my Ds15 wants to sleepover at his girlfirends, she's 13 !

(58 Posts)
DieselSpillage Fri 04-Apr-14 20:51:45

I have said no way but ds is really losing the plot over it. His girlfirend's mum is ok about him staying over .. apparently he will have a mattress on the floor.. I am shock that she is ok about it.

It would be interesting for Ds to see a general consensus of opinions on this, as of course I am the mum from hell for saying no...

Erm no, no way
I'd also be telling him to call time on that relationship. Mum of 13 yo that's ok with boyfriend sleeping over can come to no good

picnicbasketcase Fri 04-Apr-14 20:55:23

I would also say no flipping way on earth, with a side order of you're having a laugh.

losersaywhat Fri 04-Apr-14 20:57:43

Once I'd finished laughing and realised he was serious, he'd be told that there was no chance.

peppapigmustdie Fri 04-Apr-14 20:57:43

No way at all would I even entertain the idea. I have only dds but dd1 aged 14 would not be having a sleepover with her boyfriend either here or at his. She hasn't got a boyfriend but that is by the by.

MissWimpyDimple Fri 04-Apr-14 20:58:42

No. Way. Not. Never. !

DieselSpillage Fri 04-Apr-14 21:02:36

Just so my Ds can understand .. Could anyone out there please explain to him why it's not a good idea.

BirdieWhirlie Fri 04-Apr-14 21:03:53

No.

nirishma Fri 04-Apr-14 21:04:26

Is she a single mum? My DH would hit the roof but before I met him I probably was a bit more naive about what kids of that age get up to these days. Surely if the dad was around he would be threatening to castrate your son if he came anywhere near his DD? Or is there no such thing as 'Daddy's little girl' anymore?

My dad wouldn't let a past boyfriend sleep in the same room as me in our family home when he came home with me during a university holiday!!! (My mum did but told me to not to mention to my dad - that's why I'm thinking perhaps she's a single mum?).

I would say to your son: you can do whatever you want when you're 18 but right now you respect the rules of this family. No sleepovers with girlfriends.

tbh I wouldn't let him have a gf at all if it starts to interfere with his schoolwork. He'll get over it.

Gosh, teenagers are so self-centred, aren't they?

BirdieWhirlie Fri 04-Apr-14 21:05:16

Sleepovers are single gender affairs from just before puberty up to the age of consent. And possibly beyond it.

PortofinoRevisited Fri 04-Apr-14 21:05:19

What are you looking for exactly? Just say no,

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Fri 04-Apr-14 21:05:52

No! Because she is 13.

No way!

Liara Fri 04-Apr-14 21:06:26

My 15 yo bf came on holiday with us when I was 13...it wasn't a problem. If her mother is OK with it I can't see the problem either, unless you have reason to worry that your ds will do something very stupid.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Fri 04-Apr-14 21:07:22

Tell him he can ask again when he is 18 and his GF 16. If they are still together then of course.... smile

MaryMotherOfCheeses Fri 04-Apr-14 21:09:04

I would imagine that the mother of a 13 year old would have her daughter's safety in mind. What makes you think she doesn't? Have you spoken to her?

nirishma Fri 04-Apr-14 21:11:04

Diesel your son is not entitled to an explanation he needs to respect your rules! Tell him to get over himself. Enlist Dad if he doesn't wise up.

TribbleWithoutATardis Fri 04-Apr-14 21:13:01

I'm going ask, but why does he need to stay over? I just can't the need for him to stay over, plus she is very young. There is a world of differece between 13 and 15. Those two years make a big difference.

losersaywhat Fri 04-Apr-14 21:13:31

It's not a good idea because she's only 13, just as he's only 15 but not too young to get pregnant. If he was mine I would be reminding him that we were all that age once and have an idea of what may ( or may not be happening)

hugoagogo Fri 04-Apr-14 21:13:51

No way

My bf slept 'on the camp bed' when we were both 16.

How I got pregnant, I don't know confused

TSSDNCOP Fri 04-Apr-14 21:14:01

Hmm. The issue is will the mum still be cool if they were to have sex? And lets say she wasnt, could she accuse your DS of having sex with a minor even though he's a minor himself.

JabberJabberJay Fri 04-Apr-14 21:20:01

No. Just no way.

You do realise that if they were to become sexually involved, your DS could be prosecuted?

I think that's a pretty good reason to say no.

Timetoask Fri 04-Apr-14 21:23:20

No! Who cares what the gf mum thinks. Protect your child from unnecessary hurt. Boundaries, respect, rules.

DieselSpillage Fri 04-Apr-14 21:28:56

Dh just went to talk to mum.. she only lives 5 mins away. She wouldn't prosecute as trusts her daughter to know her own mind and agrees that it takes twohmm..

She is ok with them sleeping together as she pointed out they could shag in the day whilst she's out at work anyway..confused

Dh asked her to respect the fact that we feel that she's too young for Ds and that we are not ok with letting them sleep the night together.

alita7 Fri 04-Apr-14 22:36:43

difficult one. If she was 14 I'd say ok. I don't want any judgements but I know what I was up to in the park at 14 and I'd rather my dd was safe in side and could ask me about sex and be advised on safety than I made it difficult so she hid it from me and did it anyway and ended up in a bad place. age is difficult at that point, at 14 I'd had my period for 4 years and I still think that was the right time for me even though I'd discourage my dd from doing the same but I wouldn't be silly enough to just point blank say no ans instill rebellion.

but in your case I'd not let your son stay at hers she is 13 and if they are going to sleep together they'll do it anyway but for a 15 year old It might be hard to resist when they might not have done it otherwise . maybe suggest he sleeps over in the living room instead if they want to be able to stay up late and wake up together (ish).

Innogen Fri 04-Apr-14 23:04:14

Not a chance in hell. Never with an underage gf. Nope nope nope.

MaryMotherOfCheeses Fri 04-Apr-14 23:06:01

I take back what I said earlier.

That's just awful.

90sthrowback Fri 04-Apr-14 23:10:28

It would be a no from me (mother of a 15yo boy).

I totally get that they could be having sex during the day or in a park etc etc, but a sleepover is just inviting them to.

The difference in emotional maturity between 13 and 15 is huge - is she just 13 or almost 14 and likewise is your DS just 15 or nearer 16 - you have the potential for an age gap varyinig between 13 months to nearly 3 years.

morethanpotatoprints Fri 04-Apr-14 23:13:30

OP, the mother is basically saying she is ok with them having sex.
I hope this relationship fizzles out for your ds sake. Next year when he is 16 is he considered an adult? Because then he could be accused of all sorts. I would be very careful, it may seem all innocent but do you want to take the risk.
I wouldn't have allowed my 15 year old to have a girlfriend who was much younger, he only had friends at that age anyway.

DieselSpillage Sat 05-Apr-14 12:29:23

She is almost 14 and he is a way off 16 but still....
I know they will find a way to have sex if they want too.. we have a big box of condoms in the bathroom as I have an older Ds and they both have had it drummed into them how important it is to be safe.

I am shocked that the mum is ok with them sharing a room but hasn't taken daughter to clinic or made any effort to prevent her from unwanted pregnancy. She said to Dh if her Dd got pregnant there's no way she'd let her keep it confused

I have explained to ds that it's not just about sex but about emotional maturity. There's an age of consent for a reason. Where we live it's 15 and with their age difference it's not actually illegal for them to have sex. It still just feels wrong to condone it by letting them spend the night together.

I understand that kids do have sex and the arguments that they are better off in a safe environment but she is so young .. it just feels really wrong to me.

DieselSpillage Sadly it seems as though you are left trying to protect both of these young people as the girl's mother is behaving irresponsibly.
we have a big box of condoms in the bathroom as I have an older Ds
I've seen another poster say they do this, I have DS 16 and 18 and I think it might be a good idea. How did you broach it?

I am shocked that the mum thinks it's ok for her 13 year old to be having sex during the day

I'd be calling social services.

To protect your son I wouldn't let him be with her unsupervised.

DieselSpillage Sun 06-Apr-14 16:48:11

secret I do feel like I want to protect her. 13 seems such an emotionally vulnerable age. She should be enjoying her first kiss not having a full on sexual relationship.. I feel sad for her to be launched so quickly into adulthood.

I have always been open about contraception with my Ds' . I wanted sex to be a subject that could easily be talked about in my family.

I have taught them the importance of protection. I leave condoms around so they can have a chance to practice putting them on. They know that once a sperm leaves their dick and enters a girl they will have no control or say over any potential outcome, that they owe it to themselves and the girl to be safe. I have also tried to encourage them not to rush into being sexually active, but it's hard when it's being presented to them on a plate confused

sandyballs Sun 06-Apr-14 17:29:30

Jesus I have two 13 year old DDs and no way would a 15 year old boyfriend be 'sleeping on their floor'.

I wouldn't even like the idea of them having a 15 year old boyfriend. Like a poster said above, there is a big difference in maturity and outlook at that age.

coldwater1 Sun 06-Apr-14 17:59:21

No way never.

MuttonCadet Sun 06-Apr-14 18:04:46

No, and given the mothers attitude I'd be wanting him to spend less time with her. It's not the kind of influence you want your son subjected to.

She's 13, FFS!

midwifeandmum Sun 06-Apr-14 18:06:01

No chance in hell. ive got 2dds (4 and2) so I have all the bf nonsense to come. But I would not allow it in my house or bf/gf house.

Hubby going grey at the thought of it.

ExcuseTypos Sun 06-Apr-14 18:12:58

My dd had a friend whose mum was very happy for her 14 year old to have her boyfriend staying the night. She actively encouraged it. That girl is now completely messed up, has self esteem issues and has had a termination.

Diesel's son- your girlfriend is far too young to have her boyfriend staying over night. You both have about 80 years left on this earth, plenty of time to be staying at girlfriends' houses. But not at the moment.
Listen to your mum.

LineRunner Sun 06-Apr-14 18:19:14

OP, ask your son if he feels old enough to be a father.

hellymelly Sun 06-Apr-14 18:20:44

13 and her Mum is ok with having sex? I am genuinely shocked by that. My dds are much smaller but no way are they having boyfriends sleeping in their rooms at that age. Sometimes parental rules really help teenagers to avoid doing something they really don't feel ready for. It is so easy for girls to feel pressured into sex and 13 is tragically young imo. Maybe boys feel pressure too, and having a censor can be a help in not losing face.

vestandknickers Sun 06-Apr-14 18:23:15

No way!

He needs a reason? How about because you are the parent and you've said no!

joanofarchitrave Sun 06-Apr-14 18:25:23

There was a thread a few days ago from a mother of a 15 year old ds whose 13 year old dd was pregnant.

'No, you're too young and your girlfriend is much too young' sounds like an explanation to me. I think HE should be giving some explanations, if they are home at her house alone and thought to be likely to be shagging during the day confused

furlinedsheepskinjacket Sun 06-Apr-14 18:26:24

no no no x 1000000

RudyMentary Sun 06-Apr-14 18:28:15

I would be ok with it

RudyMentary Sun 06-Apr-14 18:30:40

Ah - just seen update.
I would be ok with sleeping over/mattress on the floor though

Damnautocorrect Sun 06-Apr-14 18:32:12

If she lives 5 mins away there's no need for a 'sleep over' other than sex and she's 3 years under the age of consent. So if your sons happy for the consequences of prosecution and the affect that could have on his future.

LIZS Sun 06-Apr-14 18:33:43

Poor girl , she needs protecting from herself and her liberal minded mum. No is sufficient explanation. Also no unsupervised time in an empty house. You can't prevent all opportunities but you don't have to make it easy.

morethanpotatoprints Sun 06-Apr-14 18:39:50

I suppose it depends on whether you want them having sex at this young age.
Its ok the mother saying she wouldn't let her daughter keep a baby, but she wouldn't have a say in the matter, it would be her dds decision.
I would be making sure my child kept away from this girl and her immoral family tbh. But I doubt mine would have wanted to have been so involved at such a young age.

BastardDog Sun 06-Apr-14 18:49:13

As the mother of a 13 yo girl and a 14 yo boy it would be a categoric NO from me and my explanation as to why not would be short and to the point.

DieselSpillage Sun 06-Apr-14 20:55:56

Why hasn't her mum put her on the pill if she's ok with her having sex? Dh suggested to her mum that this should happen and her mum said her daughter would tell her when she was ready.

I know they have had sex because ds told me they had, yet her daughter hasn't told her mum that she's sexually active, even though her mum seems so "cool" about it all. I think her mum is assuming way too much maturity from her dd <hoiks up judgy pants>

She's a nice girl and they are sweet together. I am not going to ban him from seeing her. I don't think that would stop him and at least he's being open and up front with me. I just need to make sure their relationship is age appropriate.

The age of consent throughout Europe seems to range from 14 to 18 which is a big variant...

nooka Sun 06-Apr-14 23:44:51

I have a 13 year old dd and an almost 15 year old ds. Neither of them will be having boyfriends/girlfriends sleeping in their rooms over night for a while yet (although I might have to fight with dh about that - he's more liberal and I'm more traditional).

I'd be very concerned if either of my children were having sex, they are children and I wouldn't trust them to be always wearing condoms at their ages, and neither would cope with a pregnancy scare. Luckily neither of them are interested at all right now. The closest we have got is that we almost had a friend of dd's stay over recently who we know has a crush on her. I was very firm that she would be sleeping in a different room. Just to complicated!

LIZS Mon 07-Apr-14 09:18:20

Hang on , he has told you they are having underage sex yet you are still considering the relationship as "sweet". The local age of consent is 15 , it doesn't matter what it is elsewhere, and she is still underage . What if there is a problem and her mum reports him for rape? You cannot condone this in any shape or form.

DownstairsMixUp Mon 07-Apr-14 09:25:19

When I was 13 I asked my Dad if I could have my 13 year old boyfriend stay over night. After he had finished pissing himself laughing at me I was told a firm no and he rung my boyfriend's parents who agreed that we'd now have to be supervised on day visits to each other's houses. blush I was told we would have to wait till we were both 16 and that was that. I wasn't the sort of girl to do stuff in a park or outside, seemed a bit skanky to me so we fizzled out sadly. I'd take the same approach to my kids if they ever ask!

DieselSpillage Mon 07-Apr-14 17:05:09

Lizs the fact that there is less than 2 years between them means that it is not seen as illegal in the eyes of the law even though she is 13. I have told my Ds I am not at all ok with the fact that they had sex and have clearly explained why. I am doing everything I can to make sure the opportunity doesn't present itself, inspite of the fact that the girls mum is not bothered.

I don't want his first relationship to be full of guilt ridden recriminations. I don't see how disaproving of their friendship would help anyone. They need to learn about relationships and also how to set limits, I think it's better to guide them through than just forbid them from seeing each other.

LIZS Mon 07-Apr-14 17:44:50

So the girl is willing to have sex with your ds and yet not be honest enough with her oh so liberal and open mum, to gain access to contraception and sensible advice. iirc you have had a thread similar before. She still doesn't sound mature enough to handle the possible consequences of this relationship, legal or not.

Iwasagnome Mon 07-Apr-14 17:52:33

Please tell your ds that condoms do not give 100% protection .
How's he going to feel if she gets pregnant/ has to go through abortion

lottie82 Fri 11-Apr-14 14:58:37

my friends mum used to let his little brothers gf stay over when they were 14. he said she slept on the floor. I honestly think she was just really naïve.

BeyondStressed42 Fri 11-Apr-14 19:38:48

Good lord no shock 13 is JUST a teenager! It would be a different kettle of fish if she was 16 but she's not and it's inappropriate and quite frankly irresponsible of the mother.

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