15 year old teenage daughter has been beaten by her boyfriend and refusing to talk to police - He's in the same school

(33 Posts)
jsjones21 Tue 11-Jun-13 19:52:58

Daughter beaten by her boyfriend and I have taken to the local hospital. Very bruised. She has refused to talk to the police. He attends the same school. I have visited the school and they said that they can not do anything because the attack took place outside of school, but would inform his parents subject to my daughter's approval. She's finding it difficult and is not sure what to do.

jsjones21 Tue 11-Jun-13 19:55:42

I want to know what should the school be doing to support my daughter. I don't want him anywhere near her. Where can she go to receive support?

RandomMess Tue 11-Jun-13 19:57:26

Surely if she is a minor you can report to the police? I would report it to the school as bullying - what is there bullying policy?

lljkk Tue 11-Jun-13 19:58:04

School can provide a safe place for her to go to if she feels threatened. IME they will talk to the boy but very informally, they can't do more.

I think you could go to the police without your DD's permission, have a chat about your options & at least ask them to be aware in case something happens in public should they get together again.

Ohhelpohnoitsa Tue 11-Jun-13 19:58:22

Oh my goodness, your poor daughter. I have no advice to give but couldnt leave you unanswered. I can only imagine how you are feeling, good luck op flowers

MaureenMLove Tue 11-Jun-13 19:59:09

The school should be doing something! Regardless of it it happened outside of school, it is clearly going to affect both of them in school, so therefore it becomes their business.

I would speak to the school again and ask them how they are going to support your dd. That's not on for them to wash their hands of it.

Hope she's OK and you can get her to speak to someone.

BeauNidle Tue 11-Jun-13 20:01:11

That is awful, poor girl. I think that it has to come from your dd if the police are to do anything.

Not 100% sure on this, but if chrges were to be pressed, she would have to give it the say so.

I hope she is ok.

Go to the police and report it yourself.

I see this a lot and IMO by not reporting it or allowing her not to report it you are minimising the crime and not being a responsible parent.

Ask her just how much he loves her? A shit load less than everyone who walks past her in the street every day it seems as they can refrain from hospitalising her.

Go straight to the police too as you would reporting any crime. Do not approach him or his parents.

lljkk Tue 11-Jun-13 20:04:55

Teen DS got beaten up by another lad few months back so I feel we have been thru this. The school has limited powers, I would still have the PCSOs around to chat. If nothing else they could bolster OP's DD into understanding that she does not deserve this, she must not let it happen again.

BeauNidle Tue 11-Jun-13 20:11:21

To add to my earlier post, your DD is probably in shock at the moment, and will need a bit of time for the severity of what he has done to sink in.

Maybe tomorrow, she will want to talk to someone official about it
Hopefully.

jsjones21 Tue 11-Jun-13 20:51:47

I don't want to lose my daughter's trust. Although, I don't want her to feel that nobody cares. It's a fine balance with teenagers.

Sorry am failing to understand.

If this was a 13 year old would you go to the police? A 11 year old?

It has nothing to do with trust IMO. Sometimes we have to do things our kids don't like or disagree with because we are their parents.

If a stranger had done this would you go to the police?

VivaLeBeaver Tue 11-Jun-13 20:57:09

You need to send your dd a clear message that this is not acceptable, do this by reporting to the police.

You don't want her thinking its something that shouldn't be reported or its possible that in future relationships as an adult it's something she will put up with.

The school should be doing something and so should you, report this to the police.

MustafaCake Tue 11-Jun-13 21:00:13

She's a child.

You are an adult.

You need to report it to the police.

RhondaJean Tue 11-Jun-13 21:04:11

Good lord no you have got to take a stand on this and report it. I would also suggest you contact women's aid for advice on how to best support her.

DumSpiroSpero Tue 11-Jun-13 21:04:13

Your poor DD - can't even begin to get my head around that sort of thing happening at such a young age (my DD is only 8).

I can totally see where you are coming from re jeopordising her trust/confidence, but agree with other who have said you must report it to the police.

It is assault, pure and simple. You wouldn't let a stranger get away with treating her like that, this is no different - in fact it's worse and not reporting him sets an extremely dangerous precedent.

If you report and she refuses to talk to the police, that is her choice but at least you know you have done the right thing.

MsGee Tue 11-Jun-13 21:30:32

Contact the DV person at the police station to talk to her. They will do it with sensitivity. Then see if there are healthy relationships workshops near you.

Violence and abuse in relationships amongst young people is increasing - all agencies are aware of this and tackling it will be a priority. To be blunt they will think that if they can set your DD on the right path now she won't be a victim in the future.

I'm sorry your DD is going through this. However, be aware her boyfriend may have ground down her confidence for some time before doing this so she will need a lot of support and for you to take the lead.

suburbophobe Tue 11-Jun-13 22:23:58

Violence and abuse in relationships amongst young people is increasing

This sends shivers down my spine...... I don't doubt that it is not true.

I went through this. At that age (I was 18-21), you really don't know your own power and they grind you down, verbally first.

You owe it to your daughter to take the lead in this and report it to the police. By doing so you are giving her the message that it is not acceptable, hopefully it will be the start of her healing.

I can't believe the school is taking that stance. It is shocking!

Angelodelighto Tue 11-Jun-13 22:26:02

Seriously, she's too young to make that decision.

Do it for her.

Be her parent.

Chubfuddler Tue 11-Jun-13 22:27:48

The school probably can't do much unless outside agencies intervene.

You need to report this to the police op. sorry but you do. Your dd needs you to step up, regardless of what she thinks she wants. Do it and prove to her DV is not a special type of violence, it is violence and it is wrong.

specialsubject Tue 11-Jun-13 22:32:53

your daughter has been the victim of a violent assault. You know who did it.

report it, and get the help you both need to keep her safe in future.

hope they throw away the key.

FannyFifer Tue 11-Jun-13 22:34:50

I agree, in this case you be the grown up and report to the police.

MeowMaow Tue 11-Jun-13 22:39:56

Report it yourself.

Explain to your daughter that you love her and you need to do this as a decent parent.

She may be relieved that the decision is taken form her hands. She might be too scared to do it herself.

ushush Tue 11-Jun-13 22:46:58

Can I just say, as someone who is close to,your daughter's age and has a friend who had a similar problem. Help her please. It must be the police. I also know the school cannot do much unless it happened on school property and time.

Give her a big hug from me.

HollaAtMeBaby Tue 11-Jun-13 22:51:57

Report to the police. Please.

therumoursaretrue Tue 11-Jun-13 22:52:33

Your poor daughter. Is her boyfriend in the same school year, do they share any classes?

I supported a close friend through this at the same age as your DD. Her situation got much worse and the severity of the assaults increased before she cut all ties and things got better.

Please go to the police. Your DD will thank you in the long run.

flow4 Wed 12-Jun-13 00:16:08

I am so sorry, js. Your poor daughter. Poor you.

This website is aimed specifically at teenagers: thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/ . It has various contacts here.

Childline can support your DD if she wants to chat online or phone them. There is also a website called The Hideout which has been created by Women's Aid to support children and young people.

You can also ask your GP to refer her to counselling. If your GP can't, the NSPCC or Women's Aid may be able to help.

You may also want to help your DD make a safety plan. This basically involves thinking through possible risks/worrying situations in advance (e.g. bumping into him at school, him trying to hurt her again, etc.) and deciding what she wants to do if the worst happens, and making sure she has 'phone numbers and anything else she might need in a future emergency.

I would want to go to the police, too. But I will be a slightly dissenting voice here and say that I do think it needs to be your daughter's decision. DV is not just a violent crime, it is also about misuse of power. Your DD will be feeling very dis-empowered right now, and as her parent, you need most of all to help her feel re-empowered again. Having a choice about what she does, and being supported by you to make the decision (and to change her mind if she wants to) will probably help her. On the other hand, if she really does not want to go to the police, and you force her to, you may add to her feelings of powerlessness.

FWIW, I have some experience... My eldest son has been beaten up by known people three times. The first time I did not let him make the decision, and I called the police and the school. The police investigated and interviewed the perpetrator and other children (it happened as kids got off the school bus and was witnessed); but there wasn't enough evidence for them to take action, and my son (and I) felt very let down. The school 'kept an eye on things' but nothing more. My son was very angry with me, and said it made things more difficult for him because he became the subject of gossip, as the older boy and others talked about what had happened, and laughed about him 'needing his mummy' to sort things out. sad

After that, I let him decide what he wanted to do, and each time he decided he did not want to involve the police.

The sad truth is that DV is even harder to 'prove' and prosecute than other forms of assault, because it tends to happen in private with no witnesses. If you/your DD decide to go to the police, please try to keep her expectations low because it is unlikely that he will be 'punished' much or at all. sad I think she needs to understand that she is reporting him because she wants to take a stand/'stand up to him', and because it might help protect other girls in future, but that it might not lead to much or 'fix' anything for her.

I wish 'the system' was better at dealing with these situations - I think young people are badly let down when they are victims of crime.

Good luck.

brdgrl Wed 12-Jun-13 00:20:39

What? She's a child, a minor.
You report it. Right away.

Please. Don't let her down, not protecting her physically would be a greater breach of trust.

LondonBus Wed 12-Jun-13 00:39:32

She is only 15. She needs you to be her mother and take control of the situation. You need to inform the police.

sashh Wed 12-Jun-13 07:10:52

You need to report this. It is a crime.

Dear jsj's dd

He will do this again. By not reporting this you have given him permission to do this to you and to other females.

I hope he is no longer your boyfriend because if he is you will be assaulted again by him.

You have experienced a violent crime and you must be in shock and upset that it is someone you know and trusted. But you have to give a report to the police. You can ask them to not take action if you want, but this must be documented.

If you don't report it your mother has to. It is her responsibility to look after you. There was an amendment to the law last year, the Domestic Violence, Crime and Victims (Amendment) Act 2012, it means your mother can be prosecuted for "causing or allowing a person to suffer serious physical harm."

Now your mum could not tell this was going to happen the first time, but she knows if you stay with him it will happen again.

Who do you think deserves to be punished?

You? - that's bf beating you down mentally
Mum? - what has she done wrong?
exbf- that's who has caused the harm.

Please please report this to the police and cooperate with them.

lljkk Wed 12-Jun-13 12:56:52

I totally get the trust thing. But Your DD has no right to ask you to collude in her doing self-destructive things. Letting this go completely, brushing under the carpet, it's self-destructive.

The police will not pursue this if she refuses to make a statement (formal, written, signed). So there's no harm in her talking to them. IME the police will not pressure anyone to file charges (or whatever it's called in UK law), though they will give their opinions which may feel like pressure, they will make the situation her choice.

NotAnotherPackedLunch Wed 12-Jun-13 14:47:15

I'm really sorry that this has happened to your DD. It needs to be reported. It doesn't go away.

My teenage boyfriend became increasingly violent, but was never made to face any consequences for his actions. Decades later I'm still angry that I just took it . I recently found out that he has moved to the same city as me and the prospect of accidentally meeting haunts me. Please don't let your DD be saddled with this horrible feeling of anxiety and unfinished business.

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