Proper masterchef Pt2

(1000 Posts)
CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:32:29

New thread.

DuffyMoon Thu 03-Apr-14 20:33:50


Halsall Thu 03-Apr-14 20:33:56

Hooray. The samphire truck has called again I see.

Bornin1984 Thu 03-Apr-14 20:34:08

< >

DuffyMoon Thu 03-Apr-14 20:34:37

Uk seashores must be bare !

cremolafoam Thu 03-Apr-14 20:34:45

Fish and pears- hold the salt

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:34:45

Poached pears.

Halsall Thu 03-Apr-14 20:34:52

I hope he's going to salt those pears

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:35:06

He'd better salt his pears, or I'll be disappointed.

Halsall Thu 03-Apr-14 20:35:28


I want to see the raw meat one.

Halsall Thu 03-Apr-14 20:36:11

I thought she said peasant breasts. To go with her figs.

Oh no, she's the raw meat person! Pity because I like her.

DuffyMoon Thu 03-Apr-14 20:36:20

Pears n samphire ... 2 birds one stone wink

cremolafoam Thu 03-Apr-14 20:36:33

Figs quince game.
Liking Angela

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:37:21


TSSDNCOP Thu 03-Apr-14 20:37:37

Evening all.

Did I miss a memo that said this years plate smear would be replaced by figs?

Halsall Thu 03-Apr-14 20:37:43

I bet crumbs are the main element of that 'pannacrumble'

cremolafoam Thu 03-Apr-14 20:37:44

Pannacrumble- you saw it here first
What were those condom meat things?

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:38:17

Figs with a crumb, and some sea bass ideally. All on the same plate, obviously!

Bornin1984 Thu 03-Apr-14 20:38:38

I do like lamb

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:39:11

I thought the point of pannacotta was that it was very smooth. I think the crumble thing is exactly what you don't want on your custard jelly.

cremolafoam Thu 03-Apr-14 20:39:53

Kerayzee Tim

Halsall Thu 03-Apr-14 20:39:57

Edible flowers agaiiiiiiiiiiiiin. So passé.

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:40:00

Tim again. Bleurgh.

Halsall Thu 03-Apr-14 20:40:47

Tim seems to be wearing Gregg's sweater.

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:40:52

It looks like oliver has left finger marks in his fish.

cremolafoam Thu 03-Apr-14 20:41:36

Sale at Jacomo

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:42:04

It does actually look nice.

And bacon always improves a potato croquette!

DuffyMoon Thu 03-Apr-14 20:42:24

creamola arf

Bornin1984 Thu 03-Apr-14 20:42:31

Prawns with heads on scare me

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:42:47

I hate frangipani too.

Halsall Thu 03-Apr-14 20:42:59

I quite like that bitter and twisted man. He's wonderfully gloomy.

Bornin1984 Thu 03-Apr-14 20:43:12

Should have been on a square plate

cremolafoam Thu 03-Apr-14 20:43:59

Oliver done good

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:44:12

I like gloomy man too. Nothing like a bit of gloom.

cremolafoam Thu 03-Apr-14 20:44:44

Where's the cod? Minuscule

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:44:48

This also looks like actual food.

Bornin1984 Thu 03-Apr-14 20:45:13

Looks like ratatouille with mash!!

Halsall Thu 03-Apr-14 20:45:24

Just wait till they try the salted pears.

Bornin1984 Thu 03-Apr-14 20:45:57

Blow torch!!

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:46:07

Salted pear Alaska!

cremolafoam Thu 03-Apr-14 20:46:13

Ooh blow torch action

cremolafoam Thu 03-Apr-14 20:46:44

I actually want that

Bornin1984 Thu 03-Apr-14 20:47:12

That pear look nice

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:47:21

And it has hazelnut crumb down there.

Ellenora5 Thu 03-Apr-14 20:47:30

I'm only in have I missed much, any major calamities grin that desert looks yummy, bloody mouth almighty Tim again

Oh I really hate Tim.

Dear dear. Pheasant fail.

Halsall Thu 03-Apr-14 20:48:15

Time for the traditional disaster.

cremolafoam Thu 03-Apr-14 20:48:26

Raw meat shaky hands disaster alert

DuffyMoon Thu 03-Apr-14 20:48:28

Is that pheasant still flapping ?

Bornin1984 Thu 03-Apr-14 20:48:51

Sorry - bit distracted by soon to be ds1 kicking the ipadof my tummy lol

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:48:58

She sounds like she's about to cry.

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:49:35

Ellen: you timed it just in time for the disaster.

cremolafoam Thu 03-Apr-14 20:49:58

Oh Angela don't cry pet!
Bring on the figs

Halsall Thu 03-Apr-14 20:50:25

Figs are ALWAYS the star of the show on Masterchef.


CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:50:26

I would be so disappointed with plate of figs for pud.

DuffyMoon Thu 03-Apr-14 20:50:34

Bornin ... Ds1 to be not a pheasant fan ?

Bornin1984 Thu 03-Apr-14 20:51:16

Tim is An arrogant cock

Bornin1984 Thu 03-Apr-14 20:52:05

Lamb looks lovely

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:52:20

Is that raw lamb in crispy skin?

Bornin1984 Thu 03-Apr-14 20:52:30

Portion control is shocking!!!

cremolafoam Thu 03-Apr-14 20:52:42

Ah pancetta condom!

Call Heath and Safety

DuffyMoon Thu 03-Apr-14 20:52:48

Fetch the vet...there's still hope

Halsall Thu 03-Apr-14 20:53:14

Bring on those crumbs

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:53:33

Arf at Duffy. grin

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:54:02

Splodge with crumbs.

DuffyMoon Thu 03-Apr-14 20:54:08


cremolafoam Thu 03-Apr-14 20:54:21

Apple Splat ( with crumbs)

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:54:24

And 2ml of sauce to go with it.

Bornin1984 Thu 03-Apr-14 20:55:23

Bye Joel

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:55:50

My kids would love those croquettes for dinner.

cremolafoam Thu 03-Apr-14 20:55:50

Oliver through

DuffyMoon Thu 03-Apr-14 20:56:05

Ollie and david it is

Ellenora5 Thu 03-Apr-14 20:56:28

I think I did Calamitously smile

Halsall Thu 03-Apr-14 20:56:32

Joel & Angela to go?

cremolafoam Thu 03-Apr-14 20:56:45

M&S do bacon croquettes sometimes. Nom

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:57:43

Why are they pretending it's not completely obvious who should go through?

Halsall Thu 03-Apr-14 20:57:57


CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:57:59


DuffyMoon Thu 03-Apr-14 20:57:59

Ooooo a twist

I guessed that! Woo!

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:58:38

Poor Joel. Although raw lamb and splodge-o-crumble were a clear loser.

Ellenora5 Thu 03-Apr-14 20:58:52

Ah thought it would be him, so it will be five tomorrow then

cremolafoam Thu 03-Apr-14 20:59:03


DuffyMoon Thu 03-Apr-14 20:59:23

Well done win a kilo of samphire and a fig

Bornin1984 Thu 03-Apr-14 20:59:41

See you tomorrow!

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 20:59:53

Does anyone in the world want a second helping of Greg?

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 21:00:11

Just one fig?

Halsall Thu 03-Apr-14 21:00:13

There's no bloody escape from Gregg on BBC1 tonight.

cremolafoam Thu 03-Apr-14 21:00:24

< loses all hope of melted chocolate>

Thanks Duffy. I'll have that three ways please with a redwine foam please.

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 21:00:28

How do you do figs three ways with one solitary fig?


He's still on my screen!!! <scream>

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 03-Apr-14 21:01:54

Comedy Central has bad Santa on, for some bizarre reason. Even Christmas films in April might be preferable to extra greg.

Halsall Thu 03-Apr-14 21:02:22

A demain!

CalamitouslyWrong Fri 04-Apr-14 19:44:55

I will be watching marvel's agent's of shield with DS1 at 8 so I will try to join you for the tail end of masterchef tonight.

Bornin1984 Fri 04-Apr-14 20:29:25


Halsall Fri 04-Apr-14 20:29:47

Anyone watching?

Halsall Fri 04-Apr-14 20:30:20

Ah, evening, Born!


cremolafoam Fri 04-Apr-14 20:31:25

Bonsoir MES petits asperges

Bornin1984 Fri 04-Apr-14 20:31:47

That looks blurghhh


cremolafoam Fri 04-Apr-14 20:32:49

Is he actually teaching us how to make toast now

That looks grim!

Halsall Fri 04-Apr-14 20:33:16

'I'm rolling my hot, split toast on the board'

Euphemism, much?

Bornin1984 Fri 04-Apr-14 20:33:30

Only 30mins tonight

cremolafoam Fri 04-Apr-14 20:33:34

Let's play Grey Pate roulette

Halsall Fri 04-Apr-14 20:35:22

OK, yup, Liver Chicken Pate

God knows what I would create in this situation. Toast, probably.

cremolafoam Fri 04-Apr-14 20:36:33

We have lambs liver from Sophia

Have I seen a piping bag of grainy grey paste?

Bornin1984 Fri 04-Apr-14 20:37:01

These looks like something that comes from somebody's arse!!!

cremolafoam Fri 04-Apr-14 20:38:25

Michaels looks like chocolate mousse

Halsall Fri 04-Apr-14 20:38:28

It certainly ain't photogenic

cremolafoam Fri 04-Apr-14 20:40:51

Yeh Michael doing it with hindsight would indeed be easier

Bornin1984 Fri 04-Apr-14 20:41:25

Not feeling this pate stuff at all

cremolafoam Fri 04-Apr-14 20:43:06

I like knobbly bits on my melbasmile

cremolafoam Fri 04-Apr-14 20:43:36

Dh has just said
Here comes Family Guy

coffeeinbed Fri 04-Apr-14 20:45:52

Sophia reminds me very much of Sophie Raworth.
A very very deep voice as well.
Shame about the lambs liver.

cremolafoam Fri 04-Apr-14 20:45:56

Focaccia four ways.
Ah heritage carrots

Bornin1984 Fri 04-Apr-14 20:46:41

Salad Ffs

cremolafoam Fri 04-Apr-14 20:47:46

Yy sophie raworth grin
Not a fig in sight

Bornin1984 Fri 04-Apr-14 20:48:13

No john doing
The rounds there ....

cremolafoam Fri 04-Apr-14 20:48:45

Sous vide bingo!

coffeeinbed Fri 04-Apr-14 20:50:52

I once had a scallop and grapefruit thingie in France.
It was horrible.

Halsall Fri 04-Apr-14 20:50:55

It's not a trio, it's a QUARTET of crab.

Bornin1984 Fri 04-Apr-14 20:53:21

The lady is
Going through

JustAboutAdeqeuate Fri 04-Apr-14 20:54:45

I got lost! Thanks bornin1984 smile

No figs but masses of Things in Ways to make up for it, hooray.

I quite like Charles Campion. Better than old Round Plates by far.

Bornin1984 Fri 04-Apr-14 20:54:59

The fish lady even

cremolafoam Fri 04-Apr-14 20:56:07

Dill jelly may be going back to Stockholm

CalamitouslyWrong Fri 04-Apr-14 20:56:20

I am here to catch the decision but missed it all. It sounds less than thrilling.

Bornin1984 Fri 04-Apr-14 20:56:45

Was crap calam

Halsall Fri 04-Apr-14 20:57:01

So long Oliver and your 'moves'

CalamitouslyWrong Fri 04-Apr-14 20:57:16

Yeah. A quick scan through of your comments suggests that.

Halsall Fri 04-Apr-14 20:57:56

Distinctly underwhelming.

Ellenora5 Fri 04-Apr-14 21:07:49

Not very impressed (not that I could do better and that's why I'm not on it) but.....vegetables....really....well I could bloody well do that if I had too

I like crab lady but I think I should remember her name, crab lady isn't very flattering

Venison man knows what he is doing

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 19:15:00

Hoping for some samphire and fig three ways with a crumb or two tonight. grin

(Or possibly bumping the thread)

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:01:47

It looks like something has a square or Turkish delight on it. Let's hope it's a savoury dish.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:02:23


Here we go with the Calling cards

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:03:09

Marriage = cooking every day
Oh I knew I was going wrong

Bornin1984 Wed 09-Apr-14 20:03:19


I'm watching g from hospital

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:03:27

Evening Cremola.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:03:35

Puff...pant...made it...

Evening all

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:03:49

Oh Bornin- u ok?shock

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:04:01

And born. Terrible neck tattoo here.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:04:04

Two way !!

Bornin1984 Wed 09-Apr-14 20:04:17

We're just being observed until bibs comes x

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:04:44

Fuckin raspberry ?

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:05:01

Witchcraft merchant?

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:05:10

Witchcraft merchant ...what the actual fuck

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:05:23

Waves at calam

Raspberry scallops

witchcraft merchant does heritage

Halsall Wed 09-Apr-14 20:05:50

Hello all, am on phone today so will mostly be mysteriously silent. But stating right away: 18thc woman is ver ver annoying.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:06:27

Jacks foaming

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:06:37

Pretentious wanker

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:07:05

I made pasta tonight. Actually made the pasta and everything. It was my wasting time with DS2 this afternoon activity.

Halsall Wed 09-Apr-14 20:07:35

I spy crumbs

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:08:36

Like jess

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:08:41

Did you deconstruct the pasta...serve it with samphire, figs n crumbs?

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:09:03

We have scallop and cauliflower!

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:09:32

Loves food. Check.
Witchcraft arsewankery merchant
No figs yet?
Oh hi all, been away.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:09:49

Vair impressed at pasta making.grin

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:09:51

I didn't deconstruct it, alas. Or serve it with a crumb.

I made spinach and ricotta tortellini.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:10:28

Gregg likes the crumbs

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:10:34

Bacon crumb on the scallop and cauliflower.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:10:48

HR specialist hmm

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:11:08

Micro herbs !!!!!

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:11:14

Foamy sauce with microherbs. I had neither of them either.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:11:15

I'd eat that. Dd says wanky jack is hot.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:11:16

Jacks foam looks like Heinz tomato soup shaken up

beanandspud Wed 09-Apr-14 20:11:45

I'm late! What have I missed? Pasta with pears? Figs with halibut? Boiled rice three ways?

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:12:03

Is she young ohwhat ?

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:12:04

He puréed the shells? Wtf

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:12:11

You dònt say. Areas for improvement: sauce o' shell

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:12:18


Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:12:37

16 Duffy

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:12:47

beans scallop n raspberry

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:12:50

You'd regret eating the shell sauce.

The biryani looked nice.

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:13:23

He's got it all really. Scallop, beet root, celeriac, black pudding. Raspberries.

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:14:00

Wtf is a witchcraft merchant?

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:14:03

16? She's allowed then grin

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:14:11

Samphire sorcerer

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:14:20

No samphire sadly.
Witchy woman has it all.

Bornin1984 Wed 09-Apr-14 20:14:26

Wtf is a celeriac apart from vomit

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:14:26

Samphire !!!!!

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:14:31

Yes too thin. And samphire to go with the 18th century tart.

Halsall Wed 09-Apr-14 20:14:48

Still reeling @ 'witchcraft merchant'.

She's cast a spell on JT

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:15:01

Nice description by Greg. Bad train station pastie.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:15:20

Blee- tapioca

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:15:29

This will be horrible. Flower stuffed with tapioca.

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:16:15

I don't think a sauce would have saved that. Not even a foam.

Halsall Wed 09-Apr-14 20:16:35

Oh god, the boxes now.....?

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:16:48

Boxes...cue reminding us of the very difficult concept

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:17:03

A celeriac is an ugly looking root veg that my children will not eat.

Bornin1984 Wed 09-Apr-14 20:17:03

ewe mussels

Theas18 Wed 09-Apr-14 20:17:18

@witchcraft merchant lololol!

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:17:23

Beetroot duck and coconutgrin

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:17:39

Why is there beet root in almost every box. He's making pickled beet root. Eurgh.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:18:02

Fucking beet root.

Halsall Wed 09-Apr-14 20:18:12

Gregg's noddy shots look increasingly effortful

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:18:31

I need the box concept explained again please. NOT

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:18:38

If a contestant whipped this up, they'd complain about too many ingredients on the plate and confusing their palates.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:19:23

Would getting your Adam's apple tattooed not really hurt

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:19:24

Not A Fucking Brioche again

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:19:37

Why is the meat always raw? I like rare but not raw.
The sweet box is a bit sparse.

TSSDNCOP Wed 09-Apr-14 20:19:47

I like beet root. If you eat enough it makes your poo pink blush

<looks around fearfully for AnyFucker and the thread police>

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:19:54

At least there are no eggs, so they can't do a bread and butter pudding.

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:20:31

I have some painkillers that make your wee pink.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:20:55

Where did BiryRani get her chapati

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:21:09

And Duffy, is it not a bit skew wiff?

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:21:34

Maybe she made it. I think they have a store cupboard which probably contains flour.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:22:41

Actually really inventive rani respect

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:22:43

It seems to be an omelette type thing. It probably tasted lovely.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:22:59

Guess the beetroot lorry got there first this week

Halsall Wed 09-Apr-14 20:23:01

Woo woman's beetroot looks daunting

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:23:02

Rani is through.
What has witchy poo made?

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:23:18

Did she use some of that guy's leftover raspberry sauce on the duck?

beanandspud Wed 09-Apr-14 20:23:34

I love beetroot but not sure about beetroot and ginger mush.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:23:35

That spell didn't work

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:23:43

Her beet root looked vile.

Burnt crisps.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:23:47

Honey mash !!!!!! Bleurgh

TSSDNCOP Wed 09-Apr-14 20:23:55

I draw the line at beet root and ginger, they're flogging bottles of that as smoothie in Pret and it tastes like evil.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:23:58

Plum sauce and mash? Boak

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:24:12

The sauce looks like the potato is sitting in an accident scene.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:24:37

Like mango mash innit.

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:24:49

More plum and mash. And burnt duck.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:24:51

I made beet root and ginger juice once. Tasted like soil.

TSSDNCOP Wed 09-Apr-14 20:25:03

Poor Peter, it's like kicking a puppy.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:25:14


LottieJenkins Wed 09-Apr-14 20:25:44

I think Witchy lady (who is freaking me out!) and the burnt duck guy will go!!

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:25:50

Jess's looks lovely.

Halsall Wed 09-Apr-14 20:25:54

More bloody crumb(le). Pah.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:25:55

Any fule kno crumble=loser

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:26:06

At least it's nice, john! Don't talk down nice food on masterchef.

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:26:32

Burnt pastry but raw apple?

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:26:49

Kin ell pretty boy is a bit adventurous.

TSSDNCOP Wed 09-Apr-14 20:27:40

I might have a teeny crush on Jack.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:27:49

Buddy hmm John is well down wid da kidz innit

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:28:08

Poor old Peter. They can't even be bothered saying why he's crap.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:28:32

@ Duffy

TSSDNCOP Wed 09-Apr-14 20:29:00

Woo woman will become very tedious if allowed to go through.

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:29:00

I would not be relishing another plate of food from she who flogs witchcraft.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:29:12

My future son in law TSS?
Fake fucking tension, tedious.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:29:13

Witch maybe away on her broomstick

coffeeinbed Wed 09-Apr-14 20:29:17

That was a fake smile if I ever saw one!

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:30:07

The raspberries and then plum and honey mash did for him with the bad neck tattoo.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:30:14

Tattooed neck man gone...

TSSDNCOP Wed 09-Apr-14 20:30:14

Not really a journey as such Peter. More like popping down the road a bit.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:30:39

Nice Jess through. She'll need to do "110%" now

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:30:57

Blank looks on faces there. Trying to hide the: 'who?'

TSSDNCOP Wed 09-Apr-14 20:31:01

Ohwhat are you my mum?


Halsall Wed 09-Apr-14 20:31:21

Oh God, Jackie! Was she the veggie woman, or am I misremembering?

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:31:44

We have small fancy carrots.

Pea purée.

I don't want my dessert to be floral. Ever.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:32:00

Heritage veg vans been then

beanandspud Wed 09-Apr-14 20:32:14

Mashed potato with popping candy?

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:32:32

Parsnip only two ways.

But deconstructed cheesecake!

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:32:35


Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:33:11

Come on jess, do something interesting.
Oooo fondant spuds, deconstruction, parsnip crisps. House!

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:33:20

Alright will be humping his leg in a minute

Halsall Wed 09-Apr-14 20:33:24

I think Gregg has a little man-crush on Jack. If he had hair he'd be tossing it right now.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:33:35

Jack has foamed to soon ; now deconstructing
jT thinks he's fantabulous

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:33:59

I'd rather have the curry than the deconstructed nonsense.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:34:01

Not one fucking fig....

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:34:35

I don't do things like that. John is no fun.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:34:37

I do rather like rani...I could listen to her talk all day

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:34:47

What's Harry Potter doing then

beanandspud Wed 09-Apr-14 20:34:48

I'm liking Rani, if she goes much further in the competition she's a dead cert for a BBC cooking programme.

beanandspud Wed 09-Apr-14 20:35:16

Fondant! bingo!

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:35:33

But were the berries foraged? They don't count if they're not foraged.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:35:36

Then they are blueberries...not heritage water berries hmm

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:35:55

She can't leave the beetroot alone

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:36:01

Harry potter is deconstructing shit.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:36:17

No TSS, DD called dibs on him early doors. grin (unless you are dd and secretly on mn. <goes upstairs to check! nope>
Water berries? Wtaf.
Oh fuck not jackie.

Halsall Wed 09-Apr-14 20:36:30

Thriving business = van

TSSDNCOP Wed 09-Apr-14 20:36:31

Oh god I can't stand this woman. That's what Witchy Woo will be like if she gets through.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:36:44

cremola grin

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:36:58

How is jakie going to taste the main courses?

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:37:19

Is that not destinii?

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:37:24

Jackie is philomena cunk innit

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:37:31

Peter is very red faced.

beanandspud Wed 09-Apr-14 20:37:51

Street food Van seems to be the preferred career path for Masterchef finalists.

I liked Peter though, he could never get his sauces right but came across as such a lovely chap.

Halsall Wed 09-Apr-14 20:38:12

grin @ cremola

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:38:18

Arf at Halsall.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:39:20

Can't help but a think a lot of people go on this so the can cut out the hard graft bit at the beginning of being a chef...and yet not may of the ex winners have really done anything...

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:39:32

Hold the door for jess

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:39:39

Your lamb' swearing a wig. That's what we're supposed to say. Not the judges.

beanandspud Wed 09-Apr-14 20:39:52

Hang on a mo... If your meat is not very cooked surely there is something very obvious that you can do. Er... Cook it more?

Overlooked is more of a challenge.

beanandspud Wed 09-Apr-14 20:40:58

Maybe overcooked is more of a challenge than overlooked. <shrugs>

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:41:05

I think that's because being a chef is pretty much hard graft until you are famous/successful enough to swan around doing tv work and having other people do it all for you.

Is the bread burnt?

TSSDNCOP Wed 09-Apr-14 20:41:06

You feel for Jess's poor four sisters. They must be sad face at every dinner time.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:41:26

Flaccid b&b pudsad

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:42:05

Jackie's face. Cats bum par excellence.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:42:15

That teachers a bit of a critic isn't he

beanandspud Wed 09-Apr-14 20:42:24

Bogging pud sad

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:42:24

Approaching a comedy of errors. But jackie's not disappointed.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:42:40

Sad music for jess.

TSSDNCOP Wed 09-Apr-14 20:42:52

Next handsome Jack.

<happy sigh>

Theas18 Wed 09-Apr-14 20:43:04

They are scraping the barrel today. Jackie " just missed out on being a finalist". That means she only made it to the semis. How does that justify judge ness?

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:43:11

Come on Made In Chelsea boy - no shmearing

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:43:35

John will have his tongue in his ear in a minute

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:43:53

That's very raw looking venison.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:44:21

Can't wait till he cooks for his MIL. wink

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:44:37

She gets to be a judge by virtue of having a van that serves pretentious food at farmer's markets.

Halsall Wed 09-Apr-14 20:45:00

John and Jack, sitting in a tree.

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:45:25

Crumb, crumb, crumb.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:45:30


beanandspud Wed 09-Apr-14 20:45:53

Jack going through.

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:45:54

Ooh, that one handed quenelle got them going.

TSSDNCOP Wed 09-Apr-14 20:46:07

Is it possible that Handsome Jack is pro trained?

I actually stopped watching the series she appeared in because she annoyed me so much.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:46:25

John n gregg will be wrestling naked for jacks attention in a minute

Halsall Wed 09-Apr-14 20:46:28

'One-handed quenelle'? John would like Jack to show him how to do that.

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:46:49

I suspect handsome jack is a bit more pro trained than they're letting on.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:47:16

O m g they love him
JT is jealous nowshock

Halsall Wed 09-Apr-14 20:47:43

Yes, Duffy, like Alan Bates and Oliver Reed in 'Women in Love'...

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:47:47

Fnarr at one handed quenelle. (That's what comes from a public school education)

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:48:07

Favourite curry - what a fuckin surprise... She knows her forrin dont she ?

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:48:13

I don't think she'll struggle to make a curry look appetising. What he means is that she'll struggle to make it poncy..

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:48:35

Jackie using pseudo curry- knowledge to show off

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:48:46

She knows more about Indian food than rani obviously.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:49:45

"The ajwan seeds are delicious "

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:50:08

But making a good curry isn't that simple, Greg. They usually go on about how hard it is to get the spicing right, etc on here.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:50:35

Jackie- mememememememe- I'm on tv - look at me!!!!

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:50:37

Semolina boobies.

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:50:46

Jackie is just awful.

Halsall Wed 09-Apr-14 20:50:58

What's the betting they say there's not enough sauce...

She is so far up her own fucking arse.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:51:17

Rani's food not Indian enough for jackie

Theas18 Wed 09-Apr-14 20:51:27

Boob on a plate!

Bornin1984 Wed 09-Apr-14 20:51:36

Ok I've missed this episode again Ffs

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:52:02

Dawn of The Deads got her cauldron ongrin

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:52:11

I hope rani goes through rather than the witch of woo and her not foraged berries.

beanandspud Wed 09-Apr-14 20:52:16

Jackie isn't doing herself any favours here.

Halsall Wed 09-Apr-14 20:52:18

Whortleberry witchery from the Woo woman

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:52:39

Yeah jackie does "authentic"

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:52:41

And John's doing it for her.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:52:51

At the burrow, mrs weasley's pans stirred themselves...

Halsall Wed 09-Apr-14 20:53:04

Witchcraft enables her to carry 3 plates at once

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:53:15

That's very

Is a potaaaage different to pottage?

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:53:39

gringrin Duffy

beanandspud Wed 09-Apr-14 20:53:41

Duffy I read that as 'Mrs Weasley's pants' blush.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:54:12

Does jackie know everything...she is sooooooooo experienced

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:54:16

I hope we have the traditional fondant failure.

There's been a lot of cardamom custard tonight.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:54:30

Now Jackie wants cardamom in her custard

beanandspud Wed 09-Apr-14 20:54:40

That pud needs a wortleberry for decoration.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:54:53


Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:55:24

I thought jackie didn't like cardamom?

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:55:32

That's the excuse they need to put witchy woo through, despite the disaster that was the main course.

Bornin1984 Wed 09-Apr-14 20:55:42

Jackie is an arrogant bitchbag

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:56:11

Jackie's just an arse isn't she. Back to the van with her.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:56:17

She's been suddenly enchanted with cardamom after not liking it 5 minutes ago

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:56:23

John is really excited about jack.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:56:33

Jackie doesn't like cardamom custard with bread n butter pudding...she fucking loves it with fondant

Please dump witchy

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:57:31

Rani & Jack

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:57:35

To be honest, I wouldn't want extra custard with bread and butter pudding. The bloody thing is cooked in custard.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:57:56

Jackie will be busy soon taking her van to all the festivals.

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:58:06


CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:58:30

Thank the gods of woo for that.

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:58:56

Gets the poppet out ...

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 20:58:59

Yeh dawn - get down to Glasto with your beetroots and spell book

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 09-Apr-14 20:59:23

More lovely jack and his perfect eyebrows.

TSSDNCOP Wed 09-Apr-14 20:59:33

Pro handsome Jack YAY

When they came back in I'd forgotten Jess was still in it.

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 20:59:35

Ooh. I'm looking forward to the trying to reconstruct shit that's gone wrong disaster tomorrow!

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 20:59:54

Tomorrow's looks good

cremolafoam Wed 09-Apr-14 21:00:02

Hasta mañana pundits

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 21:00:33

Are you all hormonal... Jack?

DuffyMoon Wed 09-Apr-14 21:01:03

Night all x

Halsall Wed 09-Apr-14 21:01:26

May the crumbs be with you all

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 09-Apr-14 21:01:30

I don't fancy jack. I can totally see why teenage girls would though.

beanandspud Wed 09-Apr-14 21:06:42

Tomorrow will be fun...



lavender decorations...

Night all.

difficultpickle Wed 09-Apr-14 22:13:38

Is it just me or did Jack look as if he plucked his eyebrows?

squoosh Thu 10-Apr-14 10:50:37

Jess' flirting with Gregg last night was vomit-tastic.

'I really want to impress you with my puddings' <lip tremble> <eyelash bat>

HuevosRancheros Thu 10-Apr-14 19:12:02

Sorry, I'm a lurker (DH is cross enough that he has to sit through Masterchef three times a week, without me MNetting at the same time grin) but why has no one mentioned Jack's subtle slipping in of "cheesecake served on a buttery biscuit base"? Cracked me up, have had that song going through my head all day

Which was nice grin

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 19:19:22

I don't actually know what song that is. (I'm so 'with it'!)

I'm waiting did DH to hurry up and come downstairs so we can watch Hawaii 5-0 and then he can go away in time for me to watch Masterchef and MN at the same time. I send him back upstairs to play videogames instead.

HuevosRancheros Thu 10-Apr-14 19:23:07

Buttery Biacuit Base

A must for all Mastechef watchers

Please watch.
It's only two minutes, but oh so worth it grin

HuevosRancheros Thu 10-Apr-14 19:23:43

Please excuse typos


Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 19:36:45

Is that Greggs rap ;/)

Hello all, I missed yesterdays. Didn't have time to read thread/catch up- could anyone please give me a summary?

Or just tell me who Greg was trying to shag?

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:03:33

Hello chaps

Oh arse, fusion food already.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:04:16

Hello all. Who is going to piss us off tonight? Two pretentious beards. Oooo sixth months in India, expert obviously.

beanandspud Thu 10-Apr-14 20:04:48

Frencho-Indian food hmm and "I'm so excited". Starting well.

A deep love of the forrin, like Destineeeyeee

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:05:07

Love of food from mother blah blah.

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:05:27

Crap thought it didn't start till 9... Missed owt ?

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:05:38

Bit complicated, Stairs, but the line-up included a 'witchcraft merchant' and a man with tattoos all round his neck. Oh, and a handsome young chap who had both JT and GW drooling, almost literally.

Bisque and curry confused

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:06:11

Mmmm that octopus looks...appetising ...

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:06:26

Oh fuck, whole octopus. Like the Addams family.

Eep octopus is still alive!

Oh I'm gutted now. I'll watch on catch up. Witchcraft merchant sounds ace, thank you Halsall

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:07:03

Crumb !!!!!!

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:07:04


Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:07:07

Crumbs. Already?

Smoked salmon doesn't come in crumbs.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:07:33

Jinx Duffy.

beanandspud Thu 10-Apr-14 20:07:36

Obligatory Swedish contestant.

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:07:49

On a plate ? Novel ...

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:08:21

WTF happened to the rest of that octopus? Not much of it on the plate.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:08:43

Slab if slate. Yawn.

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:09:03

Deep fried turd

Cheesy octopis. Delicious.

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:10:04

No meatballs? No lingonberry yourself Swedish ?

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:10:14

Of FA. fucking autocorrect
What has joe pasquale made?

beanandspud Thu 10-Apr-14 20:10:14

Halsall I think there's a six-legged octopus out there making a bid for freedom. or getting himself a job carrying all the plates for the next test

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:10:46

Carl reminds me of someone...

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:11:25

Their legs grow back, so keeps going for ages. (Or is that starfish)

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:11:28

Now there is a GREAT invention just waiting to be patented, bean

OhWhat- ha!

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:13:15

I have forgotten how the box round works ...I hope they remind me

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:13:56

Yes, it's a bit difficult to follow, I find.

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:14:25

I know there is boxes but after that who knows

beanandspud Thu 10-Apr-14 20:14:31

1. Pick box
2. Cook duck breast with beetroot or fig
3. Relax


DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:15:14

Be more fun if they had to use every ingredient

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:15:26

The samphire van again, kerching!

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:16:35

I would never think to do that with know...Cook it

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:16:36

Just turned it on to see samphire. grin

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:17:50

Cue tropical rice pudding...cheesecake

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:18:20

That's what I was thinking. Bleurgh.

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:18:40

Beardy baldy is going a worrying shade of scarlet...

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:19:03

calam I would be more impressed if you had just turned on and not seen samphire tbh

Carl ...fuck off

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:20:04

Operation rescue.

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:20:07


DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:20:35

Mountain of food

Oh deaaaary me...biscuit base doom

difficultpickle Thu 10-Apr-14 20:20:40

Is there a world glut of samphire? grin

I wonder if there is ever a time when the contestants cook the same recipe in the invention test as John?

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:21:39

Nah...what amateur could think of pan frying a trout

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:21:43

It would come together better if he put them near each other on the plate.

coffeeinbed Thu 10-Apr-14 20:21:51

Figs, samphire, duck...

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:21:54

Heritage carrots. Yawn.

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:22:05

Heritage carrots !!!

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:22:13

Samphire stuffed trout.

Oh dear.

No flowers yet.

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:23:15

This does not look appetising. Changing half way through is stupid.

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:23:26

Hahahahahaha, what happened to everything else in that box? Did the legless octopus eat it?

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:23:58

That trout ewww.

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:24:16

Was there really cheesy octopus earlier?

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:24:44

I hate piped mash in stupid shapes.

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:24:50

The "cured" trout looked like belly buttons

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:25:06

I also don't want mash and Asian dressing.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:25:18

Mash mash mash. Can they not think of anything else to do with a spud?

A plate...of crumbs?

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:25:45

Rice pud with crumbs, give me strength

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:25:55

This looks awful. Rice pudding crumble.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:26:17

Splodge with crumb.

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:26:26


CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:26:39

They either mash them or we get fondant bloody potatoes.

Someone should roast one just for a laugh.

coffeeinbed Thu 10-Apr-14 20:26:47

That's an empty plate....

Oh my god, pud humiliation!

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:26:57

Arf x 100000000000

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:26:59


Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:27:22

A smear with a puddle. Smuddle?

rootypig Thu 10-Apr-14 20:27:38

John and Gregg obviously aren't feeding toddlers. The way that rice pudding adheres to the bowl is the dream grin

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:27:59

If she'd called it a smuddle and pretended she meant it, they might have enthused.

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:28:42

My children would never consider eating rice pudding because it's disgusting

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:29:23

I love that she put a sprig of mint on top of her puddle. I only noticed it in the recap there.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:30:09

Send them both home.

rootypig Thu 10-Apr-14 20:30:13

my child thinks everything that comes on a plate is disgusting apparently hmm [diversion]

Surely they must both go?!

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:30:28

That question was really 'who would you rather not have cook for you?'

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:30:51

Ping pong meal looked good

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:31:04

No more octopus

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:31:04

Does your child approve of bowls, rooty?

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:31:27

She'll be back as one of the sleb judges next year, having built a vast smuddle empire

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:31:31

Will no one think of the octopus?

They must be just keeping him for comedy value. Surely. And please don't let him make another dish of crumbs.

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:31:57

She'll have a smuddle van.

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:32:04

Carl and his crap crumble

rootypig Thu 10-Apr-14 20:32:12

Only as hats Calamitous grin

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:32:43

Why he wearing gloves

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:32:54

Someone has tinned sweetcorn. Maybe s/he's cooking for toddlers.

I bet his pho broth will be shit.

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:32:55

calam LOL

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:33:06

Beardy is getting on my tits. Pretentious knob.

rootypig Thu 10-Apr-14 20:33:20

Oh Ben, you are proper up yourself really, aren't you

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:33:32

Do they eat food on sticks? DS2 is keen on food that comes on sticks.

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:33:41

Lavender cream fuck sake

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:33:45

Could he not add an oxo cube to his pho?

rootypig Thu 10-Apr-14 20:34:07

Haven't tried Calamitous what can you put on a stick confused Carl's rice pudding

beanandspud Thu 10-Apr-14 20:34:07

Salted almond brittle - yes please! grin

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:34:26

Bloody lavender. It's for bath salts not food FFS

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:34:33

Salted caramel, the samphire of the pudding world.

beanandspud Thu 10-Apr-14 20:35:02

Can you have three-cooked-chips-three-ways.

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:35:29

Sausage n mash ?


Lavender, well, I was expecting flowers.

Intrigued by the sausages though. With crumbs?

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:35:43

Carls nose is amazing;-)

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:35:45

That's 9 ways, whoopee!

beanandspud Thu 10-Apr-14 20:36:03

Beans on toast! Fab!

coffeeinbed Thu 10-Apr-14 20:36:15

He's very annoying, Carl.
Bugger off Carl.

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:36:36

Oh, you'd be amazed what you can put on a stick if necessary.

Any mince can be formed into meatballs on sticks/kebabs. Chunks of meat can be stuck in sticks. Veg can be stuck on sticks (raw or cooked). Fruit can be stuck on sticks. Butter beans can be served on sticks.

If you can't serve it on a stick, it can almost certainly be served inside bread.

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:36:49

Oh I just lol and I'm in my own........ Oh I does like dean Edwards

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:37:04

Kin hell...John is speechless ...why? Who hasn't had plum in potato

rootypig Thu 10-Apr-14 20:37:20


Gregg is getting no pudding joy at all, is he grin

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:37:32

I had a salted caramel brownie once in a poncy cafe down at the quayside. It was mostly salt and disgusting

Gracelo Thu 10-Apr-14 20:37:32

I missed it. What are those dumplings Karl is making?

rootypig Thu 10-Apr-14 20:37:59

Calam I am hurling plates and bowls at the wall as we speak

beanandspud Thu 10-Apr-14 20:38:00

I'll fight you for Digger Dean Bornin smile

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:38:07

He had to eat a lot of mash with plum sauce yesterday.

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:38:16

Wtf is a flavour consultant???

Learning the difference between instand mash and real ;-)

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:38:17

Flavour consultant, snork

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:38:38

Stephens clapped it on. What does he do?

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:38:58

Has she only done the one food demonstration ?

flavour consultant what pretentious twatwankery.

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:39:01

We should have masterchef for toddler judges. That'd have them sweating.

difficultpickle Thu 10-Apr-14 20:39:12

They are running out of MC finalists etc to taste food. Shelina (sp?) has already done one of these last week.

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:39:31

Steak and chips!! Yum

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:39:51

As a flavour consultant he would know what a dry flip flop is like

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:39:55

Flavour consultant is quite massively up himself imho

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:39:56

Call the vet

Gracelo Thu 10-Apr-14 20:40:04

Oh, he is making Powidln. If they are done properly they are the most delicious things. His look too big though

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:40:10

Raw steak and chips.

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:40:21

The cow is still mooing

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:40:30

More raw steak. Gag tarragon.

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:40:36

3 fucking chips

beanandspud Thu 10-Apr-14 20:40:42

I would be very disappointed with 4 chips - no matter how posh the restaurant.

Morgan Thu 10-Apr-14 20:41:32

Did someone say biscuit base ?

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:41:32

4 chips stacked jenga style is just a cruel joke.

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:41:35

Tsk at carrying the 2 plates. Where's the octopus?

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:41:38

He's done that hand whisking before ;-)

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:41:47

Good wrist action

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:41:56

That's a nice looking pudding

coffeeinbed Thu 10-Apr-14 20:42:01

Why is he wearing a merkin on his head?
It distracting me from the food.
In a bad way.

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:42:08

Biscuit base is just crumbs under cover.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:42:12

I thought that Born. Arf.

rootypig Thu 10-Apr-14 20:43:09

Raisins should not be allowed. ever.

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:43:24

His pho is phucked

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:43:28

Fish in water! Feck me

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:43:35

Surely they aren't the right plates to serve pho in.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:43:55

Knobby's balls have let him down.

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:44:03

Herb salad looks...leafy...

rootypig Thu 10-Apr-14 20:44:20

I bet Ben bores on about his travelling while he slurps his pho

beanandspud Thu 10-Apr-14 20:44:31

Here he is Halsall...

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:45:13

His pannacotta looks like it has too much gelatine. It's very solid.

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:45:17

That pudding looks bland as anything

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:45:33

Aaargh! <runs for cover>

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:45:41

I'd eat that pud though.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:46:15

No wobble. Bye Ben.

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:46:24

See, I've now watched masterchef to diagnose issues in desserts I don't even eat, never mind make.

rootypig Thu 10-Apr-14 20:46:53

that is seriously impressive Calamitous

Well, Pings looks great!

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:47:14

I feel ping might be a winner here

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:47:27

It looks quite nice, but I'm not sure what the runny stuff is.

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:47:27

Pings does look nice

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:48:11

But.....tinned sweetcorn?

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:48:22

Love nut brittle!!!

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:48:31

Lavender cream is just not something I ever want to eat.

beanandspud Thu 10-Apr-14 20:48:45

Was that another one handed quenelle? It's catching.

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:48:52

Her pud looks amazing too

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:49:00

Stephen- mr creasote.
Fuckin frangipran. The rest though.

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:49:32

Dean is going for the Gary Rhodes spikes on the head there!!

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:49:39

Btw bean, did you draw that Octo-waiterTM?

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:49:46

A waafer thin mint ?

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:49:57

The positive side of child labour?

Oh god... that's repulsive

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:50:33

Oh man!!! sad

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:50:40

It's beige and messy.

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:50:55

3 plates ... At once !

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:51:26

It honestly looks like what's left in the cupboard/fridge surprise tea.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:51:32

I've just been going, what?
Fuck me. Just, fuck me. shock

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:51:35

Barf :-(

beanandspud Thu 10-Apr-14 20:52:00

Oh dear, oh dear... 'Take care' was a nice touch though!

Halsall No, afraid not. Google images is a wonderful thing.

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:52:19

Ah, zee flaveur consultant is tres, tres sensitive to parfum de burger van

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:52:20

The dessert is going to be worse.

More crumbs! This is seriously wrong.

coffeeinbed Thu 10-Apr-14 20:52:44

Well, they did let him though.....

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:52:47

I think that was the better of the two dishes.

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:52:51

Cheerio,to Carl

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:53:03

Why did they put him through. They must have known he'd do something terrible.

rootypig Thu 10-Apr-14 20:53:23

It looks like roadkill!

difficultpickle Thu 10-Apr-14 20:53:25

Do you think Carl is a friend of the producer? I can't see how on earth he got here.

beanandspud Thu 10-Apr-14 20:53:36

Plum in mashed potato. I am not sure words can describe it.

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:53:37


DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:53:38

You pretentious twunt

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:53:54

Oh he's so polite yet he's so shit

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:54:04

Well found bean grin

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:54:27

Don't put in your mouth.

Passthesaltdear Thu 10-Apr-14 20:54:31

this is making me laugh so much!! don't put it in your mouth!!

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:54:35

Yes it's horrid but the judges were so nasty I feel sorry for him


CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:55:12

I don't understand d why he's frustrated. It's not like it was a good IDE that he didn't pull off. It just would never have worked.

Morgan Thu 10-Apr-14 20:55:19

Where did they find him ?

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:55:19

No they won't carl

coffeeinbed Thu 10-Apr-14 20:55:23

They sent home that nice swedish girl for this?
Oh Greg!
Oh John!
Not for the masses?

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:56:04

The best thing was he said his gran made it and he never liked it. Whyyyyy?
No knobby Ben please.

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:56:08

Masterchef would be so much better if they had more carls

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:56:33

Texture of a sink plug!

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 20:56:54

Pings off home to make a baby so she can have 15 hour labour as opposed to doing another round! Ha

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:57:06

I'd rather see Carl again than James. Just for the giggles.

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:57:06

But coffee...he put cinnamon in...and what goes better with potato

Passthesaltdear Thu 10-Apr-14 20:57:29

jokergrin grin

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:58:11

Clearly they don't see each other's food or she'd absolutely have been expecting it.

DuffyMoon Thu 10-Apr-14 20:58:37

V entertaining tonight smile night all

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 10-Apr-14 20:58:50

Duffy, a friend went to China and they gave her violet flavoured mash. Lovely.

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 20:58:52

And tomorrow night, john can get excited over that young lad again.

Halsall Thu 10-Apr-14 20:58:52

Best of a bad lot, I feel. Though plum dumplings in potato dough are a Hungarian speciality.....just not in Carl's hands.

beanandspud Thu 10-Apr-14 20:59:36

Back tomorrow. Night all!

ExcuseTypos Thu 10-Apr-14 20:59:36

I think Carl was doing an undercover thing for comic relief.

He can't be for real can he?

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 21:00:51

Carl was a joy.

ExcuseTypos Thu 10-Apr-14 21:09:15

Carl's Masterchef recipe

1 slice of white bread
1 tin of beans
1 onion
2 walls sausages

Fry the lot and pile on top- Voila!!

He needs to write a book.

Bornin1984 Thu 10-Apr-14 21:15:29

Oh I have a friend on fb who is friends with Carl

rootypig Thu 10-Apr-14 21:38:36

I saw Oliver the nerdy guy with the French mother in our kids' playground the other day. He was looking round all wondering if he was being recognised so I stared into outer space blush

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 21:40:07

Was he the academic?

rootypig Thu 10-Apr-14 22:04:47

Can't remember pompous, could be. Second from right

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 22:17:54

Yes. He was the academic.

Davros Thu 10-Apr-14 22:18:36

Sorry, can't keep up with this thread as I'm always watching MC recorded. BUT is it just me, or does "calling card" make anyone else think if a dog that's shat on your doorstep or a burglar that's shat on your rug?? grin

CalamitouslyWrong Thu 10-Apr-14 22:25:39

It certainly doesn't make me think 'good food'.

It's more the sort of thing people say about serial crime committers in police stories on the tv.

rootypig Thu 10-Apr-14 22:30:23

Makes sense, we're in Ogggggggggsford

cremolafoam Thu 10-Apr-14 23:00:49

Sorry I was working this evening. Have just roared with laughter at this on catchup . Krap Karl was spectacular ! He even had krums!
Bloody hilarious. Love Ping too.
See you tomorrow night for a bit more Jack- drooling.grin

LaVolcan Thu 10-Apr-14 23:09:02

'Calling card' makes me think of a tom cat who has come in and er, made it clear he was there. Definitely not food!

Ellenora5 Fri 11-Apr-14 01:23:51

Oh dear Oh dear Oh dear, that was not good tonight, well it was great for the laugh but shite food really, thankfully Ping saved the day, everything else looked yuk, that steak would have been revived to full health in the hands of a decent vet, and I thought that if they were cooking steak they had a rule that they had to ask the tasters how they liked it cooked, maybe that was a few years ago, I nearly puked when the swedish lady took the octopus out of the pot (shudder)

And as for Karl, what did he cook that got him through to the show, it must have been ok confused and when he said beans on toast I just knew he was going to say "ah no I'm only joking" but he didn't smile

Can't wait for tomorrow night now, hopefully I can watch and post at the same time (yes I'm talking to you ds1 stop hogging the laptop)

Gracelo Fri 11-Apr-14 06:26:22

Nobody will believe me after the disaster Carl made of it but plum dumplings are the most delicious thing if made right. They are very popular in Austria, Southern Germany and parts of Eastern Europe. Strange that all those supposed food and flavour experts hadn't come across them before.
Made properly with ripe damsons (you find them with apricots as well), a sugar cube replacing the stone and very thin potato dumpling dough (some use a dough made with Quark rather than potato) and crispy breadcrumbs on top they are great. Carl's were a car crash though.

SuburbanRhonda Fri 11-Apr-14 16:51:21

Just googled plum dumplings and you're right, gracelo, they look delicious.

Probably the main difference between them and Carl's is that his were shite grin.

But even the ones on google look like scotch eggs, which is what one of the judges and John both said.

NewBlueShoesToo Fri 11-Apr-14 16:54:09

I was wondering if Carl was a late April Fool, or filmed then?

squoosh Fri 11-Apr-14 16:59:49

I was shocked at how big former Mastercheffer Steven was! Does not look healthy.

Digger Dean is as sweet and cute as ever.

rootypig Fri 11-Apr-14 18:06:36

I think Carl is just a producer's cynical attempt at a bit of a laugh. There's always one they include in shows like Bake Off, but MC has until now resisted. A shame I think, because they don't know their audience! food nerds are happy just with cooking.

janesnowdon1 Fri 11-Apr-14 18:33:00

Carl was hilarious. It was so obvious that he was let through over Swedish Rebecca to provide laughs.