At my wits end with 16 yr old dd

(30 Posts)
kansasmum Wed 27-Mar-13 06:53:12

Says it all reallysad she has been difficult the last couple of years but nothing this bad. Last night she was told to stop messing about at dinner and to stop winding up her 6 yr old brother.
About half an hour later she says she doesn't want to be with us anymore and storms out. I manage to get her back in the house and try and talk to her but she s really rude and abusive saying she hates me and her dad ( mostly me though) and she isn't going to live here anymore and is leaving etc. I tell her she is not leaving. Goes to storm out again and finds doors locked so climbs out window.
She has sneaked out windows before at night and gone god knows where and I've found out much later.
Her sister(19) went after her but she hit her sister.
Came home a bit later and started shouting and carrying on being abusive. Dh snapped and really shouted at her so she starts hitting him and swearing. He walks off and after trying to speak to her calmly she says she s going to her room. We say ok as we are exhausted and she promptly hotfoots it out the door. She's been out all night. I texted her to say I needed to know where she is. She did text back but I've never heard of the friend she is apparently staying at but she's been lying about where she's been over last weeks so could be anywhere. Has various teenage friends( boys) with cars who seem happy to provide taxi service - she has very little money so god knows how she is paying them ( dread to think).
At a loss and she has said she is going to 6th form then back to friends then her pt job in the pub then back to friends.
Sorry this is long but don't know what to do and dh had to go to London at 5am. I Have hardly slept and been crying half the nightsad

happystory Wed 27-Mar-13 08:44:31

Sorry to hear you are going through this, it must be so distressing for the entire family and made worse by the fact that you are all so exhausted. Have you heard from her yet?

NewFerry Wed 27-Mar-13 08:50:28

Sorry to hear you are go having such an awful time.
Is there a welfare support type person at school that you could talk with? I think the admin staff would still be at school and they may be able to put you in touch with the relevant person. I think having a third party involved who is supportive but independent could help persuade your dd to see how her behaviour is affecting everyone in the family.

In the meantime, can you go round to her friends and check she's ok?

HeySoulSister Wed 27-Mar-13 09:18:01

This was my dd this time last year!

Op, it gets better! Honest, you are nearly there at 16.... Exams looming?

kansasmum Wed 27-Mar-13 09:34:49

She has recently started hanging out with different group of people who we don't know. i have no idea where this friend lives that she stayed with last night. She lies so much she could quite frankly have been anywhere. I probably sound like a terrible mother who doesn't even know who her dd's friends are- since starting 6th form her whole group of friends seems to have changed and obviously not for the better.

We have been in frequent contact with the school over the past few months regarding her attendance - well, non attendance really, and her lack of effort in class. The school have been very supportive to be fair and have offered all sorts of help for her:- mentors, skills classes etc etc but she either refuses or goes along for a week and then stops. I could drive her to school everyday but there is no guarantee she will stay- she is doing the bare minimum of hours anyway.
I have tried talking to her, grounding her, removing phone and computer privileges etc- you name it we've tried it. She has NO respect for me and very very little for her dad. Her behaviour affects the whole family and my poor 6 year old heard her kicking off and swearing and hitting her sister last night.
I love her to death but right now I am seriously concerned as to where we go form here.
Found her report this morning- it was frankly awful with LOADS of unauthorised absences. Have been in contact with the school and they will let me know if she turns up today.
I haven't treated her any differently to her sister, tried to instil the same values etc and her sister is hardworking and kind and caring - she's had her moments but always says sorry and listens and tries to make good choices. Yd never says sorry, its always someone else's fault and if we aren't saying what she wants to hear she shouts and storms out. How do i stop her leaving the house?

kansasmum Wed 27-Mar-13 09:38:58

Heysoulsister:
she didn't do great in her GCSE's- she did very little work despite a lot of encouragement from me and dh. We even got her a maths tutor but she made no effort and failedsad

She's gradually dropped subjects in 6th form and I have discovered this morning that hasn't done the work to allow her entry to the double award exam that she chose to do- she promised she would try harder and make an effort after we had meeting with head of 6th form etc. She really doesn't give a shit.

I feel such a failure and wish I could "man up" and not cry and just say" your choices- deal with the consequences" but she's 16 (17 in june) and really worry where she will end up if she continues down this path.

NewFerry Wed 27-Mar-13 13:49:03

Hi Kansasmum - I hope you have heard from your dd or her school and that she's ok.

A friend of mine had a simialr situation with her dd in Y12, she became increasingly angry and made life hell for her family. She also failed her year at school. BUT it made her realise what she wanted to do.
She started a completely different course (vocational) at a local college, completed the course, and is now part way through a university degree course.

It was horrible for her family at the time. One thing which did help, was that the dd would go and stay with her grandparents. It gave them all a break from each other, but dd was obviously in a safe place.
The move to college meant that she gradually saw less of the "bad" crowd she had fallen in with.

It was a gradual process, and not an overnight fix, but there is hope, however grim it looks at the moment.

HeySoulSister Wed 27-Mar-13 14:09:24

Oh same age as my dd. and mine messed her exams too!

I think it's mainly peer pressure at this age. My elder daughter is also like yours. Perfection. We are getting there tho, it's really difficult to keep track at 16. You have my sympathy and you aren't alone

kansasmum Wed 27-Mar-13 14:49:23

No word from her and she wasn't in college at 9am although she doesn't always have classes first thing. She has work tonight waitressing in our village pub but said she wouldn't come home after that. Since I've not heard from her I assume she won't bother coming home. Have cried thrown up and worried all day. I seriously worry she is going to be in a car accident and I won't know where she is- these 'friends' that pick her up are young lads with cars. She's really gone off the rails this time. What Do I do if she doesn't come home??

HeySoulSister Wed 27-Mar-13 14:51:52

Do you know where any live? Can you get clues off Facebook?

Hate the going on cars thing too, doubly worrying.

kansasmum Wed 27-Mar-13 14:56:52

I don't know where this girl she is supposed to have stayed with lives. I have never heard of her before last night.
What I don't get is why dd was SO determined to go out last night and defy us? Being told off at dinner for messing about and winding up her brother is hardly reason for this behaviour. Her reason was she hated me and didn't want to be with us?

NewFerry Wed 27-Mar-13 15:25:29

Are they at school with your dd? If so, the school may be able to help.

Or does she know them from the local pub? Again, the landlord may know who they are.

Otherwise. the police?

Not mumsnetty, but huge hugs to you. I have a 2 teen boys and no matter how big they get, and how horrible they are, we still worry about them.

kansasmum Wed 27-Mar-13 16:07:17

Have found out through ED where Yd is. Feel relieved cos actually know where this friend lives. Have no clue still whether she will come home

watchingout Wed 27-Mar-13 17:29:54

Jumping in to say you're not alone confused and I hope you're keeping calm. Any chance of contacting the friends parents for some solidarity ? Your DD will be wanting to know that you care, however much she makes out otherwise. I get lots of toddler type behaviour from my teenagers, wanting to check I still care, even if they are "too big" for hugs.
Can you reassure her that you are not infringing on her privacy/independence for the sake of it? just because its your job as a mum to care.
Keep deep breathing and counting to ten. Thousand. grin

kansasmum Wed 27-Mar-13 17:34:22

She's still mouthing off and being abusive in reply to my texts. I
Really don't know how to get through to her. She's refusing to come home again.

watchingout Wed 27-Mar-13 17:46:38

Find the positive side - if she's texting you, at least she's not wrapped around a tree in some youf's car...

Any mileage in calling in to the pub tonight when her shift is due to finish? If you keep calm and pleasant and in the public eye, she'll find it hard to kick off in front of her co-workers and the rest

wifeandmotherandlotsofother Wed 27-Mar-13 18:19:57

Just wanted to say I could be writing this. I have a 16 and a half year old who thinks she is perfectly capable of running her own life and doesn't need any input from me, also had the school thing and the refusing to answer texts/calls. I have also had the not coming home and not knowing where she is, she has always comes home when she decides to. Have some mum solidarity from me, you're not on your own (and sometimes what keeps me going is my other 2 older children seem to be doing okay, so I can't be that bad)

kansasmum Wed 27-Mar-13 18:36:52

Wifeandmother- thanks. You have my sympathy too. She's refused to come home tonight and even if we drove to get her she would create an almighty scene and she hit dh last night when he tried to stop her going out.

Maybe I have to let her get on with it?

kansasmum Wed 27-Mar-13 18:40:09

Wifeandmother- can I ask how you get through the times when she stays out? And does she ever show remorse or apologise?
Yd never apologises or shows remorse recently. sad

I could have written your post word for word and worse when DD was 14.
She's now almost 18 and today was accepted into her 1st choice Uni and subject.
There is nothing you can do except hang in there, take good care of yourself and wait till her brain catches up with her body.
You have my utmost sympathy, never in my life was I so powerless and despairing during that time. I got great support on here, you are not alone.

kansasmum Wed 27-Mar-13 18:52:27

I'm fairly new to mumsnet, lurked for a while. The support here means a lot. Most of my friends have kids same age as my ds(6) so it's hard to talk about teenage stuff with them

Without my ED today I would have lost he plot! She has been wise beyond her years and texted me from work throughout the day to make sure I'm ok. Sadly I think she understands Yd better than me which is bittersweet - great that she can understand her but not so great for me as I feel a failure.

Katie- what was the turning point for your YD.

Have also discovered Yd is sexually activesad

The turning point?
We were all set to send her to boarding school simply to remove her from her friendship group. Very scary stuff, drugs, under age sex, drink, expulsion from one school, a weekend in care, stealing ......
We had a family meeting, grandparents, aunts, etc. where we sat her down and calmly discussed finances, etc.
It could have been a coincidence but from that day on, the old DD I always knew was in there, somewhere, began to come back to us.
I thank my lucky stars every single day that the worst thing to come out of that time was a minor criminal record.
There is nothing you can do. You did not cause this. I can't stress enough how important it is that you do whatever you can to look after YOU.
Because when your little girl cops on to herself, and she will, she's going to need you like she's never needed you before.

HeySoulSister Wed 27-Mar-13 19:04:47

katie I remember your posts. So glad your dd is doing so well now. I remember you and I were going through hell at the same time..... And Maryz 'being there' picking is both up!

Hi!
DH and I have just had a little sob over our amazing girl. If you had told me 3 years ago ( is it that long ??) I'd be posting this, I'd have started believing in woo wink
So proud grin

And YY to Maryz, voice of reason and sanity grin how's things with you these days?

wifeandmotherandlotsofother Wed 27-Mar-13 19:28:55

OP - I have had to accept that if she refuses to come home there is little I can do, she now will text me if she's not coming home so at least I am not left wondering. I have reiterated my non negotiable rules (with varying success) and I have stopped trying to fight every battle I would like to. I am hoping that a change of school in September for A levels will also help as she hates being compared to her sister and brother and also me as I once taught there. I hope that once she feels she has more autonomy over her life she will be happier.

wifeandmotherandlotsofother Wed 27-Mar-13 19:33:05

OP - should also have said nothing is ever ever her fault, there is always a reason for her behaviour. Usually my fault, you'd think I'd learn smile

It's in the job description grin

toffeelolly Wed 27-Mar-13 19:48:04

So sorry to hear your story, you are doing your best. Your dd does not know how lucky she is to have parent's like you who care what and were their children are and what they are up to. Think it does get more worrying the older they get. My dd is only 7 but i will most likely have all this to come. Hope she is home soon and good luck.

notquiteruralbliss Thu 04-Apr-13 09:12:27

Sounds like a fairly normal 16yo. My eldest (now @ uni on a very academic course & dong well) spent most of her 6th form years doing no work, staying out for days @ a time & doing the whole sex / drugs / rock & roll thing. My current 16yo (super bright) left school @ 15 & chose not to sit GCSEs. She has an active social life (with a very wide circle of friends), is doing work experience in a field she loves & seems happy. We don't really do rules / boundaries in our house so she comes & goes as she pleases. She does however keep her phone switched on / answer calls / let us know if she's going to be out overnight. I'm assuming that she will go back to study if / when she's ready / interested.

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