Things you never expected to say as a teacher

[SuffolkNWhat]

Light hearted thread before we get to half term.

Today two Y8 boys, both brilliant in my subject.

Today I found myself saying:
"Alfred stop giving Ethelred a lap dance!"

*names changed to protect the innocent.

What funny things have you said in your classrooms?

[MrsUltracrepidarian]

'Tibault, this is the first time I have had to sanction a boy on crutches for being out of his seat stabbing another pupil with a broken pencil. And no, that is not a good thing.'

[Thatssofunny]

Our Y2 teacher and I have a tendency to be a little silly. The kids are aware that we are friends and get on very well.
While talking to one of our Y2s, with mock exasperation: "Your teacher is being mean to me...and then she's saying I'm the silly one."
Y2 child: "Well, she didn't get it from us. We are lovely."

Coming back into my class today, after having spent most of the afternoon at a meeting, two of my boys come up to me, give me a hug and say: "You're back Miss, we missed you!" I teach Year 6!

[AnimalsAreMyFriends]

"We don't eat the frog spawn Paul"

[EvilTwins]

No I don't have a knife you can use.

Yes, we've got loads of blood - at least two bottles.

I suppose you could turn the oven into a time machine.

The thing is, if they thought the dinosaur was a crocodile, you must have been doing something to suggest that. Maybe work on it for next time?

I have no idea of there are fart noises on YouTube - you'd have to search and find out.


(All of these in the last few weeks. disclaimer Drama teacher)

[Doraemon]

'We keep our knickers on in nursery!' (definitely overtones of Joyce Grenfell in our Foundation Unit)

[SuffolkNWhat]

I long to be able to say "George, don't do that" but all the George's I teach are too awesome!

[Telladomi]

"Don't panic everyone, it's not my blood!"


(nosebleed season. I looked like I'd done a murder)

[Lara2]

"Ryan! Why are you lying in the urinal?!"

[Fourarmsv2]

Mid Y10 lesson - Sebastian will you please pull your trousers down.

He'd rolled them up to his knees to
display some distracting stripy socks!

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

Yes, I can see you're stuck to the wall. My question was: 'who stapled you there?'

[MidniteScribbler]

"If you're going to commit murder on school property, at least do it on the grass where no one will trip on the blood."

Disclaimer: we were filming horror movies on Friday the 13th.

[MrsUltracrepidarian]

Fourarmsv2
this has to be the winner!

[phlebasconsidered]

"It is not appropriate to compare poos in the toilets at breaktimes, or have a competition about whose is the biggest. Poos are private."

After a fight about it in lesson time.

[siilk]

"Right new rule, no more stationary is to be put in nose, mouth or ears!" Said to a year 7 class who kept sticking pens up there nose!!

[KittyandTeal]

No Adam the plastic crab doesn't live in the urinal (after it had terrified a year 2 boy with very little English and we'd finally worked out what on earth was wrong)

I cover reception one day a week. Love it.

[Egog]

Jonathan, please stop licking Libby.

No, don't smack her bum instead.

(Year 2)

[Zippidydoodah]

ATruth- that's brilliant! I'm assuming secondary...?!

[ArabellaRockerfella]

"No you will not do a big poo on her head!" and "No your dad did not tell you to either" !!!!!!!!!!!

[ArabellaRockerfella]

PS. I'm in Reception
HA HA not Secondary, now that would be an issue!

[Littlefish]

"Nooooooooo Archie, don't poo on the old man!"

This was to a nursery child. We had just discovered thwt a different child had put a whole load of toys down the toilet including an old man puppet, and Archie was sitting on the toilet, just starting to poo!

[lechie]

"Next week, we're going to do masturbation"

To my A level students a couple of weeks ago. We're studying sexual ethics .

[honeysucklejasmine]

"If you must hit him, can you do so after class please?"

Classic flirting scenario.

[ValancyJane]

"X, are you... Doing a dinosaur impression?"

He was. And I teach secondary school!