Can't carry on, emotionally had enough of 16 yr old DD1 I'm in urgent need of advice PLEASE

(103 Posts)
Mumtomygirls Thu 10-Oct-13 03:56:50

This is my 3rd thread. Can't deal with this anymore sad 16 yr old DD. After weeks of problems (first two threads) it all started yet again today, she told us she is doing this and doing that and we said as long as she does her homework, has dinner & does her chore of washing the dishes she can go out every evening till 9:30pm with her boyfriend or friends. She replied with she doesn't have to ask if she can go out and will come in when she pleases. We have said that no it's homework, dinner & chore then go out till 9:30 that's the deal. Then she said about this ball that she's been invited to which is on the same day as my birthday meal where there will be friends and my whole family. DD said that she's going to the ball and sleeping over in a hotel room with her boyfriend whether we like it or not and she doesn't want to come to my pathetic birthday meal. We said she will be the only member of the family that won't be there and she said BF's family are my family, you're not, they care for me more then you do and they aren't trouble like you! We told her to stop being so rude and she stomped off upstairs kicking everything along the way, then we hear her in our bedroom and go to investigate, her excuse was she was packing her things and going to BF's house and wanted to find a holdall bag. I asked her to leave my room and go and either sit in the lounge or go to her room to calm down. At this point she then blocked me from getting out of my own room, I asked her to move and let me get through and she kept pushing herself into me I called my other DD2 out of her room to ask her to get daddy to help me get downstairs with that DD1 tried pushing me into a collection of glasses and cups that she had removed from her room earlier and was meant to take downstairs. I told her to stop pushing me cause if I land on them it's going to hurt and she said so what now you know what it's like being stopped from doing something and she proceeded to push into me more. DH came up stairs and told her to get off me and let me pass she let me get to the top of the stairs then she stood in front of them and wouldn't let me by again and said that I was trying to push her down the stairs (although might I add I was not touching her with any part of me, she was pushing her body into me to shove me backwards) she eventually moved out of the way and allowed me downstairs. I got in contact with my disabled mum for some advice and she said bring her here and she can spend the night to
Calm down. I got DD1 into the car and drove the 40 minute journey to mums house and then DD1 wouldn't get out of the car, screaming at me and trying to lock me out of the car, I stopped her using the hijack lock and she managed to twist my elbow and punch my hand I realised that there was no way I was taking her into my elderly mum the way she was acting so I got back into the car to drive away and DD1 then climbed into the back seat and wouldn't put her seatbelt on I said I wanted to go home she needed to belt up so I could pull away and she eventually did after about 10 minutes of refusing and then when I was driving along she took the seat belt off while I was on the motorway -.- I told her to put it on and she replied with You know I could smash this car window and jump out, I said don't be so silly now belt up so we can get up safe, she then accused me of kidnapping her and said that she's hated me for months and she doesn't know why she calls me mummy cause I'm rotten and when I die she will be so happy then she said as a matter of fact when both you and daddy go I will have a party cause I don't love any of you now take me to BFs house NOW!

When we reached home she walked into the house kicked the vase in the hallway then the cat and stormed into the lounge. Again we said if she can stop this disrespect she can still go to the ball but we will pick her up at 2am.

I said that I was going to have a chat with her BF to see if that was ok with him (just to make sure he didn't get stroppy with DD1 for it) he was completely fine about it and when I told DD1 that it's all fine she called me a Fucking Whore for talking to her BF and smashed the crap out of her bedroom door again.

Then 30 minutes later she came down and took my new shower gel from the side (newly unpacked shopping from before argument happened) and also took my own personal towel that belonged to grandad and went to go back upstairs. I asked her to use the shower gel that was bought for her and her sister and to use her own towel or the household towels she picked up a bottle of shampoo and threw it at me (smashing and going everywhere on the floor) then she started laughing at me like it was all a big joke. Ran upstairs had a bath and hair wash then came downstairs demanding to know where I was going (I was going to the 24 hour shop to get headache tablets as head was thudding by this time and elbow was throbbing) I told her where I was going and she tried forcing past me to get into the car, I said no she wasn't coming with me as one I need to be alone for a little while and two it was gone midnight and she has school in the morning. I had to get her Dad to help stop her coming with me and get her back indoors. On my return she made a point of sitting in the seat I always sit in so I just ignored it and asked her and DH if they would like a warm drink and she mumbled something then stomped upstairs again calling us all pathetic idiots. I just don't know what to do anymore. Please someone give me some advice that I haven't tried already sad

Roshbegosh Thu 10-Oct-13 04:23:29

She is a tyrant. I would be arrested for her murder by now. I have no idea how to make her change but I do know you need to keep yourself and the rest of the family safe. I'm so sorry for you, I've been close as a foster Carer but not as bad as your DD. Maybe she does need to move in with boyfriend and when they chuck her out she might calm down. The other thing is, could something awful be going on for her that you don't know about?

Mumtomygirls Thu 10-Oct-13 04:34:20

When I spoke to her BF earlier he told me they have been arguing for the past two weeks whenever they have been out together and even says how much she's changed. But now I fear that he has got what he wants (sex) he will dump her sad

I have tried talking to her in the past and some days I feel like she's back to her old self but then wham! She's back to this girl who doesn't seem to have any emotion, almost cold hearted?

I already know she has a problem with accepting responsibility for her actions for example my elbow has got burst blood vessels on it now where she twisted it and her answer for that was. Well you shouldn't try to stop me doing what I want.
She's also been lying about the silliest of things lately but quite a lot. I don't know what's happening to her all I know it's like 2 completely different people when she doesn't get her own way

rosemount Thu 10-Oct-13 04:39:18

She's got you dancing round her like a puppet on a string. You lost my sympathy when you gave permission to "still go to the ball", then checked with boyfriend "if that was OK". WTAF? Ground her for at least a month.

Mumtomygirls Thu 10-Oct-13 04:46:01

Last three time we tried grounding her she didn't come home for the night then the second time she jumped out of bedroom window and ran away for a week and the third time while she was grounded she walked out the door and then lied to police and said DH had grabbed her to try and make her return home which I can say 100% hand on my heart he did NOT do. Luckily police brought her back the third time. Iv got to the point that I'm not sure if I'm crying due to the pain in my arm or the stress from it all

Roshbegosh Thu 10-Oct-13 04:48:47

Grounding her might provoke violence or at least some damage to the home. What about pocket money? That would not curtail her freedom but would give her a message about how dependent she still is.

Totally disengage. No contact, no money, no phone paid for etc. strip room. Any violence call police.

If she is violent to you call police. If she threatens to jump
Out of car on motorway, pull over and call and call police.

She has you running around like a puppet and is controlling you. If dd had me cornered I would not need to call DH to get me out of the situation I would get out myself showing her that I am a bloody force to be reckoned with.

I understand you are probably feeling insecure and weak with regards to her st present but you need to not show her this. Teenagers smell fear like bloody dogs IMO.

Mumtomygirls Thu 10-Oct-13 04:58:05

She works part time so isn't in need of money from us. She gets something like £150 a month from that. I just feel like I'm lost and don't know which way to turn anymore

Mumtomygirls Thu 10-Oct-13 05:02:59

I'm scared that if I was to moved her out of the way using force she would report me to the police as she has done this to her father even when he hadn't even grabbed hold of her like she said. I just want my daughter back sad this is breaking my heart and I can't cope seeing her like this. A very close old school friend of mine has actually witness some of her outbursts and has told me that they would section her if they saw how she was from one minute to the next

So what do you do for her? Does she buy all clothes, toilet tries, pay bus fares etc.

Please tell me you do not taxi her about.

Do it do her washing, do not cook for her,

Tell her whilst she is biting the hand that feeds her she gets nothing back.

No they would not section her. Her problems sound behavioural not mental health issues. It is not easy to be sectioned at all.

She knows she has you in a corner after speaking to the police the first time. Have a witness and excerpt your authority. She cannot control you with this card and needs to see it.

Mumtomygirls Thu 10-Oct-13 05:11:00

We live in a small town however she does get taken to school in the morning and to work at the weekend and when she goes out she gets picked up. We buy 75% of her clothes and toiletries. Yes we wash her clothing even
Down to her work Uniform as she always leaves it to last minute (and by that I mean midnight the night before work) and of course we cook for her. But to me they're basics of being a parent? She wants for nothing but at the same
Time I don't feel that there's anything we can take away from her? She seems to not care

Mumtomygirls Thu 10-Oct-13 05:14:02

She's got to the point where she fabricates lots of things and actually believes them herself. Even when there has been 2 or 3 people who know she's telling a fib she will still swear down that she's right.
Iv been trying to encourage her to go to counselling but she just shrugs it off and then tells the school that she wants to go but we won't allow it -.-

DontCallMeDaughter Thu 10-Oct-13 05:50:07

I'm treading gently here... But mummytomygirls you've posted a couple of threads, I've read them before. And then a bunch of people make suggestions and you reply saying why their suggestions won't work.... So I'm not sure what you're hoping for here... If you just need to vent, then that's absolutely fine... But if you want the situation to change, then you're going to have to change how you're dealing with dd.

I agree that food, clothes, transport to school etc is basics of parenting. But then so is teaching them that actions have consequences. If your dd doesn't learn that her actions have consequences then why should she change her actions? She's getting everything her own way at the moment with a good dose of drama thrown in.

I suggest you read back through all of your threads, make a note of ALL of the suggestions however daft you think they are. Discuss them all with dh and build an action plan together...

Roshbegosh Thu 10-Oct-13 05:53:40

You are doing way more then the basics OP. While I agree she would most likely not be sectioned now I would put money on long term involvement with mental health services. I think the posters who say you should call the police if she is violent and right, bang on. You must, as I said earlier, keep yourself and your family safe. Being nice isn't working, so stop.

uptheanty Thu 10-Oct-13 06:02:58

Your dd really is calling all the shots. You did the correct thing by removing her from the house but then you allowed her to control the situation and you didn't go through with dropping her off?
Of course dd's behaviour escalates then as she realises you don't know what to do with the whole seatbelt debacle.

You need to stop trying to placate her by giving in hoping that it will improve her behaviour. It won't!

I would let her leave, let her go to her boyfriends, stop trying to manage her.

It's a really difficult thing to do but your dd is leaving you with no option.

Oblomov Thu 10-Oct-13 06:14:34

I agree. If you want her to come back to you, then you are going to have to push her away, let her fall and let her realise that she needs to come back to you.

MrsZimt Thu 10-Oct-13 06:21:30

Mummy, I have read your previous threads and the situation hasn't changed. Have you taken any steps to stop her behaving like an utter arse?

I would stop being nice to her. She's laughing at you, disregarding your personal space and posessions, has injured you. Have you seen a doctor, has this injury been recorded somehow? That would be my first step. She tried to make out your husband attacked her when she is the attacker in your house.
She seems out of control.

I would have stopped all the taxi service and laundry at midnight long ago. The same goes for everything beyond the basic care (food, clothes) such as taking her to school and work.

She treats you as her slaves and it's time she realised she's the child, you are the parent. With her £150 a month she won't get very far, so she has to rely on you.
You need help with parenting her, please go and get it before she does more damage (to you, your house, your relationship, her sister, herself).

I would have called the police when she twisted your elbow.

JGBMum Thu 10-Oct-13 07:27:01

Sounds truly awful, but I agree with the other posters, it's (past) time your dd understood that you were not put in this earth to be her slave and her punch bag.

If it were me, the only lift I would give her would be to school. That's it. If that means she loses her weekend job, so be it. She doesn't need the cash, she wants it. Big difference.

Laundry - school clothes only. After that she wears dirty or does her own. Non negotiable. Oh and remind her she needs to clean her own bedding and towels each week.

Evening meals, and food at the weekend. Tell her what is available for her to cook for herself. Eg, this piece of chicken, some pasta and these vegetables. She cooks that, or toast, or goes hungry.

It is really time that you took control again in your own home. You simply cannot carry on the way you have been. She needs to change, and you need to stop enabling her appalling behaviour.

If she can't, or won't, then she will need social services intervention as she is a danger to you and the other family members.

Stop driving her about. School yes, job, no.

Can you not see that you are actually facilitating this behaviour and making the situation worse.

CAMHS is literally groaning under the weight of kids who are unable to control themselves as they have not been taught to. Believe me the 6 ft tall boy who has a panic button in his house for his mum to press when he attacks her is not in an acute setting because he has a mental health issue. He is there because his parents have never dealt with his appropriately.

You are not helping your daughter at all. You are letting her treat you as a complete mug. Get some self respect back by pulling the cosy little rug from under her feet and she will at some point look back and thank you for it.

poachedeggs Thu 10-Oct-13 07:45:04

I don't have a teenager (but I was one, and at times a pretty horrible one).

The overwhelming thing that strikes a chord here is all the drama. It's like reading a soap storyline. At that age I thought life was like EastEnders. I suspect she does too. In your shoes I'd make a huge effort to reduce my reactions, my expressed feelings and my expressed interest. I'd act neutral and bored. Disengage.

Continually getting on board with all of her hysteria just amplifies it. If you just shrug and ignore, that totally take the power out of her behaviour. And you need to do way way less for her, but not in a goading, big-announcement sort of way. Just in a now-you're-16-you-are-mature-enough-to-do-this-<shrug> sort of way

GeorginaWorsley Thu 10-Oct-13 08:04:07

We had bit of rough time with DD1
years ago at this age.
No violence involved thank god but plenty of verbal wars.
My solution was to disengage completely.
Instead of saying ' be in at 10' or whatever,which she would ignore anyway,we just left her to it.
Suddenly her little rebellion had no power,so she came home earlier anyway!
Id also say pick your battles carefully.
It can be very easy as I remember well to argue over everything she does,most if which she will be going to get this very reaction.
if you stop facilitating her dramas,they will lose there power.
Re the ball,I would let her pay fir herself plus her hotel room if that is what she's threatening.
They are probably having sex anyway,its one night,let them pay fir it themselves,they don't have to do it at your expense.
If she thinks you aren't bothered if she stays over she might not waste her money!!

Inkspellme Thu 10-Oct-13 08:42:31

There is no one else who you would allow to speak to you or treat you like this. If this was your dp or dh there would be lots and lots of ltb posts. If it was a stranger they could be arrested for assault. your dd doesn't get to treat you this way-but she will if you let her.

it does seem you have been given lots of advice that you only point out doesn't work. and then you come back and say "help". there is no instant fix. take some of the advice, make a plan you can carry out and stick to it.

Would a taxi driver take a fare from a violent passenger? Would a landlord allow a violent abusive tenant to occupy their B&B? Would a restaurant put food in front of a violent abusive customer?

No No No!!!

You are doing her no favours by allowing this to go. In DS to would go as far as to say you are as much part of the problem as she is.

My DS is 8. He doesn't behave or say thank you and treat me with respect then there are no treats or extras. Why do you think this should not apply to your dd?

Seriously stop sweating about stuff like towels and shower gel and address her behaviour properly and adequately.

MorrisZapp Thu 10-Oct-13 09:17:31

Blimey, this all sounds awful. Fwiw, my mum stopped buying me any clothes at all when I was 15. Not as a punishment, but because she said she couldn't afford to and I was old enough to get a job. So I did.

I never got a lift or had my uniform washed. My parents were busy people and considered me old enough to do all that myself. I was an exemplary employee (washing dishes!) and I learned so much about timekeeping, responsibility etc when it was my own spending money at stake.

You may think your dd is a child, but she isn't. In days gone by she'd be getting ready to run a house of her own at that age. Step back, withdraw all the pampering. Let her do it herself.

BurberryQ Thu 10-Oct-13 09:28:57

look if your husband had behaved like this (door smashing, physical abuse, verbal abuse, pushing you around) and you posted the problem on mumsnet, people would advising you to contact Womens Aid and to LTB wouldn't they? go figure.
She is sixteen, maybe you should stop telling her to do her homework and stuff?

BurberryQ Thu 10-Oct-13 09:30:13

and why are you offering to make her 'warm drinks' when you feel like hell and she has been pushing you about? Seriously?

Inkspellme Thu 10-Oct-13 15:15:30

Second the comment about warm drinks. I have a 15 year old dd - if she had been half as obnoxious and rude to me i guarantee you she wouldn't be offered a warm drink.

Stop enabling her to treat you this way.

WynkenBlynkenandNod Thu 10-Oct-13 15:27:49

She's seen you won't follow through now. You took her to your Mum's but didn't carry through the threat. You won't let her go to school in unclean clothes even if it means staying up to midnight to wash for her. She behaves extremely badly and gets a nice hot drink at the end of it. You taxi her around do she can go and spend money to do whatever she wants.

What's in it for her to behave when she can behave terribly and still get everything she wants ?

Facebaffle Thu 10-Oct-13 15:41:53

What is your dh doing to help you? Does she treat him the same? A couple of times in your post you mentioned getting him to help, how is he not realising what's going on in the first place.

You've got to listen to the advice on here and stop being a mug. She has no respect for you.

bordellosboheme Thu 10-Oct-13 15:45:02

Stop getting into a battle of wills with her. Treat like a 2 year old having a tantrum. Stop doing all those things for her. She will soon realise which side her bread is buttered on!

chocoluvva Thu 10-Oct-13 16:55:58

Poachedeggs, Georgina, Bordellosboheme and Dontcallmedaughter's posts.

You are inadvertently inflaming the situation by refusing to budge on things like time to be home. 16YOs don't want 'deals' - the idea of a deal reinforces her annoyance at being denied the chance to make her own choices.

Obviously she is behaving very badly. But as others have said, there's no point wringing your hands and continuing to treat her the way you've been doing. Step right back. You will not win this battle of wills.

Don't take what she says personally - she is desperate to go to the do with her BF and you're stopping her so she's furious.

Renniehorta Thu 10-Oct-13 17:58:05

If I were in your shoes I would be very relieved that she did not want to come to my birthday party. At least you know that she won't spoil it.

I would also stop trying to facilitate her getting to school and work. She is obviously straining at the leash to take responsibility for her life. So I would call her bluff and let her. You cannot make someone else live the life that you want them to live if they won't cooperate.

I know that it is incredibly difficult to let your dc follow a path that you disapprove of but in this case you are going to have to for your mental health and that of your daughter.

If you let her go, she will come back. She is almost guaranteed to crash and burn.

I have been in the situation where you feel that you have to hold things together for the sake of appearances and because you wish that they were other than they are. It does not work.

Mumtomygirls Thu 10-Oct-13 21:21:18

Rules set today and she has been told
That if she doesn't abide by them that's it she's out to fend for herself:-

Phone
Was taken until just now
I just made her get her clothing washed herself AND when she wouldn't stop poking DD2 I sent her to "time out" like I used to pre teen age and I made her stand by the wall for 16 minutes and not speak and to my bloody shock she did it :O

Rules of house are:-

Homework, dinner eaten & do dishes. Then she can go out till 9/9:30 pm but only if we aren't doing anything as a family.

Phone is to be left on the fireplace at 11:30 each night when she goes to bed or she loses it for the next 24 hours.

Respect & a more grown up attitude will be rewarded with lifts to school/work/shops.

If she wants BF to be included in family events then she needs to start remembering she's a part of this family.

If she's late home without a worthy excuse and letting us know she's going to be late she is grounded the next night.

She is to ask for things rather then to just take things.

She didn't do her homework tonight when she was meant to so she didn't go out and is currently laying on the lounge floor doing her assignment.

She was told that she can go to the ball until 2am until we found out that it's an over 18 yr old event only as we spoke to the chairman of the association so she is NOT going now unless he accepts full responsibility for her and we pick her up at 2am.

I have told her that the very next time she lays a finger on me I'm likely to slap her ass and pack her bags for her and send her on her way.

I completely snapped today but made sure I was calm when I set all the rules and we managed to nip another argument in the bud earlier but myself and DH sticking together in front of her.

I have decided to go back to treating her like a child if she wishes to act like one.

First day to the rest of our lives and yes we will have our ups and downs but she now knows that there are two figures of authority in this house and that's myself and DH

Doinmummy Thu 10-Oct-13 21:26:54

Op can you ask the school for a referral to Family Solutions?

I've had the same with my DD (still got a door off its hinges)

They've been so helpful

Doinmummy Thu 10-Oct-13 21:30:21

I would narrow down the list of rules, it's far too much .

My rules are : no violence, no drugs

That's it. I've had to let so much go by the board in order to bring a bit of harmony to the house, but it has worked

Doinmummy Thu 10-Oct-13 21:31:24

If she lays a hand on you call the police. I did. It's the only way trust me.

Mumtomygirls Thu 10-Oct-13 21:36:43

DoinMummy. We have been trying to get her to family counselling but it's proving to be tricky but we are still persevering.

The rules are basic rules that our other daughter has to abide by and has no problem with them. DD1 was given an inch and takes a mile so we have reverted back to the ways that she used to respect and follow without fail and so far she is behaving really well in comparison to recent times and she's not gained anything apart from her phone back after 24 hours of it being taken and a little self respect for herself

gamerchick Thu 10-Oct-13 21:40:39

Ffs. . Let her pack her bag and leave.. lock the door behind her and enjoy a few days of peace.

Mine was back in 3 days. It was a lot easier to lay the law down after that.

Doinmummy Thu 10-Oct-13 21:41:38

I'm still trying to get dd (and she's still refusing )to participate in counselling but Family Solutions are there for the whole family and they've been a massive help to me

gamerchick Thu 10-Oct-13 21:41:47

Ffs. . Let her pack her bag and leave.. lock the door behind her and enjoy a few days of peace.

Mine was back in 3 days. It was a lot easier to lay the law down after that.

GeorginaWorsley Thu 10-Oct-13 22:03:43

mummytogirls
Obviously it's your choice but in my view she is rebelling against your 'rules'
Fair enough to do some 'chores' but I think the family thing may be a little Ott at 16.

Inkspellme Thu 10-Oct-13 23:07:28

sounds like a good plan and I hope you get a bit of peace now!

Doinmummy Thu 10-Oct-13 23:08:54

Sometimes if you put too many rules and punishments in place the kids think' what's the point?' And carry on with the bad behaviour.

Doinmummy Thu 10-Oct-13 23:10:09

I feel your pain Op . Have had one hell of a year myself.

Mumtomygirls Fri 11-Oct-13 00:42:09

When I say chores it's literally only the dishes from dinner time that's all.

Well 11:30 was approaching and I turned round and DD1 was putting her phone on charge and saying goodnight to her Dad then to me, an hour later after sorting the animals out iv come up to bed to 2 yes 2 daughters fast asleep lights out & PHONES LEFT DOWNSTAIRS. this is a first in many months. Very happy, now I'm going to plug my earphones in and watch a film in bed because I want to NOT because I'm trying to stay awake until they fall asleep.

Have already been asked if DD1 can come
With me and DD2 out to a friends house tomorrow night also so I'm feeling much more relaxed inside knowing that those rules of phone downstairs when sleeping, eat dinner, do homework & chores before going out are already having a good effect when applied with the reminder of the "time out"

It's funny how the one thing that I always did when they were growing up works at this age (wish I hadn't listened to a family member who said to stop the "time out" when they misbehave cause they were apparently too old for it)

Have a good night everyone. Sweet dreams

chocoluvva Fri 11-Oct-13 09:05:33

Well done for being calm and firm. I hope you had a well-deserved good night's sleep.

I'm sorry my last post wasn't clear - I meant that I agreed with Poachedeggs, Bordello, Georgina and Don'tcallme.

"she is rebelling against your rules". I agree. IMO your rules are sensible, but she might feel quite humiliated at having to put her phone on the mantelpiece every night. I wish my DD would do that but it's her phone after all. How do you know if she's done her homework usually? Does she have to show you evidence of what she's done? She probably feels her home is like a police state. I don't. But she might.

Mumtomygirls Fri 11-Oct-13 09:30:21

Hi all was well this morning, no nastiness towards us or her little sister which is a first in a long while smile she even came and gave me a kiss cya later this morning smile
With regards to the homework we've never made her show us but she normally bounces idea off of us and sprawl across the lounge floor (although we have a perfectfectly good dinning room or her desk in her room to do such things lol

We've explained to her that being part of a family is "give & take" and of she wants this to work she can't keep taking until we are empty, that's why she needs to give and that way it all runs a little more smoother.

chocoluvva Fri 11-Oct-13 09:40:17

"first in a long while" - poor you, you've really been through it. I'm glad you're having a nice morning.

I think it's sensible to explain about 'give and take' rather than setting rules. If need be perhaps you could point out that adults who share a home let each other know if they're going to be late and try not to disturb each other.

Do something nice now to take your mind off your DD.

flow4 Fri 11-Oct-13 09:59:18

Glad you're feeling much better about it all Mumtomygirls. Your last couple of posts are very interesting. I would have put money on your daughter kicking off again refusing outright to follow your rules, which are very extensive and IMO a bit over the top for a 16 year old.

However, the fact that she is conforming suggests that she actually quite likes being treated like a younger child, which is unexpected and interesting. So I wonder whether there is something else going on here: I wonder whether she's actually terrified of growing up (like many teens), and her bad behaviour has been a 'symptom' of her fear...? She can't control it; and when you can't control it either, this frightens her even more, and so a vicious circle begins. Now that you have tried some 'methods' that have worked this time, you have found some confidence, and it seems she finds that very reassuring, and has calmed down a bit. Great! smile

Anything that builds your confidence to deal with her and to establish your own boundaries and sense of self-respect is a very good thing. smile I'd say, take any opportunities you can find to build your own confidence and well-being - whether that's sport, a hobby, time with friends, or whatever. The better you feel, the better you'll be able to parent your daughter, and the more secure she will feel, it seems to me... smile

A word of caution though: the teenage years, above all, are the time when young people need to learn to control themselves. You are still, it seems to me, seeking to exert an awful lot of control over her, given her age. There will come a time very soon when she will need to be able to make herself come in at a sensible time, do her homework, go to bed, not spend all night on the phone or computer, etc... Currently, you have arranged things so that you are still making her do/not do these things, or trying to. She may rebel against this again; but even if she doesn't, she still needs to learn to take responsibility for doing them herself, sooner rather than later.

The rules you have re-introduced may help you regain your confidence and retake some control of an awful situation that no-one had under control... But IMO, you need to think of them as a relatively short-term measure - a sort of 'emergency plan' for the next few months. Keep in mind the important fact that you now have to help your daughter learn to control her own behaviour.

You may still need some help with this. I found Family Lives phone counseling helpful. Getting family counseling may be impossible (it is for most families with teens, because it's rare, and teenagers usually refuse to go) - but you can still usefully get some counseling for yourself.

I was very struck by something you said yesterday, about just wanting your "little girl back". I think every parent of a teenager will identify with this, perhaps especially those of us who have had 'difficult' teens. But the truth is, even if your new rules temporarily make your daughter behave like her younger, easier self, the ultimate aim of parenting is to help our children *grow up*... It's almost like a bereavement for some parents (it certainly was for me with DS1) but you will need to let go of the 'little girl she was' and build a relationship with the young woman she is becoming. smile

DwellsUndertheSink Fri 11-Oct-13 10:03:02

16 year olds are bloody hard work.

However, you are being so accomodating that your DD will never value anything you do. SHe walks all over you and you still come back for more. SO on your birthday meal, you will not only be missing a person, but will also have to fetch her at 2am - so no drinkies for you, no relaing evening, no snuggles with DH, becausse one of you is going to have to fetch madam at 2am....nice birthday.

My opinion, as a mother of a 16yo DD....

Let her go to the ball on the proviso that she is home by 2 and she needs to arrange her own lift home. No lift, no ball. If she doesnt like it, tough.

If she wants to live at the boyfriend, let her. However, speak to the BFs mum and ask if that has been discussed and let her know whats going on at home, so that the BF family have a choice about whether or not they can accept that. Get them on side, as ultimately, teenage relationships are a transient. Plus they must be at college - theres a lot of work to be done, and they need to focus.

Id also make it clear to DD that if she chooses to move out, you will not provide any financial assistance. ANd that the BF family will expect £25-30 a week board - make sure she knows that food, water, electricity etc do not come cheap. Tough love it out.

Washing: In our house, if its not in the basket on washing day, it doesnt get done by me. My DD currently has most of her stuff on the floordrobe. SHe has no clean knickers. I dont care, as until they are in the laundry basket, they are not my responsibility.

Food: In our house, there is always food on the table at a set time, If she eats it, good, if shes not there and has not let me know she is not requiring dinner then my gannet ds will eat her share. There is food in the fridge and she can make herself something.

Clothes: SHe earns £150pm and you are still buying her clothes? That stops today! Let her buy her own clothing, her own specialist toiletries. Obviously you can provide soap, toothpaste and whatever family shampoo/showergel is required, but she should buy the rest.

I think a basic phone contract (capped - I use Tesco) is something I would (and do) continue to provide.

You need to let her know that this entitled behaviour has consequences, and that you are queen in your home, not her.

You will not lose her through being tough. She may hate you for a while, but she will come back eventually and appreciate what a cow she was.

chocoluvva Fri 11-Oct-13 12:15:06

The thing I find difficult in this sort of situation is to judge what my teen is really needing/thinking etc. The cynic in me thinks that your DD might be making a point of being co-operative for the time being as she's so desperate to go to the ball that she'll do what she has to to be allowed to go or have you impose a further embarrassing sanction. But I hope Flow is right.

Then again, I remember the time my DD called to ask if she could stay out for dinner and the evening. I thought it would be better if she came home and got on with some things, but I airily told her it was up to her, thanks for phoning etc, only for her to later say that she wouldn't have minded coming home for dinner as planned. How was I to know?confused

It's so difficult at this stage when they're legally and physically able to do their own thing but are too inexperienced to always make sensible choices, and anyway they're sharing your home so everyone needs some peace and at least some floor/workstop space free of clutter angry. But it might not be helping them to have curfews, insist on joining in with family events etc - what will happen when your daughter leaves home at 18? (as Flow4 says. ) She'll be overjoyed with her new found freedom and having little experience go mad. If you can gradually give her more freedom in the safe environment of home it's probably better for her. It's so hard to find a good balance.

Also, if she perceives you to be controlling she will want to distance herself from you in whatever way she can ie by not discussing things with you. She will turn to her peers for support rather than to you. There are many ways of supporting our teenagers. Battling with them to have a healthy/sensible lifestyle and get a good education is only one of them. Supporting them in their own choices where possible and helping them with the consequences is important too. This lessens the chance of your DD making bad decisions purely to rebel or to exercise her right to do what she wants to do on principle - even if the consequences are harmful to her eg flunking her exams.

Another thought about battling - you have another DD - imagine if you had four DC. Would you have the energy to battle like this with four children. It's not sustainable. IYSWIM.

I think Flow4 makes a very good point about being confident in yourself too. It's hard to keep things in perspective if you don't have much happening other than very challenging behaviour from a teenager. As you (and I) know - it grinds you down. You'll be able to deal things better when you're happy in yourself.

chocoluvva Fri 11-Oct-13 12:16:39

Posted too soon - sorry - meant to say - hope you have a nice day.

Renniehorta Fri 11-Oct-13 12:24:02

Dwells talks lots of sense. I picture your dd as a bottle of Champagne. Held in check by a strong cork, but gently bubbling away until the cork is released and all hell breaks loose.Her reactions when she looses it are extreme.

Ease back on that pressure and you won't have the explosions. She can't grow up and mature with all these (to me) petty restrictions.

sandyballs Fri 11-Oct-13 12:47:38

This all sounds hellish and I really feel for you. My DDs are only 12 but one is very headstrong and pushing the boundaries big time and I am preparing for a rocky teenage time. The advice given here is very interesting.

Something stands out in your posts though, and that's control. The bit about 'your' towel, 'your' shower cream, 'your' seat in the lounge. Then the whole list of household rules. Is it possible that you are a bit too controlling with your DD and this is causing her to rebel more than she would if you backed off a bit.

Sorry if I'm talking rubbish, as I said my DDs are only 12 so I haven't faced the teens just yet. I know I can be a bit of a control freak and like things done my way and that just doesn't work with my more wayward DD! I am gradually learning to let her make more decisions and take more control over situations.

Best of luck, hope this improvement with her isn't short term and things get easier. Out of interest what does your other DD think about her sister's behaviour?

BrianTheMole Fri 11-Oct-13 12:54:45

A good start op. Stay strong and assertive.

Mumtomygirls Fri 11-Oct-13 18:48:38

Hi all, she was told by us she can go
To ball as long as she leaves it at 2am
And that we would even pick her up but now it turns out she isn't allowed as the organiser said it's over 18's only :/

Today she came
Home from school with her little sister, helped make dinner and had asked to see boyfriend on the weekend and iv said yes and now she's currently upstairs getting ready to go out with us as a family to a friends house for the evening and all I can hear upstairs is both my daughters "singing" to the music they're playing while getting ready smile

For anyone who thinks the little rules that we have in place are petty then I'm afraid I don't agree with you :/ society is made up of rules and even as adults we all have to follow rules in our every day life so it's also helping her and our youngest understand that follow a little rule and you actually get what you wanted in the first place just this way it's more of a reward rather then a do as you like kinda thing.

Thank you everyone who's been giving advice. I will keep updated when I can smile

Mumtomygirls Fri 11-Oct-13 19:05:37

SandyBalls.

Hi the thing about the towel is because it belonged to my grandad and I don't like it being used. The shampoo and shower gel is because I have eczema and have to use E45 which is very expensive and I can't use the products with harsh perfumes in them. But saying that the girls get to choose all their own toiletries when shopping and have their own set of towels as well as the general house towels that myself and their dad uses too

The chair/sofa situation is because we have 4 sofas and we all have one each basically and we respect that each other have our own personal space in the lounge as well as family space and that's the way it's always been, but the main thing about my chair is because I have lots of back problems due to slip discs and have a slightly different chair to everyone else cause I need the support. But the children and DH have their own sofas to sprawl over. However the same can be said for the fact that we each have our own end table next to our sofas just for comfort and convenience. Both girls chose where they wanted their sofas in the lounge and have always enjoyed the fact that they have their own space in the lounge smile I haven't mentioned before that the girls also have a sofa and tv and games console in the dinning room so if they want to go out there at any time they can.

It's the fact that my chair is the only one I can sit on for more then 10 minutes without being in pain.

The girls themselves have a sofa each in the lounge, a sofa they share in the dinning room, an armchair and a desk chair each in their bedrooms and the rest of the chairs sofas in the house are for everyone to use when they please apart from my chair in the lounge and my chair at the dinner table (because I have back problems and these have lumber support specially made for me)

So it's not really a control thing. Toiletries and chairs are to do with health issues and the towel is because I don't want anyone using that one towel. The girls have things from grandad like bed spreads and they don't like using them or like anyone else using them so I know they understand what I mean about the towel smile

Anyway I hope everyone has a good weekend thank you all again smile

chocoluvva Fri 11-Oct-13 19:14:21

Have a lovely evening Mumtomygirls.

I had another thought about your DD - do you think she has PMT?

Sorry if that's an irrelevance.

Mumtomygirls Fri 11-Oct-13 19:20:37

ChocoLuvva. DD1 does have a day or two about a week beforehand when she sounds like she's growling at everything where it irritates her so much lol and have a lovely weekend yourself too please smile

Mumtomygirls Sat 12-Oct-13 04:13:54

6 yes 6 hours of playing board games at mine & the girls friends house tonight and not 1 single argument or any negative behaviour at all. To my astonishment when we got home my youngest daughter was a little stroppy because she was tired & hungry and was getting impatient with me cause I was making them a quick eggy bread before bed (don't like them going to sleep that hungry) anyway my DD1 told DD2 off and said that she should be thankful mummy is making us food and to apologise to me :O I nearly dropped the egg on the floor when I heard this! I calmly said "thank you, now let's not argue, one of you get the plates & the other get glasses for a drink" they both did it, stood at the counter eating their food, drank their drink, went and got washed ready for bed, brushed their teeth, came down kissed me good night and put BOTH their phones on the fireplace and went upstairs to bed! When I came upstairs after clearing up they were both in DD1's bedroom fast asleep in her bed with a DVD left playing on the TV.

This may sound ungrateful? But I'm shocked!

I think I'm going to keep a log on the other behaviour to see of there's a pattern to it cause to look at DD1 the last 2 days it's hard to ever believe she was being such a little shit :/

DD2 is really loving having her big sister back to the way we are all used to and I can't say I blame her, it's been simply amazing smile

gamerchick Sat 12-Oct-13 05:41:30

They have to stand when eating and 6 hours of board games? And you're going to keep a log?

I'm reading between the line but I think there's a reason your kids rebelling.. but not only that, has learned the art of manipulation because it's easy to see what keeps you happy. Obey you at all times. That bit about the own settees does say quite a bit about a person. Neat and tidy.. everything in its own spot.

beachesandbuckets Sat 12-Oct-13 06:41:40

Gosh, I have three daughters, a 3 year old and twins who are 2 months (and an older son) and have read this thread with a cold sweat! My 3 year old is very strong minded even now and we are implementing some of the tricks suggested here for her. May just try to enjoy the next 10 years of peace.

Good luck to you op, you sound like a very caring Mum. My only thoughts (based on my own upbringing) is that at 16, possibly your daughter wants to be treated as a young adult and is rebelling against the current (well meaning) arrangements - I only say this as its very unusual for a 16 year old to still call you 'mummy' and not 'mum' (my 5 year old has started calling me 'mum' due to external influences at school which breaks my heart but I am accepting as its part of him growing up and asserting his own personality), and I wonder if she feels that you lump her and your (younger) daughter into the same box (ie in my opinion, its also quite unusual for a 16 year old to enjoy going to her mum's friends house, and playing board games for hours on end, whereas a 13 or 14 year old may still enjoy that?). I know its nice for you, but maybe these things should be quietly dropped. My Mum was dropping me off to friends houses and to the pub (this was the 90's!) when I was 16, I never took the piss as she was treating me like an adult - and I felt like one - but I was safe as she picked me up). When your dd is being good, maybe you and her could do some older more adult things together as special time without your dd2, like have a meal in a pub, go on a shopping trip, a concert?

MorrisZapp Sat 12-Oct-13 07:30:25

I don't think the op made them stand whilst eating. And I don't think that owning lots of furniture makes a person controlling.

uptheanty Sat 12-Oct-13 07:40:06

Great advice from dwell,

Sorry op, I don't want to burst your bubble but I think you already know..right? hmm

You're daughter Is obviously manipulating you and as another poster mentioned is obviously very well versed on what keeps you happy.
This is only temporary plaster as nothing has really changed has it?

Your posts are very defensive when you don't agree with the advice and you NEVER on any of your threads have been open to trying anything new that someone has advised.
You just keep repeating all of your behaviours and then become surprised when the outcome is the same.

I suspect you'll be posting in a couple of weeks....cue more handwringing and sympathetic posts before you revert to standard practice.

My advice to you ( though i suspect that it will be disregarded and unwelcome), is that perhaps you need to take your head out of your arse where it appears to be very firmly wedged, and join us all in the real world before it's to late.

peggyundercrackers Sat 12-Oct-13 07:46:41

she has you over a barrel - you seem so worried about her going to the police all the time - I definitely wouldn't let mine do that to me - if I wanted her moved she would be moved - if she called the police so be it - they wont do anything.

why did you say you would let her go to the ball?
why do you let her bully you and push you around? your the adult.

Jollyb Sat 12-Oct-13 08:56:58

How is she doing at school OP?

GeorginaWorsley Sat 12-Oct-13 09:12:01

I think you treat her like a child.
As I said upthread,I think you need to stop controlling her every movement.
She's fine for a while yes ,whilst doing what you want,the I suspect it all becomes too much and she rebels big time.
I don't understand why at 16 she puts phone on fireplace overnight.
I think you need to let go a bit and realise she is almost an adult .
Suspect you won't agree though.

chocoluvva Sat 12-Oct-13 09:17:29

What a lovely evening.

I was going to post yesterday evening - but I forgot - to reply to your reaction to the advice several posters have given about your house rules.

It's not that they're "petty" but more that they're perhaps not appropriate for this age of child. No-one is saying they're not sensible.

You laughed at my suggestion about PMT confused. Good quality supplements for women of child-bearing age are usually helpful with poor moods.

My 17 and 14YO still like board games. We played monopoly a few weeks ago with another mum and her 14YO. If the 17YO had made other plans I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. There's nothing wrong with family activities with teens, but I suspect that playing board games with them on a fri evening in term time is not a common occurrence! (Also we usually have ongoing crisps and rubbish snacks throughout the evening!)

HoleyGhost Sat 12-Oct-13 10:04:40

Your defensiveness towards any new suggestions makes me think that you don't really listen to your dds either. You have your little girl back for now, and you feel you are able to control her for now.

However she crossed a major boundary when she became violent towards you and I suspect that it is a matter of time before it all kicks off again.

Our role as parents is to make ourselves redundant by making our dc independent - your dd needs to learn to manage her own frustration, her

gamerchick Sat 12-Oct-13 10:06:30

I have nothing against board games.. I just struggle to imagine my 16yr self playing them for 6hours straight voluntary.

flow4 Sat 12-Oct-13 11:21:02

I'm not sure whether I'm right and your daughter likes being treated like a younger child, or whether chocoluvva and others are right, and she's manipulating you and giving you what you want, for now.

How much longer are you going to make her come home at 9:30 every evening, and leave her phone on the mantelpiece at night, mumto? Til she's 18? 21? As long as she's at home?

BurberryQ Sat 12-Oct-13 11:49:34

was getting impatient with me cause I was making them a quick eggy bread before bed (don't like them going to sleep that hungry) anyway my DD1 told DD2 off and said that she should be thankful mummy is making us food
you sound a like a doormat with much younger children - "a quick eggy bread before bed" wtf?

Doinmummy Sat 12-Oct-13 15:17:40

I sat and had a conversation with my DD 15.5 about how I've failed to see that she is growing into a young woman, about how I love her so much that I want to keep as a little girl all to myself forever. I said I would respect that she is growing up and has her own ideas and opinions but that I expect the same back.

It has made a massive difference.

Mumtomygirls Sat 12-Oct-13 15:50:11

No they don't have to stand when eating I'm saying what they did not what they're meant to do.

No no no no no! The own sofas was so that they have own personal space but can also all sit together if like also. It's not a "go sit on your own sofa only kinda thing" it's purely so that they have their own space as an option.

The log is for my own use to see if there's a pattern ie is it just at times before her period? Or is there an outside factor etc etc not anything sinister or weird. Just to help me understand her more.

I fail to see how making sure she eats, does homework, and washes one meals worth of dishes and puts the phone downstairs controlling.

Eating :- health
Homework :- future
Chores :- teamwork as a family as we all do our bit
Phone downstairs :- health

If you think about it properly she actually has a choice. If she wants to go out EVERY evening for a couple of hours all she needs to do is homework (which is needed or she gets kicked out of the course) dinner (pretty normal I'd say) and wash the dishes (this takes approx 15 minutes)

FLOW:- The phone being downstairs is because 1) she puts it under her head and sleeps with it there -.- 2) she has been found laying on the phone WHILE ITS PLUGGED INTO THE WALL CHARGING with her having wet hair after washing it and going straight to bed -.- 3) she sits on Facebook and texting until 4am and then doesn't want to get up at 7am fr school.

The board games wasn't something we made them do, I was off round a friends and DD1 suggested taking that game with us for both families to play (even though no one had suggested it)

Choccoluvva the lol was more of a "why didn't I think of that laugh at myself" smile this is partially why I'm going to keep a personal log of when it happens and see if there's a pattern smile

BurberryQ :- they were hungry (as growing teens often are) and I didn't have much else in the house that was quick for them to eat as didn't do shopping until today. Iv found like most children & teens when they go to bed hungry they take longer to sleep. This doesn't happen every night but mainly just before, during and just after they're on their periods :/ one is just post and other is during ATM. smile

She's done homework & chore for the day & is now at Boyfriends house for lunch
As well as arranging to go see a film and have dinner with him tomorrow.

And may I add the 9:30pm thing is quite reasonable on school nights, we live in a village/town that has no night life passed 5pm the nearest city is an hours bus ride away so I don't want her roaming the streets at night until god knows what time :/ she has nearly 100% secluded herself from all her old friends cause of this boyfriend so doesn't have many people to go out with at all which is rather sad :/ she's gone from a very popular well liked young lady to someone who ignores 99% of her old friends and then wonders why they won't talk to her when she replies to them two months after they messaged her :/

Anyway today so far has been a good day. Fingers crossed for the rest of the weekend smile

Mumtomygirls Sat 12-Oct-13 16:04:51

Also just to add we don't make the girls call us mummy and daddy they just always have and that's their choice not ours.

Oh we do go to the pub for meals (did this only last week) we go on family and on girlie shopping trips and have been to a number of rock concerts smile

Also may I add that the friends house I went to last night is also DD1's best friends house and DD2's best friends house smile

Believe me we have been treating her like a young lady, we have been discussing her impending driving lessons and also her career choice and where she wants to go from there etc etc.

We also have a little thing we do where we take a vote on what meals we will have the following week so that everyone gets a choice and a couple of times a week the girls join in and we cook as a family smile

uptheanty Sat 12-Oct-13 16:36:36

Normal service is resumed!

Why ask?

HoleyGhost Sat 12-Oct-13 16:38:32

At what age will you allow her to take responsibility for her own study, eating, phone, uniform organisation etc?

uptheanty Sat 12-Oct-13 16:41:48

It's very clear you are a great mum, you make so much effort!

People suggesting new things to try and questioning your choices is what we do to get clarity. It doesn't mean you're rubbish!!

I've had totally shock experiences with mine- doesn't make me rubbish.

Teenagers unless you've had one ......

Mumtomygirls Sat 12-Oct-13 16:59:12

We have already tried that and she got kicked off the nursing route she wanted to study, she also has control over her own breakfast and lunch (just not the family meal each day- dinner) work uniform we also have done that but we don't want the washing machine going on at 1am in the morning then her screaming and shouting cause she forgot to put it in the tumble dryer and literally only got up 30 minutes before she's due at work then expects a lift cause she's running late. Again organisation we have tried and are still trying, we have told her to log her hours down at work cause she hardly ever remembers what hours she's worked then she says that work haven't paid her correctly etc etc we also have tried with organisational skills with giving her tasks like planning and preparing meals, time keeping, even down to designing her own bedroom in a way that makes it more space efficient etc and this is why we have laid some guidelines along the way.
We have tried leaving getting to school in her control and gave her a guideline of leaving the house 30 minutes before school starts although it only takes 20 minutes to slow walk to school and she still leaves it till 5 minutes before school starts to be ready so then we have to take her in the car which seems like a reward half the time so we have said that lifts are a privilege now and will only be given in bad weather or other exceptional circumstances

The one thing I hate about black & white txt is the fact that emotions can be misinterpreted :/ uptheanty teens are sure as heck hard work but I'm
Sure it will all be worth it when we see a well adjust adult in front of us in years to come smile

I'm open to people's opinions and suggestions but only of they have experienced having a teen because only then can people truly understand the turmoil of hormones and emotions that are flying around on a daily basis.

MissStrawberry Sat 12-Oct-13 17:18:24

You sound grateful and relieved she is behaving. You shouldn't be. You should just be able to know she will.

Saying you will only take advice from those who have teens is quite rude and controlling imo. While everyone on here might not have a teen we have sure as well been one!

shockers Sat 12-Oct-13 17:30:00

DS1 once spoiled my birthday by simply not coming home. I was furious, he didn't care. After a stream of incidents similar to those you describe, we finally said it was time for him to leave. We helped him with his rent for a little flat, took food bags round from time to time and accepted bags of washing, but we wouldn't let him come back to live with us, he made me ill and our younger children frightened.

He is now 26 and one of the nicest people I know. He regularly phones me for long talks (he's living in France at the moment) and for a bit of 'Mummy wisdom' (his words!). He struggles with mood swings still, but has learnt to recognise his limits and keeps a low profile when he feels the irritation rising... just like me.

Good luck OP. Don't write her off, but don't let her treat you this way. If this becomes normal behaviour to her, she will lose friends and find it very difficult to turn things around. Your love for may be unconditional, but others won't feel the same and she'll become a very lonely girl.

insanityscratching Sat 12-Oct-13 17:39:40

I have one current teen and three past their teens and for me I would say you treat your dd like a child and I'm not surprised she's angry and playing up. At sixteen you need to allow her to take control of her own life so she should be sorting out her studying/work uniform/phone/ social life. Yes she will mess up but that's how she will learn.
I think it's unreasonable to expect that she will eat with you and wash up daily. I understand the chore requirement but surely it could be her responsibility to do a chore that has more flexibility as to when she does it as in effect you are dictating when she eats and if she can go out seven days a week.
It is her responsibility to do her homework why are you involved? If she doesn't do it then she will suffer the consequences.
I think you need to back off, give her fewer rules and more autonomy rather than trying to infantilise her. You know the current calm will only last until she gets fed up of it don't you?
It's time to recognise your dd is a young adult, one who could get married, have a child, and join the forces legally and without your blessing which makes your rules seem really petty don't you think?

chocoluvva Sat 12-Oct-13 17:48:42

Well, I don't know about other posters on this thread, but I do know that Flow and I have teenagers.....

On one occasion I told my then 16YO DD she should do her homework before she settled down on the sofa and she replied that she was going to, but now she just didn't feel like it. It was "sooo annoying being TOLD to do it"........

I think you're missing the point. No-one is saying you're doing anything silly. We all want our DC to be healthy and fulfil their educational potential - but we need to be encouraging a sense of responsibility and self-discipline. And preparing them for life outside the home.

I can identify with you. I am extremely frustrated by my DD's late night texting/instagramming/FBing etc but if I were to insist on her giving up control of her phone she would feel outraged and I'm pretty sure she'd exercise her desire for freedom of choice in some other way eg smoking or drinking. Sooner or later she'll hopefully come to the decision by herself that it's better for her to get more sleep. And I try REALLY hard to give them a healthy diet.

Thing is - you can't make someone lead the perfect lifestyle or be the perfect person. But you can bust a gut trying. And you don't want your DC to feel that you have nothing much else in your life but the appetite to pick up the pieces after them and do battle with them to ensure they have the optimum lifestyle.

chocoluvva Sat 12-Oct-13 17:49:59

x-posted. Sorry, again.

flow4 Sat 12-Oct-13 20:22:55

Yup, I have two teenagers. And DS1 at 16 was much worse than you have described your DD, but now at 18 is growing into a pleasant, responsible young man. Phew! smile I've learned a lot...

The thing is, Mumto, your daughter must learn to take responsibility for herself. She cannot become a functioning adult - and you won't have done your job as her parent - until she does. And it is far, far better for her to experiment, argue, challenge and fail, while she is living safely at home, than to find herself out in the adult world aged 18 or more, used to her mum taking control of everything, and having no idea what to do.

Notice I didn't ask you why you tell your DD to come in at 9:30pm and leave her phone on the mantelpiece at night - I asked you when you intend to let her decide for herself. I'd still be interested in your answer...

I understand exactly why you have these rules, and your reasons are perfectly logical. But the problem is, they are your reasons: you are controlling her actions, and denying her the practice she needs to learn and grow up.

I'd go so far as to say that if you don't loosen up a bit and let her take more responsibility for herself, then she must rebel... Her instincts will tell her that's the only way she can learn how to be an adult...

chocoluvva Sat 12-Oct-13 20:57:18

I've just realised that several of the posters on this thread have teenagers OP.

I had no idea it would be so difficult sometimes. I think I thought that as we're a 'nice' family our teenage children would be reasonably sensible. blush grin. Or something. Sometimes I look back at my teenage years and feel frustrated that my DC don't have some of the good qualities I had. Then I remember how stupidly I behaved and the way I thought my mum knew nothing about anything important, ie boys, clothes, school. As an adult, however, I all but idolised her. I now feel privileged to have had such a wise and thoughtful mum. Not as a teenager though.

To offer you some comfort I think they often begin to be a bit more reasonable around the age of 17. (Famous last words.....)

sandyballs Sun 13-Oct-13 07:40:47

Choccoluva, that's exactly what I've always thought. That if kids from a nice background then they'll be ok. But I've come to tHe scary conclusion that its not the case, I've seen some teens from lovely homes go right off the rails.

I just hope my two keep talking to us although one of them tells us very little already.

DropYourSword Sun 13-Oct-13 07:53:25

I'm obviously in the minority here, but I see nothing wrong with your set of rules. I don't think they are at all extensive!!

GeorginaWorsley Sun 13-Oct-13 09:20:57

Have had 3 teens as I said upthread.
Nothing easy about the teen years with DD1
I do think you control her life too much though and that is why every so often she rebels big style.
Let her take control of studying,sleeping,phone,etc
She will never learn any life skills at this rate
DD1 was hell,now 24 and good job,house,child of her own,great partner.
She very close to us now,despite frequently telling us how awful we were all those years ago!

Doinmummy Sun 13-Oct-13 11:20:27

Op listen to Flow she knows her shit. grin

Doinmummy Sun 13-Oct-13 11:39:37

Op I too have a teen. Have been through the mill- drugs, drinking, police, shoplifting, destruction of property, refusing to go to school.

I am fully qualified to comment

Mumtomygirls Tue 15-Oct-13 02:17:19

Hi all sorry for delay in replying.

All is still going well, had one hiccup when all out today and that was because DD1 didn't like the fact that myself and DH were trying to decide on what to have for dinner and wasn't paying DD1 enough attention when she was begging for money to pay for some underwear that she wanted (not needed) she decided to throw the garments into a shelf and storm off leaving us all wondering what the heck had just happened and then when she decided to stop storming off round the shop she came back and said she was annoyed cause we weren't paying her attention. However we had already said we weren't giving her anymore money as we had already put a shirt as a treat in the basket for her. Which may I add because of her outburst and continued disgust that we wasn't giving her £10 went back on the rail.
We finished doing the shopping we needed and went back to the car ready to travel
To the next shop (5 minutes down the road) by that time she had broken down in tears and apologised. Had a little chat and explained that we know it's hard being 16 cause you want to rule everything but then you want someone there to hold your hand etc etc and that it's a whole mix of emotions that does eventually get better. We went into the next shop got what was needed with no treats for DD1 came out, went for dinner and then asked DD1 of she wanted to come with myself and DD2 to friends house or she could go home with DH and either have quality father/daughter time or go out and see her boyfriend and she asked of she could come with me and DD2. Had a lovely evening at friends came home DD1 got washed and ready for bed kissed me good night and went straight to sleep

I'm making sure I don't allow her to manipulate me any more and have still given her the same chances to make her own decisions smile

Although everything isn't perfect we are managing to defuse situations before they become an argument and we can clearly see she doesn't like how myself and DH have pulled together but I'm afraid it's tough. I actually feel much stronger knowing he is now seeing what has been happening and we are going to get through this together

DropYourSword Tue 15-Oct-13 02:22:24

I think it sounds like you've had an amazing result by being a strong parent who won't let her push you around. She is benefiting from knowing that your boundaries are strong. I think a lot of teens test those boundaries and because you let her get away with it she kept pushing further and further. She was probably in a free fall too, and is really helping her that you are stronger now!
Thanks for updating.

chocoluvva Tue 15-Oct-13 11:10:23

Yes, thanks for updating.

I hope your DD continues to be generally be more settled.

My advice was given from the experience of having teens who are desperate to exercise their own choices - that is one of my DD's main goals .Eg, she wants to live in a privatele rented flat when she goes to uni even though we live within 25 mins away from the uni. She sometimes make poor choices in order to do her own thing. She can be very frustrating with her constant inability to be advised. In general though, I think I have a reasonable relationship with her and recently I think she's beginning to appreciate the freedom that she's allowed compared with some of her friends.

But your DD has the additional difficulty of having a problem managing her temper it seems. It sounds like you're doing a great job of staying firm but calm where it's required (in the shop.) Well done. So difficult.

You must let her gradually take more responsibility for herself though. That's how she'll develop resilience to the inevitable setbacks she will face in adult life.

(I hope this doesn't sound patronising. It was your first post about her BF and his mother that struck a chord with me.)

katiecola Tue 15-Oct-13 13:41:39

I'm new to this site and joined because I'm desperate for help with my teenage daughter. I read your post and I'm ashamed to say that it you have made me feel so much better, just to know I'm not alone! I am going through virtually the exact same behavior-My daughter is 15, she also shut me in my bedroom and wouldn't let me pass on the stairs! Your comment about being cold hearted is so true. My daughter sees me upset and seems to enjoy it. I have no magic answers but just remember it won't last and we will get our lovely daughters back again.

flow4 Tue 15-Oct-13 20:29:49

You're definitely not alone, katie, sadly. sad I lost count of the times my DS shut me in my own room or blocked my way... But you're right it doesn't last... About two years, in my son's case. He's now 18 and much improved. smile

differentnameforthis Wed 16-Oct-13 09:10:07

she does get taken to school in the morning stop that. from an early age I was getting buses to school

and to work at the weekend stop that too, again, I worked from 14 & I never once got a lift to & from work by either parent. Even walking home in the dark at 15 sometimes (usually because I couldn't be bothered to wait for a bus)

and when she goes out she gets picked up Depends what time it was, but mostly I was expected to get myself home. Usually friends parent would do it, or my sister would come get me.

We buy 75% of her clothes and toiletries Stop. Why should you do this for her when she is so nasty & controlling to you? I would buy my daughters their toiletries, but not if they treated me like shit.

we wash her clothing even Down to her work Uniform stop this too. Let her go to work in a dirty uniform & see how long she keeps her job for.

This kid needs some life lessons. I would do NONE of the above if my daughters spoke to me like that!

Mumtomygirls Thu 17-Oct-13 04:54:50

Hi quick update. Yesterday DD1 decided she was "poorly" and didn't want to go into school. We decided to let her make her own mind up about whether she was poorly enough to stay off school.
Low and behold within a couple of hours she was raiding the kitchen cupboards etc
Both myself and DH had day off so was at home anyway evening time came and DD1 asked if she was allowed to go and see boyfriend. However we have always said to both our girls that if they're not well enough for school then they don't go out to socialise that afternoon/evening.

DD1 kicked up a fuss, wrote a Facebook status saying how she was hard done by etc etc she also told me to piss off :/ stormed off up stairs and said she didn't want to join in with the rest of us making dinner and he wasn't hungry and we are out of order etc etc. I told her not to talk to me like that and DH told her to think about her actions.

Myself DD2 & DH all left her to it and proceeded to the kitchen where we made dinner from scratch (I know it sounds petty but it's a little thing we enjoy doing together as a family) anyway DD2 had the task of making DD1's homemade burgers while I made mine & DH and he got the drinks and table set dinner was finally cooked and called D1 down for dinner and this is where the shocker happens shock she said she had made a status but deleted it within 5 minutes because she realised how immature it was! She sat down and absolutely demolished her dinner and even sat with us for pudding and said thank you to us three for a lovely dinner and sat afterwards on the sofa with her sister drawing together then at bedtime she turned her phone off left it in the lounge and got a glass of water gave us a kiss good night and said "I love you mummy, I love you daddy" of course our reply was that we love her too. It was so nice for her to actually admit within such a short space that she recognised her actions weren't mature and she rectified them.

DD2 is loving the fact that DD1 is showing some respect again she even said it feels like her big sister is coming back and not trying to cause many arguments anymore.

So all in all although not perfect (because nothin is perfect) a good day

I feel much much stronger now. Thank you to everyone that has commented I have read the replies some
Of them more than once or twice smile

Mumtomygirls Thu 17-Oct-13 04:56:01

She*

gamerchick Thu 17-Oct-13 07:25:09

Has she been to the ball yet?

Inkspellme Thu 17-Oct-13 11:17:35

Yep, as the mom of a teenager, I would wonder how soon the ball is?

Mumtomygirls Thu 17-Oct-13 14:55:54

The ball isn't for a few weeks yet and she already knows she is unable To go because the age restriction set by the event organisers clearly states adults only and they are checking ID of everyone going regardless. So luckily we can't be blamed for this one although it has worked in our favour really.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now