16 yr old daughters 18 yr old boyfriend & family have turned her against us

(108 Posts)
Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 01:52:58

Basically our daughter has been with this 18 yr old boy for a few months now and I tried making him feel welcome & although her dad didn't like him he promised to try too, we took him away for the weekend with us, took him for dinner a couple Of times & even to an event our daughter was going to, just so he felt included. Next thing we know our daughter went to a party at this lads house & didn't want to abide by any rules set by us :/ we said she was to come home and not spend the night there but low and behold she stayed there the night against our wishes -.- the next day we went and picked her up which she wasn't happy about, she was wearing his top, boxers shorts & hoody sad the boys mum & family saw nothing wrong with this although we had previously stipulated that we did NOT want them sleeping together in the same room. We tried speaking to our daughter about the disrespect but she completely flew off the handle & got verbally aggressive towards me telling me to leave the house & that she hates me etc etc.... Me never hearing such painful things from either of my daughters before was completely shocked & it tore me to pieces but stupidly I told her to leave if she hated me that much sad 20 minutes later she walked out & turned to this lad & his family. She made the argument out to be worse then it actually was & they took her in, I kept texting but she wouldn't reply to me, I texted her boyfriend asking if he had heard from her & if she was safe but he wasn't replying to me, at this point myself, my other daughter & the girls dad had got in our cars & were searching the town & neighbouring villages for signs of our daughter. After 3 hours of searching & unreplied to txts we went to the boyfriends mothers house I knocked & asked if they had heard from our daughter & the mother said no! While walking away from the front door back to the car I had that mothers instinct & I knew she was lying to me sad a half hour later our youngest daughter went to the boyfriends house & knocked on the door & his older sister came to the door & again lied to my youngest who was in tears in the pouring rain on their doorstep.
Within 10 minutes we then got a txt from our eldest daughter saying that she was at there house & didn't want to speak or see us. We then knew for sure she was safe so left her there the night to calm down. This went on for 6 days! She stayed there & the boyfriend & his family made it feel like a holiday to our daughter while we were sat at home feeling like our world had been tipped upside down because our daughter wasn't replying to us at all. We then found out she was lying to them about us BUT they still believe her, we also found out the boys mother had let them have sex in the house the whole time sad then we found out they were trying to go to the council & get my daughter a one bedroom flat they called the police out in us because apparently we were pestering them because we was trying to find out what was going on & how our daughter was? Since then we got our daughter home but she is still disrespectful & when she was told she wasn't going out at 9:15pm the other night she texted her boyfriend & his mother & told them that she had had a bad row with her father & had walked out & was scared to go home because he grabbed her -.- they then called the police to arrest him sadluckily this was untrue, her dad had simply said she was not going out as it was late & she was grounded (he had NOT grabbed her at all) the police realised this was the case & brought her home. But all she does now is show her boyfriend & his family respect & lie about us to gain whatever she wants from his family & I'm sick of it, iv got to the point where I don't want to lose her but if she walks out again I'm just going to let her get on with it :/

He has changed her & I just want some advice on how to get her away from him & his immoral family

BillyBanter Mon 30-Sep-13 02:18:51

In what way are this family immoral?

poppingin1 Mon 30-Sep-13 02:28:17

I sense there is more to this than meets the eye.

Why did your younger daughter go back alone to their house a half hour after you had been there in the pouring rain and crying?

poppingin1 Mon 30-Sep-13 02:29:50

She couldn't have changed over night, so were here signs that her character was changing?

What do you think this boy has done to change your daughter?

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 02:39:58

Billybanter he and his family have lied to our faces and let us roam the streets looking for her without telling us she was safe, also when we have asked the mother to not allow them to sleep in the same room together she openly encouraged them to spend the night together in the same bed then advised our daughter to go and get the morning after pill from the doctors

Poppingin1 our youngest daughter was not alone, we were in the car but she wanted to try and see if they would tell her older sister was safe etc

He's changed her because he and his family allow her to do absolutely anything she pleases like miss school & work, drink have sex, apparently us giving her ground rules of being home
At a reasonable time because of school is too controlling and we should
Allow her to make her own decisions, I think not! She's a 16 year old girl who I don't think should be out roaming the streets at all hours of the night. the boy frequently drinks hard liquor and has cheated on his past girlfriend

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 02:44:45

Poppingin1 her character changed slightly at first, she started to seclude herself from her friends at school to the point where she was ignoring all their messages and still is ignoring 95% of her friends unless it's someone who is his friend.

We also found out that when she was 15 (he was 17) he stuck his hand down her knickers & she asked him to stop and he kept his hand there for a few minutes sad

We spoke to the police about this and they said that they would need to hear the complaint from our daughter.

Hmm they don't sound awful - they got her to have sex responsibly which seems sensible, they looked after her when she said she needed them to, and they protected her from someone who she said hurt her. It appears that they have been sucked in by her lies... Have you tried talking to the family when your daughter is not around?

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 03:11:53

They don't sound awful? For hours we were worried whether our daughter was safe and they didn't even bother to let us know she was safe. Then to keep her there for nearly a week and not entertain encouraging her to talk to us and sort things out was in my mind awful because although she is 16 they are ALL adults and should've taken a more mature view to all of this :/ To me the fact that the mother is aware we did not want them sleeping together then encourages them to sleep in the same bed together is wrong :/ I wouldn't do that to another mothers daughter.
I was constantly asking to meet up and chat with them and was continuously getting ignored however the step father kept sending me "provoking" texts (those are the words of the police)

Another issue we have with them is they know our daughter has neurological seizures and shouldn't be drinking while these are under investigation but they thought it was a good idea to give her Jack Daniels & Jaeger bombs

lunar1 Mon 30-Sep-13 03:46:05

They do sound like a nightmare. She is a hormonal teenager. What they are doing is no different really than giving a toddler free run of the sweet shop after you have said no more sweets before tea.

The cynic in me wonders if they were trying to get your dd into a council flat for their ds to move into.

Your dd sounds vulnerable and they are exploiting her. Giving her alcohol while she is having seizures is really worrying.

JustinBsMum Mon 30-Sep-13 05:00:06

What a nightmare for you. Don't have much advice really.

What are her and your rights, is she an adult at 16 or do you still have responsibility for her?

You could just keep txting but leave them to it for a while. Perhaps the parents of BF and the BF will start resenting having to fund DD (presuming you refuse her any money at present). Can the school help? Is the BF at school too?

FellatioNelson Mon 30-Sep-13 06:30:36

The whole problem seems to stem from the fact that you refuse to acknowledge that at 16 and 18 they are perfectly entitled to have a sexual relationship if they want one.

You keep banging on about not getting any respect from her but it sounds to me as though she doesn't get any respect from you. You don't have to like all of her choices, but unfortunately you do have to go along with one or two of them, and if she chooses to become sexually active once she's over the age of consent (even if it's with someone you don't much like) then there is not a damn thing you can do about it - nor should you try. Your job is to counsel her and support her as she explores sex and adult relationships, and to warn her of the dangers of promiscuity and poor judgement where boys are concerned - not to just ban sex out of hand and expect her to comply. Not only is that unreasonable but it's highly unrealistic and you are setting yourself up to fail, and to alienate her.

I think you and her father are in a blind panic and trying to control her as though she were still 12, not 16, and I suspect you are getting pretty heavy handed into the bargain. I think this is the real reason his mother let her hide out in her house - she was perhaps worried for her wellbeing and was trying to put some time and space between you in order to give everyone time to calm down. Admittedly she may have been a bit misguided in pretended your DD was not there, but I imagine her motivation was not to annoy you, but to protect your DD. Plus, if all you do is keep shouting the odds about how you dislike and distrust her son then she may be feeling very defensive and disinclined to co-operate with you.

There is no reason why her BF should not occasionally drink 'hard liquor' if he chooses.

There is no reason why his mother should listen to your demands about what happens in her own home, between two young people over the age of consent.

Of course if these things are affecting her school work etc, then it would be nice if you could come to some sort of compromise with his mother about when/how often she goes there, and you are entitled while she still lives with you to dictate when and where (to an extent) she goes out, but just shouting 'NO! I WON'T HAVE IT! YOU MUST ALL DO AS I SAY!' at everyone is going to get your nowhere.

I don't think he has changed her - I think just growing up has changed her. Stop looking to blame others and accept that she is not a little girl anymore.

You sound very pig-headed, expecting everyone else to fall into line and follow your rules. Just back off for a minute and focus on building a relationship with your daughter where she feels you are on her side. Don't you remember what it was like being 16?

We also found out that when she was 15 (he was 17) he stuck his hand down her knickers & she asked him to stop and he kept his hand there for a few minutes

We spoke to the police about this and they said that they would need to hear the complaint from our daughter.

How did you find out this? Did your daughter actually tell you that she felt at all violated or upset by this? Why and when did you speak to the police about it?

Fairylea Mon 30-Sep-13 06:41:31

At 16 she is entitled to have a sexual relationship, you do respect and realise that don't you?

Start from there and support and talk to her. You are treating her like a naughty 12 year old. No wonder she is digging her heels in.

onyerbike Mon 30-Sep-13 06:43:09

OP I have real sympathy with you, I have experienced a similar situation with my teenager. It is very difficult to protect your daughter from herself if she is surrounded by people who undermine you.

Of course dd likes it at her bf's house, apparently there aren't many rules.
I suspect the family are only interested in their sons happiness unfortunately dd is to loved up and immature to know who has her best interests at heart.

It is very disloyal of your dd and i know how much it hurts but the only thing you can do is let it go and step back for your own sanity.

FellatioNelson Mon 30-Sep-13 06:49:13

And all this to-ing and fro-ing with the police sounds like a nightmare of tit-for-tat accusations, each side trying to trump the other. Seriously, don't fall into the trap of dragging the police into this - it sounds unnecessary and counter-productive.

wakemeupnow Mon 30-Sep-13 06:50:12

They do sound like a nightmare but they do alsoseem to care about your daughter, but have very different limits to you. This situation needs to calm down and have the drama taken out of it for everyones sakes.

In order to keep communication open with your DD you are going to have to demonstrate to her that you trust her as she needs to learn to trust herself in situations that have risk attached.

I would let go the reigns a bit and try to find a compromise that suits you both. Could she stay over his house at the weekend if she agrees to stay home during the week for eg. Could you accept that she is going to have sexual relationships and take her to familly planning where she can get protection and advice ?

It hopefully won't last long. He has a history of cheating so he'll probably break her heart quite soon and you can be there to pick up the pieces.

Fairylea Mon 30-Sep-13 06:52:31

Also you say about the hand down the knickers incident - how did you find this out, given your relationship with your dd doesn't exactly sound like an open one?

The drinking - at 16 she should understand the implications of drinking on her own health conditions, she doesn't or shouldn't need anyone else telling her not to drink. At that age many teens are out at the weekend going to pubs with their friends, it is up to her to say no and look after herself. I take it you've had a calm and sensible discussion about how drink affects her medical condition?

For a 16 year old to turn to another family against her own and actually call the police on them is highly unusual. I suspect your response to her has been extremely heavy handed..

Roshbegosh Mon 30-Sep-13 07:00:01

Honestly I think you just have to be there when she comes back with the relationship in tatters, the bf's family fed up of her and a lesson learnt about life, I don't see what you can do to stop this that is legal. It is a nightmare situation and she might be enjoying the drama and choosing to miss school but I think you just have to accept that she has moved out for the time being. What will she live on? How will she spend her days? I hope she is using contraception. She is playing at being grown up and is being enabled by this boys family. In time she will see them for what they are rather than cool people treating her like an adult, which she is not. You have to sit it out and focus on your other children.

pictish Mon 30-Sep-13 07:00:05

I think she's rebelling against your strictness and interference tbh.
It sounds as though you and your dh are rather inappropriately desperate to keep this young woman under the thumb like a little girl of 12.

She has flown to her boyfriend's family because she is sick of being controlled by her parents.
If you were not so OTT overbearing, I doubt she would have felt the need.

I think you may need to examine your own methods and what part they have played in all of this.

poachedeggs Mon 30-Sep-13 07:01:02

Great posts Fellatio.

gamerchick Mon 30-Sep-13 07:02:14

I totally agree with PP.. she's 16.. she's chosen to be sexually active and once they start you can't stop them.

It sounds as if you haven't released your parental strangle hold as she's got older. There comes a point where you can only guide them. You haven't got a chance of he'll of getting her to conform now.. not as she's tasted freedom.

You need to change your way of dealing with her.. you can't go backwards. It's time to acknowledge she's growing up and thrash out a compromise.

gamerchick Mon 30-Sep-13 07:03:13

Xposts

pictish Mon 30-Sep-13 07:04:11

YY...I agree...I think the answer probably lies not in locking her down, but setting her free.

MrsHoratioNelson Mon 30-Sep-13 07:08:44

I can understand that you are worried about your DD but your reaction seems to be way over the top and you are at serious risk of driving your daughter away forever. I doubt very much that this boy's mother has actually "encouraged" sexual relationship so much as permitted it.

In terms of a sexual relationship there is nothing you can do to stop this - legally or practically - and the more you try, the less success you are likely to have.

If her younger sister is also laying on the emotional blackmail (no doubt egged on by you) no wonder your DD wants to escape to her boyfriend's house where sees allowed to just get on with her life.

FellatioNelson Mon 30-Sep-13 07:10:35

To me the fact that the mother is aware we did not want them sleeping together then encourages them to sleep in the same bed together is wrong :/ I wouldn't do that to another mothers daughter.

There is a big difference between encouraging, and accepting.

Another issue we have with them is they know our daughter has neurological seizures and shouldn't be drinking while these are under investigation but they thought it was a good idea to give her Jack Daniels & Jaeger bombs

Again, how do you know this in that level of detail? Are you reading her diary? Who is telling you these things? Do you know for sure that they are giving her the alcohol and encouraging her to drink, or are they just turning a blind eye to the fact that she drinks? Was it at a party they held and a one off, or do they (as you seem to want to imply) ply her with booze regularly for no good reason?

pictish Mon 30-Sep-13 07:20:13

And I think sending your younger daughter to their door in tears, having already been there yourself half an hour earlier, clearly marks you out as the problem. Total overkill.

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 08:40:38

To answer the questions above
Our eldest daughter told us about the hand down knickers thing & the drink & the mother telling them to sleep in the same room as apparently there wasn't enough space for our daughter elsewhere.

Up until now I had a very open relationship with my daughter & she has spoken to me about quite a lot of things.

Yes it's interfering with her schooling as he is at the same school as her and she's been skipping study periods to go back to his house.

It's not a case of us wanting to keep her 12 at all, it's a case of trying to protect her.

The hard liquor drinking isn't occasional it's at least 4 nights a week.

Also I did not send our youngest daughter to their door in tears, she wanted to go to the door and when she walked the 20 feet from the at to the door she wasn't crying it was while standing at the door she became tearful.

In my opinion whether it's agreed with or not the parents of the lad should've spoken to us to see what was going on as they didn't know us at all and hadn't met us. I offered mediation but it was refused.

Now whenever our daughter wants to see him regardless of what homework she has to do she just shouts at us that's she's going to see him whether we like it or not and walks out for the rest of the evening and strolls in at midnight then moans at us when we try and wake her up in time for school (we are actually facing that one this morning, she was meant to be in school by now but she will not get out of bed because she went out with him and was talking till early hours in the morning.

This boy has alienated her from her peer group so that hardly any of them even bother with her anymore and the ones that do still bother with her are nearly walking away because she completely ignores them, but he makes sure he goes out a couple of nights a week with other girls and tells our daughter this but doesn't invite her along.

It's a whole big tangled mess & I came on here for advice not for someone to start making assumptions about me. Everything I have said on here has come from my daughters own mouth apart from the thing about her friends walking away, that has come from the friends mouths when they have spoken to us with their concerns on how he seems to be controlling her :/

Ursula8 Mon 30-Sep-13 08:42:27

I agree with other posters. She is 16, not 11. She is a young adult and has every right to live wherever she likes, have sex with whomever she chooses. You sound really controlling OP. It does not surprise me that she has chosen to try to run away from you and possibly gone from the frying pan into the fire.
Back off. If she can see you will treat her as an adult she may choose to re-establish some kind of relationship with you.

Ursula8 Mon 30-Sep-13 08:42:38

I agree with other posters. She is 16, not 11. She is a young adult and has every right to live wherever she likes, have sex with whomever she chooses. You sound really controlling OP. It does not surprise me that she has chosen to try to run away from you and possibly gone from the frying pan into the fire.
Back off. If she can see you will treat her as an adult she may choose to re-establish some kind of relationship with you.

JustinBsMum Mon 30-Sep-13 09:04:16

He seems to have her under his thumb. Arranging contraception with her would be my first plan.

Might the school choose to chat to her about the consequences of failed exams next spring?

clam Mon 30-Sep-13 09:16:51

Is she in Year 11 or 12?
If she's Yr 12, how did she get on in her GCSEs? did she take them before or during her relationship with this bloke?

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 09:19:59

We have sorted out the mini pill and hoping she will take it as promised? We also encouraged her when she got to the age of 16 to carry a condom with her so that if it happened she would be prepared even though it was not our personal wish. What scares us is they have both descussed baby names :/

We have spoken to the school and they have explained that if she doesn't pull her weight and show some responsibility for herself they will kick her off the course as she only just scraped onto the course in the first place. I'm at my wits end because she is walking a very thin line with the school already and her skipping lessons is not doing her any favours at all.

Another problem she faces is that her part time job have said they do not want her working there with all this disruption because it's bad for business so she has even lost work because of it all.

It just seems that she's gone from a very loving, funny hard working young lady to a don't care about anyone else, only happy while with him & cba to work or do school work girl.

From a mum still trying to get her daughter out of bed and to school an hour late :/ time for a cup of tea I think?

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 09:23:12

She's currently yr 12 and yes she was with him while taking exams and literally scraped in on the lowest route possible, she would not study when she was meant to and even when her old friends set up study sessions she blanked them and went out with this lad even though she told us she was at the library studying

noddyholder Mon 30-Sep-13 09:24:22

I would be just like you and I am pretty liberal I think! 16 and in ft education is still a child my ds is 19 and at uni and he is a complete different kettle of fish to who he was and what he needed at 16. I think you need to step back ad let her flounder which she will I am sure of it.

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 09:36:37

I'm glad there's a light at the end of the tunnel and that it gets better? I'm just worried that's all she's a good person really and some days that shines through

alreadytaken Mon 30-Sep-13 09:40:44

This not AIBU and the OP is understandably concerned about a 16 year old having sex without contraception, drinking and missing school. She needs support. It was helpful to present the picture from the other family's point of view but really they should have either got the girl to send a message saying she was safe with friends or told the OP she was there and they felt it was better to leave her to calm down.

Legally your daughter can live where she pleases, although the police would try to encourage her to come home, and it is possible that she would have a baby with this boy to get a flat. Therefore the least bad course of action is to accept that she will sleep with the boy, arrange contraception (as you have) and wait for her to see him as he really is. If he is going out with other girls and cheated on his last girlfriend it probably won't be long before news of another girl gets onto Facebook/ comes via her friends.

Meanwhile concentrate on trying to keep her on the course and in part-time work so she has work experience if she fails the course. There will be other study routes available later if she messes this up but if she gets a bad work record it will be more difficult to find work later. If she does have a baby now without the means to support it life will be very tough for her. If she likes reading get her a copy of Anne Fine's Flour Babies.

I am concerned about the comment that the disruption is bad for business. Have you been arguing with her at work? If so you need to apologise to her employer and make it clear it won't happen again.

aturtlenamedmack Mon 30-Sep-13 09:56:14

My mum could have written tour post when I was 16.
From my perspective at the time I was in love and my parents were trying to prevent me from being with the person that I was in love with.
I felt that I was an adult and that my parents should just leave me to get on with what I wanted to do.
I didn't feel that they were concerened about my wellbeing, just that they didn't like my boyfriend.
It took me until I was 20 to understand that they had my best interests at heart. Until then I behaved badly towards them and lived with my boyfriend.
I can see now that my decisions were terrible and I can completely understand their concern but as I say, up until about the age of 20 I felt that they didn't like/love me and were just trying to make my life difficult.
My advice to you would be to offer your daughter support and to try not to be critical of her. Avoid confrontation and just try to form a relationship with her that will leave her comfortable enough to return home to you if she needs to.
I remember being very unhappy for at least 2 years before me and my boyfriend split up but not feeling as though I could return home because my relationship with my parents was in tatters.
I know that this will be difficult to do but speaking as someone with experience of the other perspective i think this is what would have helped me the most and encouraged me to return to my family more quickly.

noddyholder Mon 30-Sep-13 09:58:00

The good in her and everything you have taught her all the love etc will come into play in the next few years My ds was an arse a 16 and now he is an angel. He wouldn't listen to anything and was sooomdisrespectful I stood back and he saw the light. And he can even acknowledge the crap he gave us and shakes his head at his own stupidity but it's a difficult age for some. Keep loving her but you don't have to like her ATM

aturtlenamedmack Mon 30-Sep-13 10:00:17

Just to add, while this was happening I messed up school and left without qualifications. I am now doing a masters (aged 25) and have managed to get back on track.
Although it is far from ideal, if she does mess up at school it doesn't mean she won't ever be able to return.
As I say, support her as best you can and make sure she is comfortable in your home so that she can return if she needs to.

chocoluvva Mon 30-Sep-13 10:06:22

How upsetting for you. You have every right to be very annoyed with her BF's family. It's unfortunate that they are irresponsible and happy to comply with your DD's BF's wishes at the expense of your DD. If they were nicer they'd have sent your DD home and ensured that you were happy with any arrangements, especially as she is significantly younger than their DS. She won't see it like that at the moment though.

It's unfortunate that you reacted strongly to her staying over. She will have been embarrassed in front of him and his family and extremely annoyed with you for 'treating her like a child/being controlling' as she will see it.

I wish I'd been more positive about my 15YO's BF and his family (who were a mini-version of your DD's BF's family from the sounds of it) when they were first going out. Of course she preferred being there with his older sibling and 'cool' mum. What a refreshing change from her nagging mum!
Don't make negative comments about her BF or his family or give her any more reason to rebel against you by seeing him against your wishes. Avoid creating any dramas, as the drama will be part of her enjoyment of her relationship. Be loving and supportive. Comment on anything positive she does. Bolster her self-esteem. Ensure she feels respected, loved and valued in her own home to lessen the appeal of being in his home. The relationship will end. Try to stay calm.

I think the posters who have criticised you for overreacting are making good points about your DD's reasonable expectation to be allowed to sleep with her BF now she's 16. But I sympathise with your anger at her BF's family. It puts you in a very difficult situation. They are taking advantage of her inexperience. Don't comment on them though. And pretend to be interested in your DD's BF. Cook him his favourite dinner and gush all over him. Have a wine or beer with your dinner perhaps. You'll allow your DD to see him and his family for what they are.

flowers from me.

chocoluvva Mon 30-Sep-13 10:07:21

x-posted. Same advice. Try not to panic.

chocoluvva Mon 30-Sep-13 10:09:25

I'm so glad you've had supportive posts while I was taking forever to type.

pictish Mon 30-Sep-13 10:23:45

Good post turtle.

This is a teenage rebellion. She is infatuated with this boy, and nothing on earth will change that except her own maturity and awareness.
You must change tack. Instead of saying "this boy and his family have changed my daughter", think of it as your daughter's own decision and responsibility. Stop blaming them - she will only see that as further evidence of your misunderstanding of their love, and how you just don't like him.
In other words, don't give her anything to rebel against. Be neutral about the boy, even if he makes you gip.

She is going through a very intense and all consuming first love, and by God can that be powerful!

I'm sorry to say that she does sound disengaged from her studies, and to be honest, I don't think she'll recover that sufficiently and make a fist of it. I think she'll let that slide. It's a shame and very frustrating for you as a parent to watch - I understand that you must want to shake her...but try to remind yourself that school isn't the last chance. If it all falls to shit, there are other paths into education. All will certainly not be lost.

For the time being I think you need to repair your relationship with your daughter. No more turning up with weeping siblings ok? Stop thinking of them as a cult out to warp your dd, and realise that the decisions she is making, poor though they are, are her responsibilty. I agree that the lad is most likely manipulating and influencing your dd, but no amount of telling her that will bring her round. She will dig her heels in further rather than admit you were right.

You need to play the long game and make sure that she feels comfortable in coming to you when his glitter does begin to tarnish. Which it will.

It's actually quite a critical situation. Prioritise! Your relationship is paramount above all else...even school. x

chocoluvva Mon 30-Sep-13 10:26:07

"play the long game"

"Your relationship is paramount above all else"

That's it in a nutshell.

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 10:30:48

Sorry I don't understand the abbreviations used so may look like I'm being ignorant but I'm not :/

I have told her I will always love her no matter what and iv told her daily that I'm here for her and love her and her sister equally

She is back home now but seems somewhat vacant if that makes sense?

I finally managed to get her into school 20 minutes ago (nearly 2 hours late)

We wouldn't mind if this lad was respectful to her and had her best interests at heart but from what we've been told he tells his sister & friends about things he gets upto with our daughter and he isn't fussed about her having time off of school because he himself got kicked off of his course 2 years ago and is having to repeat it all now

She just seems to be losing everything just to be with him :/

No we hardly ever argue at home, the work was saying this because she went in and boasted about running away to them and asked for an advance on her wages

The only rules we set for our daughter before all this happened was that she has to put her education first and then when she has done her homework she can go and see him as long as she is home by 10pm each night

Thank you all for support

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 10:38:09

Pictish, choccoluvva she is home now thankfully (well not literally as just managed to get her off to school 2 hours late) and yes I agree it's the long game that needs to be played and iv not mentioned to her how much this boy irritates us because as you say she will see that as another excise to rebel. I just want her to believe in herself again and stop this whole "I hate myself" attitude that she seems to have adopted recently. She did apologise eventfully for saying she hates me and telling me to F off cause no one wants me here anymore :/ I assured her I will always forgive her.

Just needed to post here to try and keep my sanity during this long game that I'm having to play

And to turtleMack thank you it's much appreciated to hear from you & to know that you're now back on track is great to know cause it gives me hope smile

CeliaFate Mon 30-Sep-13 10:39:35

You need to try and engage with her and find out what she wants.

Is she happy in her relationship?

It sounds as though she is struggling and rebelling against your rules.

Try and talk to her - you need to compromise on some things if you want to maintain a relationship with her.

Is there a peer counsellor at school who could help?

Would your dd agree to you speaking to the head of year?

You've had a hard time on this thread when you've come here for advice and support. I hope you can get your dd to realise how destructive her behaviour could be if it continues.

alreadytaken Mon 30-Sep-13 10:40:15

the best way to get something through to young people is usually from other young people. Her older sister could talk to her or any older cousins. Sometimes they will pay more attention to grandparents.

Spoiling/fussing over the boy may encourage teenage rebellion to cut in against him.

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 10:55:45

Celiafate
She is struggling but seems to not want to admit it?
She shouts more then talks but that is a sign that something isn't right and that she is aware that something's not right but doesn't want to admit it to us yet. So we have just calmly asked her not to keep shouting and that we are here when she needs to talk and her reply is always "why are you saying need to talk? It's like you're saying things are going wrong between me & BF" so we just let it slide as not to cause any arguments.

we have compromised and said that she is allowed to see him the only rule we are strict on is that she does her school work

@alreadytaken fuss over the boy? Do you mean for us to act like we are overly accepting of him? Like reverse psychology?

CeliaFate Mon 30-Sep-13 11:07:01

It's very hard to admit when you're wrong as a teenager.

Would you be willing to welcome him into your home so they spend time with you?

The other thing I would try is to fund something she takes an active interest in so she would spend time away from him out of choice.

ubik Mon 30-Sep-13 11:08:36

They got her to have sex responsibly????? By advising she gets the morning after pill? That's responsible behaviour??

Op I think you are going to have to let her make mistakes and be there when it all goes wrong. So sorry fir your situation but you can't force her to bend to your rules anymore, sensible as they are...sad

friday16 Mon 30-Sep-13 11:17:07

Once you're at the stage of phoning up the police because your daughter has told you that you other daughter's boyfriend put his hand in her knickers and she didn't like it you're completely lost the plot. What do you expect the police to do in those circumstances? Seriously? Outline what the purpose was of calling them, and what you thought would happen next.

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 11:18:51

We have taken this lad away with us on short holidays and out to dinner and to the city with us and shopping etc etc the only thing we don't do is allow the girls friends home at night as their dad has to go to bed very early because of getting up early in the morning.

We have tried talking to her about hobbies and she seems uninterested in anything that doesn't include him BUT we are still trying for example her driving lessons are coming up and we have tried engaging her in talking about what help we are offering her and what car she would like etc

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 11:20:40

Thank you, we are trying to be very neutral & let her make mistakes but it's very upsetting. Thank you though for your words smile

Sparklysilversequins Mon 30-Sep-13 11:24:00

I think you've been too controlling for too long and she's rebelled in almighty fashion. I think you sound a bit unrealistic about what 16 year olds do as well.

My parents were a bit like this and couldn't seem to deal with the fact that stuff I was doing was normal teenage stuff and not bad or wrong. They overreacted to everything and I am sensing that from your posts. This may be why she feels that she has to burn bridges because you've upped the stakes over even just normal stuff. I know that's how I felt and ended up running away from home aged 14 because my Dad caught me having a cigarette and it was truly as if the world had ended. I just felt as though I had nowhere left to go. Maybe she feels that way? I don't smoke now by the way.

That said I think the boyfriends parents sound awful and like they're loving the drama rather than doing the right thing of getting her to communicate with you.

If I were you I would back right off (do you think you can?). Contraception - good call. I think if you relax she may decide to come back and the novelty will wear off.

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 11:25:10

Friday16 we did not call the police about this we had a casual chat with them with regards to it but seriously you need to rethink the fact you're saying I lost the plot!?

It was her current boyfriend that did this to her when she was below the age of consent and he was above the age of consent. So no I do not feel that I "lost the plot"

This lad/bloke (as he is 18) has in the past been known to do sexual things with a 13 year old when he was above age of consent. So I think as a mother I have every right to be concerned about his approach to this kind of behaviour.

AnandaTimeIn Mon 30-Sep-13 11:34:15

The cynic in me wonders if they were trying to get your dd into a council flat for their ds to move into.

My thoughts too....

morethanpotatoprints Mon 30-Sep-13 11:36:45

Hello OP.

I don't think she should be doing this at 16 neither and there is every chance she will flounder.
I don't think you sound controlling and just want the best for your dd, the same as we all do.
If it was me I would tell her I am always there for her but her recent behaviour as shown she is an adult and should be treated as such.
This means fully supporting herself, if necessary give her cb or equivalent if you don't get this and that is it for the month.
She will soon realise where her bread is buttered.
Tell her she has to respect your wishes or find her own place. This will probably mean her going to bf house, where they don't sound like they can support her.
You need to be tough on her because otherwise this will drag on for years and ruin her education. She needs to wake up and she can only do this if you are firm with her.

Slipshodsibyl Mon 30-Sep-13 11:43:39

I don't think you sound especially controlling at all and am surprised at some of the responses here. This boy sounds as though he has few aspirations and is not particularly respectful of your daughter. Neither is his mother respectful of your family values since she is still only 16.

If she is home and communicating, then things are looking up. I think you have to grit your teeth and accept she might make a mess of her school year, but please don't worry as exams may be re-done and education taken up again later. It sounds as though you are maintaining a relationship and managing to put your worries aside and as a mother of daughters I know how hard that is as they grow up and do things you know are against heir own interests. I am sure this will pass.

As an aside , Is the mini pill safe enough for a young girl? Isn't is less efficacious than he combined and doesn't it have to be taken at exactly the same time each day?

friday16 Mon 30-Sep-13 11:44:22

It was her current boyfriend that did this to her when she was below the age of consent

So on the strength of a third-hand account you went to the police to discuss an offence under S.9 of the 2003 Sexual Offences Act which carries a penalty of up to fourteen years' in jail, and you're wondering why your daughter is being difficult? There is no such thing as a "casual chat" about sexual offences. As she would be the only witness, what did you think would happen next? What was your purpose?

This lad/bloke (as he is 18) has in the past been known to do sexual things with a 13 year old

And you know as a fact this because...?

Slipshodsibyl Mon 30-Sep-13 11:51:17

Friday why do you assume this distraught mother whose child is missing her a level studies phoned the police to complain rather than told them about it to explain their distress about the relationship when the police were called out to their house by the boyfriends mother?

friday16 Mon 30-Sep-13 12:05:31

Friday why do you assume this distraught mother whose child is missing her a level studies phoned the police to complain

I wasn't aware that making sure sixteen year olds did their homework was part of the police's remit, either. There are very few situations which are improved by calling the police, and without substantially stronger evidence and cause calling the police and casually throwing "he's a paedophile, too" into conversation is only going to escalate the situation to no good purpose.

Is the OP attempting to imply that this is some sort of grooming situation where a child is being abused? Well given she's over sixteen, the man is not in a "position of trust" and there aren't (as reported, anyway) reasons to believe she is formally "vulnerable" or "at risk" and therefore subject to social services (very rare for people over 16 anyway), what is gained by involving the police? I ask again: what does the OP think the police can, or will, do? This seems to have escalated to a messy and protracted dispute between two families, with both sides calling the police on the other, over something (an 18 year old sleeping with a 16 year old) which is not, in any sane world, the subject of police concern.

The OP's main gripe appears to be that someone else isn't enforcing her moral concerns in their own house, over something that's entirely legal (sex with a sixteen year old) and another thing that's entirely legal (supplying alcohol for consumption by a person of sixteen on private premises). Things have now progressed to a point where reason has gone out of the window, and it's not hard to see why the child in the middle of it is not exactly receptive to being told that she's being unreasonable.

poppingin1 Mon 30-Sep-13 12:16:36

I was going to say pretty much what everyone else has said already.

I suspect this is a relationship where you have had trouble letting go as your DD has been growing up, she has started to lie and manipulate to ease away from your overly watchful eye, and is now full on rebelling. She has pushed the boundaries to get you off her back but because you are unable to understand that she is growing up and needs some space and that that is why she is behaving this way, you have pushed back by amping up your own behaviour and driven her further away.

My mum is the same and it pushed me into the arms of an abusive partner, it is actually a pretty common story with young women.

I have come to this conclusion because of the fact that your daughter is telling lies. She is manipulating the other family from what you have said, which means the problem is more likely to be rooted in why she is lying than in what the other family is doing. The fact that they have given her some semblance of freedom has encouraged her to rebel, but only because she feels she has something to rebel against from the sounds of things. If she is lying in this fashion, there is a reason why, and to me it seems she is lying to get away from your family.

I don't think you sound like a terrible mother BTW, just maybe an overprotective one. Sometimes a parent might not see that what they think is them trying to protect their child, is actually the thing that can hinder or hurt their child.

That is of course my opinion based on what you have said. There may be far more to this story.

If the boy sexually assaulted her when she was 15, it begs the question as to why she is with him now. I don't disbelieve what you have said at all, but it is a question that needs answering to further understand what your daughter has going through her mind.

alreadytaken Mon 30-Sep-13 13:03:32

OP some posts are best ignored.

As a family we have watched programmes like Worlds Strictest Parents http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=injN7f2xLwg It's quite good for letting them see that actually they could be a lot worse off grin

Your daughter is struggling with her course and she thinks she is in love and young love is strong stuff. It rarely lasts. She's already worrying about losing him to another girl. She probably has low self-esteem. Do you think you could interest them both in any voluntary work as a way of helping them find employment later? It can be great for building self-esteem.Yes I was suggesting reverse psychology - make teenage rebellion work for you.

I don't think I'd be offering her a car unless she worked for it. Driving lessons help them find work later but giving her a car is almost rewarding bad behaviour.

lljkk Mon 30-Sep-13 13:12:43

The boyfriend & family sound unsavory to say the least, but some of OP's choices have also escalated this, textbook in how not to handle a rebelling teen her grotty boyfriend.
One thing you know doesn't work is cracking down on her, OP. Time for a change of tack.

chocoluvva Mon 30-Sep-13 13:27:19

Good advice. Encourage him to come round to yours. Rave about him to her. Ask about his plans. Invite him on family outings. Seriously.

Fairylea Mon 30-Sep-13 13:46:58

What choco said smile

CeliaFate Mon 30-Sep-13 14:02:04

The OP's already done that "We have taken this lad away with us on short holidays and out to dinner and to the city with us and shopping etc etc the only thing we don't do is allow the girls friends home at night as their dad has to go to bed very early because of getting up early in the morning."

Fairylea Mon 30-Sep-13 14:08:15

But that was before it all got out of hand wasn't it?

I think as hard as it is the op needs to love bomb her dd and welcome the boyfriend in with open arms and show that despite everything that has happened they still love her and want her home and will support her. Teens are very good at persuading themselves that their parents hate them and there is no way back, you need to show her there is (and not make it conditional, respect her decision to have sex or stay over at her boyfriends as long as she is being safe about it).

There is nothing more likely to turn a teenager off a boyfriend than a mum who dotes on him. He will suddenly become extremely uncool.

friday16 Mon 30-Sep-13 14:35:45

There is nothing more likely to turn a teenager off a boyfriend than a mum who dotes on him.

So, for example, a very good way to create a problem is to refuse to have the boyfriend in the house at night (for whatever reason, although "my husband has to go to bed early" is a particularly bad one) and therefore ensure that their relationship is played out in other people's houses.

JustinBsMum Mon 30-Sep-13 14:38:13

I wonder if teenagers sometimes are anxious about adulthood and the 'rebelling' is really their deep seated fear and confusion about the future. (armchair psychologist here)
Falling for an unsuitable boy/girlfriend is therefore a sort of distraction from this.

The OP has been welcoming to the BF so I can't see that DD is rebelling due to OP being too controlling.

I felt visiting Uni open days was a good move with DCs this age - they got to see what the future might be and it wasn't too scary, in fact it looked good fun. If DD not going to uni maybe look at local places where she might want to work, speak to people who work in a career she could be interested in. Not in a pushy way, more treat them like an adult who might be interested in this.

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 16:25:18

Hello all again.

I did not phone the police with regards to the hand down her knickers situation, I had a casual chat with a female officer about it as it's a delicate situation. My daughter was the one who told me what he had done that is how I know about it.

The car & driving lessons are a bargaining tool of "if you study at school & do your homework"

The fact that we don't want the girls friends round covers all of their friends after a certain time at night and I'm sorry but that is not controlling it's just something that has always happened in our house because of early mornings etc the girls have had parties here or friends round to play on the wii and movie nights where we let them have the second lounge to themselves so they don't have to sit with us if they don't want to?

The alcohol part is a health part if you would care to read it again and is due to the fact she has been hospitalised for seizures before so it's high risk when drinking

FRIDAY16 you need to actually read the replies and understand I/we did NOT call the police. So stop making it sound like we called the police over homework etc.

We have tried talking to the lad, he has ignored messages that were sent to him. We even said about him doing some car work with my other half but he's uninterested we also invited him to come to the races with us and out for a meal but he still hasn't responded to us

Sorry I can't reply to everyone individually but hopefully this reply will answer all?

Thank you

classifiedinformation Mon 30-Sep-13 16:35:10

I am very surprised by the amount of people on here saying the OP is being too strict on her DD. No wonder teenage pregnancy and binge drinking are so prevalent in the UK!

My parents were pretty strict with me at 16 when I was at college and I didn't respond by rebelling or treating them like dirt, I had more respect for them and myself!

I am much more open minded than my DM was about sex, drinking, smoking etc, but I thoroughly believe that at 16, young adults still need boundaries. I would also be very concerned that my DD was wasting her teenage years chasing after some lad who was happily and openly dating (probably sleeping with) other girls. The pill is no use against STIs and I for one would be booking her in at the GUM clinic asap.

However, that said, all that can really be done at the moment is back off a bit and see how things go for a while, it sounds like the BF isn't in this for the long haul anyhow. Hopefully it will fizzle out on it's own.

I really feel for you OP and I hope things improve for your family.

MsWazowski Mon 30-Sep-13 16:51:47

Oh dear OP, you're having a bit of a rough time of it. It's so difficult to watch them do something that you know they will regret, but they need to learn from their own mistakes.

It sounds to me like you're doing all the right things, sometimes unconditional love is the only thing you can give when they won't listen. As classified said, hopefully this will fizzle out soon.

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 18:17:17

Just a quick update, I have asked our eldest daughter to get her bf to come round tonight so we can have a chat and move forward from all of this and all of a sudden she has kicked off in our face saying "WHY" when we have expressed that all we want to do is chat and build bridges. She's using every excuse not to allow the chat to happen so I have messages him myself and now awaiting a reply as I feel this is what's needed to make things more comfortable between her BF & our family?

Sparklysilversequins Mon 30-Sep-13 18:29:35

sad As hard as it is, I think that there is nothing you can do to build bridges right now. The other party have to want to as well and they just don't right now. I think that is pretty common amongst rebellious youngsters but it doesn't make it any less painful for you and your family. I also think you have to tread that fine line between still being there for her and not being taken for a mug because you may end up so desperate that you end up being taken advantage of to keep her close.

I am so sorry you are going through this. The boyfriend sounds dreadful.

gamerchick Mon 30-Sep-13 18:46:41

see the problem is at the minute.. she doesn't see it as clearing the air.. she sees it as again imposing your will on her.

Unless you were going to sit and listen with minimal opinion then I doubt you were going to get anywhere.

Let her calm down and come to you.

YOU feel as though this is needed.. they obviously don't. The long game will probably be your best bet.

Slipshodsibyl Mon 30-Sep-13 19:25:28

Yes - having a sit down chat is far too formal. Tell her you are sorry but you are learning how to parent a teenager who is becomig a young adult and will make mistakes. Say you think you might have overreacted due to your wish to protect her.

. Ask her what makes a good parent of teenagers and how she would like you to be ( forces her to think about what exactly a good parent does and allows her to request some changes and freedoms and take a more mature position)

Tell her you will welcome her boyfriend but do not greater to chat. To him - far too heavy while things are delicate. Small steps! I think you have to force yourselves to relax and be more chilled even if you do not feel it. These later teenage years can be very very tricky an I think many of us have to allow a bit more freedom than we are comfortable with and keep our fingers firmly crossed for a happy outcome.

Best wishes.

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 21:41:50

First step complete, although he hardly spoke he could see that we were being honest with him
And our daughter now thinks that we are completely fine with this whole relationship so fingers crossed the long game is well and truly started now

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 21:47:21

They're now sat on our drive chatting and feeling much more comfortable about the situation and this seems to have put us on the right track to get back to the way things were between us all before the last few weeks happened. This is the best outcome I could have hoped for. I have said to them both that we have no reason to be anything but open and honest with them and it would be lovely if they could do the same and we can all talk about things like grown ups rather then blowing everything out of proportion etc etc so fingers crossed this is the start of a happier healthier family smile

CeliaFate Mon 30-Sep-13 22:05:10

Good news, I'm glad. Keep talking and being open, don't look for ways to play games or she may leave for good.
It's bloody hard isn't it? I do admire you, you must have gone through hell.

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 22:22:54

It was hard at first cause they sat there giggling and pulling faces but I kept on going and after an hour and a half of chatting and letting them both know that we are ok with them being together I explained that my other half was tired and said they could sit outside on the bench till 10pm my daughter then came in and said thank you and is currently sat eating a slice of toast and drinking tea so in my books the world feels like a happier place already but it's baby steps and this is a journey smile

ZenNudist Mon 30-Sep-13 22:39:56

I'm glad you feel you are moving towards a solution. I think you need to stop focusing on the bf and ask your dd what she wants out of life and get her to envisage how she is going to get there.

The perception I have is that you've made her life very comfortable (albeit kudos for getting her to work pt). If she wants to bite the hand that feeds her then she will have to see that it's going to have consequences.

It sounds like you are very invested in her doing things 'your' way (yes I know you're right!). She stands on the cusp of making some really stupid decisions. Your job is to equip her with the tools to make these decisions herself and let her bear the consequences. No bailing her out.

I like you wouldn't facilitate a 16 year old to have sex in my house. But I would assume it would take place somewhere. It sounds like you've done what you can to make her aware of the problems of teen pregnancy and stds.

Sounds like the bf isn't going to be around forever. Counsel her not to rush in to living together and making babies. Paint a picture of the life she could be facing. Changing nappies when he's left her and her mates are having a great time partying at uni. Ask her what the rush is, some parts of adult life can wait!

Chat to her in a non- judgemental fashion. Sounds like you still have some relationship left. Stop making it about her bf or his nightmare family. Try to focus on her and how she is going to get where she wants to go

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 23:28:50

Hello smile trust me we have always been about where out daughters want to be in the future and tried to guide them in their decisions when they've needed help.
She has known from a very young age what she wants to be when she's "grown up" and we support her in this fully.

I do know what you mean by letting her take the consequence of her actions as I constantly bailed her out the last couple of years because I felt sorry for her but I'm toughening up now and fear that is maybe part of the problem Because I'm not doing what she wants me
To do :/ anyway things are on a much more positive ground tonight and am looking forward rather then in the past smile

chocoluvva Tue 01-Oct-13 08:12:06

Oh my. It can't have been easy to have a 'chat' with the pair of them sat giggling. It sounds like you've done well.

Hopefully their relationship won't last too much longer. Now there's no drama to add to their fun!

cory Tue 01-Oct-13 08:12:36

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 09:19:59
"We also encouraged her when she got to the age of 16 to carry a condom with her so that if it happened she would be prepared even though it was not our personal wish. What scares us is they have both descussed baby names :/ "

You don't think you might have been sending mixed messages here? Otoh you encourage her to carry a condom with her, otoh you go ballistic when you find out the other mum has allowed her to sleep in the same room. So what was the condom for? She may well be feeling a little confused here.

The way it looks to me is, you expect other adults to look after your little girl and make sure she is safe. But imho your dd needs to get the idea that it is her job to look after herself and make sure she is safe by making decisions that she thinks will keep her that way.

I have a 16yo with similar health problems (medication that doesn't mix with alcohol). She regularly goes to parties with plenty of alcohol. She knows that it is her responsibility to manage this situation and that, unless somebody actually pins her down and forces her mouth open, it won't be anybody else's fault if she drinks when she shouldn't. No way would I blame that on her hostess or expect her to keep track of dd's health record.

alreadytaken Tue 01-Oct-13 09:10:43

I don't see it that way at all cory. The OP wanted her daughter to avoid sex too early, as any sensible parent would, but was realistic in knowing it might happen. My teenager had no problem understanding that message. Another parent allowing, even pushing (there was no space eleswhere apparently) is not on. If I'd been the other parent I would have made space, even if it meant sharing my room with the girl. They could at least have made sure the teens had condoms.

Mumtomygirls Tue 01-Oct-13 10:18:19

Ok I'm not quite sure what happened but this morning another good break through! She has contacted one of her best friends for the first time in a month and although it may not be much it's a start, it's going in the right direction so am very pleased smile

@alreadytaken. You summed it up completely there, I didn't want them to rush into anything at such a early stage of their relationship and also the fact that she's still only 16 (neither a child nor an adult) but made sure that if indeed it did happen the responsibility was not left to just the boy to have contraception.

@cory yes I do believe that as an adult the parent should be supervising what happens in her house with regards to sex & drink. Especially when there were vulnerable 16 year olds there. Especially as I specifically asked her to not give/encourage my daughter to drink shots etc and to a 16 year old when given a drink by a "responsible" adult they almost see that as a green light :/

@choccoluvva it was hard, but iv been trying to give my eldest more responsibility with her own actions etc and apparently the lad has asked if he can come round again cause he likes our house cause we are upfront and not trying to control him :/ I'm now beginning to wonder what his situation is like at home?
Still as harsh as this may sound ATM he is not my concern, our daughter is and the well being of our family smile thank you again smile

CeliaFate Tue 01-Oct-13 10:21:09

What a great result - I think teenagers desperately want boundaries because while their minds and bodies are screaming to be grown up, the responsibility is too much for them to handle.
I would have hated to have parents who encouraged me to drink - I still did it, but knew that it was a rebellion and was careful not to rub their noses in it.
Reverse psychology is very powerful when done with subtlety.

chocoluvva Tue 01-Oct-13 11:24:23

Thank you for the update. It sounds very positive.

The comment the BF made about his mum being controlling is so interesting! Although my DD was also in the thrall of her BF and his family - who gave the appearance of having no respect for anyone else's wishes - she gradually realised that her BF's mum, despite being apparently relaxed and fun, not averse to swearing, unlike DH and me, enjoyed making many an entertaining bitch about anyone and everyone, told them that I was overprotective etc, was actually very controlling and ridiculously overprotective. She was much more controlling of her 17YO than I was of my 15YO!

Only a few months after the BF broke up with DD, DD was telling a friend about the time his mum phoned me, having told DD not to answer my texts or calls and aggressively demanded to know why I was telling my DD to come home by public transport. DD's exact words were, "She was horrible to my mum". It didn't take long for her to see/or be able to admit that she was better off without the BF and his family.

I really sympathise with you having to watch your DD make apparently poor choices at an important time in her life. It's horrible. So difficult. But hopefully your DD will rebuild her other friendships and take more interest in her studies again before too long. My DD bounced back astonishingly quickly. One teacher even commented that she seemed back to her usual cheery self one week after they broke up.

Remember to do something nice for yourself too Mumtomygirls. You deserve it.

Mumtomygirls Tue 01-Oct-13 12:09:37

Thank you, although I could tell that the bf didn't want to be seen as bitching about his own mum I found certain remarks quite funny but odd at the same time, for example this 18 yr old isn't allowed chocolate cereal in the house at all BUT he's allowed to buy himself bourbon every few months and smoke and have sex, I mean seriously chocolate cereal!? I also found out that when I made him a hospital appointment for a suspected stomach ulcer his own mum was angry with him cause he went to the appointment I had made him (through worry I made the appointment because he was coughing up blood :/ ) yet his own mum had asked him to make an appointment weeks previous with no avail :/ maybe this is where she needs to learn some discretion and take control a little of her sons health as he obviously needs a prod every now and again.

Oh well, we live and learn smile

I have just made myself a nice cup of tea & going to watch some thoroughly mind numbing television while I recover from the flu. I shall enjoy as much as I can the next 3 hours of peace and quiet smile thank you again

poppingin1 Tue 01-Oct-13 12:13:03

OP I am still wondering why your daughter is with this guy if he assaulted her. To me it is a really important question.

Glad to hear she is back home though. Just to clarify what I meant before, I do absolutely think teenagers need boundaries, but I think relationships between parents and their teenagers need to adapt to accommodate a growing sense of independence for the teenager.

The long game is definitely a good way to go.

Good luck!

Mumtomygirls Tue 01-Oct-13 15:47:39

I tried asking her this and she got all up in my face about it a couple of weeks ago so I'm keeping a very close eye on that one because I have wondered why too :/ I know he apologised to her for doing that before he asked her out but I still do not understand it all

JustinBsMum Tue 01-Oct-13 19:38:04

I wonder if she had come to the conclusion her BF was not all she hoped and that the set up at his house wasn't ideal but took her anger out on you, as you wouldn't walk away, rather than have to admit she had made bad decisions and lose face.

Just surmising.

poppingin1 Wed 02-Oct-13 01:05:53

Hmm....

Well I suppose there isn't much you can do then.

Do you think this might be a cry for attention though?

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 02-Oct-13 01:20:26

OP, when did DD leave and how long has she been back?

Mumtomygirls Wed 02-Oct-13 03:06:19

All still seems well, we are trying to find out how to deal with the fact that daughter doesn't seem to understand things have consequences.
We had a couple of little outbursts from her this afternoon but nothing abnormal to "normal" teenage attitude.

This whole running to bf family has been going on a moth and she's been back home a week.

I don't want to sound harsh but our eldest daughter has always been a little "dramatic" and wanted things her own way since she got to about the age of 14.

Im not giving into her so much anymore which is very weird for me :/ tonight for example, my youngest went to bed, then hubby went to bed and I sat there thinking ok I'm tired and it's still not our eldest's bedtime yet what should I do? Then I just got up and said "bedtime" turned the tv off and casually walked upstairs & ok I woke up half an hour ago as not feeling well but I have never put myself first before like that and it made me feel a little guilty if I'm honest :/ but that's obviously something I have to learn to deal with.

Anyway apart from the 10 minutes of attitude earlier all is still 100 X's better then it has been in a long while.

Mumtomygirls Wed 02-Oct-13 03:07:01

Month*

chocoluvva Wed 02-Oct-13 07:45:47

Good morning Mumtomygirls. I hope you got back to sleep quickly.

IME 16YO girls are often drama queens. It's a maturity thing. The smallest slight by a teacher/parent/acquaintance is blown up out of all proportion and enjoyed. grin The need to feel they're able to make choices for themselves and the teenage-brain with its difficulty in seeing other people's point of view predispose them to making poor choices sometimes. The difficulty IME is their increased need for your support and patience, at the time you most feel like wringing their neck in frustration with them.

All that and the bad luck of meeting a family who are irresponsible. FWIW, I know of a few families who have had the same thing with their 15-16YO DD's. One of the girls is now at Cambridge uni. She's a lovely girl from a lovely family. Hold your nerve. She'll come through this.

Mumtomygirls Wed 02-Oct-13 09:23:36

I spoke too soon, the attitude this morning was at a ridiculous level again sad

This was all over hair straighteners. little bit of back history:- she was bought approx 3 or 4 pairs of hair straighteners but kept using mine, I asked her not to but she ignored etc, she was plugging them in the socket outside the upstairs bathroom door WIRE GOING ACROSS THE TOP OF THE STAIRS and then leaving them on the table in the bathroom wire still going across the hall at top of the stairs (Very dangerous in my opinion) anyway a couple of days ago she did this again (once again against me saying no she couldn't use my straighteners to use her own) after both girls had been taken to school I went upstairs and tripped over said wire so I unplugged them and "reclaimed" my straighteners.

Anyway back to this morning, knowing full well I'm run down with a flu bug she decides to wake me up demanding my straighteners, my head was pounding, I told her this but she continued to demand I give her my straighteners NOW! I asked her to stop shouting and with that she turned my light on and started to turf things upside down in my room, she was looking through my bedside cabinet & then started pushing the pile of clothing at the bottom of the bed everywhere and telling me I'm out of order, why she bothers with us all she does not know? Then telling me to give her MY straighteners because I'm being pathetic! I said stop being so rude, can you please leave my bedroom & turn my light off as I don't feel well. She then decides to say it's my fault that her hair now looks like shit even though she's wearing a pretty skirt today what's the use cause I have made her hair look like crap -.- then she goes and turns on ALL the lights upstairs (knowing full well I'm feeling unwell and the lights hurt eyes when have a headache) and storm off downstairs. Then when their father tells her to hurry up as they're going to be late for school she replies " I'm busy now wait " to my surprise she makes him and our other daughter wait another 8 minutes before going out the door shouting CYA to me slams the front door & then I hear her have a go at her little sister on the driveway sad
Feel like my ears & head are going to implode....

I know full well she is expecting to go out tonight and tbh half of me wants her to go out so I can have a peaceful evening but half of me thinks she doesn't deserve tone allowed out tonight?

Mumtomygirls Wed 02-Oct-13 09:27:01

To be* (not tone)

CeliaFate Wed 02-Oct-13 09:33:55

Where was she supposed to be going? I wouldn't let my dd go out if she spoke to me like that, but there are certain trigger points in your story that I'd avoid.

I would allow her to use my straighteners - hell, I'd buy her an identical pair just to keep the peace. Remember you're not dealing with a reasonable adult, your dd has got emotional issues which you need to think of as the bigger picture.

Plugging them in across the stairs is obviously a no go, so get her a pair, an extension lead and let her keep them in her room (when she's calm and you've spoken to her).

Your dh has to step up here - if you're ill in bed she should have gone to him.

I can remember being a bit like this as a teenager so I suppose I can see it from her point of view a little bit. A huge argument escalating from a pair of hair straighteners is ridiculous. I think this may help to prevent trouble occurring - pick your battles. This one she could have won.

I hope I don't sound unsympathetic because I am on your side.

Mumtomygirls Wed 02-Oct-13 09:52:08

That's the daft thing she has a pair identical to mine as well as a much more expensive pair made by GHD but her bedroom is such a mess that she can't find them >.<

When she demands iv tried not to give into her because she gets very forceful (not just with me but with her little sister and our pets too)

The girls never go to anyone else but me :/ they will walk past their father to ask me to give them a lift somewhere or if they can have such and such.

Hubby just told me that she was kicking off in the car moaning that she was going to be late for school because her little sister needed dropping off at a specific part of school because she had to get changed ready for PE and had about 5 minutes to do so (this was because her older sister, the one who's complaining had made them so late)

She does not seem to be able to see when something is her fault sad

Mumtomygirls Wed 02-Oct-13 10:05:27

Sorry if I'm not making much sense I'm dosed up now on cold and flu tablets (yes the hard stuff lol)

She is meant to being going out with her boyfriend tonight :/

chocoluvva Wed 02-Oct-13 11:13:13

Poor you - a doubly rubbish start to the day.

This is what I'd do now: let her see her BF tonight. But tell her she won't get a lift to school tomorrow if she's rude again. Remind her that her DS will not be made late because of her actions. Suggest - but don't tell her - that she finds the straighteners tonight before she goes to bed so they're ready in the morning. Be polite to her but not friendly when she comes back from school. If she comments or asks for any 'favours' briefly and matter of factly tell her she'll have to do it/get it whatever herself as you don't feel like being kind to her today after she was rude and inconsiderate this morning. These are the natural consequences of being horrible to your mum. And you're treating her like an adult. Punishing her will set things back. Some of your work getting her to understand that you're fine with her choice of BF etc will be undone if you 'use' her BF IYSWIM. You're giving her the choice of behaving properly in the morning rather than trying to force her to or get 'revenge' as she might see it. If she makes a poor choice - ie repeats this morning - the consequence is that you and your family will be so fed up of her that she doesn't get a lift as she's going to make everyone late and no-one wants to be in a car with her. She'll still prefer to have your approval in general. You can demonstrate your disapproval of her behaviour without her feeling that you're trying to control her.

youaretooyoung97 Wed 02-Oct-13 15:44:38

Could you not talk to one of her friends, or one of her friends parents to try and get some time for you and your daughter to chat?

ancientandmodern Wed 02-Oct-13 17:50:16

OP - re your DD's latest outburst, I have lost count of the arguments/incidents involving hair straighteners in this house (have 2 DDs and umpteen straighteners), not to mention the 'borrowing' issues (I now keep my v expensive Tweezerman tweezers hidden in an ornamental jar...)
Anyway, what I wanted to say was I wouldn't, myself, do much more than remind your DD that electrical leads stretched over stairs are dangerous..I'd let the rest go, to be honest. You've got back on a more even path with her now and you need to pick your fights rather than pull her up for every misdemeanour (not to say she isn't being infuriating).
Best of luck

hellymelly Wed 02-Oct-13 18:07:25

Blimey, times have changed. When I was 16 some of my year were having sex but most were not. And if any of our parents had known they would have hit the roof and grounded said dd for the rest of her A level years. (This did actually happen to one girl ). This wasn't considered "controlling" by any parents or by us. I am an old gimmer (clearly) but I really hope my dds wait until they leave school before having sex. My DH is eight years younger than me but his school friends mostly lost their virginity at University rather than at school.
OP I feel really sorry for you. The other family sound as though they have totally different values. They may feel they are caring for your daughter, but caring would be encouraging her to be respectful to her family. I don't doubt your DD thinks it is lovely there with so few rules. No way would I allow a young teenager to sleep with a partner in my house if his/her parents had expressly said no. I have no helpful advice, but I would be equally upset in your position.

JustinBsMum Thu 03-Oct-13 15:15:57

* but I have never put myself first before like that and it made me feel a little guilty if I'm honest but that's obviously something I have to learn to deal with*

Gosh, this makes you sound a bit of a wooss to me. Saying this just because you wanted her to go to bed at a not unreasonable time, no doubt she has phone or pc she can use in bedroom. Mind you at 16 my DCs would have stayed up after me watching tv, as I was an early to bed person.

I read all the 'kids need boundaries' stuff and if it didn't seem unreasonable and suited me to set some boundaries then I did! Our house was nicknamed Stalag 13 by DD's classmates because I made them do some housework! Though this always fell by the way if they had jobs or exams, but I just felt pleased as their friends did b all around the house which seemed bad for them and for their respect for their mothers, so caused no guilt for me.

I would def let her be late for school a couple of times by DH leaving without her. She will then claim - great, I'm not going but imo in the long run she will not hold everyone up again - but you should have done this a few years ago (sorry not much help).

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