Oh god, prom after parties ,alcohol, um Help!!

(42 Posts)
januaryjojo Wed 08-May-13 21:12:48

My DD (16) has just announced she has been invited to a prom after party.

Starts at midnight, till 6AM!!

Oh and can she have alcohol too?!?!

Um um um um, she's my eldest, um, help!!!! confused

mrslaughan Wed 08-May-13 21:22:59

Hmmm - well I know what would have been going on at this sort if party when I was 16..... Can't imagine if has changed!

Theas18 Wed 08-May-13 22:12:57

Find out lots more about it. Who /where/what adult supervision etc. My strategy when they have asked for things I'm really not keen on is to ask them to put a case to me as to why they think it's a good idea and how they can stay safe in take environment.

Admittedly we haven't had anything as big/out of the blue as this as the proms here aren't till upper 6th but the time I really thought DD1 could go to an event and DS should not(2.5yrs younger at and that time much less streetwise and less " joined at the hip" with his mates) I sucked my teeth, got all the info and said " I'm really not sure what to say, I'm very worried about you staying safe" and after about a week , without any shouting/stampig on either side, he decided that maybe he'd be better not going.

If she's used to looking out for herself, maybe handling alcohol at faily "dos" etc and the kids are actually known to you AND you speak to the adults and believe them when they say they'll be there then maybe, but I might even ask directly if she's planning to have sex- and if not what she will do when the inevitable pairing off etc happens- that might just shock her!

januaryjojo Thu 09-May-13 08:19:37

Well I asked for a parents land line number and she's now stropping!

Joy joy

Hermionewastherealhero Thu 09-May-13 08:37:36

As a teacher I hear a lot about these after prom parties. I always warn the students to be safe... In all areas!
I would be very upfront with her about the fact people will be pairing off and things can get out of hand, and that some students will look on this as an opportunity to have sex.
The alcohol would also be my worry, we talk to the students lots about those who drink too much before prom and then miss out as they are too drink to enjoy it. So have a good chat about the dangers of drinking too much and not having full control.
The parties are a massive event at our school but I know parents attend too- more worrying when the students simply arrange a meet up ok a field after prom - make sure she isn't doing that!

Theas18 Thu 09-May-13 09:15:41

januaryjojo that might just be a deal breaker for me. If she isn't willing to share even basic info so you can make sure she's safe then I would be really reluctant to let her go (then again she's 16, what are you going to stop her if she doesn't agree... tricky?)

januaryjojo Thu 09-May-13 09:18:50

She has handed me a "flyer"type invite with the address on and the lads mobile number, no parent contact details.

I am seriously wondering about going down there myself today or tomorrow, is that a step too far?

I w going to suggest a compromise of letting her go till 2 or 3 then picking her up, but not got that far, what with the stropping hmm

januaryjojo Thu 09-May-13 09:19:32

Well she lives in my house, my rules or leave!

specialsubject Thu 09-May-13 12:40:25

I wonder if the parents of the 'lad' know what is planned?

Deal breaker for me too. Unless she will give out basic parent info you have no idea of how this party really is being arranged.

januaryjojo Thu 09-May-13 22:15:58

Well after being a moody horrible cow all afternoon, she barges into my bedroom at 9.15pm, and says I want to talk to you, I told her to get out, don't want to know.

As far as I'm concerned she's buggered it up by acting like an overgrown two year old.

Anyway she continues to say no I want to talk to you, I tell her agin to get out of my room, she starts going on about how she is going to get the lad to get his mum to talk to me!

I say again get out of my room too late.

She strops off to her dad, comes back and turns the water works on, with the fine I'm not going to prom then.

Whatever says I and off she strops again.

I officially hate teenagers.

I wouldn't have shut her out if she was ready to talk. Teens haven't always learned the skills of climbing down gracefully and it was a chance for the situation to calm down.

They are tricky creatures though!

DameFanny Thu 09-May-13 22:24:07

So she tried to talk, then said she was getting you the contact you asked for, and you said "whatever"?

And you think she's too stroppy?

MonkeyingAroundTown Thu 09-May-13 22:30:08

I wouldn't allow it for a teenager of 16 to go to an after prom party. Sounds like a sleepover to me which if it includes alcohol then there will surely be sexual antics going on

Playerpleeeese Thu 09-May-13 22:32:59

Hmmmmm I'm gona go against the grain here. I left sch

Playerpleeeese Thu 09-May-13 22:35:22

Sorry posted too soon!

I left school 8 years ago, everyone had one of these party's. IMO they are not as bad as people think, maybe just let her go, seems as it's a special occasion?

Why don't you want her to go?

Slambang Thu 09-May-13 22:37:56

OOh harsh january. Did you really not want her to have a 'talk'?

My ds (16) has just sprung exactly the same thing on me too.
DS: Before the prom we're all meeting at X'x house and going together. Then after the prom we'remuttermutterpartymutter.
Me: Sorry - you're what?
DS: Muttermutterpartymumble. What's for tea?
Me: shock

Apparently some deeply misguided parents have agreed to allow ds's friend that I've never heard of to hold a party in their garden. (Pity the poor neighbours).

I've agreed ds can go if he sticks with and comes home with sensible friend but it hadn't crossed my mind the whole thing would go on til 6 am. shock

Oh god and the alcohol...
and the sex...

Oh I should have asked far more questions. Bloody hell parenting is a moral minefield.

mindfulmum Fri 10-May-13 00:33:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I think you're being quite unfair. She's 16, its her prom party, with kids of her age, at no address you know.

The thing with providing the parents details is that she probably doesn't have them and therefore will have to ask the boy which is all very embarrassing at that age plus it will probably lead to her having to explain my mum wants it/mum says no etc which will just become even more humiliating. The idea of doing something that embarrassing at that age is such a big deal.

Are the parents even going to be there? Don't most people go out when their DC have parties?

She's 16, so she's probably had a drink before and can be trusted to drink reasonably responsibly or does she get wrecked? I'd say its fine to drink but you don't want her coming home in a state or there will be x consequence.

Have you arranged contraception with her? What does she normally do in these situations, at 16 you don't generally need the oportunity or excuse of a party to have sex. You just need to reiterate the safe sex and not being coerced chat and I'd probably say that if she feel uncomfortable at any time she can call me and I will come and get her.

The only issue I would have is how would she be getting home at 6:00am, I wouldn't be that into driving out at that time, are they going to stay over and then go home later, what happens if it peters out or they want to leave earlier, say 4:00 when there isnt public transport, there would need to be a plan. Plus if I was feeling a bit stressed I might say she needs to text me at regular intervals.

Work out what is your worst case scenario and think about what specifically could stop it. What is it that you are most worried about?

januaryjojo Fri 10-May-13 08:17:31

I have never heard of this boy, ever.

He is not even on her FB friends list!

I do not know if the parents are going to be there, I know nothing and when I ask for more information, instead of acting the grown up she thinks she is, she throws her weight around like a stroppy two year old.
Screaming and shouting and demanding things and attempting emotional blackmail.

And no I wasn't prepared to talk to her when I was in bed last night, I'd had an entire evening of her stropping and slamming around the house and generally being a bitch to everyone.
I'd had enough of it and gone to bed.

Why should I reward her bad behaviour with my attention?

Generally in my experience if you want something, you at least be nice to the person you are asking.

shelli135 Fri 10-May-13 08:27:33

At least she has asked you and told you where she will be and therefore you know where she will be.

When I was 16 I told my mum I was 'sleeping at Amy's house' , because i wasn't allowed to any parties. Really I was going into town, clubbing and house party's. if you don't let her go she will probs go behind your back and do it any way. It's what most teenagers do, bar a few.

Fair enough the stroppy behaviour isn't acceptable, but she probably feels her whole social life will be ruined by not going.

Let things calm down and do what you feel is best.

thepig Fri 10-May-13 08:38:06

Do people really mollycoddle their kids this much these days?

She's 16 ffs, it's a special party not a weekly occurence.

Honestly if you've brought her up well you'll have nothing to worry about. And you'll probably find she won't even stay til 6...but if she does so what it's a one off.

Agree with thepig
I'm really surprised this has taken you unawares? The after party is part of the prom and usually an all nighter.
At 16 I would also have expected the subject of parties and alcohol to come up before?
This is why I think it's worth talking lots about alcohol and allowing sensible amounts around this age. She has to learn how to deal with social situations where there is peer pressure to drink too much and she can't learn if she is never allowed to go.
The tantrum is a shame but to be fair I expect everyone else will be going.
We live in a rural area and the parent who "hosts" the after prom party is usually fully aware of what they are in for. Last year DS1 went to his in the next village. About 100 teenagers were picked up by parents from the prom and dropped off at the party. They were collected (or walked miles) next morning.

Remotecontrolduck Fri 10-May-13 19:46:59

Oh you have to let her go, seriously most people will be going.

She's 16, this is huge. She'll probably have had a drink before anyway, and having one or two at an after-prom party is no big deal.

I honestly doubt VERY much it will turn into a massive orgy and everyone will be passing out drunk. They'll probably have a couple of beers and a laugh together.

Tell her you trust that she'll be careful, and let her go. Also if her or a friend get into trouble you're prepared to come pick them up. The worst thing you can do is make her need to hide stuff as she thinks you'll be angry.

MonkeyingAroundTown Fri 10-May-13 22:37:55

Am I the only one on here who thinks this is a bad idea to let her go? Sounds like she is lying to you about where this party is. I remember lying to my parents asking if I could stay over at a friends house after my school leaving do (didn't have prom then) but in fact I was wanting to go hang out with the lads and girls from school at one of the lads houses and stay over there instead. I was intending on drinking alcohol and having sex. I was 15 nearly 16. Anyway my parents were sensible enough to see right through my lies and refused me permission to go. I had to come straight home after wards. Yeah I remember feeling gutted at the time and that I was missing out but I got over it. It wasn't the end of the world. IMO parents allow their children far too much freedom nowadays.

When you were young would you have been allowed to stay at a party until six am at 16? Yeah its a special occasion as its prom. But the prom is the celebration isn't it!? So she wont be missing out on celebrating that.

Mrsrobertduvall Sat 11-May-13 07:40:33

I must live in a parallel universe as I have never heard of an after prom party.
We didn't even have a disco at our school!

Dd has her prom this year, and I will be collecting her at 11.30.

EuroShaggleton Sat 11-May-13 07:49:10

OP, I'm shocked at how you behaved when she tried to speak to you about. Rather like, um, a moody teenager!

Mrsrobertduvall er, perhaps she hasn't mentioned it to you yet?

It might be different round here because the prom is held in the school. The school is in a small market town and the children come from villages for miles around. They all get fancy transport to the prom and they are picked up by parents and taken to the after prom party. Actually there were two parties last year. The one DS went to was in the next village to us and they had marquees and stuff and lots of adults.
I passed some of them walking home bleary eyed next morning on my way to work wink.

UseHerName Sat 11-May-13 09:17:59

i think tigoldbitties is the most sensible/balanced response yet

flow4 Sat 11-May-13 09:27:09

Jojo, you said she's your eldest so you're on new territory and it's not surprising you feel out of your depth. smile But you need to learn to handle situations like this better, or you're going to have a difficult few years.

She's stroppy and moody because this is very important to her, and she's never been in a situation like this before, and she doesn't know how to handle her feelings. Notice that that's pretty much exactly how you feel too, and you reacted in a similar way!

This is your opportunity to help her (and yourself!) learn to handle these difficult situations better. Instead of panicking and getting angry and shouting and refusing to talk to her, you could have said calmly "I don't want to talk to you tonight because I'm tired and annoyed with the way you've been behaving. Let's talk again in the morning. I'll need you to convince me you're thinking seriously about things like your safety and how you're getting home".

That way, you 'model' a calm, grown-up responses so she knows how it's done, and it gives both of you some thinking time, as well as much-needed cooling off time. smile

It's not too late. You can tell her you've realised you're both on new territory, so neither of you knew what to do, and you didn't handle it well. Then tell her you'd like her to talk to you about safety and some of your other worries...

Be aware that if you refuse point blank to let her go, she may well go anyway... Then she'll be much less safe, because she won't have agreed a plan with you, and she won't stay in touch.

januaryjojo Sat 11-May-13 18:01:42

Thanks everyone for your opinions, as I said it is all new to me this teenage stuff.

The after party thing came very late, prom was last night, so not even 48hours beforehand.

In the end we allowed her to go for a couple of hours.
We did not supply her with any drink.

Quick run down of this morning!!

I picked her up at 3.

At which point the "family" (or bouncers!!) were kicking kids out.

It wasn't quite carnage, but I think it was beginning to get to that point, I think the lads dad is a builder, it said construction at the beginning of the drive lane anyway, as I got halfway up the single track lane, there were people starting to come towards me, was a 5/6 lads and two largish blokes!

The lads were holding up another lad who was paralytic, I think they were being escorted off! Said lad started to hurl quite spectacularly next to my car.

One them said something to one of the blokes, didn't hear what, but the reply was, it ain't going on till six, its ending now!!

Anyway asked if I was ok to drive up, they said ok.

Pulled into a biggish forecourt, kinda countryside ish here.

As I reversed up, I could see down a ramp into the garden ( field ), about twenty kids milling about under floodlight.

Went to call DD, as I'd text her as I was leaving home, but she got in first and was calling me!

Anyway, she wasn't drunk!!!
But her friends appeared but didn't realise it was me obviously drunk, or as DD put it...wrecked.
They did rather loudly realise it was my car and me in it, which was quite amusing.

As we were leaving a police car was at the end of the drive lane.

Another girl friend of DD was staggering being held up by a lad, down the main lane road, when we were leaving which concerned me, so I reversed up the hill, but a car pulled up next to them so assume it was a parent?? (bearing in mind at midnight our street lights get turned off!! )

Anyway I flashed a car through a bridge, was another police car!!

Apparently she had to stop a lad "getting on" (?) her drunk friend, reminding said friend she has a serious boyfriend, said lad then tried to "get on" her, she him to F off!!

End of the story is she seen it not clever to get wasted, not that she likes alcohol much anyway!!

All in all, if she's sober she can handle that type of party, which I'm kinda glad about, she also had the sense when her phone wasn't working properly (scroller wouldn't work) so she couldn't text me, to ask one of the sober-er lads, (I think he is an ex bf, anyway I've met him a few times) if he still had my number and he somehow got her phone to ring mine.

She is currently in grovelling mode and spent most of the day in her room knackered, so a 6am end time would've killed her!!!!

Now she has to revise for her first exam Monday morning.

PiratePanda Sat 11-May-13 18:11:57

When I was 16, my best friend died in my arms of a drug overdose in the car after our after-prom party, as his brother sped towards the local hospital at 2 in the morning. Not only did our parents know where we were and have a phone number, they sent someone old enough to be sensible but not too old to be uncool to pick us up at a late but not too late time.

It made no difference.

There is no way in the world I would be letting her go to a party under the conditions you describe.

my daughter is lobbying for me to have an after prom party here, that's not going to happen, I would let her go if I was you, if you think she is sensible enough , she's 16 prom is a big deal to them all, yes they will drink but im sure she has had a drink, I know my daughter has, can you not compromise and say she can go and you will pick her up at 2.00am ?

sorry just realised I am late to this thread, im def not hosting an after prom party after reading that x

Slambang Sat 11-May-13 22:31:20

My little update if it's OK to gatecrash your party, January wink . Ds came back from his after party at 3.30am this morning seemingly sober and in one piece. He said it was starting to wind down but was still going when he left. The party was 'good'. Only one person threw up - the party host himself.

Seeing as in 2 years time our pfbs may well be living at uni or elsewhere without us being able to check their alcohol intake, friends' parents and party timings, I think that letting them start to spread their wings now and trial run a bit of responsibility is the only wayt to go.

januaryjojo Sat 11-May-13 23:51:48

Having spoken to DD today, it turns out paralytic girl was supposed to be taking home the other two friends, the girls who were rather drunk and loudly recognised me.

Said two girls then sat and cried because they didn't know PG had gone and left them with no way of getting home.

It was PG mother who I saw pull up in the lane.

In the end host lads dad had to drive the other two home.
I did say if i'd had known that, I'd have taken them with us.

Apparently PG had arrived before DD and her friends by half hour and was wasted by the time they got there.
She had a litre bottle of vodka!!!! shock

DD took it off of her when she got there and made her drink water, presumably she found more drink later.

Rosesandlemons Sat 11-May-13 23:58:55

Who calls their daughter a bitch. That seems a little harsh to me.

mrsjay Sun 12-May-13 09:55:25

find out where the party is who is there etc dd1 was 18 at her prom they do them in 6th year up here, so it was never an issue , TBH i wouldnt be happy with the all nighter but I would probably be ok with a 16 yr old going, say she is allowed a few drinks if she has too but I would be umming and ahhing too, I would probably not let her out all night

mrsjay Sun 12-May-13 09:56:37

ach i must read to the end of things blush

jellybeans Sun 12-May-13 16:09:34

My 16 YO has been going to parties with alcohol since about 15. because she knows I am fair she trusts me to tell me where it is, what is really involved etc. So far she has been OK although has drank too much once or twice,, nothing too bad. And I am pretty strict. I just think if you are too strict they rebel and start lying to you.

mindgone Mon 13-May-13 00:45:48

My 16 yo DS went to an after prom party a week ago and had a great time! He took 2 small bottles of beer, but only drank one cos he didn't like it very much! Only boys were allowed to sleep over, he reckons he had about 1 1/2 hours sleep, so was wrecked tired the next day. I think it really helps if you know your child, and know their friends, and, as someone else has mentioned, they do need to learn how to behave, and what works for them before they go off to uni etc.

Startail Mon 13-May-13 01:31:05

Our local pubs and disco bars sometimes served us at 14 and always did by 15. (They knew our ages we went to school with their DCs)

Personally I think enforcing 18 is incredibly stupid, by our sixthform leaving day we knew how much it took to get us drunk, and just didn't (HT had explained that vanishing to the pub was fine, getting on our school buses rolling drunk was not fine).

Learning to drink at parties rather than with pub measures when we couldn't afford to get drunk is not ideal, but it's what the twat faced nanny state has left our Dcs with. All we can do is educate them, warn our DDs that alcohol lowers your inhibitions and warn are DS that they must stay sober enough to treat girls properly. Also, of course it's not bright to get so drunk you can't get home safely.

It was really odd realizing that as a total country bumpkin, I had far more idea who to look after myself at freshers than the Londoners. Having only been able to drink for a few months in very expensive bars they fell upon cheep uni booze and then fell about campus in wrecked heaps.

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