So I know she is lying, what now.

(82 Posts)

Found a towel in DDs laundry basket that is covered on urine.

It is yellow and stinks (is a white towel).

She said she found it wet like that in her bathroom yesterday!

It is not her or so she says,I told her it wasn't me. DH says it wasn't him so it must be DS. I told her he would be punished when he got on for going into her room and pissing on her belongings. She said not to do that as it was not him!!!

What now? Do we have someone who breaks in and pisses over things? Am I imagining it?

Dd has firm for lying about personal hygiene issues and for being a dirty little scrote!!

combinearvester Wed 03-Jul-13 14:51:57

How old is she? I only ask because a, er, friend of mine once sneaked her boyfriend into her room for the night. He was forced to wee in the sink as he was too scared to go to the bathroom in case he ran into her parents grin. Lucky I my friend had a sink in her bedroom.

Other (probably more likely) option - she got drunk and caught short, thought a towel would be easiest weeing option (as opposed to the more frequent teenage boy option of a wardrobe/pot plant grin

Just turned 13 so am praying neither of those options!! shock

She has her own bathroom so no reason not to use it.

There is no way it could be someone else. It must be her but if she won't admit it what do I do?

neolara Wed 03-Jul-13 14:59:00

Why would she wee on a towel? Sounds very odd.

combinearvester Wed 03-Jul-13 14:59:50

I'm wondering if you should use a more gentle approach, maybe try to find out why she would do this. For example you could say you accept she is saying it is not her, but you are wondering how it happened, and sometimes people might feel embarrassed to talk about it, but you are here if there's anything that's making her feel worried. Teenagers especially early teens can do some grim personal hygiene things but if it is becoming a pattern with her...obviously she may not know why she is doing it. Is there anything going on in her life which may be causing her anxiety?

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Wed 03-Jul-13 15:01:03

I don't know what you can do, other than talk to her <again>.

I know.

Have asked her if accidentally dropped in toilet.

If she had accident and it was only thing to hand to clear up, just says no, she doesn't know what happened to make it wet or smelly.

Don't know is her stock answer when it comes to anything she is guilty of but doesn't want to own up.

I have told her that I will be crosser with the lying than the actual act itself.

What now?

Being cross or being kind makes no difference.

She doesn't know who did it or how it happened???

Nothing out of ordinary for her to be stressed about. We are very open and she has every opportunity to bring things up with us.

combinearvester Wed 03-Jul-13 15:04:39

It could be a symptom of anxiety, a way of regaining control, or just poor impulse control...I take it she doesn't have ADHD / ASD?

lastnightidreamt Wed 03-Jul-13 15:04:56

Could she have done it in her sleep?

I caught DS (admittedly only 5) weeing in his wardrobe the other night - he had no recollection of it in the morning.

No. No issues with urinating before and no ADHD or anything else.

Normal teen. Just disgusting personal hygiene.

Jojay Wed 03-Jul-13 15:06:39

Does she wet the bed? Would she be putting towels down to catch it? I remember doing that as a child, albeit at a younger age than your DD.

How would you wee on a towel without getting it anywhere else though in your sleep?

No wet beds since potty training finished.

Is a small towel so not one I would think you would put in your bed if you were worried about wetting the bed.

lastnightidreamt Wed 03-Jul-13 15:09:36

Hmm I hadn't considered the logistics!

No answer to that one.

Unless she weed on the floor in the night and used it to clean up. Now she's too embarrassed to tell you.

EuphemiaLennox Wed 03-Jul-13 15:12:02

Is her personal hygiene generally an issue?

If not this seems like a weird embarrassing mishap that she doesn't want to talk about, and I'd let it go rather than pressurise her into explaining it.

The 'lying' is normal behaviour when you want to avoid discussing something that feels shameful.

Of its part of a wider hygiene issue you need to think more broadly about how to address that.

So do I leave it?

Just wash towel and ignore?

She lies about showering, cleaning her teeth, brushing her hair, using deodorant.

She would rather not wash and cover herself in cheap shite body spray. It is laziness.

I just can't abide the filth.

Why would you wee on a towel?

combinearvester Wed 03-Jul-13 15:21:22

They are weird at that age. Honestly do a quick MN search for unhygienic teenagers, you are not the only one. If you are sure there is nothing else going on, then make it a condition that she has to do her own laundry or she can't do X, i.e. she has to clear up after herself. Maybe the attraction of pissing on a towel will be lost if she has to sort it herself.

Again I would go back to basics and do reward/losing privileges for personal hygiene. But don't make it a drama, try to shame her into doing it, etc. etc.. Just if you don't do X then Y will or will not happen. End of. Don't call her disgusting/filthy etc however much it winds you up. PS she will grow out of it.

EuphemiaLennox Wed 03-Jul-13 15:29:10

I don't know why you'd wee on a towel, but I can imagine you wouldn't want to discuss it.

Yes I'd wash and ignore and think about how to address her wider, but normal, lazy hygiene issues.

I'd probably sit her down tomorrow, NOT mention the towel, but explain that she has to start taking responsibility for her hygiene, and that you've not been happy as you can tell she hasn't been and you know she lies about it.

Tell her that until she demonstrates that she can take responsibility you will have to personally monitor her showering and brushing her teeth every day. Do this for a while, she'll HATE it with you standing there saying 'have you washed your hair yet??!?!'

After a week or so give her another go to be independent with this, but be very clear about what she needs to do. Eg shower every morning? Wash hair twice a week? Brush teeth morning and night? And if you think she's not doing it, you'll go back to personally monitoring it.

Anyway, very soon she'll probably become obsessed with personal grooming and you'll have new problems.

Have told her handle is coming off bathroom door and I will be monitoring her washing habits as she will have to use my bathroom.

WTF is going on though? I have always let then tell me anything. I give them everything in reason. Am confusedunderstanding, fun, kind, generous. Support their hobbies and homework etc.

This is making me feel like a bloody failure. I always thought I was making a good bash at being a mum the kids could come to or tell anything to. I didn't want to be unapproachable like my patents!!! sad

EuphemiaLennox Wed 03-Jul-13 16:55:27

Honestly she's in a grim lazy filth stage. It's early teenage hood. Your job is to nag her and try to install some good habits, even when she doesn't want to.

Don't get hung up on the lying.

There's a ridiculous falsehood we tell children about 'never lying to us.' of course they'll lie, like you lie and I lie occasionally, when I want to avoid something, get out of an awkward situation, to save someone feelings, becuase I can't be arsed with the difficult conversation right now, becuase I think it's none of thier business, or because the embarrassment or shame is too much.

That's normal, we'd be better off admitting this instead of pretending it's not and instead explain the important things you shouldn't lie about and judging situations when telling the truth is important and necessary for relationships.

I'm sure you're doing a fine job as a parent you just have a normal lying dirty scrote of a teenager to deal with.grin

Good plans for attacking hygiene issue BTW.

QOD Wed 03-Jul-13 16:58:47

Ah my dd was a right skank at 12/13 really. I started a thread!
14 now and although I still call her "Sue Heck" as her hair needs brushing quite often, she's all shiney and SELF aware of when she needs to deskank

IT DOES GET BETTER!!! I promise wink

Thank EL.

Am
Bit hormonal and going through horrendous time at work.

You would think a 13 year old would try to empathise and make life easier!!!

I understand what you are saying. Rose tinted specs have been stomped on in relation to DD today!!

Thanks QOD.

Pissing on a towel though?

gaggiagirl Wed 03-Jul-13 17:08:23

I would wash the towel and not mention it.
She may have a UTI and got caught short or just got caught short and mopped it up with a towel she's probably really embarrassed about it.
I weed on my bedroom floor when I was 15 cos I had a UTI and couldn't control the wee! I could have died of shame.

Palika Wed 03-Jul-13 17:10:04

Welcome to the teenage years! No matter how close you were before with your child they will pull away from you until you feel you have lost them, then they come back as if nothing happened.

I would suggest to make a plan of what good hygiene is - together with her - and agree consequences.

If she has done one bad act (weeing on the towel) I would let her get away with it but threaten with consequences if it ever should happen again.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Primrose123 Wed 03-Jul-13 17:16:51

Could it have been cat or dog wee?

Do you have pets?

I know of a young teenager who bought a puppy without permission, and sneaked it into her room. Is something like that possible?

We have a dog but dog does not go up the stairs and I cannot see any reason as to why she would not admit it if she cleaned up dog wee or dropped it in the loo or even had an accident?????

Is this it??

Bloody hell feel like such a failure!!

I just don't understand? Being lazy so not wanting to wash or change sanitary towel often enough or clean teeth but pissing anywhere but the toilet????

financialnightmare Wed 03-Jul-13 17:54:04

I used to do this sort of thing as a teenager - experimenting with sexuality I think and doing things that made me feel good 'down below'

However I did my own washing and if my teen did this, I would make her start doing her own washing tbh

Ps am normal person now honest... smile

This may sound daft but is she scared of the dark? I remember seriously considering options of things that I could wee on rather than cross the pitch dark landing to the loo - I would guess I was 11 at the time.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NatashaBee Wed 03-Jul-13 18:02:44

Do you think she had the dog in her bedroom and was too lazy to let him out? or shut him in a room somewhere and he peed? I agree that teens can be pretty gross, but I just can't quite work out why peeing on a towel is easier than just going to the bathroom.

Not scared of dark. Has touch lamp next to bed and an ensuite so no need to go far. Think they both still have night light too.

Ok, experiment but admit what you have done. I don't want to know the details but admit that yes it was you, then I'll say if you do it again deal with it yourself and its finished.

It's the lying that sends me bonkers!! (Well and wee!!!)

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 03-Jul-13 18:05:42

Could it be a UTI?

A&E once told me to wee through a warm towel if I needed too, as it would soothe the burning a little. I didn't try it, so I don't know if it works?

Other than that, I think you just have to go through with your threat of removing the bathroom handle and making her use your toilet for now, and hope that she learns.

Things like forgetting to brush her teeth, resisting washing and not wanting to change her sanitary towel could merit being checked out at a doctors, though, if you haven't already. That would be an extraordinary level of laziness!

No. Dog will not climb stairs so not dog.

specialsubject Wed 03-Jul-13 18:46:21

I would say the major issue is not washing the towel. If you have a washing machine she needs to learn to use it if she is old enough.

and maybe a side order of 'you are a really crap liar, let's stop wasting time eh?'

Towel was in bottom of laundry basket under school inform. Yum!!
Admits its got urine on it but not how it got on there.

I will teach her how to use the washing machine but I just want some bloody honesty.

Spartacus101 Wed 03-Jul-13 18:58:51

dd (8) did this for a while but on the carpet not even a towel shock sad Found out she was scared of going to the toilet in the semi-dark.

neontetra Wed 03-Jul-13 19:34:23

If I had, for some reason, weed on a towel, I would see the world go up in smoke rather than admit it, especially to someone whose opinion of me I valued. It is just a mega embarassing thing. She's probably not lying, as much as mortified. As such, I'd leave it, just keep an eye on things to check she is ok health-wise etc.

From her lying and dirty behaviour I don't think she does value my opinion of her.

Have probably blown this all out of proportion but am having hard time at present and whilst DS is mega perceptive and really nice during the peaks in the shit I am having to deal with DD steps up on the shitty behaviour.

steppemum Wed 03-Jul-13 21:25:40

op, I think you need to cut her and you some slack.
13 is the worst age, they loose all empathy and sense of responsibility under the onslaught of hormones. Add to that the horrible mixture of wanting to be independent and also still being a child.

She wants privacy, the more you ask the more she will dig herself a hole. She doesn't want you to know everything about her any more, she wants to have secrets, even if they are actually boring! So while you can't understand why she won't tell you, actually for her that is the whole point, she doesn't want you to know - however trivial.

I think the way forward is a little talk, ignore towel and say what your expectations are for hygiene, wet items need to go in the washing machine, not the basket, remind her how to use the machine and make it clear she is expected to clear up after herself. Tell her she can always ask for help.

teenagers do weird things, and are then embarrassed about them. Turning a blind eye is a handy skill to develop

DameEdnasBridesmaid Wed 03-Jul-13 21:31:34

OP it's just a towel with some wee on it. Just put in the wash.

The are more important things to make a big deal out of.

Children/teens/people do all sorts of weirdos things, nobody got hurt, just leave her to it.

TheSecondComing Wed 03-Jul-13 21:41:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thanks chaps.

Have just found this shocking and her attitude is beyond me.

I know she's lying, she knows she's lying but still can't fess up!

I only have experience of really disturbed kids or those with huge issues.

The normal teenager is beyond me.

I'll ignore it now but an gonna make sure she is at least clean!!

No wine or gin or fags as am pregnant!!!

Thanks everyone. Am mourning the loss of my pretty, shinny little girl. hmm

Littleballofhate Wed 03-Jul-13 21:51:11

Well said The Second Coming! I have a sixteen year old son I believe just stands in the shower allowing water to pour over him, never being arsed to actually toss some soap in the mix. I only make a huge fuss if we are going somewhere special. His 14 yr old sister washes and styles his hair for him. Otherwise, I just walk away and keep walking..

WorrySighWorrySigh Wed 03-Jul-13 21:51:11

I agree with steppemum, dont make a big thing about the towel. Give her some rules about laundry but that is all.

She is a teenager, in just 3 year's time she would be old enough to join the Army. Now is the time of breaking free. You are entitled to privacy from her and she is entitled to privacy from you. Keep pushing and she will hide more and more from you.

TheSecondComing Wed 03-Jul-13 21:54:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happyhohoho Wed 03-Jul-13 21:55:51

Perhaps she ran out of toilet paper and used the towel?

Littleballofhate Wed 03-Jul-13 22:02:35

Teenagers are such a volatile mix of hormones. One day my 14 yr old dd is happily wearing a tshirt with a cat on it and then she suddenly morphs into a vamp with red lips and high heels. It's a very confusing time for everyone. I just try to remember to shut up and listen to what they are trying to say.

Maybe she was trying something sexual with the towel - masturbation - and lost control and wet herself on it.

The point is, it is clearly something she doesn't want to explain to you - quite understandably if I am right - so why are you so insistent? Why do you have to know the precise details - give the girl some privacy.

There are many things I have done that I wouldn't want to explain to my mother.

This whole "why won't she fess up?" thing - isn't it obvious? She doesn't want to tell you. Just drop it and move on. There are worse things she could do. Stealing/ taking drugs/ bullying. You need to stop embarrassing her about this.

Thud!!!!

That was me hitting the floor.

She will have her own set if towels to masterbate on!!

My god.

Never crossed mind.

wordfactory Wed 03-Jul-13 22:24:42

I think it's far more likely she ran out of loo roll and wiped with the towel!

Wiping with the towel would not leave it soaked.

Itaintmebabeitaintmeyourlookin Wed 03-Jul-13 22:35:18

Also she is her own person.. If you, for whatever reason got caught short and weed on a towel, would you tell anyone about it especially someone like a parent or teacher..of course not. She is not going to tell you and that is entirely normal. Just leave it. You've told her off you must give her some guidance and rules and privacy

TheSecondComing Wed 03-Jul-13 22:35:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flow4 Wed 03-Jul-13 23:09:48

MmeC, you are very clearly horrified. Whatever the reason, she will not want to explain it to her utterly disgusted mother. I don't blame her; I wouldn't either. Would you?

What are you so worried by? That she has suddenly developed a desire to wee on things, and will embarrass you by getting 'caught' doing it somewhere other than her own room? Honestly, there are a dozen possible explanations that are more likely than that, from laziness through accident through infection to experimentation... None of them are a big deal. She's 13. Teenagers are weird. I promise you she won't start weeing on grandma's Persian carpet... Honestly!

Thank you.

It is over. Have drawn a line and decided just to show her how to use washer and to warn her of the impending doom if she starts to leave food un her room or doesn't dispose of other bodily secretions appropriately.

It's the germs that freak me out!

flow4 Thu 04-Jul-13 07:51:07

Good. Well done. smile

And as for germs, well, there's plenty of evidence that many of them are good for you... And wee is actually sterile, or at least contains very few bacteria - potentially fewer than tap water!

Moxiegirl Thu 04-Jul-13 08:00:08

It's wee on a towel in the washing basket. What I find disgusting is dirty pants complete with sanitary pad attached festering in the corner confused

Pantone363 Thu 04-Jul-13 08:05:36

DS frequently wees in a cup or glass and leaves it in his bedroom, he doesn't like going doenstairs on his own in the morning and wakes up at 6.

But he's 5!

CoalDustWoman Thu 04-Jul-13 08:08:47

Does she ever get any time in the house on her own? Where she can deal any mishaps without having to explain herself?

Branleuse Thu 04-Jul-13 08:11:24

Tell her that youve no idea how the towel got soaked in wee, but seeing as it did, she can do her own washing from now on,

valiumredhead Thu 04-Jul-13 08:39:01

You need to quit with the no lying/confess business or she will never tell you anything and it will be completely counterproductive.

It's wee on a towel,which is no big deal really, CLEARLY she doesn't want to tell you and perhaps, as by your own admission you have issues, this is precisely why she doesn't want to say anything as you will find it (her sad) disgusting.

It was in the laundry basket so in the right place. Even a bit of wee would smell vile after a day or so in the basket, a wet flannel smells RANK and that's only water, so I doubt she actually stood over it and used it instead of the toilet.

The no lying thing is completely unrealistic and is ridiculous because we all lie whether out of kindness e.g. 'does my bum look big in this?' or ' oh fuck I've mopped up an accident, I'm so embarrassed I won't tell anyone'
No one tells the truth all the time and it's completely understandable that she didn't want to tell you.

Teenagers are pretty swanky, it IS like having a toddler around the house again as someone said upthread, all previous good behaviour goes out of the window and their brains are all over place. Honestly, if I had found a towel with wee on it in the laundry basket I would have bunged it in the machine and thought nothing more of it unless it kept happening.

Imagine if you had an accident OP and bunged your knickers into the machine to go through the next wash and your dh found them and made the fuss you are making, it would be embarrassing, wouldn't it?

Wrt personal hygiene - she needs to shower every day to get into a good routine, my ds is 12 and every day we have to tell him to go and have a shower,it just doesn't register yet that that is an essential part of the day - even though he needs 2 showers a day atm due to bad hay fever, it gets the pollen off him. It's not 'laziness' it's them not knowing how important personal hygiene is yet. So tell her to shower every single day without fail and you will be doing the sniff test wink if she doesn't, tell her she can't have her phone/telly/whatever.

Sorry, really long post! Hope you feel calmer this morning about it all smile

fuzzpig Thu 04-Jul-13 09:01:57

Sleepwalking? I remember a friend telling me about her younger sister who'd got up while still asleep/half asleep and used the loo... only it wasn't a loo, it was a chair <grim>

Anyway I agree to just move on but try and help her with her hygiene issues. What's her self esteem like? Because while it is normal to go through a lazy phase it could also be that she doesn't think enough of herself to bother IYSWIM? i.e. it's not worth it. (that's what I have always felt like)

BabsAndTheRu Thu 04-Jul-13 09:03:58

iwasyoungonce That was exactly what I thought reading this thread. Actually think its pretty obvious. Poor girl, for god sake give her some privacy and stop quizzing her and yes yes to the washing machine idea. Find it strange that you would have been shocked at the reason for this.

WandaDoff Thu 04-Jul-13 09:13:15

She's not going to tell you because she is embarrassed I expect.

If you keep pushing though, she'll end up not talking to you about anything at all.

Teenagers are gross & they do odd things sometimes but you have to pick your battles & this one isn't worth starting WW3 for. I have two teenage boys & they are the most disgusting creatures, lazy, smelly & full of attitude.

Well done for drawing a line under it & do teach her how to use the washing machine, she's going to be an adult in 5 yrs time & needs to learn how to do basic household tasks for herself.

Thingiebob Thu 04-Jul-13 09:20:09

It's just wee on a towel. Not radioactive material.

Slipshodsibyl Thu 04-Jul-13 09:42:54

Just a thought - while I think weird things like this are fairly normal at this age - and fair play, it was in the washing basket! You mention you are pregnant. My mother had a baby when I was 12 and, despite already having siblings I had some odd, unspoken anxieties about being displaced; about not wanting to the a boy....etc. they all disappeared when he arrived but I wonder if this might be in the mix as well?

scherazadey Thu 04-Jul-13 09:46:17

Really can't see what you're so worried about? It's not like you found a dead body or a towel soaked in someone elses blood is it? It's a bit odd but teenagers can be a bit odd. Poor girl! Would you want to explain yourself if this had happened to you?

Robotindisguise Thu 04-Jul-13 18:06:48

Oh good grief. Look - she went to the loo in the night half-asleep and - for whatever reason (seat was down, sleepwalking) missed the bowl. And cleaned it up with a towel. It doesn't deserve a fit of the vapours. She was obviously very embarrassed about it so perhaps not so much Big Dealism in future? Sheesh...

ll31 Thu 04-Jul-13 21:19:31

IngThink you are over reacting hugely tbh. Wash the bloody towel and move on. I really felt sorry for ur dd when I saw ur comment about her not changing sanitary towel enough.... Think you need to step back a bit and let her develop some independence and privacy.fwiw my mother was v like u in terms of demanding to know everything so I told her nothing. Still don't. Also, it's not her job to help you deal with whatever work issues you have,that's your job.

DameEdnasBridesmaid Thu 04-Jul-13 21:25:05

Why are people continuing with this? The OP has said 'it's over, she's drawn a line and moved on'.

ll31 Thu 04-Jul-13 21:27:38

Clearly because we feel like it,it being a free world!!

valiumredhead Thu 04-Jul-13 21:29:05

Are you the thread police?wink

DameEdnasBridesmaid Thu 04-Jul-13 21:39:46

Just interested.seems a bit bizarre to be replying to someone who is no longer reading. But hey like you say, it's a free world smile

ExcuseTypos Thu 04-Jul-13 22:05:21

OP "Have told her handle is coming off bathroom door and I will be monitoring her washing habits as she will have to use my bathroom."

I hope you're not going to do this after reading all the advice that has been posted. Please do not do this.

AllegraLilac Fri 12-Jul-13 17:05:51

I know this is really out there, but a friend of mine is really into sexual fetishism involving urine/ wearing nappies/ infantilism and has told me stories like this about her teenage years and exploring this interest.

She'd wee on absorbent things and masturbate through the stream, or just wee because she had an interest in weeing and enjoyed it. Then as she got older, she'd fashion 'nappies' out of sanitary towels and bathroom towels and enjoy weeing like an infant would.

When she got older and was earning her own money, she'd buy adult nappies to wee in. Now, with her husband, nappies and urine are a major part of their sex lives - weeing on each other, drinking, wetting their pants.

I'm very sexually liberal and am genuinely interested about this practice, which is why I know so much.

Now I'd hate to assume anything about your daughter. I just thought I'd share some insight.

AllegraLilac Fri 12-Jul-13 17:10:02

Oh - OP, if this is a masturbation thing, please don't be angry at her for lying to you. It it totally normal to hide how you masturbate from your mum!

Don't ask, don't tell when it comes to teenage masturbation!

valiumredhead Fri 12-Jul-13 19:10:01

I think the poor OP might have just faintedwink

My bet would have gone on experimentation too.

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