I have disowned my 18 year old son

(43 Posts)
Shreksfiona Fri 04-Oct-13 11:01:08

Hi, I have disowned my 18 year old transexual son and asked him to leave, after months and months of drink, drugs,attention seeking and sexual acts beyond belief and down right taking the piss out of my home, I think I may be headed for a breakdown, someone pls help, I cant take anymore

I didn't want to read and run. I think disowning is a very big step and based on his age and behaviour you've discribed in the OP seems extreme.

I think you need some space from each other and I think some councelling. Your son sounds very troubled. If he is transgendered then identity issues may be leading to his destructive behaviour. I am not familiar with any but I'm sure there are charities that may be able to help him.

sittinginthesun Fri 04-Oct-13 11:14:15

I agree - it sounds as though you both need some real life support. Start with your GP?

Pootles2010 Fri 04-Oct-13 11:14:28

I agree with Whiter, you both sound in need of a lot of help. Could you sort him out with somewhere else thats safe to stay, so you know he's ok whilst also having some space?

insanityscratching Fri 04-Oct-13 11:18:19

It sounds like he needs you now more than ever before tbh. Take some time to have some space by all means but don't cut him out. Try getting advice and support for you both here

Branleuse Fri 04-Oct-13 11:25:24

I think i would go to your gp and suggest some counselling or family therapy. Both your son and you are obviously hurting each other a lot more than you are communicating

Shreksfiona Fri 04-Oct-13 11:26:22

I have been there for him and the transgender is not the issue as I been the one encouraged him to come out, he tells me to fuck off all the time, he is contantly coming down off drink and drugs, I have 3 other children in the house, there is a drama everyday, he brings un desirables back in the early hours and lets them stay in the house, he has stopped going to college, I have people turning up to my business premises telling me about his outside behaviour, he picks up men every weekend and doesnt tell that he is a transexual as he looks like a very attractive girl, he doesnt care if the man has a girlfriend right next to him, he has no morals whatsever and the list goes on...

extracrunchy Fri 04-Oct-13 11:27:48

Agree with all of the above - can't imagine how hard it is for you to be dealing with a young person being so destructive, but ultimately he's behaving the way he is because he's deeply troubled. He needs your support more than ever - being transgendered is hard at the best of times - and you both need someone to talk things through with.

Helpyourself Fri 04-Oct-13 11:28:41

What support do you have, OP?
You can't just kick him out unless you've done everything you possibly can to get help!

Shreksfiona Fri 04-Oct-13 11:29:12

I hear what you are all saying but I cant cope with him anymore...

gamerchick Fri 04-Oct-13 11:30:58

I would agree with kicking him out but I wouldn't disown him. If he's going to behave like that then it has to be done.

He sounds troubled and wild atm and you have other kids to think about.

It doesn't mean you can't support him from a distance though.

Shreksfiona Fri 04-Oct-13 11:33:45

He doesnt want support, whatever I suggest he just tells me to f* off, gp etc, I made him an appointment at the gay mans clinic, he never showed, I set him up a busniess website to give him focus but after months of him closing the door in my face and being abusive, I cant deal with it anymore?

Shreksfiona Fri 04-Oct-13 11:34:46

We need space I know that...

SugarMiceInTheRain Fri 04-Oct-13 11:37:13

I agree that, especially with other children in your house, kicking him out may be the only option. But disowning him seems harsh, as at some point he will probably come to his senses and stop the inappropriate behaviour and really really need you. I'd go with supporting from a distance. Let him know you're there to support him when he wants/ needs it but you cannot have him living under your roof due to his destructive behaviour.

VoodooHexDoll Fri 04-Oct-13 11:40:21

He is 18 years old and an adult if you dont want him living with you then you have the right to ask him to move out.

It might be time for some tough love?

Also its not safe to have strangers in the house with other children in it. If he cant stick to basic rules then i would kick him out.

Floralnomad Fri 04-Oct-13 11:40:49

I appreciate its difficult but from your last post it doesn't sound like you have tried to understand . Why make him an appointment at a 'gay man' clinic ,he is not gay ,and what is a gay man clinic ? I find that offensive and I'm only the parent of a gay man so I can understand your son being pissed off with you .

Shreksfiona Fri 04-Oct-13 11:44:12

All this has been so hard on all of us as a family, it is tearing us all apart, when he comes in pissed we have angry taxi drivers demanding the money at the door, he expects us to give him money all the time and I just havent got it, he doesnt work and is lazy, he has caused world war 3 at 3 in the morning, woken everyone up in the house, to be be blunt he is a very selfish person

gamerchick Fri 04-Oct-13 11:47:32

Then pack his bags. Take away the immediate stress his behaviour is causing. . You all need a breather.

Shreksfiona Fri 04-Oct-13 11:52:05

It was a clinic that is set up in our local hospital and it is called just that, before he came out transgender, he came out gay as he was man attracted to men but was on a downward spiral of being promiscous and pls dont tell me that I dont understand!! so dont jump on the thread to act all offended
I have every right to be pissed off with him, so unless you know the facts please and I am being polite in the best possible way, dont turn all this in another direction

titchy Fri 04-Oct-13 11:59:56

If 'he' is transgendered why do you not now refer to him as her?

Agree you need boundaries though. Can you find a hostel or bedsit, pay a months rent and leave your child (now I'm not sure whether to say him or her!) to it. Change the locks and give a weeks notice this is all going to happen.

This is not the behaviour of a happy person though...

Floralnomad Fri 04-Oct-13 12:05:07

I'm not 'acting all offended' I'm simply telling you how it comes across . Your son obviously has major issues and I appreciate that that is difficult for you but he needs help not disowning . Set house rules and stick to them ,don't give him money ,if taxi drivers ask for money tell them they need to deal with him and if the police then get involved so be it . Don't allow strangers in the house ,if they won't leave call the police .

Slipshodsibyl Fri 04-Oct-13 12:15:31

He clearly needs to leave. It sounds as though you have tried to support him. Bringing strangers home for sex at night, drunk is putting the family at risk and difficult young adults cause havoc in a house.

I think you should ask for advice from social services. I expect that when he stops being able to hurt you so often you will feel able to accept him again rather than disown him.

I think picking the op up on whether she calls the child she brought up as a boy for 18 years him or her just now is nitpicking in the extreme and pretty unhelpful.

Slipshodsibyl Fri 04-Oct-13 12:17:43

As are comments like 'don't let strangers in'. I assume he brings them in at any time of night when others are sleeping. I expect op finds them there in the morning. Have you no idea what parents in this kind if situation are subject to?

Orchidlady Fri 04-Oct-13 13:24:36

shreks Fucking hell, you poor things sounds like a living nightmare. You can not live like this nor should you other kids be subjected to this. flora you are talking shit and being extremely unhelpful.
OP please keep posting can you get rl support?


I would assume OP has done all of that.

OP yes he may be 'acting out' or coming to terms to his feelings it doesn't mean he has the right to disrupt the household when he feels like it.

Hopefully when you have both had some time apart you can come back together, not necessarily living together but as a family.

Betrayedbutsurvived Fri 04-Oct-13 13:37:13

It sounds like you are having a really hard time of it and have tried everything you can think of to help your child. It must be really tough. I can offer much advice as this makes what my daughter put us through look like a walk in the park, but I have some experience with transgendered people and I agree with titchy, you should refer to her as your daughter now, it will show her you respect her decision, which can mean a lot. I agree, she needs to move out of your home, but please don't disown her. Help her find alternative accomodation and meet up with her in a neutral place to offer as much support as you can because she needs all the support she can get right now, she'll face plenty of rejection over the coming months and years without her family adding to it. That's not a criticism, I know how difficult it is to stand by someone when you disagree with so much they are doing, but if she us to come through this, she will need you there, even if it's only in small ways, they all count. Lastly I suggest you look for a transgender support group, there are plenty if you google, which offer support to teenagers and thier familes, as I do think a very significant factor in your daughters behaviour is her gender identity issues.

Shreksfiona Fri 04-Oct-13 13:48:04

I agree we need time apart and thankyou for everyones support, I have messaged him telling him I love him but I cannot put up with this behaviour, I am adjusting to calling him her and I trying my best as a mother. I was awoken by my DD last weekend to be told that two young men walked into the house after using my sons key and went upstairs and crashed in his room, my son decided to stay at another persons houseI know one of them but not very well and I had to throw them out after them telling me that my son was letting them stay without my permission..My 19 year old DD is ready to move out also as he causes so much drama

Orchidlady Fri 04-Oct-13 13:50:26

Betray I think you give him some wise advise and I sure OP's son IS really struggling with his issues BUT his does not give him the right to abuse his mother, sibling. And does not justify his horrible actions. Are you saying he had not control over these things?

Orchidlady Fri 04-Oct-13 13:53:34

Shrek I think the sooner your DS moves out the better. You can then begin to mend your relationship with him/her.

Betrayedbutsurvived Fri 04-Oct-13 14:05:58

Not at all orchid lady, she has no right to behave like this, and I'm shocked at the op latest post saying she gave her key to strangers. BUT, most people cannot begin to understand the hell that transgendered people go through, Its very difficult to say that she may be very mentally Ill as people take this the wrong way, but the fact is that transgendered people very often suffer from mental illness as a result of thier issues and the op has already said her daughter uses drink and drugs, all of which will affect the way she behaves. What the ops daughter is doing is totally unacceptable, but the experience I've had with transgendered people is that it's very likely a cry for help. Op has your daughter secured an appointment with the gender identity clinic?

Floralnomad Fri 04-Oct-13 14:20:15

orchid I'm not talking shit thank you I'm giving an opinion !it doesn't make it shit because I disagree with the majority . However I will leave this thread because I prefer to deal with reasonable people which obviously I won't be on this thread .

Orchidlady Fri 04-Oct-13 16:57:59

betray it sounds like to you have lots of experience in this, I have no knowledge I think it incredibly hard for people to understand. [shrek] I think you are handling things incredibly well in the circumstances

flow4 Fri 04-Oct-13 23:09:01

I am very sorry, shreksfiona. You must feel desperate, and desperately sad. sad

mrsjay Sat 05-Oct-13 10:54:54

is there somewhere he can go if he is out of the house I dont think your family have to put up with this behaviour anymore, do you have a young persons gay lesbian transgendered support group in your area, try children and young peoples services for support, for you and him they may be able to help him find somewhere else to live, I have no other advice other than you do not need to put up with this it is ok to support him from a far his behaviour is self destruct and you have tried and tried,

moggiek Sat 05-Oct-13 22:37:31

Shrek time for him to move out. You and your other DCs need your lives back.

cordyroy Sun 06-Oct-13 21:24:37

Really sorry that you and your family are in such an awful situation at home. I agree that it seems impossible for your ds to stay unless his behaviour changes. I hope that you can find a way to rebuild your relationship and support him through what must be a very difficult time. I have no experience dealing with transgender issues and although I like to think I would be open minded and accepting I don't think anybody can know how they would handle it until faced with it within their own family.
Good luck to you and your family.

Shreksfiona Tue 08-Oct-13 08:24:58

Thx everyone for the support, if I hadn't tried everything in my power to get him support, I would seriously be beating myself up about it. The final straw for me was when he stole money out of my 22 month olds money box for his own addictions, that is disgusting, he is still here but we have spoke very little and I have told him , he needs to want to change, I can't do it for him, he brings one more person back here I don't know I am going to report it to the police, I am seriously not putting up with his shit, I will support his transgender decisions every way possible, the only way is up xx

Pootles2010 Tue 08-Oct-13 12:25:20

I really think you need to start referring to your daughter properly! I know she's behaving dreadfully, but you say you want to support her decisions, it starts now.

Shreksfiona Tue 08-Oct-13 18:40:34

After 18 yeats of calling him a boy, its really a habit that I really refer to him, dreadful isnt the word, I am afraid there is not many of her family that wish to support her behaviour

Pootles2010 Wed 09-Oct-13 11:57:15

I know. I just think its a small thing that may show her that she's respected and loved.

I certainly don't mean that you should support her behaviour. I would look at getting her accomodation elsewhere, would that be a possibility?

allmycats Wed 09-Oct-13 12:14:06

I could not just ignore this but do not know if my input will be of use to you.
Whatever the gender of your children you have the right to feel safe within your own home, as do your other children. You do not have to
'disown' your child but you do need to put some space between you. They will have to find somewhere else to live if they cannot adhere to the rules of your home, and this is the same regardless of who they are.
You are clearly threatened, and you and your other children are being placed in dangerous situations due to the behaviour of this child. They must leave and find some where else to stay.

When you have distance between you then you can start to work together to sort your situation out.

Do not let other people berate you for this situation - it is not your fault.

Does she have any friends that are stable? Any that aren't losers?

It's difficult trying to find your place in the world and at 18 - mistakes will be made! But I think you should arrange for her to move out.

She will benefit as will have her own pad and have to fend for herself and she may get a newfound respect for all you have done.

I have friends that were in a similar position at that age and acted the same. Almost like 'I don't know who people expect me to be and I don't know who I am so I am going to be this outrageous creature'.

No idea where you are but if you're in Scotland I have some suggestions that may or may not help!

madeofkent Thu 10-Oct-13 12:22:25

Do you have a garage that you could make comfortable? Give her a curfew and enforce it, take away her keys and change the locks and lock the door at curfew time. After that it's sleep in the garage time. I have met a couple of people whose parents threw them out and they have become very nice adults but it took years of tough love. Yes she needs help but she won't take it until she is ready to, nothing you can do will make her see that. All you can do is provide her with moral support, not money, and as much shelter as you can give her/cope with, without harming the others.

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