ds1 (16) found out his girlfriend is 13!(78 Posts)
Im so cross ive been barefaced lied to by my ds1 and his girlfriend.
Ds1 is 16 in just over a week and just finished school so yr11. Hes been going out with his ggirlfriend for a couple of months. There was a rumour when they first started going out that she was yr8 I confronted them both together and she swore blind she was yr10 birthday in october so just missed on being in same year as ds1 by a couple of months.
So over the last couple of months ds2 (just 11) has had numerous people ask him if he was ds1's brother and that his brother was a paedo for going out with a yr 8. Each time ds2 had said no she was yr10 and defending his brother.
Tonight ds2 came home from the park upset as another boy had been saying stuff about ds1 again in front of ds2 and his friends.
I had been having doubts because of this so asked ds1 over dinner to confirm her age he was shifty and said she was 14 but I knew this wasn't the truth anyway a bit more pushing and he admitted she was $ is 13. Tbh im still unsure of her true age if shes yr8 with October birthday how old she would be?
I told him under no circumstances was he to contact her again and that I would be speaking to her parents and letting them know that I have told ds1 that he is not to go out with her.
Weve had screaming and shouting and swearing. I don't think im being unreasonable to say that a yr11 boy is too old to be goimg out with (regardless of sexual status of the relationship he assures me theyvr only kissed)? Am I being unreasonable in this decision?
13 and 14 this year. My brother is in same year and is 14 in September
I'm in 2 minds over this. I do not appreciate being lied to, so for that they would know my wrath. However, 3 years is not a huge gap, especially if she's quite mature for her age and he's quite immature - I'm not sure banning all contact is the answer, it's more likely to have them running to each other.
Do her parents know? Have you had a talk about pregnancy, STIs and where he stands legally if he has sex with a 13 year old?
I do know that both my 16 year old son and 14 year old daughter are horrified at the thought of anyone in their year going out with anyone 3 years younger/older - it's just not the done thing. Maybe it will all blow over? I'd just let it run its course tbh, neither encourage nor discourage it, and make sure they know exactly what you think of their deceit to date.
I dont know. Its a long list of lies at the moment.
Ive tried to speak to her parents to see if they know howold ds1 is and if they are haphappy with it all, but I don't have a phone number and have just gone round twice but no one was in. Im going to go round tomorrow after the school run and take a note with my number on incase no one is in.
I have two major problems other than the age and that's the deceit and the problems that its causing ds2. Ds2 isyr6 and had chosen a school on the other side of town as he ddidn't want to follow in ds1's footsteps at the school closest to us. Luckily he got into grammar school anyway.
She is exactly the same age as my dd. I would be a bit unhappy if she had dated a 16yo for a few months. I would be very u happy if they both lied abut it.
her parents could prosecute for statutory rape if they have sex.
thing is, this affects many life paths.
whether it is morally right or not - was not the question i had to battle when i had two teenage boys, my conversations were always about the possibility of being prosecuted
i would tell that to my boy.
and not go door knocking the parents - in case they prosecuted.
I would be very unhappy if I found out my DD, at age 13y/Y8, was going out with a much older 16y/Y11 boy.
Are her parents not aware of her boyfriend? Or have they lied to her parents too?
I think you are right to put a stop to it now, before it does get more serious. Your DS will be 16y very soon. If they do keep seeing each other and did become ore serious he could be in serious trouble.
I had assumed no sex (naive)!
They haven't had sex so he couldn't be prosecuted for that. Ive just had a very frank discussion wirh him about how he couldn't even think about having a sexual relationship until she was 16 at the very least.
please do not knock on these parents' door again - you have no idea what you might be up against.
These days are so dodgy for this kind of thing.
They might have a perfectly genuine relationship and still be together in five years time but 'others' are going to be shouting 'paedo' as your other son already has to tolerate hearing about his brother.
no idea where i would go with this one tbh.
but you said he's been lying? now he tells the truth?
Im not sure if they've lied to her parents or they are ok with it. Hes been to theirs a lot as they have a pool in their garden (a proper one not a pop up /overground one) and he has been out with the family.
And yes Im pretty sure I do believe him when he says they haven't had sex.
I went out with a 16 yo from the age of 13 to the age of 15. No big deal, but I guess we did not have the social pressure as everyone else around us was doing the same (I was in a girl's school, and as standard we 'dated' the boys who were a couple of years older).
The age difference is not that big at that age, girls tend to mature earlier.
They know and don't have a problem. The dad just rang me as he didn't understand why ive told ds1 to end it.
I completely get where you are coming from as a parent, but when I was 13 yo I wouldn't have batted an eyelid about going out with a 15 yo. (I know he's nearly 15 but still). It's the way it's always been - girls go out with boys older than them. So I'm not sure if this is really a big deal or not.... Sorry, I know that's not hugely helpful.
My kids say it would be social suicide for a year 11 to go out with a year 8, would be called a paedo etc. A lot of year 9 girls go out with year 10 or 11 boys but it seems the line is drawn there about how young is acceptable. Obviously the older they get the less the age difference matters, but seeing my 16 year old daughters friends who are male compared to my 12 year old daughters male friends you see what a huge difference there is. The year 7 and 8 'relationships' are pretty much just friends but at age 16 its much more about sex. DD says if a boy in her year was going out with a year 8 it would be because a) he'd already been out with every other year 11,10 and 9 or b) he couldn't get any year 11,10 or 9 to go out with him!!
There age gap is much closer than you would imagine for the school yr age gap. Ds1 is one of the youngest in his year as birthday in July and she's one of oldest s birthday October.
I've still decided to stick to the decision of NO they cannot see each other, and she certainly is not welcome in the house anymore.
The problem I have is that I work full time and the summer holidays are coming up, the younger dc are booked into holiday clubs but ds1 will be at home. I do not want anyone in the house other than him when I'm not there.
When I was 13 the boys I dated were 15 or 16. I'm not seeing a problem.
As long as they aren't having sex what does it matter.
And if you work full time DS will have round to the house who he likes and you forbidding it will just make it more appealing.
Else he'll just arrange to see her somewhere else.
Giving teens a reason to lie is never a good idea.
Sad thing is, if you go down the path of forbidding you're just going to drive them underground.
You would be better off letting it run its course, let her come over so you can keep an eye on things and ask the other parents to do the same.
It WILL fizzle out but if you do the heavy handed thing then you may set yourself up for all sorts of aggro.
I find it a shame he felt he had to lie to you in the first place.
If they're that keen they'll just see eachother behind your back.
I don't know tbh Startail. part of me says its only really 2years age difference and shes obviously much more mature than other 13yr old girls that I know as I believed that she was almost 15 and other then nagging doubt as I can usually tell when ds1 is lying and the constant rumours, I feel there needs to be some kind of punishment for the blatant lies told. Also wanting to stop the name calling etc that is affecting ds2 and ds1, although to some extent tough for ds1 he brought it on himself. HIs last girlfriend was the same year as him and as far as I know any previous girlfriends were the same age.
honestly it is perfectly normal, a 2-3 year gap is about standard
I agree with the op. They will want to have sex sooner or later and she will be under age.
he had no reason to lie to me in the first place, this is the bit I cant get my head round. For him/them to have lied in the first place they must have some doubts about if its right/wrong?
They both lied re age before I confronted them about the rumours and name calling. We went to Chessington and I hadlenghty conversation with her about her gcses next year and how she just missed out on being in the same year as ds1 by a couple of months, so not like it was a one off.
I don't see the big deal tbh. I went out with a sixteen year old when I was thirteen, we didn't have sex. I went out with a twenty year old when I was fifteen, we didn't have sex.
All this talk of statutory rape makes what are often innocent relationships (and just because they are together doesn't mean they are having sex, just because society deems it to be so doesn't mean it is) into something nasty ans sorded when it doesn't necessarily need to be the case.
They need to be aware of the realities, that she is under age so not able to consent and your ds needs to know the potential consequences if he were to have sex with her, that he and only he would be responsible.
But in truth you cannot "put a stop" to them seeing each other, they will just see each other at her house if her parents don't have an issue with it. He's already lied to you, now you're giving him reason to do so. And other than lying, he isn't actually doing anything wrong.
And other children having a go at ds2 isn't a reason to forbid them from seeing each other either. As I said, he's not doing anything wrong so long as they're not having sex, your ds2 needs to stand up for himself a bit and also these kids perhaps could do with knowing that sixteen year old liking thirteen year old does not equal paedo.
You know if you ban them from seeing each other they are going to rebel dont you
She would have been twelve at the start of the school year. Is she actually telling the truth about when her birthday is?
yes, as they were/are going camping the weekend of her birthday with her parents. When I spoke to the mum she said it was for the girls birthday, as I said then that I wasn't overly keen on the idea of them going away together, and the mum said well it'll be in a tent with everyone in the same sleeping space so what's going to happen?
They have been going out for 6 weeks, so she has been 13 the whole time and ds1 15 the whole time.
I don't think the age gap is a problem as it's only really 2 years, Those calling your DS names are silly and immature and your should tell your DS to ignore them. There is a problem that they lied to you, Do you think they knew you wouldn't like it so lied? They shouldn't have lied whatever they thought, I think if you ban them from seeing each other you'll just push them do it secretly,
Thinking about this, DD2 has mentioned some odd social convention about how many school years their can be between people you are friends with. I'm assuming this mainly means boys.
It's quite possibly they lied for a quiet life and deceiving you was not their first intention.
Unless they start having sex, there isn't a problem surely? If he really likes the girl he will wait, if not, then I'm sure it will be a short term thing and he'll go for girls his own age. Not all teenager boys are sex maniacs. I was 14 and my bf was 16 and he waited till I was 16 till we first had sex, we just kissed and cuddled up to that point and wasn't allowed to stay over each other's houses till we both were 16. Maybe set that to your boy and say that's the way it works as I think if you go in there all guns blazing banning it all together, they will want to do it behind your back to make a point. I had a lot more time for my Dad when he didn't blow his top and just compromised and told me to wait till I was legal age to do anything. I think if he would of gone mental and banned me seeing him, as I was so stroppy I would of tried my best to do it anyway. Isn't that what most teens do!
I don't understand the problem. I would be angrier with the lying.
DH is 3 years older than me and you have to understand that 13 year old girls are emotionally and physically more in a par with 15/16 year old boys than ones of their own age.
All the 16 year old girls will be going out with 17/18 year olds anyway.
The lying would be my issue but them again given your reaction I can see why they were dishonest, doesn't make lying right though.
when they started going out, she was 13 and he was 15 but he is about to turn 16?
For a 13 year old girl, a 13 year old boy is probably going to be too immature to be attractive. It is natural that she is looking at boys who are a bit older. Three years is a big gap though. There is a big difference between being 16 and being 13 in terms of what you can do at the weekends and so on. I think it might not last for that reason. Would she fit in with his crowd or stick out as a lot younger?
I am really not sure what I would do. If her parents are ok with it and she is a nice girl, ds knows that sex would legally be an issue for them, I might let it be. Mind you my own dd is very nearly 13 and I cannot imagine her with a 16 year old boy - or any boyfriend really atm. I wouldn't be comfortable with her going out with a 16 year old and I am not sure I would allow it other than in a group setting. She is a very young 12 though. Perhaps this girl is quite mature for her age. Is that your impression?
Sorry but go you think just by you saying now they have to end this that it will put a stop to snogging at your house during the school holidays.
I'd give my son a little more credit after speaking to him about sex, respect and what his life would be like being in the sex offenders register.
She's a bit young I'd say, 15 and 17 would be fine but realistically they are more likely than not going to want to have sex. If she's 14 in October that still leaves 2 years before she's legal.
I think it will run its course given time, now DS has left school and will be at college/sixth form I think he'll find a year nine a bit young for him.
I wouldn't do anything, it's not really bad but do underline firmly to your DS he can be presecuted for sex, sexting etc. On the other hand they could be really good together, I wouldn't try break it up.
actually now I think of it my mother did this. She forbade me to go out with a boy. I think I was 14 and he was 16, possibly 17. You can circumnavigate it a bit but in the end, if your parents don't allow it and have an eye on you, there is not that much scope to continue with it.
You are massively over reacting to the age difference. It is two years - very normal. 3 schools years is just unfortunate for them.
DS1 does not have to live his life by what might upset DS2 - that's bonkers. DS2 needs to stop taking his cues from you and just say to them - 'They are 2 years different in age - get over it'.
You would be MAD to ban them from seeing each other, especially as her parents are fine with it. All you do will do is cause a rift with your son and create a situation where they see each other behind your back - which they will.
If I were you I would be having a think about why my son felt he had to lie to me and then apologising to him for your over-reaction, ask him why he lied to you, discuss how lying to you makes you react and tell him it's fine to see her - but she is 13 and sex has to be off the cards because she is a) too young for it and b) he will get in massive amounts of trouble if anyone reports them.
I know it's a worry, but you really do need to calm down and think this through.
but hey had no reason to lie, nothing had been said about age differences at that point. It is the lying that is the main issue.
assuming that I now have the correct information re ages, ds1 will be 16 the beginning of July and she will be 14 the beginning of October so there is 2 years 3 months between them.
it really is not the age difference its the lying and the fact that we've defended him when people have said she was yr8 and I've categorically said no she's yr10 and so has his brother. I've told ds2 to deny being ds1's brother if anyone says anything to him again. he's just 11 why should he have to put up with shit caused by his brother?
The lying is a problem, the age gap isn't.
Stopping them from seeing each other isn't very sensible, though.
Why do you think they felt they had to lie?
he can't be the only 16 year old going out with a 14 year old at his school surely? I don't know why this whole paedophile business got going. Maybe sour grapes on the part of another boy who likes this girl? It is a shame your younger son is getting hassled about this but 2 years and a couple of months doesn't seem an enormous age difference to me. I am not sure how to help ds2 in this situation. Can't think of a witty come-back.
Maybe step back for a bit and see how it goes, you have spoken to ds and her parents seem happy with the relationship.Perhaps given a bit of time, it will all just blow over.
I have asked him why he lied to begin with, there's no reason why he would have felt the need to, especially at the beginning. once they told that lie they had to keep it up, but if they had/do stay together I would have found out very shortly that he lied, because of lack of gcses and also no change of school uniform for yr 11.
that's the bit I can't get my head round. He lied and she lied, why did she not question ds1 re lying to me especially if as she claims her parents knew and they rent just covering up for her?
There is no previous for this, no discussion on what ages are too young etc, like I said he's had a couple of girlfriends previously but one was his year as we knew her from primary school and the others ere either his year or the year below.
The shit isn't being caused by his brother but narrow minded twats, probably other boys who are jealous that the only kissing they get us with the back of their hands!
Why can't DS2 just say "She's only two years younger than him. What's your issue?"
And the rest of you say something similar.
You are making this into something much bigger than it needs to be, and in the process, no doubt, convincing DS1 that he was right to lie, all along.
I think its this whole paedo thing, it really gets my goat. Paedophilia is a horrible disgusting act and to call another person that, I really think these teenagers don't know the damage they are potentially causing.
I am firm but fair, and our top rule is no lying. In the past when ds1 has been caught lying and been punished (i.e. didn't take his sisters sweets, when he did) I've always made it clear the punishment is for lying. the punishments are minor as we're not talking huge misdemeanours, so no ps3 for one evening etc
But your son is not a paedophile, and is doing nothing wrong.
It's wrong of others to call him that, obviously. But now you are giving their nasty word credence, by trying to stop them from seeing each other.
He's a bit old for "punishment" now, really, don't you think? Perhaps get her over, sit them down and explain it was the lying and not the age difference that is the issue, and try to clear the air. In all likelihood, they will have split up by September, but there's also a possibility she may be round for much longer, and it would be better if you all got on well.
i dont see a huge issue, as long as theyre not having sex yet
I agree with other comments...if you forbid him to see her, he most certainly will see her. As has been said, you cannot monitor who he has in your house when you are at work, apart from which, as her parents are fine with it, he will still be welcome in their house so they can spend the whole of the summer holidays there if they wish! You are just creating a situation where he will lie, deceive and sneak around - not one where he will abide by your decision. I also agree that a mature 13/14 year old girl and an immature 15/16 year old boy are not poles apart.
When my niece was 14, she had an 18 month relationship with an 18 year old!!! Her parents were absolutely fine with it and even let him stay in her room at their house - now that I would not allow!!
I've told ds2 to deny being ds1's brother if anyone says anything to him again
Jesus christ - why? What the hell sort of warped thing to do is that? They are brothers they should be sticking up for each other, looking out for each other - not denying that they are brothers.
His brother is seeing not even having sex with a girl only 2 years younger than him... your DS2 needs to tell others that's perfectly normal and to mind their own bloody business anyway. She's 13 - a teenager, not 10 FGS.
No wonder your son lied to you if this is the kind of over reaction you have to things.
lots of 13 year old girls have relationships with boys who 16 and its fine (many 16 year old boys are not ready for sex yet either) but you are worried He lied, do you think he lied because he knew you would disapprove or because he is doing something that he knows is not right OR because his girl friend does not want you to contact her parents. I suspect the latter
I would meet with her parents and agree some ground rules, e.g. not being alone in the house together, back home before 8 etc etc.
I think your DS2 needs a firmer response to the paedo allegations, they really aren't nice at all and it's NOT ok to call someone paedophile when they're not, what horribly immature children. Don't make him deny he's his brother!
The relationship isn't a big deal, I think it will run its course like I said. If he's off to college/sixth form in September, a year 9 isn't going to be such an attractive proposition anymore. In 2 years time she still wont be legal so sex really is off the cards for a long time, he knows this. Just leave it, chances are it won't last and you're fretting about nothing.
He probably lied as he knew you'd over react.
this isn't the first time ds has had to deal with fall out from ds1's issues. An ex best friend of ds1's goes out of his way to call ds2 a fat cunt whenever he sees him just for being ds1's brother (he's not fat in anyway shape or form, but ds2 took this to heart and embarked on a eating strike, he is stocky, but he's much taller than average 11 yr old in fact is taller than his 15yr old brother, he's average weight for his height), so when ds2 said that he was going to deny ds1 was his brother, I said fine if that was how he felt and I could understand why. fwiw if you didn't know they were brothers you wouldn't guess as they look nothing like each other.
Ds1 doesn't ever seem to stick up for himself either, by not reacting and not responding it appears to have made the name calling worse, he does have victim written all over him and is immature for his age, not sensible at all.
I sent him a text this is what it says;
I want to speak to you and X and set some clear ground rules. Such s not allowed upstairs and no texting inappropriately. And I want to speak to X's parents face to face in the very near future to discuss this with them.
The onus is on you to behave appropriately as you are the one that would get into trouble even if she was in agreement with you and rightly so you would be the one in trouble as you are older.
You have done the right thing here. You should punish him for lying but not by stopping him seeing her because then he will feel like the victim and you will be the evil mother.
Think of something horrible for him to do he'll really hate.
TBH I can see why he lied if you have now banned him from seeing his GF, perhaps he 'knew' this would be the reaction.
As for the age difference its no big deal, just talk to him about the fact she's not yet legally able to have sex and any implications this might have for them both.
I have two children, 15 and 16 and have noticed that things like 'paedo' and 'racist' are banned about without much thought for their meanings.
Dont over react but give hime clear boundries and guidelines
I haven't read the whole thread but my gut reaction about you saying to end the relationship just justifies why they lied to begin with - they knew how you'd react. If she's a nice girl and you have brought ds up with morals then there's no issue. I would talk to them together and also to ds separately re sex but other than that make sure you're available so ds gels he can come and talk to you.
I went to a girls school yet a 12 yo girl in my class dated (and slept with) a 19yo - that I have an issue with!
Gosh - that's a bit harsh.
When I was just 16 I very nearly ended up sleeping with a girl... until my friend's girlfriend said "You do know she's 13, right?"
Didn't look like it, with hair up and fag on; she was horrified she'd been split on.
She was 13 and certainly far more worldly wise than me. I backed away hastily holding on to my V card until I was just under 18, for a girl then older than me.
If he's a bright lad it should be fine, I would have thought.
I've told ds2 to deny being ds1's brother if anyone says anything to him again
WTF? That is, quite frankly, bonkers. It also won't help DS2 deal with the situation, because clearly the people who are saying this to him know they're brothers.
Honestly OP, you are being very harsh here. Your DS lied because he knew you'd ban him from seeing the girl if you knew how old she is. He was in a no-win situation! A 2 year age gap is nothing, and if they split up just because of peer pressure re. the academic year difference, then that's their decision to make.
Punish him for lying, but please don't stop these young people having a (supervised) relationship! That's incredibly cruel and will store up a whole heap of trouble for the future - don't give him such a perfectly justifiable excuse to rebel against you against during his GCSE year!
An ex friend of ds1 having a go at ds2 is not ds1s fault it is the fault of the boy doing it.
Ds1 not responding is his way of dealing with hurtful things. It is not you way. But that is your problem.
You do need to have an adult conversation with him about the physical, emotional, moral and legal implications of under age relationships.
But that is all.
Jeez when I was 16 i dated a 26 yr old and my Mum didnt go off like you. She did exactly the right thing and trusted that she had brought me up well and given me thw sense and thw tools to deal with it. It fizzled out very quickly, very naturally and with no damage because I wasnt rebelling.
hes finished his gcses, before all of this emerged.
I would not have reacted like this if he'd told the truth from the start, truthful conversation about age gap rather than school gap, is all it would have taken. I have given no cause until last night for him and her to lie to me with regard to ages? even when I asked when the first rumours were heard I just asked for them to tell me the truth I didn't say I wouldn't condone relationship or that it was inappropriate. I just can't get my head around why they lied in the first place, there honestly was no reason for them to do so?
How well does a son know a mother?
I suspect better than you may think... ergo his choice.
Well I thought it was sorted but now his dads got involved (ds1 told him) and hes gone off on one big style. Called me all sorts if I allow it and how ds1 is not allowed by the school anymore except on the day of collecting results.
Told ds1 categorically that she is too young and that hes not allowed to see her again if he catches him with her then he'll bring him home.
... ah, so perhaps he knew what would happen if anyone found out...
and there you have why your DS lied, because both you and his dad have totally flipped.
Daisy, do you live with your DS's dad?
If not why does his dad have the final word in what your DS is allowed to do, where he is allowed to go and who he allowed to see?
And if he does - then WTF does he get away with - 'calling you all sorts'?
no he doesn't live with us, I did make him leave and told him to apologise to ds1 as we had it sorted. I wasn't even going to mention the age thing to his dad, but ds1 told him. I am surprised by his reaction tbh and that hes not listening to me at all, we have a good relationship or so I though
We have 60/40 shared care to me. its a big stinking mess that would have all been sorted now and calm but now xh.
I have apologised to ds1 fwiw, and he accepted my apology. The girl has also apologised for lying and so has ds1.
so is he going to be seeing this girl despite what his dad said, or has the relationship been banned?
I actually had a chat with my DS(15) last night and asked him his thoughts. He has said that its a no, she is too young, it would be ok if she was a year younger, but not two.
As a 16yr old he would be looking for a different type of relationship to a 13yr old and should stop seeing her.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I also agree with Greenkit and I think that parents are quite right in discouraging boys of 16 and over, 'going out' with girls under the age of consent. It only takes them to get carried away and sex to happen once and the boy's future can be ruined (the girl's too, obv, but for different reasons).
I don't know. Ive spent today dealing with the fallout from xh. The shouting has really affected the younger three. Ds2 has been particularly foul.
Ive told ds1 that whilst I can't condone the relationship I can't ban it either. Another conversation with me spelling out exactly what could happen and how he needs to protect himself with regards to being above reproach at all times no physical contact no being alone no sexting or even ambiguous messaging.
Most of his relationship are short term anyway so hopefully once the no one can tell us we cant see each other stage passes it will just fizzle out.
If not then im stuck again.
No physical contact?! Not even a kiss and cuddle? Don't think THAT'S ever gonna happen!
You can't police their every move FFS. Certainly not now he's not in school. So you need to find a way to drag a line in the sand that they WILL respect.
And as for DS2 disowning his brother
Oh yes I meant other than kissing and cuddling im not that naive.
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