Well shit. I handled that one badly.

(456 Posts)
survivingthechildren Tue 16-Apr-13 12:19:16

Oh Christ what have I done. First post here, but have really blown it and could use some advice.

Just minutes ago I had a major fracas with DS(15). It was that bloody xbox that did it. Things have steadily been going down hill for months - cheek, not helping with chores, have to nag to get everything done, fighting 24/7 with family... We always follow through, try to have natural consequences, yanno from parenting 101.

But tonight (we live in NZ), DS is in the attic where we have a sort of teen hideout, playing on xbox live. We've been entertaining the neighbours and DS has been a disgrace all night. Grunting when spoken to, sulked because we asked him to eat at the table and not up in the den, swore at DS and I. I was mortified. And so so furious. Even writing those words now is making me sweat with rage.

So after they head home I go to have a word. Consequence will be no xbox for 5 days. I'm talking to DS, he jams him headset back on, gives me this horrible sneer, and them says "you don't control me bitch". Then he turns back to the screen and says to his mate "sorry, I was just putting my mother in her place".

The red mist just descended.

I went straight over to that fucking machine and threw it out the window. It's now lying smashed to pieces on the path.

Oh shit shit shit. Still not a good way to handle things. I'm now swinging between frothing wildly at the mouth and wanting to you upstairs and blast him, and wanting to slap myself for blowing my cool so spectacularly.

DS is in shock and hasn't emerge since I stormed from the room.

Do I go up and talk?

Oh God. Can't I just go back and make a better, calmer decision?

Dont go up. Don't apologise. Wait til everyone has calmed down tomorrow.

I think you did a good thing.

Well, he won't be such a smart mouth the next time will he?

I don't think it does teens any harm to see adults lose their cool occasionally. I'd not be replacing the x-box either.

awkwardsis Tue 16-Apr-13 12:22:35

I don't think you handled it badly at all. I'd sit down with a cup of tea (or wine), calm down and wait for him to come down and apologise. Putting you in your place indeed. He's lucky it was the X Box and not him through the window frankly.

Well..... maybe not the textbook way of handling it but tbh I think he deserved it. I should bloody well hope he is 'in shock' and maybe, just maybe, that shock will make him think carefully about how he speaks to you in future.

DeWe Tue 16-Apr-13 12:23:24

Sorry but it made me chuckle. I'd love to have seen your ds's face at that point.
Don't apologise. He now knows he's gone too far. I'm guessing no x-box for a bit more than 5 days now though, which is right after he said that to you.
When things are calmer you can discuss what he can do to earn another, maybe? I doubt you'll get far on insurance for that.

TobyLerone Tue 16-Apr-13 12:23:34

This is probably spectacularly unhelpful, but I think this is amusing because it's something I would do. And I can just imagine his face when you did it!

This is the ultimate in 'following through with your threats'! And I think he deserved it. How dare he speak to you like that?

HobKnob Tue 16-Apr-13 12:23:46

Sounds like he deserved that one.

Oh and DO NOT REPLACE IT no matter how guilty you feel or how thick he lays it on.

CatelynStark Tue 16-Apr-13 12:24:02

Good for you! I'd do the same if one of mine was that rude to me!

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Tue 16-Apr-13 12:24:18

I think you did the right thing! It's absolutely clear he crossed a line.

TobyLerone Tue 16-Apr-13 12:24:20

X-posted with everyone!

schobe Tue 16-Apr-13 12:24:27

Totally not an overreaction. I don't blame you.

Do not apologise, he crossed so far over the line that the line was just a dot to him.

Betrayedbutsurvived Tue 16-Apr-13 12:24:30

I think you were remarkably restrained.

finickypinickity Tue 16-Apr-13 12:24:53

The only thing i would be annoyed about is that the X box could have been sold for a bit of money, other than that i wouldnt be overly bothered.

Leave him to it for now and wait until you feel a tiny bit more rational before having the chat.

He put you in your place and you put his x box in its place.

And yes in my house he'd have been told he was bloody lucky it wasn't him out the window.

Cheeky wee skitter.

You did the right thing.

survivingthechildren Tue 16-Apr-13 12:26:16

Ha! awkwardsis Well if I could lift him up that would have been my first call!

OK, I think I will wait til things have settled before talking to him. Thanks ladies, this parenting lark is rotten at times isn't it.

purrpurr Tue 16-Apr-13 12:26:22

Good for you OP. Who does your son think he is, Jesse Pinkman?

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit Tue 16-Apr-13 12:26:28

You did a good thing, the right thing!
An overreaction would have been if you'd chucked him out of the window grin

myflabberisgasted Tue 16-Apr-13 12:26:42

<high fives OP>

Another one here to say good for you!!

Do not apologise, no one deserves to be spoken to like that!

Growlithe Tue 16-Apr-13 12:26:43

That is what I would call a natural consequence.

ScrambledSmegs Tue 16-Apr-13 12:26:46

<applauds>

Yep, maybe not textbook parenting, but I bet he thinks before being such a little shit again.

Bringmewineandcake Tue 16-Apr-13 12:27:05

I would also leave it for the night.
Maybe not the "correct" thing but without it perhaps you'll all see the benefit!
And how dare he treat you like that, drastic action was required. Have a brew

MrsYamada Tue 16-Apr-13 12:27:09

I know it was a bad reaction but I can totally understand how you got there! Agree with waiting until everyone has calmed down before talking.

ElleMcFearsome Tue 16-Apr-13 12:27:16

Ok, first off take some breaths and have a cup of tea. Don't do anything for a bit.

You lost your rag, we all do that sometimes. Honestly, being called a bitch and then informing friend that he was 'putting you in your place' WTAF? I'd have lost my temper (which only happens about every 5 years!)

Mothers have feelings as well. Doesn't necessarily do teens any harm to realise that. I'm quite angry on your behalf!!

Do you have a DP? Only asking because you might want to sing from the same hymn sheet with regard to where you go from here?

Sorry not to be much help! But seriously, have a cuppa first and just let some of the adrenalin subside.

Jenny70 Tue 16-Apr-13 12:27:19

Not ideal behaviour, but we're all human. He needed a shock, and hopefully that's it.

And if the modem is somewhere not near him, I'd be hiding that too!

weemouse Tue 16-Apr-13 12:27:27

I salute you on throwing the xbox out the window and rendering him speechless. You handled it perfectly. Apologise? You must be joking.

I was just putting my mother in her place would have seen me lift his head clean off his shoulders.

Swearing at you and your husband? He sounds vile. He needs to learn some respect.

Never mind tea, have some well deserved wine

And in no circumstances whatsoever do you replace the xbox

I think you did absolutely the right thing! The way he spoke about you/ to you was disgusting and deserves real consequences - smashing taking away the Xbox permanently is exactly what needed to happen.

Skang Tue 16-Apr-13 12:27:33

I think I would have done the same or worse !

Definitely don't replace it, he needs to remain back in his place! What an awful thing for him to say/do!

Gerrof Tue 16-Apr-13 12:27:35

I don't blame you actually. He should NOT speak to you like that.

Don't replace the bloody thing.

I would keep away from him for a bit, you are still upset. When you have calmed down have the chat, he needs to understand that he can't just badmouth you like that.

ElleMcFearsome Tue 16-Apr-13 12:27:52

wow - so many x-posts!

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit Tue 16-Apr-13 12:28:00

Tell him he can learn some fucking manners, arrogant little shit. See, you can swear too! Ask him if he prefers his home like that.

Ooh, after original laugh I am seething for you.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 16-Apr-13 12:28:32

Obviously you shouldn't have chucked it out of the window but understandable that you did. I agree with freddie that it's OK for teens to see that they've pushed you too far sometimes. And he did push too far. I definitely wouldn't replace it either. If he wants another he can get a job or perhaps agree to do chores at home for money.

finickypinickity Tue 16-Apr-13 12:28:38

I just had a thought.... Were the headphones still attached to his head when you lobbed it out the windowshockgrin

Doodledumdums Tue 16-Apr-13 12:29:05

I'd have done the same thing! Don't feel guilty, he should never have spoken to you like that!

Oh absolutely take right thing. Do not be hard on yourself for a single minute, if has been rude and disrespectful in front of mules people and them followed it up by proving his utter contempt for you, you did well to stop at the x box!! I would be locking the den door too and forcing him to interact with his family rather than hiding away up there.

He deserved what happened!

I'm not going to go against the consensus here - I would certainly have wanted to do what you did, and I think it will have given your ds the shock of his life - and might make him think twice the next time he decides to push your buttons!

Don't beat yourself up about it - and as others have said, don't go and talk to him now, let everyone's feelings calm down, and discuss it tomorrow.

Tbh, I don't think I would even say to him that you overreacted - because given the way he spoke to you, I don't think you did. What he said, and how he said it was utterly unacceptable, and he deserved a dire consequence.

You did right.

schobe Tue 16-Apr-13 12:30:27

He can enjoy getting a part time job to save up for a new one in, ooh, about 3 years.

poozlepants Tue 16-Apr-13 12:30:27

Good on you- you did entirely the right thing. Do not under any circumstances apologise or buy him another one. I think what you did will have more effect than any calmer decision you could've made at that point.

ArabellaBeaumaris Tue 16-Apr-13 12:30:59

Out of interest, what would you have liked to have done instead? Calmly removed it? Wouldn't have had half the impact!

grovel Tue 16-Apr-13 12:31:21

He will have learned a really useful lesson for life, I promise you.

Oh and absolutely what SDTG said - do not tell him you over reacted. Because you didn't. He was vile and horrible. I bet he wouldn't talk to anyone else like that. He shouldn't have to you.

Actions have consequences. And he might have just learnt a lesson. The hard way. Tough.

Floggingmolly Tue 16-Apr-13 12:31:42

I'd have dove the same. It's not over, though. "Just putting my mother in her place". shock.
Bloody hell, that's serious shit. sad

GeekLove Tue 16-Apr-13 12:31:44

"putting my mother in her place"
You put him in his place. Don't apologise as I think you showed him you do not make idle threats. When things have calmed down make it. Lear that he is to replace it with his own money.

Rikalaily Tue 16-Apr-13 12:32:04

A similar thing happened to ds's X box 2 weeks ago (he's 11 in a week). X box in the bin and his behaviour has been a lot better since.

I think an extreme reaction is needed for that type of disgusting behaviour, how dare he speak to you like that and even worse, say what he did to his friend. Total disrespect and I bet he doesn't push his luck quite that far for a very long time.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Tue 16-Apr-13 12:32:07

Maybe you wouldn't see that written in any parenting books - but I applaud you. His behaviour was beyond the pale.

I agree with the others- don't replace it. Don't apologise. Grudgingly accept his apology on the understanding that he never speaks to you or anyone else like that again.

Pootles2010 Tue 16-Apr-13 12:32:08

I don't think you've done anything wrong at all! I think this will do him some good actually, and hopefully help to make him respect you (and others!) a bit more actually.

Agree with others though - do not replace the bloody thing! And I'd be considering turning that teenage den into my sewing/dressing room, but thats just me...

NellysKnickers Tue 16-Apr-13 12:32:14

Good for you, sounds like he deserved it and needed a shock. Wait til tomorrow and have a chat and maybe apologise for losing it. I threw DS1s harmonica out of the window once, he was only 6 and just stood there with his mouth open for about 10 minutes grin

Hullygully Tue 16-Apr-13 12:32:17

Hurrah!

Good for you.

Wow so many x posts all agreeing with you op, hope it helps

And so many typos in my post, hope it made some sense blush

IrnBruTheNoo Tue 16-Apr-13 12:33:04

I personally would leave it to cool down first, and then chat the following day when you've both had time to clear your heads.

I probably would have followed the same path and threw it out the window too, you are only human, and it's perfectly reasonable for your teenager to know you can only take so much.

Things will improve.

kickedatschool Tue 16-Apr-13 12:33:11

i don't think you should have thrown it out of the window.... i think. it would have been confiscated though for ever a very long time. he would have had serious consequences though.

I don't see the throwing out of the window a terrible thing though, given the appalling language and attitude. I just struggle with anything being broken and dad was abit throw it away for lesser misdemeanors.

well done to you!

if i'd have said even a quarter of that to my mother i wouldnt be here today (not advocating that tho!). children need to learn that there are lines that are NOT to be crossed - end of story.

you didnt scream and hit him - you simply brought the whole horrible situation to a close.

please do NOT give in and buy him another one tho! he needs to understand that what you did was in response to the high level disrespect that he showed you.

He's a wee smart alec with a big mouth. I had one.

You did good.

I'm afraid I laughed too because I would probably do the same if my DS said the same to his friends. I have a touch of the red mist if my oldest DS is disdainful.

Get yourself a glass of wine.

Don't go up and wait until both of you have had time to process what led up to it.

I wouldn't buy him one either. I might buy myself one, after a suitable time and some effort on his behalf, but it'd be mine and I might let him borrow it in return for being part of the family.

CheeseandPickledOnion Tue 16-Apr-13 12:34:09

Fucking awesome. He deserved it. I'd love to chuck my SS's out of the window. Xboxes are the devils work.

Don't replace, and wait for him to apologise for his awful behaviour.

HipHopHooray Tue 16-Apr-13 12:34:22

Another good for you. Don't apologise and don't replace it - he absolutely deserved it and will turn out to be a nicer person in the long run because of it!

Well...you did go a little too far, flinging it out of the window and destroying it when you probably should have just removed the device. But...I can totally understand the frustration and temper taking over.
Definitely don't replace it. Make him earn a new one. And then severely restrict xbox live.

schobe Tue 16-Apr-13 12:34:58

You could have made an even bigger impression if you'd had an axe handy. Maybe something to think about for the future?

<<applause>>

You did what I've often wanted to do, but don't have the balls to follow through. Go and get a glass of wine - you get the Most Awesome Mum Of Teenagers award for today.

thereistheball Tue 16-Apr-13 12:35:51

Congratulations, well done. I am angry on your behalf! Absolutely do not apologise. What are you going to do to get him to turn his patronising attitude round?

NB I'd be tempted to explain to his friend that your DS won't be playing online for a while since you put him in his place.

Badvoc Tue 16-Apr-13 12:35:58

Well done.
What he said to you was vile and not acceptable.
Don't replace it.
If he wants another he has to buy it.
Then restrict time on it.

Removing it would have involved taking out leads, and time and he'd have been trying to stop her and would have torn the house apart looking for it. Been there, done that with a PS something.

Better option is to have fired it out the window. grin

Seriously, look at the lesson he's learnt. Worth every fucking penny imho.

OHforDUCKScake Tue 16-Apr-13 12:36:26

Im not suprised you chucked it out the window, putting his mum in his place indeed! Id be frothing too.

Do not go to him, do not appologise and do not replace it.

Good luck.

livinginwonderland Tue 16-Apr-13 12:36:53

brilliant!

Do not apologise for losing it don't say you over reacted it gives him the control of the situation as well as the ammunition to complain to everyone what a bad person you are 'well she admitted she was wrong.........' just don't do it!!!

you did the right thing!! I not sure my cool would even have been that much let him apologise to you, you are most certainly not in the wrong!

have a wine and cool off smile

JollyPurpleGiant Tue 16-Apr-13 12:37:26

How you doing op?

bedmonster Tue 16-Apr-13 12:37:28

Jesus, i'm feeling elated on your behalf. What a disrespectful attitute he has shown towards you. Hopefully this might just be a mighty kick up his precious arse and make him realise you won't be spoken to like a piece of shit. I'm disgusted. Has he always shown you little respect or is it a recent thing?

"you don't control me bitch". Then he turns back to the screen and says to his mate "sorry, I was just putting my mother in her place".

Yep. He'd have had no teeth after that sentence. Just amazed.

You did a good thing. Okay, not textbook parenting good, but a human response.

farewellfarewell Tue 16-Apr-13 12:37:39

Don't replace and try not to feel guilty. You are a human being and you sound generally to be a great parent. I would have totally lost it at that point also. He simply cannot treat anyone like that and expect them to accept it without a reaction. God I dread parenting teens.

MandragoraWurzelstock Tue 16-Apr-13 12:38:01

Leaving aside your reaction, what on earth possessed him to speak to you like that? It's unthinkable - my children just wouldn't, well I say that, they're not teenagers quite yet though.

Is he learning this behaviour from someone? Not blaming you - just worried that's all. In case he sees others treat you in this way iyswim?

Pandemoniaa Tue 16-Apr-13 12:38:03

Can't I just go back and make a better, calmer decision?

When circumstances are extreme, sometimes a better, calmer decision isn't the right decision. The sounds like one of those times so don't beat yourself up about it. Your ds has to realise that his behaviour and atrocious lack of respect for you was the trigger for your actions and right now, he doesn't deserve the X-box. Do not apologise either but do discuss things calmly when the dust has settled. He needs to know that your good nature cannot be taken for granted if he isn't prepared to behave in a civilised manner.

willyoulistentome Tue 16-Apr-13 12:38:06

Does he have any other gadgets? Phone? Chuck them too...and ground him.

Will set a good precedent for him and any younger siblings who might think twice about behaviour like that.

SunflowersSmile Tue 16-Apr-13 12:38:11

I so could see myself doing same thing. Is friend still in room?!
You don't need to apologise...

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit is right:

You did a good thing, the right thing!
An overreaction would have been if you'd chucked him out of the window

That made me smile!

MandragoraWurzelstock Tue 16-Apr-13 12:39:01

OP just checking but you're not just winding us up are you.

chicaguapa Tue 16-Apr-13 12:39:07

I'm sorry that you're so angry about what has happened, but what a brilliant reaction! I would have felt exactly the same way as you, but at least he knows he pushed back too far this time.

Did he buy the xbox himself or was it a family one/ present? It might be complicated if it was his that he'd saved up for, but otherwise let him sort out getting another one, albeit that he has to save up or use some money he already has.

And wait for him to apologise to you first for speaking to you and about you in that way. There's no way that is ever acceptable and he absolutely needs to recognise that.

Ebayaholic Tue 16-Apr-13 12:39:11

I would have done it differently.

I would have grabbed the phone after hurling it and said 'sorry about that, I was just putting DS in his place'

Otherwise, good call!

RaspberrySchnapps Tue 16-Apr-13 12:39:53

didn't handle it badly at all, you were magnificent.

bet he didn't see that one coming grin

Mandragora they don't learn the smart mouth as such. It just comes with being 15.

AuroraAlfresco Tue 16-Apr-13 12:40:14

I'm a pretty touchy-feely, yogurt-knitting, punishment-free parent, but hells bells, I think I would've done the same if I'd been spoken to like that! And yes, with him on the end of the headphones, possibly! grin

He will never forget this, not in a milllion years.

I think given the circumstances you were very restrained! If anyone spoke to me like that they'd be feeling the rough edge of my tongue! But one of your loved ones - no way! Not only disrespectful to his mother, but sexist to boot. That boy needs to learn that it is never acceptable to talk to a woman like that. I think I'd be thinking very hard about further punishment right now. How about being walked to and from school and no socialising for a month?

TheSmallPrint Tue 16-Apr-13 12:40:36

shock The day my DS speaks to me like that I'll be throwing him out the window. Good on you, he won't forget that in a hurry and as others have said PLEASE do NOT buy another and do not apologise or tell him you over reacted. Arrogant little so and so.

Beechview Tue 16-Apr-13 12:41:02

I don't blame you at all for doing what you did. I would've probably done the same.
Don't replace it. His behaviour may even improve.
I see how some members of my family get after playing certain games on the xbox and its not nice!
I really believe it can make some people quite aggressive even if it is temporarily.

everlong Tue 16-Apr-13 12:41:32

He will think twice before calling his mother bitch I reckon.

<high fives OP>

I shake you by the hand warmly, OP. You have put into action what some of us fantasize about.

Welcome to MN by the way!

JesusInTheCabbageVan Tue 16-Apr-13 12:41:39

I honestly, honestly don't think you could have improved on the way you handled it if you sat down and thought about it for a week. Perfect. I'm not joking.

Floggingmolly Tue 16-Apr-13 12:42:29

Does it? hmm.

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Tue 16-Apr-13 12:42:49

wow, don't think I have ever seen a first post with 99% of respondents in agreement.

You will break Mumsnet you know OP - it's not used to that kind of thing grin

Good on you for putting him in his place. I would hope I wouldn't throw something of such great expense out of the window, but then I don't have a teenager (although DD aged 9 is doing her best to impersonate one) so I cant comment!

Looking at my beautiful newborn son, dreading the fact that one day he will be an 'orrible teenager....<sigh> Oh well, that's a few years off, for now he is still nice grin wink

K8Middleton Tue 16-Apr-13 12:42:59

Awesome.

You have done him a huge favour. How dare he speak to you like that?!

ScrambledSmegs Tue 16-Apr-13 12:43:04

OP is in New Zealand. It's 11:40pm there, she's hopefully asleep.

And Xbox live means mate was online - they were chatting via headphones. Probably the reason why he was trying to show off.

survivingthechildren Tue 16-Apr-13 12:43:25

Phew. Thank you so much for the support ladies. I was too scared to post in AIBU for fear of an slew of "your poor son, he must be terrified to live with you" comments.

finickypinickity Yes, as well as a number of wires. I just yanked them right out of the wall, which from a safety perspective was an idiot thing to do.

DH is well on my page, although a little shocked. He said we should have canned the devil's device xbox ages ago. I just feel shit for the other DC though, who now have to suffer for their brother.

But there is no way on this earth I will replace it. I've regretted it pretty much since in came through the door. The obsession with it, seems so much like an addiction! Does anyone have teenage DC and not have some sort of games console in the house?

Beechview I agree with you, it made my XP's DS a nightmare. They get obsessive over it and I hate all the gory violence etc.

Bloody teenagers.

Floggingmolly Tue 16-Apr-13 12:43:44

That was to Freddie, btw. You think that's normal for a 15 year old? Not in my world.

Witchesbrewandbiscuits Tue 16-Apr-13 12:43:56

haha, absolutely fantastic op!

FromGirders Tue 16-Apr-13 12:44:07

Awesome! I hope I'd have done that! Much more effective than screaming at him and hurting your throat (which is what I'd probably have done).

K8Middleton Tue 16-Apr-13 12:44:07

Congratulations Brian smile

Skang Tue 16-Apr-13 12:44:14

Having used Xbox live I know that it is rife with strangers speaking to people like absolute shit, maybe his attitude is coming from there?

ginslinger Tue 16-Apr-13 12:44:22

well done that woman!

EasterHoliday Tue 16-Apr-13 12:44:27

wow, I applaud you

Goldmandra Tue 16-Apr-13 12:44:47

Your reaction is completely understandable given the way he spoke to you. In your place I would have confiscated the xbox for a good long time, if not permanently. I would have done this partly as a sanction for unacceptable behaviour and partly because he clearly needs to realise that he is capable of living a fulfilling life without it.

Obviously throwing it out of the window wasn't great although it was very effective in terms of confiscation. My worry would be that he sees this as an acceptable way to respond when things make you angry and starts doing something similar to your belongings.

I think you need to acknowledge to him that you lost control and regret the destructive nature of your action. This must come with an explanation of how how his appalling comments made you feel of course and telling him that you would have confiscated it anyway. You need to give him a chance the say how he feels too. Was he perhaps embarrassed that his mate heard you giving him a dressing down and this caused him to make a major misjudgment about the best way to save face?

Hopefully, once you've found a calmer time to talk this through properly then you can apologise to each other and work out some changes to prevent this from happening again once the xbox is replaced, however that happens

I wonder how he's going to explain his sudden disconnection to his mate smile

No flogging, not "normal" at that level, but it is normal at 15 to try on attitude. Some DC's anyway (I have 4 who have reached or passed that stage. Only one had horrendous attitude - DS2 - but DD1 isn't far behind)

GreenEggsAndNichts Tue 16-Apr-13 12:45:36

Best reaction ever. Here, have a parenting medal and a wine.

Honestly.

I remember tales of my (Navy Captain) grandfather putting my uncle's head into the wall because he reached across the table for the ketchup instead of asking. That was overreacting.

Your DS is/was being massively disrespectful. He needs a lot right now, and a fucking XBox isn't one of the things he needs.

And I'm sorry, yes, parenting isn't easy. sad Good luck tomorrow.

chicaguapa Tue 16-Apr-13 12:46:02

Yes, it's a shame for the other DC who now have no Xbox. Your DS has to face them too and explain why he was responsible for that.

3rdnparty Tue 16-Apr-13 12:46:09

Completely unacceptable behaviour from him, the important bit is what happens now, you may want to think about next bit -

does he earn right to even have another one never mind saving and paying for it....He may need to do some reflecting on his behaviour and why he thought it would be ok to be like that...

maybe make some time for a good long chat about your boundaries and expectations on his way to adulthood and what your joint plan is......could be a good catalyst - but he could be getting married and leaving home at 16 over here so you need to think what your long game is.....

I did leave home at 16- not to get married just didn't want the rules and regulations of home...it is a very hard way to grow up but doable but got a job and a house share ....not necessarily the path I would recommend

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Tue 16-Apr-13 12:46:10

Thanks K8 need to stop wedging stealth newborn comments on random threads, people will start to call me on it wink

BalloonSlayer Tue 16-Apr-13 12:46:26

Well I take my hat off to you OP as it'll have certainly done the trick. I can imagine being that angry and I can imagine doing it myself.

I hope I wouldn't though . . . I have to confess to a strong sense of discomfort reading the replies as I can see the Mumsnet Double Standard in play.

What would we all say about a man who broke his wife's expensive possession by throwing it out of a window because she wasn't giving him enough respect? And getting high-fives from all his mates who said she asked for that and she was lucky he didn't chuck her out too?

hmm

(and also I expect that telling him off "in front of" the on-screen mate was what encouraged him to be so appallingly rude, because you had made him lose face in front of him: ' ha ha your Mummy came in and told you off and took your ickle x-box away.')

Khaleese Tue 16-Apr-13 12:47:46

Fabulous, never would i have dared to speak to my mother like that!!

Well done OP!

I would be banning x box going forward.

Floggingmolly Tue 16-Apr-13 12:48:03

Far enough, Freddie, I've got a 12 year old, I know about attitude...
Just not at quite that level.

willyoulistentome Tue 16-Apr-13 12:48:06

Was the window already open? I almost hope it wasn't. That would have been awesome. grin

leesmum Tue 16-Apr-13 12:48:44

Huge well done, how dare he speak to you like that, don't feel guilty tell him he's lucky you didn't throw it at his bloody head!!

Floggingmolly - my ds3 has said some dreadful things to me, whilst in the grip of 14/15-year-old attitude - and sadly I never did what the OP did - which might have given him the shock he needed.

I can say, though, that now, at nearly 16, he is coming out the other side of it all, and is reverting to being a half-way decent human being again. He still has flashes of temper, but is getting better at controlling it, and seems to have gained a bit more calmness and perspective.

I read somewhere that teenage boys' brains are going through so much change during the teenage years that they temporarily lose some abilities - like empathy and some self control - but that it does come back as they mature - and ds3 seems to bear this out.

Of course, my mum says that ds3 was no more than I deserved, because ds1 and ds2 were pretty easy during their teenage years. Thanks mum! grin

DwellsUndertheSink Tue 16-Apr-13 12:49:59

Use the words of Bill Crosby "I brought you into this world....and I can take you out"

Like everyone else I think you did the right thing. Touchy feely parenting has its place, but teenage boys who think they can put their mums "in their place" and call them Bitch like they are some badass gangsta? I dont think so.

Dont capitulate. DOnt buy him a new one. DOnt apologise or admit fault.

And have DH read him the riot act about respect for women and especially respect for you.

Well done. I think you handled it very well. smile

Oh DS2 had such horrendous attitude at 14 that I put him out of the car and made him walk home. About 3 miles. And I'd done him the favour of picking him up from school in the first place so he didn't have to get the bus.

ScrambledSmegs Tue 16-Apr-13 12:51:35

Oops, x-post!

Pandemoniaa Tue 16-Apr-13 12:51:55

I once threw the Christmas tree (decorations and all) out of the window after an evening of particularly unpleasant teenage behaviour. I was horrified with myself but actually, it turned out to have surprisingly positive benefits in the longer term.

Floggingmolly Tue 16-Apr-13 12:51:57

Thanks for that, STD, it's all ahead of me... sad

Oh and Flogging, if you think a 12 year old has attitude, wait til they hit 14/15 grin

Plus, DS1 never had attitude like DS2. DS3 doesn't either but DD1 is coming close.

Depends on the youngster.

KitCat26 Tue 16-Apr-13 12:52:49

Absolutely bloody well done grin.

I assume the window was open??? grin

I think it wasn't textbook parenting but bloody hell you were provoked. How bloody dare he (1) speak to you like that and (2) speak ABOUT you like that. How bloody dare he?

Do NOT apologise. And I would just keep saying "how dare you speak to me like that? How dare you?".

Is the xbox his or joint? If joint with other DCs I might replace it but he would be banned. Totally banned for 6 months. Till he learns some bloody respect.

finickypinickity Tue 16-Apr-13 12:53:23

surviving i'm laughing so hard at the image of your DS sat with his ridiculous Madonna headphones on whilst you throw the machine out the window. At least his mate who was listening in has learnt a very valuable lesson of how not to speak to his motherwink

Floggingmolly Tue 16-Apr-13 12:54:21

Great, Freddie, Is it too late to have her adopted????

The bit that resonated with me in the OP was the "sneer" - DD1 has that down to a tee.

Flogging I can recommend wine. And biting your lip and choosing your battles.

Freecycle her, Floggingmolly? grinwink

TimeIsACurrency Tue 16-Apr-13 12:56:10

Just wanted to add to the applause. I think you're awesome. grin
I'm also taking notes

survivingthechildren Tue 16-Apr-13 12:56:29

balloonslayer well that's what I was talking about when I said I handled it badly. We all blow our cool from time to time, but that was a major one from me.

Am I teaching him that this sort of thing is acceptable? That he can treat women like this?

Well, I think I will head to bed. Maybe a game plan will come to me in my sleep. I'll update you lot once I've spoken to DS tomorrow.

Thanks again for the help!

ChuffMuffin Tue 16-Apr-13 12:59:08

survivingthechildren If I could I would hi five you right now! grin

Don't be replacing the xbox either, if he wants a new one he can get a part time job to pay for it. That's another good lesson for him to learn!

CarpeVinum Tue 16-Apr-13 12:59:37

This the moment to start talking about militry style boarding school. Right now he'll be too shocked and off kilter to assume it is a bluff and might just get scared enough to wonder if potential consequences are worth the puff chested, rude as hell posturing.

He was pushing at boundries to see where they really lie these days. He kind of got his answer faster and more clearly than he expected. grin

landofsoapandglory Tue 16-Apr-13 12:59:50

Well done you! I am so glad everyone agrees you did the right thing! I bet the look on his face was priceless!

My 2DC (18&16) respect us value their belongings far too much to talk to us like that!

absentmindeddooooodles Tue 16-Apr-13 12:59:53

This made me chuckle. I think you handled the situation rather bloody well!!!

colditz Tue 16-Apr-13 13:02:42

Um, I don't think you handled that badly at all. Handling it badly would have been you ignoring the comment and pussy footing around, you have disciplined him. An x box is a privilege, not a right, you didn't throw his bed out of the window. I cannot believe how rude he was!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 16-Apr-13 13:03:00

Balloon, would the DW in question have been on the phone with a friend saying "go away, dickhead" to her DH and then saying that she'd put him in his place?

I think if the DH had snatched the phone and smashed it after that display of contempt, he would be getting some sympathy on here, actually.

yaimee Tue 16-Apr-13 13:03:05

Another who thinks you handled it well!

Asinine Tue 16-Apr-13 13:03:46

Although i agree that op had a totally understandable and instinctive response to her ds appalling behaviour, I doubt this will be the end of the problem.

Op said things had been going downhill for a while. I would say that he should be off the internet unless needed for school work and using the time to eat with and engage with the family until he shows that he is properly sorry for the way he's behaving.

If I was the OP I'd be writing him a letter (to avoid a shouting match) about how he is behaving and how it is affecting me and the family, and how I'm concerned about him, love him etc, Also include all his positive qualities, past or present and how I hope for things to improve now and in the medium and long term. I'd ask for a reply, too, especially how he's feeling about life in general.

One other thought, is there any chance he's been using any drugs?

Corygal Tue 16-Apr-13 13:04:05

Smart move, mutha.

You're my hero of the day.

Would have ached to see Ds' face...

garlicyoni Tue 16-Apr-13 13:04:45

Disclaimer: I'm interested in this because of my own 'journey' wrt rage. I do feel your punishment fit the crime! When you said "the red mist descended", do you mean you were honestly out of control? That's the kind of thing I've worked hard not to do any more. I do 'rage' when necessary, though, it's just that I take an extra split second to do it deliberately, iyswim, rather than being controlled by my inner alligator. And, yeah, I hope I would have smashed the console - the control would have seen me marching round the room pulling out the plugs grin

Not only was his behaviour unacceptably rude, but his words were highly sexist. If he'd called a woman in the shopping mall "bitch" then bragged to his friend that he put her "in her place", he'd likely be explaining to a policeman by now.

Borntobeamum Tue 16-Apr-13 13:05:04

Good for you!
I'm proud of you x

Well done.

And if the other children moan, explain that they can blame/thank their older brother for this, and you will hear no more talk of gaming. Ever.

Flisspaps Tue 16-Apr-13 13:06:13

I do hope you send him out in the morning to clean it up from the path grin

I say to fuck with writing him a letter. And going all touchy feely about are you OK is everything all right. He was being a wee shit with a smart mouth.

The only thing I'd be saying is you're bloody lucky you have a roof over your head.

Head down, mouth shut and work at school time sunshine.

And don't bad mouth your mother.

cakeandcava Tue 16-Apr-13 13:08:00

I think in the circumstances you've described it was totally appropriate to 'overreact' like that. I would absolutely have done the same. Well done you!

quoteunquote Tue 16-Apr-13 13:08:05

please get this postcard, fridge magnet and put them up at eye level all around the house

Well done you, and I would suggest that on no account to ever provide electricity for gaming again,

He will come through it. Just have a total no tolerance to abuse stance and stick to it, it will save his future relationships to learn this now, when he does eventually want to discuss it, explain this is why you will be taking a tough stance.

garlicyoni Tue 16-Apr-13 13:11:04

Love the poster, quote!

Lemonylemon Tue 16-Apr-13 13:12:03

OP: You didn't handle it badly. To have handled it badly would have been to let him get away with it. I have a nealry 16yo DS and believe me, I would have done the very same thing had I been pushed that far...

GiveMummyTheWhizzer Tue 16-Apr-13 13:12:44

May not be textbook parenting and I haven't read the whole thread - but bloody good on you! I think thats brilliant!

Won't be so smart mouthed now will he!

AllYoursBabooshka Tue 16-Apr-13 13:14:46

Bravo!

Sorry, not read the whole thread so there may be updates, but high five OP! I'd have lost my cool too. I think you played it perfectly! Please don't undermine all your good work by apologising or anything today.

BalloonSlayer Tue 16-Apr-13 13:15:33

Yes I wasn't criticising you survivingthechildren, as I said I can imagine doing the same thing myself. It's just that some of the "well he deserved it" "He drove you to it" "I'd have thrown him out of the window" replies remind me of some of the things you read on the relationships board.

Snatch I don't know . . . I am trying to be careful and not saying too much about my own feelings about this. I am just trying to point out that according to womens aid "making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls" are domestic abuse and according to a lot of posters on the relationships board there is NO justification for it.

My personal view was that survivingthechildren and her DS both showed some pretty awful behaviour and they need to talk - it's neither of their finest hours. I think it might turn out well in the end. I just don't think some of the posts on this thread are appropriate.

Longdistance Tue 16-Apr-13 13:17:47

Well done op, magnificent work.

I think wait til tomorrow, and make sure you don't replace that Xbox. He can get himself a little job to buy a new one.

He can have his meals downstairs at the table with everyone else.

And any more smart alec comments, and he can lose more privileges.

And make sure he's grounded, so just can't swan off to his friends to use their Xbox wink

Asinine Tue 16-Apr-13 13:18:55

Freddie
What you said is what I'd put in the letter, and more. i just think he'd have time to think and reflect if it's written down, rather than just defending himself or getting angry/shutting down straight away if op is is trying to talk to him.

And I do think people tend to behave worst towards those close to them when they have problems elsewhere, that's why I'd like to know what he's thinking to make him think it's alright to behave like that.

ChasedByBees Tue 16-Apr-13 13:19:00

Wow, that made me feel quite ragey just reading that! You did the right thing.

Passmethecrisps Tue 16-Apr-13 13:19:39

I had to post simply because I have never seen such an overwhelming display of support.

He was horrendously rude - beyond rude actually - he was abusive.

I have no idea how things will go but I can't imagine he will call OP a bitch again!

As a teen I remember my mum hauling the telephone right out of the wall while I was talking to a friend on it. I was utterly gobsmacked but she did make her point!

practicality Tue 16-Apr-13 13:20:55

Perfectly acceptable response. Good for you OP.

Agree - don't replace and let him earn enough money himself to replace it.

An xbox is a privilege not a right.

fromparistoberlin Tue 16-Apr-13 13:22:35

you did good OP! my dad once threw my brothers TV out of the window

stay firm , he behaved disgustingly and it was fit punishment

MaBumble Tue 16-Apr-13 13:23:07

What you taught him, right there when the red mist descended, was that if he calls a woman a bitch, if he thinks he's entitled to put her in her place there are, even from the calmest, most sensible women, consequences.

Ones that he will not like.

Well done you!

And don't apologise.

I don't think there's anything wrong with losing your temper with a teenager on very rare occasions when they have really crossed a line. If the OP was regularly destroying her ds's possessions if he misbehaved then obviously it would be a different story, but it's the very fact that it's out of character for the OP that makes it such an understandable thing to do.

I bet once he's grown out of being an 'orrible teenager that this story will pass into family folklore as 'the time that Mum lost it and threw the x-box out of the window'. My best friend as a child once wound her mum up so much that she chased her round the house with a wooden stool. Sounds horrific, but knowing her mum and her family very well, it was actually just bloody hilarious and we still laugh about it now grin

kitsmummy Tue 16-Apr-13 13:24:58

Well done Op, no judging here, I feel quite proud of you actually!

deleted203 Tue 16-Apr-13 13:25:15

Good for you! I'd have done absolutely the same. I would certainly not be apologising or replacing the x box.

The only thing I would be doing is saying to him once I'd calmed down. 'You do not ever speak to me in that way again. Who do you think you are?' And I would be expecting an apology and a lot of grovelling. He would be grounded, with complete loss of privileges.

As someone else said, he'd have also lost his 'teenage den' now. It would become a room that others can use.

He sounds appallingly entitled, TBH. I've never had one of my teens speak to me like that. And they wouldn't bloody dare be so rude round the neighbours, either. Manners and courtesy are expected at all times.

Think you handled it very well, personally.

MinnieBar Tue 16-Apr-13 13:25:31

Total respect OP.

Owllady Tue 16-Apr-13 13:27:12

I have done similar before now, bagged it up and chucked it in the bin
thrown the games out of the window blush

tbh it worked. It worries them, they love their xboxes hmm

PickledInAPearTree Tue 16-Apr-13 13:28:58

Another high five from me.

Costypop Tue 16-Apr-13 13:30:33

It will do him good, he needs to know he can't behave like that. I wouldn't be getting him a new either he can wait for a birthday or Christmas

TeeBee Tue 16-Apr-13 13:30:55

Another one who doesn't think you did the wrong thing. You didn't abuse him, you abused an Xbox, which he was using to abuse you. Absolutely no more Xbox, ever. He has to feel the full weight. His actions towards you.
I think you and your DH need to stand absolutely resolutely together on this and come down on him like an absolute ton of bricks. His behaviour is utterly, utterly unacceptable and he clearly needs that line drawn very, very strongly for him. How you both handle this will be so important. Has he apologised at all?

cathpip Tue 16-Apr-13 13:31:02

Absolutely bloody marvellous, well done op. He is a child who has no right to speak to you like that and am sure he is either having a good think about his behaviour or calling you black and blue on his mobile to his friends. Don't replace the xbox and to be perfectly honest don't let him replace it either, your house your rules and its about time he started showing some respect!!

readyforno2 Tue 16-Apr-13 13:31:10

Well done op!
Pretty sure I would have done exactly the same thing.

Really not looking forward to the teenage years..

DonCorleYoni Tue 16-Apr-13 13:32:45

I think he's lucky you didn't smash the blasted thing over his head!
Not that I would recommend or condone that, but he behaved disgustingly badly.

You did good.

Primrose123 Tue 16-Apr-13 13:34:01

I think you did the right thing OP.

I don't think you should apologise at all.

I also think he should be told that an attitude like that will not be tolerated, and if it continues, his other possessions will end up with the Xbox. He needs to apologise, and really mean it.

Perhaps he should read this thread and see just how unreasonable he is being.

Erebus Tue 16-Apr-13 13:34:37

I am always a bit hmm here on MN when some posters say 'You should never, never raise your voice to a child', finger busy wagging presumably. If I'd applied that in my household, I still be trying to get my now 11 and 13 year old DSs to listen to me to put on their macs and wellies so we could walk to playgroup! Sometimes, I personally think it's very important for DC (by which I mean 'old enough to know better') to hear mummy 'lose it', for several reasons: It reminds DC that you are a fellow human deserving of some respect; It reminds them who's in charge; judiciously and carefully used, it can have an amazing, instantaneous 'poor behaviour modification' bonus. And it can help them, in a safe environment, discover that if they shoot their mouths of in an arrogant, rude and deeply disrespectful manner, there can be unfortunate consequences. Better to learn that at home that outside a pub on a Friday night, I'd say. A smashed XBox is still a better outcome than a smashed jaw.

I have 'lost it' maybe twice since my 2 were say 6 or 7, so once every 3 or so years. It has always been spectacularly successful grin.

grovel Tue 16-Apr-13 13:35:04

OP, tell your son I'll lend him my name for 6 months. I don't mind being XBoxSucks for 6 months.

I hope this has the necessary impact on your ds! I am not looking forward to the teenage years but think I might show this thread to my dc, timely warning?

GreenEggsAndNichts Tue 16-Apr-13 13:36:39

Yes to all above who gave said there should be a follow-up massive loss of privileges as well as a need for an apology. Do not even entertain the idea that you should be sorry for the loss of his beloved XBox. He clearly didn't deserve it, and he needs to take a very very long time to rebuild trust.

It's a shame that his siblings will suffer because of him, but it's a learning experience for all of them.

Blu Tue 16-Apr-13 13:37:37

I think you and your DH should speak to your DS together.
Calm, clear and deadly.
Your DH needs to back you up and emphasise from a man's pov that talking about women like that will not happen on your house again. And that he needs to learn some respect generally. And that if he wants to replace his X-Box it will require an apology and money earned per hour doing a mixture of formerly / traditionally mens' and women's jobs around the home.
And in any case he won't be out of his room except for school until there has been a full and heartfelt apology.

Good luck.

I would also have been apoplectic.

What games is he playing, or company is he keeping, to be grandsatnding and showing off in that sexist way?

TeeBee Tue 16-Apr-13 13:44:16

I honestly don't think you should be paying him to do chores to replace an Xbox you don't even want there in the first place. I think it should be gone for good. I also don't think it will hurt that the others don't have it either. A good lesson will have been learnt today, if you disrespect your mother, there will be hell to pay. Have you ever known any child failing to survive life through the absence of an Xbox? Thought not.

Crutchlow35 Tue 16-Apr-13 13:44:25

Another who thinks you have done the right thing.

I also think a very stern discussion tomorrow. No apologies. No more X Box ever until he learns manners and respect. Good luck.

Whitewineformeplease Tue 16-Apr-13 13:45:46

You are a legend

Angelico Tue 16-Apr-13 13:47:18

I got the rage just reading it. I think he was bloody lucky you only threw the fecking X-Box out the window! Do NOT apologise unless he apologises for what he said.

TeeBee Tue 16-Apr-13 13:47:32

Blu, I'm loving the 'calm, clear and deadly'.

racingheart Tue 16-Apr-13 13:47:53

Maybe you could have handled it better, but his behaviour was so horrendous that he needed a shock tactic that over-rode it. You provided that. Better, of course, than hitting him.

Don't apologise, and work hard to get him to understand you're human too, with human fallibility and break points.

I don't think shock tactics are such a bad thing. If you regularly had physical fights and smashed things up to make a point, that would be a sign something has broken down, but the occasional dramatic act can work. Hope this one did. Not sure how I'd react if my son spoke to me or about me in this way but it would probably be close to what you did.

Angelico Tue 16-Apr-13 13:50:23

And I agree with Erebus here. I know from teaching teens that if you are generally laid back with kids on the rare occasion you do lose it (be that for real or as a performance) it has instant shock factor grin Ineffective parents / teachers shout and rage all the time - and it loses all power. Pulling it out as a big gun on the other hand... wink

FeckOffCup Tue 16-Apr-13 13:51:09

I don't think you did the wrong thing OP and I think it's totally different to one spouse/partner doing that to another, not really comparable. It's a parent's job to teach their child morals and manners sometimes by punishing them, it's not anyone's job to punish their partner, you can always leave them if their behaviour is unacceptable.

msrisotto Tue 16-Apr-13 13:51:15

I saw red just reading that too! What an attitude! I think I would get his father to speak to him, and tell him that he needs to be providing a grovelling apology to you right now.

miggy Tue 16-Apr-13 13:52:09

respect!
I think we should get T shirts printed with your picture on it as a symbol of the revolution smile
and yes I have a 16yr old DS with an xbox....

piratecat Tue 16-Apr-13 13:52:40

well he can go to a mates house now and play xbox can't he, wonder if he'd be as rude to his mates mother.

it's not even rude it's sheer contempt.

milkwasabadchoice Tue 16-Apr-13 13:55:43

Wow he was SO rude! I can't believe. He said that to you. I think a lesson that his actions and words can cause harm/have consequences, and that you cannot be spoken to like that, was in order. Think you delivered that lesson pretty effectively. It's ok to get really angry, IMHO, and to really show it, as long as you don't use violence against him personally!

lucysmam Tue 16-Apr-13 13:56:07

another one who thinks you did right! the shock factor of you spectacularly launching it out of the window will hopefully have made your ds think about his actions and their consequences in future

and i agree, don't buy a new one!! if you feel like getting a new one at some point then fair enough, but put it in a family-used area and limit screen time

interested to see what comes of this smile

redwellybluewelly Tue 16-Apr-13 13:58:53

As someone said above I agree rhe only downside would be him seeing this as an aggressive act.

However I'd have done the exact same thing. How dare he speak to you like that and also how dare he speak about you and like that?!

I hate xBox, my DH has one and although it is now rarely played it has still been responsible for many of our bitter arguments.

IAmNotAMindReader Tue 16-Apr-13 14:03:40

This incident is a prime time to sit him down and explain how his disrespect of you and potentially women in general is pretty poor behaviour. It may not have been the proudest moment you've had but it may have been enough to shock him out of the mysoginistic women are bitches and ho's type attitude which is curently so prevelant that he was starting to slide into.

Shellywelly1973 Tue 16-Apr-13 14:04:07

You definitely did the right thing!!

Some people might consider your behaviour a good example BUT

Its all well & good for people to have opinions on raising children but they have no idea how annoying the little sods can be!!

Your post made me gasp & laugh! Legend.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 16-Apr-13 14:04:51

wow..I am in awe!

DS had an xbox and it caused a lot of arguments and I have been sorely tempted to chuck it out and he wasn't even as rude, sexist or contemptous as your DS was.

I agree its probably not your finest moment but you are only human.

Shellywelly1973 Tue 16-Apr-13 14:05:02

That's meant to be not a good example!

TheCatInTheHairnet Tue 16-Apr-13 14:06:50

I actually laughed out loud when I read that. Just imagining his face and I'm still sniggering.

And completely agree with the poster who said better he learns an obnoxious, smart mouth can get you into trouble by the death of an XBox, as opposed to a broken jaw in a pub fight.

Machli Tue 16-Apr-13 14:07:12

Good for you OP. good for you! Can you begin to imagine how much more unbearable he would be if you hadn't gone in hard like that?

GreenEggsAndNichts Tue 16-Apr-13 14:08:44

Please don't think you're "teaching him that this is acceptable behaviour." Read all of the responses. He already WAS disrespectful to the main woman in his life (you). If he felt he could call you a bitch, and 'put you in your place', he was already heading for an adulthood of thinking women were people meant to be put in their place, by him.

Trust me. This is not the time to be touchy feely. Law needs to be laid down. This should be something he laughs about as a well-adjusted adult "boy I remember that time I called mum a bitch, I'll never forget that day.."

He needed this shock. Please no letter writing. United front with you and DH about what is acceptable in your house. Good luck.

fuzzpig Tue 16-Apr-13 14:11:50

<joins queue to high five OP>

Absolutely right IMO, it will have a massive impact on you because there's no way he would've expected it.

Don't back down and definitely don't replace it.

OP - in the long distant future when the xbox is replaced (by DS), or more immediately if he has other devices, the best bit of advice I ever had (from a colleague) is "he/she who controls the router is king/queen". He has his broadband router set up so that each of his teenagers' connections shuts down at their nominated bedtime. In your case, you could cut DS off altogether and then allow him, perhaps, to earn back connectivity - and, for example, if you have visitors then the network will be off for the duration.

.... just make sure you set a good secure password on the router wink

ParmaViolette Tue 16-Apr-13 14:15:52

Don't you bloody dare apologise to him or ask if he's okay.

He behaved appallingly. You need to come down on him like a ton of bricks when you have that chat eventually and state that he will never speak to you like that again or he's out.

Pander to his horrible abusive attitude and you might have a daughter in law crying to you one day about how he put her in her place and verbally abused her hmm

Massive respect to you OP.

deleted203 Tue 16-Apr-13 14:17:02

Agree absolutely with all those saying you must have a united front with you and DH making it clear in no uncertain terms that he does not ever ever speak to any woman in that way again. And that it will never be tolerated in your home.

He is in big trouble and needs to know it.

And he got exactly what he asked for, my dear. Anything less than such a spectacular explosion would have allowed him the upper hand.

moonabove Tue 16-Apr-13 14:22:53

What he said was absolutely despicable.

The great thing about the way you reacted was that it was completely proportionate to what he did and so ended the matter there and then. What was the alternative? Get into a terrible screaming argument along with your dh that would traumatise your other dc and fester for ages afterwards.

He has learned a valuable lesson - that everyone has a limit to the shit they will tolerate and that includes his parents.

longingforsomesleep Tue 16-Apr-13 14:32:16

I hope the way he spoke to you was out of character. If so, you'd be right to assume that he was still in whatever x-box role he was playing when he spoke to you. Even more reason to chuck the thing out of the window. I can't count the number of times ds's x box has been removed from his room. I really wish they'd never been invented.

I think your reaction was entirely reasonable given the way he spoke to you. Please don't now back down/apologise/buy a replacement. He's been taught a valuable lesson and you don't want to reduce its impact. He can work out how he's going to earn the money to buy a new one.

choccyp1g Tue 16-Apr-13 14:34:10

Wouldn't it have been fabulous if the DS had posted this as a reverse AIBU ?

Good for you OP, you did the right thing.

BeattieBow Tue 16-Apr-13 14:38:30

oh dear, poor you. I did a similar thing to my ds's xbox. he squared up to me and threatened me and used vile language too, and I too lost it and threw the x-box to the ground. Best thing i did tbh. I haven't replaced it - ds has to play his online games on the family computer downstairs and he is much more sociable.

I really worried about my ds while he had his xbox - addicted and violent and hardly came out of his room. He's much better now.

NotSoNervous Tue 16-Apr-13 14:45:56

Fair play to you OP. I would love to have seen his face.

<<offers another high 5>>

NatashaBee Tue 16-Apr-13 14:46:43

I hope your DH is standing right behind you on this one and backing you up. I'm on the fence about whether you should apologise as other posters have suggested. I would be more inclined to have a talk with him along the lines of how his behaviour pushed you to throw the xbox, time to make a fresh start and everyone be more respectful in future.

grin

If id have spoke to my mum like that I would have been kicked around my room!

He will always remember this. When he has kids he will be telling them the story of how Grandma lobbed his XBox out of the window grin

TomArchersSausage Tue 16-Apr-13 14:55:19

Wow good for you!flowers

I think you handled that beautifully. Computer games seem to insiduously turn kids into monosyllabic hermits. You did right, he was appallingly rude.

Awful to feel so at odds with your teen though, I can see why you feel upsetsad. Arguments are horrible but stand firm, he'll learn from this and let him be the one to put this right.

Marmotte3 Tue 16-Apr-13 14:57:35

stealthsquiggle - brilliant idea on the internet router, I was thinking something along the same lines myself, it would solve a lot of problems, if they can't actually get internet access then you won't have to waste your breath telling them to get off it. My boys are only little but best to be prepared.

I'm sure the same could be applied to Cable TV, I only watch a few programs on the internet so have no idea how this would work.

OP - good luck and stay strong

TerrysNo2 Tue 16-Apr-13 14:59:30

Fan-bloody-tastic

Well done you!! grin

Not exactly what you want to teach your children about how to react to bad situations but sometimes its worth reminding them that parents are actually real people, with feelings!

Don't you dare buy him a new one!

DIYapprentice Tue 16-Apr-13 15:02:41

Wow, way to go OP! He was behaving appallingly.

JustGiveMeFiveMinutes Tue 16-Apr-13 15:03:18

x boxes are horribly addictive. Some of DS1's friends (11) are already on their's all the time.

I wouldn't reproach yourself. He treated you in a disgusting fashion. He deserves to have had his x box destroyed frankly.

VicarInaTutu Tue 16-Apr-13 15:10:06

if its any help OP i did almost the exact same thing with DS laptop when he was 15.

it went out of the window. at 3am.
expect more turns like this - Ds tried leaving home a few times just for good measure (the longest i think he lasted was 3 days!) grin

he is 21 now. and almost human again.....and we get on much better now he is at uni.

you did the right thing. i know how you feel - because i was mortified at my own behaviour.....but i think sometimes they need a shock.

dont talk to him and do not apologise - he needs to apologise to you. Then you could talk.

CalamityKate Tue 16-Apr-13 15:11:36

Bloody good for you! Don't you dare apologise!

Believe me if he gets even a whiff of regret from you about it he'll milk it for all he's worth. You'll never hear the last of it.

Hold onto your outrage and be icily unrepentant. You are owed a huge apology from him.

OhDearNigel Tue 16-Apr-13 15:18:10

I think you reacted in the only way he would take notice of.

At least you've clarified "your place" ..

Wylye Tue 16-Apr-13 15:23:23

<High fives OP>

Can't offer an advice as DS is only 2, but have seen how destructive gaming can be, and applaud you for standing up to your DS.

I know a mum who lets her DC earn screen time each week, starting on Mondays, by doing chores/homework. Any bad behaviour and it's taken away at twice the rate it's earned. Works for them!

Babycino81 Tue 16-Apr-13 15:28:06

He should consider it lucky the Xbox didn't go over his head! Let him sweat. Don't make the first move.

Bloody brilliant. He got exactly what he deserved. You just scared the crap out of him and he now knows he isn't in charge. Do not apologize, don't let him see you blink, never back down. He was so so wrong.

Sunnywithshowers Tue 16-Apr-13 15:55:40

Another high five here!

My BIL tells the story of the day his mum threw a plate of spag bol out of the window - without opening it first grin

Sophiathesnowfairy Tue 16-Apr-13 15:55:56

Fantastic! though is not good to show that you lost control he crossed a line and he deserved that.

I would wait for him to come to you.

wasabipeanut Tue 16-Apr-13 16:00:24

Well done OP - I can't believe he would dare to speak to you in that manner. He was lucky it was only his x box that went through the window.

One day he will be telling his wife/mates whatever about this incident saying that it was the day he realised what a shitbag he had been to you. He will look back and feel ashamed.

I think children need to know that parents have a limit. Hecsurecas he'll does now grin

Applauds OP

Applauds Brian

CheerfulYank Tue 16-Apr-13 16:09:01

<stands and applauds>

Good for you!

BookieMonster Tue 16-Apr-13 16:17:05

Well done.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 16-Apr-13 16:19:42

Well done OP

How dare he speak to you and about you in that way!

What game was he playing? Some involve very misogynistic treatment of women, so he may be learning the attitude from the game. In which case it is a good job he can't play it any longer.

foslady Tue 16-Apr-13 16:23:38

Well impressed OP - my God I hope he's learnt his lesson - and don't you dare apologise, you have nothing to apologise for!

Ha ha. I was going to say chuck the Xbox out of the window.

I don't think you did did something so awful.

anklebitersmum Tue 16-Apr-13 16:25:57

Bloody good show survivingthechildren grin

Don't you dare buy him a new one or start apologising for being cross.

If you're going to have a conversation I'd make it about how lucky he was that his Dad wasn't stood behind you when he was giving it large and sneering.

Sneering and "putting you in your place"..my blood boils on your behalf.

It's only a shame no-one captured the moment for youtube like the guy who shot his daughter's laptop wink

pansyflimflam Tue 16-Apr-13 16:29:01

I guarantee you something, he will never ever forget this. Nor should he, the way he spoke to you is completely out of order and this is a proportionate reaction. Ground him too and DO NOT BUY ANOTHER ONE

Talkinpeace Tue 16-Apr-13 16:29:41

wrong board BUT : based on your opening post

YANBU

DreamingofSummer Tue 16-Apr-13 16:33:32

Total respect to you. He deserved everything he got and more

HolofernesesHead Tue 16-Apr-13 16:33:49

Blimey - not only have you well and truly got your son's attention, you've united MN in approval.

He just can't talk like that to or about you. Whatever else he may have in his life (e.g. xbox), respect is absolutely basic and absolutely non-negotiable. And you need to feel okay about re-enforcing that, even if it means lobbing stuff out of the window every now and then.

SoupDragon Tue 16-Apr-13 16:34:39

Oh, he so deserved that, OP!

YellowWellies Tue 16-Apr-13 16:36:00

Total respect. I only wish my dad and step mum would do similar to my shockingly rude step brother. Instead at 12 he's playing grand theft auto and they're wondering why he's suddenly so misogynistic <face palm>.

GirlOutNumbered Tue 16-Apr-13 16:37:14

Brilliant. I can completely see where you reaction came from, I would have been absolutely furious, to say the least.

IceCubes Tue 16-Apr-13 16:38:28

Wow OP! I think you might be my hero! As a teacher of teenage boys, I think you have absolutely done the right thing. They all turn up to school like zombies after too much time playing CoD and the like. I know what you mean about addiction, it's quite worrying how it takes over and desensitises them. My eldest son is after one and there is no way I am ever allowing him to have one!!!!!!

Good luck with DS!

Doshusallie Tue 16-Apr-13 16:39:25

sorry haven't read whole thread but the day my DSes talk to me like that will be the day they see their mother REALLY lose it. I think you reacted perfectly appropriately personally. How DARE he speak to you like that?

ClaraOswald Tue 16-Apr-13 16:41:08

Do you have any younger children who may be affected by the xbox out the window?

If so, make him tell them exactly why it went sailing out into the darkness.

Well done you for taking it out on the object and not the child. I called my mother a bitch once when I was 17. I wore her handprint for 3 days.

acceptableinthe80s Tue 16-Apr-13 16:42:08

Looks like you've killed two birds with one stone here OP. The shock factor will have let him know in no uncertain terms that the way he spoke to you was completely unacceptable, though I would suggest a follow up chat with dh to discuss further just how unacceptable that kind of talk is (at home and elsewhere).
Reading some of the replies it would also seem that he has perhaps learnt this kind of attitude from the games themselves so not allowing him access to these would be sensible.
Note to self: never purchase an Xbox.

PoohBearsHole Tue 16-Apr-13 16:44:52

For me, this is an example of tough love. You love him but you are fed up with the way he is now with the xbox, he then pushed the limit. So you killed the xbox.

If this was actual hard core drugs would you feel guilty about flushing them down the loo?

It also shows to your younger dc that you will not tolerate that kind of behaviour. I wouldn't feel sorry for them as they will give their big brother as much grief too if they are that keen on the bloody thing AND you have no ensured that they won't get addicted either!

All hail survivingthechildren let you be an example to us all grin

(BTW I lost my voice shouting at my dc due to one of them running off and hiding my engagement ring and the older one being so glued to the tv that dc1 didn't notice dc2 hiding it! Felt awful though for ages about it!)

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 16-Apr-13 16:49:36

OP, you didn't handle it badly. You handled it beautifully.

Delayingtactic Tue 16-Apr-13 16:52:53

Wow. I think you actually were really well controlled. The language he used was just awful, really nasty. You did well not to smack him over the head with Xbox.

Tbh I would actually wait until he apologises. He has learnt that his actions have consequences and now he needs to think of a way to rectify the hurt he's caused.

Heinz55 Tue 16-Apr-13 16:55:05

FWIW I was a terrible teen - maybe not quite your ds's comment but not far off it. My calm and lovely mum exploded once and followed me up to my room where she slapped me hard across the face. It shocked me so much. It didn't change things overnight - that took growing up and having to stand on my own two feet - but when I look back I realise it was the point at which I realised she would take only so much for me. I think it may have been a shock he needed.

VivaLeBeaver Tue 16-Apr-13 16:58:34

Good reaction, you did the right thing.

Not only would I not replace it I wouldn't let him buy one either. I'd tell him that his attitude seems to be adversely affected by the Xbox that I won't have one in the house again.

dotcomlovenest Tue 16-Apr-13 17:01:07

Woo and hoo totally deserved.

OrangeLily Tue 16-Apr-13 17:02:55

OP you are a legend.

I can't believe he said that though?!

How very calm and collected of you....it could have been a lot worse.

How has he been since?

SirBoobAlot Tue 16-Apr-13 17:08:12

OP, you are my hero.

I'd rather like to do this to my DBs xbox sometimes.

How dare he speak to you like that?! angry

Good reaction. He'll learn that you won't put up with him any more.

DewDr0p Tue 16-Apr-13 17:13:09

Can I add to the general chorus of approval? Good for you OP. He was totally out of order and you have very effectively drawn a line there.

<mentally picturing same scenario with ds2 happening here in 10 years or so...>

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Tue 16-Apr-13 17:14:43

shock
grin

Good for you OP.
I'd do the same myself.

Chockyeggpants Tue 16-Apr-13 17:26:27

Good on you OP.
Don't feel guilty.
Your DS needs to know and understand who is boss.

youmaycallmeSSP Tue 16-Apr-13 17:28:53

I think you did the right thing. For goodness sake don't ruin it by apologising or replacing the wretched thing!

Talkinpeace Tue 16-Apr-13 17:31:59

I just mentioned this thread to my son (nearly 13).
He knows I'd do the same now that OP has given me the idea .....

PurplePidjin Tue 16-Apr-13 17:34:20

That was natural consequences - dismissive of 5 days, lose it permanently. Bit of melodrama to bring him up short never hurt anyone unless they're standing under the relevant window

whiteflame Tue 16-Apr-13 17:35:25

YANBU OP. I would be taking everything of his away for a long time, including access to the den. Did he swear in front of your guests? If so, an apology from him to them is in order.

I disagree with BalloonSlayer. In a relationship between two adults the power balance is - or should be - equal. In a parent-child relationship the power lies with the parent. It's the parent's job to exercise this power, obviously as fairly as possible, so that the child learns. You just can't compare the two types of relationship and say "you wouldn't confiscate your colleague/DH's stuff". No, and equally teaching them how to behave is not my responsibility.

Can you imagine how funny it would have looked from outside... an Xbox just sailing through the window grin

YoureAllABunchOfBastards Tue 16-Apr-13 17:36:19

Well done.

I have advised parents to do this before when their kids are playing up at school. I wish they would.

Floggingmolly Tue 16-Apr-13 17:39:03

Are you a teacher, Bunchof? Are you giving this your "official" sanction? grin

DorisShutt Tue 16-Apr-13 17:39:41

Wow! I'm seriously impressed!

(And thinking of nominating this for classics as a rare example of a thread full of MNetters all agreeing wink )

ShipwreckedAndComatose Tue 16-Apr-13 17:42:19

High five!
No arguments from me about this

LaVitaBellissima Tue 16-Apr-13 17:46:37

Another high five here!

Brilliant grin

YoureAllABunchOfBastards Tue 16-Apr-13 17:47:45

Yup, totally official sanction.

ArrowofApollo Tue 16-Apr-13 17:48:04

Of course you handled it bady hmm
You didn't video it and stick it on YouTubegrin

Well done OP, just going to add to the cry of "don't apologise!".
What a horrible way for him to treat you!!! He totally deserved it!

magimedi Tue 16-Apr-13 17:48:46

Well done, OP - I just want to ad my voice to the chorus of approval.

Wishiwasanheiress Tue 16-Apr-13 17:51:43

Dd is 2. I know darn well that there will be a day like this with her, judging by a few sideways looks from her already, and u will be my inspiration.....

Not textbook but if all else fails, well, sharp shock can work.

jojane Tue 16-Apr-13 17:54:32

Havnt read the whole thread but I did something similar te other day
DS1 (6 years old) was having a mega tantrum, very disobedient all day etc etc. had been reading a little book that came free with a happy meal and I gave him 3 chances to be quiet and get his shoes on or I would rip a page out of the book, he didn't so I did!! It was only the title page but it shocked him ino being quiet (he values books over pretty much everything apart from iPad, wii and Xbox and those are family things so wouldn't dare smash them as DH would kill me!!!)

sadsong Tue 16-Apr-13 17:58:05

I'm fairly ashamed to admit we have 4 xboxes in our house! I have gathered them all in at different times in fury, but never thrown them out the window! I wish I had done at different times though wink well done! I think we all feel your pain !

IDoTakeTwo Tue 16-Apr-13 17:59:54

Sounds fair to me.
I'd also confiscate his phone.

Finally, if other children were affected by loss of Xbox, I'd buy them a bloody iPad each to underscore my point.

I hope no-one was below window!

MartinScorsassy Tue 16-Apr-13 18:00:35

You are incredible! grin
Well done OP flowers

Clarella Tue 16-Apr-13 18:05:03

fabulous! ds is currently only 18 weeks but I shall remember that one.

your son will never forget it. you made your point. I feel kids take stuff and things for granted too much these days <looks furtively at ever increasing collection of shiny noisy plastic offloads gifts from friends>

iZombie Tue 16-Apr-13 18:09:04

surviving you're an awesome mother. In years to come even your son will realise that. Sleep wellsmile

madhairday Tue 16-Apr-13 18:09:59

Brilliant! I would so do this.

I've vowed to never have an xbox in this house, this goes on my list grin

I salute you! thanks brew wine

Euphemia Tue 16-Apr-13 18:18:36

Wow what a cheeky wee bugger! I'll be very interested to hear what he has to say for himself.

Ohwooisme Tue 16-Apr-13 18:20:40

Fantastic OP. You did exactly the right thing <makes note in notebook entitled 'How to manage your teenage DS' for future reference!>

sparkle12mar08 Tue 16-Apr-13 18:20:45

I wouldn't have stopped at the xbox. I'd have gone on to black bag every single one of his damn possessions and would have binned them too. And to my eternal shame I'd probably have slapped him too.

Do not apologise, do not replace. Under any circumstances.

HiccupHaddockHorrendous Tue 16-Apr-13 18:22:23

I've just told DS (10yrs) about this thread. He looks like this ---> shock

He's says op's DS shouldn't talk to op like that because without her, he wouldn't be alive grin.

I pray that my DS doesn't turn into an unreasonable teenager gringrin

Rosesforrosie Tue 16-Apr-13 18:23:30

high five

Well done OP!

Toasttoppers Tue 16-Apr-13 18:26:28

Well done, x box has caused so many problems for my friends due to teen sons. We gave in and got DS x box live recently. We endure it in the sitting room so he can be monitored. I was a gamer when young so lots of aspects don't bother me quite so much. The way he spoke to you and his behaviour is terrible.

HotCrossPun Tue 16-Apr-13 18:26:42

Another one adding to the chorus of high fives.

Where could he have learned to speak to women like that from? The games he plays/TV he watches?

Taffeta Tue 16-Apr-13 18:28:21

Well done op. I'd have done exactly the same. With no regrets.

shockers Tue 16-Apr-13 18:35:12

I'm frothing on your behalf!

I think you did absolutely the right thing in letting him know that his X Box (which presumably you bought?), is not a vehicle for him to be disrespectful to you.

If I were you, I would not allow another X Box in your home. I think you'll find that his general mood improves without one.

Jestrin Tue 16-Apr-13 18:44:18

You absolutely did the right thing! I have stripped DS room before now due to bad behaviour.

Do not apologise to him!! He was disrespectful to you. If you back down then he gains the upper hand and he shouldn't. He needs to apologise to you and there should be some serious discussion from here on.

I have visions of the OP son doing an impression of a goldfish as he tries to work our what happened.

I hope you son apologises in the morning for his behaviour.

GeekLove Tue 16-Apr-13 18:51:18

How are things now OP?

Can I point out xboxes don't make people violent or rude or addicted any more than guns in America shoot people on their own. Like anything else it has to be used sensibly and appropriately and managed correctly.

But as I said earlier bravo OP!

DionFortune Tue 16-Apr-13 18:58:07

My blood boiled on your behalf OP. a serious sit down bollocking and complete withdrawal of all privileges is in order as well! How dare he speak to you like that?!

LifeSavedbyLego Tue 16-Apr-13 18:59:52

I'd say you handled it perfectl. I'd have ripped him limb from limb with my bare hands.

You and your dh need to put up a united from and lay down firm house rules that must be obeyed.

Don't you bloody dare apologies!

MyLifeisChocolate Tue 16-Apr-13 19:03:37

Good for you!

RhondaJean Tue 16-Apr-13 19:06:47

Wow op you are my new hero.

Respect!

WandaDoff Tue 16-Apr-13 19:06:47

He knows that you mean business now!

You are my hero smile

I'm going to show this to my 15 year old.

mum47 Tue 16-Apr-13 19:09:36

OP you reacted the way you did because your DS took things to another level with what he said.

If you had just rapped his knuckles and banned him for a few days, he would have learned nothing. By reacting the way you did you have shown him that he has overstepped the line and for every action there are attendant consequences - even if your reaction was more extreme than he expected - you have definitely achieved the shock factor! Yes do speak to him, and listen to what he has to say, discuss but don't apologise, stand strong and let him learn the lesson.

What is it about bloody games consoles? Our DS' are nearly 12 and 14, and we haven't had any major behaviour issues (so far - tempts fate) with them APART from relating to their games consoles - the major arguements in the house are about when they can get on them, how long for, some of their friends seem to be on till all hours, so why can't they etc etc. I rue the day we got them, and have probably said that I would like to throw them out the window - respect to you for actually doing so!

GrowSomeCress Tue 16-Apr-13 19:12:54

You did the right thing OP.

That was a really disgusting thing he said, actually.

willyoulistentome Tue 16-Apr-13 19:16:40

I wonder if you have started a revolution. There'll be games consoles flying out of teenagers bedroom windows all over the world..
gringrin

MaryRobinson Tue 16-Apr-13 19:19:43

If a partner/husband said that it would be a correct and unequivocal Leave The Bastard. This is a game changing escalation of teenage misbehaviour and he needs to know it.
I would also be letting whoever he spoke to know how seriously you view it and that it isn't normal.

Best of luck. Zero tolerance on this.

flybynight Tue 16-Apr-13 19:20:00

I don't see what else you could have done. I would totally lose it if one of my sons spoke like that. And I'm sure they will one day.

Don't feel guilty. He will survive the lose of a console and he will be better person for it.

BustyStClaire Tue 16-Apr-13 19:27:17

Perfect. Sometimes, short, sharp, shock speaks volumes!

ChippingInLovesSpring Tue 16-Apr-13 19:35:37

Well done. You did the right thing. It's caused nothing but trouble and now it's gone... it's a winning move all around and HE can explain to his sibs WHY it has gone.

I'm only a shortie - but he'd have enraged me so much he would have followed it out the window.

However, now you need to have a serious discussion with your DH and work out 'where the fuck we go from here' because you have a serious problem with your DS and this alone wont fix it sad

PenguinBear Tue 16-Apr-13 19:38:06

Wish my mum had done that with my brother when we were teenagers! Well done op smile

whataretheyupto Tue 16-Apr-13 19:41:58

Brilliant stuff. grin

Llareggub Tue 16-Apr-13 19:47:15

Binning stuff is a very effective parenting technique. I did a similar thing with my 6 year old DS the other day. He was poking various family members with a cricket stump and wouldn't stop, so I took it and snapped it in half. He has been much better behaved ever since, though he has an attitude problem of a 16 year old. After reading this thread he won't ever be getting an Xbox.....

TeddyBare Tue 16-Apr-13 19:49:22

Brilliant. I would also be removing access to the internet and phone. If the terrible attitude to women isn't coming from home then it must be coming from somewhere else, so I'd be cutting out that influence.

wonderingagain Tue 16-Apr-13 19:50:04

Grunting when spoken to, sulked because we asked him to eat at the table and not up in the den, swore at DS and I. I was mortified. And so so furious. Even writing those words now is making me sweat with rage.

I think your reaction was over the top. I think the rage comes from you feeling you have lost control over him. I think most people would be upset and sad about their son speaking like this, not angry. Anger is often a sign that you can't have control. Hence the next bit:

"you don't control me bitch". Then he turns back to the screen and says to his mate "sorry, I was just putting my mother in her place".

As others have said the attitude and language is rife on Xbox, no excuse but that's where it's coming from.

Do talk to him and listen to what he has to say on the matter of control. You may need to cut him some slack.

DebsMorgan Tue 16-Apr-13 19:51:03

Good for you, OP. Brilliant grin

Just adding to the chorus of high fives here!

No apologies from you please! As the parent of four teens I have had the red mist descend a couple of times over the years. To my shame I once frizbee-d a wooden ikea plate at DS1's head when he bad mouthed my once too often (he was 15 too) Just as well my aim is crap as I would probably have beheaded him grin blush . It's now a family joke!

You did the right thing.. it will stop him in his tracks like nothing elsesmile

lunar1 Tue 16-Apr-13 19:56:01

Think I'm going to keep notes for when mine are teens! You did the right thing op

GrowSomeCress Tue 16-Apr-13 20:02:17

Come on, wonderingagain why on earth should OP "cut him some slack"? What he said was outrageous.

Ruprekt Tue 16-Apr-13 20:05:19

Wow! Just wow! gringrin

Has he spoken to you yet?

Perfect response OP, every time I read what he said I get the rage on your behalf. There is NO excuse for his behaviour at all, and there is no way I'd be cutting him any slack whatsoever.

GreenEggsAndNichts Tue 16-Apr-13 20:16:54

Cut him some slack. haha.

Yes, that language is rife on voice comms for video/computer games. But if he doesn't know the difference between talking shit amongst peers (still its own problem of course) and actually talking shit to his mother, then this will be his wake-up call. He's 15 yrs old, he is not her peer or her friend, he is her child and he needs to realise there are consequences when he decides to call his mother a bitch to her face. angry

Bakingtins Tue 16-Apr-13 20:19:01

I think the way you handled it was fab.u.lous.

5 days confiscation was proportionate for the general teenage moodiness and rudeness, what he said to you later crossed the line into total disrespect and justified an extreme reaction.
Taking notes for when mine are teens.

almapudden Tue 16-Apr-13 20:19:03

Brava, OP!

Figgygal Tue 16-Apr-13 20:22:05

Great work op grin

SugarPasteGreyhound Tue 16-Apr-13 20:22:37

Well done. I felt very ragey just reading your OP!

Secondsop Tue 16-Apr-13 20:23:17

applauds OP. How DARE he speak to you like that.

VikingVagine Tue 16-Apr-13 20:25:36

Throwing the bloody thing out of the window sounds like you handled it well I would have thrown it at his head .

TSSDNCOP Tue 16-Apr-13 20:37:06

Bravo!

And make him pick up the remains from your path too.

If I'd let a thought of talking to my mother like that pass within 10 city blocks of my brain I'd have never seen daylight again.

Thought of the day: can we stop buying x-box and its like for our kids or is it too late. Not because of bad behaviour but just the mindless obsession?

Just read this to DP and he says your son has learned a valuable lesson. If I'd said that to my mum, I'd have been chased around the house. DP reckons his mum would have chased him with the rolling pin for that! grin

We have an Xbox, but it is a family one, located in a downstairs family room, and I will be careful which games they have. They have always been limited in the time allowed on it.

So far, with our 2 DCs (13 and 9), we have allowed CD players/radios in their bedrooms, but no TVs, computers, etc.

CheerfulYank Tue 16-Apr-13 20:40:21

I hate when people say "well if a husband did it..." hmm Adults and children have different needs ffs!

If my husband sat me on the naughty step or sent me to my room to compose myself, that would be ridiculous, yet these are perfectly reasonable things to do to a child because a parent's job is to civilize their child and prepare him/her for the world.

"Cut him some slack"...whatever for? He acted like a vile little shit and completely deserved it.

CheerfulYank Tue 16-Apr-13 20:41:32

FryOne my mom would have walloped me. Not a doubt in my mind!

FauxFox Tue 16-Apr-13 20:43:37

Whilst I applaud your decisive action this will now go one of two ways:
1. DS will realise he has overstepped the mark and apologise
2. DS will be incensed with rage and take it upon himself to trash your possessions at will whenever you tell him off.

I hope it is number 1 grin

Cheeky little bugger! WELL DONE! grin

Plomino Tue 16-Apr-13 20:50:12

Fantastic ! You did exactly the right thing . He behaved appallingly , and got the instant consequences of his actions . No time to make up excuses or whine about how hard done by he thinks he is . Absolutely excellent .

I have to thank you further OP. I just showed this to DS's 2 and 3 who are 13 and 15 . One's first comment was ' you don't control me was his first mistake '. And then 'wow! I would be SO dead for that . And you wouldn't have opened the window to chuck it '

As for the other one , I just mentioned that he might like to consider clearing his bedroom floor and he RAN . grin

My mum wasn't the walloping sort. But DP's mum would have done, with whatever was in her hand, for that kind of comment. He didn't get on the wrong side all right grin, even though it was something she did rarely. But she's actually a nice lady.

I very rarely even raise my voice. But because I rarely do, it does have the shock factor when it happens. So far a raised voice has been enough for the DCs when the overstep the boundary big time (followed by appropriate punishments). However, at some point in the teenageryears I expect the voice will not be enough, and I think I'll keep this thread in mind..... grin

BohemianWrapsForTea Tue 16-Apr-13 20:57:32

Well done OP. I think you've done exactly the right thing (and so do over 300 MNers, so it can't be bad grin)

pointythings Tue 16-Apr-13 20:58:21

Fabulously done, OP. I have DDs aged 10 and 12 (and they have no X-box) but if they ever speak to me like that the consequences will be very similar.

Don't apologise, make sure he knows that this is the end of an era and the start of a new one called 'DS learns respect'.

Schlock Tue 16-Apr-13 21:02:16

Nice one! grin

There's a story for the grandkids wink

DyeInTheEar Tue 16-Apr-13 21:03:11

I hope this is a watershed moment for your DS. He knows well and truly where the line is and not to cross it again. I hope he never refers to any woman, especially you, as a bitch and doesn't think women need to be put in their place again.

I think your DH needs to stand firm beside you and make it clear that kind of language and posturing is completely unacceptable - and that real men do not treat women like that. You've sent a strong message to your other DCs too. You are not there to be spoken to like that. To call your mother a bitch is terrible. I've been an absolutely vile daughter in my time but I've never called my DM a bitch!

I agree with the posters who have said that anger is acceptable. It's a natural, vital human emotion. We need anger to show that something is wrong and something needs to change. We can use our anger to show our DCs that there are lines that shouldn't be crossed. We show our DCs anger safely and we then forgive them when they are contrite. We do this so they hopefully don't behave like anti social twats in the "real world" where they will be lamped / hated / outcasts.

KateDillington Tue 16-Apr-13 21:03:39

You should write a parenting book. grin

Charlesroi Tue 16-Apr-13 21:14:39

Well done OP. Not only did you remove a catalyst of the problem, but you made the arrogant little gobshite look silly in front of his friend (who is probably still cringing with embarrassment).

Good on you. I would have probably done the same thing.

Me and my siblings still the discuss the day our mum, after listening to us moan about dinner (don't like this, don't want that) hoofed the lot out the back door and took herself off to the Chippy.

MyFace Tue 16-Apr-13 21:16:34

Forgive me, but I can't stop imagining you as a Miss Trunchbull-esque (from Matilda) figure, but obviously with much more sense and beauty grin

nannyof3 Tue 16-Apr-13 21:21:44

U done well..

Tell his friend to go home!

Sailormercury Tue 16-Apr-13 21:25:06

I second making him pick the bits up but please film him doing it and then put it on youtube.

Paddlinglikefluffyducklings Tue 16-Apr-13 21:50:41

Wow just read the whole thread.

Fantastic OP. I would be opening up this den tomorrow and making him join the 'real' world.

Looking forward to Part 2!

Jezabelle Tue 16-Apr-13 21:53:53

Yep, his friend definitely needs to asked to leave if he hasn't already. Cut him no slack! You would be doing him a disservice if you did not make him aware in no uncertain terms that this is outrageous, unacceptable behaviour.

Even if, as previous poster insinuated, you are controlling, it still does not make this in any way acceptable! To back down and apologise now would be like telling him it's ok to treat you like this and if he would like to be abusive to a woman with whom he has a relationship with in 5 years time, that's ok too. Well done for showing him that it's not.

almondfinger Tue 16-Apr-13 21:55:15

Wow, OP, well done. I was gobsmacked at what he said to you but then astounded by what you did next. I'd love to have seen the look on his face.

I would be another ensuring that DH is very much on your side. I'd also be dismantling the teenage den and making him rejoin the family unit and not planet of the apes.

Well done you!

BrokenBananaTantrum Tue 16-Apr-13 21:57:54

Brilliant
I still remember the day I came home from school to find all the stuff from the floor of my bedroom in bin bags in the back garden. It was raining too. My mum had warned me and warned me that she would do this if I did not tidy my room and she went for it. I kept my room tidy from then on beleive me! I was 14yo at the time. Needed a lesson in respect and I learned it.

If I've read this correctly the friend is whoever the DS was talking to online, ie not someone actually there in the room.

LOL Jezabelle - friend wasn't physically there - he was sat in his own pit house wondering why the connection suddenly dropped. I wonder how long it took the OP's DS to close his mouth and work out how to explain grin

brdgrl Tue 16-Apr-13 22:05:19

OP, I can think if a couple of occasions when I wish I'd just done the same. (Although in my case I'd be writing DSS and I think I'd get a different response on here!)

Plus3 Tue 16-Apr-13 22:50:23

I would have done the same thing myself - my worry would be on where to go next.

Great if you can both apologise & move on, but what if he remains angry & disrespectful?

Good luck smile

AlwaysOneMissing Tue 16-Apr-13 22:58:30

Well done op! They were truly awful things he said to you, I'm not surprised you lost it.
Will be interesting to see what he says about it tomorrow... good luck.

I once threw a sandwich at DD because she said she didn't fancy what was in it. It was 6.45 am and I was doing packed lunches.
She never complained about her packed lunch ever again, and still refers to the incident 10 years later.

And that was a TINY thing in comparison to this smile

A teacher did this to my class once, not with a computer but a tray of pens, rulers etc.

We were dicking about and not paying attention... He picked the entire tray up and without taking his eyes off us, threw the entire lot at the wall behind him. Shocked us all into silence. We never did it again though.

Op, I add to your high fives, now you have so many your hand will be sore! I really hope your son learns his lesson.

As many other posters have said - if I dared to speak to my parents like that... I'd barely have survived.

Fedupnagging Tue 16-Apr-13 23:01:22

Well done OP. I can understand why you think you handled the situation badly but, actually, that was your immediate reaction to a completely inappropriate remark - and as has already been said, its good for,your ds to see you angry in that situation.

Wonder how your DS will explain his lack of Xbox to his mates!

FreshLeticia Tue 16-Apr-13 23:02:56

Ha, OP, bet he never even dreamed you would do that. Sometimes teenagers need to know that they have driven you too far.
Have a quiet evening now and leave him to come to you to apologise.
And, don't buy a new one for a while. I'm saying this because if they buy their own you are not really entitled to destroy it, but if you buy it then it is your perogative.

ImperialBlether Tue 16-Apr-13 23:12:40

You did exactly the right thing, OP. He has a terrible attitude and now he has to explain to his friends exactly why he can't play the stupid thing.

If you'd confiscated it you would've had him moaning and crying and pestering you for it and it would've been just as much a punishment for you. It's like grounding someone - it's awful being around someone who's been grounded.

Wow, I've come to this late, but have to agree. Respect!

I've read your OP to my 15 yo DS who was playing Minecraft while on Skype with his mate. He was shock at the 'bitch' comment thank goodness but still thought you were 'awesome.' grin

FairPhyllis Tue 16-Apr-13 23:33:48

I think that was a pretty goshdarned good way to handle it, myself.

I'd want to know where he got that contemptuous attitude towards women and if he speaks to/about other women or girls like that.

Making him apologise to his sibs about why there will no longer be a games console in the house is a good idea too.

FairyArmadillo Tue 16-Apr-13 23:59:29

I've only read up to page 3. I agree with NOT replacing the X Box. Not only that- I'd be reclaiming that teenage den for myself.

bootsycollins Wed 17-Apr-13 00:06:02

I use to threaten to cut the plug off, your my heroine grin

This will be hilarious when it's all blown over

*disclaimer this could take min 2 years to blow over

FairPhyllis Wed 17-Apr-13 00:08:27

Oh and btw OP, congratulations on a spectacular start to your MN posting career. I will never forget this thread grin You're a goddamn hero.

confusedmuch Wed 17-Apr-13 00:13:32

Really awesome, well done I salute you and would also wonder if this is a first in the history of mn? Thank you for your services to humanity and especially your future daughter/son in law grin

TheCatInTheHairnet Wed 17-Apr-13 00:16:31

I've come back to this thread tonight as I think it's my all time favourite thread. A distraught woman, who has just gone through one of her very least fine parenting momemts, admits to such expecting a flaming. And, instead, she gets 15 pages of parents saying, "Way to go!" Parenting teens can be a real rollercoaster sometimes and I think we can all resonate with that.

What a welcome change from the recent Amanda Holden/Some DM reporter hype.

survivingthechildren Wed 17-Apr-13 00:26:03

Ha! Never thought I would be so pleased to have 350 people call my DS a little shite! grin I actually did not see him this morning as he had taken off out the door at first light - but called school and he at least made it there.

Now that I've had a chance to think about it, I am no less angry. DH and I had a long chat this morning - I really feel like how we handle the aftermath of this will be a make or break type situation.

To answer a few questions, so he has never spoken to me or DH like this before. I couldn't tell you where it comes from, certainly not modelled by his father! He has always been one to argue back, debate a point until he's blue in the face, he grew out of a lot of the silliness we saw a child but recently the the attitude has been getting darker - but has just been sulking and extreme gobbiness.

DH and I will talk to him first after school today, about exactly why his comment was unacceptable, and let him know on no uncertain terms will anything of the sort every be tolerated under our roof. We will then have a family meeting where we will let all DC know the standards of behaviour in our house, and DS can make his apologises to them then. I don't know how that all will go, I'm only praying that he recognises how disgusting his behaviour was.

He will also be grounded for a month, and no games console will be allowed until the year is out. If he would like one after that, he can get buy his own Xbox and games, and he will be buying and setting up the Internet for it. And also, it will remain in the front room. An apology to the neighbours for the orginal infraction will also be happening.

So, what do you reckon mumsnet? Am also thinking having to spend some of his summer volunteering with a women's group would nt go a miss, but is that overdoing it?

MaryRobinson Wed 17-Apr-13 00:30:28

Xbox when he has his own place? Downsides easier to monitor if he is at home

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 17-Apr-13 00:40:06

Not sure a women's group would appreciate a grumpy male teen, tbh.

LittleEdie Wed 17-Apr-13 00:45:25

Pretty sound response OP. Just wondering if what he hears from that is that he can have a games console at the end of the year. And it might therefore be something to fixate on. I think you should see how he responds over time before telling he can have one back.

NatashaBee Wed 17-Apr-13 00:47:39

I think your punishment sounds sensible, OP.

ChasedByBees Wed 17-Apr-13 00:58:37

Sounds good OP. I think something to tackle the misogyny in particular would be good by like OldLady says, I don't think a woman's group would appreciate him that much.

piprabbit Wed 17-Apr-13 01:02:37

If you are going to be discussing standards of behaviour for the house, make sure you are clear that throwing things out of the window in anger in not acceptable.

My DM would, very occasionally, get very angry with my fairly mild teenage attitude. She would threaten to hit me with a wooden spoon. One day, I can remember looking at her, beside herself with anger, and I knew that I had won because she had lost control of herself. I snapped that bloody spoon in half and in that moment she lost my respect and the right to discipline me. It has taken a very long time for our relationship to recover it's equilibrium, about 25 years until I had my own DCs.

Just saying.

Wylye Wed 17-Apr-13 01:04:05

Sounds good and balanced, though Edie has a point - maybe wait til after you've discussed the other bits (and he's apologised) before raising the gaming/Xbox issues.

I made DH read your OP earlier and he was impressed! He said "Well it certainly is an Ex-box now" <boom-tish...>

survivingthechildren Wed 17-Apr-13 01:23:47

Hmm good point ladies. Will just say there will be no Xbox for the foreseeable future. If and when there is a continuous marked improvement, he can see about sorting himself out for one.

wonderingagain Wed 17-Apr-13 01:41:24

My guess is that he will go round to friends and play.

Wylye Wed 17-Apr-13 02:01:35

I was thinking about this - if he's grounded for a month, that's fine, but after that he might start practically living at a mate's house if he can Xbox there.
Maybe have a word with his friends parents so they understand that the Xbox ban applies to him not your house, like car insurance belonging to the driver not the car!

Sorry, bad analogy, I have no idea why I'm still awake. <wanders off to bed>

scripsi Wed 17-Apr-13 02:14:33

I think it's a good plan. I would make sure that you absolutely don't apologise for throwing out the window: I really think it was completely justifiable.

HullMum Wed 17-Apr-13 03:05:17

haven't read thread but can't see what you did wrong

EugenesAxe Wed 17-Apr-13 03:16:00

I completely agree with what freddiem said. I have looked at the last few posts too; maybe the volunteering would be a bit OTT but certainly something that gets him out wouldn't hurt.

Given he was online with others I would perhaps research addiction to gaming and look at the content of the game to see if that could be having an influence on him & his moods.

In dealing with him would be collaborative; not overly touchy-feely but talking to him as an adult about whether he is feeling OK. I dunno; I feel what piprabbit says is pertinent, especially about apologising (frankly) for your poor example of behaviour. Your current suggestions may feel a little draconian to him and cause him to rebel further; to 'play up' to the childish image he may think you have of him. Good luck anyway!

Athrawes Wed 17-Apr-13 03:21:06

So, we read the stuff about how their frontal cortex is disengaged at this age and how they are only able to make a limbic (emotive response) so we need to cut them some slack...but that, putting the bitch in her place was calculated and disrespectful and a sign of intelligent life.
What I am saying is - he was not being a victim to his hormones, he was being vile.
He deserves everything he gets.
Calm down. Have a cup of tea.
Then tomorrow sit him down and say - "if I had said to my friend "sorry, just putting the vile brat in his place" and carried on like you did, how would you feel".
The idea is to get him to develop empathy.
Hopefully he says "I would feel pretty shit and/or angry".
Then you get to say "so did I! so I responded the way I did".

Then maybe set some agreed boundaries? Rules that the two of you agree on. This could be the wakeup call that he needs and the wisest piece of parenting you ever did.

Do not buy a new XBox!

Longdistance Wed 17-Apr-13 03:39:07

Sounds good op.
Grounding him, and no Xbox, should work a treat.
Anymore attitude from him, and start confiscating phones, and other gadgets in due course.
Not too sure about getting him to volunteer at a women's centre. Maybe, volunteer elsewhere, I agree that they won't want a grumpy teen.

Minion Wed 17-Apr-13 06:40:24

Good on you OP.
Many a good woman have been made feel disrespected throughout the years, whether it be by their significant others, family, children, strangers or indeed by other women.
What you showed your son here is that you won't be treated like shit by someone you've loved, homed, clothed, Fed, cherished, and respected yourself by someone on the verge of young adulthood.
Never mind cutting him some slack, cut yourself some. Many, many people would have done worse.
I suspect you'll get the silent treatment for about 3 days to which point he may well realise he was being an arse and finally want to talk.
I would get your husband to have a man to man with him, alone, so you and other kids may have to vacate the house while he does it, stating very clearly that no man should speak to a woman let alone their mother in any such manner.
Dont apologise and for what it's worth dont tell him he can have another one in a years time. It's an incentive. A reward. He doesn't need that.
A short sharp shock would do him the world of good.
When he comes to wanting to talk. Dont cry, even if he becomes really sweet. Acknowledge his apology, reiterate that any such behaviour as atrocious as this in the future will have similar consequences, then move on.
Dont let the rage fester, but similarly dont pretend like it never happened as he will take that as carte Blanche that it didn't.
He will forever know that underneath that calm exterior mum has, theres a strong woman who will break should she be pushed enough.
Good luck.

Oh and change your WiFi password.

missnevermind Wed 17-Apr-13 06:49:50

As the mother of a soon to be 15 year old boy with an Xbox I stand and applaud you. smile

Mrsrobertduvall Wed 17-Apr-13 06:54:56

Oh I have loved this.
Just read your post to dd 16 and she has rolled about the floor.

OP - I think your plan for after school is perfect. I'm glad you are speaking to him separately before the family meeting. Nothing like feeling ganged up on for inducing a bit of teenage martyrdom.

Hats off to you. I am going to be a lot stricter with the Xbox here from now on. My dc are a few years off teenage years but already DS is rather too fond of it - although times etc are restricted and no online gaming.

FWIW I can see myself having done the same in that situation (after I reassembled my exploded head) although thinking about it the Xbox is next to a ground floor window with grass underneath so I don't think chucking it out would have had the same impact grin

Good luck this afternoon.

AllOverIt Wed 17-Apr-13 07:01:41

Well done OP. grin

The punishment sounds perfect too.

SoupDragon Wed 17-Apr-13 07:11:02

piprabbit - do you have teenagers? I see where you are coming from but I wonder if your opinion will change when you experience it from the other side.

DIYapprentice Wed 17-Apr-13 07:15:04

Punishment sounds ideal! Sounds like you REALLY shocked him if he snuck out of the house before you were up to avoid facing you!!!

Good for you OP.
The consequences sound sensible.

I have a 15 and 14 year old. There have only been 2 occasions that I have lost it in a major way.
The first time, I took my sons blackberry phone and crushed it with my foot. He is still earning it back.
The second time I took the door off my daughters bedroom. And threw it in the garden.

I think the shock tactic will work. For a while anyway.
It did with mine.
Teenagers are hard work, constantly pushing the boundaries of acceptable behaviour.
We all so stuff in the heat of the moment. On this occasion I think your reaction was justified.

There are no games consoles in bedrooms here. And the wireless settings switch off the Internet at 10pm.
Sometimes I feel like a flipping policewoman.

I just hold on to the flashes of decent human being that I see in my DCs from time to time and hope that they will come through this bloody teenage crap quickly

Jaynebxl Wed 17-Apr-13 07:32:45

Wow! Dreading the teenage years but well done OP!

Waiting to hear how things go after school...

BeckAndCall Wed 17-Apr-13 07:32:53

Another mum watching with begrudging respect here - many times I felt like kicking the damn box. We used to just unplug the modem so he had no connection ( he seemed alright when playing solo games, just got grotty in the online mode)

I'd wait and see how he behaves when he comes in, but clearly you have to talk about it. You can apologise for breaking it but don't replace it until his birthday or Christmas.

You'll find him a different boy without it - he might smile or form a complete sentence.

If its any consolation, they turn out lovely by the time they're about 18 or 19. Or when they discover girls.

ItsintheBag Wed 17-Apr-13 07:45:30

Wow, go OP.
I dread the teenage years I really do.Your DS will have a learnt a lesson that everyone has a limit ,which he met and exceeded.
I wouldn't say sorry for flinging it out the window.It's exactly where it needed to be given what was said.

usualsuspect Wed 17-Apr-13 07:47:51

Why is everyone dreading the teenage years?

MNetters don't like teenagers much do they.

sydlexic Wed 17-Apr-13 07:48:13

I am very lonely in my view. Whilst I understand what you did I don't think you should be praised for bad behaviour anymore that he would be.

You should be the adult and lead by example, sorry.

flow4 Wed 17-Apr-13 07:49:58

Just found this thread before heading out to work, and you've made my day, stc. smile

I'm just hoping the window was open and you don't find a neighbour unconscious on the path outside in the morning... grin Other that that, it may not have been textbook parenting, but that's only because the textbooks aren't written by people who have real-life foul teens to deal with.

So, another medal here from me. smile

I love my teenagers usual

Most of the time they are bloody amazing. Then there are the times that they back chat, keep me up half the night worrying, shout, eat every bit of food in the house, stay out late and don't answer their phones.

Tbh I have found the teenage years the most challenging but also, as they grow up into young men and women, the most enjoyable, if that makes sense?

ItsintheBag Wed 17-Apr-13 07:59:06

Dreading the teenage years is not the same as disliking teenagers hmm

Mine are stroppy enough without giving them hormones as well.

TiredyCustards Wed 17-Apr-13 08:08:02

Good for you op. Those consoles are the devil's work!

usualsuspect Wed 17-Apr-13 08:08:42

I wouldn't be happy with pages and pages of internet randoms calling my DS a little shit etc no matter what he had said. But each to their own

SoupDragon Wed 17-Apr-13 08:12:58

Let's hope your DS doesn't behave like a little shit and you don't tell a bunch of "randoms" on the internet about it then.

BohemianWrapsForTea Wed 17-Apr-13 08:23:54

Usual, I have just started the teenage years with my ds, and so far it's shit - give me a tantruming unreasonable Duracell bunny of a toddler any day - far easier than dealing with a grunting stroppy teen! (IMO of course)

piprabbit Wed 17-Apr-13 08:29:00

Soupdragon I don't have teenagers, but I can clearly remember being a teenager and my mum losing it. I wasn't scared or upset, I can remember feeling quite detached and thinking "you ridiculous little woman". And I wanted to point out to the OP that, although most people are saying that the OP acted in a strong, powerful way, there is a possibility that from her DS's point of view it made her look weak and ineffectual.

schilke Wed 17-Apr-13 08:39:15

Doesn't it just send the message if I'm angry it's ok to smash things. My brother did exactly the same to his ds's Xbox. I was shocked - it was under less provocation than your situation though.

Jaynebxl Wed 17-Apr-13 09:11:56

Usualsuspect I can only speak for myself but as a primary teacher I had loads of experience with younger children before having my own. So I have always felt happy with children up to the age of 11. I did one term work in a secondary school and found it a bit frightening so yes, I'm not looking forward to the teen years and all the hormones that come with it!

SoupDragon Wed 17-Apr-13 10:16:43

I can clearly remember being a teenager

That is completely different to being a parent of one. It is only hen you get to be in the position of a parent to a teenager that you realise what your own parents went through.

I have apologised to my own parents quite a few times since having children of my own!

BohemianWrapsForTea Wed 17-Apr-13 10:17:06

Piprabbit, from your posts, I would surmise that your teenage years perhaps weren't as mild as you were suggesting. It sounds as though you were very arrogant.
Thinking "you ridiculous little woman" doesn't sound far off the attitude of the op's son.
From this very brief snapshot, I find myself feeling a little sorry for your DM.

JollyJumpingJelly Wed 17-Apr-13 10:21:15

You did the right thing. If he carries on thinking he can talk about his mum with so little respect, imagine how he would treat future partners. If he had said that to a wife in the future it would be abusive, it's no different now. Make sure he gives you an apology before things go back to normal too. He needs to really understand how wrong it is to speak to someone like that. On a side note, I would have loved to see his face grin

GreenEggsAndNichts Wed 17-Apr-13 10:30:15

Agree Bohemian. The very very few times my mother had cause to be angry with me, and show it, I knew it was justified. I'd pushed her too far.

And OP needs to be careful about any potential apology re: XBox out the window. Because the fact that the XBox is gone is not her fault; it would have been gone from the house, one way or the other. The method was not the textbook ideal way to do it, however, the way the DS spoke to her was hardly textbook perfect son behaviour.

As several of us have said, we (or family members) remember the day we pushed our parents to the breaking point. It made an impression on us. Most of us came out the other side with our relationship intact and better for it. The key here is the OP doesn't do this regularly. This was a one-off, in response to a shocking one-off (hopefully) from her son.

OP I think your plan sounds good. It's very important you show a united front with your DH on this. Definitely let him do a lot of the talking here as well; your son needs to hear from both of you that that is not the way you speak to each other in your house. etcetc. DS obviously already knows how you feel about it wink hence my saying to let DH get his word in as well.

piprabbit Wed 17-Apr-13 10:36:12

I haven't criticised the OP, or judged her for what she did. I have only tried to give an alternative point of view. And for that I have been called arrogant and it's been implied that I probably deserved a good thrashing as child. Lovely.

survivingthechildren Wed 17-Apr-13 10:49:23

Hi ladies,

Sorry to leave you all hanging, but here i the update! When he shuffled in the door, DH and I immediately asked him to come and talk.

Very glad we didn't speak to him last night, as having the whole day to think about this helped us both I think. I started by saying, to DS "I've thought all day about what I should say to you and how I'm going to make it stick". We talked about respect, and why I lost it, and that this sort of disrespect has not ever, and will not be tolerated towards us.

And he did apologise. He said that he was sorry for what he said and knew it was way out of line. He said he knew it was disrespectful to use that sort of language, and that he knows I do a lot for our family. He then apologised graciously to the other DC. He's not one to admit when he's wrong, so hopefully this means he heard us.

And as for the punishment... After a few of you pointed out that I would have to haul sulky DS to a refuge centre to volunteer it may not be the most effective punishment, we decided that for the month he is grounded he will take over 4 of my usual household chores. DH and I have quite a good rhythm going on when it comes to household maintenance neither of us have high standards, but DS will take on certain things in addition to him own chores. I figure he'll have hours freed up now that the xbox gone!

Thank-you so much for your kindness ladies!

P.S. As I was finishing up this post, DS passed the lounge on his was to shower. He just doubled back and said, "You know, I really am sorry Mum". I told him that tomorrow is a new day, and he has every opportunity to grow from here. Let's hope he can back his words with action!

willyoulistentome Wed 17-Apr-13 10:52:10

So no more doubts about whether you did the right thing then?????

gringringrin

You SO did the right thing, and you have HELPED your DS no end!

Congrats!!!!

Gigondas Wed 17-Apr-13 10:52:12

Thanks for the update- sounds like it has shocked him into thinking again. And like the new day idea.

TimeIsACurrency Wed 17-Apr-13 10:53:36

Fantastic! thanks

Well done!

Did you take a photo of the smashed X Box? Just thinking it could go in facebook/pinterest as a warning to other teenagers!

LemonBreeland Wed 17-Apr-13 10:59:13

Just found this thread. OP you did your DS a big favour, and you did not overreact.

He has learnt a valuable lesson.

Jaynebxl Wed 17-Apr-13 11:14:22

Wow fantastic! Sounds like a calm family talk about respect hit the right buttons. I can imagine myself doing what you did then being wracked with guilt over it but it sounds like as a family you've all pulled together. Good for the other DC to know that kind of rudeness won't be tolerated too.

OP you are a star.

flowers

Good on your DS to do the right thing (eventually).

NinaHeart Wed 17-Apr-13 11:37:28

Excellent result all round. It sounds to me as though your DS has learned a very valuable lesson for life and it has certainly hit home.
Well done to you...applauds.

Survivingthechildren - I told my stroppiest teenager (ds3 - who displayed some pretty nightmare-ish behaviour when he was 13-14-15, but is coming out the other side of it now) what your ds had done, and your response, and his horror that someone could do that to an xbox was almost comical!! But he was equally shocked at how rude your son had been.

What you did was in the heat of the moment, and very drastic, but I still think it was the right thing to do (even though ds3 says he'd rather I threw him out of the window than the xbox - he would heal, he says), and you have handled it perfectly since.

GreenEggsAndNichts Wed 17-Apr-13 11:38:34

aww excellent, well done to everyone involved. smile

Dotty342kids Wed 17-Apr-13 11:39:25

That's brilliant, I've been following this thread with huge interest as I have a 10yr old who I know is going to be asking for an X box in the next year or so.
I thought what you did was amazing, funny, brilliant but might have the potential to come back and bite you depending on how you handled the follow up.
Sounds like you and your DH did a fantastic job and that your DS is still the lovely boy he ever was and this was a hopefully, temporary, blip!

StephaniePowers Wed 17-Apr-13 11:47:10

OP I kind of love you smile
Well played.
FWIW I would have done exactly the same if my son spoke to me like that.
I've always balked at throwing possessions away but in the circs - nice one.

BeckAndCall Wed 17-Apr-13 12:26:10

surviving, with that last moment from your DS, his heartfelt, 'I really am sorry', I can see he's going to turn out just fine - you've clearly done something right over the years and he's clearly a really decent boy under neath this one off strop.

MrsSpagBol Wed 17-Apr-13 12:29:15

Love a happy ending! flowers

Rosesforrosie Wed 17-Apr-13 12:31:50

Well done OP. beautifully handled.

youmaycallmeSSP Wed 17-Apr-13 12:33:27

Well done OP.

maxomummy Wed 17-Apr-13 12:36:14

Well done OP! Made me chuckle this one did :-D Agreed with everyone else, wait until you're both calmer then have a talk. Maybe it'll be the shock he needs to sort out his overall attidue if you could make him see it was the last straw for you and work out a plan for him to earn another x box. It could be the making of you, seems like a stand was needed and you took one! Don't feel bad, many parents would have hit their child for speaking like that and you didn't so you did really well imo. Good luck with the chat xx

Crutchlow35 Wed 17-Apr-13 12:38:44

Well done.

Maggie111 Wed 17-Apr-13 12:40:17

Bravo OP! flowers

IrnBruTheNoo Wed 17-Apr-13 12:57:35

Fantastic result for everyone all round. Will have to remember this thread for when my two DC turn into teenagers!

HipHopHooray Wed 17-Apr-13 12:59:49

you handled it brilliantly, beginning to end.

Gerrof Wed 17-Apr-13 13:06:28

I am glad OP that it has all worked out well - it seems as if you have a good relationship with your son overall and hopefully you have nipped this behaviour in the bud.

But tbh I think a lot of the whoop whoop you go go girl kind of cheerleading on this thread has been a bit strange. Some lovely soul said earlier in the thread that if her son said that to her he would have no teeth left. What kind of thing is that to say?

I agree with soupdragon, she has spoken a lot of sense. I really don't blame you for seeing red, and I am glad it has worked out, but I don't think that kind of behaviour is legendary tbh.

Sunnywithshowers Wed 17-Apr-13 13:08:46

<applauds> flowers

LadyBeagleEyes Wed 17-Apr-13 13:10:42

I sort of agree with Gerrorf.
Losing it like that is nothing to be proud off, however good the outcome was.
Supposing the child had been a particularly stubborn toddler, and you 'saw red' like that.
I think you'd have got totally different replies.
And as for destroying an X box, are all of you made of money or something?

OnTheNingNangNong Wed 17-Apr-13 13:22:17

excellent result!

RebeccaMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 17-Apr-13 13:29:49

Hi all,

We have moved this to our Teen topic now so that it doesn't disappear.

smile

shewhowines Wed 17-Apr-13 13:38:50

Thanks Op

I would probably have done the same and also be wracked with guilt over it. I may even have, like you were thinking of, backtracked or apologised. You've now given me the strength to punish harshly when needed, and not feel guilty although i hope I won't be throwing any xboxes out of the window in the near future

The best result you could have hoped for. Well done for being calm and sticking to your guns.

IloveJudgeJudy Wed 17-Apr-13 13:43:20

I have been keeping up with this thread. I have three teenagers - 18, 16 and 14. I read the OP out to them, and they were horrified at your DS's language. DS2 is the one of our DC who suffers if he plays too much XBox/PS/computer games, even Minecraft.

I think your DS has also reacted very well to what has happened. You all took some time to discuss it, not in the heat of the moment and that has been good for all parties. I think his "I really am sorry, Mum", says how sorry he is for what he said. I think that your action has had the outcome that you wanted. You and I realise that it wasn't the "right" thing to do, but your DC need to see that everyone can be pushed to breaking point. I think you were correct, too, in your answering that tomorrow is another day and a new starting point. I think both parties have had a wake-up call.

LittleMissWobbleBelly Wed 17-Apr-13 14:46:17

You only did what I have been on the verge of doing on many occasions!

LittleEdie Wed 17-Apr-13 14:50:52

That's great!

Angelico Wed 17-Apr-13 15:00:07

Brilliant OP, great outcome smile Shock tactics can really work, especially when they are genuine. It's good when teenagers remember that parents are people too!

I can think of a few kids I've taught over the years who would really have benefitted from something similar to the flight of the XBox...

ladymariner Wed 17-Apr-13 15:12:38

What a great outcome, I have been on the verge of doing something similar myself......anyone else have a Fifa player in the house, if so you'll know where I'm coming from!! Well done Op and I'm glad it's all worked out well for you x

foslady Wed 17-Apr-13 16:04:23

Very impressed - so glad to hear that you've had such a good result

Blu Wed 17-Apr-13 16:19:48

So pleased this has turned out well - all credit to him for the willing and heartfelt apology.

Aww, sounds as though he's a good kid really smile

shockers Wed 17-Apr-13 18:32:42

I am so glad that your son has found out that there is a limit to what people will take from him... and that he has learnt from it!!

Grammaticus Wed 17-Apr-13 19:06:47

That's good to hear, op. I am really glad he has apologised. I assume you have acknowledged to him that hurling stuff out of windows isn't really the best answer. DH and I talked about your situation last night, we envisaged replacing the Xbox ourselves after a month or so, and at our expense. (Our eldest is fourteen, FYI.)

Talkinpeace Wed 17-Apr-13 19:13:31

What interests me most is that among all the high 5's, people like me with teenage boys have taken heart that even if they swear among their friends, there is NO NEED for it to be within parental earshot
and that the occasional shock can still make a difference

OP
do be aware that he WILL go on the x box at friends so you need to think of a reason for him to have friends round to yours regularly ...

GoblinGranny Wed 17-Apr-13 19:14:20

How did I miss this thread?
I'd have thrown the Xbox through the window, no one should speak to you like that, ever. Nor would I replace it.
Now he knows that his rudeness has serious consequences, at 15 he's old enough to cope.
My Great Aunt once had a huge bust up with her son, 17 and very rude to her, calling her stupid and worthless and nothing but a skivvy. He stormed out overnight to a mates and when he came back she's thrown everything in his room out of the window, including the bed and the wardrobe.
It was all in a huge soggy heap on the front lawn.
The neighbours talked about it for years, but their relationship was much improved!

survivingthechildren Wed 17-Apr-13 22:29:44

Thanks ladies. I think it'll take a little while for us to shake down and get in the groove again. Certainly DS won't change is attitude overnight. But at the very least, I think he heard where we were coming from.

I guess that's the main thing for now.

sparkle12mar08 Thu 18-Apr-13 07:38:04

Bollocks to that Grammaticus! At 14, I'd have waited you out every single time if it were just for a month. OP did exactly the right thing, there's is no way she should be replacing the xbox at the family's expense - are you nuts?!

usualsuspect Thu 18-Apr-13 07:43:11

I would replace it. Mind you I wouldn't have lobbed it out of the window in the first place.

SoupDragon Thu 18-Apr-13 07:48:11

If my DS had called me a bitch there is no way he would be getting another XBox until he left home and bought it himself.

GoblinGranny Thu 18-Apr-13 07:56:54

Just read your OP to DD, she thinks it was a perfectly reasonable response. She survived my parenting for 21 years. grin
He can replace it by doing chores for cash, using birthday and Christmas money. That way he'll appreciate how much things cost and how much he has for free. Well. you can hope.

Lemonylemon Thu 18-Apr-13 10:46:34

OP: It won't take that long. Don't worry. You all sound quite resilient.

DS and I have had issues similar to this and DS ends up coming to apologise and give me a hug. It's quite tough though, when you have to take a very firm stance.... But good for you and your DH.

GirlOutNumbered Thu 18-Apr-13 10:48:50

You should not replace the Xbox.

nickstmoritz Thu 18-Apr-13 10:51:35

One day you and your DS will laugh about this. OP you did the right thing and I am glad that DS has apologised. He crossed the line but he knows it and said sorry. I think your talk and the sanctions sound about right. Good luck to you. You sound great. High five and hug from me.

Jezabelle Thu 18-Apr-13 16:13:51

Well done. Sounds like you handled that discussion really well. I hope you feel like a good mummy now. It sounds to me like you are one! He has learned a valuable lesson. You stood firm but let him understand that you wouldn't hold it against him forever.

AllOverIt Fri 19-Apr-13 06:58:48

Sorry Gammaticus, I have to disagree. There is no way I'd be replacing that Xbox until he'd earned the money himself to pay for it.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 19-Apr-13 08:17:29

Great outcome.

Grammaticus you would be a mug if you did replace it, because he would know that all he had to do was suck up a bit and be a bit patient and then there would be no further consequences.

Op, you are amazing, my dd is only three but I was vile as a teenager, hoping I don't get what I deserve when dd hits that age. If so, hope I can handle it as well as you. Really sounds as if your ds has had a wake up call and genuinely reflected on his behaviour. What more could you want? Well done. X

CheerfulYank Fri 19-Apr-13 08:38:51

There are those rare times where hurling things out of the window is perfectly acceptable...this was one of them. smile

I had my own phone in my room when I was 13-14, which was a Very Big Deal in those days...it was shiny red and shaped like a pair of lips, so even more so. grin My mom ripped it out of the wall when I was being a vile little shit and it was months before I saw it again. I completely deserved it.

racingheart Fri 19-Apr-13 19:03:03

I agree that it would be a mistake to replace the x-box. That would suggest the OP was at fault, whereas she reacted to a very serious provocation, which if left unchecked could have horrendous consequences. Imagine a grown man who thinks he has the right to talk to and about his wife in that way? How can a teen know this is unacceptable unless shocked to his senses. Hooked to screens and video games, teens aren't subtle creatures. They need very pointed messages, and parental voices droning in the background barely register. What the OP did was connect to him on a level he could relate to.
The x-box caused the problem. It's gone. It doesn't come back. He needs to relearn how to communicate, how to socialise, how to respect his parents and their friends, others generally, and if he still wants an x-box instead of face to face social interaction, he can save up for one.

b4bunnies Fri 19-Apr-13 19:28:37

wow!

don't replace the x-box. let him get a job outside the home and earn money for his toys from now on. don't lose ground after you've done so well.

i haven't read carefully - have you had a chat with him, since the incident, about the standards you expect from him as a young adult and beyond? strike while the iron's hot.

HermioneHatesHoovering Sat 20-Apr-13 08:14:07

You may not have done the 'correct' thing, but I think you did the RIGHT thing and I say that as the mother of 3 adult children!

My eldest ds, now late 20's, was agressive as a teen when he had been playing computer games and the more he played them the worse it was.

Respect to you OP from another in NZ grin

niceguy2 Sat 20-Apr-13 08:35:44

I just read the first post. You did the right thing.

Respect!

prettybird Sun 21-Apr-13 14:54:51

Maybe not textbook, but entirely appropriate. I think you've handled it very well - especially the follow-through and not I don't mean the throwing action wink

Ds is 12 and showing flashes of this sort of behaviour - yet most of the time he is a lovely charming child especially to other people hmm I can see when he is in the throws of the teenage years him provoking this sort of reaction. I hope your example means that we manage to avoid it - but not to beat myself up if it happens! grin

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