16 yr old DS wants girlfriend to stay night in his bed

(61 Posts)
Trinity50 Sat 11-May-13 23:03:35

My ds is 16 (17 in September). We have a pretty good relationship and he is generally a fairly sensible, well behaved boy, and is doing well at school. He has been going out with his girlfriend for 6 months now and has just asked if she could stay the night in his room. The trouble is, she is only 15 (16 in October). We had a long chat and it turns out they are having a sexual relationship as i had suspected. She is on the pill and he uses condoms as well. Her mum is apparently quite happy for her to stay overnight. I am reluctant to let her stay in his room due to her age - it would look like I am condoning it, plus DS's younger sister is only 12. I am pleased he has felt able to talk to me about his relationship but I suppose my main concern is that his girlfriend is not 16. My dh has just said 'no' as she is under 16. DS had a very rare strop and just thinks we are out of touch with things as we are older parents. Probably a stupid question, but would the police ever prosecute a 16 year old for child abuse for having sex with a 15 year old?
Any advice is much appreciated!

sashh Sun 12-May-13 10:10:30

Not sure about prosecuting your son,technically yes, practically I doubt it. I think you could be prosecuted though.

October is not that far away, make him wait.

If it is just the legality and you are happy with the relationship then she could have his room, make him sleep on the sofa and ignore any doors opening in the night.

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 12-May-13 10:12:21

No way. Not with her being underage.

TWinklyLittleStar Sun 12-May-13 10:15:11

Yes he could be prosecuted, or at the very least if she or her mother reported him - and it happens! - he would be interviewed, almost certainly under arrest.

SirChenjin Sun 12-May-13 10:15:20

Your house, your rules. I'm not sure the police would be interested, but I'm surprised that her parents are condoning underage sex. If you don't want it in your house, then no is a complete sentence (as they say here on MN!). It is not your responsibility to provide your teenage with a bed in which to shag.

Scruffey Sun 12-May-13 10:16:05

I would tell him yes for October and until then, you could allow him to stay at her house.

Personally I would allow it now because I think he sounds sensible and it is an established relationship.

mum23girlys Sun 12-May-13 10:17:01

I wouldn't allow it either as she is underage. Surprised at her mum tbh. Maybe I'm out if touch too but I've 3 girls and no way I'd allow them to stay at a boyfriends house. Glad they are taking sensible precautions and you've obviously raised a sensible boy but still my answer would be no.

Go with your gut instinct and don't be pressured into anything that makes you uneasy

Londonseye Sun 12-May-13 10:19:08

I agree, I would say October would be fine, if you are fine with it then. It's lovely he can speak to you! October will seem so far away for him, but clearly they have been managing without sleeping over!

Bowlersarm Sun 12-May-13 10:20:04

No I don't think he would be prosecuted although technically he could be. They are close in age and the police wouldn't waste their time over it.

I wouldn't allow it in my house though, she would be in a separate room. He will say to you that "you are so old fashioned" "everybody else is allowed to" etc, but that isn't the case. Very very few of my friends let their 16/17 year olds sleep knowingly with boyfriends/girlfriends.

alemci Sun 12-May-13 10:26:14

I don't think you should allow it particularly with having younger children in the house. What is wrong with being old fashioned and having some morals.

SoupDragon Sun 12-May-13 10:27:44

I also wouldn't allow it because she is underage.

LIZS Sun 12-May-13 10:30:17

no. She's underage and I'm doubtful about whether her mum is really happy about it (do you know her ?). Your house and your rules .

Delayingtactic Sun 12-May-13 10:32:26

I don't know. I would allow my dd (if i had one) at that age to sleep over at her bf house and my son to have his gf over if they were sensible and understood clearly the risks of unprotected sex.

I started dating my DH when I was 15 and he was 17. My mom marched me down to the GP and I was on the pill way before we actually started having sex. You know they are already having sex so I can't see the big deal about it.

I cannot imagine the police giving a crap about this but even if by some weird twist of fate everything goes tits up, she or her mother reports him, the police might question him but they would never have enough to go down the route of prosecution - they have much bigger fish to fry and a conviction would be hard to secure.

JeanPaget Sun 12-May-13 10:39:16

I wouldn't allow it until October.

Personally (although obviously you're a much better judge of your son) I'd be a bit hmm at his claim that his girlfriend's mum is fine with it, unless you've spoken to the mother yourself. If the mum really has no problem with it then why is your DS so keen for his girlfriend to come to yours, rather than just going over to her house?

chocoluvva Sun 12-May-13 12:24:38

I'd speak to her mum about it.

I would allow it when the girl is 16 and not a second before.
( have just waved goodbye to DS 16 yr old GF as she is off to watch DS play football with DH)
They have been dating for 9 months and no sex yet. I know this because DS over shares way too much smile

CarpeVinum Sun 12-May-13 12:44:15

No.

My mum was very "modern" for the early/mid 80s.

Her policy was "well what can you do? You can't stop them!" and "I'd rather they were doing it in a safe place than in a car parked in a dogdy area"

I had my own qualms about how fast things were moving...but there didn't seem any back back if even my own mother thought that my being sexually active was no big deal to the point where she abdicated all responsibility.

I think an aditionally issue was that once she removed all and any attempt to provide a boundry in that arena I felt like the basis of the relationship had been redefined. So I started pushing in a wide variety of directions trying to find where my push would meet a solid wall of resistance. The pushing made our relationship very diffiuclt at a time when she could handle a downturn the least and ..she sort of just...gave up.

As an adult I have a far better understanding of what she was going through and how hard I was to handle once Pandora's box was open. At the time I wobbled between thinking she was a pretty cool mum all things considered and plunging into depression becuase ai needed an anchor, a wall of limits to cling to or blame for my own reticence....and On some level I felt she didn't love me enough to fight me to keep said defences in place.

So, for me no. Although I will do my best to review that and try not to make decisions based only on the filter of my own teenage years when I get to that point when DS is asking for the same dispensation.

Just don't know if I can get past my misgivings that it could be a huge mistake and be misinterptreted as being disinterested enough to care or a form of shoving the baby bird put the nest and saying "you want to fly, well fly then, on your own head be it".

I guess any one parental postion on this is going to coloured by their own experiences and the very individual nature of their own growing child's realtionship and maturity level.

CarpeVinum Sun 12-May-13 12:45:20

edit

but there didn't seem any back way back

Kleinzeit Sun 12-May-13 13:29:08

Speaking as an older parent myself….. tell your DS that it’s only old hippies who let everyone sleep with everyone, and that times have changed since free love in the 1970s grin

specialsubject Sun 12-May-13 13:32:46

the law is the law. Without losing a clearly good relationship between you and your son, condoning law-breaking sets a bad example.

good on them for the pill and the condoms, but until it is legal tell them 'not in this house'.

Ragwort Sun 12-May-13 13:37:29

No I wouldn't allow it; even if they were both over 16 I wouldn't allow it. I just don't get why parents have to be so 'chummy' with their own children - I know young people are going to have sex but why should parents provide the bed? We all managed behind the bike sheds or wherever grin.

No wonder so many kids don't leave home these days, its all so comfortable.

My 'cool' friend was happy to allow her DD to bring a BF home, once she had agreed to one there was a never ending stream of different boyfriends - as she then said, she didn't want to have to face her DD's BF when she was in her dressing gown on a Sunday morning grin.

TSSDNCOP Sun 12-May-13 13:37:59

I'm in the no camp.

If her mum's that ok with it he can stay at her house. But I bet she's not that cool actually.

My concern would be that it's all well and good at the moment, but if their relationship turns sour might they turn the tables on DS and use her age as a weapon? You never know how some people tick.

chocoluvva Sun 12-May-13 13:38:00

I think I know what you mean Carpe. Although in the case of the OP's DS and his GF they're already sexually active, so she wouldn't be preventing them having sex at this tender age.

OP, is there any practical reason for your DS's GF to stay over at yours?

If you say no - and you would be completely entitled to for various reasons - what do you think will be the consequence? Would your DS end up spending more time at his GF's home instead? Would he stop telling you things? Will he express his annoyance at your 'unreasonableness' (as her perceives it) in a harmful way? Or would he just huff and puff and accept it?

BackforGood Sun 12-May-13 13:54:48

No way (I have a 16 yr old ds too, although a school year older than yours). It's just condoning it.

middleeasternpromise Sun 12-May-13 13:56:18

You dont sound like you feel comfortable with this idea OP so why would you consider it? If you fear your son will not maintain his steady path of progress and relationship with you then he isnt as level headed and sensible as you first thought.

The law is clear, and if her mother or father decided to report it then it will be followed up by the police. The pill and condom use doesnt prevent against unwanted pregnancy half as much as you think it will. Im assuming you will support both with an early child if that is the consequence of their relationship? If your answer is no then why are you supporting them in their sexual relationship?

Of course the world has changed and of course things are different but 16 year olds still dont earn enough money to support these adult choices otherwise he wouldnt be asking you if he can use his childhood bedroom in your house for his girlfriend to sleep over.

As you can guess Im not a supporter of the new thinking as I see too many lovely young people and their lovely parents stuck with situations no one really wants to take any responsibility for. I do believe the parenting job is to be the older, wiser and sometimes unpopular dispenser of boundary setting and good (maybe old fashioned) advice.

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 12-May-13 14:01:49

Just posted this on another thread wink

My promise to my Kids: I am not your friend. I am your Mother. I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare & hunt you down like a bloodhound when needed because I LOVE YOU! When you understand that, I will know you are a responsible adult.

Agree with Ragwort 'I just don't get why parents have to be so 'chummy' with their own children'

Indeed!

He's 16. He's a child. She's 15. Very much a child. Personally i'm not one for the legalities here. More just the moral message for me.

You're supposed to be the big bad mother here saying 'no' ! grin

FoundAChopinLizt Sun 12-May-13 14:02:04

I will be saying no, until they are paying me rent, doing their own washing, housework, cooking regularly and generally behaving like adults. Only then are they demonstrating sufficient maturity to handle an unexpected pregnancy.

Mrscupcake23 Sun 12-May-13 14:16:49

I had the exact same problem. My son who is sixteen has a nearly sixteen year old gf.

I said no way so she slept here in the spare room even though I knew they were already having sex. This meant they sat downstairs after we went to bed fell asleep downstairs and they went to their separate bedrooms.

The girls mum said she didn't mind them in the same room so I gave in. Tbh I quite like my son in at night knowing where he is and they were doing it anyway. Never heard of anyone getting prosecuted.

CarpeVinum Sun 12-May-13 14:16:52

Although in the case of the OP's DS and his GF they're already sexually active, so she wouldn't be preventing them having sex at this tender age.

So was I. It wasn't about her putting the horses back after they had bolted. It was about me having a something to anchor a retreat from sexual activity on, or a way to avoid escaltion at the very least. Or at least to feel like I could limit it to my preferred pace, frequencey and degree by using home as a "veeto zone".

Back then there was an attitude amoung my peers that once you'd done the deed your excuse to avoid it with that person or the next person was gone. With mum seeming to agree that there was no basis for even trying to do something to stop it, I felt like my mother had come down on the side of my peers view and thus confirmed it's validity.

On a very "teenage thinking" level home was my safe zone. I could say no there becuase "mum will go mad", and I could play the "I have to go home, not allowed out today" card to avoid contact extending beyond my confort zone by having contact limited to inside the safe zone. But then home stopped being safe cos the kybosh had been removed.

It is hard to explain it as a grown up. My teenage head when I try to get back into now was all one big conflictual mess...and far too worried about what everybody else thought I should rather than just doing (or not doing) what I wanted.

The best way to describe I suppose is it felt like my one layer of protection was whipped off, by my mum. She didn't mean to, god knows I never tried to explain it and out of daft teenage pride/dignity felt almost obliged to follow through and take advantage of the new leeway so there was nothing in my behavoir that would have suggested to her the "whipping off of protective layer" thing. Not without gaining a sudden ability to read my mind anyway. Which is asking a bit much of a parent. grin

BackforGood Sun 12-May-13 14:28:46

Great post Wish

BooCanary Sun 12-May-13 14:40:08

I don't think I could allow it. I couldn't condone it at that age.

However, I think at 16+ I would allow it IF it was my belief that the relationship was longterm/serious.

My DM allowed me to have serious boyfriends to stay from 18+. It was the right move, especially as I went to University at 18 and could bring back anyone I wanted!

My MIL didn't allow me and DH to share a room until we were married, by which time we had been together for 7 years, been living together for 6 years (including 5 years in our jointly owned house). Totally RIDICULOUS IMO! I often wonder whether we would have still had to have separate rooms if we'd had DCs before getting married!!!

purpleroses Sun 12-May-13 15:06:23

I wouldn't believe his claim that his GF's parents are OK about it without actually speaking to them. If they were, why wouldn't he be staying there?

My DSD - also 15, nearly 16 - has been staying out a lot lately, and lying about where she's been. Your DS's GF could be doing exactly the same and telling her parent's she's staying with a friend, when she's actually with you. The chances of it all blowing up badly are much higher if they're not in fact OK about it.

(Carpe - your posts make have hit a nerve with me as that's exactly how I worry my DSD might feel in years to come if no one really cares where she is at night sad )

Mrscupcake23 Sun 12-May-13 15:11:39

Purpleroses the gf mum phoned me up. Also he does stay there. I was stricter with my daughter which just resulting in her just staying at her boyfriends all the time.

Don't want the same thing to happen again.

Insist on separate rooms. You havent truely lived until you've done the late night room swapping as a teenager. All this being open about their relationship malarky is just spoiling the fun of sneakng around! wink

purpleroses Sun 12-May-13 15:14:50

But the OP hasn't spoken to the GF's mum herself. She only has her DS's word for it.

Josully Sun 12-May-13 15:18:25

Hi, my parents let my boyfriend stay once I was over 16, and think that if you have a good relationship with your son, I would let his girlfriend stay once she is of age. If your son falls out with the girlfriend in question ( which they very often do!) he has to understand the risks, she could go to the police and cause a lot of trouble for you and your family! Very risky for your son to be having sex with an underage, I would suggest having a chat to him about the possible outcomes if it all goes wrong!?

I shall be interested in a few years time to maybe hear this 'but everyone else's mum lets them' baloney.

I think you are doing the right thing. 15 is too young to be staying overnight with your boyfriend, having sex and then going to school next day. What is the rush for? There is plenty of time if they care about each other.

I sometimes roll my eyes when the hip mums come on and say of course, etc Do they live in massive houses where you can easily turn a blind eye because you are on another floor or something? The walls in my house are like paper, you can hear a fart, i do not want to listen to my childrens sex lives in the future thanks very much.

Ragwort Sun 12-May-13 15:39:23

Too right bring - do all you mums who would allow boy/girl friends to stay over night really want to hear their sex life? Would you feel comfortable having sex with your partner whilst they are at it in the next room grin.

There is no way I would want my 16 year old child to be in a 'committed' relationship at that age, it is far, far too young (in my opinion).

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 12-May-13 15:42:33

Agree with bring

Shudder. Really do not want to think/hear/know about DD having sex thank you!!

If they do they will be in their twenties and i will have to soundproof the house!!

Wuldric Sun 12-May-13 15:53:32

I am just imagining DH's reaction to this suggestion and it has made me rofl. I would say a firm no. For goodness sake, what are fields, back seats of cars, random nights when the aged p's are away FOR, exactly, if not to accommodate teenage sex?

jellybeans Sun 12-May-13 15:56:38

My DD is 16 and been asking to stay at BF house for a while. I won't allow it while she is still at school. I wouldn't have him here as there are 5 DC and not a lot of room. It's fine for friends sleeping over but not BF-it's too awkward. I said will reconsider her staying there when she is at college (she will be nearer 17).

ZZZenagain Sun 12-May-13 15:59:15

wouldn't risk it. What if they break up and you get all kinds of trouble over this for one thing?

IcingTheCake Sun 12-May-13 17:44:30

Sorry but if theyre already having sex id bet theyve done it in his bed! I honestly think by saying no you prevent nothing, my mum and dad wouldnt let my OH stay in my room so we either stayed at his and said it was in separate rooms or just went to bed together anyway and say 'oh we fell asleep watching tv' and such, now i look back maybe i shouldnt have but they even agree now that it does seem silly when someone is already having sex, the falling asleep together bit isnt what you need to worry about! Saying she cant stay wont stop them having sex in your house im sorry to say, unless you never let them out of your sight - which i really hope you dont do! Haha

chocoluvva Sun 12-May-13 20:04:08

Ragwort the teenagers certainly won't want to be overheard either!

Mrscupcake23 Sun 12-May-13 20:13:51

Ragwort I certainly have not heard anything and I hope that have not heard us either.

Selba Sun 12-May-13 20:20:10

Carpe , brilliant posts

LadyPeterWimsey Sun 12-May-13 20:27:35

Agree, great posts, Carpe.

When parents shrug their shoulders and say 'what can you do?', it gives their kids no excuses. I was enormously grateful that my parents were pretty strict because I could always blame them, rather than having to say 'I just don't want to', and then feeling pressurised further.

Delayingtactic Sun 12-May-13 20:30:40

Ok actually take it all back. DH told me that if she makes a complaint and wants to take it further the police will follow it up and it could go so far as a prosecution. So no I won't be letting him and will now be making that clear to DS when he gets to that age!

SirChenjin Sun 12-May-13 20:32:55

Agree with Carpe too. Teenagers tend to like boundaries, although they pretend not to - it gives them a sense of security, lets them know that you care about their welfare, and that you are not their mate but their parent who will shoulder the blame for not allowing them to do whatever they hell they like when they are not mature enough to cope with the consequences.

Trinity50 Sun 12-May-13 20:38:50

Gosh, thanks everyone for all the advice. I looked this morning and no one had replied so I forgot to check again until now! DH and I have both told him no, for the time being. I am actually going to have a chat with her mum to see what she thinks too about it all, as a few of you suggested. Ds has got over his strop and seems to have forgotten about it all, once he knew we weren't going to budge with our decision.
I think I may have a chat though about the underage risks, however unlikely police involvement might be.
Thanks everyone, really helpful to hear your opinions.

Ragwort Mon 13-May-13 12:19:47

Icing - you say you 'prevent nothing' - but you prevent them from having sex in your house, when you are there. That is about respecting your boundaries and your parents' home.

We all know that teenagers will have sex, we just don't have to condone it in our own home by making up a double bed and serving tea in the morning grin.

IcingTheCake Mon 13-May-13 15:28:02

ragwort I know haha but they're probably having sex in the house anyway, to be honest she's very lucky she has such an honest ds smile

lljkk Mon 13-May-13 15:46:58

No, it would make me accessory to a crime and really, if sex is that great, it's worth waiting for.

SoupDragon Mon 13-May-13 15:48:36

There is a world of difference between knowing they are doing it and ensuring they use contraception and actively encouraging it.

anklebitersmum Mon 13-May-13 15:57:39

Old, draconian and in the "No" camp here.

Twofold reason that it won't be happening in my house
1. Because I said so
2. Because DH said so

grin

oh & well said Soupdragon and Ragwort

sussexmum38 Mon 13-May-13 15:58:44

I don't imagine legal issues, but I would be torn with the decision. Would not feel happy with little more than kids having sex under my roof. But it is safer the forcing them to do it in a public place. They seem sensible with the contraception.

SirChenjin Mon 13-May-13 17:23:23

Who is 'forcing' them to do it in a public place?!

My mum and dad didn't allow us to have sex in their house when we were 16 - as far as they were concerned, just because we had taken the decision to start shagging the boyfriend of the moment didn't mean they had to facilitate or condone it by providing the bed. How and were we did it were our responsibility, given that we were adults - and a very sensible decision it was too.

SirChenjin Mon 13-May-13 17:23:56

was our responsibility

lljkk Mon 13-May-13 20:04:23

Even if the girl were age 16+ I'd still feel queasy about it. Am I hopelessly out of touch? Because if she spends the night then I assume they ARE having sex, and what 16yo wants mum to know they're having sex? I think I would have died first than have my parents know that.

I could handle 18+. maybe 17.5+.

Jimalfie Tue 14-May-13 09:36:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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