Shy 15 yr old dd, no real friends

(53 Posts)
Rosirose Sun 24-Feb-13 11:00:23

This is my first posting so forgive me if it's not quite right. I'm desperate to help my 15 yr old dd. She started at her very academic school in yr 7 knowing nobody. Since then she has had trouble making friends and when she does they seem to disappear soon afterwards. It is always her who makes arrangements and often she is let down. She has spent the half-term week doing homework and with me. She has joined a netball club out of school but hasn't really made friends, she went on a summer camp last year but again didn't really make friends. We are thinking of changing schools for sixth form but why should a new school be any different? She is 15 but spends every weekend at home (she also hates sleepovers). She always had friends in her junior school. I just don't know what to do for the best. Has anyone got any suggestions I'm so worried.

janesnowdon1 Sun 24-Feb-13 15:00:38

Is your DD worried about it or is she happy? I have a friend whose DD is very happy not to bother with "school" friends and although unusual they don't see it as a problem
However,my DD was in a similar position in 6th form college and hated the no friends thing as she was so desperate to be "normal" and there seemed to be no reason for her lack of friends (she was pretty, trendy clothes, we offered lifts, organised activities etc) but she was last on everyone's list and it damaged her self confidence and I found it heartbreaking.

My DD's life has been transformed at uni (still not perfect but a million times better) - not sure what happened at 6th form and why she didn't click. Like you I spent a lot of time with my DD in the holidays and weekends and tried to do fun things and we are still very close which is lovely. My DD also did lots of activities to help with her uni applications and to keep busy - volunteer work,sports clubs etc and decided to take the view that she would go and not expect to make instant friends . Quite late on at 6th form she finally agreed to see their counsellor and she found talking to someone outside the family very helpful and regretted not agreeing to go sooner.

Your DD's school may offer something similar and you could ask her tutor confidentially about her interactions at school - could she be paired up on seating plans with someone who is also a bit lost etc.

Good luck - it's so hard

Virtuallyarts Sun 24-Feb-13 20:26:37

poor both of you, must be miserable - my sympathies. About why a new school would be different, I think sometimes a new start can help, because girls (and boys!) can get into a rut where people have a fixed view of them, so moving somewhere new can get them beyond that.

Is current school quite big - is it possible that dd just hasn't found the girls she might really click with? (I know it's been four years, but if the classes don't mix much there may still be people out there...) Would it be worth talking to her head of year, or head of pastoral care, or whoever, to see whether they can help - get her together with any other currently-lonely girls?
Out of school clubs are a really good idea, but ime can be quite 'slow-burn' so don't give up on the netball yet! What about something like drama or music - drama is quite social anyway, and bands/orchestras seem to run a lot of courses which is good for the social life!

Jimalfie Mon 25-Feb-13 09:34:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rosirose Mon 25-Feb-13 15:31:20

Thank you for your replies and to answer your question Janesnowdon1, yes, she is worried about it and does want to go out more. Like you, with your daughter, we can't understand why she doesn't have friends. She is pretty, trendy (well I think so!) and 'nice' maybe too nice. She just seems to be a normal girl. Who works far too hard. I have spoken to the school, her form tutors and the head of pastoral care. They say she is fine in class and they also said they would think about who they sat her next to but this doesn't appear to have happened and one teacher even 'forgot' she was in the class and just had to find a space. I have suggested she see the school councillor to see if maybe she can help but she won't go. I'm literally having sleepless nights over it. What if she never makes friends? She is so quiet now even with cousins and grandparents and seems to only speak when spoken to. What changed for your daughter Janesnowdon1? Why do you think it suddenly clicked at university? Another concern of mine is that she won't fit in there because she doesn't drink. - please don't think I wish my dd was out and about getting drunk on a Saturday eve but she will have a tiny sip of something on a special occasion and I know this sets her apart from many of her peers - I'm pleased the general concensus seems to be to move her for sixth form because I also think that is probably right. I just don't want to make the wrong decision. In answer to your question virtuallyarts, her school is large, all girls and whilst the classes do mix they are all super clever and super confident and many are also super sporty. Not an easy place to be and tears this morning after the break!

Virtuallyarts Mon 25-Feb-13 15:50:38

More sympathy again! Do you have any particular schools in mind for 6th form - would there be anywhere where the students are a bit less stratospheric? Do you think co-ed would be good at 6th form - I know it reduces the 'pool' of girls to be friends with, but it might be good to have a change of environment?

But it sounds as though you have at least 4 terms left at this school - is that right? - so I would also be inclined to go back to the school and ask for more help. If it's a big school it seems likely that there must be someone else in her position in her year - can they be guided towards each other?

Are there any mn teachers out there who can advise whether that might work - to find another girl with the same problem and put them together on a piece of work, for instance? Does that ever guide girls towards friendship, or is it doomed to failure (or somewhere in between!)?

On the 'will she ever make friends'? I think sometimes there is no real reason why a dd doesn't make friends at school - just bad luck, not with the right people at the right time etc, and then things go downhill at that place - so if dd moves for 6th form things may well be better. I wouldn't be too worried about the non-drinking at university - I don't think all students are that into alcohol (and she may have changed a bit by the time she's 18!)

Good luck - this must be so stressful for you both,

Virtuallyarts Mon 25-Feb-13 16:09:51

Another thought! You mentioned that dd had friends when she was in primary school - are any of them still around 3-4 years on, who dd could meet up with?

If they've lost touch, maybe start off by e-mailing or texting?

Rosirose Tue 26-Feb-13 13:58:15

Thanks virtuallyarts for your messages. I am thinking of co-ed for sixth form and def a school that is not quite so high achieving which I also think could be a big part of the problem. You are also right in that we still have 4 long terms to go at the school and I do need to go back to them. (my dh has been pushing me to do this but I feel rightly or wrongly that they are not really interested). Also, re her old friends from primary school they gradually faded away and made new friends. She did push to see them early on but they started not returning calls etc.

Alonglongway Tue 26-Feb-13 17:40:55

Good on her for not drinking though. There's enormous pressure on them to drink heavily these days and I think it's brilliant if she wants to preserve her brain chemistry. Not to mention the drunken photos ending up on Facebook and all that.....

Virtuallyarts Tue 26-Feb-13 19:03:42

Yes, I think it would be worth trying another talk with head of pastoral care and the form tutor, and emphasise how unhappy it's making your dd.

Any mn teachers out there who could advise on what practical steps (if any) the school could take - is anything particularly likely to work?

Do you have family friends you can invite round to Sunday lunch with their teenagers - I know the problem is that by this age the teenager is likely to be going somewhere else! but worth trying? It can be nice to socialise with someone from a different area from time to time.

Gymbob Tue 26-Feb-13 19:40:32

how distressing as a mum to watch this. big hugs to you and your girl. thankfully my dd has friends now but at primary they drifted away and she ended up alone a lot of the time. it's heartbreaking to watch.

lots of kids round here mix and match for sixth form changing schools. but I do know some of my friends who go to all girl schools have encountered difficulties. changing to a mixed sixth form will change the dynamics in a big way. have I presumed rosí will it be mixed?

Rosirose Wed 27-Feb-13 18:29:46

I have tried to arrange 'family' lunches with our friends but my ds who is 16 yrs old flatly refuses to come as he thinks it's "really sad" to be seen with your parents and most of my friends kids feel the same. In fact what is worse is that one girl who used to be a very good friend at primary school now says my dd only speaks when spoken to and she doesn't even return my dd's texts. (her mother is a good friend of mine which is how I know what her dd thinks but my dd would be truly gutted if she knew and I have told her not to text her old friend as she is busy with homework!) I have also asked my ds if he could help but whilst he does try they are so very different and she won't go out with him and his friends on the rare occasions she has been asked.

Btw the sixth forms I'm looking at are mixed and I'm also a little worried about this. Her primary school was mixed and she did have lots of friends who were boys but this was obviously a) before she went really quiet and b) before the hormones all kicked in! But I do think that boys are more straightforward than girls. Also, one of the schools is more of a college and everyone is new whereas the other is a co-ed school. I'm not sure which would be better but I'm prob leaning towards the school (I did have a third option of a boys school that takes girls in the sixth form but decided this was prob not the best option as to be seriously in the minority might not be great)

thornrose Wed 27-Feb-13 18:38:33

I just wanted to say, my sister was just like your dd. She was the most painfully shy girl you could imagine.
She has grown up to be the complete opposite, she has loads of friends and a great social life.
She just seemed to "blossom". I realise this might not help you now, but I wouldn't worry to much about the future just yet.
My own dd struggles with friendships, I do feel your pain sad

Rosirose Wed 27-Feb-13 18:51:50

Thanks so much thornrose it really does help to know that things will hopefully get better. (I do tell myself that in my more rational moments) It is just so upsetting at the moment. I'm sorry your dd is also not having a good time with friends. How old is she? I also think things are made so much harder these days because of all the Facebook, texting etc. I mean at least when I was at school if I wasn't invited to a social a) I wldnt hear about usually until after the event and b) I def wouldn't see photos!

thornrose Wed 27-Feb-13 18:58:56

Mine is 13, I've posted about her problems quite a bit and had some lovely replies.
Oh god, Facebook! My dd tortures herself with pictures of everyone socialising, having sleepovers, going to see bloody 1D or Little Mix.
My sister looks back at her school life and cannot believe it was her! She is like a different person.

exoticfruits Wed 27-Feb-13 19:42:14

I think that it is circumstances and if they change then so can her friends. It sounds as if the school is a bit of a hot house with the super clever and super sporty.
A change for 6th form could be good, but I would go to all the open evenings with her and get a real gut feeling. I went to the all girls for the 6th form (from mixed) and that is when it was really hard, I was OK in class but I could never penetrate the cliques for any sort of social life.
My friend has DSs who were Home Educated and they went to the local, very large comprehensive for 6th form. They all fitted in and had a great social life through it, one would manage it anyway, but the eldest was like your DD and a worry but he was very happy-he even became a counsellor that younger DCs with problems went to see-not something that you could imagine beforehand.
When I went to university I was really worried, having had 2 years without much of a social life, but you are rather thrown together and no one knows anyone. I made some very good friends who are still friends today.
DS1 went to university without drinking-he still drinks very little now. He was in a great hall because they had a questionnaire first which asked things like 'do you work with background noise' , 'what time do you like to go to bed ' 'what interests' etc.
For the meantime I would try and get her volunteering for something-it is often easier if you are doing something-and looks good on a CV. How about a Saturday job (if she can get one-not easy)In the summer holidays she could perhaps get a job on a children's play scheme-the leaders tend to have fun together.
Don't despair-I know how dreadful things seem when you can't sleep-people change.
My BIL was very quiet and isolated when I first met him, aged about 20yrs-you wouldn't recognise him now as being the same person!

exoticfruits Wed 27-Feb-13 19:43:07

FB must be deadly-it makes it look as if everyone else is having a wonderful time.

exoticfruits Wed 27-Feb-13 19:44:16

Sorry-I was thinking 16-forget the job bit for the moment, but volunteering is still a good idea.

Virtuallyarts Wed 27-Feb-13 21:03:05

I think some girls do go quieter in their teens than at primary school, it may be a sort of defensive mechanism in the hurly burly of secondary school. Doesn't necesarily mean it will last, but is just a way of getting through those years.

What's your dd interested in - just wondering if there might be any clubs for teenagers with a shared interest? Obviously netball is one - but is there any other particular interest - eg Star Wars/hip hop, animals, whatever? It can make conversation easier if you're talkign to a fellow fan.

Could she ask to volunteer at school to help run a club for the younger ones? - quite a lot of schools do this, and it's somewhere to escape to at lunch, as well as really good for self-esteem, shyness and so on, to have to help the young ones.

coatonarack Thu 28-Feb-13 11:16:33

This is my daughter. Are you sure you're not my secret twin sister?

DD is almost 15 and is exactly the same: clever, pretty (think Harry Potters's Fleur Delacour), sweet, kind, but painfully shy and has no real friends. So shy that her Latin teacher has admitted that teachers forget about her in class, At Christmas she was left out of the form's "secret santa" and she is only invited out by one "friend" who, I suspect, is doing this as DD is her mum's charity case. I don't know what to do for her upcoming 15th birthday. Last year we took her and 2 friends to Harry Potter studios and her friends paired up and disappeared and DD was left crying on her own.

We are absolutely definitely changing her at 6th form. She plays the violin but I am also going to start her with 1-2-1 singing lessons so that she has to learn how to project her voice: hopefully this will mean that she is more confident about speaking up.

I think she will be fine at university and also your DD will be fine at university. She will be with more like-minded people, ie choosing a particular university, then choosing a particular course. All this is self-selection and thus will weed out those who are completely uncompatible.

Imagine going round a supermarket and having to be friends with everyone (I mean everyone) in there, because that's what it's like in school. My son will talk to anyone, but he is quite superficial. My DD is more introverted and deep. So again, by natural selection, some people will have more in common at the organic hummous bit rather than the own brand frozen sunday lunch on a plate bit. This is a bit of a weird metaphor but might help.

One last thing, I wouldn't normally recommend a website but if your DD likes creative writing, check out - it's an online forum where you can post stories and other people comment on it. DD doesn't know that I've snooped on her page, but the support and kind words on there have brought a tear to my eye.

Cooroo Thu 28-Feb-13 14:19:18

Love the supermarket analogy! My DD went to secondary school with no friends as we'd moved house, and it was a good 3 years before she found her feet. For her, it was discovering herself as a goth and tracking down the other 'weirdos', dying and straightening her hair.

High school is a pretty horrible place to be much of the time, especially if without friends. I'm sure 6th form will be better, and uni or whatever better than that. It's awful watching your child at a difficult time, and so hard to realise they are not alone. How come all these lonely girls don't find each other??

QOD Thu 28-Feb-13 14:37:33

My dd is similar friends in school BUT won't socialise at all out. Won't do sleepovers, go shopping etc. would go to a concert and has with me, and would with certain friend but they aren't allowed ....
Soent the entire half term sitting watching TV. Meanwhile, I signed in n her Facebook and her friends are all meetin up, going out, sleeping over. They don't even invite her anymore, because she says no.
Unlike your dd, mine doesn't WANT to go anywhere or do anything.
Worries me as her dad is a sit at home allllll the time going no where, doing nothing and moaning about being bored.

Me? I'm out and about all the time, and even still do sleepovers with one of my friends!!

Rosirose Thu 28-Feb-13 14:45:10

Thanks thornrose. I just hope I can look back in a few years and wonder why I was so worried. I feel for your daughter. I actually think 13 yr olds can be seriously toxic I have heard it is the worst age for cattiness. Thanks exotic fruits for your comments. I am going to go to all the open days and it does def worry me that my dd will have diff trying to penetrate the cliques but as she clearly hasn't managed to do it in her current school, hopefully we won't be any worse off. Also, I'm hoping that if she is in a more 'normal' school she will feel better about herself. I love the idea about the questionnaire for the university. Is that a common practice? I have never heard of it before. Also, my dd does volunteer at the moment. She helps younger children on a Fri afternoon after school with reading but she hasn't really clicked with the other volunteers, many who are her age. Also, I have encouraged her to be a trainee leader on a holiday camp but whilst she hasn't said no there isn't really any enthusiasm there. I may sound ungrateful for your comments but I'm not. I'm really grateful for them. It makes me feel much better to hear that other people have been in the same position and then changed and also that there are other dd's out there who are experiencing the same or similar. Whilst many of my friends children are far from perfect (yes really) they don't have the same issues and whilst my friends often moan their Saturday night is ruined by the chauffeuring they have to do. I would far prefer to do that than know my dd is at home alone and going to bed at about 9.30pm! Thanks coatonarack for your message. Your experiences sound so similar to mine. I can so understand the hideous outing. We have so been there! I will suggest but I'm not sure how she now feels about creative writing. She used to love it but now she says she hates it. I'm sure it wasn't so bad when I was at school and I know my mother didn't worry about my social life/friends.

Virtuallyarts Thu 28-Feb-13 22:11:20

Indeed Cooroo, how can the shy girls be helped to find each other? What strikes me is that statistically there must be another girl at rr's dd's school in the same position in that year (surely? statisticians help me out!) but they may just not find each other. Could the school help out by guiding them towards each other?

More generally, wouldn't it be good if there was a forum where they could make internet friends with similar interests - but policing it would be so impossible.

Coatonarack, how about a birthday dinner (japanese? thai? mexican?) - at least then everyone has to stay put instead of being able to wander off and abandon the birthday girl. Or cinema - same thing applies, and then there is something to talk about over pizza afterwards?

QOD, would your dd have friends round to watch a dvd if she doesn't want to go out? I suppose some girls just like the security of being at their own house rather than being out and about?

rosirosi do you think it would be easier to overcome the cliques if dd went to the college where everyone is new? (though of course students from 'feeder' schools may turn up en masse so the cliques may still be there....) It will be interesting to hear from the school and the college at the open days how they help the new 6th formers to integrate - is it 'sink or swim' or do they have a buddy system, socials in the first week etc? (guessing wildly here, I have no idea what sort of things they do, but their answers to the question may be useful!)

thornrose Thu 28-Feb-13 22:17:25

It's a shame there wasn't a friendship notice board in High schools where children could somehow try to find like minded people.
Virtuallyarts - I'm sure you were on my thread about my dd's issues. You give fantastic advice and have such an interest in others, just saying blush

Cooroo Fri 01-Mar-13 07:43:28

Vitruallyarts - i have no idea! I was helpless. It just happened in its own time. We could all save our DCs so much heartache if they'd only take our advice and not waste time making the mistakes we made, but it just doesn't happen!

That said, my DD plays violin and we play together at a local music centre. Nice kids there - including her new boyfriend! Not smarmy music kids, many of them play guitar in bands and are goth/metal.

QOD Fri 01-Mar-13 18:08:53

She's just not interested I them out of school at all sad
She'll have old primary friends round if their mums are popping in, but nope, she just won't.
Worries me!

exoticfruits Fri 01-Mar-13 21:25:09

I don't think it is common practice Rosirose-but it worked well. It is luck who you get to live with.
Rest assured that she is not alone. I taught a lovely girl. I met her mother a few years later when she was at secondary and she was just like your DD. She would try activities but she just concentrated on the activity and went home. A very intelligent girl, good looking, everything going for her-very like her elder sister who managed to make lots of friends. Her mother was worried and didn't know what to do.
It is a pity that they can't all get together-there must be more in your area, but it is a hidden problem.

coatonarack Mon 04-Mar-13 19:32:21

Ha! Listen to this piece of gob-shte from DD's half-year school report:

"DD has a very good set of close friends, who care about her and have shown their support to her."

No they haven't. They drove her to abject misery over Christmas, so much so that DD hacked her arm to pieces. We have the first appointment with CAHMS tomorrow but the school deny everything and insinuate that the problem lies with me, implying that I'm a bad parent.

She is definitely not staying on to 6th form.

Rosirose Mon 04-Mar-13 21:38:03

Thanks virtuallyarts. You really do give good advice and I agree, there must be other girls like my dd in her school but how to find them?? In one primary school I went to they had a little friendship stop like a bus stop and we were told if the children had no one to play with they waited there and someone would come and get them. It wasn't my dd school but I'd love to know if it worked! Not of course that it would work even after the age of about 7 yrs old. But I loved the idea.

Exoticfruits - thanks for your messages. It is interesting that you have seen the problem from a teachers point of view so it's clearly not unique.

Coatonarack - I can't believe what crap from the school. How can they say she has a good set of close friends if she hasn't. I really don't think they are interested in anything apart from results. Unless a child is disruptive or they're doing badly they just don't seem to want to help. Good luck with CAHMS. I really hope it goes well.

exoticfruits Mon 04-Mar-13 22:06:45

A lot of primary schools have 'playground friends' where you have a post or bench or similar where you go if you have no one to play with and some year 6 sort them out. It wouldn't work in secondary but some have pupil mentors to help out, but not much help as your DD's school clearly isn't helping.
I would say that the fact she had friends at primary school was a good sign- I am sure that it is circumstances more than anything. Unfortunately she hasn't made the friends and it is even harder to make changes within school - I think that you have to make the efforts outside school and really research the 6th forms.

Virtuallyarts Tue 05-Mar-13 08:05:55

Thanks tr and rosi for nice comments about the good advice - I suppose the test is, does any of it actually work though?! As to that I am not sure....

Rosirose, do you think the school would be responsive if you just went in and asked them to get her together with another girl who's in the same position? I suppose one problem is that if you're shy, another shy girl may not be the most likely to 'take' - you need a Miss Chatty to bring you out. On the other hand, nothing ventured nothing gained - if it doesn't work, you haven't really lost anything, so it could be worth a try. And two quiet girls can have just as nice a time watching dvds, going to the cinema, trailing round shops etc, as chatty ones can.

Coatonarack, good luck with CAHMS, really hope it goes well today.

Exotic fruits, I think you're right about the hidden problem. Do you think, from your experience as a teacher (though it sounds as though you're primary not secondary?) that there is much/anything a school can do, assuming that it has the resources and the will (and I realise that they have many many other things on their plate!). Given the time and staff available to focus on it, do you think that things like pairing up the lonely girls (or boys! - just that this is a thread about a dd) can potentially work at secondary school, or is that outside your sphere of experience?

coatonarack Wed 06-Mar-13 13:44:02

Thanks, girls.

At DD's primary school there was a "buddy bench" which sounds similar to everyone else's experiences. It's such a shame that at secondary school they get left to their own devices, even though the problems are almost worse.

exoticfruits Wed 06-Mar-13 16:35:58

I was primary and it is much easier e.g if I knew there was a problem I could pair them up with a DC at lunchtime and give them a job like sharpening pencils where they can sit and chat on their own.
Secondary schools could do more but I have very limited experience to what they do do. Lunchtime clubs are quite good, if they have them. I know that my nephew was a pupil mentor which meant that he would have helped sort them out. At that age it has to be subtle, you can't say 'you two are both lonely - why not pal up' - they would both hate it. If you approach the school you will need to be very subtle- it would be easy to embarrass your DD.
I think it is the situation and not your DD- although the isolation isn't helping.

My path through school had a lot of changes and varying experiences:

1. Started school and immediately made a best friend so was very happy.
2. Unfortunately moved to a different part of the country after 6 months- had no friends at all at the next school- just used to stand and watch at playtime.
3. Luckily temp accommodation and moved to a very similar sized school and loved it- lots of friends.
4. We to secondary school and made 2good friends who are still friends today, but if they were off I was lost.

5. After 3 years changed secondary and loved it, a wide circle of friends.
6. Changed for 6th form, all girls for the first time- very cliquey. All friendly enough in class, but breaks difficult and a no go socially.
7. Went to university and a wide circle of friends, some still friends today.

I am just putting all that to encourage- I know what it is to lie in bed and worry about children. I do it at the moment with DS3 who is isolated at the moment through circumstances- I expect it to change, but even so it gives sleepless nights.

What I am trying to say is that it really isn't your DD - there will be solutions- it is the finding of them that is difficult!

exoticfruits Wed 06-Mar-13 16:37:55

She also isn't the only one- however -those in that situation are keen to hide it.

Virtuallyarts Thu 07-Mar-13 09:13:47

exotic fruits, your message is so encouraging because it shows that it is often chance, luck, circumstances etc that decide whether dcs make friends at school, and not some 'intrinsic' quality of that dc - so as you say, there are solutions!

I think you're right that the teenage equivalent of pencil sharpening (!) would be possible for secondary schools to organise for the currently lonely dcs - but obviously it takes staff resources and input, and to a school may not seem as high a priority as it does to the dparents. Plus I also have a feeling that not many parents with dcs in this position approach the secondary school, so schools are not that often asked to take action - that's just speculation though, as I don't work in one!

exoticfruits Thu 07-Mar-13 09:47:04

The problem is that I would have wanted the floor to swallow me up if my mother went in to sort it out, especially since you can't rely on the school to be understanding and diplomatic. In the 6th form I would have said that I was reading in the library at lunchtimes, or getting on with homework, because that is what I liked doing! I must have told my brother because after I left school my parents moved to the other end of the country and he had to go to a grammar school single sexed school, he was fine, after a shaky start, but I remember him saying ' I thought it was going to be like you in the 6th form'. And yet my friend's HEed DS who has never really had many friends, having trailed after his brother's interests has joined a 6th form and has a very active social life. It is very much luck.

MrsMushroom Thu 07-Mar-13 09:52:25

I was very like your daughter...and like someone else said, I had an enormous change aged 17...I just grew into myself and felt more comfortable speaking and mixing.

I can't advise much more than others have....but can I ask...what is she especially good at? Can she write well? She could begin a blog about her experiences....this can be very fulfiling and can also lead to blog awards, meet-ups and social events.

As she's academic, I just thought that this might be an option.

coatonarack Thu 07-Mar-13 10:10:44

oooh, MrsMushroom - how do you get on the blog circuit? Do you just set up a wordpress blog and hope for the best or are there specific websites you link to so that your blog is read by the wider world?

exoticfruits Thu 07-Mar-13 10:18:53

You can't even say it was the school. Another girl moved with me from the same school, but the year below, she didn't appear to have many friends there, but she was a great hockey player (she became a games teacher) and she broke into a clique easily.
As MrsMushroom says, an interest is the key. I hated being a teenager - life was much better when I got older. I have had some pretty traumatic times, but the one period I wouldn't really want to do again is 12-18- they can be very difficult for a shy person. Now that I am older I can say that I would much rather go on a fell walk than a party, but as a teenager it makes you seem odd!
When you look around everyone seems to be getting on better e.g when I was a widow weekends seemed to be made up of families out and about- however scratch the surface and it isn't the case.
Anyway- very best wishes to her- she sounds lovely.

MrsMushroom Thu 07-Mar-13 10:56:30

Coat I'm not a Blogger but Mumsnet has a section where there are a lot of experienced's a case of writing the blog and building up contacts I they comment on your blog and you get more followers.

That's simplified...but basically the gist. Also there are groups such as Tots100 set up to help people get further ahead and through them you hear about awards etc and how best to promote yourself.

nickstmoritz Thu 07-Mar-13 12:17:00

Rosirose I could have written the same message as you and I sympathise I have worried so much over the years. DD is also 15, almost 16. It has helped her to visit some other options for 6th form and she will be leaving the all girls state grammar to go to art college and do a level 3 diploma instead of A levels (cue sniffy opinions of others but I don't care because we think she will be much happier). There are some mean girls around and quiet shy types are easy to be unkind to..making plans and not inviting DD, personal comments etc You all know the drill. However DD has remained her quirky arty self and strangely enough lately she has finally got friendly with some girls at school (in year above and another form). I totally agree with others that it is the situation not your DD that is to blame. I believe school is rubbish for some people and they come into their own later.

The things that helped us were..planning some things to do esp when you know that there is something on that they might have been left out of. Meeting up with family because the cousins always have a great time together. Talking it through (we had a look at the Queen Bees and wannabes book which helped us talk and laugh about some of the girls at school) and just generally keeping her spirits up through the worst bits of school. In some ways GCSE year has been good because we say put your head down and get your exams and you can get out of the school and move on. She still feels she has missed out on some of the teenage fun times but she would never have felt that comfortable with some of the things that have gone on anyway.

DD has set up her own ETSY shop and has sold some of her work and has got a few pen pals through interests in bands/books/movies and art.

I agree with others who have said about helping your DD to tap into what she is good at and enjoys and see if that opens up some socialising opportunities or maybe a PT job. (I had a great social life when working in a book shop because the other people were interesting and funny). Sending you and DD all the best. I am seeing some light at the end of a tunnel and I hope you will too.

Virtuallyarts Sat 09-Mar-13 11:30:01

Lovely tips Nick StM, particularly arranging to do things to 'fill the diary' a bit. Even inviting your own friends round for dinner can be a nice diversion for dteens, parents' friends are usually more fun than own parents!
Or just going out somewhere can be a boost - theatre, cinema, whatever. I think also very important to make the exoticfruits point - that people can seem to be having a better time, but in reality may not be, and have their own probs - often not obvious to the dteens.

Rosirose Sat 09-Mar-13 15:56:21

Thanks, for all your postings. I would say that my dd life is a bit like exotic fruits pnt 6. I also (in my more rational moments!) realise that everyone has their own issues with being a teen. MrsMushroom it is good to hear that you came into yourself at about 17 and she is very keen to move at sixth form which is def something to look forward to. My only concern at the back of my mind is that my dd was incredibly popular when she was younger. I remember clearly that in yr 3, her teacher said everyone wanted to be her friend, sit next to her, be her partner etc. She also said that without being rude, she couldn't understand it because whilst she was kind and lovely she did nothing to warrant the attention she was getting. She then said that if she remained so popular my dd would need help dealing with it but if she lost the attention she would also probably need help dealing with it. Later that year, she was bullied a little (but we ignored it) and by the time she got to year 5 she had friends but she was def not one of the 'in' girls anymore and the friends chopped and changed and she remained in contact with no one when she left the school. Since then she has got quieter and quieter. I would love for her to have fun with her cousins but she is the youngest and all the others are pretty loud so she stays quiet (I have asked my brother and sister-in-law to ask their kids to help but I really don't want it to be a pity party. Also, my daughter is lovely so it shouldn't have to be.) Consequently, sometimes I actively avoid the full on family socials. Which leads me back to is it just her environment or is there anything I have missed? Btw she has a great sense of humour and is fun to be with. She is also completely open with both myself and my dh. She also adores her older brother who is 17 (when she sees him - he is always out)

nickstmoritz Sat 09-Mar-13 16:37:48

Rosirose. I think that the fact that your DD has a good sense of humour and is fun to be is a really positive thing. It would be worse if she was getting depressed. It makes me think that she is just in a situation where she hasn't managed to negotiate the friendship cliques at school. It also gives me hope that she will come out of herself given the right circumstances, so at college perhaps.TBH she might actually be too nice. Sounds odd I know but it takes a lot of resilience and a thick skin to get through school years and if you haven't got a thick skin or a loud mouth it can end up making some people go inside their shell somewhat especially if you have been unlucky enough not to find a close friend or couple of friends. That can just be bad luck and that is what we said to our DD when she was upset and lonely. Our DD has had 3 really crap years at school but finally some of the girls seem to have matured and broken away from certain groups. Can't quite believe this but DD went to a cafe after school yesterday with some frends and today a group of 5 of them have gone on the train to Bath. I am hoping that finally even if it is just for these last few weeks DD will have a bit of fun and start to rebuild her self esteem. My advice is keep talking to your DD and having some fun together. Let her know that she has a great personality and other people are missing out on spending time with her. Look out for any opportunities to extend her life outside, sports or hobbies. I am sure it will come right. It is just a crappy few years for loads of teens. Plus the so called popular ones sometimes are hiding troubles of their own. Ye gods DD2 has told me what some in her Y9 get up to!! Be glad your DD hasn't gone down that road. My DD2 is very sociable and popular and even she has had to negotiate some friendship issues (name calling for not having a boyfriend..called a baby and virgin Mary!) Quiet or can be a nightmare for anyone! Keep going and make sure DD keeps her sense of humour and fun and she will be ok. New start new people for Y12.

onedev Sat 09-Mar-13 17:03:53

I'm sorry your dd is going through this & I imagine it must be so difficult to watch, however I would say that I was exactly the same from about 13-17 & the worst part for me was actually seeing my mum upset about it. I felt bad at not having many friends & desperately lacked confidence (think it started when I got braces & glasses at age 13) & concentrated on studying. I got a part time job in a shop at 17 & that massively helped from a confidence perspective but I didn't truly come into my own until uni.

Don't know what changed then really, but I got my confidence back, made loads of friends & had a ball there.

I did go on to get a fab job, am married with 3 gorgeous boys & have tonnes of friends (I'm 36 now). I'm not meaning to sound big headed, more to say that I'm sure this will pass. Hard as it is, please try not to stress yourself (& therefore your dd) as it will all turn out ok & others will appreciate her for the fantastic girl you know she is. All the best. smile

Virtuallyarts Sun 10-Mar-13 15:56:51

Rosi did your dd go significantly quieter at transition to secondary school? I think that transition can sometimes be a bit of a sink or swim thing in some schools, friendship wise, and while 95% swim, a few don't - and that is often a matter of luck. Then if you find you haven't made friends it seems/is safer to go quiet, not draw too much attention to yourself.
That's my theory, anyway, as to why some girls get less outgoing in their pre/early teens! Could explain why, as people on this thread have experienced, they come back out of the shell at say 16/17 or so - everyone is a bit more mature, so it's less daunting to try to socialise.
One other thing - is your dd tech'd up with access to bbm or whatever the other girls use? if not, I know there are pros and cons, but would it be worth considering? If all the other girls are messaging, it may be hard to stay in the loop when things are being arranged. Sorry if you've already done that, and that's a non issue!

Rosirose Mon 11-Mar-13 13:24:47

Onedev has a point about my dd seeing me upset. I do try and hide it but when something new happens I know she can see it on my face. Which I think also puts more pressure on her. (I have also worked very hard at not asking her who she sat next to at lunch on a daily basis - paranoid mum or what!). It is so nice to read onedev that you got a fab job, married and have kids. I just want her (and my ds) to be happy.

Virtuallyarts, she did go significantly quieter at her large secondary school and I do think you are right about the sink or swim etc. But she was definitely going quieter towards the end of her primary school. She also gets so anxious about her work and gets so upset when she thinks she hasn't understood something, even though we tell her all the time it doesn't matter. She does have a blackberry and she does use it which as you say is good in some ways but not others. She also has the computer etc.

Nickstmoritz you are so right about the thick skin for teenagers. I'm so pleased I won't be going there again, I remember so well the mood swings and the friendship issues! I also know that even those with good friendship groups (like your dd2) have problems. I really hope that the change at year 12 will be successful and it will be clear it was the environment that was wrong for her. I just hope that things don't stay the same because not only will she need to deal with the harder work she will also have new teachers, new environment and new kids.

Virtuallyarts Mon 11-Mar-13 18:33:54

How much older are the cousins? I know you've got understandable reservations about asking them to take her under their wing, but I would be tempted. They're most likely to be 'on her side', and could maybe go off at family functions to listen to music with her, play some video games - fun, and a real confidence boost to be with slightly older teens (I'm making lots of assumptions about their ages). Depends on what the cousins are like, of course, but if they would play ball it could be a good start.

Netball club - would it be feasible for your dd to ask a few of the girls over at the weekend? (Problem - I know! - is that you may not even want to suggest it in case dd gets knocked back if they say no)

What about your ds? I expect you don't want to make him 'responsible' for your dd, but is there anything she could seamlessly go along with him and his friends to - cinema, maybe?

It really does sound as though it's the current environment and not your dd - your dd sounds great, funny, friendly and anyone would be lucky to have her as her/his friend!

SugarMouse1 Sun 17-Mar-13 20:09:10


I just wanted to tell you about my experiences and that my life was/is a bit like your DD's.

Has she said why she hates sleepovers? Anything in particular about them?

Did she have any friends at primary school? Could she get back in touch with them?

Do you think she could possibly have a problem with reading signs/ misinterpreting people or any annoying habits? (Not suggesting this is ur DD's fault btw).

Could you pull her out of school and home-educate? At least then she may keep some of her self-esteem. When I was at I remember an overwhelming sense of dread that I would be left on my own at lunchtime, no-one to work with for pair-work, picked last for teams etc. It dominated those years.

If I was seen alone, idiots would shout, 'LONER! LONER!' at me.

And some of the teachers weren't much better, a spanish TA, once said to me one lunch-time, when I was doing some work in a classroom, (I had a lovely tutor who let me stay in there at lunchtime), 'Why don't you have any friends?', I didn't know what to say sad

The overwhelming thing for me has been the sense of shame surrounding it. I never told my parents and tried to pretend things were fine, etc. Is your DD quite open about discussing her lack of friends?

Because I really wish I had been more open and honest about it- I may have solved the issues easier.

BTW, things got worse for me, I did stupid things to try and get friends- I drank to excess, started smoking etc, as an attempt to be more accepted (only worked temporarily).

I also put up with horrible friends and boyfriends who used me basically, cos I just wanted to have someone.

Good Luck

exoticfruits Sun 17-Mar-13 22:17:39

Sorry to hear about your experiences SugarMouse - but the last thing she needs is Home Education. She is OK in the classroom, she is not getting bullied - she merely needs a social life outside school and if she can't get it with fellow pupils she needs to look elsewhere.

SugarMouse1 Mon 18-Mar-13 18:25:10

Yes, but maybe HomeEd would boost her self-esteem IFSWIM?

Btw, many boys of this age don't have a social life- they just play computer games all the time!!!

I'm not saying that this is a good thing- but they tend to be perfectly normal socially once they grow up a bit.

Anyway, this has surely got to be better then her hanging around street corners like many of this age group!

When she is 16 she could maybe look for a part-time job, and this may help a lot!!!

exoticfruits Mon 18-Mar-13 19:35:56

I don't think that the alternative to being alone is hanging around street corners! It is perfectly possible to have similar minded friends. She is an academic DD, at a highly academic school, doing well-I can't see it is any help to be at home, trying to do it without teachers.
As a shy child the very worst thing that could have happened for me and my self esteem was to opt out and be at home full time-and I certainly wouldn't have mentioned any problems if I thought that would be the suggestion to it.
She needs suggestions for getting out and about. The part time job, once old enough, is a much better one.

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