Mixed gender sleepovers, ok and a big NO?????

(77 Posts)
MaryRose Thu 04-Jul-13 13:20:01

So here's the dilemma, DD12 (nearly 13) wants to go to the movies then sleepover at best friend's for birthday next week....so far so good...but then I find out that amongst others a couple of boys will be going to the movie and sleeping over too. Now don't get me wrong, I do trust DD 100%, she's a top student who's won academic awards this year,applies herself at school and swims and does other sports to a high level, apart from the usual teenage hassles I have no bother with her BUT it just doesn't feel quite right to allow this, what do others think? And if I say no how can I do it without all hell breaking loose???!! ;-)

bigTillyMint Thu 04-Jul-13 13:24:54

It would be a definite no from me.

DD is a top student, but her ex-bf wanted to take things further than she did - I dread to think what might have happened on a mixed sleepover.

MaryRose Thu 04-Jul-13 13:42:38

This is the thing that worries me bigTillyMint, I know my DD is sensible, but it's the other kids you can't be sure about. But then my friend, who I regard as pretty sensible, says she has no problem with it, that our girls are nice well brought up girls and we should trust them, don't know what to do for the best confused

bigTillyMint Thu 04-Jul-13 15:38:37

Yes, my DD is a nice well brought up girl too. And her bf seemed to be very polite, etc. But he was a raging bed of testosterone too!
Doing more than most parents would want them to do at that age seems to be quite common amongst some of DD's year-group, and they come from what you would describe as nice MC families - it can happen with any children.

Of course, these boys may be entirely sweet and innocent and nothing like that remotely likely to happen.

Why do they want a mixed sleepover? Couldn't they have a mixed party and then the boys go home and just the girls sleep over?

orangeandemons Thu 04-Jul-13 15:41:20

Who does actually host these?

My ds always wanted these and I'd never let him. Do normal parents think it ok?

Jimalfie Thu 04-Jul-13 15:45:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wishihadabs Thu 04-Jul-13 15:49:56

I've still to encounter this as a parent, but from my teenage years not much really goes on at these things. A bit of snogging and groping then sleeping in each other's arms from memory, think I was more like 15 tho.

50shadesofvomit Thu 04-Jul-13 15:57:55

My ds is 12 and if he asked to host one Id tell him that the girls can stay until late- 9pm or 10pm but that the sleepover would be boys only. I would not want to have to supervise a mixed sleepover and have to explain myself to other parents if something happened.

Round here boys and girls are friends but there has been no mixed sleepovers yet. Phew!!

MaryRose Thu 04-Jul-13 17:16:24

It seems to be quite a common thing to have these now. I wouldn't want to host one and I'm edging towards a 'no' to my DD (cue fireworks!) it's not that I think anything would go on it's just the idea does make me feel uncomfortable...

TeamEdward Thu 04-Jul-13 17:21:38

No advice, (DS are much younger) but kudos on the stealth boast in your OP!
grin

Reiltin Thu 04-Jul-13 17:28:47

You're assuming that there's nothing going on between any of the kids of the same gender . . .

NewFairy Thu 04-Jul-13 17:32:21

Could you compromise and let dd go to the cinema, then back to friends house, but invent a reason why she needs to be up early the next morning so say she cant stay for the sleepover.

With DDs friends, its quite common for one or other to have to leave at 10.30 or 11pm as they have family plans the next day.

NewFairy Thu 04-Jul-13 17:33:05

Thats just for girl sleepovers btw grin

flow4 Thu 04-Jul-13 17:44:01

As the mother of two teenage boys, I am about 99.99% sure that at 13, girls are more advanced than boys, and are far, far more likely to be thinking about snogging etc.!

flow4 Thu 04-Jul-13 17:49:02

My 13 yo DS2 has had several sleepovers with female friends btw... The last one was slightly odd, because a female friend invited him and his 'girlfriend' to sleep over, but GF's parents said 'no' - having previously said 'yes' when they were just friends and not 'going out'... So DS2 ended up sleeping over with female friend, while GF went home! confused

OneLieIn Thu 04-Jul-13 17:49:05

How did you find out?? Was she honest and open upfront?

scherazadey Thu 04-Jul-13 17:53:24

Agree with flow, most 13 year old boys are more interested in xbox than snogging! Can't believe people actually think a 12-13 year olds mixed sleepover is going to end in an orgy! A lot of over thinking going on here...

NoRainNoRainbow Thu 04-Jul-13 17:53:53

Between 12 and 16 I went to loads of these, at least once a month. There was no rampant shagging. We only scared ourselves stupid with horror films.

If she was honest and upfront with you, and if you know/spoke to the parents i'd let her.

NoRainNoRainbow Thu 04-Jul-13 17:55:50

But as pp said, I do remember a bit of girl on girl experimentation going on around 14/15. grin

felicity1971 Thu 04-Jul-13 18:22:34

Just had a chat with DD12 and DS almost 14 about this. Both attend mixed sleepovers and were incredulous that parents would think anything 'sexy' might be going on. Why would anyone want to do anything like that with other people there said DD and DS said that none of his friends that are girls would be the slightest bit interested in boys in their own year as bf material preferring boys in the year above!

Sparklingbrook Thu 04-Jul-13 18:25:55

DS1 (14) said much the same felicity.

MaryRose Thu 04-Jul-13 18:38:17

Thanks for comments. I don't for one second think there will be an 'orgy' or anything as daft as that! But one of the boys is DD'S boyfriend. She wasn't honest at first, I overheard a conversation but to her credit I just asked her straight out who was going and she told me straight away. So I have said no to sleeping over and no fireworks just lots of crying which is almost worse. I feel horrible but I am sure I have done the right thing. The mum of the best friend I don't know all that well and dd has said previously she finds her bf's mum a bit irresponsible. It's really hard but I think I have been right to go with my gut instinct on this.

ShinigamiLord Thu 04-Jul-13 18:54:11

Well, in my opinion, I think you should let her go. I think it's a little ridiculous that so many parents are worried about their young teens going on mixed sleepovers, and having sex or behaving like that. Look at it from her perspective: she's going to be with a few close guy and girl friends, the last thing she would want to do is kiss/make out/have sex in front or with her friends around. You said you trusted her, and she told you straight away that her boyfriend was coming around, which means she thinks you trust her enough to know that nothing ''weird'' will be going on. She seems like a very sensible child, who cares a lot about her education, quite the opposite from a teen who would do something '''weird'' at a mixed sleepover. Trust her, and your decision, and let her go wink

Jimalfie Thu 04-Jul-13 19:06:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryRose Thu 04-Jul-13 19:25:16

I've never met the boyfriend, he lives across town, she hasn't been going out with him very long, and the last time dd slept there the mum went out drinking and left the girls in the house alone and didn't come back until 11am. Does that change anyone's mind?

MaryRose Thu 04-Jul-13 19:26:08

I've never met the boyfriend, he lives across town, she hasn't been going out with him very long, and the last time dd slept there the mum went out drinking and left the girls in the house alone and didn't come back until 11am. Does that change anyone's mind?

Jimalfie Thu 04-Jul-13 19:29:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryRose Thu 04-Jul-13 19:30:44

And the sad fact of it is 12 and 13 year old girls DO get pregnant, so whilst I'm not saying Dr would do anything like that it obviously does go on!

MaryRose Thu 04-Jul-13 19:32:31

Jimalfie yes certainly but the boy thing just adds to it. The bf's auntie is going to be there and she is more sensible so if it is all girls I probably would let her

scherazadey Thu 04-Jul-13 19:36:24

I certainly wouldn't be allowing my 12 yr old to sleepover any place where the mother may stay out drinking all night but there must be another entirely different thread about that!

flow4 Thu 04-Jul-13 19:51:27

But MaryR, then it has nothing to do with boys, surely? It seems more to do with lack of supervision and the kids actually not being very safe...

Travelledtheworld Thu 04-Jul-13 22:18:12

I think you have answered your own question now. Think of an excuse for her o come on to sleep...and heaps you should meet the boyfriend very soon ?

Travelledtheworld Thu 04-Jul-13 22:18:43

Sorry...come home to sleep......

I posted a very similar problem back in May. May DD is 14 and it was her best friend's 15th birthday. Again mixed sleepover. We said "no" and stuck to our guns. DH picked up DD at 2.00am after she phoned and begged for another hour. Friend's mum was originally going to sleep through it but when I explained my DD was going home she changed her mind and stayed up all night with them.

For us it's a matter of reputation. We don't want our DD to be judged as a girl how will stay out all night with boys. There are still double standards for boys and girls.

BTW that sleepover did bite that mum on the bum. It opened the way for her girls boyfriend to think it was ok to spend all weekend with them, every weekend. The mum was relieved when they broke up so she could get her sofa and use of her telly back!

IMHO once you start something its difficult to stop. Will you have some magic date where it's ok to have mixed sleepovers but the next week its taboo? Very hard to give then take away, if you see would I mean.

sorry about some of the words being muddled. I'm staying up waiting for the washing machine to finish sad

scherazadey Fri 05-Jul-13 09:01:33

Sorry but really don't see how allowing a mixed sleepover then opens the way for a boyfriend to think he can stay over every weekend? It's really not the same situation at all and whos in charge here?? And are you for real with the 'reputation' thing? Does that mean you'd think my 12 year old daughter is a slut because she's slept over at a boy mates house with a group of other boys and girls? What century are we living in here?

felicity1971 Fri 05-Jul-13 09:22:11

DD is 12 and her best friends mum won't allow mixed sleepovers at all. However she is quite happy to leave her daughter with a large group of friends of both genders in her house all day while she's out at work! Guess she thinks they only turn into sex crazed monsters at night time then.......

Jimalfie Fri 05-Jul-13 09:50:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jimalfie Fri 05-Jul-13 11:23:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carly98 Fri 05-Jul-13 11:45:39

In that case, definately not. I wouldn't let her go to a sleepover there whether there were boys or not shock

TheMoonOnAStick Fri 05-Jul-13 11:50:22

No from me too. I blimmin HATE sleepovers anyway, but a mixed one adds a whole new dimension of headache to it. I must admit though, I've not heard anyone mentioning mixed ones here.Thank god.

carly98 Fri 05-Jul-13 11:50:30

"...the last time dd slept there the mum went out drinking and left the girls in the house alone and didn't come back until 11am. Does that change anyone's mind?"

Sorry, message above was in response to this...

My point is if you think it's ok at 12/13 but not at 14/15 that is a difficult concept for a teen. So just start as you mean to go on. Say no.

iamaduck Fri 05-Jul-13 12:52:20

my 13 yr old dd recently went to one and it was fine, your dd sounds lovely but if you tell her she can't go she might start rebelling and stop being so nice and getting rewards. I understand if she was older maybe not to let her go but at this age it would be fine smile

Jimalfie Fri 05-Jul-13 13:42:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scherazadey Fri 05-Jul-13 13:48:12

I also have a very strict no alcohol rule if my older two are doing a sleepover, as alcohol changes everything. I work at my kids school anyway and know a lot of their friends so they know I won't stand for any nonsense!

Bramshott Fri 05-Jul-13 13:49:49

Blimey, I spent most of the late 80s/early 90s going to mixed-sex sleepovers and there was NOTHING remotely sexual about them!

p.s. and my parents were very strict, but it never occurred to them that I shouldn't be able to go

flow4 Fri 05-Jul-13 14:33:03

But fort, if your logic is "It's not OK at 15, so you can't let them at 12 either, because you have to start as you mean to go on", then by the same logic, you can't let them at 10, 8 or 6 either... confused

webwiz Fri 05-Jul-13 16:15:56

All of mine have been on mixed gender sleepovers (2 DD's and a DS) and they are just about having a laugh with friends and not sexual at all.

DS(16) has plans to spend most of this summer camping in people's back gardens with his friends (girls and boys). They are a lovely bunch of kids and some of them are moving onto different sixth forms so its nice for them to spend time together.

I can't say my daughters' reputations were a consideration it was more about who was going and the possible dynamics. They are in their 20s now and haven't been hounded out of town as scarlet women yet smile

felicity1971 Fri 05-Jul-13 17:23:02

I do find it really odd that so many people think of their young teenagers like this, with uncontrollable sexual urges and no morals, when sex is probably not on their minds at all! Ithinnk it's the adults who have dirty minds personally!

Sparklingbrook Fri 05-Jul-13 17:35:18

Well said felicity.

Mine have always have mixed sleep overs, no one has had sex, got pregnant ect, my DS is 19 and still has girl 'friends' to sleep over and manages not to jump on them, they are just his friends. As to reputation, what if your DD is a lesbian/ bisexual, then it will be ok to sleepover with boys not girls? madness, teenagers can control themselves and in a room with 10 other people they do have some self repesect. Id be more worried about them drinking at that age than sex

sleepdodger Fri 05-Jul-13 17:58:30

I did duke o Edinburgh at this age camping with gasp boys
It about the conversations you have with your dc before - if you say a flat no she won't be honest next time
Have a chat about how she feel about boys etc
Whilst some are sex crazed loons some are painfully shy-
Hope all goes well

Mintberry Fri 05-Jul-13 18:12:52

I remember being very cross as a teenager that my flamboyantly gay male best friend was never allowed to sleep over. grin

I think I would consider it in that situation, or if I trusted the host family and they said the boys would be in a different room for the actual sleeping. Though it doesn't sound like that will be the case for you, OP, so I would just say no if it doesn't sit right with you. You're on your own with preventing the tantrum though! wink

MaryRose Tue 09-Jul-13 10:24:32

Thanks all. I spoke to the mum concerned. She's actually really nice and the Aunt and best friends dad and new partner plus baby twins are going to be there so I feel better about the worry of her going out and leaving them as she did last time (DD since admitted that her best friend may have been exaggerating on this and they weren't left 'all night' more like till 11pm). The mum has said if I feel uncomfortable she will invite the boys for movie and pizza but not to sleepover. I'm half wondering if this is all a bit of an elaborate ruse but I think I have to give DD the benefit of the doubt and let her go. I don't have any complaints about my DD's behaviour and no, I don't think she is a 'slut' as some people have rather shockingly suggested. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I do think I have the right to protect my daughter. I get the point that most 12/13 year olds are not sex crazed monsters, but I think we need to remember that 12/13/14 year olds DO get pregnant so not all of them are impeccably behaved either..

AllegraLilac Fri 12-Jul-13 16:48:21

Nothing sexy goes on at mixed sleepovers. There in a group fgs! They're not having orgies. Nor are people coupling off and going upstairs. It's drunken parties at older ages where that happens. And being 16 and asking if the 'boyfriend can sleepover'.

I promise, at 12/13, mixed sleepovers are painfully platonic.

AllegraLilac Fri 12-Jul-13 18:48:46

Legitimate question. Would you ban your daughter from girl sleepovers if she were a lesbian?

MaryRose Mon 15-Jul-13 13:42:24

Well folks it didn't go too well - see my seperate thread on 12 year old, drinking and boys!!!!

Jimalfie Tue 16-Jul-13 09:15:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Apples7 Tue 16-Jul-13 18:05:09

Personaly let her go! I know lots of people who lost there virginity in s1 via drunken mistakes! Just make sure there are no drinks( alcholic) avaiable!
You havent thought about the possibility that some of them (gurls or boys) could be gay so really anything can happen just trust your daughter if not shes gonna rebel out espicialy if her friends are alowed to go

Sparklingbrook Tue 16-Jul-13 18:08:43

Um Apples you may want to read the OP's last post. sad

PeriodMath Tue 16-Jul-13 18:16:57

Love the random information in the OP. The academic awards and swimming stuff - what does any if that have to do with your anything? grin

MaryRose Tue 16-Jul-13 18:31:08

Well bugger me for being proud of my daughter! I'm certainly not apologising for that, regardless as to whether I'm over the top about the sleepover p.s the point was to show she is a hardworking, trustworthy, well behaved child and therefore I TRUSTED her completely but was concerned about the influence of others, and especially boys, at the sleepover. I'm quite happy to take flack re my opinions on sleepovers but I'll always flag about my kids achievements and I don't see why every other parent shouldn't do the same

PeriodMath Tue 16-Jul-13 18:33:43

But it had zero relevance to your question. Brag all you want - to people who could care less. Weird to say it on here though.

Btw, being able to swim and pass exams does not make you any less randy as a teen wink

MaryRose Tue 16-Jul-13 18:46:52

Blimey, what a lot of unnecessary bitchiness periodmath! And I thought teenage girls had the monopoly of pitching over the smallest of things! Was there really any need to get out the wooden spoon at STIR for no reason?

MaryRose Tue 16-Jul-13 18:47:12

*bitching

MaryRose Tue 16-Jul-13 19:17:33

I do wonder though why some mums seem to feel the need to undermine each other by picking at the slightest thing. Constructive criticism, great, difference of opinion, fact of life. But criticising the smallest thing unnecessarily, why? Shouldn't we be building each other up, as parents and as women? What kind of example does it set out daughters if we bitch needlessly? Just my ten pence worth

scherazadey Tue 16-Jul-13 19:29:03

Yes I agree those last few comments are rather bitchy and unnecessary! I think the reason so many people have got irate about this Maryrose is that the issue has become confused. It is not a simple case of whether or not you agree with mixed sleepovers (which of course opinions will differ on) but the fact that this was not a 'usual' mixed 12 year olds sleepover as there was alcohol and no adult supervision (which after three children and numerous mixed sleepovers I have never ever come across before). And although a lot of people are happy with their kids sleeping over with friends of the opposite sex, nobody would be happy letting their kids sleepover with alcohol and no parent there at age 12.

MaryRose Tue 16-Jul-13 19:32:04

Fair point scherazadey. I agree the issues are confused, but most people have posted thoughtful and helpful comments regardless of whether they have opposing views to mine, which is fine, I thought that was what mumsnet was all about, helping and offering opinion, not being unkind!

Jimalfie Tue 16-Jul-13 19:38:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryRose Tue 16-Jul-13 19:51:44

No jimalfie I didn't, like I said difference of opinion, maybe I'll change my mind, who knows, but for now I'm going to stick to saying no to it! I still don't have a problem with her socialising with boys generally and I certainly don't think they are all sex crazed, we know some lovely teenage boys and DD is fortunate to have some lovely male friends, far more so than I did actually

MaryRose Tue 16-Jul-13 19:52:06

P.s hope your DD is ok?

Dancergirl Wed 17-Jul-13 12:46:44

OP, you've had a bit of a bashing on here but I see where you are coming from. My own dd is a year younger, 12 in May and at the moment has no interest in boys. I don't think in a year's time I would be happy about her going to a mixed sleepover and would probably say no too. I think sometimes with teens, we feel pressurised into saying yes to things for fear of our child being left out or that they'll have a strop or not like you! NOT good reasons to say yes. If you're not happy with the set up then say no. It doesn't mean no for ever, just for now, it's a bit too much too soon. I don't think it's good parenting to let teens do more or less what they like and actually, deep down, THEY often want parents to draw boundaries even if they don't admit it.

Mixitup123 Fri 23-Aug-13 07:53:49

I'm not surprised by the amount of emotion this thread has raised. My own daughters have never been allowed mixed sleepovers after starting secondary school that action was reinforced by seeing guidance that a child has their own room from that age approx. the younger one 13 feels she is missing out badly. I'm not sure they have and they still have a great bunch of both sets of friends. My issue is that's rising teens are experimental and even if alcohol is banned they have ways of secreting it in. I work with teenagers and have had to deal with some very sad situations with kids as young as 13 getting pregnant. In my own area there have been other situations that have got out of control and older girls claiming they've been raped. I don't think it's worth the risk.

Chopstheduck Fri 23-Aug-13 08:04:23

I think you did the right thing to say no, fwiw.

My dd is 13 and at that age, they really are a raging ball of hormones and so unpredictable. Last year I had to step in to stop her starting a sexual relationship with another girl. It was totally out of the blue and unexpected. She was just so hormonal, totally confused about what she wanted and I think she would have deeply regretted it had she gone ahead.

I think the group thing is probably a lot safer, but kids that age are so easily lead, I still wouldn't take the risk.

Nobody can compare to it to what they got up to in the 80s/90s neither, it is a totally different time now. Kids learn too much too soon, and I think it screws a lot of people up too. We live in quite an affluent area, but dd has so many friends who really are confused and mixed up for whatever reason. Self harming, suicide attempts, sadomachoism, drugs. No chance she is going to sleepovers with any of those, regardless of gender!

Luckily she does have a few friends that I know quite well, are quite level headed and she allowed to sleepover at their houses.

chocolate140 Sun 15-Sep-13 00:23:39

my dd is 14 and I allowed her to have a sleepover with 15 of her friends in tents at the back of the garden. pretty much half of them were boys and everything was fine, I hadn't even met a few of the boys and one of the girls but they all got along fine. they did a barbecue and all had a great time. not once did I have to go and tell them off they were all very sensible. the next day everyone helped to clean up and they even tidied the whole of the ground floor (including mopping and hoovering!!) I'd let them do it again and I don't see the problem with having mixed sleepovers when they're all friends. the chances of anything untoward happening are so slim there's no point fretting over it

MaryRose Tue 17-Sep-13 21:16:35

Blimey is this thread still running?! We'be long ago moved on to the next set of crises (fall outs with friends, sexting, just being a plain old Moody teen) I suppose I should take that ad a comfort that all these phases do pass!!!

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