(35 Posts)
doublemocha Mon 12-Nov-12 09:48:54


Lots of you will have read my posts last week about crate training our new puppy.

I took him back to the breeder yesterday.

Rhinestone was right, I wasn't prepared. I thought I was prepared, I thought I had read all that I could, spent time with the breed, talked to breeders etc, agreed with work to wfh etc. but I wasn't. I have always been a 'coper', people laugh at me for it, just getting on with it and not flapping, having the DC never bothered me. DH has mental health issues and I deal with stuff when he's bad. So I wasn't prepared for feeling so overwhelmed, it was an alien feeling to me. By the weekend I was having panic attacks, which I have never experienced before (still having them now for gawd's sake, how pathetic is that?!). I read all your posts talling me to 'calm down', you were all right, I did need to calm down, completely I did but I didn't seem to be able to. I read all that I could and got myself in such a stress.

So we did the right thing for him and took him back while he has the opportunity to find a loving, decent home before he got too late for him. DH insisted on that and fair enough.

I am not proud of myself in any way at all for doing this to him and to my family. I am not proud of my inability to just get on with it. I guess that I could have just not posted again, but I wanted to say thanks for your support last week and, if people search this thread thinking of getting a new puppy, just to let them know to think seriously. The reality is not for everyone.

Thanks again.

Rhinestone Mon 12-Nov-12 10:53:19

I'm not at all surprised by this but am very sorry to have been right. I'm afraid you came across as completely unprepared, despite your protestations to the contrary.

As much as people buying a puppy and then giving up after a few days angers me, I think you're done the right thing. You just don't sound like a dog-friendly household and I don't think you'd have been able to give pup the life he deserved. So for realising this sooner rather than later, you've done the right thing.

I sincerely hope that pup finds a better home very soon.

BeerTricksPott3r Mon 12-Nov-12 11:10:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ijustwant8hours Mon 12-Nov-12 11:40:09

Hugs DM, you must be really upset. It must have been a really hard thing to decide to do. Be nice to yourself x

doublemocha Mon 12-Nov-12 12:02:46

Ijustwant8hours - thanks, that's kind. I am beating myself up really badly for getting something so terribly wrong that involves a living thing. Kind of feel that I deserve to feel like that though and will work through those feelings eventually.

I am not suggesting that this would have been the right thing for us at all, but I didn't even remotely think of rescue dogs until I started reading threads in the doghouse and by then we had paid the deposit on our puppy etc. I had the outdated notion of resuce dogs having issues that we, as first timers wouldn't be able to hande (oh, the irony!)

But, just for anyone who reads this thread at any point and was considering a dog, had I done things differently, I would have researched this more, that's all. There might have been a different outcome.

I am just really sorry, that's all.

punter Mon 12-Nov-12 12:08:55

Yes you must be feeling down about this but you did the right thing. We had to return a rescue dog back to Battersea last year because her behaviour towards our other (also rescue) older dog was not acceptable. Although we had gone through the whole visiting with him and them getting together at Battersea etc. Just was not right. I wept all the way home and felt so guilty. My more down to earth sister said that the dog would have seen it as a nice little holiday. She was re-homed successfully.
That's the reason we got a puppy this time - want to know that his behaviour is up to us not unknown. But it is bloody hard work! Good luck for the future

SpicyPear Mon 12-Nov-12 12:22:25

Hi doublemocha. I am sorry to hear this but it sounds as though it is for the best. Before I had a dog myself I would have been much more judgmental about it but I think it is possible to read and read and read and still not realise what you are letting yourself in for. I'm not a fan of a lot of puppy books I've been reading recently for this reason - they make it sound like some kind of process whereby you program your puppy like a computer to do the right things. In reality a living thing is not as simple. If you're of an anxious disposition the strict advice can fill you with fear about doing it wrong to the point of not being able to respond appropriately to your own individual puppy's needs and training requirements!

Lots of people who have puppies manage to keep them not because they were prepared, but because they don't take enough interest in their dogs' training and psychology to be concerned with whether they are doing it wrong. Your posts demonstrate your good intentions. Plus you came back to post to help other people and puppies when you could have disappeared. At least having researched your breeder you had the option to return him for rehoming and hopefully someone on a waiting list will snap him up.

LadyTurmoil Mon 12-Nov-12 14:04:51

Hi doublemocha You are not pathetic! As others have said, you did the right thing but try not to be too down on yourself about it. Easier said than done, I know, but as seen in many threads here, having a puppy is emotionally and physically draining. You prepared yourself as best you could but it didn't work out. How wonderful if everything in life worked out as we wanted but it doesn't. It sounds like you have a busy, busy life as it is and the best thing is that the breeder will find a new home very quickly. It will take you time to get over the experience just try to think of it as a learning curve kind of thing and not a failure. In time, you may decide to try again and it will be better. Lots of hugs x

LadyTurmoil Mon 12-Nov-12 14:07:11

Owning a dog isn't for everyone and I wish more people would realise that. Yeah, but how do you know that until you try? It's easy to say have a friend's dog for a weekend/week, foster a dog but I think the feelings of responsibility and commitment are very different when it's not your dog to start with. You know you'll be giving it back at the end of the allotted time so you don't feel the panic/stress of long-term dog commitment that can strike.

bergedorf Mon 12-Nov-12 14:31:54

Just to echo what others have said. You did the right thing and you did it quickly enough that your puppy should find new owners soon. I'm so sorry you had such a terrible time, and I absolutely think you did everything you could have done to prepare yourself and your family for a puppy. Sometimes things just don't work out. Give yourself a cup of tea and some peace of mind.

Rhinestone Mon 12-Nov-12 14:54:35

LadyTurmoil I'm really rather stunned at a couple of your comments,

In time you may decide to try again...

...how do you know that [owning a dog isn't for everyone] until you try...

A dog isn't a vaguely interesting hobby to try to see if you like it and then decide isn't for you at this time but you'll maybe dip in again in the future.

You were pretty snotty to me on the other thread but I had the pup's best interests at heart and even the OP (who was also a bit disparaging towards me) now admits I was right. I'm not getting any pleasure out of this, i wish I'd been wrong.

But some of us who work in rescue deal with the fall out of attitudes like yours and it's not acceptable quite frankly.

Lougle Mon 12-Nov-12 15:26:28

doublemocha thank you for updating. I'm very sad to see that your puppy was returned, but glad that you took the decision at 10 weeks rather than 10 months.

Puppy and dog ownership is so hard, but that's why the joy is so intense when the work pays off.

I hope the breeder is able to find a more suitable home for your puppy.

Ephiny Mon 12-Nov-12 15:51:32

I haven't seen the other thread, but I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. But as others have said, I'm glad to see you went through a responsible breeder who was willing to take the pup back - a good example of why this is so important.

Personally I think a calm, well-trained adult rescue dog is often the best and easiest option for inexperienced or first-time dog owners. Many will disagree though.

LookBehindYou Mon 12-Nov-12 16:04:15

Rhinestone, give it a rest.

Brilliant news OP that the breeder took your puppy back. It's better to realise sooner rather than later. And perhaps this was all too much now but you never know what the future will bring.

LookBehindYou Mon 12-Nov-12 16:05:36

And for what it's worth I thought you were doing fine - just overthinking everything. Plenty of non expert dog owners get on brilliantly. A learning curve isn't a bad thing.

Floralnomad Mon 12-Nov-12 16:11:15

From reading some of the threads on here I think some people/ families are just not suited to dog ownership , better that you found out sooner rather than later . IMO and it is just MO I think to have a puppy you need to
A. Really ,really want one
B. be fairly laid back and not prone to stress
C. Have all the family on side before you start
D. Be realistic about what puppies do i.e poo, wee , chew and disrupt your life and don't expect any of the above to improve too quickly , that way you'll be pleasantly surprised if they sleep through the night and stop messing in your house in the short term.

Rhinestone Mon 12-Nov-12 16:13:21

Lookbehindyou any particular reason you think you have the right to tell me what I can and can't post about?

Do people normally scuttle around doing what you tell them?

I don't think rhinstone is posting anything wrong.

I also work with a rescue and I foster dogs as well.

The type of "try it out and see if you like it" attitude is the reason there are so many dogs in rescue and for someone who works with these dogs, that type of attitude is infuriating tbh.

Yes, the op did the right thing. I'm glad age did it now, not after 6 months.
Hopefully it will be fairly easy to rehome the pup.

But it should make people think long and hard as to whether their lives are compatible with puppies before they "give it a go"

BeerTricksPott3r Mon 12-Nov-12 16:18:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LookBehindYou Mon 12-Nov-12 16:19:33

You might have had some valid points Rhinestone but you came across as judgemental. It was obvious that the OP has a challenging homelife and I think you could have approached it differently. She had done her homework and found a breeder that would take the puppy back. She has been responsible.

Rhinestone Mon 12-Nov-12 16:25:40

Yes I'm judgemental of people who treat dogs as something disposable, that you can take back if, after 'giving it a go', it turns out it wasn't for you.

If you read the other thread, I was the one who suggested she take it back. I researched the breed for her and also offered suggestions that may have helped her and continued to do so. I would have carried on if she'd shown the slightest interest in the advice I was giving her.

Yes, it is obvious that she has a challenging home life. Shame she didn't take this into account. And no, she has NOT been responsible.

So don't you dare tell me to give it a rest.

LookBehindYou Mon 12-Nov-12 16:34:26

She thought she would cope and it turns out she couldn't. Hardly the crime of the century. Now that the OP knows what is involved she might try again with a far more realistic view and do well.

Sorry it came to this, OP. As I said on your other thread, I found having a puppy very different in reality to what I thought it would be like and also struggled with my anxiety about it all. It's a shame it didn't work out for you, but I'm glad the breeder took him back and he didn't end up in rescue. I made a different choice to you and managed to persevere, but it wasn't easy. I am now the dog walker who tries to put people off when they approach me and the nutjob spaniel on walks going 'Awwwwww!'. I'm all 'Aw? Really? How do you feel about ANAL GLANDS? Oh, and this cute dog? Scared of other dogs. Tries to bite their face off. Oh, and he chews the crotch out of everyone's pants.' There has been an outbreak of working cocker/collie pups around my way, and already I know of two that have been rehomed because the owners bit off more than they could chew. So did I, really, but I was able to adapt.

Er, I meant 'adapt' as in my routine, rather than 'I am so superior and changed my thinking.' I didn't. I still have days when I inwardly weep as I trudge around yet another muddy field trying to wear the little sod out.

LookBehindYou Mon 12-Nov-12 16:45:39

Oh yuck. Anal glands. Nobody ever tells you about that.

They really don't, Look <sad face>

BeerTricksPott3r Mon 12-Nov-12 16:47:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LookBehindYou Mon 12-Nov-12 16:53:09

Are you saying BeerTricks that the OP should not try again for the whole of her life? Do you not think that her circumstances might change or that she might have success with a different age/breed? Have you written her off forever? That's rather extreme.

BeerTricksPott3r Mon 12-Nov-12 16:58:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doublemocha Mon 12-Nov-12 17:08:29

Thank you for your replies, it is appreciated, supportive or not! I don't want to start a fight. I messed around with an animals life and that wasn't fair. I am deeply, deeply sorry for this circumstance.

To prepare I read as much as I could (and ended up confusing and doubting myself), I talked to three breeders, I spent a lot of time with our friends Vizsla, I grilled them about how hard it was, I went on a breed specific website. I changed my working hours to wfh. I went on a waiting list. I thought I could overcome the challenges our life had in it.

What I didn't do - failed to truly grasp everything maybe and didn't have the confidence to try my own approach, thought it through too much and didn't know how to handle the panic attacks (which I haven't ever had before). Felt I 'couldn't do it'.

There's some great advice on here and it is much appreciated.

I thought I could cope I and didn't.

LookBehindYou Mon 12-Nov-12 17:12:49

OP, the puppy will be fine. Don't beat yourself up about this anymore. Perhaps though you should take this as a warning that you're reaching the end of your tether and go and talk to someone.

SpicyPear Mon 12-Nov-12 18:03:07

Hi double. I hope you don't mind me chiming in as you did come here to post about the dog, but I just wanted to second LBY. From the details you've posted here you have an awful lot to contend with in your life. You indicate that you pride yourself on being a "coper", but now you are having panic attacks, a sign of severe anxiety. Having been through something similar myself in the past I'd just gently suggest that maybe you need to take care of yourself for a bit. You are human, you don't always have to "cope".

LadyTurmoil Tue 13-Nov-12 00:47:18

To everyone on this thread. I was trying not to be judgemental and, again, I would say How wonderful if everything in life worked out as we wanted but it doesn't. I certainly don't have the attitude that a dog/puppy is something disposable, to try out and return if it's not what you expected. But you have to agree that puppies are particularly challenging at times. Doublemocha obviously did as much "homework" as she possibly could and came to a very, very difficult decision that people agree was the best one in her circumstances. I just don't agree, as LBY pointed out, that she should be written off as a potential dog owner for the rest of her life because of this one traumatic event. As I said before, it would be wonderful if life always worked out as we wanted, but it DOESN'T. Good luck doublemocha and please take care of yourself.

tipsycat Tue 13-Nov-12 13:17:52

Hi Doublemocha, as the owner of a 12 month viszler, I can understand the decision you have made. Our viszler is lovely, but has taken much more effort to housetrain than our previous dog (labrador). We also researched the breed, and were experienced dog owners, but have found that our Viszler is more of a challenge than we expected. We love him to bits, and as I am at home most of the time, we have managed. I would not recommend the breed to inexperienced owners. You have done the right thing, take it easy!

spudballoo Tue 13-Nov-12 20:37:21

I'm so sorry to hear what a rough time it's been. I do sympathise. I have an 8 mth old puppy and, like you, did all the research, read all the books, found the right breeder, waited until I'd stopped working etc etc. The reality was quite shocking, and actually he's been an 'easy' puppy. It put such a strain on me, and our family relations too. And that's without a DH with a kind of issues yours has.

You've been honest and brave by letting the breeder take the puppy back, and by coming back here to say what's happened. I'm sorry you're now getting a bit of a ticking off which you don't need, sounds like you're doing that to yourself. It's very unfortunate of course, but these things happen an a 10 week old puppy from a good breeder will be snapped up.

I do love my puppy to bits, but there have been times (many times) when I have really wondered if I've done the right thing and it's really, really got me down at times. My children are at school but I'd not, for example, really thought through walking the dog in the holidays. My boys are very young and can't/won't walk too far, but that doesn't work for the dog. Just a small example.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that i'm sorry things didn't work out but I'm sure you've done the right thing for your family. And that your honesty is admirable.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now