Has anyone else reported their 15 year old for domestic violence?

(46 Posts)
mulranno Wed 20-Nov-13 10:28:41

Do you approach police, social services, CAMHS, GP, school? - what were the consequences? If I approach on agency are they bound to report it to the police? I need to be clear what can of worms I am opening for us all. Or has anyone successfully managed this in another way?

mulranno Wed 20-Nov-13 19:15:22

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1599899-Is-being-an-avoider-a-marriage-deal-breaker

This is my story -- which I have posted on relationships today. I am still in a state of shock about what has happened to me. I am certain that my marriage is over - but I need to find the energy and courage to take responsibility for seeing through consequences for my son assaulting me on a regular basis. I need to know what will happen if I call the police.

mulranno Wed 20-Nov-13 20:08:48

I have called the police to report the assault. They are coming to my home on Friday morning at 8am and then they will decide how to approach my son.

Hels20 Wed 20-Nov-13 20:50:54

My heart goes out to you. 6 years ago, my younger sister's personality seemed to change over night (we now think it might have been her (then un diagnosed) cancer and she started trashing my parents house where she was living. In the end, my parents had no option but to call the police. They had to press charges (it had gone on for 3 months - every night) and so she went to court (none of my family had ever been in court - my parents couldn't go, they were too distressed. So I went.) Reluctantly, she was sent to prison (for 2 weeks whilst they waited for pre sentencing report) by the magistrates as they said they had no other place for her to go and she was also massively self harming so they didn't want her going in a hostel. Social services had completely let her and the family down over the previous 4 months - she was never a priority). She was mid 20s - so not a teenager - but she had learning difficulties and was very immature.

My parents had no option even though it was exceptionally painful for us all.

The only thing I would say is that if your son is cautioned - it could affect your ability to get house insurance if he continues to live with you as you have to disclose it.

My heart really bleeds for you. Violence - against you or in the home is not acceptable. Ever. As parents, we would be prosecuted if we smacked our children. I am so so sorry for your pain. But I think you did the right thing. The police are usually good in this situation and maybe a harsh talk will shake him up and make him realise his behaviour has to change.

flow4 Wed 20-Nov-13 21:31:05

Yes mulranno, I have, and so have quite a few other people here. You call the police; no other agency will do anything, I'm afraid. I found the police helpful: they took me seriously, and said they would not arrest my DS unless I wanted them to.

Here are some of my old threads about my experiences...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1514662-15yo-daughter-is-out-of-control-and-Ive-no-idea-how-to-handle-this

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1555282-Called-999-after-DS-had-violent-outburst-against-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1807318-DS12-hit-me-yesterday-and-today

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/a1598441-MaryZs-support-thread-for-parents-of-troubled-teenagers#35223003
- esp my post to blue on Tue 06-Nov-12 14:11:08, which describes what happened when I called the police.

I'm happy to say more or try to answer questions if I can.

flow4 Wed 20-Nov-13 21:32:16

I should have said "Here are some old threads where I've posted about my experiences"...

mulranno Wed 20-Nov-13 21:59:18

Thanks Flow - I have read thru - I feel anxious about what I ahve done but I do not see any other option. this was not a one off it has escalated over the past 2 years - it wont stop otherwise

mineofuselessinformation Wed 20-Nov-13 22:17:51

Maybe not what you want to hear, but one of my dcs was violent towards me (with dh never helping address the issue). It was only after we separated that she stopped - mainly I think because she had a consistent approach and could no longer get her father 'on side' at worst, or ignoring at best. Good luck.

mulranno Thu 21-Nov-13 08:43:11

mineof...that's they way I am headed. I believe I can do better and easier which will benefit the children on my own.

mrsjay Thu 21-Nov-13 10:49:33

I am so sorry this is happened to you but I am relieved for you that you have reported it violence against parents seems to be a secret I do know of one child who has repeatedly assaulted their mother and punched walls in the house her mum will not do anything, I hope the police can help in some way

SugarMiceInTheRain Thu 21-Nov-13 11:00:06

I haven't been in your situation, but I really believe you have done the right thing in reporting this. Shielding teenagers from the consequences of their actions does them no favours in the long run. Perhaps this will be the shock that your DS needs to make him change the way he is going.

I read your other post and my heart goes out to you. Will be cheering you on over here as you navigate your way through this awful situation. Let us know what the police say after they visit tomorrow.

mulranno Thu 21-Nov-13 15:52:56

I called the school today and told them what happened. Initially they talked about school counselor but when I mentioned that I had contacted the police - they pulled in the child protection lead. It was a very reassuring conversation - she said that the police would have contacted them anyway - that they deal with this often enough and the male head of year (all bots school) does a good job in teaching them to be civilized young men - they would also offer counselling. Undecided whether to tell my husband that I have contacted the police or not - or whether to ask him to be be with me when they call? I think he needs a reality check.

mulranno Thu 21-Nov-13 16:59:51

My 15 year old gave me an unprompted sideways apology just now after nearly 3 weeks. He refused to give me any eye contact or to communicate further when I asked if he would never do it again and said that I was deliberately winding him up and provoking him - and why was I not able to accept his apology.

I suspect it is because my husband after 15 days (Tuesday) put in a consequence that he was grounded until he wrote a letter of apology - and my son is thinking about going out tomorrow night. Even though he hasnt done what my husband asked.

I am worried now that the police and school follow up with him which will now happen after his apology will escalate everything. But is a one word, no eye contact, apology (or even a letter) a sufficient consequence for his action. Am I still justified not to cancel the police and school meetings?

mrsjay Thu 21-Nov-13 18:43:16

he only apologised so he could get out I think is your husband his dad dont mean to be rude but you didnt say ? i think you should tell him what you have done please keep your chin up you need to follow through with this I think it is probably in his best interests ,

mulranno Thu 21-Nov-13 18:47:25

yes my husband is father to all 4 - do I tell my son that I have contacted the police and school - I think that this would put undue stress on him - and possibly antagonize the situation? I think that he wold be fine if the police just turned up and his head of year just called him in

mrsjay Thu 21-Nov-13 18:49:23

OH i don't know if I would tell or not I think that is for you to judge maybe not as you say it could all blow up in your face ,

wannabestressfree Thu 21-Nov-13 18:57:55

I had a long running thread on here two years ago as my son attacked me and threatened to cut my throat with a carving knife. He was 14. He was removed and after a battle was subsequently sectioned for nearly two years (he came home just before his 16th birthday)

Although the whole thing was traumatic I had to do something or I hate to think what would have happened to me and my other children

mulranno Thu 21-Nov-13 19:13:20

wannabe - that is hideous. How is he doing now? Was he diagnosed as having a mental health issue?

I do feel a bit relieved and proud that I have done this - although anxious as well. In the past when he has assaulted me and I have threatened calling the police -- he has said to me in disbelief - "what you would actually shop your own son".

I expect him to hate me for a long time and that my actions will cause a rift - but it has escalated from pushing and shoving to, gripping my arms and pushing me against the wall enough to leave significant bruising - to punching my arms - to the latest which was punching me to the floor. the latest attack was unusual as we were not having a row or in a confrontation. He just over heard me having a row with hid Dad and then just came in to batter me

wannabestressfree Thu 21-Nov-13 19:18:21

You HAD to do something. I have just read your other thread. What a terrible situation you live in and your husband is abdicating his responsibilties. I feel so sad for you. I truly understand how it feels to fear your own child and you need to nip it in the bud now. Otherwise [as you have already seen] he will continue to treat women like it....

My son is doing much much better after intensive therapy, heavy medication and a very long stay in several hospitals. If you could find my thread I would even suggest showing him, its not very nice reading.

mineofuselessinformation Thu 21-Nov-13 20:47:56

OP, my dd stamped on me on one occasion. The only thing that stopped me reporting it to the police was that she was much younger, with a diagnosis of add. Don't tell ds or dh. They both need to understand how unacceptable the behaviour is, and that you will not tolerate it any longer and I think that a visit from the police will shock them and hopefully wake them up a bit as to what is going on.

flow4 Thu 21-Nov-13 23:02:15

mulranno, you didn't give details before, and I am shocked to hear that this has been going on for two years, and the details of his assaults. I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is domestic violence without a doubt...

You do not deserve this. You have a right to be safe. You are doing absolutely the right thing here by seeking outside help and involving the police.

Coming to get you when he wasn't even in the room and punching you to the floor deliberately is way, way beyond behaviour that might be forgiven after an apology, mulranno. What you describe is not an adolescent loss of temper; it is a serious assault.

I can't help feeling that there are two abusers here. If your husband had stood by and let this happen once or twice, it would be a terrible let-down and a breach of trust, but you could just about explain it away, thinking he was slow to act because he was shocked and in denial. But after two years it is far more than a let-down: it is a total betrayal. I can't help wondering whether he's actually pleased your son is attacking you - whether he's effectively getting your child to 'do his dirty work' for him... sad I'd tell you your marriage is over, but you already know. I am so sorry. sad

Is there any way you can take the other three children and leave? Do you have anywhere to go?

I imagine with three younger children, that would be very difficult - it probably feels impossible. I just want to check that you know about refuges, and the support provided by Women's Aid for women living with or escaping domestic violence. You can call them - they offer advice and support over the phone - or you could go to a refuge, which would be a huge upheaval for you, but might be better than the life you're living now. Children are badly affected by living with domestic violence, and two years is a long time, for them as well as you.

You have already triggered a child protection referral which means social services will check to see if there are any registered concerns about any of your children. They will see it as a good thing that you are seeking help. They are more worried about women who hide problems, because they know it is hard to ask for help if you are pretending everything is ok... and in circumstances where violence is a secret, women and children are more at risk. You're not pretending, so they know you're better able to keep yourself and your children safe.

If you can't leave or don't want to, you can ask the police and social services about removing your son and husband. You may not want to do this, but I want to be sure you know it could be an option.

You have said a couple of times that you are worried about things 'escalating' if your DS finds out you've told school and the police. I guess you mean you are afraid he may beat you up. From what you have said, he might. Don't take any chances. Call 999 if you have the merest suspicion that he might get violent.

In fact, call 999 any and every time he is violent or you are afraid he might be, from now on. You have a right to be safe and feel safe, mulranno.

mulranno Fri 22-Nov-13 12:47:27

Flow - what you have said is all factually correct but it somehow seems more shocking to read.

I think that I have opened the can of worms that I didn't really want to. I saw the police this morning - they are proceeding whether I provide a written statement or not.

They consider it a low level common assault but will progress it because I mentioned numerous previous attacks which left bruising. Likely to get some sort of caution which will be on file for CRB checks - although no further action is another possible outcome.

They will formally interview him on Sunday morning with a solicitor and another appropriate adult present (we cant be there).
Think that I wish I had spoken with the school first. Not sure when and how to tell him. But I do know that he has done something very wrong and even worse is that he cant see it and I know he needs help.

I hope this doesn't tip us all over the edge. I also have my husband pleading for me not to make him move out.

ribba Fri 22-Nov-13 14:19:32

Mulranno does your husband know you have contacted the police?

mulranno Fri 22-Nov-13 14:21:45

Yes - I told himt his mornng and asked him to come with me. He did. We were interviewed separately as I was the victim and he was the witness.

ribba Fri 22-Nov-13 14:30:30

I am wondering whether the police response has given him a shock enough to examine the way in which he's dealt with this so far. Do you think you can present a united front to your DS tonight and tell him what's going to happen with the police?

You are doing your DS a favour by making him face up to the reality of what he has done. As Flow says you have a right to feel safe in your own home and so do your younger children.

What do you think would happen if your DH moved out for a time?

mrsjay Fri 22-Nov-13 14:33:51

I hope you get the help you need for your son your husband supports you and you get through this I am still with you on going to the polce about he can not think it is ok to assault you,

mulranno Fri 22-Nov-13 15:13:06

There are two things going on around this assault for my husband.

One is how he didn't handle this one or the others -- so our conversations go round and round in circles -- h saying he is sorry will never happen again, he will change etc and me saying it is just something I cant forgive.

But I think that he is so focused on that I have asked him to move out and that is the big battle he is digging his heels in over. He says that I cant cope with the 4 kids etc - I need him etc. He wants me to give him until Xmas - I want him to leave for 4 weeks at least - so that I can heal and get some perspective. I don't think that he cares what happened to me, or even our son -- I think he just cares what is now happening to him.

He cant believe that there are consequences for his behaviour.

Fifibluebell Fri 22-Nov-13 15:17:58

I have no experience in this but I truly believe you have done the right thing!! Hope you get it sorted!! thanks

flow4 Fri 22-Nov-13 22:01:15

Yes, I thought when I posted that it might be shocking to have it set down in black and white like that, mulranno. Sorry. I nearly didn't write it. But I know from my own experience of living with teenage aggression and violence for over a year that you lose a reliable sense of what is 'normal'. You just get so used to it that you forget how totally outrageous it is... And I found I needed to hear the shock of a couple of friends - people who were 'outside observers' so to speak, before I realised.

You are absolutely right to take action here. It is awful that your son has done this; it is appalling that your husband has let it happen. You are brave and strong and right to get help for yourself.

What I said to my son (when he complained "I can't believe you had your own son arrested!") might be useful for you too, even if it's just something you remind yourself, rather than something you actually say to him: "What you are doing is wrong, and you know it - it's illegal and dangerous and immoral. I can't stop you, and you can't stop yourself, so I realised I have to get the police to stop you. And I'll do that again and again until you learn to control yourself".

It's going to be a difficult few weeks for you mulranno, but it will be better in the end.

mineofuselessinformation Fri 22-Nov-13 23:02:20

OP, you h is shocked because you are finally taking action, not because he doesn't know what's going on. Put that to one side, it is for him to deal with - not you. You have asked him for help and he has not given it.
Ask yourself, how much more should you put up with?
Nothing, in my humble opinion. You have been pushed too far.
It's time to make a stand - not just for your sake, but for all of you.
Sending you strength.

mulranno Sat 23-Nov-13 15:34:53

I have finally got h to agree to move out M-F for the next 4 weeks - he can move back in on the weekends and I will stay at my sisters.

I achieved this by giving him an ultimatum that if he didn't move out by tomorrow evening I would leave with the younger children.

It has taken me 3 long weeks of digging in my heels to get to this point.

He finally put in a consequence for my son earlier this week - 15 days after the assault - telling him that he would not now be allowed out until he wrote me a letter of apology.

He has not done this yet and I know he has plans to go out this evening. I mentioned this to my husband - and his first response was "Well I wont be here to stop him as I am going out".....followed up with "Do you think we should let him off the letter writing and let him go out tonight as it will do him good to see his friends as he will be under so much stress with the police etc.".........................WTF!

flow4 Sat 23-Nov-13 16:23:58

Well it's obvious why your son is struggling to learn how to control himself, isn't it? sad

I am glad your husband has agreed to move out. Presumably he will expect you to 'let him off', as he is inclined to let your son off. Have you thought through what you will do if he says "Oh, you didn't really mean it, did you?" or "Actually, I don't think it's a good idea..."

mulranno Sat 23-Nov-13 18:05:14

Flow - yes he is very stubborn - hence it taking 3 weeks of me demanding he leave. He keeps asking if he is coming back in 4 weeks - I said that we will cross that bridge when we reach it.

mineofuselessinformation Sun 24-Nov-13 18:58:08

Was it today that interviews were supposed to happen?
Hope you're doing ok OP.

mulranno Sun 24-Nov-13 20:39:16

Yes it was today. He was given some sort of record on the local database - suspect in a crime of common assault - which will not show on standard crb checks and is not on the national database. It was not too bad he didn't cry - he is more anxious about school being involved and facing that tomorrow. How ever I still don't think he gets it. He has said that he wont do it again as long as we don't stress him out....

Cazzymaddy Sun 24-Nov-13 21:16:53

Like one of the posters above, the only thing that stopped me calling the police was that DD2 is only 11 and has a diagnosed mental health illness- even tho CAMHS suggested having a police report on her record would spur social services into acting to provide a crisis place for her - I'm still not sure which I am more cross about-the fact I still have bruises and bite marks on my arms (and not one person (professionals) gave a damn or the fact that it was suggested that a person with mental health problems be treated in such a shabby way. FTR she is now in a calm place with DH (which we provided, meaning that SS and CAMHS had to do basically the minimum at the time, tho support has since been offered by the appropriate people. If she had been 15, like the OP- I'm not sure what I would have done.

mulranno Mon 25-Nov-13 23:07:59

Cazzymaddy - I am so sorry to hear your story and I am glad that you are in a better place now.

mulranno Mon 25-Nov-13 23:08:31

Can I just say an amazingly, massive, life changing thank-you to everyone who has listened advised and supported me over the past few days.

I could not have done this with RL advice. My friends and family although shocked with son and husband have stepped away from the shit storm (which I understand) when I came out to them last week and have either been negatively judgmental, non committal or even non contactable....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1916443-to-be-hurt-that-after-sharing-a-major-marriage-crisis-with-friends

flow4 Mon 25-Nov-13 23:43:34

Well, either your friends don't quite believe it's happening yet, perhaps because it has been going on for two years and you haven't drawn a line before; or it's time to find new friends...

SugarMiceInTheRain Tue 26-Nov-13 11:51:07

Perhaps your friends/ family are wary about all rallying round you, joining you in saying how terrible the behaviour of your son and husband is etc, in case you are all back together playing happy families in a few weeks and they can't take back what they've said about your family, if you see what I mean? Same reason I'm cautious about what I say to my friend whose husband is emotionally and financially abusive. Until she has actually started the divorce process I won't say much (except that I wouldn't put up with his behaviour) because part of her thinks she can still make it work, even though she's been trying to change things for over a decade. sad Sorry for going off on a tangent there but I can sort of see why your friends and family are being distant, even though IMO you need their support right now.

hmm at your son's response - he won't do it again as long as you don't stress him out? What the hell? His behaviour is unacceptable even from someone who is stressed out! Sounds like he still doesn't appreciate how serious it is! You are doing well, keep going. The M-F plan with regards to your H sounds good for now, and will give you the space you need. Sending you best wishes and positive thoughts. I'm impressed at how you are dealing with all this.

mineofuselessinformation Tue 26-Nov-13 16:30:18

^^ This post makes very good points. I expect some people will start to be much more supportive when they realise you really mean it about the split - you'll probably find they have opinions on your h you've never heard before too.
As for ds, have you pointed out that it is his behaviour that needs to change, not yours? Don't forget too, that if you put a sanction in place, you should expect h to enforce it when he is with ds. (You could always take the router with you at weekends just to be sure of course if that's what you decide!)

mulranno Wed 27-Nov-13 19:55:32

Unexpectedly my son has been really good with me the last couple of days - I expected him to run off with his Dad and hate me forever.

His Dad said that we couldn't get divorced because my son would hate me, leave with him and I would have then broken up the family - and I believed this to be a real and acceptable possibility - that's how bad things were.

But it has not been like that at all. I know that he hates noise, stress and mess and I promised him that my aim was to create a calm peaceful house by getting his Dad to leave so that I can run our family my way and the the right way.

And this is where we are only 3 days in....I spent Monday night with him looking at Uni courses on line and this afternoon with him at school discussing A level options. He doesn't hate me at all - in fact it has become obvious that he really respects me and he has shown this more in the last 3 days than in the last 3 years - so this an amazing and unexpected outcome.

I did read some where that a family is only as happy as its most unhappy child -- and I think that this is true as the family dynamic is pulled down to the lowest common denominator. I have been really shocked and devastated that I have raised this dysfunctional and unhappy family.

Family life is sooo important to me I am the oldest of seven, have 60 odd first cousins and work ethic, kindness, fun, teamwork and respect are how I was brought up and all I wanted was to replicate this with my own big brood. I didn t choose to have 4 kids because I hate parenting.

So it would brilliant to turn this all around before their childhood is over.

I really did think that my oldest would walk out and hate me forever - but I thought that was worth it if I could prevent blighting the younger 3's future.

flow4 Wed 27-Nov-13 20:54:14

I'm glad things seem better, mulranno. smile
An anecdote... When my DS1 was small, I knew I needed to separate from his father, who was an abusive alcoholic. But I really, really wanted to create a 'happy family', and didn't want to acknowledge that I didn't have one... And I felt so, so guilty...

In the end, the person who said the most useful thing was my ex's sister, who as well as being the person my ex was closest to, was an experienced health visitor. She said to me that her brother would never make me happy, and that in her experience, a child needed a happy mother to be happy her/himself.

It has been 18 years since I separated from DS's dad, and it hasn't all been easy, of course. But IMO, my ex's sister was right: my kids are most happy and settled when I am happy. smile

mulranno Thu 28-Nov-13 13:55:09

Thanks flow --It has taken me a long time to understand this.

My father died when I was very young so for me 2 parents was a precious gift that I wanted my children to have - as I have felt defective, flawed, etc by my own loss of a parent in early childhood. But this is not the same situation - their Dad is in their life everyday.

I don't want to continue to be the exhausted, angry, seething resentful person that I am when he is around - passive aggressively dismantling my life - as that is what my children see and experience of me although it is not directed at them.

Even this morning - I spotted something that sent me into orbit. We have had a blocked over flowing drain by the back door for weeks -- he never notices or takes any action for household maintainence - so at the weekend I asked him to sort it. This is the man in the doggest of dog houses in dogelonia - today I noticed that he had just lifted the chicken wire cover with all the crap blocking it and left it on the ground by the back door - job done...I know that this is another irrational example of me "looking for straws" - but it is another of the millions of examples of ineptitude that I live with day an night. ds2 said to me last week -- why do you always mumble "fucking useless" when talking about Dad....

Feeling a bit wobbly today about the weekend arrangements for tomorrow. Plan is that the kids stay here - h out of the house m-f and me f-s.

He has been at his mothers and hating it -- but been in and out of here - taking youngest to school, ds2 to physio, sorting revision notes for ds1 etc. So they have all seen him briefly everyday - was hanging around way too long last night and getting involved in my routines - so I asked him to leave. Stupidly I agreed that he could stay this evening as I have my company xmas do, needed a babysitter and will be back late.

But this is making me feel suffocated and uneasy as that means he will be here right through to Sunday. I am going to tell him he cant stay.

Also the looming reality of sofa surfing over the weekend is making me anxious. I work long hours 5 days a week - and at the weekend - just want down time an to be at home - to tidy up, do my washing, chill out etc.

I don't want to be a house guest. Maybe I should just invest a cheap travelodge for this weekend for the sake of my mental health.

mineofuselessinformation Thu 28-Nov-13 16:46:01

If you can afford it, book a hotel and do some things you will enjoy. You deserve a bit of 'you' time, even if that's just laying on a bed reading all weekend.
Ditto getting someone in to sort out the jobs - don't leave it. My xh buggered off and left me with loads of jobs to do on and around then house - not something I'd recommend.

flow4 Thu 28-Nov-13 20:51:44

It's bound to be painful, mulranno; you have years of marriage to disentangle. If you find you still want him gone despite the challenges, then that's probably a pretty clear sign that this is the right decision.

Funny... A drain was the last straw in my relationship, too. My ex had a habit of peeing in the drain outside the kitchen door, because he couldn't be bothered climbing the stairs to the loo. I'd stand at the kitchen sink doing the washing up night after night, catching whiffs of urine. I asked him over and over again to clean it, tip some bleach down it, etc... He just ignored me, until eventually he started to get angry with me for 'nagging', and I thought "Sod this, not only does he expect me to tolerate disgusting habits, but also he wants to turn me into the Bad Guy"... sad

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