Things not to say to pupils (alternate title: 'please floor, swallow me up')

(113 Posts)

[Collecting books at the end of the lesson]

Year 11 'hottie': "Oh, I've got Hamlet as well miss. Do you want that too?"

Me: "I'll take whatever you're offering"

The rest of Year 11: "Snigger"

Please reassure me that someone's said something more inappropriate to a pupil and wanted the ground to swallow them up blush

Oops!

I told a pupil to 'swivel' once, as in turn themselves around. It seems it had another meaning too, as they thought it was hilarious. smile It's rude...

melonribena Thu 28-Feb-13 20:55:21

A student on a teaching practise in my class of Year 2 children was doing a maths lesson that I was observing.
She made a simple mistake in a calculation and said loudly 'oh bugger' to the children sitting on the carpet infront of her!

The children all looked shocked but didn't speak, they just collectively turned round to look at me at the back of the room.

I wasn't sure whether to tell her off or what to do! I can remember muttering something about words slipping out and how the children were too sensible to repeat the word!

She was mortified and learnt a valuable lesson!

Alternative, not alternate.

I also once gave an extract of To Kill a Mockingbird to a class with all the verbs removed for them to write their own version. My word, that class had filthy minds!

Jacksterbear Thu 28-Feb-13 21:05:00

Mine are post-grad level students.

Me (having just asked students to swap their work with the person next to them, turning to a table with 3 students on it): "have you guys done a three-way?"

Realised what I'd said about a second later...

Coconutty Thu 28-Feb-13 21:05:19

I told one of the year 10s to pull his trousers up. I said, I can see your pants, would you like to see my knickers?

Went very quiet in the room then.

Oh, sorry, did I stray into Pedants Corner? hmm

Although, I still maintain that my title is correct (or at least, isn't incorrect. Alternative would also be right). Am I not using 'alternate' as an ajective there? In which case, it's fine.

TwllBach Thu 28-Feb-13 21:10:53

Today I covered a PE lesson. We had to substitute equipment we needed with other stuff that was available. I needed to demonstrate. So I said the following, to a male heavy class of year six -

"Male Pupil A, hold up the rackets.
Male Pupil B, hold up your balls."

<dies a little>

I also asked a year four boy to fill in my gap. It was just me that thought I was a twat that time, though.

Studying 'Blackberry-Picking' by Seamus Heaney with bottom set all-boy Year 11, I tried to get them to understand the simile 'our palms sticky as Bluebeard's' with a breezy 'come on, boys, what else makes your palms sticky?'

WHAT WAS I THINKING???

Jacksterbear Thu 28-Feb-13 21:14:47

Ooh interesting. I think, used as an adjective, as here, alternate is actually better.

Jacksterbear Thu 28-Feb-13 21:16:17

Pmsl @ sticky palms and hold up your balls!

dogsagoodun Thu 28-Feb-13 21:18:10

I was once reminding year seven about paragraphs. I was using the acronym tiptop to help them to remember when to start a new paragraph. I wrote it on the board in foot high letters and missed out the first p. I realised but froze momentarily before rectifying my mistake. At that precise moment my HOD walked in to see the word Tit written in quite large letters on my board!

candr Thu 28-Feb-13 21:19:03

Love these! At my mum's school pupils had to meet with Roger the careers advice bloke and my mum used to ask pupils if they 'had been Rogered yet' She had no idea what she was saying (and was the head teacher) I had to explain why they kept pissing themslves laughing.

melonribena Thu 28-Feb-13 21:25:13

My colleague loudly announced to her year 6 class that their new book was called 'mr twat' (not mr twit!)

Every time I now read that book to the class I am scared of reading it wrong!

TwllBach Thu 28-Feb-13 21:25:14

Loooooooooove "have you been Rogered yet?"

That is amazing grin

RustyBear Thu 28-Feb-13 21:25:43

DS told me about his English teacher to an all-male class - I think it was in Year 11- talking about a classmate's writing. She wanted to use a 'dog with a bone' metaphor about how he had emphasised a certain theme in a piece of work. Unfortunately it came out 'Colin's not only got hold of his bone, he's really shaking it about....'

IAmLouisWalsh Thu 28-Feb-13 21:27:20

My old English teacher once thought he had a class fully engaged in A Midsummer Night's Dream because they were laughing at the jokes.

They weren't. But Bottom and Titania had been abbreviated to Bot and Tit, which was very, very, very funny.

tethersend Thu 28-Feb-13 21:31:42

In my whole career, I have only ever sworn in front of the students once- I was an art teacher, and at the end of a year 9 drawing lesson I asked a few kids to show their drawings. My response to one of the drawings? "That's fucking brilliant!" It just slipped out. Naturally, I apologised profusely.

It was fucking brilliant, though.

I am actually laughing out loud.

Palms sticky... three way... shaking the bone about... (and all the others)

Chuckle grin

And I almost didn't reopen the thread in case a load of pedants had snuck on, so am delighted to discover my adjective theory may actually be right!

baw70 Thu 28-Feb-13 21:34:53

When I taught in a rural school, the Yr 6 boys were asked to help herd some sheep back into the field, that had escaped onto the yard. They were gone for ages and when they cam back I asked one of them "Where on earth have you been?" meaning what took so long? He answered "I've been chasing sheep" at which point, god only knows why, I said "Ha, couldn't get a girlfriend could you?". So inappropriate, but luckily it passed over his head, not so one very knowing girl in the class who nearly laughed herself sick.

Hahahah.

Thank you. I can face Year 11 again now.

balroymum Thu 28-Feb-13 21:39:50

I recently misread a line in Mockingbird. Got my tongue in a twist over the "shoot all the bluejays you like." I got the b and the j the wrong way round and it came out "shoot all the jews..." eek. Class were scared to laugh at first!

sassytheFIRST Thu 28-Feb-13 21:45:27

Oops!

Remember the time I tried to tell a naughty year 10 class to "stop acting like a bunch of twits" - except I might have said something slightly different?! Happens to us all.

Hope it's going ok.

[waves at Sassy] Apart from the unintentional inuendoes, it's going brilliantly. I'm almost scared to tell you just how much I love it.

HeavenlyAmy Thu 28-Feb-13 22:01:16

Snort at 'rogered' grin

sassytheFIRST Thu 28-Feb-13 22:02:31

Good, I'm glad smile

lpy101 Thu 28-Feb-13 22:08:07

A student teacher, who was teaching reproduction to my year 7s asked them to draw a cartoon strip of 'the process'!!

She meant the journey of a sperm....

We got some very interesting pieces of work back!!!

AViewfromtheFridge Thu 28-Feb-13 22:10:36

I was going round getting answers from a Year 9 class and cheerfully said "Lewis, can you give me one?"

Also have said Lab Sex instead of Lab Six a couple of times.

And, this is really embarrassing. Was reading Skellig, got to the bit where they list all the birds they see. Got to "tits," at which point I got the giggles and the entire class just looked at me, slightly pityingly.

roughtyping Thu 28-Feb-13 22:17:07

I have, more than once, gone to say 'light' then changed to 'shine' at the last minute and come dangerously close to saying 'shite'.

roughtyping Thu 28-Feb-13 22:19:36

Have also said, very loudly, "Boys, STOP BOUNCING YOUR BALLS."

Gaaaah <dies inside>

BOF Thu 28-Feb-13 22:23:51

As a young man, DP was teaching art to kids of about 11 at Camp America. In the first session, he wondered why they fell about when he said "I hope you've all remembered your rubbers, because you'll be needing them for this class!"

He was genuinely baffled at the response.

Jacksterbear Thu 28-Feb-13 22:26:08

Just remembered I once missed out the "l" when writing "public" on the whiteboard. And I think I too have written "tits" by mistake, dogsagoodun.

Aview, yep I'm always asking my students to give me one! grin

almapudden Thu 28-Feb-13 22:47:24

I was talking very volubly and enthusiastically to a group of sixth fornerd once, when I got overexcited and described something as 'fucking tragic'.

Luckily I got on with them brilliantly and they found it hilarious, so no harm done. It did make me careful not to get carried away, though!

I also told two year 8 boys who were talking during a lesson to stop flirting with each other. Cue general mirth anf derailment of the lesson for the next five minutes...

I've tried the 'stop flirting' line too. Never works unfortunately.

Rowlers Thu 28-Feb-13 23:00:36

Have prob said loads of daft things but recently tried to draw a pic of a sofa on the board which somehow ended up looking like a massive cock. God knows how i managed that.

picklepepper Thu 28-Feb-13 23:13:08

When trying to explain how to play a paper (subject specific) version of battleships to year 9, I got all tongue tied with saying "ships" so many times in a sentence and I said "so you should have six shits in total"....they didn't hesitate in falling about laughing, and still now, someone will occasionally say "how many in total miss?" hmm grin

lisad123everybodydancenow Thu 28-Feb-13 23:22:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stargirl1701 Thu 28-Feb-13 23:24:43

The PE teacher asked my P7 class to pop the basketballs into the wall bars to keep them out of the way.

She said, 'Jam your balls between the bars.'

Much sniggering gringrin

Schooldidi Thu 28-Feb-13 23:35:11

I have written P155 a few times on the board and had no idea why the class was sniggering. I now always write Page rather than just P.

One of the exercises in the textbook we use has a very unfortunate diagram when we are looking at areas of shapes made with circles. It looks just like a cock in the middle of the page shock I have to find alternate textbooks/worksheets to teach that topic.

BOF Fri 01-Mar-13 13:28:10

I love these stories- any more?

greenandcabbagelooking Fri 01-Mar-13 13:33:14

My friend told a dance class to take off their clothes. She forgot to insert the key word of "outdoor" into the sentence. And then failed to understand why I was wetting myself laughing.

I was running a forest school session with a bunch of preschoolers and a male parent helper (a Dad).

We were talking about differerent animals that live in the woods. I loudly announced "wait till we get back to preschool and I'll show you my badger".

Cue parent helper doing much sniggering and me going very red.

" Rowlers

Have prob said loads of daft things but recently tried to draw a pic of a sofa on the board which somehow ended up looking like a massive cock."

It's the little things that amuse me. I can picture you desperately trying to make it look less like a cock and more like a sofa: maybe a couple of cushions at one end will help? Oh bugger...

I once drew a pulley system on the board during a mechanics lesson. The weights were equal lengths from the circle at the top of the pulley, and were also circular.

I then realised what I'd drawn when the class lost it!

I once drew a pulley system on the board during a mechanics lesson. The weights were equal lengths from the circle at the top of the pulley, and were also circular.

I then realised what I'd drawn when the class lost it!

tabulahrasa Fri 01-Mar-13 16:26:00

Observing a teacher who told a class of S2s (13 -14 year olds) that they could teabag a piece of work to make it look older was fairly interesting, half the class were giggling away and the other half and the teacher just looked completely confused by the sudden merriment.

More disruptive - but not quite as rude, I once told a boy off for fiddling with a girl's hair when she was telling him not to by saying - you shouldn't be touching girls when they object...I lost a good five minutes of teaching time as he went shock Touching!!! What?????

Jacksterbear Fri 01-Mar-13 16:29:05

<snort> at sofa cock, badger and teabagging!

ravenAK Fri 01-Mar-13 16:34:22

Analysing text messages with top set year 10, for Spoken Language Controlled Assessment:

Me: 'So we've got the line "comin on cod later". Obviously, you lot all know your teenage sociolect, so you know it's Call of Duty, but being an old git, I might misunderstand it mightn't I?'

Boy #1: 'Yeah! You might think it meant doing something dirty with a fish!'

Boy #2: 'Yeah! Miss, you know when you said Michael Gove looks like a cross between a fish & a penis...'

Me: 'I said that? What, out loud? In front of you lot?' blush

chocolateshoes Fri 01-Mar-13 16:37:05

nothing to contribute but just wanted to say that this thread has really cheered me up. Thank you!

HankChief Fri 01-Mar-13 16:40:13

I was teaching a sex education lesson to my class of 11 year olds and part of the DVD they were watching had the song "I wanna have sex on the beach" on in the background (it was a pretty old DVD!). At the end of the lesson I did an Ask it Basket activity where they all had to write an anonymous question about anything they'd seen, for me to answer. One pupil asked the question "Do you like the song 'I wanna have sex on the beach?'" (not really the type of question I was expecting but...). I read out the question and answered it by saying "It reminds me of when I was 18..." cue 26 11 year olds wetting themselves laughing.

I was going to finish the sentence by saying because that's how old I was when it came out but I never got the chance blush. I was also 7 and a half months pregnant at the time of the lessons, so I spent a lot of time during those lessons blushing profusely!

Mynewmoniker Fri 01-Mar-13 16:44:07

Got really irritated by kid and took him outside the classroom to ask, "Why are you being so bloody rude?!" blush....I think it was my PMT week.

Oh this thread's brilliant! Good to hear you're doing well Truth smile

LadyInPink Fri 01-Mar-13 17:00:18

Ooooh dogsagoodun what is the acronym for tiptop in reference to paragraphs? Would love to know, as it will hopefully help DD to remember.

Am loving this thread grin

CunfuddledAlways Fri 01-Mar-13 17:04:46

this has cheared my rubbish day up

one of our teachers once told the lads to stand ock straight against the wall, think their was a language difference but it was so funny at the time, still snigger now grin

LittleBoxes Fri 01-Mar-13 17:10:01

Not a teacher, but I was rigid with suppressed laughter at the parents' curriculum evening last year, when the Y1 teacher was explaining the school's approach to phonics in front of a classroom full of parents.

'You see, a child might think "come" is spelt like this', she chirped, writing 'CUM' on the board in huge letters.

I caught the eye of one of the other mums (who is obviously as immature as I am) and that was me gone for the rest of the evening.

Teddimac Fri 01-Mar-13 17:23:05

Have snorted at most of these! I'm not a teacher, but was volunteering at my DC's school doing group reading the other day. The word 'garments' came up, which caused general puzzlement (the context wasn't very clear) - when I asked if anyone knew what it meant, one little girl hesitantly whispered 'boobs?'. 'Not quite' I replied, trying to control tears of laughter and desperately hoping none of the other kids had heard her. No joy; helpful little boy sitting next to me piped up 'I think she means tits, miss!' grin

Teddimac Fri 01-Mar-13 17:27:57

LittleBoxes, I would have been roaring, that must have been torture!

notnowImreading Fri 01-Mar-13 17:43:09

I was teaching act 1 scene 1 of Romeo and Juliet to a year 9 class and we were playing innuendo bingo. Every time the characters mention swords or say 'thrust' etc. the pupils had to hold their hands in the air about 10 inches apart and sing 'I've got a big knob' (like Colin Frizzel in Love Actually). It's a trick I picked up from a visiting theatre group and is hilarious for me a genuinely good learning opportunity for discussing language and humour and text in performance.

Of course, at the moment when I was setting up the task and demonstrating what they had to do, another teacher from the department walked in with three disruptive year 11 boys she wanted me to discipline. I have to say, it wasn't the easiest telling off of my career.

sassytheFIRST Fri 01-Mar-13 17:50:28

Loving the big knob game - might use a version of that for act 3 sc 1 next week...

On a more boring note - Tiptop is
Change paragraph when there is a change of
Time
Place
Topic
Person speaking .

Another English teacher loving the big nob game - but I have sworn to never, ever teach R&J again, as it bores me to tears.

notnowImreading Fri 01-Mar-13 17:52:10

Male sure you trust your class!

LaPantsMacabre Fri 01-Mar-13 17:52:58

I refuse to believe the juxtaposition of Sack, Back and Crack in DS2s Yr2 quick start spellings was an accident....i too locked eyes with a fellow mum and stifled my giggles.

AViewfromtheFridge Fri 01-Mar-13 18:06:36

I've thought of another one - we were having work done so my workstation was facing away from the class. I had to keep turning round and complained: "Ooh, it's a pain! My neck, my back..."

There was a stunned silence as we all finished off the song in our heads and looked at each other in horror.

Raven, that's exactly what Michael Gove looks like! How observant!

Euphemia Fri 01-Mar-13 18:21:05

All of us struggled with Laiba's name for the first few weeks of term ... confused

blueemerald Fri 01-Mar-13 18:23:23

A history trainee teacher with me at my last school wrote King Cunt on the board rather than Cnut. Luckily she was writing another sentence and the Year 7 (!!) sitting nearest her whispered urgently "miss..you..spelling" before anyone else noticed!

PatTheHammer Fri 01-Mar-13 18:49:23

Teaching Science is riddled with little traps. Drawing an oxygen molecule a certain way looks like a pair of cartoon tits, drawing a test tube upside down looks like a cock. Close up images of stomata......use your imagination. And don't get me started on plant hormone diagrams.

Also the poor students who misread 'organism' nearly every time.
We usually have a bloody good laugh at some innuendo, intentional or not, most lessons.

Probably best when teaching food webs not to say 'So what would be a consequence if all the Great Tits died out'......... Got rid of that food web pretty sharpish.

Twink Fri 01-Mar-13 19:39:14

This has made me feel so much better about some of the stuff that's fallen out of my mouth. One of the worst was while berating a y9 lad after he'd been sent out, 'will you please stop being such a dickhead' came out instead of dimwit...

Most of my embarrassment is self-inflicted, like the day I took my sweater off, forgetting my T-shirt was emblazoned 'Threesome?' It was a triathlon shirt with pictures of swimming, biking & running but they ignored that bit... 'Miss, should you be wearing that in school?' Err no...

In my GCSE textbook (RE) the sex outside marriage section is on page 69. Someone at AQA didn't think it through...

Made myself a cup of tea in our office and was wandering over to the bin,which was right by the open door, with the used tea bag on a spoon.

As I got there, a great hulking y11 lad dived past me to grab a football.

"Careful!" I exclaimed," I nearly tea bagged you!"

He looked at me to see if I understood what I'd said and rather than feigning ignorance , I went puce and burst out laughing. As did the rest of the football team.

I also accidentally drew cocks all over my whiteboard during a lesson. (It was supposed to be a meaningless squiggle but from a distance, they were cocks) It was during the first lesson with new year seven and I only realised when I saw they were all looking slightly shocked and a bit giggly.

Oh my! We made it into the talk round up. I dint think I've ever been in it before. I'm so relieved it's not just me who suffers from inappropriatitis - and very glad to be learning some lesson ideas at the same time. Now, where can I fit big nobs in...?

ChristineDaae Fri 01-Mar-13 20:05:06

Oh I love this thread!! DP thinks iv lost it sat here crying with laughter!

motherinferior Fri 01-Mar-13 20:17:44

Please tell me that double entendre was deliberate, ATruth.

I do hope some of you teach my daughters.

What IS teabagging? Dare I even ask?

TwllBach Fri 01-Mar-13 20:23:56

I've been quoted in the round up <squee>

First.
Time.
Ever.

CabbageLooking Fri 01-Mar-13 20:25:41

Teaching an all-boy Yr11 History class. They had been messing around all lesson and it was nearly exam time. I saw one of them had drawn a huge penis on a piece of paper and I completely lost my temper. I went into a very long, furious and (if I say so myself) very effective rant about how they were wasting their time and would never amount to anything if they didn't shape up. They were all looking utterly shame-faced until I completed my diatribe with the immortal words: "and all you lot can do is play about with your paper genitalia". Funnily enough none of them could keep a straight face after that. Neither could I to be fair.

No, that one was deliberate motherinferior

grin

sausagesandwich34 Fri 01-Mar-13 20:31:12

When I was in year 9 we were having a sex ed class and mr geography was teaching us

He came in saying he wanted us to talk frankly but understood it was difficult and was trying to put us at ease

He told us that he found it difficult too, especially anal sex, so he had been practising anal sex with mr music teacher in the staff room!

Queue lots of laughter and the teacher going bright red and leaving the room -poor man!

Years ago I had a lovely but very camp boy in my Yr 9 class. He strutted into class one day saying, 'Well I don't know what all the fuss is about anyway with fellatio (pronounced Fell - ATT - ee - o). I just yawned and said, 'I agree. Besides, everyone knows that oral sex just means talking about it.' Cue him looking utterly flabbergasted and then asking in a teeny little voice, 'DOES it, miss? I thought it was something else.'

Wouldn't dare say anything like that now though...

Phineyj Fri 01-Mar-13 22:16:36

I had to look it up too Remus blush

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teabagging

I got quoted in the roundup! Why am I this excited?!!

SausageSmuggler Fri 01-Mar-13 22:44:34

When I worked in a sixth form college, I had a girl in my office and I tried to reach for some paperwork to give her. While doing this, I was muttering to myself 'if I can get it' but somehow she heard it as 'fuck it'. She collapsed into a fit of giggles and for a few seconds I was completely non-plussed but then it twigged. As she went out the office I shouted out 'I did not swear!' I don't think she believed me though.

I've also told some y4 boys to hold onto their balls but luckily that seemed to go over their heads.

ProPerformer Fri 01-Mar-13 22:47:22

Im a TA and have had loads!
One of my worst ones was when talking to a year 10 boy at the end of a lesson about which teachers he liked and didn't like. I was trying really hard to give appropriate agreements about the 'good' teachers and disagreements about the bad until it got to:

Boy: People keep saying Miss X is a rubbish teacher.
Me: Oh I'm sure she isn't.
Boy: Dunno, wish I was in her class though.
Me: Why's that?
Boy: Cos she's f*cking hot ain't she miss.
Me: Oh god yes!
Boy: shock
Me: Damn!

grin (I'm bi and 'Miss X is rather lush! blush )

notnowImreading Sat 02-Mar-13 09:21:44

I've remembered another one, although this wasn't me but a very serious, very strict, very academic teacher in my department - the kind of teacher you can only ever give the top set because pupils aiming for anything less than a B are baffled.

Moderating GCSE literature controlled assessments, I was reading her written comments in the margin. She has fairly indecipherable handwriting anyway and tends to use a lot of abbreviations. The pupil had good understanding but close analysis of language was lacking. The teacher had written 'more anal please' over and over again down the margin. grin

MrsBucketxx Sat 02-Mar-13 09:25:09

I'm I the only one thinking calling a year 11 pupil a "hottie" wrong.

it wouldn't be accepted the other would it?

tabulahrasa Sat 02-Mar-13 09:32:18

I assumed that the inverted commas were being used as quotation marks showing that he was the class hottie as judged by them, which is why the class found it amusing, not that the OP thought he was sexually attractive.

MrsBucketxx Sat 02-Mar-13 09:35:26

it didn't read like that to me ...

AlfieandAnnieRose Sat 02-Mar-13 09:41:00

I was going to say the same thing tabulahrasa as that's how I read it too.
Anyway, very funny thread this! Loving the stories.

nightswimmer Sat 02-Mar-13 09:42:00

no mrsbucket it was meant like tabuahrasa said.....don't look for things to get prudish about now!

catsrus Sat 02-Mar-13 09:54:21

I was a young teacher back in the 70's, working in a girl's convent school. One of the nuns asked me to read this story at assembly. A moral tale of the effects of being nice to people vs being nasty.

As the whole school began to titter and the staff on stage turned puce with the effort of trying not to laugh I realised I was saying it was better to get a 'warm fuzzy' than a 'cold prickly'. Knowing no better I carried on as the room dissolved around me and the elderly nun hadn't got a clue why...

As a student teacher I was talking a group of yr7s through the story board of cell division.

Unfortunately the class realised before me that my dividing cell drawn neatly on the whiteboard looked just like a large pair breasts...complete with nipples...

Thank you tabulahrasa; that is exactly what I meant. Sorry if you misunderstood MrsBucketxx; I certainly wasn't suggesting I was attracted to any pupils hmm

crazypaving Sat 02-Mar-13 13:36:14

good lord I must not read threads like this whilst holding a sleeping baby...

GW297 Sat 02-Mar-13 14:04:24

This is hilarious, especially the tea bag ones!

EduCated Sat 02-Mar-13 14:07:00

Bloody hell, catsrus, that story is absolutely bizarre!

startwig1982 Sat 02-Mar-13 17:03:43

I managed to say to one of my year 10 'I don't mind it either way' to which one of the wittier, dirty minded girls replied, 'I'm sure you do, Miss'. blush

Cue much hilarity and chaos.

candr Sat 02-Mar-13 21:41:30

Love these, have sat pmsl with DH, wish I could think of some I have said but think I may have hidden them in deep corner of brain.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 02-Mar-13 22:03:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lecce Sat 02-Mar-13 22:36:42

I was collecting in books and had been working my way from the front of the (Yr11) class to the back. I missed a row as there was only one lad on it and, when he alerted me to this, I chirped breezily, "Oh, it's ok, Ryan, I'll take it from behind!" shock

Much sniggering from everyone and poor old Ryan looked mortified!

Nellymay Sun 03-Mar-13 23:34:55

I asked my y10 boys if they got any queries

also at a multi agency meeting to discuss a y9 boys poor behaviour with his mother the boys head of year starts on about him being caught simulating masturbation in a lesson and his mum joins it at this point by saying very loudly to her son "DID YOU AV A BONE ON? YOU'RE DISGUSTING" We tried to steer the meeting into calmer waters at this point.....

GW297 Wed 06-Mar-13 21:58:59

I don't know if this is the right place to post this but one of the children asked me today who the first man on the moon was. My reply? It was Lance Armstrong... No wait - that doesn't sound right! Ask me again!

JesusInTheCabbageVan Fri 08-Mar-13 10:23:20

Well, I haven't spotted my mum on this thread (music teacher) so I'll tell hers. Her year 8 class were discussing crisps and asked what her favourite flavour was. Trying to be a bit slangy and 'street' she announced "I LOVE prawny cocks!"

On another occasion my younger sister was being very fussy and high maintenance on some issue, and my mum tried to think of a way to draw a comparison with "The Princess and the Pea" Eventually she sputtered "Oh well FINE, Princess Penis!" (As in Royal Highness - Princess Pea - Princess Pea-ness.) Only my mum manages things like this.

cardibach Sun 10-Mar-13 19:20:04

I have a Skellig one, too. My class had been given e section of the novel to prepare for reading aloud. One fo the girls had the list of birds with 'tits' in it and was a bit worried. Another had a bit about slurping. I said she shouldn't worry as 'Keira has got tits' blush
My BIology teacher when I was in sixth form came into our lesson from a Y10 class saying she couldn't go back. SHe had just been explaining about a faulty batch of condoms which had holes in them. SHe had told them they were all full of little pricks...

deleted203 Tue 12-Mar-13 21:41:18

I've said many hideous things over the years (most of which I've blanked from my memory) but today managed to say to a couple of Y11 lads who were discussing an absent pupil, 'Yeah - I'd 'do' Paul'. blush.

They looked stunned and I said, 'I think I'll rephrase that' and then couldn't even think what it was I had intended to say...except that it was something along the lines of 'I would have done the same'. (They were discussing the fact that he'd been given a sanction).

(I am middle aged - and would NOT like to 'do' Paul, may I add!)

Schooldidi Wed 13-Mar-13 15:52:15

Year 8 this afternoon, low ability maths group.

Pupil: How long is an inch?
Me: About this long (holding my fingers about an inch apart)
Pupil: So how long is 6 inches? About this long? (holding his hands about a foot apart)
Me: No, about the length of those little rulers
Pupil: That's really tiny though!
Me: Depends what you're measuring.

Cue half the class descending into giggles at the thought of what I was thinking about measuring, the other half didn't have a clue what they found so funny.

Nothing to share but loving the thread.

complexnumber Wed 13-Mar-13 19:04:19

I was covering a lesson in a grim W. London comp. It was raining outside when I asked the class into the portakabin that was the classroom.

Me: Anne, can you take your coat off please...

No reaction

Me: ANNE, please take your coat off!

Still no reaction

Me: ANNE, CAN WE HAVE IT OFF PLEASE!

me: please calm down class

kitchenidiots Fri 15-Mar-13 19:53:55

Whilst reading out loud to my year 5's, instead of saying "In the centre of the town stood a giant clock...", it appeared that there was a large 'cock' there instead. They didn't notice, but I certainly did!

One I didn't get away with so easily was when a group of year 8 boys were discussing where a certain other boy was when I was trying to get through the register. (I still can't believe I ACTUALLY said this): "Come on there's no need to have a mass debate." I have NEVER lived it down.

Jacksterbear Fri 15-Mar-13 20:01:56

Hahahaha at "mass debate"!

Loving that this thread is still going!

AmIGoingMad Sat 16-Mar-13 23:55:42

These are hysterical ! I'm crying laughing!grin

Schooldidi Tue 19-Mar-13 15:33:05

I have just had a truly mortifying lesson with year 11. I put up a question we were going to solve using Pythagoras Theorem in 3D. I found it from a past exam paper.

Larry put's his wand in a box. (picture of the box, with dimensions)
His wand only just fits into the box.
How long is Larry's wand?

How did I not realise that year 11 would find some of that dirty? They started off with slight sniggers, then quickly descended into hysterics, with an awful lot of double entendres and insinuations flying around the room. We did manage to finish the example but the insinuations began again once we discovered that Larry's wand is in fact 25cm. Some of the boys felt rather inadequate I think.

grin

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