13 YO refusing to go to school...don't know what to try next! :((43 Posts)
First time posting here, I feel so helpless and useless that I just can't see a way forward at the moment. I have 1 13 year old boy who has been showing signs of unhappiness for quite some time. There's been difficulties for a long time within the family relationships. He is refusing to go to school at the moment. The school have been very supportive and offered him counselling and anger managemnt type courses along with confidence building activities within school. They have recognised and suggested that he has an attatchment disorder and are arranging an assessment with an educational phycologist. he seems to change his reasons why he doesn't want to go but won't talk to me about it, other than to shout at me and say he hates me. The latest thing is that he hates the school itself and teachers so they are looking at letting him move schools which he seemed pleased about. He realises that he needs to be showing willing to go and participate in lessons for that to happen and seemed ok about it. I had a meeting arranged at school today to get this sorted out for him and now he is refusing to go in again! I have spoken to school today and they feel like he is panicking because he is scared about moving and actually doesn't want to but now doesn't know what to do. I am in a complete muddle myself about this and just feel so exhausted I can't even think straight. Sorry if I'm rambling but it's so complicated! Can any one give me any idea as to why he is behaving like this? I'm at my wits end!
Write stuff down if you can't communicate with him about this. Make sure he knows he has to go legally and you will be arrested if he doesn't so he needs to make a choice.
Stay put or move to another school. My DD moved schools as she was unhappy, this was at the start of year 8 and she is much happier now and had a rotten year 7. I did stress to her that this was it and there wasnt a third school to go to. If he needs to move then move him
Secondhandrose said: "Make sure he knows he has to go legally and you will be arrested if he doesn't so he needs to make a choice.". This isn't quite true.
Firstly legally he doesn't have to do anything. The only legal obligations are on your (mumofayoung's) part. Maybe this doesn't matter very much but I think it's important to recognise this and only make statements that are actually true.
And second: deregistration is available on demand. So if you do get arrested (or, more realistically, summonsed to court), it will be as much because of your choice not to deregister as his (possibly correct, possibly not) choice not to go to school.
What is so good about school anyway? Maybe he should go to school, but you haven't made any argument why.
"They have recognised and suggested that he has an attatchment disorder and are arranging an assessment with an educational phycologist." - he doesn't want to go to school therefore there must be something wrong with him? I recommend you read this article "Who wouldn't be school phobic". It applies equally as much to any medical label for children who don't want to go to school.
Also, "he seems to change his reasons why he doesn't want to go". If you put yourself in a position of judging someone's reasons as acceptable or unacceptable, they are likely to change their stated reasons in an effort to find one you find acceptable.
Finally, it doesn't follow that a person has to go to lessons at one school in order to start to go to a completely different school. Why would they?
Oh that hasn't made me feel any better at all, I was hoping someone else may have been through something similar and could help me see some light through this mess. Thanks for taking the time to reply but think I actually feel worse now
I had this with dd. Age 13-16 was a nightmare!
She had a 'managed move' to another school. Didnt work at all. Why Woyld it work for your son? Is he having friendship issues?
I found the EWO helpful actually. Dint be scared of the system, but hearing an EWO say he had the ability to send me (mum) to court and get me a record and fine, actually helped, I think!
mumofayoung, there is a thread on here about school refusal. I can't remember who or where it is, but I will have a hunt in about an hour.
It was full of useful information.
In the meantime, have you talked to your gp? Have you explored the possibility of depression? Has he ever been assessed by an educational psychologist and do you have contact with CAHMS?
ds1 hated school - it turned out he has Asperger's and once he got a diagnosis I was able to work out what it was that he hated, and sort some things out.
There are two things you should remember though. Firstly, this isn't your fault. You are doing your best. And secondly, in the greater scheme of things, even though it seems important now, a child's education is not the most important thing in his life - his happiness in the future is more important. So while you obviously want to get him back to school, finding out what is bothering him and working with him to rebuild your relationship (I suspect you are fighting a lot atm, are you?) is the place to start.
Sorry, I have to go now, but I'll be back in a bit.
I first went to the gp last september as this is when it really started, he was saying he didn't want to get up as he had nothing to live for and he'd rather be dead, he hated me. He'd rather be in care than be with me, that type of thing all, completely out of the blue. They were very unhelpful and said it was just teenage behaviour. The school on the other hand have been very supportive, and are arranging an assesment with an educational phsycologist and trying to refer him to CAHMS on Monday. It's not got to the stage of EWO yet and I've been assured that court proceedings won't happen in our case as he clearly has separation anxiety/attachment disorder which would only be made worse with that situation. Feel a bit more positive after reading your reply, thankyou x
Just wanted to give some words of support as I have a ds15 who is finding it hard to get motivated to go to school at the moment (and it is GCSE year eeeek!) My ds seems to be depressed and he will be starting with a counseller soon and I have taken him to the GP. I get mixed levels of support and sympathy from school, gP etc, so it is hard. But my best support comes from my sis who has a 12yr dd who has ME and a school phobia and who hasn't been properly to school for the last two years. I say this not to frighten you but to illustrate the wonderful frame of mind my sis has now achieved in that, as maryz says above, your ds's wellbeing is the most important thing here, not his school attendance record. Your ds needs to feel that you are fully supportive of him and that you are "on his side". I am sure you are doing this anyway but stick with it, even if he only tells you he hates you, I am sure he doesn't but nor does he seem able at the moment to describe what it is he does feel. Give him the security and hopefully it will give him the safe space in which to explore and express what he is going through. I wish you the best of luck and hope things improve soon .
I can't find the thread I was talking about - it might have been in chat and been deleted. But there is help out there, I will keep looking.
Sometimes there is a reason for children not to want to go to school. But if it is a simple reason, he would be jumping at the idea of changing school. The fact that he is unwilling to cooperate with a move makes me think that it's school in general rather than this particular school he is avoiding.
Don't worry about court proceedings - and certainly don't use that threat to him. If he is anything like ds his answer will be "great, they can put you in jail and I can stay home without you nagging me", which won't help.
Is it possible to take the pressure off, to give him say a full week at home and use that time to try to build up some trust and see if he opens up a bit? Of course that might not help in the long run as he may enjoy being at home too much - but then forcing him to go won't work either.
He could be depressed you know - has the GP suggested that? I know they don't like medicating kids, but anti-depressants/anti-anxiolytics might help in the short term.
And who do you have to support you? You need to look after yourself because this type of thing is so draining.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Hi mumofayoung. You've got some very good advice on here already but I just wanted to add my encouragement. I like a lot of what Zinkies says at the top of the thread - if you put yourself entirely in the position of your DS, then some of what he does is logical (to him) if not to us as adults - like changing your argument to try and find one that works. If you read his actions like that, it may be easier to deal with the more unreasonable ones!
I agree also that CAMHS is where you need to be - they may take some time to chug through the system but should be the best people to deal with all your son's underlying issues. If you make it clear that he has been talking about not wishing to live he should be assessed swiftly which is reassuring for you. You are also very lucky that the school are being so active in helping him and I have to say that would make me think more than twice about moving schools! Maryz's comment that he would be more keen to move if it were a specific issue with the school seems to ring true to me. For some kids (mine too) school is just a very hard environment to cope with for all sorts of reasons and honestly, if you spend some time there, or listen to kids describe their day, I have a lot amount of admiration for them. These huge secondary schools where everyone has an image to maintain are a real jungle. If you search online for 'school refusal' and 'school phobia' there are some useful websites and books out there.
Finally, yes, I do know what you're going through. We've been there too, have been since year 8 and my DS is now year 11. It is very very hard and it feels like everyone else's kids are happy and successful! School will never be a place where my DS feels comfortable but you can find ways to make it better. You need to have a real detailed discussion with school to find specific day to day strategies to improve things. Most of all, as gardening mama says, make sure your DS really understands that you are on his side and listening to him. It will get better but it can be a long haul, so look after yourself in the meantime.
Thankyou everyone, it really does help to read all of these replies! Its very confusing...he is saying clearly that he WANTS to move schools but won't do whats necessary to put in place a managed move. I have completely backed off and just trying to keep things as normal as possible in every other way and keeping the lines of communication open, we've been out this morning to a coffee shop and there is absolutley no annimosity between us at all. I'm not expecting him to go to school next week and think because I've accepted that it has taken the pressure off. School has once again been brilliant and are suggesting he can pick lesssons off the timetable to attend even if its only one subject, if that fails they will look at other options. If he wants to sit in the library on the internet he can, if he wants to do some cooking lessons at school he can. Not sure if he will even go for that yet but worth a try. I have very little support, no friends or family I can talk to and I'm avoiding the ones I do have as they are very judgmental (parents) and I know I'll feel worse if I tell them whats going on as they just won't understand. Partners having his own difficulties (tried to kill himself last June) and part of me wonders if this has all started because of that, he's not coping, I've asked him to move out as it's actually harder having him here as all we are doing is blaming each other and criticising each others actions. Son doesn't get on with him generally anyway, they have never been close. School has referred him to CAHMS so just waiting for it to all kick into action. I know it won't always be like this and think its more important longterm that we have a good relationship than him being in school right now. Thanks again for all the support xxx
Maryz, were you thinking of one of these threads?
I reckon you might find reassurance and some useful advice here, mumo.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
So it's Sunday night again. My frustration has eased ~ Thanks to the posts I've read, confusion is still here, now feel an overwhelming sadness for what I realise he is going through. And worry for what the future holds. Thankyou the links are helpful and yes I'm going to the gp in the morning. Tomorrow is a new day...a new week, I do wonder what it will bring. xXx
I have hated Sunday night for years... Fingers crossed for the morning, for all of us with kids who don't like Mondays.
Hi mumofayoung, I just wanted to keep this thread active for the useful info and support. I am in a similar position, my 13 yr old dd has severe school related anxiety and vomits at the thought of going to school. She hasn't attended for 3 months. CAMHS wouldn't take the referral as school phobia does not meet their criteria so we are currently awaiting an assessment from another agency called CHUMS but support may not be available immediately.
I am a lone parent with two younger children, one with SEN and the other with a chronic medical condition, and a demanding job. I have taken a temporary cut in hours to be at home more but the whole situation is incredibly stressful. My beautiful, academically able, talented at performing arts child is a shadow of her former self and it is breaking my heart .
This is not something that it is easy to talk about in real-life. People assume you can "make her go to school". Thank you for starting this thread and maybe we can support each other.
Yes, I'm there at the moment. DD is in the final year of A levels, has always found it hard, despite being very able up to about year 9. I keep telling myself at least she doesn't do drugs (as far as I'm aware), and isn't into crime, but the whole business every morning of getting her up, trying to encourage her to go, then finding her sat on her bed, still not dressed and refusing to go in because she feels "crap" is wearing the whole family out. She has been on the waiting list for youth counselling for at least six months, and I feel it's too late for that anyway. I really don't care if, even at this late stage, she wants to give up college, it's the thought that she has lost the will to do anything except stare at her computer that leaves me feeling helpless. College have been no help at all. They just give her tips on how to get her work done in manageable chunks. Her tutor made an appointment with her to discuss her attendance and he didn't even bother to turn up - or apologise. I'm running out of ideas now.
KateF, I am full of admiration for you holding your family together. I find it difficult with a partner and one dc who is no trouble at all, never mind on my own with two children each with their own issues. Wasn't there a book called, "Who wouldn't be school phobic?" recognising that school is not an ideal learning environment for most children, just some of them are better able to "get on with it" than others. We will come out the other side, we know that, it's just a very tough journey for the whole family. Sending you hugs from someone who understands.
It's so kind of you to respond to my slightly hysterical post-I was feeling very low. Have been out at Great Ormond Street with dd3 all day so dd1 has been at home on her own. School are really not that interested now she has been 'handed over' to CHUMS so I have bought work books for her to do and try to make time to talk to her about what she's reading, watching etc so she's still getting some education. I am trying to force myself to take each day as it comes because the thought of her being like this for ever is too terrifying.
I must try to find the book you mention.
Sorry, should have said that of course I hope you can find some support for your dd. Poor kid, life is so stressful for them at that age, especially now with loans for university and jobs not easily come by.
I'm terrified of losing my job, I'd struggle to get another at my age and with three children to work around.
Hi everyone, sorry you are all struggling - Kate I really recognise how difficult it is to talk about irl and the fact that everyone just says "Why don't you [insert ridiculously simplistic and impossible solution]"
We all need to cling on to the fact that school (especially secondary) is only a very small part of our lives - six years out of a lifespan or 80 or more - so although it seems disastrous now, really in the greater scheme of things putting efforts into improving our children's lives regardless of school is much more important than getting them into school.
Also there are many alternative routes to education and jobs these days. Many of those are, unfortunately, not open to teenagers, but any child who want to re-enter education can do so as a young adult.
And it won't be like this forever. They will grow up, and mature, and we will survive it (even though it seems at the time as though it is endless). The way to cope is to live in the now, deal with what is happening now, stop regretting and feeling guilty about the past or dreading and anticipating disaster in the future. Manage each day, and whatever you do look after yourself. When your child is an adult, this will just be a little blip on their life - but if you fall apart that will have a longer affect.
So be nice to yourselves, tell yourselves every day that you are doing your best in difficult circumstances. Only talk to people irl who will be supportive, and ignore the rest.
Oh, and chocolate
Just caught up with this thread again and I find all the comments in support of mumo so encouraging. I am going to have a look at those links flow4 posted. My ds15 is at home today, I can't get him motivated or incentivised to go in. It is so frustrating. Conventional me just despairs that he is missing GCSE work and revision (and he's not really knuckling down to anything at home either) and I feel quite panicky and out of control. But then another part of me is much more in tune with Maryz's post above, thinking this is a blink in time and ds's happiness and well-being is far more important than his attendance at school. But where does any of that leave me (or the rest of us in similar situations) in the here and now? Do I spend my day feeling relaxed and happily accepting todays situation, or do I spend it feeling that I have missed something and that I've actually got it terribly wrong?
I really feel for those others of you who have posted here, you are all so incredibly strong and capable in incredibly challenging situations. My situation is quite simple in comparison. Although complicated by dh who doesn't fully "get it" and isn't there to support me in a simple comforting "arm around my shoulder way" as I try to deal with the brunt of this. Hope the week turns out good for us.
I hope you don't mind me barging in on your thread op, but I am having an awful time with my dd at the moment and am relieved to find I'm not alone.
My dd is almost 14 and is refusing school at the moment. We had a chat last night and she is extremely lonely. She is a nice girl - genuinely. Not just because she's my dd. She just can't make friends. She won't be pressurised into smoking or drinking and isn't into mainstream music etc. This doesn't help i think.
A few of the girls at school have taken a dislike to her and they start on anyone who is friends with or even just seen talking to dd. dd can't understand why as she hasn't done anything to or said anything about anyone.
She suffers with anxiety and panic attacks and the problems at school are making things worse. She has also self harmed.
I don't know what to do. She has had a course of CBT with Cahms and has been discharged. I am back at the Gp this week to ask for another referral and have her booked in for hypnotherapy privately too.
I'm worried that I may end up being summoned to court and get a fine for non attendance, but I'm far more worried that my lovely little girl will never be happy
Maryz-thanks for that lovely and helpful post. I've read a lot of your troubled teens thread late at night when I can't sleep for worry. You are right of course and the people who do the "why don't you just..." thing usually have much younger children. It was, looking back, so easy when Mummy could make nit all better with a cuddle and a Smartie.
Oh and chocolate works for both of us!
Make nit all better? I wish nits responded to hugs and Smarties-sadly not!
Just bitten the bullet and booked a private therapist for dd to try this week. I work with vulnerable families at primary school level and it occurs to me that there are far more accessible services out there for younger kids than for teenagers. I think most parents with a teenager in distress resign themselves to coping alone or fighting every inch of the way to get professional involvement.
Queenofcats, is your dd's school helping at all? It can be very tough if your dc is not like the other kids in their class, doesn't like the same things or have the same interests. The greatest pressure at secondary is to conform, and if you feel you don't fit in, it can be very hard to stay true to yourself. I've recommended a book on another post, called "Stick up for yourself" which I use for primary age kids - it' not rocket science, but it's about taking control of how you react to situations and learning how to manage your emotions, even when you can't control what other people say or do. Might be worth looking to see if Amazon suggests anything similar for teenagers - I'll have a look, too.
Oh, and another thing, Queen, don't worry about non-attendance at this stage. I work with EWOs and they tend to go after parents who aren't actively trying to resolve the situation - you obviously are. You cannot and should not force your dd into school as she obviously finds it a distressing place to be. An EWO will understand that, or should do.
Dd's school were initially supportive but I'm getting the impression they they're getting fed up of her.
I had a meeting with the school and CAMHS therapist together and it was decided a phased return to school would be if benefit. We agreed on 3 afternoons a week but dd went to meet a friend after school one afternoon she wasn't meant to be there and the head of year decided he wanted dd back at school full time. Dd agreed to this and initially all was ok.
She still had the odd panic attack but coped. Then a girl on her year started a rumour that dd had sex with an 18 year old - not true - and some of her "friends" said they didn't want to know her anymore. Dd was so upset. She tried to talk to the girl she regarded as her best friend, but the girl said to dd "I've got my own problems I don't need to deal with yours too".
Dd was distraught. She has supported this girl through so much, has been a shoulder for her to cry on and has backed her up when nobody else would. This resulted in dd self harming weekend before last. She felt she had no one.
Oh, Queen what a horrible thing for your dd to have to deal with. From what you say, she seems to be more mature than her friends and her expectations of them in terms of how supportive they will be may be too high (not her fault). For us adults, simply saying, "Of course I didn't have sex with an 18 year old, how ridiculous" would be enough to make us feel we'd made our point, but for a child of that age, it really hurts. Not only that someone would start such a rumour, but that her so-called friends would ostracise her because of a rumour. If this doesn't improve, and school doesn't support you, would you consider moving her?
Meant to say, I've found www.youngminds.org.uk full of usual advice.
I just have to add my sympathy for all of you going through these difficulties. My own DD now in Y11 has gone through similar experiences and I remember just crying my eyes out because DD wouldn't go to school. It is just horrible and I so agree with the feeling that everyone elses children seem to be happy and successful, as we have read on here there are loads of children (and families) going through this. DD moved primary school at Y5 because she was miserable and she had a great year at a different school (probably the only year she has enjoyed school!) so we have had many years of worry over this problem. I guess she is just not a girl who has enjoyed school even though she is bright.
A couple of points to add..one of the things that helped DD was that we took her to the GP for a blood test and this showed she had very low iron levels which made her exhausted and less able to cope. She doesn't find it easy to go to bed and get the right amount of sleep. It may be worth checking things physically because that can have knock on effects emotionally too. It didn't magically make DD love school but it did improve the daily routine of trying to get up and out.
DD is quiet and artistic, she has suffered torment from the way other girls have behaved..the usual freezing out, mean comments, not being invited to things etc I have just tried to support her through it. We looked at "Queen Bees and Wannabes" book which helped a bit. I have just tried to keep her spirits up and keep her going. Tried to arrange things to do outside school. It doesn't make up for the school/friends thing but has helped.
We have made the decision to move schools at 6th form stage so DD is leaving her academic state girls grammar to go to art college and do a BTech. (Cue raised eyebrows and looks down the nose from some people...I couldn't care less what they think. I will be glad for DD to move on) It has helped her to know that school is nearly over and apart from some GCSE related stress things have improved a great deal. Strangely enough, over the last couple of months DD has started to get friendly with a few girls she didn't know before (in year above and different forms) and there is definitely light at the end of a difficult dark tunnel.
Please try and remember that you are not alone and things can get better. I hope you get the help you need. It is quite possible to pick up education and training later so if school does not go well it is not the end of the world. Good luck all.
sorry should say has NOT enjoyed school
Hi mumofayoung - is your week getting any better and was the GP a help? You are having a tough time and so it is not surprising that your DS is reacting to it all - it's just a way of asking for help and you sound like you're doing a very good job of trying to provide it. But it's a learning curve and none of us know how to do it when we start! I still feel patches of despair, but I guess after five years of it, I have learned to deal with it all in some way or other. But it is such a relief to read these threads and know I'm not the only one - in RL, everyone's kids are happy, successful, confident, with stacks of friends! My friends worry about if their kids will get all A*s when I'm just hoping I can get mine to go in! When they complain about their kids' social lives, I have to stop myself from snapping back, 'Well, at least they have some friends!'
Queen - I do feel for you! Apart from my DS, I also have DD who - like yours - has had trouble making friends who are interested in her kind of thing - with many of them, it's all make-up and boys and celebs and gossip! She has finally found a group of girls that seem lovely and I am so hoping things will get better. She loves school - just wants to work and have friends and be herself.
Maryz is so right, that school is a small part of their lives - but as teenagers, they just don't have that perspective and that's why they despair. For them, this IS their whole life. One of the things I did was to find DS some outside activities that had nothing to do with school - to prove there is a world outside that has good things in it and nice people.
Hope everyone's week is going well ...
Hi all, we have made some progress this week, Monday was a flat no to school. The GP wasn't great but was slightly better than the last one I saw, she did make a comment though that bugged me...it was something along the lines that as my son isn't self harming yet or taking drugs & stealing then I should be grateful for that! I'm trying to steer him in the right direction to more positive things to PREVENT these things, not wait for it to get THAT bad that it would damage him beyond repair! I have been working closely with the school who have been very supportive and in fact my only source of support through this. In particular the SENCO and pastoral care manager. Pastoral care suggested that she do another home visit to us, this time at 8 o'clock in the morning on a day that I have to leave for work at 8.30. It could have gone either way and I did feel I was risking upsetting him further but really had nothing to lose. He has got on well with this particular lady previously and has responded well to her so I did have some confidence. It was hard to do but I left the house as normal he was refusing to get up and being unresponsive to me I just said that Mrs XXXXXX was downstairs and had come to help him and that I had to go to work. And I left it in her hands. When I returned home after 3 1/2 hours I was so anxious to know how it had gone and if he had gone in...his trainers were no longer in the hallway, dinner money taken from the side, went upstairs, bedroom empty, everything peaceful. It was such a relief, but obviously I was hoping he didn't feel forced as that could make his anxiety worse. When I phoned her she said it had taken her a few attempts by talking to him through the bedroom door and gently explaining that he needed to go into school, not to do lessons but there was a trip in the afternoon for him (which he knew about) and she didn't want him to miss out on. From there he went in and they are working closely with him directly to make a timetable for him that he is happy with so he feels in control, so far none of his usual lessons but things such as gardening and helping the children who attend with learning difficulties so he is receiving lots of praise for his invovlement with that and he has an action plan for just a few days at a time. Its a big relief for me but will need a lot more than this I know to move forward. I am just so grateful that things are going well for now and he is happily talking to me about his days and things are feeling dare I say it "normal" !!! Making the most of that feeling for now but preparing myself it could change at anytime again and being ready to support him in anyway I can. Thanks for all your support...I would have gone completley made if I hadn't come on here! xXx
Hi mumofayoung, I'm so glad you have had a better week and that your ds is coping for now. It's a good step in the right direction, very positive and I love that his school are supporting him in just doing things that he can be praised for and feel good about himself with.
My own ds had his first session with CBT lady at home yesterday evening and I hope this will be moving him in the right direction too. the one main thing that stood out for me was (when she brought me up to speed with ds present after their hour long chat) how we must keep careful control of his school refusal because it can be a slippery slope and that helping him to develop coping strategies other than staying at home is the first priority. Now it may not seem much, but rather stupidly I had never seen his behaviour re school as a strategy as such. I had seen it simply as an avoidance, it's semantics I know, but suddenly I have a different understanding and in a way some empowerment to deal with ds if and when he next says to me, "I'm not going to school". funny how just shifting ones view can open up more understanding. Anyway, he is at school today so relief for now!
How is it going guys? My boy hasn't been in yet this week, thought we were doing well but the weekends seem to affect him and Mondays are then hard to face again, which often spreads to Tuesday too! I'm hopeful that we will make progress tomorrow!
Hi mum. Weekends definitely have an effect, as do "returns" to school after holiday breaks - just as we get them into the flow ...
My ds is going through a better phase at the mo it seems, since I last posted he has seemed more relaxed and settled in his moods. I can see that he is still very dependent upon his friendships and convo's with friends (via facebook etc) for his peace of mind and he needs to learn to be independently strong, but I am glad for him to have had some happy time.
He has his second CBT session this friday and I booked an appointment with the headteacher tomorrow so ds can see that we are helping/supporting him emotionally but that he needs to responsibly address the academic side too. I have always thought that my ds wasn't too seriously depressed or school-phobic for the situation to become a deep worry, only enough to know he needed some pastoral support and some help in keeping the momentum of going to school in gear.
I am sure this time at home for your ds will be helpful in taking some of the stress off him. It is better to treat the child and his needs and help him find a "happy place" rather than making school attendance THE thing. Hope it's going ok.
Oh yes, the weekend thing! And half terms or holidays - anything that breaks the routine. Or my DS has a thing where he goes in on day one and then can't face day two.
Your GP comment would have irritated me too! You can always say there's someone worse off but that doesn't help you to cope any better with your own situation. At times, it can make you feel guilty for feeling bad about it. And yes, when of course you want to stop things before they get that bad. I have found that when I have tried to pre-empt what I could see coming, I was seen as over-reacting! I was actually quite grateful when my DS took matters into his own hands and refused to go to school because only then did they listen to me. I had been telling them for months that he was desperate and they offered no help until he reached crisis point.
Enjoy your 'normal' days. Those whose kids just get up and go to school will never understand the relief of normal!!
We too are off to CBT this afternoon. Hope it goes well for all of us.
Yes very similar patterns here, when he has gone back after a school holiday I've been surprised, then day 2 he can't cope and doesn't go in, in fact this is where school picked up the seperation anxiety/attatchment disorder. Still not gone in yet this week I am so tired of it at the moment, I mean physically I have no energy. School have advised to keep everything as normal as possible in the routines we have outside of school so he at least has consistency there. So hard to do though when you're at the brunt of things in the mornings and bedtimes. I've always judged childrens behaviour on the parents rightly or wrongly and I believe this is my fault, I have done something wrong somewhere for it to get this bad - I must have done. I feel so useless that I can't sort things out, sometimes I don't even know whether to speak or not for risk of upsetting things further. Fed up of walking on eggshells and saying yet again the "wrong thing". Longterm I have no idea what effect this will have on my son, just taking each day at a time for now but so worried about the future! I'm so glad I found this site as yes I look out of the window at other peoples children going to school and think It's just us stuck like this. But I know it's not from reading all your posts so thankyou for simply being here and replying, it';s good to know I'm not alone when I really do feel like it xXx
It does sometimes feel it's just you, though. Sometimes I browse through the education threads and think, oh, to have the luxury of not knowing which fantastic uni offer dd should choose! But then I tell myself that's not who she is, maybe never was and it just took all of this to realise that. I think the worst thing is the not knowing what you'll be facing from one day to the next. DD didn't go in yesterday, but did go in today. Like other posters' DCs, she is worse on a Monday, but that's a long day for her.
I also frequently question my parenting, but then I look at DS and it's all going pretty ok for him, so I must have done something right - or at less not done anything wrong - with him. We need to recognise where our boundaries are and just do what we can to the best of our abilities. That's all any good parent can do.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
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