's crying.

I'm torn between wanting to rush out there and scoop him up and take him home and never let him back on a horse again - and yet not wanting to humiliate him further.

He's gone from being v v keen and excited and every single night asking to ride today and begging for me to buy him a horse, to saying he doesn't want to ride again. Just got him to the point of accepting he will give it a go but he's refusing to ride a big horse or to canter - but I know we get no choice about size of horse or what they do in the lesson.

I assume people on this MN topic are experienced with horses and riding, compared to me - with no experience at all. As DS1's mother, my natural instinct is to protect my son and keep him away from both potential physical risk and public humiliation.

On the other hand, all life carries risks. DS1 was v v keen to learn to ride. DS2 is having fun - despite his ongoing general anxiety about anything risky and unpredictable in life (like me!). It's about the only sport I happily can watch, as I hate football, rugby etc etc and twins haven't had any encouragement outside school from me,to do those things and so aren't keen (I'm a single mum BTW). I'd even had a few thoughts about trying riding myself, so we could all do it together, although have some qualms as I'm a bit overweight, unfit and almost 47!

What do you all think about DS1? Would you continue to encourage and support him to ride? Is this what you should expect in riding lessons - both the risks and the attitude of instructors? Is what he's going through just normal and what everyone will go through at some point re. riding?

I'm a lifelong non-risk-taker who's never really done anything sporty since age 12. So I'm NOT of the school of thought of 'pull yourself together and stop crying!' and much much more the 'I'm here to love and protect you and cushion you for as long as I can from the pains of life'. So I'm finding this 'make a man of him' attitude quite alien. What should we do?

[Ponymum]

My god! I am so angry at this instructor! I am eager to see others' opinions as there are some professional horsey people on these threads, but in my experience this is NOT what you should expect from an instructor.

I myself had a huge confidence loss while pg with DD, and thankfully when I started riding again the instructor was sympathetic, encouraging, and always tried to build my confidence in positive ways. When you are learning (or lack confidence) feeling in control at the canter is actually a big step up from a trot. After cantering again for the first time I actually asked for just walk/trot lessons for a little while so I could work on general riding competencies before tackling the canter again, and it was fine.

If he is going to ride again I think you need a different instructor. I would suggest maybe a private lesson where you have had a really good talk to the instructor first, explained that your DS is on the point of giving up and needs a lot of encouragement, insist on a really kind easy pony, and have an objective of your DS simply feeling confident and enjoying going for a ride with no pressure.

In my opinion that is a better way to 'get back on the horse' after you have had a fright. It would be really sad if he gives up after the experience he has had, so good luck.

[Owls]

Ahh that is so sad to read. Your poor DS. And as for the instructor's attitude

I would definitely not send him back there for lessons. If he really wants to try again look for somewhere that will listen to his fears (believe me when you are on a horse and get scared it is a horrible feeling) and maybe just lead him round or put him on the lunge for a while. Is there any where else you can try or do you know anyone with a safe pony that could help out?

I really, really wouldn't send him back to that stables The instructor's attitude is insensitive and unhelpful to say the very least.

Also, if he says he really doesn't want to ride then take him at his word for now at least. No point forcing him to do something that is supposed to be an enjoyable hobby.

[Uriel]

I think, as you're paying for it, you should have some choice over what horse he rides and what he does in the lesson. Certainly in the short time, to get his confidence back.

If they won't take your concerns on board, then I would change instructor, if possible, and if not, change stables.

[Uriel]

short term, not time

[Solo2]

Wow! I didn't expect this kind of reply as I'd naively assumed that the instructor was typical of riding instructors. We have no choice about which instructor. You just get wwhoever is available on the day and time and she's always on that day and time. We have no choice about the day and time either, as this is the only beginner class with free slots on the day we can do - Saturday.

Private lessons are only available in school hols and I did let the twins have 2 of those - but again, you just had the instructor who was available at the time and on one of those 2 occasions, it was the usual one. You can try to 'choose' your pony for a lesson, a week in advance but usually you end up with whichever one is available and v v often, we've learned through bitter experience, you're disappointed. Having waited all week to get the pony they've chosen my twins have had to face disappointment when they're changed to another that they like much less at the v last moment.

I assumed all this was 'normal' and we'd begun to get used to it and also to the fact that lessons always start late and sometimes end 10 mins before the paid half hr is up. this riding centre was highly recommended to us by lots of people we know, too!

It would be difficult to change to a different stables now as I don't know of any nearer but also because DS2 - the one who started nervous and is now less so, has Asperger's traits and hates change and he's sort of settled in to this place and got used to the people's names and ponies etc etc.

I think I'll telephone and try to discuss the situation with someone more senior there. It's a v 'disorganised' place, with people rushing around and too busy to talk much but again I'd assumed this was the norm. It's v v popular and always fully booked and v busy with group lessons often using the same indoor arena, split into two, as the outside menege is flooded at the moment.

I've already booked and paid for in advance 5 more group lessons for the twins (at huge expense of course). So I guess we need to continue till that runs out.

Ideally, I'd like either private lessons at the w/e or a guaranteed different instructor, as there ARE others there who seem kind and encouraging. The instructor they usually have often turns her back on the class during the lesson (the private one included) and chats to friends on the side etc, which freaks me out, as there are little kids up there on unpredictable ponies!

I'll definitely talk to the staff/ owner and see what they say. Thank you for the ideas and opinions. This is a real eye opener to me and I thought I was just being a namby-pamby, soft-mushy Mommy, when in fact I should trust my gut feelings, more!

[Nekabu]

"DS1 absolutely terrified, calling out in fear and sobbing loudly."

For the instructor to carry on pushing after that little display beggars belief. He (the instructor) achieved nothing. He's increased your ds' fear, he's probably made the other children in the lesson get worried after they saw your ds get so scared and the horse was probably a bit upset by having a rider sobbing and crying. What a twit.

I'd have a word with the yard owner or manager. If they are so gormless that they are willing to risk two, possibly three (if you do decide to ride - and good on you if you do!) regular paying punters slip through their hands rather than sort you out with an instructor who is on your dcs' wavelength and find suitably sized ponies for them to ride, then you'd be best off finding somewhere else to ride.

If you are still concerned about ds1 being scared then perhaps give your local riding for the disabled a call, explain the situation and he may be able to go over there and ride something bombproof in an environment he would find safe and reassuring before resuming riding at your usual school.

[Solo2]

Nekabu, the instructor is female BTW and seems to have an attitude towards boys that they 'be men', whereas I've noticed her favouring the girls - who are admittedly younger - in the class and giving them loads of positive feedback.

There was one memorable lesson where I deliberately monitored the feedback as the lesson went on and it was full of, "Well done, 'Mary'! Fantastic, 'Laura' (not real names)....OK try harder 'John' PUT YOUR HEELS DOWN!" etc etc.

I've asked for a different time slot before and tried diplomatically to ask for a different instructor but this is the one who is always available when the available (to beginners) lesson is on.

The others in the class are 2 little girls aged 5 and one aged 6 and sometimes a girl of 8 or a boy of 5.

This IS the local riding for the disabled centre BTW!!!!!!!! They do classes for the attached school for the disabled too, on different days, during the week. That was really why it was recommended as good and I'd assumed they'd be particularly kind and supportive there (especially for DS2 with mild Asperger's).

I think I'll start looking for another place but first also talk to the owner there. He and wife are rarely around when we're there, however and the woman who takes the bookings, who's lovely, is probably the one we'd talk to - although she's so mega-busy that we sometimes have to wait ages even to PAY!

[Pixel]

That sounds like a terrible riding school to me, I'd find somewhere friendlier and quick!

If it was my ds I'd find somewhere that was willing to take him out on a small, bombproof pony for some walks on the leadrein and forget the lessons for now. After a few weeks of that I bet he'd be more relaxed. If it has to be lessons then I'd try and make sure he had lots more work in walk and trot so that he really feels in control before even attempting canter. Games like bending in and out of cones, even at a walk, would be good for his confidence and balance. That 'instructor' wants shooting .

[mummydoc]

I certainly think the instructor needs to look at her attitude, i am alos amazed that after only a dozen or so lessons your son is cantering off the lead. my dds ( since mid sept 09) ahve 1 private lesson per week, ride 1-2 times a week aswell and go to pony club stuff on their own ponies and dd1 who is 10 has cantered once by accident and dd2 who is 5 is still on lead rein. we have cancentrated on learing basics, control, how to stop start etc, basically how to be safe , feel in control, how to give right aids etc, just starting to trot over littel jumps and trotting poles. i would be aghast if my children were being made to canter before really being able to control their ponies. Do your boys get to hack out aswell ? this can be great fro confidence building and is more fun than goign round and round in shcool. we do loads of games when hacking out such as touch toes, touch tails, sing songs to trotting beat, emergency stops etc.all this helps the girls feel confident and in control prior to going " any faster"

[Nekabu]

Solo2 ... ah ... Don't know what I can say in those circs other than to try to have a word with the owners. From what you've said, it doesn't sound as though it would be a good idea for your ds to have another lesson with that instructor, even if he's up for it, as the confidence he has left is too precious to risk. Good luck and please let us know how you get on!

[CMOTdibbler]

I'm no expert, as am only just learning to ride myself (along with DS, 3.5), but it sounds awful tbh. I had a bit of a nervous wobble the other week out hacking, and my instructor has been fab on consolidating my confidence and finding ways to get it working for me. Their teaching is very tailored to the individual, and the number of children with assorted special needs bears out their adaptability to the person.

I'd look round for somewhere else - somewhere smaller and less busy probably

[spiderlight]

I'd definitely look for a new riding centre - that instructor sounds terrible and it sounds as thoough he was put on a completely unsuitable pony today. No wonder he's so upset

[RatherBeOnThePiste]

Talk to someone in overall charge before you try again - very poor on the stables part. Is the instructor less experienced maybe?

When DD fell and we thought had broken her arm,( but fortunately not) our stables were very sensitive about her the next time she went, but that was probably down to her instructor mostly.

He needs confidence boosting sessions to get his enthusiasm and love for horses back.

[MitchyInge]

ah could cry reading this poor boy, that is a disgusting way to treat anyone, let alone a child

have never been at a riding school where you can't request a favourite pony, not that where appropriate there isn't encouragement to ride something bigger or more challenging when you might prefer not to. I hope you find somewhere better soon, and he can take his time and rebuild his confidence. Maybe he could do some stable management sessions somewhere, so he feels happier and more in control being around horses, or even go on a lead rein (walk out maybe?) for a few minutes here and there?

my 10yo went through a phase of not wanting to ride after her favourite pony galloped off with her last winter, so I didn't push it, although she hung around me at the yard and gradually the urge crept back so she walked and trotted on gentler ponies - within a few months she is happily bombing around on the lunatics liveliest youngsters, she is not a naturally confident or risk-taking type

[Southwestwhippet]

Agree with all those saying change instructor. I am a riding instructor myself and I am shocked at her insensitivity and lack of compassion for your DS.

Yes children fall off, yes children should be strongly encouraged to get back on BUT... they should be given the time and space to get their confidence back after a fall, should be praised and rewarded for being 'brave enough to get back on' and should not be forced to do the thing that caused the fall again until they feel ready. So if they fall off having a canter, especially when they are learning to canter, they should be allowed to take a few steps back and not canter for a couple of weeks until they feel confident again. Otherwise you end up with terrified LOs who are much more likely to fall off because they are so tense and scared. .

Putting your LO on a horse that was too big and strong for him just a couple of weeks after his first fall is bloody stupid and totally irresponsible IMO. Children who have had a fall always get the best ponies for the next few weeks in my lessons before they are encouraged to try the more challenging horses.

Falling off is a natural part of riding, it happens to everyone. However with younger riders, it needs to be handled with the right balance of calm acceptance, sympathy and understanding in addition to lots of encouragement and reassurance. It does not sound as if this happened to your DS, it would be a shame if he lost all his enthusiasm for something he obviously really loved because of one crap teacher. JMO

[MitchyInge]

re-reading your posts solo and am at instructor turning her back on a group lesson at any point for any length of time

think it is v important to raise this with the owners, this combined with nervous children on ponies too big, strong makes my tummy flutter

can't help feeling you should try to get your money back and go elsewhere if they can't/won't help you - sad for your other son though

[frostyfingers]

That's such a shame, you've had loads of good advice and I hope your DS1 has another go.

A friend of mine's child had a similar incident in that she fell off, hurt and frightened herself and was really keen to give up. Her instructor wasn't as bad as yours, but was quite firm about child getting back on and not "being so silly".

I have a 12.2 who is brilliant on lead rein so child came to me, and we ambled about fields with her mum, no instruction, just a gentle hack around on about 3 occasions and she is now back at lessons having just had a little time out, and some fun rather than non stop instruction.

It does sound difficult for you, but if you could do that somewhere it might help his confidence and realise that he doesn't have to be frightened. Good luck, boys are generally more nervous I think - certainly mine have been (none ride now, hence underused pony) so they need more gentle encouragement.

[Solo2]

Thank you very very much for all this support, everyone . I've just plucked up courage (I HATE doing these things) and phoned the riding school and spoken to one of the two owners.

I explained what had gone on. She didn't/wouldn't say anything directly negative about her instructor, but did in any case say that this one didn't want to teach on Saturdays anyway anymore. She's rearranged their lesson to be a semi-prvate one, instead of a group one (we didn't get clear about whether I'm supposed to pay the difference and I was too much of a wimp to clarify that this should be free gratis really....)

But anyway, she explained that my twins had been put on much bigger ponies (horses?) last time because they were less 'bouncy' than the smaller ones. So DS1 should have been less likely to fall off....None of this really answered my real complaint: that DS1 was made to feel ashamed and humiliated, as he was forced to trot and canter around, when he specifically begged to stop, whilst crying loudly. I did repeat this complaint again and again and said it had made him fearful and certainly not 'made a man of him' but had a completely negative effect.

Again, she just didn't take up on this at all . She mentioned her own two sons - one who is also 8 - but who she said was NOT sensitive but her older son is. It was as if she were trying to say, in a roundabout way, that SOME boys can't take this strict attitude - without being v sympathetic though.

She said she'd take their next lesson herself and I prompted her again and again that DSS need LOADS of confidence boosting for ages and are NOT to be made to canter until they're ready for this.

She's deliberately putting DS1 on the other big horse, but she says this is a v v placid, non-bouncy one . DS2 had him last time and was OK and DS2 was originally my v anxious child.

I'm in two minds now. On the one hand, if the other instructor wouldn't be taking them anyway, then that's potentially good, as we've had a couple of one-offs with 2 other really nice and supportive staff. On the other hand, the twins had a one-off with this owner before and found her strictest of all!!

I hope that by me making the complaint directly to her, that she'll be extra gentle and kind with them on Saturday. As I remember, she was also much more clear about what the twins should be doing than the dreadful instructor has been. So that's good...at least I hope so.

The awful instructor, blamed DS1 the time he fell off, for not holding on to the saddle whilst cantering but she hadn't made it clear enough that this is what he should be doing and had simply reeled off a series of complicated instructions, at speed. He's only 8 and has limited attention at the best of times and DS2 needs really, really CLEAR and slow, step-by-step instructions for anything he's told to do.

So I'm going to see how it goes one more time, with a different instructor and a lesson with just the twins in it....Interesting that her most emphatic response was for the twins to have a semi-private and therefore more expensive lesson....could she just be motivated by the money more than anything??

Meanwhile, I've also been searching the web for other riding schools too, especially ones where you can hack out, which sounds great fun. Unfortunately, two really good sounding ones are really much too far away. the one we already go to is a 40 min drive away. There's another one much nearer to us but someone had warned me off that, ages ago and there's yet another fairly near too but I know nothing about it and it looks v large.

The one thing that's clear is that the school they go to costs less than the others (£36.00 for both sons, in a group half hr lesson or £42.00 total for a semi-private one). Other riding schools seems to charge more like £50.00 per person for half hr semi-private lessons. Can anyone tell me what's the going rate in the south-east of England?

It's been a real eye-opener getting feedback from all of you,a s I'm so new to the world of horses and riding.

I'll let you kinow how it goes

[MitchyInge]

oh well done - sounds like all is not totally lost, do you think it might be worth visiting the one you were warned about?

slight at holding on to saddle when cantering, wonder if he should be cantering off lead rein/lunge at all but maybe someone else can enlighten - it might be normal and I just can't remember, suppose is better for horse than using reins for balance

we have it good £££wise in east anglia I think, private lessons are about £35 an hour or £21.50 for half an hour - there are some threads comparing lesson prices here somewhere. have to admit horses generally are mildly depressingly expensive hobbies!

[Pixel]

I don't think holding on to the saddle makes you very secure anyway, at least it doesn't with me. A neck strap or handful of mane is much more effective I find, as it keeps you in tune with the movement of the horse and less likely to topple off!

I don't know a lot about the riding schools round here as I have a freelance instructor, but this is the pricelist of a school I used to go to years ago. It's near Brighton.
Gawd, I used to pay £14 for a lesson there, shows how long ago it was!

[Alicehasamincepieintheoven]

Solo - i have just read this thread and i want to say how sorry i am for your son. It has been handled in completely the wrong way.

I do agree that children (or adults) should get back on again asap but the instructor should ask them if they want to, and to find out what they are scared of and try their best to dispel their fears.

I have worked in riding schools and i truly believe that group lessons should only be available to those who have at least started to canter. It is a difficult one because group lessons make riding more affordable, but you don't learn as quickly when there are 6 of you. Problems get overlooked, and it is impossible for the instructor to keep an eye on 6 beginner riders and 6 ponies at the same time.

Some places do 'walks' with is literally 15mins walk round the block on the leid rein where the instructor (or most likely trainee instructor) can chat away to the child and it can help them relax.

I loved teaching individuals but i found groups very stressful because i didn't feel everyone was getting their fair share iyswim?

I really hope it works out for your boys

[Alicehasamincepieintheoven]

Sorry for typos, get a bit carried away

Meant to add, check out these other riding schools, see if they are BHS (or ABRS is the other one) approved. Phone up, tell them you are interested in changing centres because of lack of confidence etc and ask if you could come for a visit. If they are any good they should be more than obliging.

Whereabouts in SE are you? County?

[MitchyInge]

(hijack alert: alice do you have any ideas about teaching pony NOT to climb over stable door?)

[Alicehasamincepieintheoven]

Shut the top door

[MitchyInge]

eeeeek!