I feel like leaving home

(199 Posts)
Doinmummy Mon 27-Jan-14 23:43:36

DD15 nearly 16 has been very difficult( think drugs, police, violence etc) she has been so good the last few months though.

However, in order to keep the peace I have found myself tiptoeing around her. Thinking twice about what I say , being careful not to even bloody sigh as it can set her off into a screaming fit. I'm sitting here tonight thinking ' what the bloody hell am I doing ?' I'm fed up of walking on egg shells just to keep her happy. She asked me if I thought silver hair would suit her. My reply was 'Weeeeell I'm not sure if it would' cue shouting and screaming that I don't care and I think her hair is shit.

I can't carry on like this. I want to leave home( yes seriously ) and see how she gets on without me.

MrsBright Tue 28-Jan-14 07:44:26

Time for a chat with your GP - about you.

You won't be the first Mum to have tried to manage this sort of situation, and god its wearing. You need some help. Both for you and your basic well-being, and in order to cope with daughter.

Make an appointment today.

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 17:05:22

I've been down that route, been referred to cahms, had family solutions involved , been to the GP . She's still so hard to live with

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 21:02:00

DD has just been carted off by the police

RandomMess Tue 28-Jan-14 21:04:25

Oh dear. Have you read CouthyMow's thread. Getting the police involved has actually got her some long awaited referrals for the help needed...

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 21:08:05

Yes I have been following that thread. Trouble is I've been through all this before and we've got no where really.

Have been turned down by Cahms 3 times. SS not interested. Had help from Family Solutions. The woman came to see me ( DD was supposed to be present too but never turned up) and it helped a bit.

I wonder if DD I'd taking drugs. This has been brewing for couple of weeks.

RandomMess Tue 28-Jan-14 21:11:29

Hmm, have you ever refused to have her back home?

TBH I think that is the key. As then SS have to intervene. Either that or go down the complete detached route.

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 21:12:35

I asked SS to take her away and I really meant it but they refused. I tried detaching tonight but DD had me locked I. The lounge and wouldn't let me out.

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 21:13:10

* locked in the lounge. Can't type as I'm shaking so much

RandomMess Tue 28-Jan-14 21:15:13

Asking them to take her away is not the same as refusing to have her home. Whilst she's still in your house she has a home IYSWIM.

Detaching technique would take time to work.

Hels20 Tue 28-Jan-14 21:21:04

Doinmummy - are you alone? I do have some understanding of how upsetting and emotional this is for you. Do you have a partner or good friend who can come and be with you?

Lots if hugs.

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 21:23:11

I am alone . dD doesn't speak to her father. Last time she saw him the police had to be called

morry1000 Tue 28-Jan-14 21:52:36

I could never call the "Police" on my DD, I really could not. Though when DD has breakdowns its just 10 minute swearing and then she cries herself to sleep. She has told me she is never leaving home and that is fine with me.

RandomMess Tue 28-Jan-14 21:58:12

morry many parents are the victims of domestic abuse at the hands of their teens...

If you are beaten up by ANYONE I would hope that you would contact the police!

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 22:01:11

You've no idea Morry

I have started a thread. 'I feel like leaving home'

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 22:03:06

Oh it's this one !

CouthyMow Tue 28-Jan-14 22:09:05

Morry, I'm glad that you don't have to deal with a teen as extreme as some are.

With my DD, a 10 minute screaming fit wouldn't even register. My DD can keep it up for 6 hours plus, and sometimes DAYS.

It's the hardest thing ANY parent has to do, if they have to do it, and it's not a decision taken lightly.

CouthyMow Tue 28-Jan-14 22:09:27

Calling the police, that is.

CouthyMow Tue 28-Jan-14 22:11:33

Doin, DD was taken from the home twice before and that never got me any help. It's only when I refused to actually have her home that things started moving along.

Do you need to borrow my nerves and balls of steel? Or do you think that it is a step too hard for you to contemplate yet? If you had asked me two weeks ago, I would have said it was too.

Doin, would you take the stance that Couthy took, as in "I will not have her back home until appropriate assessment and support is in place" to force SS's hands?
Do you have other children?
This must be so hard sadbrew

ashtrayheart Tue 28-Jan-14 22:12:16

Morry that's because you've never needed to do it. I've had to do it several times as a last resort. One time was in center parcs confused
Even hospital staff had to call the police for my daughter when she was trying to throw herself in front of cars after an escorted visit to the dentist!
It's about keeping everyone safe.
Doin, I understand and I hope you're ok x


Balls borrowing? Now I've heard it all shock

ashtrayheart Tue 28-Jan-14 22:13:12

And yes, refusing to have them home is unfortunately the only route to accessing help.

CouthyMow Tue 28-Jan-14 22:13:55

grin I found balls I didn't know I had. If they need passing on, so be it!

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 22:15:47

Pass them over * Couthy*. I don't know what to do. She's been rejected by her dad. What'll happen if I do the same?

Maryz Tue 28-Jan-14 22:16:06

Hi Doin, just posting support, will check back in later.

Morry, no-one understands until they have been there. Sometimes you have to do something that feels shit NOW to achieve something good in the long term.

flowers to everyone living through this. You are not shit parents and you are certainly not alone.

Maryz Tue 28-Jan-14 22:18:25

You aren't rejecting her.

You are accessing help for her, there is a real difference. She may not see it now, but she will in the end.

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 22:21:00

It was all going so well. I wonder if she's been taking something as she's been either very moody or very touchy . I've been walking on egg shells for the last couple of weeks.

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 22:21:20

I mean moody or happy

Commander6 Tue 28-Jan-14 22:25:59

Are there some back history threads on here? No worries if there are not. But if there are, it might help the likes of me that dont come on Teenagers that often.

Actually, realised that is a very stupid thing to ask you right now. Ignore me., I will have a look in the morning.

I was going to say that if it was me, I would carry on with the tiptoing for a few months. But I dont know the back history at all.

morry1000 Tue 28-Jan-14 22:26:15

I am Sorry to everyone who has experienced violence towards them or to other DC . I have been very lucky that despite my DD2s documented problems from being a young girl she has never displayed violence to anyone ( JUST AN EXTREME POTTY MOUTH) to Teachers as well as family.

I guess I am also lucky in not having younger children to protect.

You are quite right I could never understand (UNLESS I WAS ATTACKED VIOLENTLY BY A TEEN WHO WAS STRONGER THAN ME)

Best of luck to Couthy/ Doin who are showing what caring and devoted mothers you are...

Once again "Sorry" if I have upset anyone.

Best Wishes Morry....

Commander6 Tue 28-Jan-14 22:27:21

Call me silly, but I always think there is help if nothing much has happened for a bit.
Sort of seems like they are able to control themselves if they want to. So they can end up wanting to again at some point in the future.

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 22:29:09

Don't worry Morry it's one of those situations that unless you've been there ( hopefully never will) you don't know how you'll react.

Maryz Tue 28-Jan-14 22:29:59

Commander, yes there are quite a few grin

Drugs are a possibility, Doin. ds's worst behaviour was when he first started using cannabis heavily. I know everyone says it isn't addictive, but he used to get psychotic if he used for a few days and then had a couple of days off. Tuesdays were inevitably awful after the Friday/Saturday overload.

Good for you, apologising, morry smile - it is hard to understand just how awful it can be.

GlitzAndGiggles Tue 28-Jan-14 22:30:36

Would she contact SS herself? I did this when I was about 10 because I was a horrible little brat at the time. I needed help and they gave it to me. A lady came round to talk to me and my mum. I don't know why I was like that I was just a really angry child. I'm glad I got the help I did. I'm not saying it'll work for everyone but it's worth a try

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 22:31:29

The police have taken her to her boyfriends house. Just spoken to his mum and explained the situation . She's ok to have her for tonight

Maryz Tue 28-Jan-14 22:34:17

They can't do that, Doin.

She's under 16, they have to release her to a responsible adult confused

You must be glad that she is safe and not in cells overnight.

But she's not 16 yet, is she?
I never understand how it's deemed appropriate to involve another family like that? I am not critical of the decision, but truly don't understand it.

Hope you get some sleep tonight.

CouthyMow Tue 28-Jan-14 22:45:58

MaryZ - they tried desperately to get me to allow DD to be released to her friend's house, when her 15yo friend's parents would both be at work until AFTER the SS offices closed, I haven't personally seen this friend's parent's more than on one occasion, four years ago, neither me nor DD knows the parent's phone numbers or names...they also said that no SW would accompany DD there, as it would be a 'personal arrangement' between ME and friend's parents. Who I was unable to speak to...

It was only when I asked WHAT would happen if they refused, the lying SW told me that DD would have to come home, and I pointed out that under that circumstance, I STILL would be unable to, and that they have a duty of care towards my vulnerable teenager, that they I nixed that one...

If doin's DD's boyfriend's mum has agreed, then SS will release Doin's DD there as a 'personal arrangement' which has NO comeback on SS if anything happens to Doin's DD, or her boyfriend, or the boyfriend's mum...

SS basically claim no involvement or responsibility for it!!

(Which was another reason I refused that!)

CouthyMow Tue 28-Jan-14 22:46:57

How old is your DD's boyfriend?

Ok. Now I am much more critical angry

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 22:49:50

She will be 16 in 3 weeks time. I feel I'm running out of time to get help.

I have found SS to be hopeless in the past

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 22:51:19

He's 19. Yes I know he's too old for her. Yes I know she's having under age sex( she's on the pill) no I'm not happy about it.

CouthyMow Tue 28-Jan-14 22:51:42

Thing is, if the boyfriend's mum is willing to have your DD there indefinitely (and I know there ARE mums out there who don't bat an eyelid at an extra teen in the house...), then as as will do fuck all!!

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 22:52:13

I don't know where else she could go, def not to her fathers

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 22:53:09

She will only have her for tonight

CouthyMow Tue 28-Jan-14 22:54:14

At least she IS on the pill - DD can't swallow ANY pills (even has to have AB liquid when she has a throat infection), and she's needle phobic. So no contraception for DD!

FUUUUUUCK - so SS/Police have WILFULLY ignored the fact that he is with an underage girlfriend AND have released that underage girlfriend into the same house?! WTF??!!

I feel well out of my depth here, but really??

That is just so inappropriate, even if one were to assume that the boyfriend's mum made sure that no law was broken under her roof tonight...

CouthyMow Tue 28-Jan-14 22:57:12

If she will only have your DD for tonight, then you need to borrow those balls of steel and phone SS in the morning and give off about how, given her violence towards you, you can't have her home, and leaving her in the same house as her 19yo boyfriend is not acceptable, as they are leaving her in a situation where he is likely to be committing an offence by sleeping with her when she's underage, and they have a duty of care towards your DD...

CouthyMow Tue 28-Jan-14 23:01:06

I know it sounds bad, but given your DD's situation with her father not being an option, you are basically at the point where I was on Sunday / yesterday.

Realistically, the only SAFE option for you AND your DD given the police have released her into the care of her 19yo boyfriend's mum... is probably an emergency FC placement...

And if she's not yet 16, it might be the last chance to get the help she needs.

Ugh, is there something in the air with teenage girls born that month or something?!

And yes, I do believe that weed is playing a part in MY DD's behaviour, it has yo be a consideration when they are behaving like this.

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 23:01:58

Christ knows what will happen if she's stopped from seeing her boyfriend

CouthyMow Tue 28-Jan-14 23:03:49

I don't think that thought has actually occurred to MY DD yet - her current squeeze (for all of two weeks...) is over 17... She is going to booloo when she realises that they probably won't let her see him...

CouthyMow Tue 28-Jan-14 23:06:14

Tbh, my jaw is still on the floor that the police can think that it is in ANY way, shape or form appropriate to release a minor into the care of their overage boyfriend's mother??!!

Despite all the underhand tactics I've dealt with in the last couple of days, my brain can't compute that one!

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 23:07:26

Tbh it never occurred to me. Was just glad to get her out the house.

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 23:08:07

She has been with BF for about9 months. Not that it makes any difference

RhondaJean Tue 28-Jan-14 23:10:48

Fecking hell doin.

You lot are so strong, there were a couple of points a year or two back I was terrified dd1 was heading this way but she's evened out and is even dare I say it a pleasure to be around sometimes. I was abut demented with her, I cannot imagine how strong you all are to cope ŵith this.

I'm here for tea and sympathy and if I can suggest anything helpful.

Maryz Tue 28-Jan-14 23:20:27

Couthy is right.

Ring in the morning, say you can't have her home, say you don't under any circumstances agree to her going to her boyfriends as she is underage, and tell ss that as from now, she is a vulnerable 15 year old with nowhere to go. Follow that up with a written statement that you can't have her home.


You only have three weeks left. The day she is 16 you are screwed.

Doinmummy Tue 28-Jan-14 23:45:23

I know I'm running out of time. I'm in a real panic.

Maryz Tue 28-Jan-14 23:51:21

Sorry, I didn't mean to panic you.

Call them in the morning. Tell them that you can't keep yourself safe and that you can't keep her safe. Tell them that you are horrified that she was let out into the care of (effectively) a 19 year old who is having sex with her, and that you certainly don't accept that. Ask them to tell you what they are doing to safeguard a vulnerable 15 year old.

Tell her bf's mother that you are doing it, and warn her that if she keeps her there she will be the responsible adult - that might wake her up.

Surely she can't think it's ok to have a 15 year old stay in her house with her 19 year old son? She's leaving him open to all sorts of accusations.

CouthyMow Wed 29-Jan-14 00:05:05

MaryZ - I would have to say that the police, unfortunately, don't seem to give a crap about that - as they were seemingly the ones who released her into the care of her Boyfriend's mum...

And yes, Doin, I fear you are going to have to do exactly what I have just had to do. MaryZ is right.

<<Hand held>>

CouthyMow Wed 29-Jan-14 01:04:53

How are you doing, Doin? Is everything ok? (Well, stupid question, of course it isn't, but are YOU coping ok?)

Doinmummy Wed 29-Jan-14 01:16:54

No I'm not ok. sad I have to go to work tomorrow .

CouthyMow Wed 29-Jan-14 01:33:39

Aw bugger. Can you call in sick?

Doinmummy Wed 29-Jan-14 01:43:40

I really can't . We have a three strikes policy and I'm at my limit. Last time DD kicked off my boss sent me home for a week with stress , I can t do it again

CouthyMow Wed 29-Jan-14 01:52:36

Shit. Erm, is your DD likely to come home while you are at work?

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Wed 29-Jan-14 02:55:10

Not the same situation but I thought I'd pop here and give both you and couthymow virtual hugs.

My dd was 7 so I guess I was lucky (in that she wasn't big enough to physically assault me or I'm sure she would have) after trying to access services only to be told they didn't exist or were only for YP in care, the frustration got so bad that when they said eventually it looked like I had reached the end of my tether, I agreed for them to take dd under sec 20, I then didn't get her back until she was 17 sad

Be careful of the road you're about to go down. Seriously hope it gets the services you both obviously need for your dd's .. A damn shame SS seem to spend their time firefighting and not doing a brilliant job of it when with a little support for both parents an yp, this situation or type of situation could often be averted or lessened somewhat.

In my case my younger ds was also badly affected by dd's behaviour but he was never offered support either.
Prevention really would be better than cure here.

I'm so sorry you're both going through this confused

Doinmummy Wed 29-Jan-14 06:55:42

Thanks for the warning ThingsThat my DD is nearly 16 so she can leave home then anyway.

Couthy I've been thinking about my plan of action all night. I will tell the school , Family Solutions lady and SS that I refuse to have Dd back . But I did wonder how it will actually happen. DD will almost certainly have a key and I don't get home til 6 tonight. What if she lets herself in?

I was thinking of disappearing for a few days and saying I've abandoned her, would that work ?

WynkenBlynkenandNod Wed 29-Jan-14 07:54:06

Doin, really sorry to hear this. I'm making this up a bit as I go along and I'm a but bleary eyed but . My Mother has Dementia so I've spent time on the Alzheimer's forums where people are fighting to get care packages. The key it seems in those cases is to say you are suffering from Carer Breakdown and that your parent is a vulnerable adult who needs safeguarding.

What about finding somewhere to go for a few days citing parental Carer breakdown due to Domestic Violence from your DD. That you are removing yourself to a place of safety and if your DD let's herself into the house she will be alone which as a vulnerable minor who has had previous CAHMs involvement, needs further assessment. If she is left alone in the house you will consider SS have failed in their duty of care to safeguard a vulnerable minor.

You've got the previous episode of absence due to stress as evidence, a police arrest, SS /CAHMs involvement all to cite which is a fair bit. I'm sure others more clued up than me will be along with good advice.

CouthyMow Wed 29-Jan-14 10:52:43

Actually, I think away ken has it on the nail, I think in your circumstances, that would be the best way to approach this if at all possible. Only issue I can see is that she wouldn't be 'alone' as you have a lodger.

(Sorry, thinking 'out loud' here...)

It was different for me, as DD didn't have a key, as she had lost her 4th key in 6 months in this house, so she couldn't get back in. And I didn't have the complication of having a lodger...

CouthyMow Wed 29-Jan-14 10:53:04

Away ken = Wynken. Autocorrect

Doinmummy Wed 29-Jan-14 12:03:49

Have told SS that I refuse to have her home. They said could I ask boyfriends mother to have her again, I said no. They said she'd have to come back to me then . I said absolutely not .

They are going to get back to me

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Wed 29-Jan-14 13:59:15

Loss of parental control is already in the children's act 1989 as a reason to begin intervention - you don't need to threaten abandonment or shouldn't bloody well have to in order to get some bloody help
As I said I really don't understand why preventative services aren't top priority instead of leaving people in limbo and at the end of their tether.

If you hit dd, and this is aimed at both of you, ( couthymow too) they would be taken into care but you would be 'an abuser' even if it was noted you'd reached the end of your rope or had hit in response to being hit.
This is so wrong I can't even begin to work it out or justify it.
I recently had a problem where my dd got a job an didn't tell me, no, actively HID it from me.
She shows no remorse or understanding of how I'm cross at being deceived for so long, plus the fact I could have owed a lot of money out.
If I try to talk to her about anything past 'how was your day' and gets angry, then tearful/frustrated,

I fear for her future. Often I have visions of being so fucking frustrated with her I could slap and shake her. Obviously I wouldn't do this, but you can't help feelin it. And it's because I'm afraid of how things are going to be for her.
Also believe and have from when she was taken, that she has aspergers. I can't force her to go to the doctors. Encouragement has been met with disgust and refusal. If she had been diagnosed when I asked, all those years ago, almost ten years in fact, things could be so different.
The SS have ways to jump waiting lists and other hoops, gaining access to services that simply don't exist to joe public, they just don't fucking bother to use them.
They let children in care down, like once they have them, they can't be arsed any more, or their thinking is as long as they're away from parents, that's the end of that.

Then those kids act out and say, have a baby, the baby gets removed from their care, no wonder the SS are accused of 'baby trafficking' when people don't see they have done anything to help the vulnerable yp, just taken the resulting baby.

I'm so torn here because I can see you guys at the end of your tether, but know the world of crap your kids will be enterin once they're involved with SS. And it's far reaching consequences which may even affect grandchildren and further. This always makes me want to scream 'don't do it, do whatever you can to stop them being taken'

What a shit situation.

Doinmummy Wed 29-Jan-14 18:37:30

SS have ok'd it for DD to go to her boyfriend tonight. They haven't asked his mother if she's ok with it. They said that there's nowhere else she can go .

SS are going to visit me tomorrow . I don't hold out much hope . I am adamant she's not coming back home.

How can they 'ok' anything? confused
That is not an active act of 'safe guarding' at all - not asking BF's mum, previously stating you could ask BF's mum to take DD again, not providing a safe FC placement.
Honestly, my mind boggles.

I have no advice.
Thinking of you and wishing you strength - sadly, it sounds like you'll keep on needing it.

Doinmummy Wed 29-Jan-14 19:10:09

I know . How can handing a minor over I a teenage adult be ok?

School safeguarding officer told me he's tried to call DD and her boyfriend but they're not answering their phones

RandomMess Wed 29-Jan-14 19:16:44

Geez, it's just rubbish isn't it. It terrifies me, I really really hope that I don't go though this with any of my teens because there is just no help or support sad

WynkenBlynkenandNod Wed 29-Jan-14 19:29:34

So they have sent here somewhere where she might be having sex under the age of consent (just) . Good one SS, not exactly Safeguarding is it ......

If you look at Couthy's thread they went down the 'there's nowhere for her to go' then when they realised Couthy wasn't going to cave, suddenly somewhere was found miraculously. It is appalling.

Do you have someone who can be at the meeting tomorrow with you ?

Doinmummy Wed 29-Jan-14 19:36:03

No I don't have anyone to go with me

WynkenBlynkenandNod Wed 29-Jan-14 19:38:13

Did the school safeguarding officer sold pissed off with SS ? If so, maybe you could ask if he could attend ?

Doinmummy Wed 29-Jan-14 20:50:05

I'll ask. They don't know what time the meeting will be or where it will be held. I don't want it at my house. I think at the school would be best.

Doinmummy Wed 29-Jan-14 20:51:36

It means I've got to have the day off work. My boss won't be best pleased

WynkenBlynkenandNod Wed 29-Jan-14 21:09:08

Oh dear sad. I think at School sounds best and if you could speak to them properly before the meeting and try to get them to support you and have a go about her going to Boyfriend's house.

Can you write out notes to refer to before you go in in case you forget anything and make notes as the meets goes along?

CouthyMow Wed 29-Jan-14 21:11:29

It's awful to see that it's not just my LA that's like this. I could almost discount it as one bad LA in that case. (Unless you ARE in my LA?!)

And to the PP - I am WELL aware, more aware than most, of the difficulties that can be caused by SS intervention, I've had SS involvement myself as a child and when DD was first born. Which is why I didn't take this decision lightly.

Sometimes, though, there is genuinely no other answer.

Amazing to think that a total of 13 years after my very first request for CAHMS involvement, it took just ONE night in FC for it to materialise...

Doin, I don't think you have any other choice but to stand your ground. And they have totally failed in their duty of care towards your DD to have sent her to her boyfriend's, without his mother's permission. Are they not even slightly concerned that they aren't answering their phones?

The safeguarding officer at the school is a good suggestion. Also possibly try your local Parent Partnership officer?

Doinmummy Wed 29-Jan-14 21:17:18

I'll try and get the 'safeguarding' officer to attend . He's very nice (one of the teachers at school ) but a bit wet. He said to me ' I'm sure all you want is DD back home' I replied' no I don't actually' I think he thinks I'm a bad parent

Doinmummy Wed 29-Jan-14 21:18:42

We've been ( I've begged) for a cahms referral 3 times and we've been turned down each time

WynkenBlynkenandNod Wed 29-Jan-14 21:28:50

I think maybe explain to him that after 3 failed attempts you see this as the one chance to get a CAHMS referral which you feel she desperately needs and that you can not be subjected to any more violence as you experienced the other night.

That if she just goes home now nothing will change and you will have lost your one chance to get the help your DD desperately needs and has been denied up until now and you're sure he'll agree it is in her best interests now for you to stand firm for everyone's sake. I suspect he hasn't thought it through properly at all.

Doinmummy Wed 29-Jan-14 21:34:31

We have actually been referred to cahms . Once via GP , twice via school. Cahms say we don't meet their criteria.

I googled it- violence-- check

Drugs-- check

Emotional problems -- check

WynkenBlynkenandNod Wed 29-Jan-14 22:15:43

Well seems you do now. Sad it has to get to this stage though. Know you must be feeling really really stressed right now but hang in there. Hope you do manage to get a bit of sleep wine flowers.

Wibble1999 Wed 29-Jan-14 23:03:07

Oh dear I've been where you have. Felt I could never reject because the other parent had already done so. Bloody horrid.
It was only the other day I realised that for at least 10 out of the last 15 years I've never wanted to go home because of walking on eggshells to avoid some child kicking off. 10 years of my life wasted because a. Someone else can't deal with their emosions and b.the other patent has a Scott free existence not dealing with sh!t.
Time to start making the other parent's life be as st!t as yours and making them deal with this.

Doinmummy Thu 30-Jan-14 08:27:45

I agree , her dad has been sorely lacking, financially and emotionally. Unfortunately last time she saw him the police had to be called because if some sort of ' incident' between them

Doinmummy Thu 30-Jan-14 11:39:19

Sitting here with a churning stomach STILL waiting for SS to tell me when this meeting is going to be. I think they're stalling for time hoping ill cave in

CouthyMow Thu 30-Jan-14 11:54:37

That sounds about right, Doin.

Doinmummy Thu 30-Jan-14 13:33:28

And waiting

CouthyMow Thu 30-Jan-14 16:01:14

Any news from SS yet?

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 30-Jan-14 18:18:52

They will keep you waiting. Just put one foot in front of the other till then. They're going to be in no rush once they believe the situation is 'safe'

CouthyMow Thu 30-Jan-14 20:11:06

I would say that they are mistaken in that idea thigh, and that they aren't actuslly discharging a 'duty of care' towards Doin's DD.

How are you now, Doin? Heard anything?

CouthyMow Thu 30-Jan-14 20:11:45

Where did that thigh come from?! A use my fat fingers, thigh = though.

CouthyMow Thu 30-Jan-14 20:12:17

A cuse = scuse.

I should give up trying to type now...

Doinmummy Thu 30-Jan-14 20:50:23

I've been trying to post on my phone but it won't let me

SS phoned this afternoon , eventually.
They initially asked for mrs R*** . Who is the school safe guarding officer, they can't seem to get thee correct phone number ffs

They will allocate a social worker who is going to see DD at school tomorrow and then come and see me.

WynkenBlynkenandNod Thu 30-Jan-14 22:03:42

I've been trying all evening and thought I had been suspended for being a bit blunt on another thread. I agree with Couthy that SS are totally failing in their duty of care. Am on the MN app and hoping this posts ...

Doinmummy Thu 30-Jan-14 22:53:37

SS said it was my place as her parent to find alternative accommodation for her.

Doinmummy Thu 30-Jan-14 22:54:41

Posted too soon

And as I can't then they have chosen the easiest best option

WynkenBlynkenandNod Fri 31-Jan-14 07:24:14

Is the school safeguarding officer on board with this ? Couthy's DD isn't allowed to see her boyfriend as she is underage so how earth can it be appropriate for yours to be living within hers ?

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Fri 31-Jan-14 09:14:48

There's no hard and fast rule about boyfriends and underage girls as far as I'm aware.
SS used to allow dd (then 15) to stay at her boyfriends.
He was physically abusive to her, they were definitely having sex, no one but me ha spoken to dd about safe sex ect, an I'd had contact stopped for doing just that. So I went to the school who huffed and puffed a lot, but reported my concern to the fc who eventually dealt with the PA side of things, I also supplied dd with condoms and told her where she could get more from her most local fp clinic, didn't help that she wasn't allowed out without the FC though, I had to keep supplying BC or risk ending up with a GC who would most likely have ended up adopted out.


There are so many things about the system a it stands that need to be overhauled.

flow4 Fri 31-Jan-14 09:44:50

Oh Doin, sorry it's all kicked off again. sad

I'm afraid you are in very difficult position. I'm afraid because your DD is nearly 16, SS will just drag their heels for a couple of weeks, then wash their hands of it. There are simply too many troubled 15 year olds, and too little money - it makes them very 'pragmatic' and unlikely to help in all but the very, very most serious circumstances. sad I'm afraid they will see DD's BF's mum as an acceptable place for her to be, under the circumstances. I am afraid I think it is unlikely you will get even the (last minute, reluctant) help that Couthy has, because you do not have younger DCs with SN/disabilities, nor a disability yourself. In C's case, they have made the judgement that it will cost more, and be more difficult, if they do not help than if they do. I'm afraid they won't make the same judgement with you. sad sad

I'm sorry to be such a gloom-monger and of course I hope I'm wrong... But I think you have spent such a long time and so much energy trying to get her help, that you need to be careful not to spend the little bit of time and energy you have left on things that probably won't work.

I think your options are different from Couthy'. I think they are:
(a) Ask yourself honestly if DD will be OK at her boyfriend's. It isn't what you'd choose, it isn't ideal... But is it better than having her home? If so, then I'd say you should seriously consider leaving her there.

If his mum refuses, then you are back to the 'choice' you had a year or two ago:
(b) kick her out, or run away yourself, or
(c) hang on in there.

ALL these options are going to be very hard. It is awful - heartbreaking and unfair - that that's what it comes down to.

With ANY of those options, you can continue to ask and fight for help for your daughter. But 16-18 is an awful 'twilight zone' age, where there is very little support.

All of them need you to look after yourself. I seem to remember you saying you didn't feel you could or should look after yourself unless/until you had sorted your DD out... But you are at a point, I think, where you won't be able to help your daughter if you don't help yourself. It's like being in a plane crash: if you don't put the oxygen mask on your own face, you'll be finished before you can help your DD. sad

I am so sorry, Doin. I wish I had a magic wand. All I've got is a ton of sympathy and a glimmer of hope: you have been handling this for years now: you know you ARE strong enough. It will pass. It will get better.

CouthyMow Fri 31-Jan-14 10:11:02

There are some cogent points in the last post, unfortunately.

The fact that I have younger DC's I have to protect HAS made a difference. As has DD's own vulnerability due to her own issues. As has the fact that every member of my household has their own medical or SN issues.

Even back when I was 15, very close to 16, a healthy DC of that age was offered VERY little support.sad

There is also the fact that unfortunately, your DD is just that bit closer to 16 than mine is. At this point, I fear even three weeks would make a difference. It's not easy for SS to drag their feet for 6 weeks when faced with this, far easier to drag their feet for 3 weeks.

What would have to happen for you to feel SAFE living in the same home as your DD? What are your main concerns with her living with her Boyfriend? Do you have concerns for her MH? Do you feel that they are appropriately safeguarding a vulnerable teenager? Because I bloody don't!

These are all things that you need to be stating to SS.

<<Hand held>>

Doinmummy Fri 31-Jan-14 11:27:02

Thanks all for your replies. I've accepted that her staying with her BF is the best/only option.

It seems so wrong that there is support for victims of domestic violence if the perpetrator is an adult but none if they are a child. I know SS are only interested in the child but what about me? If I crumble then DD has no one .

SS phoned this morning to say we will be referred to an agency called DBIT who will offer 'intensive' support. It has to go to panel which is on Wednesday.

I'm am aware that time is running out, my anxiety is at an all time high ( and I don't suffer from stress in any other aspect of my life). I feel so sad for my DD - it doesn't have to be this way .

CouthyMow Fri 31-Jan-14 12:01:37

Dbit do seem quite good, Doin. They will ask questions about what it would take to make you feel safe with your DD living in your home, what you would like to see, their remit is to try to repair the relationship between you and your DD. I'm holding out hope that they will help me and DD.

Doinmummy Fri 31-Jan-14 12:08:52

That's good to hear Couthy

Doinmummy Fri 31-Jan-14 15:17:10

Just has a letter from the school saying that even though she was in school on the 13 the jan she failed to turn up for her GCSE English exam . It's just getting worse

CouthyMow Fri 31-Jan-14 16:14:26

What? How can she 'fail yo turn up' for an exam if she is at school. Forgive me or being a bit confused but don't the school FIND pupils that aren't where they are meant to be, on the basis of Fire Safety?!

CouthyMow Fri 31-Jan-14 16:16:28

And do the school not PHONE you about things like that? DD's school will ring a parent by 9.30am if their DC wasn't in school and the parent hadn't rung to confirm absence.

And if DD went missing IN school (which HAS happened, though not in an exam), they would be looking on the CCTV to find her, as it's a H&S thing to know where the pupils are and how many are on site...

Thinking of you, Doin.
I have no practical support or experience, but wishing you strength.
You are doing the hardest bit of parenting, I think.

CouthyMow Fri 31-Jan-14 23:43:34

I'm cross on your behalf that the school don't seem to be supporting you as a parent. I hope you are resting and being kind to yourself.

Doinmummy Sat 01-Feb-14 01:49:51

I can't get my head round the fact that she should have taken the exam week beginning 13th jan . We had parents eve last Thursday and nothing was said. If they saw she was not in the exam but knew she was on the premises, why didn't someone go and find her?

This has sent me into a blind panic. Something is very very wrong because up until this week I thought everything was fine.

I'm in bed and have taken a handful of sleeping pills - I just want to remain out of it

Doinmummy Sat 01-Feb-14 01:52:14

Unless she can sit the exam she will get a U

CouthyMow Sat 01-Feb-14 02:01:13

Doin - I'm worrying about the same stuff, but really, in the grand scheme of things, it's nothing. She can choose to do resits if and when she wants. I am right now...

Yes, it DOES mean that there have been bigger issues for longer than you thought, but at least you are getting more information now.

Still think the school is crap - my DD's school would have been all over that like a rash!

Sleeping pills are NOT the answer. How many have you had?

CouthyMow Sat 01-Feb-14 02:06:06

Doin? I'm a bit worried about you. Are you sure you haven't taken too many?

Doinmummy Sat 01-Feb-14 02:12:43

About 8 I tnnk I just need the rest. I don't want to think

CouthyMow Sat 01-Feb-14 02:29:32

Doin, you need medical attention if you have taken too many. Isn't 2 a usual dose? That means you would have taken 4 times the usual dose. I'm asking you to be sensible. Go and drink some water and call OOH doctor. Please.

This will not be solved in this way. However badly your DD is treating you at the moment, if anything happens to you tonight, she will carry that forever.

(Childhood survivor of parental suicide here).

Please, get some medical advice pronto.

Doinmummy Sat 01-Feb-14 02:30:58

Il be fine

Doinmummy Sat 01-Feb-14 02:31:13

Just need sleep

CouthyMow Sat 01-Feb-14 02:34:45

Doin, sleeping tablets can be dangerous if OD'd on, I'm pretty sure. What type of sleeping tablets?

Doinmummy Sat 01-Feb-14 02:38:06


CouthyMow Sat 01-Feb-14 02:39:28

Hang on a sec. Be back in 2 mins.

CouthyMow Sat 01-Feb-14 02:45:58

Stand up and try to walk in a straight line. If you are clumsy, seek medical attention. If you feel drowsiest than you usually would with your usual dose, seek medical attention. If your breathing is slower than usual, or shallower than usual, seek medical attention.

Tbh, you should be seeking medical attention anyway.

CouthyMow Sat 01-Feb-14 02:47:21

I have to go, DS3 has woken for his formula, I really think you should seek some urgent medical advice from NHS Direct or your OOH GP number.

McFox Sat 01-Feb-14 02:52:17

I agree, that's an awful lot of tablets. Please let us know that you're ok.

Merel Sat 01-Feb-14 03:08:33

Hope you are ok OP. I know things seem dire at the moment, but your daughter is really young and apparently has some troubles. Many teens go through tough times, unrelated to their upbringing and their parents choices, but most of them come through ok. There's every chance that you and your DD will get through this eventually and have a normal relationship. Please don't give up now. I wish you lots of strength for the time being, and I am sure it will get better x

Doinmummy Sat 01-Feb-14 03:32:37

Feel sleepy now

Doinmummy Sat 01-Feb-14 03:34:28

No one can help dd won't have coincellinh I give up exam was last straw

KepekCrumbs Sat 01-Feb-14 03:47:59

How are you feeling now?

why not get medical help for yourself? It can't make things worse. I'm worried about you.

Doinmummy Sat 01-Feb-14 03:50:41

They gave me sleeping tablets I have taken a good few to sleep

Doinmummy Sat 01-Feb-14 03:51:51

Misjudge any toe Lesley

KepekCrumbs Sat 01-Feb-14 03:55:31

Please call a friend to take you to hospital. I don't know enough about doses to know if you are at risk here. But feel very concerned about you.

Doinmummy Sat 01-Feb-14 03:59:23

I can't look after May daughter . She's nit here she's doesn't wary to be here what's the pint point

TanteRose Sat 01-Feb-14 04:06:39

Doin, you are looking after your daughter - you have demonstrated throughout this thread that you are doing the VERY best you can for her, and for you.
Please please call Out of Hours doc to check that you haven't taken too many sleeping pills. Please do this.

Doinmummy Sat 01-Feb-14 04:10:57

I just want to sleepy

TanteRose Sat 01-Feb-14 04:14:46

I know, sweetie, you must be so tired and fed up of it all :-( I get that. But we are worried that you may have taken a few too many pills.
If you fall asleep too deeply, you might not wake when the phone rings tomorrow.
Can you at least get someone to stay with you tonight?

Merel Sat 01-Feb-14 04:22:49

The point is, if she doesn't need you at this moment, she is going to need you when she snaps out of this.

Stay with us OP, try not to despair, things always sort themselves out in the end.

WynkenBlynkenandNod Sat 01-Feb-14 07:16:52

Doin, are you awake? Merel's totally right. She might not be here now but she will be and she very much needs you to stay strong for her, though it's incredibly hard. You've done really well with very little support. However hard, you have to hang in there.

Have you any local friends who know what's going on?

EmmaGellerGreen Sat 01-Feb-14 09:18:33


HolidayArmadillo Sat 01-Feb-14 09:59:17

Doin I come to this late but I hope you are safe.

flow4 Sat 01-Feb-14 12:03:23

Oh shit Doin, are you ok?
I'm hoping you are just having a really, really good sleep. Post as soon as you can.

Maryz Sat 01-Feb-14 13:03:47

Please let us know you are ok Doin

I know you are at the end of your rope, but you have fought for so long, don't give up now.

You are on the home straight, just keep going, one foot in front of the other flowers

Travelledtheworld Sat 01-Feb-14 14:27:10

I take Zopiclone 7.5 mg on prescription.

My usual dose is half a tab and that knocks me out for 6 hours. Takes 10 15 mins to have an effect.

Depending on the strength of the tablets, if she has taken 8 she could be out for a very long time and will be very groggy when she wakes.

I don't think this is a fatal dose but could be very bad if she has taken them with alcohol.

Travelledtheworld Sat 01-Feb-14 14:37:26

Just checked an 20 7.5mg of Zopiclone can be a fatal dose.

Travelledtheworld Sat 01-Feb-14 14:42:36

Doin when you wake up you are going to feel very rough.
Do not attempt to drive anywhere or make any decisions.

You must speak to a doctor as soon as you can and get checked over. Zopiclone can have a bad effect on your heart and respiratory system.

It is also very addictive so you MUST NOT get another prescription. After a while it will lose its effectiveness and it will not work anyway.

Please can you find someone to talk to ? Ask your GP for a referral to a counselling service or I suggest you call the Samaritans .

08457 90 90 90

Mintyy Sat 01-Feb-14 17:23:00

I am very worried about you Doin. Please can you let us know that you are ok?

Travelledtheworld Sat 01-Feb-14 17:32:34

I keep checking in but with that dose of Zopiclone she could be out for 12 to 16 hours.

WynkenBlynkenandNod Sat 01-Feb-14 17:52:20

Doin when you wake up and eventually see this please could you quickly post, just one word will do, even though I'm sure it will be the last thing you feel like doing.

Please do listen to travelledtheworld and don't drive or make any decisions.

PrincessPotsie Sat 01-Feb-14 21:42:01

Worried about you op. please post.

Hels20 Sat 01-Feb-14 21:43:45

Have no experience of this and am a newbie to Mumsnet, but should we be emailing MN HQ and alerting them? Or is that a breach of privacy?

Maryz Sat 01-Feb-14 21:56:39

I've reported the thread and asked them to drop her an email, saying we are concerned for her and hope she is ok. Just in case she is embarrassed or worried about what we think.

But honestly, there isn't anything we can do. I may sound hard, but MNHQ don't keep addresses, we can't do anything irl, we can only hope she is ok and will come back for support.

Mintyy Sat 01-Feb-14 22:05:09

I know her rl name, she came to the Christmas meetup and was in the fb group. The last thing I want to do is intrude though.

Travelledtheworld Sat 01-Feb-14 22:06:38

I also reported the thread earlier this afternoon, in case they do have any contact details. No response from MNHQ though......

Hopefully she is completely zonked and will wake eventually.

Travelledtheworld Sat 01-Feb-14 22:07:42

minty perhaps you could send her a friendly message via Facebook ?
Is she alone as she sounds on this forum ?

Maryz Sat 01-Feb-14 22:08:06

It is difficult, isn't it Mintyy.

If I was her, I wouldn't want anyone notifying the authorities. She has a lodger, so isn't at home alone. She may be feeling pretty shit, but I do hope she comes back for support, because she really needs it and it's hard to get in real life because very few people really understand.

Travelledtheworld Sat 01-Feb-14 22:12:40

I had forgotten she has a lodger. Good that there is someone else in the house who can call for help if necessary.......

Hels20 Sat 01-Feb-14 22:19:30

Aah - if she has a lodger that puts my mind at ease somewhat.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I have reported my post.

Maryz Sat 01-Feb-14 22:58:04

I am really hoping she is feeling shit and embarrassed and a bit of an idiot.

Doin, if it's any consolation, at one point when ds was really bad I went up to my nearest railway track and was ready to jump. I really thought it was for the best - without me there, he might be better off, and I really wanted it to just all go away.

Luckily, a friend came along, thought I was just going for a walk, and by the time I finished talking to her I felt a bit stupid, but had got past that point.

When you come back here, we will understand. Things will get better. Honestly they will.

Mintyy Sat 01-Feb-14 23:06:14

We really just want to know that you are ok Doin. No need to talk any more about dd if you aren't up to it right now xx

CouthyMow Sat 01-Feb-14 23:14:42

I did report to HQ last night. I hope Doin is ok.

Maryz Sat 01-Feb-14 23:16:17

They have emailed her.

It's ok, Doin, come back when you are ready, or you can just reply to MNHQ and they will tell us. No pressure, you don't need to talk to anyone, we just care.

TeaAndSconesTwice Sat 01-Feb-14 23:18:56

I hope your ok doin, lots of people thinking about you and holding your hand x

McFox Sat 01-Feb-14 23:19:43

I reported last night too. I'm glad to hear that there's a lodger there.

Hope you are ok Doin, we are just worried.

Merel Sun 02-Feb-14 00:57:31

Just dropping by to see if Doinmummy has arisen. If you are around at all OP, hope you are feeling a bit better tonight. There are many people here keen to offer support and eager to here news from you, so hope we hear from you soon.

Doinmummy Sun 02-Feb-14 04:49:18

I've just woken up. Sorry to have worried you all. It was lovely drifting off in to nothung

Travelledtheworld Sun 02-Feb-14 05:01:59

Welcome back !
Good to see you on here again.
Do you feel OK ?

As you can see I suffer from Chronic Insomnia and am wide awake right now.....

Doinmummy Sun 02-Feb-14 05:18:47

I don't feel,right . I just want to take more tablets . I wish someone could help me

earlymorningcinders Sun 02-Feb-14 05:31:48


are you there

please call an ambulance

things change so quickly

just think about yourself for now


Travelledtheworld Sun 02-Feb-14 05:32:35

You will feel really down after a big dose of Zopiclone. Don't take any more tablets ! You will feel groggy for a while. Can you manage to make yourself a cuppa and get a bit of toast or something to get your blood sugar up ?

Travelledtheworld Sun 02-Feb-14 05:35:03

Then call The Samaritans . There will be someone there you can talk to.

08457 90 90 90

earlymorningcinders Sun 02-Feb-14 05:35:42

im not in the uk

but would make you both a cup of tea if I could

hope you are okay

Travelledtheworld Sun 02-Feb-14 05:44:51

Just had a cuppa myself and a bowl of " Oat so simple".
Might go back to sleep for a couple of hours now.

earlymorningcinders Sun 02-Feb-14 05:48:40

glad you had a cuppa

I have no idea on sleeping tabs

but think maybe you should call someone

please believe me things change
in life

think a little away ahead

take care

CurlyFox Sun 02-Feb-14 05:55:51

Doin I hope you are ok. Is there someone you can call? Samaritans? A friend?

brighteyedcinders Sun 02-Feb-14 06:21:14

slight name change

am going to sleep myself
hope you are okay

and good luck

flow4 Sun 02-Feb-14 08:15:21

I'm really glad you're back with us, Doin. smile

You will probably feel quite rough. Zopiclone is powerful stuff and you took too much of it. Please don't take any more.

You will prob get some withdrawal symptoms, which could be quite bad because you took so much, but shouldn't last long (a couple of days) unless you have been taking it for a while.

Here's what the NHS Choices website says can be the withdrawal symptoms:
"These include headaches, musclepain, extreme anxiety, tension, restlessness, confusion, irritability, rebound insomnia, tremor, sweating, agitation, palpitations, faster heart rate, delirium, nightmares, panic attacks, muscle cramps and gastrointestinal problems. If withdrawal is severe the following may occur: derealisation, depersonalisation, numbness and tingling of the extremities, hypersensitivity to light, noise and physical contact, hallucinations or seizures".

Like I said in my PM, I do think you need to get yourself checked out. Can you get a taxi to A&E? Tell them everything, if you can face it. I mean everything that has been going on with DD, as well as all the medication you've taken.

If you can't face A&E, here are some other places you could try...
Your GP (except you said they were useless... sad )
NHS Direct
The Samaritans
Family Lives (formerly Parentline) - 0808 800 2222
A local women's centre, if you have one.

CouthyMow Sun 02-Feb-14 12:54:58

I. Glad you are still here, Doin. I was worried about you. I still am. Please seek some help.

McFox Sun 02-Feb-14 14:16:45

Glad to hear you're back with us, please take some of the advice and speak to one of the agencies highlighted below. You need help just now, as we all would, and that's what they are there for. Please look after yourself.

Doinmummy Sun 02-Feb-14 18:32:19

I can't be arsed to call anyone I feel like shiny

flow4 Sun 02-Feb-14 18:45:18

Please do, Doin. None of us here can help you in real life, however much we'd like to - and I really do think you need a bit of real life support now.

Ah crap, Doin, I missed how bad things were for you over the last couple of days.

How are you today? How are you feeling?
I hope you have somebody to support you in RL - MN is not the place when you are really low.

Thinking of you thanks

jstsrsos Mon 03-Feb-14 12:07:50

Doin, you really do have to call someone. You must honey! You can't cope on your own and you need help but you have to SHOUT for it. Really make a tremendous effort to make yourself heard, even if just to a rl friend. Infact, particularly a rl friend or relative. What about the boyfriend's mum, do you feel able to talk with her at all?

Doin i echo everyone else. Please get some RL help.

flow4 Mon 03-Feb-14 22:54:50

Doin has PMed me to say she's in hospital.

CouthyMow Tue 04-Feb-14 00:17:55

Doin, if and when you read this, I'm glad you are getting some help. thanks

WynkenBlynkenandNod Tue 04-Feb-14 07:28:11

Thank you for letting us know Flow. Doin flowers

Maryz Tue 04-Feb-14 19:16:42

Thanks for letting us know, Flow.

I didn't want to post again here because I didn't want Doin to feel we were all getting at her.

Doin, I'm so glad you are finally getting some help. You have coped with life chucking things at you in a way that none of us should have to. It isn't surprising you have finally cracked up.

I hope they are being nice to you, and that you can gather your strength. flowers and I'm thinking of you.

Ah, flow, thanks for letting us know.

Doin, I am glad you are in a safe place. Please be v kind to yourself and let yourself be looked after.

flow4 Fri 07-Feb-14 14:55:42

Just a quick update to let you know I've heard from Doin again, and she's feeling a bit better.

WynkenBlynkenandNod Fri 07-Feb-14 15:52:39

Really pleased to hear that Flow, thank you for letting us know. I've been thinking of her, as I'm sure everyone on here has been.

CouthyMow Sat 08-Feb-14 00:29:55

I'm glad. Pass on that my thoughts are with her. thanks

flow4 Sun 09-Feb-14 12:07:35

Doin says thank you for all your good wishes. She's home now. smile

Maryz Sun 09-Feb-14 12:10:32

Doin, if you are reading this, I do hope you are ok.

Raymotay Thu 31-Jul-14 19:20:16

I would kick her out the house if I were you, if she continues treating you like crap anyway. Just because she's your daughter doesn't mean she should get away with this sort of abuse..

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