think I have just over reacted(37 Posts)
and dont know how to turn it around or even if I should.
Have discovered tonight DD 15 has had a friend this weekend pierce her ear when we told her no. We have been slowly coming round to allowing her to do these things, we let her have her belly button done a few weeks ago as this can be hidden but said no to visible ones just yet.
I have discovered she has been drinking to excess and smoking while drinking! (she saw my aunt die of lung cancer!)
I have insisted she take the piercing out, have grounded her, taken her monthly money off her and said I will put money direct onto card for school lunches now, said she cant go Wakestock with her friends in the summer (music festival) we were considering it.
I have told her its more the lying and deceit, I feel completely disrespected by her. But now Im wondering if I have overloaded the punishments or am I being too soft?
I think that the punishments are overkill, tbh. She's 15 and experimenting. You need to find a compromise and talk to her about why you are worried re the drinking and smoking.
The piercing wouldn't bother me - I would have taken her to get it done by a professional though.
I think it was a little over the top but I do sympathise.
The danger is that you now have no other 'sanctions' that can be levied and also the fact that she may close down all lines of communication.
She is 15 - 3 years away from being an adult. Are you being too strict?
All of the things that you have described are examples of pretty normal teen behaviour which the majority of us have done ourselves.
I think the important thing is that she is safe, that she understands and can deal with the potential consequences of her actions but most importantly of all, that you keep the lines of communication open.
I know now I have sat back I realise I have punished too much, the money is to stop the alcohol drinking, grounded so non of the above can happen, wakestock because I said I didnt know if I could trust her now. At the time they all seemed feesable but now....
I have told her its the trust issue and she should never ever lie or deceive me.
is there a way this can be turned around do you think?
You've gone nuclear over fairly normal rebelliousness. I'd try to backtrack if I were you, and cover it with "I think I may have over-reacted, but I just felt so disappointed. Can you see why it makes it hard to trust somebody if they lie?" and then try to listen to her.
Well, it seems rather odd to allow belly button piercing but not ear piercing imho.
You are right that you've gone over the top. I think perhaps taking her allowance off her for a few weeks is understandable, but not all the other stuff.
But if you impose boundaries that are too strict or controlling then you give her no other alternative but to lie or deceive you.
She is growing up, you have to grow with her
what do you feel is a reasonable punishment? Do I allow the piercing or let it close now?
Yes to sitting down and saying that you may have over-reacted through disappointment. Pinpoint what you're most disappointed with and then discuss which of the punishments you will follow through with and why and which you are prepared to allow to drop if you see x, y or z in her behaviour over the next few days to allow her to prove she's sorry.
I have to say too that I think it's unreasonable to expect teenagers to never lie or conceal things from you. It's one of the few ways they have available to themselves to carve out a bit of space and privacy for themselves to grow and try to find themselves and their own values a bit. I honestly think it's a normal part of growing up.
I allowed the belly button as that can be covered up, her ear is half way up her ear and could never be covered.
I am actually quite relaxed with her, but tonight I just felt so let down by her
That post was brought to you today by the word 'themselves'. I'm sorry, I'm so tired
The piercing is done now, I would let it stand but tell her next time she needs to get it done professionally.
Then dab it with TCP
until it starts to sting
Agree you were a bit OTT but easily done! I agree with BOF, you admit that you went too far. Then give her the chance to earn back some of her privileges with good behaviour.
E.g. she can still go to the festival if no repeats of the excess drinking.
The grounding/ allowance etc can be reviewed after e.g. 1 week, 2 weeks (whatever you think fit) and is dependent on X,Y or Z (telling you where she's going, sticking to curfew or whatever you agree).
The more you show you can admit your mistakes and have a reasonable discussion/ negotiation - the more she's likely to admit her msitakes and discuss boiundaries instead of rebel against them.
Can you set her ways of showing she's taken on board what you have said and improved her behaviour and earn back some of these things?
She needed to be punished yes but I would of just drawn it at no pocket money for 2 weeks and maybe grounded for one. I got my nose pierced when I was 15 and my Dad went ape, he made me take it out, docked two weeks pocket money and grounded me for two weeks. It was enough and I didn't dare pierce anything without his permission again, still remember it very clearly!
She's 15, it's her ear. That's not a punishable thing imo.
Drinking etc, yes I would be very concerned about that.
Do think you've punished too much though, btw I am not judging you I often do it and really have to rein myself in. I often repeat "one episode of bad behaviour - one sanction" to myself. it's very easy to throw everything into the punishment pot in the heat of the moment though.
I'd say nothing more about the ear tbh at that age I think it really is their business, it's the right of the teenager to look a total state if they wish.
I don't think you have over reacted, the sanctions which are over longer term can be reviewed as she builds up your trust again. Really hope she responds well, op.
I honestly think that we should approach the teen years with our DC's as a journey to be undertaken together.
Explain to your daughter that this is as new to you as it is to her and that you will sometimes be a little out of your comfort zone.
It might help if she can see it from your POV but she also needs to understand that you are trying to see it from hers.
I think you have over reacted especially as you have let her have a belly button piecing. I'm a coward and don't like piecings myself but we said our DDs could have thier ears pieced at the age from the age of 12 if they wanted to. In fact none of them chose to do it until they were about 14. I actually wouldn't allow nelly piecing undre the age of 18 but as none of the DDs ever wanted that done it wasn't an issue
I think you've over-reacted too. There is an easy way out, which is simply to say "I have been thinking and I reckon I over-reacted. So I'm lifting X and Y sanctions, tho Z still stands".
IME it's really useful and positive to re-think and have a complete change of mind with DCs occasionally, because it shows them how to reflect on their actions and change their minds too - which is something they're not generally very good at doing.
I cant believe you let her get her body pierced but not her ears!
I'd be cross about anything other than a standard ear piercing (strictly against school rules) and go ape if I caught either of my DDs smoking.
My DDad chain smoked and they know he has heart trouble as a result.
I'd be totally hypocritical to get very cross about drinking, unless they were getting drunk and putting themselves in danger.
I think you will have to back track on the festival as a punishment lasting, in effect until the summer, is not going to make for good relationships.
Anything other than sending her to her room leads to my 12y being impossible.
I haven't yet had to have a grade A go at my 15y, she isn't one for boundary pushing.
Agree with Mushroom
Her naval is ok but not her ear?
I know you're saying it's because the naval can be covered up but don't you think she probably shows it off at every opportunity?
Sympathies. I have 2 teenage dds. I agree with a bit of back tracking and in a quiet unstressed moment have a heart to heart. Apologise for freaking out with her but explain that you were shocked and felt disappointed. Talk to her about the things you are worried about and why. For me it would be not having any more unhygienic piercings and that she MUST be careful that she does not get into vulnerable situations when experimenting with alcohol. You would prefer her not to drink but if she does then be careful where and who with and how much. Hopefully your DD will not get into smoking but just wanted to try it. Expensive, smelly, addictive, you know the spiel.
I would suggest that she can go to the festival if she can build up your trust and be a bit more honest with you and make it clear that you really do not want her drinking alcohol yet. I would take her to get her ears pierced safely and choose some nice earrings together. You have then showed her you can compromise but do feel strongly about her safety and well being. If she is in GCSE year say that if she can put her head down and work hard for the next couple of terms you can agree a reward...you pay for festival/a gig/some spending money etc
ps don't feel too hard on yourself. I have filled up the punishment pot myself before with various groundings, removal of devices, no computer time etc When you feel really annoyed it is hard to be rational about it.
Could you get her to look at the piercing from another perspective - if she's going to be looking for a Saturday job in 12 months or less, what impact does she think a piercing at the top of her ear will have on prospective employers? ditto a belly ring and smoking? If she wants to work in customer service, she can't reek like fagash Lil.
I can understand your fury on the smoking thing though. I have never smoked because so many of my family have died of smoking related illnesses in their 40s. My DS is too young to smoke yet, but I suspect that by then, the threat of being sent to tell grandad he's smoking, when grandad lost his dad at 47, his brother at 47 with two children, one aged 5, and spent a year being the non-smoker who may or may not keel over at 47, would be enough to put him off.
Is there anyone else closer to her aunt who could help discourage her from smoking?
I'm confused is the ear piercing just the lobe or higher than that?
If it's the lobe then you are really overreacting.
As for the punishments I think your overreacting.
Who's paying for the festival you or your daughter, i.e been saving up for it or has she got a saturday job?
FireOver Babylon I was going to suggest talking about part time jobs too but I do also feel that teenage years are about rebelling a bit and looking daft so a bit torn on that one.
Is she's already drinking it's hardly likely she will go to Wakestock and not drink.
nickstmoritz I agree, it's the time to try green hair etc but its also the age when you tend not to think of the repercussions of your actions - that shoplifting as a dare with your mate can have an impact in jobs / university if you get caught, that you can't turn up for a job hungover etc.
I think to allow a BB piearcing and not an ear piercing is odd.
It seems pretty normal to have a kid drink and smoke at that age, although it's frustrating when they do
I'd backtrack, although I understand you feel disapointed, and explain why you reacted why you did
Give her opportunities to show she has listened and demonstrate she has improved her behaviour and earn back her privilages
I also agree with BettySuarez:
Dab it with TCP
until it starts to sting
Still18atheart, the OP has said about the piercing:
"I allowed the belly button as that can be covered up, her ear [sic] is half way up her ear and could never be covered."
so I'm presuming it's a G or A in this picture.
I'm a bit shocked that so many of you think the OP has over-reacted. Her response seemed perfectly reasonable to me. But then my eldest is only 8, so what do I know.
neolara sorry but 8 is very different from 15 and what most people here are trying to say is that with a teenager you have to pick your battles and negotiate some very choppy waters.
FireOver I still don't get how she'd allow a body piercing but not ears...as though people look at a 15 year old with earrings and JUDGE them or something as a "wild one" or a "Fast girl" it's a pair of earrings ffs not a facial tattoo!
Fire that typo should be "Her hair is halfway up her ear"
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