My 13 year old 'borrowed 2 of my 'toys'

(60 Posts)
MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 11:09:04

Last night, after my 13 year had gone upstairs to bed, I realised that 2 of my adult toys were missing from the drawer in my bedside table. She replaced them this morning before school and I said to her as she left for the bus that we needed to have a chat after school. At first she acted innocent and said why? I said she knew why and she said a guilty oh!!!

I really don't know how to deal with this. She's only just 13 and I think too young for any of this

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Any suggestions for how I deal with her tonight? Angry? Disappointed? Upset? Do I punish her for taking something from my room (without asking?!!!)

Any help today would be great. Thanks

sashh Thu 18-Jul-13 11:16:12

Does she know what they are for? Maybe she needs one of her own.

She is probably just curious and maybe you need to discuss it with her. At 13 her hormones will be pushing her to experiment.

Cerisier Thu 18-Jul-13 11:22:03

I think you need to find out why she was rummaging in your drawers and why she removed your things. I would be concerned that photos of them have ended up on FB. Look what I found in mum's room. This seems more likely than experimenting with them.

My teen DDs wouldn't dream of going through my things. This all strikes me as a bit odd.

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 11:24:26

She does know what they're for. A couple of years ago she and her sister (who's now 10) found them and videoed themselves playing with them - not in a perverted way, but using them as microphones!!!! I had a severe talk to both of them then about privacy and that I wasn't going to hide them because I didn't expect either of them to be intruding my space!!

We're quite an open family and if she asks me a question, I will reply as honestly as I can. She's asked me about them in the past. She thought that I was odd for having them. I explained that it's quite normal and many of my friends have them. I told her about Ann Summers parties where women openly discuss having them and buy them. I didn't want her to think it wasn't OK in the future. I just didn't expect this now...,

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 11:26:58

Cerisier, it is odd to me too. At her age, I wouldn't have dreamed of going into my M&D's room and rumaging. She does go to my room for tweezers or to borrow hair stuff, but even this is not acceptable.

I think that whilst she's a lovely girl, she does sometimes think she can rule the roost until I point out who the adults are in the house.

Olbasoil Thu 18-Jul-13 12:35:38

I would focus on the fact that she is going into your room , going through your things and taking stuff. It doesn't matter if its sex toys or toiletries, these are your personal things.

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 12:44:45

tbh that's what I thought too

Olbasoil Thu 18-Jul-13 12:55:28

How do you react when you have caught her going through your things before. I would be angry with her and I would tell her regardless of what she sees/ takes it unacceptable and her punishment is........
You should be allowed personal space

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 13:09:21

I've reacted by getting very cross with her and banned her from our room. When she's told off she always says the right things but then doesn't keep up with it. There are only so many times we can confiscate her laptop, mobile phone etc though before they become ineffective

Despite her being told not to invade your privacy, I would have those items under lock and key.
I'm shocked at the suggestion of getting her, her own, seriously? At 13? Wtf?

Cerisier Thu 18-Jul-13 13:15:30

You are the parent, there are loads of things you can do to make sure she sees she is behaving poorly.

We find a long talk with DH and I where they are asked to explain their behaviour and then told how it appears to the outside world and how we don't want them to grow into spoilt entitled arrogant girls works quite well. Better than confiscating things or grounding.

OctopusPete8 Thu 18-Jul-13 13:17:33

I used to rummage in my mums things looking for make up to borrow etc, when I came across a 'toy' I slammed the draw shut and went looking for some eye bleach [sic]

Presume we are talking vibrators? Why shouldn't she want one of her own? Masturbation is totally normal, and ime, at a much younger age than 13.

I have a 13 yo dd. I don't own any sex toys, but I often find my ladyshave in her room. In the past, I have said she can borrow it, so I don't really mind, though reading this thread, it has made me realise I have pretty scant regard for my own personal space. Anyway, what I meant to write is: have a go at her for taking your things without asking, but don't have a go at her for being interested in sex toys. You use them, no reason why she shouldn't.

I'm not saying she shouldn't masturbate, or that it's wrong.
But I think a sex toy at 13 is waaay too young

LollyLaDrumstick Thu 18-Jul-13 13:27:57

I don't really understand the outrage at the prospect of a teen girl using a sex toy (her mum's, however, ew.)

You surely wouldn't bat an eyelid about finding a mountain of crusty tissues behind the headboard of your 13 year old son's bed, would you?

But I'd talk to her about personal space and how this isn't bloody acceptable. She'll know what it is an it's not like taking your deodorant out of your room.

Though the experimental person in me would buy her a bullet (not a scary whirly pink cock type thing), so she can explore her body, succumb to all the mental hormones buzzing around and know what feels good. That's a better situation than her exploring her sexuality with a grubby boy in the year above with dirty fingernails at a party.

Feelslikea1sttimer Thu 18-Jul-13 13:31:59

I am not sure if all the schools teach the same things and at the same time of year, but my 13 year old boy came home from school after a sex education lesson and filled me in on the details blush and apparently they had vibrators in the class and were being taught about them (I was horrified that 13 year olds were being told about sex toys) so maybe if they are doing the same it could be a curiosity thing...

I have a very relaxed attitude about personal space and my boys are always in and out borrowing hair dryers, stealing socks etc so I'm not sure I would be too hard on her as its nice to know they can come in and chat if they need to.

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 13:35:34

I also think a toy at 13 is too young. However someone has said to me that maybe if she is exploring, it would be better than using something else like a hairbrush.....

I think I'm going to go down the privacy road only touching on the sex toy issue. My method of telling my girls off tends to be more on a discussion level with me showing them that their actions are unacceptable. They have a father (my ex) who does all the shouting so they don't need this from me too.

As I said earlier, I don't want her to feel embarassed about her body or her sexual needs but not by taking things that don't belong to her

Olbasoil Thu 18-Jul-13 13:40:55

I don't think anything should be locked away. Mothers are allowed to have their own privacy, their own things without worrying about someone finding a toy or whether a dd has used the last of their deodorant . It's just plain good manners is it, you just don't rummage through other people's drawers.
If grounding/ confiscating things doesn't work then consider a lock on the door. Which maybe a little drastic and go against everything your family believes in but it shows her she cannot be trusted.

Olbasoil Thu 18-Jul-13 13:42:23

I think I've contradicted myself there.... Sorry blush

'PattieOfurniture:I'm not saying she shouldn't masturbate, or that it's wrong. But I think a sex toy at 13 is waaay too young.'

In that case, I think we are in agreement. smile But then, I have never personally had the need for any sort of sex toy. I was only thinking, if the OP's dd wanted to masturbate and felt a sex toy was the way she wanted to do it, then she is as justified in thinking that as her mother is about her own needs.

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 13:47:22

I'm so glad you said that Olbasoil. I was beginning to think myself a bad mother because I'd 'allowed' her to have access to them by not locking them away especially after she discovered them the first time. I really believed that she would respect my privacy this time and not do it again.

I have thought about a lock on my door (we have one on the inside after she walked in on my DH and I in a compromising position (wow it all happens at my house!!!), but I really don't want to go down that road. It just wouldn't be my family home if we locked doors...

This is not a gender issue.
If I found my teenage son's used tissues in the room, not a problem. If I also found my porn stash (that I don't have btw, just hypothetical) I would not get him his ownto use for masturbation purposes.

Olbasoil Thu 18-Jul-13 13:52:28

I can understand that , I would hate to have to lock doors as well . I do hope you can get through to her though. I bet she would hate it if you rifled through her drawers! Actually maybe that's the answer , go through everything and comment loudly !
Good luck.

I wouldn't get my son his own porn stash either. But I wouldn't object to him acquiring a stash of his own.

I realise the porn you spoke of was hypothetical, but if, hypothetically, you had a porn stash, and your son is a sexually active individual, why should he not have his own porn?

Same with the sex toys. If a 13 yo girl is masturbating (and I'm not saying she is, but she could well be) then why shouldn't she have toys in the same way that her mother does? Unless the toys are not about masturbation but about sex between 2 people? Sorry, I am a bit innocent and do not know what sex toys are out there.

At 15 or 16, I'd be ok, with either.

But not at 13

Palika Thu 18-Jul-13 14:16:14

Have his own porn? All that women hating and objectifying crap? I am sorry, but I hope you are joking.
What has he got his fantasy for?

dexter73 Thu 18-Jul-13 14:41:33

I thought you had to be 18 to buy sex toys so she can't legally buy one (if I'm right!!).

DocMarten Thu 18-Jul-13 14:46:15

I wouldn't keep things like that in a bedside drawer if i didn't want them to be found. And used.

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 14:50:40

But surely you have to able to trust your children to a certain extent?

DocMarten Thu 18-Jul-13 14:54:35

Yes, you can trust them, but if you had stuff you didn't want them interferring with you would put it away. Like anything else really.

Potterer Thu 18-Jul-13 15:08:04

The bottom line is if she wants to borrow something she should ask first. My eldest is 10 (boy) and he uses my hair products. They are in my wardrobe as the door has a mirror on the inside. He asks can he have them, I say yes. But he asks first.

Re the sex toys, I think that some might believe that sex toy = penis style vibrator ie a dildo, but there are loads of different vibrators and not everyone puts a vibrator inside themselves.

I was raised in a very strict catholic household so no one talked about sex or masturbation. My 10 year old who is in year 5 just watched a dvd at school about puberty and that covers masturbation (the parents were invited to watch the dvd first)

Olbasoil Thu 18-Jul-13 15:19:45

My Peanut ..... Have you actually said to your daughter . Please do not go into my bedroom and rummage around & take my things ( or words to that effect!)
Because if you have then she has no business being there. You are not a bad mother for not locking things away, she is 13 . It is natural to be curious and experiment with sex, we all do it don't we , how many Friday night links / posts have we all clicked ! However this doesn't excuse the fact she was prying in someone else stuff

ChippingInHopHopHop Thu 18-Jul-13 15:35:14

You shouldn't have to hide things or lock them away. Your bedroom is your private space & if you don't want your children in there, rummaging around, playing, borrowing things without asking then they should respect that (but I'd expect them to have a careful nosey rummage at some point)

What baffles me isn't that she went rummaging (I think most of us would have been guility of that at her age!!) but the fact that she didn't find it 'ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww' to borrow your sex toys. That seems really, really weird to me.

I wouldn't buy a sex toy for a 13 year old though - it just doesn't sit right with me. If she's experimenting then it's surely better that she gets to know her own body without battery operated devices.

Back2Two Thu 18-Jul-13 15:44:07

I's about privacy and trust and honesty FIRST.

As for a 13 year old using vibrators ....I don't have teens but I think that a girl should learn about herself "naturally" first and have time to explore sex/masturbation without props. IMO using vibrators is a bit akin to using porn.... It makes the act abit more mechanical and speeds it up too. She may become a bit reliant on that kind of stimulation?

Just an opinion though.

5madthings Thu 18-Jul-13 15:45:06

I think the talk needs to focus on privacy and respect for other peoples belongings.

Re tge sex toys could well be just normal curiosity, she may have just wanted a look and not to use them. But i think it may be worth saying if she wants one to get a basic bullet type vibrator and point out tgat sharing sex toys is not a hygeinic thing to do.

If she is masturbating then using her hands or a vibrator makes no difference imo, its experimentation and normal and healthy. You cannot compare vibrators to porn, one degrades woman, the other doesnt. But it may be worth having a frank discussion with her on these issues. Its better to be open so she knows she can come tp you with any questions.

5madthings Thu 18-Jul-13 15:49:06

backto makes a good point about reliance on vibrators. She needs to explore herself and get to know her own anatomy etc. It would be worth mentioning this to her, reassure her its normal and natural etc. And you could explainthat lwgally she isnt old enough for a sex toy and explaon the downsides re becoming reluant om them. i realy think openness is the best policy here. But i dont think there is anything intrinsically wrong with a teen experimenting in this way or wanting a sex toy of the basic bullet variety.

Marzipanface Thu 18-Jul-13 16:33:25

I would focus on going in your room and taking stuff, not on what she took. You don't want her to be embarrassed.

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 16:35:06

Oh and my day just gets better and better. I have started the dreaded conversation with my DD and she's now said that it was a dare from a friend of hers. I have told her I don't believe a word of it, but she swears blind she's telling the truth.

I'm now in another room pretending to contact this friend's Mum about inappropriate conversations her DD is having with mine. Obviously I'm not actually doing anything of the sort, I'm just trying to call her bluff hoping that she'll admit it was a lie!!!!

Help!!!!

If she isn't backing down, then surely it is entirely possible that it was a dare. But was she being dared to take them or use them?
She does have to understand about not taking things without asking first (not that I think she should be asking to borrow your vibe!)
I did used to use my mothers vibrator from around 13, not sonething that I am proud of but if I had've felt able to ask for my own then I would have asked and with my own, felt no need to borrow my mothers.
I also used to raid my dads porn collection.

HotCrossPun Thu 18-Jul-13 16:48:29

You are behaving being quite childish OP.

Why are you hiding in another room having an imaginary conversation? Sit down and talk to your daughter.

It's far more likely that as a 13 year old that she was taking it as a dare from a friend, as opposed to bothering her mothers sex toy for a night of masturbation.

Grow up.

Marzipanface Thu 18-Jul-13 17:13:53

She's prob really embarrased. Just tell not to touch your stuff and leave it at that.

What on earth???!!?? Having fake conversations to trick your dd?

Sit her down, tell her that your toys are private and not to come into your room without asking again. Tell her if she wants to experiment you will buy her a vibrator of her own but she shouldn't touch or use yours as there are health implications to sharing.

I can virtually guarantee she will say no but stop behaving in such a childish way, this is the time for an adult chat.

I think you should go quite gently, otherwise it could come across as being cross with her about her sexuality/ experimentation

Just say, if that's how you feel, that you'd rather she didn't go through your things without asking.

LazyMonkeyButler Thu 18-Jul-13 17:37:56

What was the dare exactly? It's quite possible at 13, but are you sure the "dare" didn't include photographic evidence of some sort? It would be a bit of a pointless thing to just dare a friend to borrow a dildo - how would the friend know whether your DD had gone through with taking it or not?

Or your DD could be telling fibs of course.

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 17:52:44

Just to update! After waiting 10 mins or so, I returned to her. Having thought I had contacted her friend's Mum, she immediately burst into tears and admitted taking them and that she'd lied about the dare because she was embarassed

She doesn't know why she took them and didn't use them. We then had a long conversation about taking things from my room. How I'm disappointed with her and expected better than this. We also discussed masturbation and that it is natural although I could see from her reaction that she felt uncomfortable talking about it.

She knows what she did was wrong and has apologised. I think it'll be a while before she does it again and definitely won't be taking any of my toys.

I trust her and won't be putting a lock on my door or drawer.

As for being childish, this is probably one of the most grown up conversations I've had with my DD and it only came about because I had to fool her into thinking I was calling a friend. I hardly think this is childish, just tactics!!

Glad the talk has gone so well Peanut smile

HotCrossPun Thu 18-Jul-13 18:34:48

You interrogated her until she was embarrassed and burst into tears.

If your issue was not her masturbating but her taking your things - she'd already admitted that. Why then use 'tactics' to get her to confess about something she was clearly embarrassed by?

Well, in my opinion it could have gone worse !

SoupDragon Thu 18-Jul-13 19:01:22

You interrogated her until she was embarrassed and burst into tears.

No she didn't confused there seems to have been a conversation in which the DD lied, 10 minutes whilst the OP caught her out in the lie, a confession and then a discussion. No interrogation.

HotCrossPun Thu 18-Jul-13 19:15:56

She had a conversation with her where her daughter admitted to taking the toys - which is what the OP said was what she was annoyed about.

She didn't believe her so she went away and made the girl think that she was phoning her friends mum. Can you think of anything more embarrassing as a 13 year old than your friends talking about you taking a sex toy?

I just think it's a bit cruel.

Yes, I think I'd recommend admitting that I didn't phone friend, but I just wanted to talk it over (and find out the truth)

DocMarten Thu 18-Jul-13 20:40:50

I expect the dd and friend were all sneaking into their parents bedrooms and taking pics of their(parents) toys and sending them to eachother for laughs. Bet that is more like it.

Er... really.

SoupDragon Thu 18-Jul-13 20:47:05

She had a conversation where the DD lied.

There was, it appears, no "interrogation", that's just inflating things.

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 20:50:20

I didn't interrogate her. All day I tried to imagine the conversation we were going to have. Never once did I think that she would try to lie her way out of it!

I had thought about how I would handle what to me seemed like 2 different issues. Firstly she had been into my room and taken something that didn't belong to her and secondly what she had actually taken. Both things needed dealing with in a different way. I was cross that she'd taken something for which I intended to punish her and I wanted to discuss what she'd actually taken and why, in a calm and understanding manner.

She then changed the situation by lying to me and I didn't know quite how to handle this as I had at all expected it. All I could do was add this to the situation I found myself in and deal with it. I do not tolerate my children lying, especially when it wasn't necessary. I am an approachable Mum who I know both my DDs can turn to for advice and support so to discuss sex, puberty, etc is not an issue in our house. I am open and honest with them.

I didn't deliberate put her in an embarassing situation and it wasn't me who involved her friends in this, she did. I had no intention of contacting the Mum but I wanted her to realise that if she did something wrong she had to take responsibility for it. It worked and she owned up. We had a very emotional conversation and we are now friends instead of me being cross at her for lying and being unable to discuss what happened because of the unsolved lie

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 20:51:24

Docmartin - why do you think that a 13 yo would do this kind of thing? Certainly not mine!!!!

DocMarten Thu 18-Jul-13 21:24:29

Because they all talk about that sort of thing at school. I remember going to a friends house and we were laughing our heads off at something similar in her mums bedroom. Obv there were no mobie phones back in the day, but I remember very well the convo at school after and what other mums and dads had hidden up.

You may not like that idea but I reckon she prob found it before and discussions have been had. she was dared to take a pic and send it or somesuch.

Not nice to hear, but think that is nearer the truth, which she would never tell you anyway. she did say it was a dare.....

ubik Thu 18-Jul-13 21:48:13

Christ

Yep I think locks on drawers/doors are the way to go. I remember going through my mums things and later taking makeup, tops, cardigans.

You need to lay some ground rules now. She knows what she took is a very intimate item and obviously is testing you in some way.

As for buying your 13-year-

OhMerGerd Thu 18-Jul-13 22:37:08

13 year olds are curious- normal
Hormones, horniness and experiments - normal
They 'borrow' their mums stuff without asking - normal
Their mothers keep their sex toys in accessible places and expect a curious hormonal horny experimenting borrower not to be curious or borrow to experiment - not normal.

MrsMongoose Fri 19-Jul-13 00:48:18

I bought my first vibrator at 13. She knows exactly what they are, and will have been using them. Sorry op. This is an issue of her respecting your privacy. Please don't make her feel guilty for masturbating.

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