16 year old daughter sexually active

(82 Posts)
counter Wed 20-Feb-13 20:32:20

I don't even know where to start! The last 3 weeks have been nightmare and I am seeking advice on how to proceed. 16 year old Daughter is a straight A student and we have never had any problems. Three weeks ago we found out she is sexually active with her 15 year old BF. She tells us it happened 3 times and always with a condom.

I feel so disappointed and ashamed of her and am trying to work past that. Aside from the obvious conversations about sex, emotions, conversations with BF parents...here are the restrictions we imposed:
-2 week no contact
-blocked him from her cell phone as we believed it was texting that led to this
-they could talk only on the home phone in shared rooms
-no unsupervised contact for a very long time
-Birth control

Over this 3 week time period she informed us that she was considering breaking up. Her monitored communications with her friends supported indicated she was being honest. We could only hope as we have never liked this kid.

A week ago I found out they had found away around texting by using an email account I did not know about. She was telling him she need her space. He was very aggressive in his responses. Eventually his messages turned very sexual. I mean offensively sexual! For the most part she was not replying the same way but not shutting him down either. However, things like if you dont...I need...I love you...someone else will...

Last night the messages became so offensive I wanted to vomit. She does not know I am monitoring her cell phone at this level. I feel like we have to step in and tell her either she ends the relationship or we will. Everything I read says you can't block her from seeing him or you will make it worse! However, she is very calm and I am not sure that would be her reaction. Just the fact that she stepped back to consider a breakup tells me she may actually welcome this action. I know I could be totally wrong on this though.

Her last communication of the night was that she had decided to stay together and apologized for making him go elsewhere for his touching needs. This is the part that I am most upset about. That she apologized for him cheating on her.

Do we talk to her in generalities hoping to help guide her to the right decision or do we step in and let her know we have seen the messages, tell her the relationship is over, contact his parents and share the emails and ask them to support our wishes? (which I believe they would do.)

I cant even come close to figuring out the right thing to do here.

lubeybooby Wed 20-Feb-13 20:35:34

Why are you ashamed of a 16 year old for having sex? wtf?

Why are you interfering in her life and controlling her so much?

She is 16. fgs.

The stuff with the messaging is bad but wouldn't it be better to support her and try and encourage her self esteem and healthy relationships than acting like a dictator?

Please don't tell her you've read her messages. It will damage your relationship, perhaps permanently. Ditto telling his parents. I get that the boy is only 15, but I think you're overreacting hugely (and, yes, I would say the same if the roles were reversed). Your daughter is 16, and old enough to leave home and get married. She's having protected sex. What is the big deal?

harbinger Wed 20-Feb-13 20:39:36

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

It's never nice when a parent discovers their child is sexually active(whether they are 16 or 26!), it's like when you used to think about your parents having sex (ick) but I really think you need to calm down. She sounds sensible, is 16, and has been using protection.

GrumpyKat Wed 20-Feb-13 20:41:44

Um. She's 16 and you don't have the right to dictate who she sleeps with/has a relationship with.
I think you need to start by evaluating why you feel it is necessary to control her. She's a young adult and you need to offer her support and acceptance, not anger and sanctions.
Carefully does it, your actions now will shape your relationship with your daughter for the rest of her adult life so don't push her away from you.

lauriedriver Wed 20-Feb-13 20:41:54

No good will ever come from snooping on your teenagers PRIVATE life. Like agent said she is old enough to leave home & old enough to have sex. You should be proud of the fact she's having safe sex

ThePathanKhansAmnesiac Wed 20-Feb-13 20:41:56

Counter, had you hoped she would discuss having a more involved relationship with you first?

I don,t understand why you are ashamed of her. She sounds like a resonsible young woman to me.
Please don,t make sex something dirty or shameful for her.

Are you religious? Because I can think of no other reason to react the way you have? confused She's done nothing wrong! She's even used condoms FFS, she sounds quite sensible actually. Jeez when I was 16 I'd moved out and was living with my boyfriend (now DH) and there was nothing my parents could do about it! Be careful, or you'll push her away completely.

Hattifattner Wed 20-Feb-13 20:43:29

WHile I get that you are upset, you've crossed the line.

Maybe your child is being controlled by this boy because she is so used to being controlled at home? Because you do sound very controlling.

Maybe what you need to do is build her self esteem a little and help her see that this boy is not the B-all and end-all. Help her understand that a healthy relationship is built on trust and mutual respect.

Start at home. STop monitoring her phone and reading her private correspondence.

ThePathanKhansAmnesiac Wed 20-Feb-13 20:44:51

As for her apologising to bf, maybe a talk about self esteem and sexual equality would be a good place to start.

Musomathsci Wed 20-Feb-13 20:45:00

If you tell her you have read all these messages, she is likely to take it pretty badly and be much more secretive in future. I would continue to talk to her in general terms, but do give her some time and space - let her know that you are there for her to talk when she wants to, but don't keep bringing it up, or you will drive her further away.

usualsuspect Wed 20-Feb-13 20:45:29

She is 16,stop bloody snooping in her private emails for a start.

ThePathanKhansAmnesiac Wed 20-Feb-13 20:45:55

Sorry xpost hatti.

I would try and get your daughter some help as she sounds like she is in an abusive relationship.

florry88 Wed 20-Feb-13 20:47:34

I understand sort of where you are coming from, but growing up is about making mistakes , thats how we learn.

I think you risk any relationship with your daugter if you tell her, she will work it out on her own , if he is no good.

I get it must be very difficult to see your daughter going through this but I firmly believe taking a step back is the way forward. many hugs

NicholasTeakozy Wed 20-Feb-13 20:48:25

The only thing your daughter has done wrong is agree to remain in a relationship with a boy who sounds fucking vile. She's 16 and therefore old enough. My DD2 had a bf who tried to keep her with vile messages, it was reading MN that helped me give her advice to keep him at bay, so thank you MN.

I suggest you talk to her about abusive relationships and don't be ashamed of her.

Umlauf Wed 20-Feb-13 20:49:50

Please please don't get involved. 16 is old enough to make her own sexual decisions. She has been honest with you and sensible with contraception. If you try to interfere in her relationship or if she finds out you've been reading her private messages she will feel so betrayed and hurt, and not necessarily safe in her own home. We she will feel betrayed by her boyfriend and her mother. What a horrible, sad thing for a 16 year old to go through.

Let her learn from her own experiences and mistakes as these are so valuable, and be there to support her when she needs it. Never suggest you are ashamed of her for having sex, punishing her for having safe consensual sex at a legal age... she might grow up with a distorted attitude to sex that will shape her whole life.

I know she's your daughter so your decision, but please be very careful.

WishIdbeenatigermum Wed 20-Feb-13 21:00:29

This is a salutary tale. My first reaction would have been the same OP, but in fact it's more important to keep the relationship between you two open. Having sex isn't the end of the world. Being in an abusive relationship and feeling you've disappointed your mum and can't confide in her is a bigger deal.
Be there for her. Don't judge.

perceptionreality Wed 20-Feb-13 21:08:41

I'm sorry to be blunt but your approach to this whole thing is damaging, OP. This is about your issues, if you're honest with yourself and you should not be putting them on your dd.

It is completely normal for a 16 year old to be having sex with her boyfriend and what you should be doing is supporting her and not invading her privacy as you are doing.

You don't like her boyfriend but it's tough - how long do you think you are going to be able to keep on dictating her life, seriously??

doyouwantfrieswiththat Wed 20-Feb-13 21:09:22

I think I would be pissed off that she is apologising to her boyfriend for 'making' him take his needs elsewhere. But he is an immature 15 yr old boy.

Probably best not to let her know the extent to which you've invaded her privacy but he does sound like a parent's nightmare. She sounds like she has a good relationship with you, she's practising safe sex. Perhaps just emphasise her grades, her aspirations, her self esteem so she gets her priorities right.

perceptionreality Wed 20-Feb-13 21:13:26

I feel sorry for the poor girl - she's getting bullied by you on one side and her boyfriend on the other. sad

harbinger Wed 20-Feb-13 21:21:53

You should have amnesia on anything that you have seen.

Be there with big hugs when they break up...... They will.

WhoWhatWhereWhen Wed 20-Feb-13 21:25:22

2 weeks no contact etc, etc, good job at driving them together

GettingObsessive Wed 20-Feb-13 21:39:12

Seriously OP you are going about this all wrong and you need to get a grip.

When my DM put two and two together and made nine "found out" I was sleeping with my boyfriend at 17, she cried for three days. It was all about her. She had me at 20 and has always made it clear she regretted it (and, by implication, resented me). Net result? I started lyingm to her. I also lost a lot of respect for her once I realised how easy it was to not get pregnant and pretty irritated that she thought I was as naive and stupid as she had been.

You will drive her away forever if you are not careful and if you tell her that you have read her messages and let her know how ashamed of her you are hmm she will exclude you from all sorts of aspects of her life.

counter Wed 20-Feb-13 21:43:50

Ok the last time I checked you are not an adult until you are 18 In this country. Also, I pay for her phone, Internet, car, food, house...I do not pay for these services for her to be abused by a sick teen boy. If it were on her dime I agree I would have no say. She has been told she could be monitored from day one and was reminded of this a week ago.

Sorry to disagree but I do think it better for girls to wait a little longer before becoming sexually active. I understand it happens which is why we put her on BC. The punishment was because of the lying.

The issue here is how she is allowing this boy to treat her.

counter Wed 20-Feb-13 21:48:21

They were allowed contact on the phone.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Wed 20-Feb-13 21:49:17

It doesn't matter what you think though, it's her body and her choice. You sound over the top and i agree with the others that all this will do is make her more intent on seeing him.

harbinger Wed 20-Feb-13 21:53:19

counter you are on a forum in the UK where the age of consent is 16.

You sound horribly controlling. In your opinion, you might think it's better for girls to wait. But your daughter didn't. Is this what your upset about?

Have you actually tried talking to her about the way the lad is treating her? Or have you just come down on her like a ton of bricks for no real reason, without discussing anything with her? She's not a child anymore. She's a young lady. Try treating her like one.

Viviennemary Wed 20-Feb-13 21:58:37

Well for a start the boy is underage as he is only 15. I think she is far too young to be thinking about having sex. What a shame this has become the acceptable norm.

usualsuspect Wed 20-Feb-13 21:58:55

She needs to trust you,Do you think controlling her will achieve that?

I went to Church my whole life. I had my first serious boyfriend at her age and eventually we had sex when I was 17. I wasn't sensible and used the withdrawal method as I was too ashamed of it all and embarrassed to go and see a FPC or my GP to go on BC or to buy condoms. I ended up taking a lot of risks at the time because of my parents strong and controlling views. It did cause me to confide in her a lot less. It wasn't helpful.

It must be a shock and you sound very disappointed and angry but you need to take a deep breath and start thinking about the advice on this thread. You will drive her away from you and affect her choices. She may rebel even more. She's the legal age and quite frankly it's only natural for her to want to have sex at her age. You need to balance this all carefully and decide on the way forward.

I'm only 34 but I remember being her age. Do not tell her you've been reading her e-mails.

You sound like an utter loon.

All you are going to do is push her further away and be even more secretive and I don't think anyone would blame her.

EnjoyResponsibly Wed 20-Feb-13 22:03:33

OP I believe you are taking a hammer to crack a walnut here.

She's behaved responsibly thus far, reflecting her values and education. It's unlikely she'll stray too far from these without some sort of external upset that's YOU BTW.

The BF does sound like a fucking shit. I agree with others saying take the tack of abusive relationship = bail as fast as possible and run like the clappers.

Tread carefully and with respect OP. You risk fucking this up in an irretrievably awful way.

You will loose her, it's that simple.

WMDinthekitchen Wed 20-Feb-13 22:27:09

According to the Sexual Offences Act 2003 your daughter (who is of the age of consent) has been sleeping with an underage boy. How would you feel if his parents appeared protesting about that...?

This is clearly very difficult for you but she is 16 and has been having safe sex. My concern would be for his treatment of her but I would not read her emails and if she finds out that you have, you risk alienating her. At what stage are you considering letting her take responsibility rather than helicoptering?

DD was having sex (safe) with her BF at 15y 6m - the issue for me was more that he was lazy and mysogynstic than the fact he was having sex with her. I refrained from nagging her or being overtly critical of him which required nerves of steel. Eventually she saw him for what he was and finished with him when he was fooling around with someone else. She did very well in her exams, is at university and her current BF is lovely.

worley Wed 20-Feb-13 22:32:07

op the issue here is your daughters lifestyle choices not your lifestyle choices. don't project your preferences on to her. the boys issues are for his parents to deal with. the emails may have been offensive to you but not necessarily to your daughter if she wasnt shutting him down straight away. yes she shouldn't be apologising but she has to learn this her self from her own mistakes. and she will learn if you let her before you push her away from her security.

shellyf Wed 20-Feb-13 22:40:31

My main worry would be him being under the age of consent.Sixteen year old males have been placed on sex offenders lists for having sex with their fifteen year old girlfriends.May sound crazy but it is true .I have regular,intensive child protection training and also deliver this training to others.(UK).

VivaLeBeaver Wed 20-Feb-13 22:47:05

You'll drive them together if you react like how you're planning. She'll dump him of her own accord soon enough. Stop snooping on her emails and have a general talk about how she should never put up with shitty blokes.

catlady1 Wed 20-Feb-13 22:47:43

I understand that it's not nice to see your little girl growing up, but seriously, she sounds very mature to me! Apart from the staying with him after he cheated on her thing, but then plenty of adults do that too. She's having protected sex. Do you expect her to never have sex? When would be an acceptable age for her to start?

Having overbearing parents can make you very insecure, so that might be part of the reason she's shown such a lack of self esteem in getting back together with this lad and blaming herself for him cheating. I remember when I was that age (not that long ago), I was the only one out of my group of friends who was ever grounded. I used to hate having to explain to my friends that I couldn't go out because my dad had told me I wasn't allowed to when I was sixteen years old. My friends all had boyfriends and I never did, because I'd inevitably be grounded or have my phone taken off me for something ridiculous at some point, and I'd have been mortified to have to explain it to a boyfriend so I had one night stands instead.

This boy sounds like a waste of space but she needs to make her own mistakes. If you don't let her she might well end up doing silly things just to feel a bit of a sense of independence. Or she might get a job and move out and you won't see her again.

perceptionreality Thu 21-Feb-13 00:55:13

OP, your daughter is nearly an adult. It is not unconditonal parenting to suggest you have the right to run her life just because you pay for her internet and phone etc - my mum had that attitude and I will not be doing it with my daughters. You should not use money to manipulate and control.

I agree with whoever it was who said that you should (kindly) be teaching her about being in an abusive relationship but not putting pressure on her about who she goes out with or judging her for having sex. She is after all, over the age of consent.

Maryz Thu 21-Feb-13 19:36:16

You do realise he is underage don't you?

I just thought I would mention it, because if this was the other way around (16 year old boy with 15 year old girl) you might look on the 15 year old as being the victim".

Have you spoken to her about that?

CheeseStrawWars Thu 21-Feb-13 19:44:35

I would tell her that you are worried about the dynamics of her relationship - don't tell her you snooped - and show her Mme Lindor's blog post on red flags of abusive relationships and tell her you are here for her if she wants to talk about it.

MmeLindor Thu 21-Feb-13 22:37:10

Thanks for linking to my blog, Cheese, and for seeing something that many have missed in their haste to condemn the OP for snooping.

While I don't think that you should have read her messages, I understand that you did it out of concern for your daughter, and I am presuming that there was something that happened before for you to say that you didn't like the boy?

Please ask your daughter to read the blog post that Cheese linked to, and talk to her about relationships.

Tell her that the best answer to any pressure along the lines of 'if you loved me, you would have sex with me, is to respond, 'if you loved me, you wouldn't mind waiting'.

I don't think that you can decide for your daughter when and with whom she has sex, but it is a good idea to help her recognise if the relationship is a healthy one.

Fairylea Thu 21-Feb-13 22:44:44

Oh... because only terrible, awful, stupid girls (not straight a ones) have sex at 16, the age of consent, with their boyfriends, using a condom ?

Wtf.

The boyfriend may be a complete idiot. But she needs to learn this for herself and it sounds like she is - so keep out of it and support as necessary.

The sex issue is separate.

And you shouldn't be "monitoring" her calls etc!! It's so wrong and frankly creepy.

TinyDiamond Fri 22-Feb-13 00:21:32

you sound a bit scary. you need to back off a bit or you'll lose her.

flow4 Sat 23-Feb-13 00:37:29

Counter, your post is very puzzling; I can't work it out at all... You have come down very hard on your DD, yet I can't really be sure why...

On the one hand, it looks like you are punishing her for just having sex - but she is above the legal age of consent, and has used contraception... So she has acted legally and responsibly, and is still keeping up with her studies, so punishing her doesn't make much sense to me; I would have thought in fact that she deserved praise for handling a new situation well... confused

Even more worryingly, some of the things you say imply that you are actually punishing her for being abused (e.g. "I do not pay for these services for her to be abused by a sick teen boy" ). This makes even less sense to me: if you think the relationship she is in is abusive, then surely she needs your help and support, not your condemnation? confused sad Punishment in these circumstances seems inappropriate at best, and actively abusive at worst. You think your DD is being abused, but you are acting as if it is 'her fault'. It reminds me of people who blame girls for getting raped, or say a woman who gets hit must have 'asked for it'.

If your DD is in an abusive relationship, as you fear, punishment is the very last thing that will help her. She needs to gain confidence and learn to identify risks and make decisions for herself. As you describe it, you are taking away her control over her own life choices - and that will make her much more vulnerable to abuse - not just in this relationship, but in her other future relationships too.
You'll find some more information about surviving abuse here .

BookWormery Sat 23-Feb-13 00:44:19

Flow4 sounding very smart.

"If you don't stop being abused I will punish you and cut your phone off!" Think about it OP.

rhondajean Sat 23-Feb-13 00:47:06

Crikey.

Your dd has done nothing wrong at all.

If there is a problem here, its that her confidence and self esteem are low enough to allow her to be manipulated by this boy. Perhaps rather than tear in with how disappointed you are, the conversation is about how proud you are of her for making sensible decisions about using condoms and protecting herself and how she is worth more than staying with a boy just because he threatens her.

And I thought I was a control freak confused

OhMerGerd Sat 23-Feb-13 06:11:15

It's very hard OP. I've got a straight As DD at a similar place. I don't agree that 16 is the right age for the age of consent, I think it should be 18. I am concerned about the impacts of my DD having an early and slightly crappy start to her sexual life and the possibility of a drop in her grades if she gets too distracted. I am not of the give them a box of condoms for their 16th birthday and let them get on with attitude at all. Neither do I think its normal for young children to be having sex, its an extraordinary consequence of this generation growing up in such a highly sexualised world.
But the facts are 16 is the age of consent, it's her life and if you give a 16 year old girl a cause to champion whether it's save the whale or see the boyfriend they're going to go at it with a passion, and you're going to come off the loser.
So I bite my tongue and swallow the bile on occasion. I too monitor her text/email/Facebook... She knows I spot check, but I can't micro manage her life. . My monitoring is to ensure she stays safe ( she is a little naive sometimes) and if I'm honest so that I can have done any wide eyed, manic, chewing a wasp slapped arse reaction faces in private, dealt with my issues be ready to talk calmly and lovingly with her. I can just offer time appropriate wisdoms and prepare myself with the right information for when she inevitably raises something or asks under the guise of asking for a friend. It seems to be working. We talk. She even shares some of my thoughts with the boyfriend and then shares his response or their common thoughts with me. So it's a conversation ongoing rather than a series of crisis and flare ups.
My advice, take a step back, apologise for hasty response, I'd say it was a shock but you've had time to reflect, share the info given by other posters and try to be more of a trusted guide through this exciting but confusing and slightly scary time in her life.
Basically Just be how you were When she left for her first residential school trip. Be happy for her that shes fit, well and able to participate in the next natural step towards independence. Make sure she's got everything she needs, knows how to keep safe and contact you if she needs help or just a chat, pack her off with a big happy face to give her confidence as she nervously takes the next step in life and then when you've waved the coach off go home cry and have a big glass of wine.

CheerfulYank Sat 23-Feb-13 07:00:04

I'm with you OhMerGerd. And I like your name smile

BranchingOut Sat 23-Feb-13 07:02:17

My parents were very strict and took the 'shame' approach to sex. So it was very easy for me to fall into a semi-abusive relationship as my first experience, (although we did not have full intercourse).

Not great.

BranchingOut Sat 23-Feb-13 07:06:24

The other side effects of this were that I did not report two encounters with possible sexual predators, because I knew what my parents' reactions would be - a man who tried to persuade me into his car and an employee at my work experience office who came onto me when I was aged 14.

So by being like this you are potentially making your daughter more vulnerable, in my view.

OhMerGerd Sat 23-Feb-13 09:38:48

Thanks Cheerful... Re name: - ohmergerd is a lifestage defined as the period between which your DD is 14 to 18. You have your newborns your toddlers your tweenies and your Ohmergerds! They shriek it at the start of every conversation with their peers and you're feeling it (ohmergerdish) pretty much all of the time in anticipation of the next teen drama.

KeatsiePie Sat 23-Feb-13 10:32:23

I get your problem with the boyfriend, he sounds awful, and that's a serious problem.

But you also said "The punishment was because of the lying." So if she'd told you right before or right after she became sexually active, you would have been supportive (until you found out the boyfriend was bad news, of course)? You'd have arranged for her to have birth control options and talked with her about defending her boundaries in case she ever felt pressured and all that? And if you'd say yes to those questions, did she know that? I mean, did she know that there was an actual rule that she had to come to you right before or right after the first time, or something like that?

I'm asking b/c I think you're moving the goalposts a bit, and if I'm right about that then she may be finding it frustrating, which won't help you. It doesn't really sound to me like the punishment is b/c of the lying. It sounds to me like you're telling her/yourself that, but really, the punishment is b/c of the sex.

Tbf. I also genuinely think 16 is too young, but it does have to be her decision, and I'm afraid you can't keep her from doing it without doing an awful lot of damage. And she needs to feel like she can talk to you without fear of repercussions, so that you can help her get out of this relationship.

flow4 Sat 23-Feb-13 10:40:57

It's very interesting to hear your explanation OhMer, because basically I was that 16 year old, and my mother's reaction was (more or less) yours... smile

For me, my first two relationships (9 months at 16 and 16 months at 17) were my escape from an unpleasant home life. It wasn't abusive, but my parents were unhappy and angry and ill. My boyfriends' family homes were much nice places to spend time than my own home.

I was also an A student, and sex was indeed a distraction, and I got lower grades than I was predicted at 'O' and 'A' level. However, it's hard to know how much the sex was to blame, because my parents' behaviour and my home life itself were also 'distractions' - perhaps I would still have got lower grades without boyfriends - and I would certainly have been unhappier.

Long term the lower grades did not matter at all : university made me a low offer because they recognised my potential, I got a very good degree, went on to gain the post-grad qualifications I wanted, taught and researched in universities, and have worked professionally all my life.

What worries me most about the OP is that very often (IMO) teenagers' early relationships are shaped by their parents' attitudes (we have more influence on their beliefs and attitudes than we think!). So, although my mother did not like the fact that I was having sex 'so young' and worried about my 'reputation', my parents did not think sex itself was 'shameful', and I had a good relationship with my father, and lots of positive messages about loving relationships... And as a result (I believe) my early relationships were positive: I picked 'nice' boys and had good experiences.

On the other hand, a teenager who is told sex is shameful and bad, and who is punished for doing it, is much more likely to pick partners who are going to fit with this belief - people who will treat them badly (as they expect) and abuse them (as they think they deserve). sad It is terribly sad, and potentially risky.

That's why (IMO) OhMer's tactic of doing the "wide eyed, manic, chewing a wasp slapped arse reaction faces in private" and dealing "with my issues be ready to talk calmly and lovingly with her" is really wise (not just about sex; about anything and everything)... So that whatever negative attitudes we have ourselves inherited from our parents, we can take a deep breath and try and pass on positive and enabling attitudes and beliefs to our own children.

If she finds out how much your monitoring her shes going to have serious issues with paranoia for the rest of her life!
You're there to help her, guide her and support her not dictate her life, stalk her every move and control her.
It's not her behaviour that is worrying here! I'm deeply disturbed by your behaviour, OP

flow4 Sat 23-Feb-13 10:57:42

Oh, and I have to disagree with the view that 16 is young to be having sex... It's difficult because of course what is really 'old enough' depends on physical and emotional development, not chronological age. Across the world, age of consent varies from 'puberty' to 21... But even within Europe, most countries have lower age of consent than the UK ( Wiki info and map ) - 15 in France, 14 in Germany and 13 in Spain, for instance. And historically, once countries started making laws, most have set the age of consent around 10-12, and girls could be legally married below the age of consent. sad shock ( Wiki info )

SmileAndPeopleSmileWithYou Sat 23-Feb-13 11:08:00

Its been a while since I've seen a post where everyone agrees with each other.

People have phrased it in different ways and given you some great advice.
Doesn't the fact that everyone has explained how it is not right to spy on your DD and control her in this way made you think?

Even the post from OhMerGerd who says she does keep track of her DD on fb etc states that it is done in an open and honest way to keep her safe!

16 year olds need to learn from their own mistakes and bad judgement.
Have you never made mistakes in your choice of BF? Did you expect someone to wrap you in cotton wool and stop it all from happening? Would it have stopped you?

You are setting yourself up for a bad relationship with your DD and controlling issues. Are you going to suddenly stop interfering when she pays for herself? I think not...

funnymummy9 Mon 25-Feb-13 18:04:52

Dude?! By forcing them to not see each other! You're basically asking for her to have sex!

And she's 16! It's legal. It's more common than you might think. In fact, at my school, girls were starting to have sex about 13/14.

All you can do is encourage her to have safe sex, offer to buy her the condoms, or if she's on birth control, make sure she takes them every morning.

muddytiger Sat 09-Nov-13 18:55:10

Dear counter i found this way late wish i could have been there to support you at the time
Most of the ppl who posted are products of the new morality "if it feels good do it"
When we look around the world this is the attitude responsible for the sexualization of children, pornography, human trafficking...
I think you are right to have values and morals and to instill and enforce them in your child
when you said you were ashamed, i suspect you meant broken hearted for her and for yourself which is fine
it sounds like you love her
if more parents weren't trying to be friends with their children and make sure their children like them they would be checking face book, texts, the modern way of watching them and keeping them safe
of course kids will be angry but if your kids think you are cool and fun and agree with them you are not being a parent
when this happened with our 17 year old daughter it was so sad
we reinforced our family values told her she does not have permission to be having sex at our house we don't do sex outside of marriage she does not have permission to use our house or cars
we know we cannot control her feelings or monitor her 24/7 so we will put her on birth control
that she is a princess, a precious girl whom we still delight in and God loves more than the whole universe she is still herself she is not ruined it does not change our love or His one iota a princess should be having sex on beautiful white satin sheets sprinkled with rose
petals with a man who is committed to her for life and would die for her not in the back seat of a car or under bushes at the park with a boy.
we took the same approach with our first daughter and now she calls me her hero i loved her enough to rescue her from herself

Rosencrantz Tue 12-Nov-13 00:58:50

Counter. The way you are treating your daughter is disgusting. I hope she moves out as soon as she possibly can, has as much sex as she wants, and lives a happy, fulfilled life where sex isn't shameful.

BOF Tue 12-Nov-13 01:14:22

I haven't read the whole thread, but after a skim of the first quarter, I'd say that you need to get out of the 'forbidding' zone, and move into the kind advice zone. Good luck.

sparklysilversequins Tue 12-Nov-13 09:38:05

Way to go to give issues regarding sex and shame for the rest of her life OP.

You could be MY mum posting twenty years ago. I was 16 too I purposely waited and was responsible about contraception. My parents read my diary, found out about MY sex life and refused to even look or speak to me for 6 months. I will be honest and say our relationship has never recovered. It set the tone for the rest of our lives.

The fact she is saying she will end it with him reminds me of promising my parents I would never do IT again hmm. How dare you put her in that position. You need to turn this around and quick!

take it from me having safe sex with a boyfriend at 16 is fine, i have two teenagers you cant control things like that, and i dont know why you want to...

LaBuveuse Tue 12-Nov-13 14:48:53

Are you in the US OP?

Blossomflowers Tue 12-Nov-13 17:04:31

Sorry counter you sound like real nut job. So you found out your DD was having safe sex with her bf and you make he feel ashamed and dirty. You should feel ashamed of yourself. I would imagine the first opportunity your daugher get she will be out of there away from controlling clutches. Have you seen the film Carrie beware!

cory Wed 13-Nov-13 13:10:59

muddytiger, have you ever contemplated the thought that other people may well have a morality, just not exactly the same as yours?

not everybody thinks sex between consenting young people above the age of legal consent is a morally bad thing; this does not mean they are not perfectly stringent about things they do regard as morally bad

(incidentally, telling somebody that she is a princess who should have sex on beautiful white satin sheets sprinkled with rose petals seems an odd way of preparing her for the often gritty and demanding business of a Christian marriage: how can somebody with expectations like that ever take a vow which requires her to stick to her husband through poverty and sickness?)

Kerryblue Thu 14-Nov-13 14:23:04

This thread is really old.

Blossomflowers Thu 14-Nov-13 14:53:49

I know noticed that after posting. But wow just wow have you read muddytigers post, holyF.......

madeofkent Sun 17-Nov-13 20:22:50

I just saw this and thought - wow! I was so delighted that my daughter managed to make it through to her 16th birthday before she embarked on a sex life! In this day and age it almost seems odd for a girl not to have had sex by that age. I knew straight away just by the look on her face... {hmm] So we decided to get her to the doctor's where she decided to have the injections rather than the pill. Unfortunately she and I had forgotten that her best friend's mother was the practice nurse and as I sat outside waiting for her I heard a voice I knew saying 'And does your mother know you are here, young lady?' I heard my daughter say that yes, I was just outside but it was obvious that she didn't approve. So we kept quiet about the behaviour of her twin 15 year olds... grin

Reading the OP's and muddytiger's posts makes me feel as if I have gone back 50 years in time.

Tiffany56 Mon 25-Nov-13 18:44:22

.... for all you naive parents out there.... most of my daughter's friends lost their virginity at 14/15!....this is not uncommon and they're all from what everyone would consider to be 'decent family backgrounds'.
teens will have sex if they want to.... all you can do is tell your daughter to always use condoms, be aware of s.t.i.'s, (they're rife amongst teens), don't ever send 'sexy selfies', never lose her self respect.....and that you won't hassle her if she's honest with you.... i tell my kids there's no need to lie about where they are, as i won't hassle them if they're honest; it's safer than them lying and me not knowing where they are.
btw.....sorry to say this but as your daughter's boyfriend is under age, can your daughter be arrested for having unlawful sex with him??
love and support from you is the best for both of you, no matter how this shocks and upsets you. kind regards.

OneStepCloserIWillExterminate Mon 25-Nov-13 18:52:39

I know this is old but muddytigers post just made me laugh a lot bit, what a load of tosh you just wrote muddy.

wakemeupnow Mon 25-Nov-13 21:44:40

Muddytigers' been reading too many mills and Boon grin

I feel sorry for Op's DD. she's being emotionally abused and controlled by her mum and her boyfriend sad

MiniMonty Wed 27-Nov-13 02:13:02

ashamed of her

Oh dear...

You may have to re-imagine and then (if you can't grow up) take a long old time rebuild your relationship with your daughter.

Teenagers. Sex. WOW - who'd have thought of it ? WOT A SHOKA !!!

TimeEnder Sun 29-Jun-14 21:38:29

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TimeEnder Sun 29-Jun-14 21:43:58

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling Sun 29-Jun-14 21:48:15

Ive reported you timeender

Why have you revived a zombie thread just to be abusive?

guineapig1 Sun 29-Jun-14 21:52:21

OP, in the nicest possible way, you need to calm down and get a grip. It is perfectly normal to be sexually active at 16. Having a boyfriend doesn't necessarily mean detracting from being a straight A student but you kicking up a fuss like this is more likely to do so! Your daughter needs support and encouragement and to know that you are behind her 100% no matter what. Fwiw, I was sexually active at 16, still got straight A's all through as did my then boyfriend. We stayed together and married 12 years later. The fact that my family welcomed him with open arms and vice versa has made our lives immeasurably easier.

I've reported to TimeEnder. Had no choice as this was a) so abusive and b) you used the expression "butt hurt ego" which I can only assume indicates that you're 14.

guineapig1 Sun 29-Jun-14 21:53:53

Oops didn't realise that this was an ancient thread!

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