Kids that don't go out.(46 Posts)
Do other people's dcs go out? Do they spend time with friends? Or perhaps take part in hobbies?
My 12 and 13 yo refuse to join any extra curricular activities, school or otherwise. They both have a few friends who live very locally to us. Their friends seem to be busy most evenings and weekends with activities (tennis, martial arts, Guides, youth club etc) so are not available for my kids to spend time with.
I have nagged, encouraged, cajoled etc etc, but they won't join anything. We live in a medium size town and there's quite a bit of choice, but they simply won't.
When they were little I ferried them to Beavers, swimming, gymnastics, martial arts, street dance etc, but since they started High school they do nothing. Go to school, come home, stay in their rooms, maybe play out for the odd hour or so once a week when a local friend calls, but that's it.
The thought of a looming 7 week summer break with both of them hanging around the house all day is already filling me with dread. I used to enrol them in summer activity days at the local leisure centre, but they're too old now to be accepted.
Do they dislike all your suggestions?
13yo DS does Scouts & games workshop but little else (no local friends).
It's not a lack of choice, if anything there's too much choice.
They seem to prefer to chill out at home combined with the fact that joining something means making an effort and they can't be bothered.
Part of me would like to see them more involved and doing more with their lives. Another part of me would just like to see them out from behind their TVs, tablets, games consoles, phones etc.
Is that part of the problem I wonder? Too much entertainment in their bedrooms? Maybe I'd have been the same at their ages if I'd had all that in my bedroom.
What entertainment do they actually have in bedrooms? DS has books to read, Warhammer & an iPad, but nothing else (can't find his phone).
Both got TV with freeview. Both got smart phones with Internet (with web protection). Boy got Xbox, ps and wii. Girl got a tablet and a laptop also with web protection. That's just the main electronic stuff. Also old Nintendo ds, CD players, radio. Plus of course books, games, toys etc.
Are they spoilt? Is that why they won't go out?
Dd is asking for a mini fridge for her room for Xmas and I have said no to that.
I wouldn't say spoilt, but certainly comfortable! . I'm sure plenty of kids hanging on random street corners & planning mischief have similar stuff in their bedrooms, too. Try to look on the bright side.
Mine went to an outdoor adventure place for the day, half term week. Abseiling, archery, Big zipper type stuff. £36/day, though, per child, not cheap! Anything they want to do outside at this age seems to cost ££.
I was like that when I was that age. I hated organised activity and when I was forced to take part (school trips, for example), I was miserable. You've offered, they've declined - do you really want to force them into something they don't want to do?
I think at that age, they're old enough to entertain themselves really - surely they can help out at home and generally just amuse themselves? Their friends may well have more spare time over the holidays as well and I'm sure they'll invite people over/go to friends houses more than they might during the term.
Gawd, leave them at home and go to a cafe on your own during the holidays!
DS (14) doesn't do any organised activities outside school at the moment. He did do climbing, but that was at 9.30am on weekend mornings, and apparently expecting a teenager to get out of bed for that was too much to ask...
He does go and hang out with friends sometimes - more in the summer holidays/when the weather is good - and he goes to gigs quite often; he plays the guitar, and there is a vague sort of band arrangement with a few friends, but I can't remember when they last practised. When he doesn't go out, a lot of 'socialising' takes place on Facebook/twitter/skype etc.
I just leave him to it - at that age they know their own interests, and I don't think forcing them into group activities is a good idea. I know I would have hated it.
Oh dear. I have a friend whose just coming out the teenage years with her dd and her advice was that I'd have to go out to get a break from them.
It's all a bit alien to me and dh. At 13 we both had Saturday jobs and worked during the school hols. Dh did organised activities as well, I didn't, but hung about in all weathers with my mates. Dh and I can both remember our mums complaining that we were never home.
Anyone know where I can get a job working evenings and weekends? I might as well earn some money if I've got to be out of the house to get some peace.
I think when mine were that age, My DS did army cadets twice a week and some weekends but that was it really didn't really go out with his friends.
My DD didn't really have many friends at that age she didn't settle in high school very well, but she did sometimes go to the park with the few she had.
By the time they were about 15 they were always out with or here with hoards of over teenagers.
Could you not just give them money and tell them to go swimming to the park for a few hours a day if you get fed up with them hanging around?
Well I have two hermits here so I'd love to know the answer.
Mines stock answer is well at least you know where I am and I dont do drink drugs or smoke...
I just empty his bin and close the door behind me.
Since Friday after school the only time my 14yr old DD has stepped outside was to put the recycling out for me, which took all of 30 secs.
Be glad you know where they are, that they are safe and not out getting drunk, doing drugs and stealing 😊
bastarddog, my kids are 13 and 14 and exactly the same. They rarely go anywhere or do anything, apart from the odd birthday party or trip to the cinema. We have one shared laptop which they fight over,they each have an iPod. Where we live we have rubbish Internet access.
DS 13 has spent the entire weekend on the sofa playing Minecraft with his school friend via Skype.
DD 14 has spent hours washing her hair and sorting out her room.
They don't have any friends who live within walking distance. I ask them frequently if they would like to go out and do something different, but they rarely do.
Son belongs to a local archery club but I have to drag him out to go there. They have both dropped out of scouts and guides.
I had both a horse and an illicit boyfriend plus a Saturday job at the age of 14 so was never at home !
I am just hoping that in another year they will grow out of this. I am very concerned about their lack of exercise because I do quite a lot but they will not join me. DH is working overseas so no help at all!
Do you limit their Internet access? . Perhaps, during the summer, you could restrict Internet access until after 4. It might encourage them to go out.
I had both a horse and an illicit boyfriend plus a Saturday job.
I still thought that I was a horse at 14. I used to gallop around, and neigh at people.
Goodasgold I used to do that too ( whinnies and paws the ground ).
Did your boyfriend go to the "Wrong school" ?
Icantremember...mine will only go out if I put them in the car and physically drive them somewhere.
DS has now left Scouts, and has no hobbies as such.
Both DSSs just hang around the house also.
I offer to drive them to friends' houses, have friends over etc.
DS does do that now and again, but it definitely is different from when I was the same age - I was never in the house. But I guess I didn't have the internet, hundreds of tv channels etc.
Oops sorry Goodasgold...misunderstood you there.....
I don't really like it that they don't 'play out' - but haven't enforced it. They all go to different schools slightly out of area - so friends are spread out across the distri
I think the teen years can go this way sometimes.
I have friends who can't get their DC interested in anyhting.
My own DD is a commensurate joiner-inner, and we struggle to get her into her room. Often too over scheduled. DS, however, is far more happy just hanging.
That said, he plays sports, so there is always training and matches/events. He's not too sociable though, so unlike his sister is extremely unlikely to just call up a friend for a mooch.
OP, how about approaching the summer vac proactively?
Why not tell htem now, that they aint spending all day every day hanging about? Then ask them what they'd like to do. Give some suggestions too.
You'll often find tennis camps at local tennis clubs, footie camps in schools, swimming/lifesaving/diving courses in swimming pools.
If they say they don't want scheduled activities (and I would quite understand that) put the ball in their court.
Drag out the diary. Ask them which friends they'd like over. Could they camp in the garden? Get it booked in!
My kids are too old for the 8am to 6pm holiday clubs that we use to
dump put them into while we went to work but around here the leisure centres do one day 10am to 4pm wall climbing courses, for example, for different age groups including teenagers. Then there is fencing, badminton etc etc. Other providers hire out the facilities at the local 'closed for the summer' schools and offer stuff like pottery and cooking classes.
There are options out there. You just need to look
Going back to your other point, we solved the problem of our kids not wanting to go out by getting rid of Sky a few years ago. They still got the PC and their gadgets but after a few hours of that they get bored and plead to go out somewhere, anywhere. Problem solved.
Sounds like they are a bit over-provided for in their rooms. God forbid they turn into the lazy 18-yr old on another active thread right now.
I agree with comment up thread about restricting internet - I can restrict access to social sites etc at certain times if I want to. No food allowed in bedrooms so they have to come out when they're hungry.
Loud mum music and hoovering usually shifts mine off their arses.
Mine are a bit shy and not keen on organised activities but will admit to getting bored of screens eventually. Bought a cheap and cheerful badminton set from Decathlon which gets used a lot. Having some tennis lessons at a local club. Walking the dogs, compulsory.
DD and I will probably do some cooking - luckily as she's getting older, she can manage more on her own. DS actually likes cooking too but would never admit it. Actually, I think I might challenge them to take over one night a week planning and cooking dinner - just thought of that, genius .
Maybe we should start another thread for suggestions for reluctant teenagers' summer (in)activities?
When DSis and I were that age, both our parents worked so we were expected to run the house during the summer. We wouldn't do much in the morning - remember mum calling me at 1pm to make sure I was out of bed, but the afternoons were spent doing housework (eg, washing, ironing, hoovering, dusting) and making sure dinner was on the table for dad coming home at 5.30pm. Could you make that your threat: do something or do the housework?
Mine are happy at home.
I really don't see the problem.
Ds2 is nearly 14.
He has mates around and goes out to play a lot - kicking a ball on the fields, they bomb round on their bikes, slouch around from one house to another.
He goes to scouts.
He goes to the pictures a lot, sometimes with friends sometimes by himself.
He often goes swimming with his mates and also to ice skating.
The town have had a huge youth building built but He refuses to go there as do his mates.
they need something to do imo but at their ages I think guides and scouts would be boring Id
tell ask them to find something to do over the summer and they are not allowed to sit in all day every day it is UP to them to find it or look for something they want to do even if it is with friends they are old enough to entertain themselves,
did they do any activities when they were younger and give up, TBh dd2 doesnt go out that much but will meet friends
why should teenagers be forced to socialise if they don't want to? if they're at home reading/playing games/sleeping - what's the harm? they're not hurting anyone, they're safe and not spending all
your their money on bus fares or food.
speaking from my own experience, i resented being forced to be social and was determined to hate every second of it. if you leave them with nothing to do they WILL eventually get bored and entertain themselves.
Ds1 is nearly 22. He does not go out. His best friend from college moved to England and they communicate by skype etc. He has no other friends and is unemployed at the moment. He has gained loads of weight and I am very worried about him. He says he is happy enough and we have great chats and laughs etc. But surely there should be more to life than that for him? Encourage your dcs to go out at all times or it will be worse the older they get.
I was saying they have to be social or go out all the time the dds are homebodies and they dont do tonnes of activities wel dd1 is an adult but I think they need to do something being stuck indoors all the time and Never going out is really unusual they do seem to have loads at home these days and teenagers socilaise through the internet now anyway, but it is nice to go out with friends now and again isn't it ?
Sure, I wasn't saying that being sociable and going out isn't important - of course it is! But most teenagers hate forced organised activities and I would have hated my parents to "arrange" things for me at that age. I was more than capable of calling my friends if I was bored and of entertaining myself if my friends weren't around.
I know a lot of people say teenagers spend too much time indoors, but would they be any different if they were raised now? There's much more entertainment available, for free, indoors, than there was even ten years ago. I went out as a kid because it was that or watch maybe 4 channels on TV or read the same books over and over. Now there's much more entertainment available.
It's really difficult to find affordable summer camps for 13 to 15 year olds. Last summer I was working so I refused to let them stay home alone and play computer games all day.They went to day camp at a local boarding school which cost about £50 per day. They did lots of sports and games.
They enjoyed the first week but after that the novelty wore off. There were a lot of foreign school children there so they learned some interesting swear words in German and Russian !
mine is not yet 13 but there are things she is willing to do and we found a lot of options for this summer. She has not yet decided entirely what she will sign up for but the options are there and she is interested in doing them (sewing -she is doing a 3 day course now, drawing mangas, tennis camp at her club -she plays there anyway, church teen camp, artwork course for something weird, Go course- the Japanese game). She can do what she wants of it but I do look for things before the holidays.
Depending on where you live (we are overseas), there can be a lot for dc 13/14. I don't think you mentioned whether they are boys or girls or where their interests lie. Maybe they are just a bit worn out from secondary school and need to unwind.
I would kick them outdoors every morning after breakfast though. They can play with ipads, read books outdoors as easily as indoors. Send them on errands- it will get them out of the house and moving around.
DD (8) and DSS2 (15) are going to a US summer camp for four weeks this summer. They went (together) for the first time last summer, for three weeks, and loved it. I really think that the US leads the world in summer camps and recommend this experience to anyone who can afford it.
That's an awful lot of screens they have. What do/ would they say if you restrict their access? Are you going to be around this summer? It'll be hard to monitor their use if not, but I'd be thinking of something drastic if mine were spending that long on their own. Any relatives on the outer Hebrides? Can you take them camping somewhere without wifi?
travelledtheworld yes as it happens. And neigh neigh huurumphh.
goodasgold & travelled - did you also set up jumps in the back garden and jump them yourselves to the Horse of the Year theme music like I did?!!
My eldest DS hates being forced into arranged activities and would happily play computer games all day long whereas my DS2 is hardly in the house!
I just let them get on with it now.
Yes, we made jumps out of broom handles and tin cans and would gallop round...
Was quite little then, 8 or 9. Stated to scrounge other people's ponies at age 10.
bonsoir yes the USA leads the world in summer camps but that's because they have 10 week school vacation in the summer and most Americans only get two weeks annual leave. Parents are desperate to keep their kids entertained/ educated/ enriched for the long summer vacation.
We lived in the USA for 7 years. My kids did not want to go to Summer camp there either. But they were under 10 then and happily entertained with a lawn sprinkler or down at the local pool.
Horsemad and travelled Yes, if you mean dodododododododododo. I still hear that internally when I ride my bike.
Ahgood that takes me right back.
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