Stuff you just can't explain to dogs

(154 Posts)
HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen Sat 16-Mar-13 09:23:27

IT'S A PEACH!!!!!!!!

It's not a ball. I am eating it, see? Stop sitting, it's a peach. Go away its a peach. It's not a ball, sod off. Look. Just. Let. Me. Eat. The. Peach.
No! It's not a ball.
Let's go find your ball.
<<abandons peach>>


Woof woof! Woof! Grrrrrrr woof wooooooof! Grrr!

Shush! Settle. Good gir....

Woof arooooooooooooooow woofwoof grrrrrrrrrrr

Look <<turns head>> the penguins on t.v. See? That's a reflexion on the window now settle. Good gir.......

Woof woof grrrrrrrr <<charge to back door>>

<<loops garden>>

Grrrrrrrr woof

<<returns in house>>

<<lies on carpet>>

<<sees window>>

Woof! Woof? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr


<<turns of t.v>>

<<reads book>>

<<cries a little bit>>

I know I'm not the only one with stuff I can't explain to dogs. 'Fess up please.

snala Sat 16-Mar-13 10:03:27

That I need to clean your lip fold with hibiscrub because it might get infected and it stinks.
Please sit still and let me.
Running off and rolling over isn't helping.
Neither is trying to catch my feet.


tabulahrasa Sat 16-Mar-13 10:45:58

The tub of recycling rubbish is not a dog toy box...

SpicyPear Sat 16-Mar-13 11:06:59

It's quite bad manners to barge through the bathroom door and sniff a human's bum when they are trying to go to the loo blush

HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen Sat 16-Mar-13 11:23:49

Nor are tin cans a sensible item to chew in the garden. The brick on the lid of the recycling box is not there for an intersecting challenge its to stop you getting in it.

pinkbear82 Sat 16-Mar-13 11:25:38

No not everything is a chew toy for you - no please put the washing back on the airer that doesn't need chewing either.

Please stop bashing the cat with your paw, he's being very patient and not swiping you..... Leave the cat alone..... Stop mouthing the cat..... Oh for god sake cat swipe him and show him.

Stop jumping on the sofa, stop using the cushions as springs.

Oh good you shredded that pile of paperwork for me...... Next time try and get the right pile not the important pile.

Yes I do love you, honestly, I do, yes with those cute puppy dog eyes, oh wow was that your arse (gag) ugh go away!

tabulahrasa Sat 16-Mar-13 11:30:46

The people in the next garden are supposed to be there, they live there, you see them there at least twice a week.

I realise that they don't fawn over you like you think you deserve - but that doesn't in itself make them suspicious.

VerySmallSqueak Sat 16-Mar-13 11:30:47

That pissing up the back of the settee is just not on.

It smells fine as it is.

pinkbear82 Sat 16-Mar-13 11:38:42

Ooo and 'please stop growling at old people - there is nothing wrong with them. No stop please. '

HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen Sat 16-Mar-13 11:40:27

VerySmallSqueak grin

Trills Sat 16-Mar-13 11:42:35
Startail Sat 16-Mar-13 11:42:53

Near neighbours dogs, I am posting a letter in the box across the lane from your gate not burgling your house. There is absolutely no reason to bark your heads off.

The same goes for several other dogs round here, used to be a nightmare trying to take a DD out and hopefully asleep in the pushchair.

Yes, nasty people do rob sheds round here and yes it's excellent to bark if people appear your side of the gate, but please let us walk down the lane in peace.

Wuxiapian Sat 16-Mar-13 11:44:59


Still18atheart Sat 16-Mar-13 11:48:56

No, no one is outside the reason why the motion sensor drive light is being switched on all the time is because of the trees being moved by the wind as it is a windy night . So stop getting wound up

You do not need to bark your silly fool head off at the postman, or the neighbours, or the man getting out of his van half way up the road, or the kids coming in from school. You are making my head spin with the barking. Enough already with the bloody barking. The neighbours have every bloody right to walk up their OWN drives!

OrbisNonSufficit Sat 16-Mar-13 12:33:31

The hairy thing chasing you from time to time is attached to you. It's your tail (and people say Mini Schnauzers are intelligent, I beg to differ).

The people you can see on the footpath from the front room are not on your territory, they have a right to walk there without being barked at.

Tissues are not food. Nor are cardboard boxes.

The edging around the garden bed is not there for you to practice agility with, it is there to stop you from stomping on the plants.

Sometimes on the weekend bedtime is later than normal. Sitting on the couch yawning ostentatiously will not change this.

When I lie on the floor that is not an invitation for you to sit on my head.

I could go on!

GemmaTeller Sat 16-Mar-13 12:44:31

We know you love the postman but there's no point taking a toy with you when he rings the bell - he hasn't got time to play with you.

When I bend down to fasten my trainers its not an invitation for a full on boxer kiss (eugh).

Standing and looking intently at the fridge or the oven will not make it magically open.

Thumbtack Sat 16-Mar-13 12:50:45

I said has anyone seen my DOOR KEYS? Not WALKIES! We only got back 10 mins ago!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minicreamegg Sat 16-Mar-13 13:14:43


pimmsgalore Sat 16-Mar-13 13:40:52

The DCs run up the stairs, its just what children do. No they are not asking you to play with them when they do it and so you don't need to sprint from wherever you are barking at them to play.

Oh and I know daddy has been away for 6 months and you are the man of the house protecting us but when the man comes to fix the heating I would appreciate you letting him in rather than going psycho dog on him.

VerySmallSqueak Sat 16-Mar-13 14:08:20

I don't do kisses with tongues with anything that hasn't cleaned its teeth.

Owllady Sat 16-Mar-13 14:10:54

my little dog thought the children's red noses were balls yesterday

OrbisNonSufficit Sat 16-Mar-13 14:12:35

VerySmallSqueak grin

(I also don't do kisses with anything that sticks its nose in every patch of dog wee it can find)

Sunshinewithshowers Sat 16-Mar-13 14:17:41

Our cat poos in the garden flower bed because she needs to.
Not because its for you to eat after your breakfast.

Dont scrag up the grass after you have had a wee.

Then do this hmm at me, when I bang on the window for you to STOP doing both of the above!

i love you more than than anything, really pickle bum bum

At Night in the Scone household

It is the moon.

The moon. Not an alien spaceship about to beam us all up.

Stop growling. It is the moon. Comes and goes I know, very confusing, but really it has done this for the entire 10and a half years you have been on the planet.

It is the moon. It is allowed to be in the sky.

During the day in the Scone household.

It is a vapour trail. Yes, it is a plane, clever boy. No, there is no point barking at it.

It is a jet trail, it cannot fall to the earth and wrap us in silvery tentacles.

Please don't bark. Or growl. Pleeeease....

DesperatelyChasingBloodyDog Sat 16-Mar-13 14:20:25

Just because I'm eating it does not mean you will.

Bugger off.


Not at all.

well, maybe just a tiny bit.

oh ok, then, a bit more...

Here, did you want my cheese?

colditz Sat 16-Mar-13 14:24:14

I do love you but sometimes, just sometimes, I need to not be licked. Or sat upon. Yes I do love you. I do. Prostrating yourself could not produce any more love. Oh PLEASE move before someone treads on you aaaaaand now you've pissed yourself in excitement. Well done. No, you don't have to check your bum, it definitely came from you.

headlesslambrini Sat 16-Mar-13 14:25:50

It was you that bloody farted so stop looking at me.

ifancyashandy Sat 16-Mar-13 14:29:12

There are not a million doggies that l

If I am trying to knit, it does not help,if you come and sit right under my elbow, on my ball of yarn. Though it does explain why the cream tunic I am knitting is approximately 50% dog hair.

toomuch2young Sat 16-Mar-13 14:42:06

Yes I love you. No I do not need you pawing my hand to make me drop my phone when your sprawling your hairy selves all over me because i haved dared stop stroking you.
I have plenty of time and affection for both of you, you don't need to push each other out of the way while using me as a climbing frame!
No the neighbours cat will not jump off the fence into your garden. He doesn't care your barking at him. He doesn't care your spinning circles to get out to him. He's laughing at you. Please be quiet.

D0oinMeCleanin Sat 16-Mar-13 14:43:29

If it's raining outside the backdoor there is a very high probability of it raining outside of the front door, so there really is no point in me opening the front door for you to check if it is raining on the green opposite.

No, walking backwards and forwards to check each door will not help. Yes, I know it works sometimes but that is just because it happened to stop raining at that time, not because you managed to outrun the rain from the backdoor to the front door. It was at each door, simultaneously. It was probably all over the town. You did not beat it to the front of the house.

The neighbours frown upon me letting you on the green with no lead, and oddly you won't pee on lead. The rain has also stopped at the backdoor. Oh okay then, go pee on the green before you pee in the house.

Also learning new commands is not scary. Hiding under the dining table while I am teaching you is not helpful. "Stand" is just a word, the same as sit and down, it can't hurt you.

crumpeteater Sat 16-Mar-13 14:57:18

If I'm trying to put your bed back in its place, there's no point in you sitting in that place looking eagerly at me, I can't put the sodding bed down with you there can I?

The cat doesn't hate you, she'd actually quite like you if you stayed still and let her snuggle up to you. If you keep shoving your nose up her bum and pawing at her she will get annoyed and run away. And then you will be on your own again. Also, whining at her won't make her want to play with you.

When the vet is trying to look in your ears, she does not need you to lick her face.

Startail Sat 16-Mar-13 15:19:14

Daft DFs Westie, those white things are sheep, you are not allowed out your garden to chase them.

It is, therefore your own fault you are stuck between your fence and next doors fence. It's no good blaming your owner, she has spent a fortune fencing her garden to stop you escaping. No she isn't going to climb over and get you, she's 82!

MrsWolowitz Sat 16-Mar-13 16:24:10

The cat food is for the cat.
See. Your bowl is full of dog food. For you. The dog.
No, this bowl not that one.
Seriously, what's wrong with you - this bowl.

There is nothing for you in the bin.

There is nothing for you in the toilet.

Staring at me with such intensity that you show the whites of your eyes will not make me give you a bit of my sandwich. Oh go on then, just a bit of the ham

TheCunnyFuntIsAGrittersFiancee Sat 16-Mar-13 16:57:38
OrbisNonSufficit Sat 16-Mar-13 17:25:15

No, dinner time is in another HOUR, looking at me lovingly will not make time go faster or make me forget what time it is.

(I love this thread grin)

WaftyCrank Sat 16-Mar-13 17:25:16

No matter how flat you make yourself on the sofa, I can still see you there.

Yes I know you're very cute but you don't need to put your face that close to mine. No don't lick my nose.

I know you are obsessed with the baby but please don't try to sit on me when I'm feeding her, you're not a small pup.

Inthepotty Sat 16-Mar-13 17:33:01

I can see you on my armchair. Through the window- it's glass, you see. No matter how quick you jump back onto your bed when I open the front door, I SAW YOU ON MY CHAIR.

I do the school run every day, at the same time. Yes, you may come in the car, but whimpering as we drive past the fields will not make me stop, say sod it kids lets go for a walk, IT WILL NOT HAPPEN. We go on the way back, EVERY DAY.

Sherbert37 Sat 16-Mar-13 17:40:13

Rolling in fox poo does not make you more attractive to other dogs. It just means a bath and your collar in the washing machine, again.

GemmaTeller Sat 16-Mar-13 18:07:40

Walking really really slowly to the bathroom then standing there looking the other way and not making eye contact with the bath will not make it go away - GET IN!

Somehow managing to glue your feet to the floor then going all floppy when I try to lift you up (you big lanky legged boxer you) will not stop you going in the bath - GET IN!

No, you can't have the rubdown with the towel either first or instead of a bath - GET IN!

VerySmallSqueak Sat 16-Mar-13 21:20:27

It's a football you're shagging,not a bitch,OK?

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Sat 16-Mar-13 21:43:04

You know how I can't have a bin in the kitchen because you think it is your own personal snack bar? Well, when I forget to take out the rubbish bag, that isn't me being nice and leaving you a treat for when I'm out.

Especially when there are egg shells in said bag.

Oh and cat food tins, chewed to within an inch of their life - that massive scar on your tongue from when you were a didn't really need a companion did it! angry

We won't discuss the enigma that is a cat litter tray that never has cat poo in it either.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 16-Mar-13 21:59:49

Dear LBRD (little brown rescue dog) It is MY bed, not yours, OK i like you keeping my feet warm but please stop groaning if i dare to move and disturb you. Oh and eating MY bed? Really not on, seriously! And another thing - do you HAVE to somehow get into the duvet cover, get stuck, panic, fall off the bed, pulling the covers off me and DP at 3am???

Feilefoo Sat 16-Mar-13 22:13:21

Hotair balloons do not shoot death rays, they don't hunt down and kill dogs. And if they did they would totally be able to find you hiding in the iris bed!

OrbisNonSufficit Sat 16-Mar-13 22:16:58

I know I go away for work sometimes, but the suitcase does not always need to be a source of deep depression. Sometimes you get to come too. Stop pining.

HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen Sat 16-Mar-13 22:34:27

Hot air balloons also can see you when you hide under the garden table. As can we. It's glass. You muppet.

This is also why I can pre emp your incredible sneaky stealth attacks. I can see you hiding through the table.

Feilefoo Sat 16-Mar-13 22:38:16

HotPink that's hilarious! I can just see a a dog thinking "the fierce, stealthy wolf, here under the glass table, sneaks up on the unsuspecting prey.."

Startail Sat 16-Mar-13 22:50:09

DMILS cats yes we know last time the appearance of a ruck sack in the kitchen meant we vanished on holiday.

Now we are back it simply means she's going on the bus to get cat food.

DMIL reported the cats going barmy at sight of a ruck sac for weeks. Despite the fact that, clearly she went shopping far more often than she went on holiday.

pugoff Sun 17-Mar-13 06:50:44

I know its your fav toy but you broke it then ate the pieces so I have to take it away. Yes it is mean and I'm sorry.

Trying to pinch the socks off me when I'm struggling to put them on at 8.5 months pregnant is quite frankly, not on.

I didn't make it rain so stop looking at me like its my fault.

We are not keeping secret pugs from you in the bedroom. It's a mirror. It's you. No, its still you...

PromQueenWithin Sun 17-Mar-13 06:56:34

I know you've been on there, I can see the muddy paw prints. There's no point sitting in your bed looking innocent.

LtEveDallas Sun 17-Mar-13 07:37:48

You have your own bed, you don't need mine. No, jumping off the bed when you hear me come up the stairs doesn't mean you've got away with it - the bed is still warm.

It's a rabbit. It was a rabbit the last time you looked, and the time before that. It doesn't want to play with you.

It's a tortoise. It was a tortoise the last time you looked, and the time before that. It's not going to chase you, it's not going to eat you. There is no point in running away from it.

It's Simon. You see him every day at 1230. He loves you. You don't need to bark at him. You love him. You will see him tomorrow at 1230 and you will bark at him again. But he will still be Simon, he will still come, he will still walk with you. It's 1230, oh look it's Simon, oh look, you are barking again.

punter Sun 17-Mar-13 08:03:26

Horses are not giant dogs. They do not want to play with you. They will trample you or gallop away with the rider hanging on for dear life. Even the ones on the Cheltenham racecourse on the TV are not huge dogs - it is no good barking at the screen, they will not play with you.

bubble2bubble Sun 17-Mar-13 10:44:49

You will NEVER catch a sandmartin.
Yes, I know you get very close but they are honestly just taking the piss- they can fly and you can't. You will never catch a sandmartin.

Trills Sun 17-Mar-13 11:35:39

Love the idea that the sandmartins are taking the piss - they probably are!

HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen Sun 17-Mar-13 11:48:01

You really don't need to pull on the lead as its snowing. You don't normally. It's snow. Normal manners and protocol apply. It's snow. Not a government conspiracy to cause canine insanity. It's just snow. Now help me put my arm back in its socket. Good dog.

GemmaTeller Sun 17-Mar-13 12:10:15

Prancing about like a big gangly eejit will not make the kitten play with you, see that expression on his face? he's not thinking 'wow, you look fun', he's thinking 'wtf?'
How many times do I have to tell you lie down and wait till the kitten comes to you then be gentle with it (I know you think a big slobbery lick is being gentle).

Lara2 Sun 17-Mar-13 17:09:26

You're a girl Laradog1, so it's no good humping your brother, especially as you're both neutered. And please can you stop doing it only when we're on a walk and only in front of old people and children. Just because I have my hood up don't think I can't see you.......
Laradog2, just tell her off - just once - please! If you did she'd stop humping you.

wildfig Sun 17-Mar-13 19:00:43

See this lead in my hand? See where it attaches to you? Now see that tree that you've just walked round? And see where I am? Can you see the problem here?

littlewhitebag Sun 17-Mar-13 19:13:51

Yes, yes i know, you want to go for a walk. But if you keep chewing my hand and my shoe laces i will not be able to get my shoes on and the walk will not happen. Yes i know, you hate your lead, but it goes on at the start of every single walk. Get over it.

HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen Sun 17-Mar-13 19:27:16

Wildfig grin

Admit it. You've had that conversation out loud. In public. Haven't you?

I know I have

The broom, Hoover and mop are not trying to kill you.

Signet2012 Sun 17-Mar-13 19:35:26

I'm not taking you to the vets because I don't like you, it's because you are poorly. I'm not shaking because I'm scared of the vet I'm shaking because I'm scared for you, snarling at him won't change that. And when I buried my head in your fur I was saying goodbye and thank you for being my best friend and this was my final act of love for you.

But on a lighter note before all of that
1) the postman brings post he isn't going to kill me stop attacking the door.
2) sneezing on my dinner is very sly. It's rude and vile.
3) the baby is human and will move there is no need to jump out your skin every time she cries
4) snow balls don't disappear, you just can't see them. We have an endless supply so you don't need to spend hours searching for each one.
5) waves move. You can't out run them going towards them.
6) we go the exact same place each time we get in the car. It's fine. You know you are going to the beach there is no need to cry and shake.


HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen Sun 17-Mar-13 19:43:28

((Hugs signet)) smile

LOVE sneezing on your dinner, that was definitely sly yet genius.

Signet2012 Sun 17-Mar-13 20:21:25

It's because he did it once so dp gave him it as I didn't want it. I had put it on the side but dp gave him it green lighting it as a ploy to get my tea.

He was such a character though grin

OrbisNonSufficit Sun 17-Mar-13 20:26:13

Oh, Signet sad [follows up HPWWL's hugs with more hugs]

littlewhitebag Sun 17-Mar-13 20:40:14

I was laughing throughout this thread and now i am crying and gazing lovingly at my sinkypup through teary eyes.

Signet2012 Sun 17-Mar-13 20:46:26

Aw sorry folks didn't mean to put a downer on it!!!

He had a good life I just wish I could have made him understand why I did it.

Back to happy thoughts please or ill be barred from the dog house for ever. Of in the dog house i guess blush

colditz Sun 17-Mar-13 20:51:06

Me facetiming my boyfriend on the iPad is not a cue for you to sit directly on my chin and gaze adoringly at him. He loves me, he only likes you.

Secondly, Angry Birds pencil topper toys are not puppies. I have put them in the cupboard. I have not slaughtered your family, stop crying. Oh please.

Mynewmoniker Sun 17-Mar-13 20:56:51

Dog1 please stop taking the blame for ALL the many naughty things that Dog2 gets up to.

You do not need to sit with your head hung apologetically every time I scratch my head and wonder where the H* I'm going to start putting the house back together again.

Have you noticed how Dog2 doesn't give a gnat's p* about how cross and upset I am. Have you noticed her stood with her front legs spread in drinking girraffe style ready for me to chase her round the house and retrieve my ripped up upholstery remains from her AGAIN!

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sun 17-Mar-13 20:57:21

No, whining in the car will not get us to the dog walk any sooner, we already know you're delighted to be going for a walk.

No, the bin is not a pick and mix selection for while we are out.

Yes, we can spot our buried socks, gloves and hats in the garden. We will have to dig them up and wash them - again.

LadyTurmoil Sun 17-Mar-13 21:01:52

It's Simon. You see him every day at 1230. He loves you. You don't need to bark at him. You love him. You will see him tomorrow at 1230 and you will bark at him again. But he will still be Simon, he will still come, he will still walk with you. It's 1230, oh look it's Simon, oh look, you are barking again.

Me facetiming my boyfriend on the iPad is not a cue for you to sit directly on my chin and gaze adoringly at him. He loves me, he only likes you.

2 of my favourites but they are all funny! Hugs to Signet

Hugs, Signet. They wind they paws right round your heart, don't they. And what you did is the hardest thing to do, and shows the depth of your love - and having made that same decision for three of our cats, at different times, I know how heartbreaking it is.

On a lighter note - ddog2 - you are not see-through. Sitting on my chest, right in front of my face does not improve my view of the tv, and I would actually quite like to watch the ice skating highlights, please.

HugeSigh Sun 17-Mar-13 21:41:01

To my mums dog - I'm sorry I was taking so long making eggs for breakfast. You know full well I'd have caved and saved you some - there was no reason steal them and crunch through the shells. Honestly, my scrambled eggs contain less no shell and are far nicer if you'd just be patient...

Also - chewng a tube of deep heat is never a good idea. Yes, we see you desperately trying to remove the burny feeling from your tongue and but sorry, I'm laughing too hard to be sympathetic just now!

And me hiding the chocolate cake in the laundry basket for the surprise party was not a hide and seek game to keep you occupied!

MothershipG Sun 17-Mar-13 21:57:00

Ddog1 - walnut whips are not a dog treat, I know you managed to steal one and obviosly found it delicious but chocolate is seriously not good for you. (Thank goodness you have a robust system).

Ddog2 - we don't get thunder every time it rains so you don't need to worry so much.

Ddog3 - we might have left the room but stop table surfing, there's nothing on it you can eat (this time) and we know what you're doing, get off the table!

Crying with laughter at this-brilliant!

BossyDog you know the 2 black things are devilspawn cats.

You know they are naughty and I hiss at them when they climb the curtains/claw the carpet/ fight each other.

So WHY do you immediately jump up looking guilty when I shout "Oi cat stop that" Every.Single.Time.


MrsPennyapple Sun 17-Mar-13 22:28:35

I'm trying to brush you, it's not a game! I know I'm laughing, but that's because you're trying to play with the brush. Stop it, I'm trying to brush you!

Get the ball then. Yes, it went over there. You were about three feet from it. Get the ball! It's there! I can see it, why can't you? Why not use that incredible nose of yours to find it? IT'S THERE! No, that's my finger, THE BALL IS THERE! Oh I'll just get it shall I?

OrbisNonSufficit Sun 17-Mar-13 22:39:43

I LOVE this thread. Our little fur face has so many of the annoying idiosyncratic habits that everyone is taking the piss out of lovingly describing grin.

And another one...
I know you love the vet because she gives you treats. Please don't sit in the waiting room whining (loudly) in anticipation and launching yourself at every dog that walks past because you think it might be your new best friend. It's just embarrassing.

nooka Sun 17-Mar-13 22:39:57

Fabulous blog you linked to there Trills grin

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Sun 17-Mar-13 22:46:07

To my brother's Border Collie.

You know how you go absolutely ape-shit if we make the cat call sound (chh chh chh) and say "where's the cats?", well you know the ginger/white thing and the black/white thing that live with me, they're cats. That's right - the scary beasts who when you come face to face with them, you forget that they are your arch enemies and instead become paralysed with fear, can only stand completely still, but if they move toward you then you run in the opposite direction - you've not made the connection that they are "cats" have you <pats head of simpleton dog>

Oh and the sheep on the tv - they aren't hiding behind the tv trying to trick you, I promise.

You can really only fit one of your Kong toys in your mouth at one time.

My dog steals your toys, she is a big bully, stand up to her - be a man-dog!

Finally, I find it really insulting when I come to visit that you will only say hello to me once you have realised that DD is not with me. The pathetic searching you do, whining by the front door, expecting her to come in after me. Insulting.

You do give amazing cuddles though, so I forgive you grin

memphis83 Sun 17-Mar-13 23:11:54

Stinky bog dog I love you but finding every muddy sloppy puddle/bog and then lying in it is not good, you stink.

Hiding the evidence of things you have stolen to eat in your bed points the finger at you and not ds, I am still amazed how you managed to eat a whole loaf of bread.

Stop giving the rabbit our shoes, we know he didn't steal them from the shoerack so stop trying to get him in trouble.

plannedshock Sun 17-Mar-13 23:29:38

Nothing bad has ever happened to you with regards to the clothes horse cling film or very shallow puddles so chill out, you weigh 6stone i can see you on the sofa. You are not stealth-like, climbing into the sofa slowly doesn't mean I can't see you, your bum isn't that delicious that you have to clean it that loudly for that long, when you are having quality time with your bed/girlfriend you do not have to stare me straight in the eye. I love you, you stink so bad and are so ugly but I still think you are my puppy, just a giant version now x

LadyTurmoil Sun 17-Mar-13 23:59:37

This is such a fantastic thread - it really should be gathered together and made into a book! Just shows that dog owners need a great sense of humour and a lot of patience smile grin

Startail Mon 18-Mar-13 02:06:19

I know you can't get comfy in your bed. That's because you have spent the last 30 minutes trying to kill it and it is now upside down.

It's no good whining and going round in circles. You are not going to get comfy. That is the scratchy grippy side that stops it slipping on the carpet.

The nice padded cushion is on the other side of the room because you tried to kill it.

No it's no good moaning you only have the cushion and no bed to have either way up. Eventually you did kill it and its stuffing fell out. No your not getinga new one.

AdoraBell Mon 18-Mar-13 02:14:36

No! Don't eat that bird, ffs, the DDs have just had daddy rescue it after it accidentally flew in through the open window and it's been head butting the wall and everything, trying to escape. DDs'll be heart broken if you gobble it up, oh

larlemucker Mon 18-Mar-13 02:33:22

Dear fluffy dog,
I love you to pieces but I know the baby is crying. See I am holding him trying to stop him from crying, I don't need to to howl as loud as possible to tell me he is crying. Yes now he is crying louder to be heard over your howling, that doesn't mean you need to howl louder too.

When we are on the park I love that you are excited to see the tennis ball but the whole point if fetch us that you BRING THE BALL BACK, you don't just run after it and then wander off sniffing.

The postman comes most mornings, what he puts through the letter box are pieces of paper, they are not thin white aliens trying to attack and kill us, you can leave them alone.

The reason the box of chocolates is in the recycling is because its empty, I didn't put it there for you to find and rip up round the kitchen.

You do not need to sniff every post and just because a dog is bigger than you, which lets face it, is 90% of other dogs, does not mean you can go mental trying to bark at it. Being on your lead does not necessarily mean I'll protect you if it chooses to retaliate and if you weren't on you lead I know you wouldn't dare bark.

TheRealFellatio Mon 18-Mar-13 02:59:27

You can continue to chase those birds if you wish, but once they are in the air you are never going to catch them so save your energy for something less futile.

MothershipG Mon 18-Mar-13 08:55:31

Ddog3 - No you are not a gremlin, yes you do look remarkably like one but when daddy makes that sing songey noise like a gremlin you don't need to get all silly and squirmy, you are a dog, not a gremlin. wink

pinkbear82 Mon 18-Mar-13 09:00:16

Yes the sun is making reflection marks on the wall. No you really don't need to try and climb the wall and try to catch it.

You are not the same size as the cat. The back of the sofa and window sill are not going to fit you on them.

There is nothing under that sofa cushion..... See nothing under any of them. But thanks for rearranging them on the floor.

To DSIL's small dog.

Yes I know you think you are a fierce giant pitbull that takes no prisoners.

I have seen you squaring up to a Great Dane who had the temerity to walk calmly down the road not knowing it was YOUR manor and therefore private.

But you are a jack russel x yorkie, and smallest of both, so get over yourself. grin

pinkbear82 Mon 18-Mar-13 10:16:00

To DM dog

Thank you so much for dashing out the car and running into the wrong house and then in blind panic revert back to your puppy days and promptly wee. My neighbours weren't overly pleased with that introduction if we're being honest.
It's fine for you, you got to go home again. I have to live here. And now get complained at for random things I have no control over - like the cat walking across their fence, or the rain falling the wrong way and probably it's my fault she fell over in her garden the other day.
But just so you know, your still the prettiest little lady out there. Even if you do wee all over random houses.

If you throw all your toys down the gap between your create and the sofa you will have no toys. No amount of whining will make them come out. Looking at me with those eyes will not make me get them out. No I won't do it. It is not a game. Stop looking at me. Shut up. No. Here have your toys. No don't do tha....... Argh!

DesperatelyChasingBloodyDog Mon 18-Mar-13 11:49:18

My retriever is terrified of Yorkies and Westies, so maybe she has a point!

TheRealFellatio Mon 18-Mar-13 11:51:51

Please let mummy cut your nails. It's for your own good and no, I really am NOT trying to kill you. No need for the nervous breakdown. Ditto bath time.

Oh god yes the nails. I am not trying to hachet off all your legs just trim the very tippy tips off.

TheRealFellatio Mon 18-Mar-13 11:55:43

Oh and do you you think you could stop trying to savage the gardener through the patio doors now? It's getting boring. He comes every single day, at the same time, and waters the same plants in the same order with the same hose. You don't see me running around and screaming do you? So why do you feel the need to do it? Huh? hmm

Cake wrappers are not food.

My alarm goes off at 6.15 am each morning. I really don't need to be woken some mornings at 5.50. Or to be looked at scathingly if I come down at 6.15 to let you out on one of those days you want a lie-in.

mistlethrush Mon 18-Mar-13 12:18:25

If you throw your chew into the middle of DS's lego collection I might not be able to find it, however longingly you look in its direction.

Please give me a hint - I can't read your mind when you woof at me and stare determindly at me, you need to show me what you want.

My toes will not hurt you, they're part of me and I'm in control of them - you don't need to jump everytime you realise they're near you, I won't kick you - I know that's why you're worried.

Staring at someone at the front door and wagging your tail at them gives us absolutely no hint that anyone wants us to go to the door - if you could perhaps woof to let us know that would be really handy.

I know that our bed had a nice mattress and a duvet, just like yours - but its OUR bed, not yours - yours in in the corner, and if you didn't dig it up before going to sleep on it, it would be quite comfortable. You've got another bed downstairs, and you could always stay on the sofa, but our bed is for us, not you. DS's bed is for him. And the spare bed is for visitors. No, get off it. And I know that you've just slunk down of ours when I came in last thing....

The compost bucket by the backdoor is for kitchen waste to go on the compost heap. You've already licked the egg shells out, so please don't go through it to pull them out and see if you missed a smear of egg white.

TheRealFellatio Mon 18-Mar-13 16:46:26

The laser pen only works when mummy turns it on and waves it around in the dark. No amount of staring at it on the shelf is going to make it spring to life for your endless entertainment.

FloatyBeatie Mon 18-Mar-13 16:55:44

Strutting along the pavement with your squeaky Mr Man dog toy doesn't make you look like "a solid wall of pure alpha, a lord among dogs" as you put it. It makes you look sweet -- yes, sweet. Old ladies coo over you.

pinkbear82 Mon 18-Mar-13 17:09:25

Yes you have been bathed today. No you don't need to roll in the mud. Yes that is your bedding on the line, drying, that too has been washed. No please don't pull it off the line and parade with it around the garden....well the thought of having u and your bedding clean and less smelly was there!

colditz Mon 18-Mar-13 17:28:38

That cat is not ever going to fall off that wheelie bin and through the letter box, no matter how much you stare at it through the window.

Owllady Mon 18-Mar-13 18:02:59

why are you still barking out of the window? they are in the house now hmm

TheRealFellatio Mon 18-Mar-13 18:22:35

Eau de Fox might be all the rage in Dogland, with its animalistic top notes and its earthy, musky base notes, but us human girls just don't go for it. It doesn't make us wild with desire, in spite of what the advert tells you, so cease and desist, please.

Owllady Mon 18-Mar-13 18:33:00

oh my dog is terrible for that atm fellatio sad

TheRealFellatio Mon 18-Mar-13 18:35:05

Laying on the kitchen floor and wrapping yourself around my feet lovingly while I am cooking the dinner does not mean that I will give you some, although it may mean that I drop a boiling pan on your head.

TheRealFellatio Mon 18-Mar-13 18:38:20

And when we go to the beach at weekends and you are all wet and sandy, why do you come and stand right next to me before having a really good shake? Why? A polite dog would stand a few feet away. You seem to think I want to be showered in sea water infused with sand and dog hair. confused

I really don't.

TheChimpParadox Mon 18-Mar-13 18:43:37

you will never catch a squirrel !

pugoff Mon 18-Mar-13 19:01:52

Refusing to walk thro puddles and making me lift you over them doesn't do anything for your image as a silly dog, nor mine - DDog1

Also a bit soppy but to DDog1 & 2, I know I'm due to have a baby soon but I love you both so much you are like my human babies and we will continue to love you no matter what.

LtEveDallas Mon 18-Mar-13 19:09:30

Ahh Chimp - MuttDog did catch a Squirrel - but let it go when it bit her on the nose sad hasn't stopped her trying to get another one though! grin

Mynewmoniker Mon 18-Mar-13 19:50:16

No! It is no time to turn into a collapsable slinky when I'm brushing you; I need you standing on all fours upright so I can access all areas.

After brushing I don't think there's any need to spin round and round in a fit like's not a good look. hmm

OrbisNonSufficit Mon 18-Mar-13 20:08:34

grin Chimp Our dog DID actually catch one once - it slipped off the garden edge while it was trying to run away. But he's so daft (thinks he's a person not a dog) that he tried to grab it with both of his front legs instead of his mouth. So it got away. Hilarious!

pinkbraces Mon 18-Mar-13 20:26:34

Yes, you are very gorgeous,but not everyone appreciates all 25,kg of muddy wet dog jumping all over them. When we say down, please please sit down!

TheChimpParadox Mon 18-Mar-13 20:38:59

I'm sure if she ever did catch a squirrel she would be so shocked she'd drop it !

TheChimpParadox Mon 18-Mar-13 20:42:23

Is it 'roll in fox poo' season ? She hadn't done it for ages but at moment she is stinking the place out !

It is always roll in fox poo season for our ddogs. Except when it is roll in runny, green, dead seal season. Now that was special!

beansmeansbooks Tue 19-Mar-13 04:25:07

Dog1 - You're right, I do appear to be eating something! Although it seems incredible, some of the food in this house does not in fact belong to you and is very likely to be eaten by someone other than you.

Dog2 - Really there is no need to line up your food in order of preference all along the kitchen floor before eating it. You could just eat it.

Dog1 - Well, what do you think it is? It's dirty yellow / slimy green, fuzzy and round, and it looks exactly like the several hundred tennis balls you've previously loved, obsessed over, lost under the sofa and dug back out again, fetched, dropped, peeled, mauled and eventually lost. So, on consideration, I'd say it's probably a tennis ball.

Dog 1 - Dog 2 isn't actually into tennis balls; when he picks one up and makes a big fuss about one, he's not really after a game but only does it until you shift your big butt off his favourite spot on the sofa to join in and thus permit him to claim the pre-heated seat.

Dog 2 - it's not very nice to pretend to need to go and pee in the garden until your dad vacates his armchair, and then to claim said armchair before he has the chance to sit back down again. You know he's a softie and won't boot you out! And yes, I have seen through your devious little mind.

Ullena Tue 19-Mar-13 15:45:30

Davedog - Whilst I do appreciate that you enjoy a good book, I feel that we have very different views on the meaning of getting your teeth into something...

Runtypuppy - We still exist when we are out of sight. No, really we do. No, you don't need to bark at the universe until it makes new copies of us for you...

Colliedog - Everything sleeps. Even you. Yes, really. Go to sleep. Fine, bring the toy...

Ditzylab - It's snowing. Come indoors before we are accused of neglect. No, don't run to the far end of the garden...

Eldestdog - Get up, it's breakfast time. Come on now. No, you can't eat it in our bed. No, put your bowl down! Never mind, the sheets will wash...

ColdHandLou Tue 19-Mar-13 17:12:34

Yes other people are allowed to walk up our road & no not everyone sitting on a bench will have treats for you grin

ColdHandLou - I am just glad we live in a cul de sac. If we lived on a road with traffic and pedestrians going past all the time, ddog2 would bark herself - and me - into a nervous breakdown within a day!

TheChimpParadox Tue 19-Mar-13 17:27:26

Just because somebody looks at you and smiles doesn't mean they are in love with you !

MothershipG Tue 19-Mar-13 17:42:59

Inspired by TheChimp

Ddog1 - Just because someone smiles at you that doesn't mean they love you and want you to jump up to kiss them (and if they are wearing smart clothes, they really don't want you to!)

shashep Tue 19-Mar-13 17:54:01

Please get into the car - it's 2 weeks ago that i left you at the vet (because you ate a stone) it is safe to get in and go nice places again.

However persistent you are (and you were starting to worry the builders) you cannot catch every one of the tiny little white balls thrown for you. It was hailing. It happens.

And stop weeing at the vets, on the vets, and thinking because you get on the table there, that you can also climb on the chairs in the waiting room and onto the receptionist's desk. Am ashamed to be seen with you!

TheChimpParadox Tue 19-Mar-13 17:59:06

DS guitar teacher is here to teach guitar not play ball with you so stop whining because you can't go in the other room with them !

(Happens every week ! )

ColdHandLou Tue 19-Mar-13 19:36:19

Haha SDTG, thankfully she can't see from our flat to the street!

gymmummy64 Tue 19-Mar-13 22:49:22

Gymdog, this recall lark could be really quite simple. yes, you can chase seagulls, yes you can go and splash in the river, yes you can run into the woods, yes you can go sniff. Seriously, I'm not trying to stop you doing any of these things, you're a dog, I appreciate that. All you have to do is come back after. See? Then we'd both be happy.

Also, when your bowl is empty, it's empty. Chasing it around the kitchen making that really annoying scrapey noise on the floor won't make any more food suddenly appear. Oh, and also, i need to wash your bowl sometimes, picking it up doesn't mean I'm going to put more stuff in it, particularly when it's only 5 minutes after you've just had a full meal out of it.

thewhistler Tue 19-Mar-13 23:25:10

It is extremely rude not to say badly brought up to peer up ladies' skirts.

Humping is pointless now you've had the snip.

You are never going to get that fox.

Yes, I remain attached to the lead.

TheRealFellatio Wed 20-Mar-13 06:06:53

When we skype your big (human) brother and best friend while he is away at university you have to learn to look at the screen. I know you recognise his voice but you don't seem to grasp that he is not hiding behind the computer, or under the desk or in fact, not even in the room at all. He is on the screen. Like with telly. Geddit?

TheRealFellatio Wed 20-Mar-13 06:08:41

Oh, and stealing curry will give you the runs at 3am. Although you know that now, don't you? hmm

tabulahrasa Wed 20-Mar-13 09:20:57

Digging the laminate floor will not make it any comfier to lie on, no not even if you dig it louder, dear god, stop it, please! You have not one but 4 beds, carry one over here if you feel the need but please stop making that noise...

You wll never be allowed to eat the chickens. Yes, I know that they deliberately stand on the other side of the glass doors and peck at you, but you cannot bite them through the glass. You're just mankifying my windows.

It is not the other dog which is upsetting me. It is your unsociable response to said dog. Jumping in its face and yelling 'FUUUUUUCK OOOOOOOFFF' causes me stress and means we have to leave forthwith. You don't get extra ball throws for getting rid of the other dog <head/desk>

Yes, I love you. Yes, I will forgive you almost anything. But when you get as muddy and disgusting as possible and then run hell for leather upstairs and roll all over my bed, we're going to fall out. It is not cool.

MartyrStewart Wed 20-Mar-13 09:47:37

Dog 1 - Nobody likes a muddy Labrador. That is all.

Dog2 - I know you are still a baby, but you are also a 32kg GSD. You will not fit on my lap however small you try to make yourself.

And to both of you - the kitchen bin is not a buffet laid on by me.

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 20-Mar-13 10:09:52

Cat poo is not a delicious treat. It is poo. Please stop eating it.

Sometimes you can walk on the grass, you don't HAVE to find the muddiest, wettest stretch of field and tromp through it.

When I'm chasing you around with a towel, we're not playing a game. Just stay still, come here..oh wait, no dry yourself off on my leggings, much better idea. Yes.

iseenodust Wed 20-Mar-13 10:20:41

If you continue to eat snow you will end up shivering and your teeth really will chatter. Chose to ignore my sound advice, can I say told you so?

Just like yesterday if you continue to eat snow....

Martyr - my 32kg lab-pointer cross firmly believes she is a lapdog. And insists on getting on your lap - which makes mumsnetting on the ipad, knitting, or watching tv impossible - in fact the only possible activity is admiring and making a fuss of the dog. She's not stupid unlike our chocolate lab who is so dim she is practically zero wattage.

MothershipG Wed 20-Mar-13 10:32:40

Ddog1 - yes I do love you, but it doesn't matter how many times you nudge me you will not be getting a fuss because, hard as you find it to believe, I do not love l'eau de renard as much as you appear to. hmm

meah Fri 22-Mar-13 22:12:03

When ever I'm rummaging through a load of junk, paper looking etc. desperately looking for, usually my keys, this does not mean I've called you over to have a nose through everything and block my view, there is nothing of your there and NO we're not playing find the toy!
I swear i have the nosiest GSD in the entire Universe !! grin

BoyMeetsWorld Fri 22-Mar-13 22:19:11

You don't have to make it your mission to slobber at eye level. I can see it, believe me, wherever it is. This is taking territory marking too far...

Every day when she comes back from school her butt smells the same

No, you don't need to sniff it - it smells the same

She really won't have shat herself, she's 14

And no, she's not happy you chewed on her used tampon either

TheRealFellatio Sat 23-Mar-13 05:10:53


Oh God.

I have a dog who will move heaven and earth to try to get to one of my used kleenex before I can put it in the bin. I literally have to fight him off. He watches with huge anticipation as I blow my nose and then, if he can manage to grab from me, he bolts it down as quickly as he can so I can't get it back off him.

<sigh> Who knew I tasted so irresistible? hmm

TheRealFellatio Sat 23-Mar-13 05:12:08

This thread is probably not really selling dogs to all the dog refusniks out there. grin

changeforthebetter Sat 23-Mar-13 06:24:31

grin Lovely thread - can I just say, certain cats (changecat2 - RIP) do the back door/front door when it's raining too! Changecat3 just meows imperiously at me as if inclement weather is my fault. I am currently being harangued because it is snowing! confused

thewhistler Sat 23-Mar-13 09:02:31

Motorcyclists are not other animals, FGS. If you suddenly scream at them they become cross. Then they are cross with ME. FFS shut up!

It's not my fault you got that sausage stuck in your throat.

(Great thread)

coffeeinbed Sat 23-Mar-13 09:55:18

No, you're not coming with us tonight.
I know you love the pub, but no, once in a while a dog-free evening can be quite enjoyable.
Barking won't help.

TheRealFellatio Sat 23-Mar-13 14:36:14

Just because when we leave the house and get in the car with you, and we go to the beach or the park or the woods, it doesn't mean that every time we leave the house and get in the car without you we are going to the beach, the park or the woods.

Honestly. We are doing dull things - not frolicking in the sea or running through fields. we are at the shops, or at work. It's boring. You wouldn't like it.

coffeeinbed Sat 23-Mar-13 16:14:26

I don't know how my dogs knows when he's coming in the car, but he does.
As for the pub, he's always hopeful. He gets lots of attention there.

Tooloudhere Sat 23-Mar-13 21:37:34

I know you are trying to help but I can clean my own glasses. Puppy slobber does not help me to see through them.

The dishwasher is not a self service cafe.

Thanks for digging a really big hole in the garden, suppose I had better buy a plant to put in it.

Oh and the comfy armchair is mine you are not to go on it, especially after gardening.

I realise I reached forwards for something and momentarily left a space behind me, that was not an invitation to stretch out on the sofa and take my place.

You are wet. You might have curled up into a ball and shut your eyes but no matter how sneaky you are I still see you on the sofa. GET OFF!

What?! When did you get back on the sofa?! How long have you been sitting there next to me?!

Peanutbutternutter419 Sun 24-Mar-13 08:15:02

Surprisingly we wouldn't gave known you'd been curled up on the sofa while we were out but the guilty look on your face and the fact that you haven't run over excited to see us gives you away.
The same thing when i pick up an empty cat bowl and you look away with your nose in the air, you've been with us for 4 years...we know your guilty face. Silly LuLu Lab!

Yes, that dog is playing with a ball in the park. It is not a crime. Just because you don't like to play ball doesn't mean you have to go charging towards them barking when they are chasing theirs. That is not how you make friends.

The cat is in your bed, i can see him, does not mean you are allowed on the sofa so stop staring from me to the empty seat next to me. You will not be told 'up'. If your that bothered get the cat off your bed, you realise you are bigger than him and he will move if you attempt to sit!

So funny!

Lara2 Sun 24-Mar-13 10:43:18

Yes that's your human brother coming down the stairs so you don't need to bark at him, especially now you're 9 and have known him your whole life! It's still him, he didn't go upstairs and morph into some stranger!

That tiny creature is a mouse. It is smaller than your paw, and is not going to tear you limb from limb. Stop backing away from it - you look really stupid running away from a mouse, ddog1 (38kg of brown lab vs 38g of mouse).

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