How to deal with pet euthanasia and children?

[Canshopwillshop]

We need to make the kindest/hardest decision for our 13 year old lab who has recently been diagnosed with a bone tumour . DH and I are upset enough but the thought of telling DD who is 9 and 7 year old DS who is particularly besotted with her, is particularly challenging. Do we tell them beforehand so that they can say goodbye (but how to explain making that choce?) or do we say that she died at the vets in the course of an operation or what?

[WonderIfThingsWillChange]

When I was 8 my parents took our dog to the vets to be put to sleep and I didn't find out until the evening. I was devastated. I loved our dog, he had always been around. The part that upset me the most was not being given the chance to say goodbye.

With my DS who is now 7 but was 5 at the time I had our cat PTS due to renal failure I did tell him beforehand and we read a few child friendly books which seemed to help.

Sorry you are going through this, I know how upsetting it can be. DS seemed to cope much better than me but it was a few weeks later that he really started to miss him. We also went through some photos and he chose one he wanted to put in a frame in his bedroom etc

[bakingtins]

I'd tell them so they have chance to say goodbye, take last photos etc. Say she's in a lot of pain and can't enjoy her life any more. I'd avoid the euphemism 'put to sleep' as it can make children anxious about going to sleep themselves. Say the vet will give an injection to end her life peacefully. If you say she died under anaesthetic that's going to make them super-anxious if a subsequent pet has to be neutered etc.
I'm a vet so mainly see this from the other side of the table, but when my own old girl was euthanased last year it really helped the children (and me) to hold a little funeral - we had return of ashes but you could equally well bury a memory box of her collar, photo, drawing etc. I was surprised how hard it hit me, particularly as it was the end of a long illness so not unexpected. I spent a few evenings crying over old photos.
Sorry for your loss, OP

[WonderIfThingsWillChange]

Good point about being put to sleep...if they ever needed an operation and the doctors explained they would be asleep for op they may think they won't survive.

[mrslaughan]

we had a cat who had heart failure, we were able to give him a good quality of life with drugs, but this was always only going to be for a short time.
Right from the outset we explained that he was very unwell, and may die at any time. There were a number of times that he had to be rushed to the vets, each time we explained the vet may not be able to "cure" him, he may not come home.
We eventually had to make the decision to PTS as quite rapidly he lost his quality of life - we didn't talk to the kids about the decision to PTS, but explained that we had had to take him to see the vet - and this time they could not save him, and he had headed to heaven/crossed rainbow bridge (can't remember which description we used).
They were sad , but actually coped with it really well. I think knowing he had been unwell, and the preparation we had done made it easier. DC were 3 and 7.
I think you need to judge their maturity. I know when I was about 10 our family Golden Lab had to be PTS - my parents were very upfront about it (mortality, that he would have to be PTS one day, and that it was the ultimate kindness we could do for our pets kind of thing) - he had been in decline with terrible arthritis and had lost a lot of his mobility. I knew it was coming (PTS ), but they didn't tell me it was happening that day and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye....I was very very upset about that. It was awful actually, I think my Mum thought my Dad had told me, and my Dad thought my Mum had......what had probably happened , was Mum, not being able to bear to tell me, had assigned the job to my Dad who bottled on it.......
I am not sure I have been much help.....the only thing I would say is that in my experience they will be led by you......how you talk about it, react to it etc.
Do they know your Ddog is sick?

[moosemama]

So sorry to hear about your dog. We lost our Oldgirl to bone cancer last year at just shy of 14 years old and it's a truly evil disease.

My dcs were 11, 9 and 4 and we were open and honest from as soon as she was diagnosed. We explained that she was in a lot of pain, that the medicines we were giving her were helping to keep her comfortable, but she would reach a point where they wouldn't work anymore and she would be in constant, serious pain, so the vet would help her die, rather than letting her suffer like that. We explained that she would die soon anyway, but that she would experience a great deal of pain first, so it was kindest for us to make the decision not to letter her suffer and ask the vet to help her pass sooner. We also had to tell them that she might fracture her leg at any moment, so they had to be really careful around her. We all had a good cry and each of us had some quiet time with her over the next few days.

Our intention was to tell them before we took her to be pts, so they could all say a last goodby, but as it happens, when we took her in for an xray to check for lung mets they discovered that, not only was she riddled with mets, her leg had broken right through and we had no choice but to pts there and then. The dcs had known we were taking her in that day and were upset, obviously, but had already had chance to come to terms with the fact she would be gone soon and each had had some time to sit quietly, stroking her gently and talking to her, so I guess they'd already said their goodbyes really.

We took her ashes to her favourite beach during our Summer holiday and scattered them there, making a special trip in the evening so it was quiet and private. The only one who got upset at that was my youngest (dd aged 5) and that was because her eldest brother was rather insensitive with his language about what we were doing, but as he has ASD, it wasn't really his fault and once we'd had a good talk and given her chance to cry and let it out she was ok again.

A year down the line, we still miss her, the dcs still talk about her often, but we are able to look at photographs together and remember the good times fondly.

I wish you lots of strength through this difficult time.

[LEMmingaround]

So sorry you are going through this. Its bloody crap!

Iots of really great advice here. I would maybe say to the children that dogs really only live 12 ish of our years and that your dog has had a full life and happy life with you. That it is her time and if she stays longer she will be sad and in pain that you wont be able to make better.

Ive lost a dog to bone cancer. Its a bastard disease and you are making the right decision. Just so sorry you have to :(

[Canshopwillshop]

Thank you all. I am sat here in tears - I don't want to make this decision :-( She had awful diarroeah in the night (probably all the painkillers). My DC know she is poorly and DS was asking lots of questions this morning - I think he knows its serious. He actually said, if she has to die, will you tell me? I will talk to vet today. I am hoping we can keep her until tomorrow evening when I will tell the children and they can say goodbye and they will have the weekend to process what's happened.

[Rowgtfc72]

Dd was six when old jack Russell was pts last December. We explained he was very old, poorly and that this was a kind thing we could do. We went to the vets and she fussed the dog and said goodbye. The lovely receptionist offered to mind her if I wanted to go in with the old boy which I didn't, and said she would watch her if I went in after, she also had lots of tissues!
She asked to go in with me after, found the old boy was still warm with his eyes open and she gave him a cuddle so he could go to sleep. The vet nurse said she had read our dog the goodbye note dd had written him and she would make sure the note would stay with him.
She is a bright kid and wanted to know what would happen next so we explained cremation on her level. She was very pleased to hear his ashes would be scattered on a big field where he could run with other dogs and chase cats.
I appreciate not all kids like or can cope with all the facts, you know your own children. Dd needs information.
Very sorry this is something you have to do.

[Canshopwillshop]

Thanks Rowgtfc - your approach sounds sensible and my DC would be able to deal with it. They need information and I can't just gloss over the facts however much I want to. We are telling them after school today and then will be taking our lovely old girl to the vet at the end of surgery . I just want today to be over!

[Flexibilityisquay]

I am sorry to hear about your dog. I think you are right to be 100% honest with the children in an age appropriate way. I believe very strongly that having pets means facing the unpleasant realities, as well as the nice bits.

When my old dog had a stroke and had to be PTS the vet came to the house. DS was about 4 and was there with me. It was very peaceful. He stoked her and talked to her when it was done. Afterwards he was very matter of fact about the whole thing, although he did talk about her a lot. I think children are tougher than we often think, and cope well generally as long as they understand what is happening.

[Canshopwillshop]

Thanks flexibility.

[stealthsquiggle]

I was honest with the DC (6 and 10 at the time) and they said goodbye to AncientCat in the morning knowing that she wasn't going to be there when she got home.

The fact that it was the right decision was underlined when we lost our young cat a few days ago - run over on the road. DS (now 11) is still absolutely in bits, and will be for some time. He talks about AncientCat with fond regret, but has no bad memories of the actual process IYSWIM. I think if they had not been able to say goodbye they would focus on that rather than moving quickly to happy memories.

[Vacillating]

It's sad but yes time to say by- actually we took our children with us. The actual PTS moment is gentle and then they had time to cuddle.

[stealthsquiggle]

Also - I don't know what your vets are like, but ours came out and did it at home so that she was in her own bed (AncientCat loathed cars and probably would have died, miserably, on the way if I had tried to take her to the vets).

[GoldenGoat]

With the family dog, I wasn't told until after. However she took a sudden turn for the worse and I was away so they didn't want her to suffer until I got back nor tell me while I was away so they took her to be PTS then called me so I know it was the right decision but I loved her and I was heartbroken.

With both the rabbit and the guinea pig it was an open discussion of the reasons and I went along, held both of them in the box in the car and cuddled them both before but I wasn't allowed in the room during the procedure.

Can't recall ages for all of them but teens for dog, probably around the age of your DCs for the rabbit and guinea pig.

I think they'd appreciate being included and getting the chance to say goodbye.

Wishing you well, I know it's a hard thing to do

[momnipotent]

I was honest with my DC, I could barely get the words out for crying myself but I told them what was happening and why, and we all had a little cry and they said their good byes before I took our old boy to the vet. They recovered almost right away, one year later and I am sat here in tears at the memory of that day.

Cancer is a bastard disease.

[Owllady]

I agree with flexibility. I have tried to involve mine as much as possible as I think it's important they know what happens. I actually only had my then 12 year old with me last year when she had to be pts and he decided to leave the room before it actually happened, but I would rather he made that choice himself iykwim
It's devastating, I'm so sorry.

[Canshopwillshop]

Just to update you, we told the DC after school on Friday. We said she was very poorly, her leg was causing a lot of pain and the vet couldn't help her any more so we had to make a really hard decision. They were very upset and gave old lab lots of cuddles and some treats and told her how much they loved her. They both said after that they were really glad that they knew before she was taken to the vet. I also have the handholding thread going on this so apologies for repeating to anyone and thanks for your kind words.