Your Teen wins....

(156 Posts)
TopsyRK Mon 28-Jan-13 17:04:32

Your teen wins as soon as you raise your voice, they are looking for conflict.

Your rules should always be...

Ask first
Tell second
Punish third

Ask them to do something, if no reaction, then tell them, if no reaction punish them, never raise your voice or argue with them as you are the parent.

Trust me not easy but it works

Chris

QOD Mon 28-Jan-13 17:09:30

Umm ok

Have you got teens?

they're evil

MrsPresley Mon 28-Jan-13 17:17:14

Seriously, will that really work?

Why didn't someone tell me that when my eldest became a teen 27 years ago, then her sister, then her brother, could have saved me lot of shouting discussions.

Never mind, fingers crossed, I'll see if it works with the youngest not a hope in hell

PS, it didn't work when I was a teen either grin

threesocksmorgan Mon 28-Jan-13 17:18:32

thanks Chris
that doesn't work by the way

noddyholder Mon 28-Jan-13 17:18:35

If I had followed those rules I would have been toast

TopsyRK Mon 28-Jan-13 17:19:52

Yes had 4 teens and worked with teens for over 16yrs.

(PS in case your wondering no not a troll :-) )

And yes it does work

Chris

Foggles Mon 28-Jan-13 17:20:06

You missed out a line...

and repeat

TopsyRK Mon 28-Jan-13 17:20:56

No never repeat

threesocksmorgan Mon 28-Jan-13 17:23:08

who is Chris?

it doesn't work

Foggles Mon 28-Jan-13 17:27:21

Seriously?

So, after one cycle of ask/tell/punish - your teens always did as they were asked first time?

What kind of punishments did you dole out?

TopsyRK Mon 28-Jan-13 17:33:14

I was saying never repeat yourself say it only once....

Of course you may need to repeat it the next day etc...
Chris

TaggieCampbellBlack Mon 28-Jan-13 17:34:02

You are wrong.

I have only ever had to ask once.

I am perfect as are my teenagers.

Ah well that told us didn't it.

Hullygully Mon 28-Jan-13 17:39:59

I am so glad you were there for me Chris

Foggles Mon 28-Jan-13 17:40:01

I only have to raise my eyebrows.

Hullygully Mon 28-Jan-13 17:41:21

Oh but Chris you don't have any children

How did you come by your precious knowledge?

noddyholder Mon 28-Jan-13 17:42:11

I think any teenager who doesn't rattle your cage isn't doing their job properly and is not preparing for life without you where they will not always want to toe the line and obey rules

Hullygully Mon 28-Jan-13 17:42:18

<mind boggles at ask, tell, punish>

wah hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Go have some teens, Chris old bean, and then come and tell us how that's working out for you

BackforGood Mon 28-Jan-13 17:43:49

Gosh - whoever would have thought it?
So glad you have imparted that drop of wisdom.
Life will be plain sailing for us all now.

QOD Mon 28-Jan-13 17:46:29

Such fun!

noddyholder Mon 28-Jan-13 17:46:44

What about Arse Kick repeat

noddyholder Mon 28-Jan-13 17:47:05

Or wine pour ignore grin which was what I did

Foggles Mon 28-Jan-13 17:49:45

I like wine/pour/ignore grin

My DH's maxim with his teenage daughters would be: Tell first. That's it. (there is no need for any more steps). Amazingly it works.

And no, he has never hit them or punished them (well, not since they were teengares anyway which is the only way I have known them. I think when they were little they may have got sent to their room).

PS I would be on the "wine pour ignore plan" if it had ever been up to me, but given that they have never needed telling twice on anything, I never needed any techniques!

TwllBach Mon 28-Jan-13 17:51:47

<settles in with biscuits>

CuttedUpPear Mon 28-Jan-13 17:54:32

You had four teens?
Really....?
hmm

And what brings you to these pages Chris?

Sparklingbrook Mon 28-Jan-13 17:55:01

Ask first
No reaction-total ban on all electrical gadgets for a week. Sorted.

CuttedUpPear Mon 28-Jan-13 17:55:55

And what would your recommended punishment be?

Foggles Mon 28-Jan-13 17:56:19

But Sparkling if you ban all their gadgets, they come out their rooms and make the lounge look untidy. grin

MissMarplesThong Mon 28-Jan-13 17:56:38

I agree with the not shouting bit as for my DS it either means he zones it out as white noise or he gets upset and ends up in tears. Other than that in my house it is:

tell politely (we are big on politeness)
repeat
repeat
repeat
repeat

DS is not badly behaved but he has the attention span of a fruit fly.

Sparklingbrook Mon 28-Jan-13 17:58:03

Ooh yes Foggles that's a good point. They lie all over my soft furnishings. angry

MrsPresley Mon 28-Jan-13 18:01:13

I would like to know how to punish my teen when he doesn't do as he's asked then told?

I mean, really how do you punish a 19 year old man.

weegiemum Mon 28-Jan-13 18:04:32

Man with no kids

Oh yeah!

TopsyRK Mon 28-Jan-13 20:18:18

I do love the friendly nonjudgemental welcome one gets as a newbie
Lets hope i am not a mystery shopper lol
I will post my CV tomorrow if so requested
Nite nite
Chris

Sparklingbrook Mon 28-Jan-13 20:22:18

confused

QOD Mon 28-Jan-13 20:39:52

I like your first post being so patronising and your profile showing you have no kids ...

iclaudius Mon 28-Jan-13 20:45:06

Mine have all won ... Weeps silently

MuchBrighterNow Mon 28-Jan-13 20:50:48

what's the punishment Op ? ... Do you put the fear of god into them confused

Sparklingbrook Mon 28-Jan-13 20:53:05

Sssshhhhhh!! OP's gone to bed.

Sparklingbrook Mon 28-Jan-13 20:53:42

<arf> at Mystery Shopper on MN though. grin

ThePathanKhansWitch Mon 28-Jan-13 20:56:58

I,ll be in my dotage by the time mine is a teenager.So happy about that Chris.

LynetteScavo Mon 28-Jan-13 21:03:33

Chris, my teen doesn't look for conflict.

Is this some sort of malfunction?

I don't think punishing is the way forward. I prefer to let them learn the consequences of their actions organically.

And I really don't think parenting is about winning and losing. My DC, DH and I are a team.

Sparklingbrook Mon 28-Jan-13 21:10:09

My 11 year old looks for conflict. Does that count?

SaggyOldPregnantCatpuss Mon 28-Jan-13 21:19:35

Har har fucking har!

Mrscupcake23 Mon 28-Jan-13 21:36:29

That's solved then let's ask mumsnet to close the teenage thread.

fackinell Mon 28-Jan-13 21:37:35

My Auntie had fantastic ways of controlling her teenage daughter's tantrums. My favourite: if she acted up in public my auntie would threaten to dance, and did so....in Safeways!! grin Never needed to again though.

Foggles Mon 28-Jan-13 21:39:37

fackinell - I used to threaten to turn up at the school on rollerblades.

grin

fackinell Mon 28-Jan-13 21:48:37

grin Foggles!! Would you have done it?

usualsuspect Mon 28-Jan-13 21:52:50

It's not about winning.I never wanted to win as parent.

usualsuspect Mon 28-Jan-13 21:53:22

As a*

Maryz Mon 28-Jan-13 21:57:40

Gosh, I have obviously made a massive mistake somewhere along the line.

What happens when you:

Ask (them not to go out) first
Response: Fuck off, you can't stop me
Tell (them to go to their room) second
Response: Smash the door off its hinges, punch a hole in the wall and walk out the front door
Punish (take away their phone, maybe?) third
Response: steal your tv and sell it for drug money.

I'm not sure your system would work with ds1 grin

It works wonderfully well with dd and ds2 of course, but then any system would work with them. They mind what I think, and care about being punished. So are easy to parent, with no system at all.

LynetteScavo Mon 28-Jan-13 22:00:24

So how does this punishing thing work then?

I ask teen to tidy bedroom.
I tell teen to tidy bedroom.
I punish. (What sort of punishment would you give?) Genuinely curious. confused

Personally instead of punishing, I just go into their bedroom, hoover up and bin everything I don't like the look of and pocket any money left on the floor.

Chris won't be back. I don't think this is the first thread like this he's started.

DeafLeopard Mon 28-Jan-13 22:10:32

Marking my place to see Chris' CV and response to MaryZs post, as MaryZ is the fount of all teen knowledge IMO

Maryz Mon 28-Jan-13 22:11:59

Oh, was this Chris too, do you suppose?

Maryz Mon 28-Jan-13 22:12:49

[arf] Deaf. I only know how to do it wrong grin. Just don't do what I did (whatever that was) and you'll be fine.

OhMerGerd Tue 29-Jan-13 00:12:33

You know when the DC think you were born yesterday and they cook up one of their wacky stories to try and cover up a misdemeanor or persuade you that everybody else's parents lets their DC drink, have sex, smoke, in the house from aged 13.
This is like one of them...
Mummy's on MN and chris has neen naughty and the hope is that she'll read this and skip over giving him the bollocking deserved...
Backfired. Better luck next time.

CuttedUpPear Tue 29-Jan-13 07:31:40

<rubs hands in anticipation of Chris's CV>
<hopes the pics of the teen dungeon are in hi definition>

So looking forward to DS2 becoming a teen. Not. At the moment it goes like this:

Ask ds to pick up toys.

Tell ds to pick up toys.

Remove ds's gadget as a punishment for not picking up toys.

Chase ds around the house for an hour trying to reclaim my iphone, which he has half-inched as what he sees as 'fair recompense' for me removing his gadget.

grin

MuchBrighterNow Tue 29-Jan-13 08:19:19

Maybe the Op's a master in Intimidation !

TopsyRK Tue 29-Jan-13 11:02:21

Thank you for your responces, which were in the whole expected. The first line of that post is very true, if you shout back at your teen then sorry but they win. That is what they want.

As for the other, reading through I do see that even Maryz agrees they work with two of her children. There is not one answer to cover all teens it is about talking to them and not at them and finding what works for you.

I did see one about being polite, this is great advice a simply please and thank you goes a long way.

Routine is also very important,set meal times, bed times, in the house times etc etc, often if these are set and introduced prior to the teenage years life is much easier.

I was asked why am I here?, fine fair enough question if you now read my profile you will see I have alot of experience to offer, if you want that advice then fine, if not then that is fine too.

However what I witnessed last night seemed to be the usual Troll hunt because a newbie didn't fill out the profile info... or maybe I am mistaken

This was not my first post. that was about sausages, my second was inThe Staffroom and a third was a poem I have written in the Carers thread.

I do hope this goes someway to answering your questions but feel free to ask more as I shall be staying around, but am very busy with schools at them moment.

Chris :-)

flow4 Tue 29-Jan-13 11:06:32

Ask, tell, punish...

Hmmm... Yes... That could work.

I can see it being highly effective, in fact.

You'd never, ever, ever have to ask a teen to do the same thing twice, if the punishment was something like this . hmm

TopsyRK Tue 29-Jan-13 11:10:28

Sorry 'them moment'?
should be the moment, forgot to mention I am also dyslexic

:-)

Astelia Tue 29-Jan-13 11:11:42

I am rapidly taking offence at your patronising tone Chris. Thought you'd come along to MN and tell us all where we are going wrong did you? How kind confused.

You sound like some evangelical bullying religious type. Anyone who has an ounce of sense and wants to build a long term relationship with their teen shouldn't be telling them anything.

You order them about when they are toddlers, by the time they are teens you advise and help. If they ask.

flow4 Tue 29-Jan-13 11:15:57

Oops, cross-post.

No Chris. I have never filled out any profile information, and have never been flamed here. You got the reaction you did because your first post was patronising, judgemental and trite.

Your second one is too.

Anyone can parent an 'easy' teen (like my DS2). But most of us are here because we're trying to parent more 'challenging' teens (like my DS1). Almost all of us have already got the basics, like asking nicely, being polite, not shouting, setting a routine, etc... hmm We're looking for advice and support with more complex situations.

You've done the equivalent of wagging your finger and talking 'Parenting 101' to your own mother and grandmother. Unless you change your tactic, you'll continue to meet a teeny weeny bit of hostility.

MuchBrighterNow Tue 29-Jan-13 11:16:41

Please OP what's your punishment ? <asks quietly>

TopsyRK Tue 29-Jan-13 11:21:03

You sound like some evangelical bullying religious type.

Sorry ROFLMAO you just made my day, so far from the truth it is funny.

TopsyRK Tue 29-Jan-13 11:24:11

MuchBrightNow...the punishment needs to be whatever your child will be effected by most, be it remove phone, internet, grounding, allowance cut or stopped, just whatever you know will get their attention, every child is different, or even just being nice to tham as that confuses the hell out of them.

All I am saying is never get into a slagging match with them because that IS what they want.

flow4 Tue 29-Jan-13 11:28:19

See Brighter, ladies... You need to do whatever works, you silly women... We never thought of that until Chris came along, did we?

MuchBrighterNow Tue 29-Jan-13 11:33:45

biscuit

Lancelottie Tue 29-Jan-13 11:37:23

Am loving the idea of punishing the teenagers by <rum roll> being nice to them.

Yup. Must try that one. 'Behave or... it's Mr Nice Guy!'

Lancelottie Tue 29-Jan-13 11:37:51

Oh sod it.
That would be 'drum roll'. Though rum rolls might be nice too.

Hullygully Tue 29-Jan-13 11:38:40

Chris

YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN DO YOU?

and

YOUR POSTS MAKE YOU SOUND LIKE A PATRONISING MANSPLAINING WANKER

TopsyRK Tue 29-Jan-13 11:39:13

Not nice calling the ladies silly flow4..tut tut

Reading through the older posts time and time again you will come across it ended in a shouting match, or a blazing row, or I got so mad etc etc etc and quite simply all I said was...

... is never get into a slagging match with them because that IS what they want.

It is about remaining calm and thinking with our heads and not emotions, not easy and it does take time, but yes it does work.

MuchBrighterNow Tue 29-Jan-13 11:39:15

Maybe giving them rum rolls would do the trick grin

Lancelottie Tue 29-Jan-13 11:40:11

Anyhoo OP. I have one with autism, one who's angry at something beyond my control, and a slightly deaf one. Here we're more inclined to do:

Remove gadget from ears
Issue one-word command
Then ask nicely, if they are listening.

TopsyRK Tue 29-Jan-13 11:40:23

Hullygully...profile read...and thank you for your lovely friendly comments

Really?

I must have been doing it all wrong when dd was climbing out of her window to meet up with boys at 1am. I should have just asked her not to do it.
And all the other stuff she was doing.

Wow if only you had posted this last year, I could have saved us a whole year of family counselling.

Honestly do you not see how utterly patronising and unhelpful that post is?

Its not about winning is it?

MuchBrighterNow Tue 29-Jan-13 11:42:51

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

MuchBrighterNow Tue 29-Jan-13 11:45:12

oh bugger meant that to be in bold confused

Hullygully Tue 29-Jan-13 11:49:30

The first bit of your profile says you don't have children

I couldn't face the rest, I got the general idea that you are like god.

Can you not see that TELLING rather than engaging and suggesting is going to piss people off?

Can you not see the irony in what you are doing?

Or is it ok because you aren't SHOUTING?

GetOrf Tue 29-Jan-13 11:50:49

I like you Chris.

Tell me some more about those sausages.

<sits quietly>

GetOrf Tue 29-Jan-13 11:52:45

Oh dear.

Don't call us ladies chris.

Because we are fucking well not.

Anyway, you are missing out. It's actually great having a great shouting match with your teen children. Because at some point someone is going to trip over a shoe mid shout and you both end up laughing like drains and forget the purpose of the argument in the first place.

TopsyRK Tue 29-Jan-13 11:53:16

Troll alert? where,

I was once told never ASSUME due to ASS/U/ME

Not a troll never have been never will be, but also I will always reply to any questions asked.

Ask yourself at what stage did this post become...how utterly patronising and unhelpful... was it before or after the wrong troll alert and attacking comments and assumptions which others made?

I have updated my profile, and am willing to answer any other questions you may have, but if in doubt why not report this whole thread or ask admin to step in and deal with it?

LifeofPo Tue 29-Jan-13 11:54:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully Tue 29-Jan-13 11:55:05

I think the very first post about did it.

Just appearing and dictating to people with your manly wisdom is er really going to piss people off.

Sparklingbrook Tue 29-Jan-13 11:55:43

I think he must be a mystery shopper. We are all in a huge load of trouble now. sad

Hullygully Tue 29-Jan-13 11:56:39

Look Chris, I get it, you feel you have a lot to offer, you are desperate to mansplain to us silly shouting ladies.

It's just that we don't want to hear it.

And fwiw, I think "punishing" is for losers.

I have two teenagers and we have never and will never do "punishing"

LifeofPo Tue 29-Jan-13 11:57:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

It became patronising and unhelpful when you post telling people how to parent their children

You may well believe your way is the only way. Like I said, I disagree. But there is no discussion to your post. It reads do as I say or you will lose

Therefore it is idiotic.

HTH

LifeofPo Tue 29-Jan-13 11:58:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

And FWIW, we actually do know about reporting things love, you dont have to helpfully point it out.

rubyrubyruby Tue 29-Jan-13 12:00:23

I prefer to shout my fucking head anthem they DO empty the dishwasher rather than punish them with something and have to do it myself tbh.

Hullygully Tue 29-Jan-13 12:01:35

You're right lifeofpo

must stop ass/u/ming

<boggles at what his dc would say of him...>

CatelynStark Tue 29-Jan-13 12:02:00

If I wanted a man to tell me how to raise my children, I'd still be married grin

Thanks, Chris - I see now I've been doing it all wrong. I never punish my teens as they don't do anything to warrant it <shrugs>

BeckAndCall Tue 29-Jan-13 12:07:59

I fail to see, if you don't have children yourself, how you can possibly know what it's like 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, to be a parent?

And whatever your position of responsibility and authority, Chris, perhaps it's the position that allows you to command the respect of teenagers and not your style itself?

shine0ncrazydiamond Tue 29-Jan-13 12:08:17

grin

Chris, my teen doesn't 'win' as soon as I raise my voice. She shits herself and does what I have told her to do. I also tend to tell her politely as opposed to creeping round her 'asking' nicely.

But thank you for your thoughts.

shine0ncrazydiamond Tue 29-Jan-13 12:10:29

I think the problem , Chris, is that your tone is rather irritating and you present your opinions as facts.

Astelia Tue 29-Jan-13 12:20:29

IME they are likely to avoid a slanging match by having tea at a friend's house then rushing in and saying they are going to do homework and mustn't be disturbed.

the punishment needs to be whatever your child will be effected by most sic. Why the obsession on punishment? I am not a fan of removing technology or grounding. I have seen no evidence from my teens or friends' teens that it achieves anything except escalating the situation.

TopsyRK Tue 29-Jan-13 12:29:32

Setting record straight...
Married twice, 4 daughters (twins included) 1 stepson (hate that label)

See children, well adults now but act like children

Actually I think this needs to be on national telly! Stop being meany weany to poor Chris.

Oh crap I forgot to ask first.

TopsyRK Tue 29-Jan-13 12:44:39

ROFL @ TheOneWithTheHair maybe on JK?

threesocksmorgan Tue 29-Jan-13 12:45:35

by the way op you do realise that teenagers are all different, what works for one, might not work for another.
I think it is best to treat them as people, not "teens"

TopsyRK Tue 29-Jan-13 12:54:01

You are so right 3 socks, which is what I said on page 3

they are different ...As for the other, reading through I do see that even Maryz agrees they work with two of her children. There is not one answer to cover all teens it is about talking to them and not at them and finding what works for you.

Treating them as people and not "teens" is a great step and good advice

QOD Tue 29-Jan-13 12:56:34

Er

Ok

rubyrubyruby Tue 29-Jan-13 12:56:44

Chris - I do get what you're saying but it depends how you raise your children.

I have 3 teens (and 1 older) and we are a family. There is no 'winner' we cohabit as equals. I would not treat my teens as you suggest because I wouldn't treat my DH like that.
Sometimes I shout and get angry, as do they, it doesn't mean anyone has won because it's not a competition. I'm sure they don't see it as winning they just think they have pissed me off.

Oh no not JK. He likes to shout.

I was thinking serious documentary maybe hosted by Robert Winston. Then he can make an hmm face at the end.

Seriously though, in my experience with my first teen I found that respecting him as a young adult worked at times and as a 4yo at others seemed to do the trick. Sometimes they like you to shout as it reaffirms the boundaries they need to feel safe. I do not expect to be able to repeat this with dd and ds2 as they are different people.

Also I would never be arrogant enough to tell other people I have the answer!

TopsyRK Tue 29-Jan-13 13:15:50

No not TV done that for a sex ed program they followed me around with a camera for a day, it put pounds on me.

GetOrf Tue 29-Jan-13 13:23:20

I agree that punishment is a load of old rubbish. I don't want a relationship like that with my dd, that if she doesn't do x mum will punish her.

Rather that everything she does is a series of choices which have consequences.

I am fortunate though that she is a very good kid and is easy to parent.

But I absolutely reserve the right to shout and yell about the fucking missing teaspoons if I wish.

what the actual fuck do they do with teaspoons? and cups?

I have 1 teaspoon. a complete set of knives and forks and 1 tea spoon

Yup teaspoons missing here too. I think ds1 throws them away. confused

noddyholder Tue 29-Jan-13 13:37:24

I have found just talking works and if I want ds to focus on something not done eg homework or bedroom cleaned I turn off modem for an hour. He is 18 now though and much more chilled than at 15/16 when I employed the wine/pour/ignore on many occasions. They are all different though

noddyholder Tue 29-Jan-13 13:38:12

Oh yes teaspoons towels glasses all disappear but fruit and the hoover never move

NormaStanleyFletcher Tue 29-Jan-13 13:43:38

Glasses are going missing here at the moment.

strangely

don't know whether it is the teen or the au pair

Though the teen asked me to wake him up 1/2 an hour earlier today "in an attempt to sort out my sleep patterns"

WTF is that all about?

By the way Chris - your posting comes accross as patronising, mansplaining and backtracking of your original post of "this is what you should do ladies, it always works - tadaaaahhhh"

Parsnipcake Tue 29-Jan-13 13:45:53

I don't see the point of punishment, they just think you are a bitch and tweet how hard done by they are. Natural consequences are far more effective, and amusing for the parent. Chris, I'm sure you mean well, but bring directive is rarely an effective strategy - posting like you did ignores the fact that people come online to let off steam as much as anything. Also, to say teens are looking for conflict isn't true IMO. Mainly they just want their own way, and their brain wiring thinks this is perfectly reasonable.

lljkk Tue 29-Jan-13 14:19:37

I would not waste my time on here if I had perfect kids and perfect parenting techniques. I am sure there must be better things to do than pursue the need to commiserate.

flow4 Tue 29-Jan-13 15:00:57

We've asked you politely to change your tone, Chris...

We've told you your attitude stinks...

So I guess now we'll have to punish you.

Consider yourself grounded. grin

Maryz Tue 29-Jan-13 15:42:26

To be fair, Chris, you have missed the entire point of my post which was that your routine would of course work with two of my children, but then so would any routine or no routine at all.

Your routine is of no value whatsoever to someone struggling with a teenager who is unwilling to voluntarily behave, and therefore your patronising simplistic manner of posting (I'm right, if your teens misbehave it is because you are wrong) is a tad annoying.

I didn't see a troll-hunt.

I saw a few posters rather pissed off at being treated like stupid children hmm

OP name change mid thread? confused

Oh it's me not paying attention. That's what happens when someone lectures me.

cory Tue 29-Jan-13 17:51:35

TopsyRK Tue 29-Jan-13 11:53:16

"Ask yourself at what stage did this post become...how utterly patronising and unhelpful... was it before or after the wrong troll alert and attacking comments and assumptions which others made?"

Just seen this thread. With your OP.

OPs who come on here and tell us what to do uninvited, without knowing anything about our circumstances, do tend to get a slating: I didn't have to check the other posts to know that that would have been attended to.

LynetteScavo Tue 29-Jan-13 17:53:14

Chris, does this ask, tell, punish, thing work on all children, or just teenagers (between the ages of 13-19)? Would it work on my DH?

You are presuming we all talk at our teens. I don't. Of course I treat my teen as a person. confused I have treated him as a person since the day he was conceived. confused.

Maybe it would work on my younger DC. Except I don't do punishments. I just don't get them. My DSs would never sit on the bottom step. DD loved to. (Although I forgot about her one time, and she peeled the wallpaper off. We had to decorate the entire hall stairs and landing.) I think that was the last time I punished.

I'm learning from this thread that I do have a parenting style. My DC know if I shout, they have gone too far. My DC know if I quietly swear they have gone far too far, and do what ever needs to be done PDQ.

I'm still waiting to find out what punishments Chris suggests. confused

cory Tue 29-Jan-13 17:55:35

And for the record, CAHMS have just been telling me that I need to show dd more of my feelings and not be afraid to shout at her: that our setup of a seemingly unflappable mother who can never get hurt is not healthy for her.

But what would they know? They're only specialists in teen mental health.

LynetteScavo Tue 29-Jan-13 17:57:34

I agree with CAHMS cory I had an unflappable mother.

Which is why I parent differently.

cory Tue 29-Jan-13 18:00:13

I know CAHMS are right, too, Lynette- and I shouted at dd last week to great effect grin

flow4 Tue 29-Jan-13 18:19:04

Lynette, we got Chris's answer before lunch: "the punishment needs to be whatever your child will be effected by most, be it remove phone, internet, grounding, allowance cut or stopped, just whatever you know will get their attention, every child is different, or even just being nice to them as that confuses the hell out of them." hmm

cory Tue 29-Jan-13 18:29:12

So could you perhaps tell me a suitable punishment for suicide attempts, Chris, as that seems to be the behaviour we are having trouble with?

Toomuchtea Tue 29-Jan-13 18:51:40

Cory I am sorry you're having such a terrible time. Hang on and hope through the roller coaster was what it was like for us. And Prozac. Not sure where Prozac fits in to Ask Tell Punish though. Because Punish is really going to work with a child who's in utter despair.

Chris, you were just lucky. Yes, you had four, but you were lucky each time. Or maybe you're just an amazing parent.

I, however, am not. I am particularly crap for some reason when mine reach 17.

LynetteScavo Tue 29-Jan-13 19:03:19

Ah, OK, thanks, flow.

Shouting is the thing that really upsets DS. It's a fucking massive punishment for him. He really hates it.

He couldn't care less about his phone (it's a tool I need him to have, and he needed it today to contact me when the bus broke down). He doesn't go out with friends, so I can't really ground him. If I did say he couldn't go out, and he thought I was being unreasonable, he would just go anyway. hmm If I blocked internet access he would watch a DVD, and not really care. He earns pocket money, so can't exactly cut it (see what I'm doing here, Chris; reinforcing the positive rather than the negative)

I am always nice to my children. It's my job as a mother. That wouldn't confuse them. confused (It was my decision to bring them into this world, not theirs, so I'm hardly going to be horrible to them.)

I can kind of see this working on my 9yo, though. The punishment would be to not let him have any pudding.

" (1)DS2, stop jumping from the sofa to the coffee table please.

(2)STOP Jumping on the furniture!

(3 - my style) DS2, I told you to stop jumping on the furniture. You now have a massive bruise on your shin because you mis-judged the distance to the coffee table.
or
(3 - Chris' style) You shall have no pudding."

Think I'll stick with my style for now. I bet Chris is a "hit them where it hurts" sort of parent.

LynetteScavo Tue 29-Jan-13 19:04:51

cory sorry you are all having such a tough time. sad

Hope you get the support you all want/need. x

flow4 Tue 29-Jan-13 19:38:45

Chris, I have just read your rather beautiful, lonely and poignant post in Carers ...

You understand what it is to love, and to care, and to have little or no support, and to struggle to do the right thing, and to want to fix things for your loved one even though you can't, and to keep on and on trying, and failing, way past the point where things become impossible...

You would do well to bring that understanding and compassion and humility here, instead of your finger-wagging condescension; because the feelings and experiences you are struggling with as a carer are largely the same as the ones we are struggling with as parents of teens.

Ask yourself how you would have felt if someone had come along on Carers and said "Ah, Chris, what you need to do is get some routine into your caring - just stick to your guns and tell her what she needs to do. And if she won't do it, well then, show her some tough love, she'll soon learn..."

That would have been pretty offensive, wouldn't it?

It was here, too.

.

Perhaps you could start again..? If your posts here could be more like that one you made in Carers, we'll get along fine. smile

Toomuchtea Wed 30-Jan-13 09:06:03

I've just read that post. Flow, I think you are wonderful. I completely agree with what you say, and Chris, I am sorry for what you are going through.

TopsyRK Wed 30-Jan-13 11:47:08

ONE THOUSAND MILLION APOLGIES!!!!

I have just re-read through what I wrote and can not say sorry enough, the line 'the rules should be' should have read 'you may want to try'.

Whether I was having a dyslexic moment, which I am, I was reading what I thought I had written, it was only last night during a sexual health training session I noticed I had written around pregnancy testing and urine samples...'you may want tor try' using a clean container and a mid-stream sample from the first passing of urine in the morning.

I was working on this workshop when I was writing the post and must have cross written on both. I am so sorry for any offence caused, I would never presume to tell people what to do that is just not me.

Once again women have been proved right, men cannot multi-task...I really really am sorry.

Chris

PS I should have noticed as I also wrote carering on the same day inthe carers thread.

I shall now bend over and wait for the slaps.

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 11:54:24

That's still not it, Chris.

We are all equals on here, you may feel you have reams of expertise to share and be desperate to give advice, but you have to earn your stripes.

You have to start by joining in as an ordinary person, and hope that eventually someone ASKS you for advice and perhaps you might find a place for yourself

TopsyRK Wed 30-Jan-13 12:51:14

Hmm ok Hully, I have just read the rules and guidelines for Talk but found nothing about earning stripes etc... or about waiting to be asked?

I did find bits about being openly called a troll etc but that was it, I have explained and made an apology which you can either accept or not, that is up to you, but I am very sorry I will not be sitting back earning stripes when I may have some advice that would help somebody in need.

I am well aware that on many forum sites old hands are formed etc, but to say somebody new cannot basically offer advice unless asked...sorry not happening.

Chris

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 12:53:51

good luck with that then

noddyholder Wed 30-Jan-13 12:54:43

grin hully!

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 12:57:05

This is my last attempt...

It's not about written RULES and LAWS

It's about how this place works, it is more of a co-operative and the ways of operating that have developed over time are held dearly by its members. As in RL, many "rules" and conventions are unspoken, they are about tone and attitude. Would you march into a RL arena, a playground or a pub and start giving people unasked for advice? We call that Mansplaining, it is very much a male trait and not something we like.

However, I expect you'll ignore this and be surprised when you continue to put people's backs up...

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 12:58:08

We don't sign our names either.

Another peice of advice for you to ignore is to actually hang out a bit and see how things are done, try and fit in. I expect that's a bit boring for you, you're just bursting to tell people what to do.

oh well.

chris I don't think that's what hully meant.

IMO the point is, it is slightly....I don't know, patronizing is the word that springs to mind to start a thread basically telling people how to parent their teens.
There are many threads on here asking for help and support with specific problems people may be having with their children asking for advice and I think your post would have been a lot better on a thread asking for help, rather than starting a thread telling everyone what you think we should all be doing.

We don't all have the same teenagers, I have 2 that as as different as night and day.
So if I need advice I post about a specific problem and people offer their experiences, whether they have been on mumsnet for 10 minutes or 10 years is irelevant, any advice great fully recieved.

Your thread appears to be aimed at all of us, disregarding the fact that some of us parent very differently but still have "good" children as a result.

Sparklingbrook Wed 30-Jan-13 13:00:05

I agree with Hully. It's just not the way it works on MN. Plus the OP could have been worded along the lines of 'I have a theory of what may work with disciplining teens, what does everyone think? Maybe. ?

Spectacular xpost with hully

Damn my slow typing. And slow brain.

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 13:00:55

tantrums' advice is good too.

cory Wed 30-Jan-13 14:50:27

Chris, it's not about any special rules for this forum, it's about the normal rules for human intercourse.

You don't join any new group of people you don't know and start preaching at them if you are not there in some sort of official capacity that gives you the role as their teacher.

You start in gently, getting to know people, listening to what they have to say, maybe find out how much they are likely to know or want to know.

I am a lecturer in RL. If I am invited to a party with a load of strangers, I don't get up on a table and deliver a lecture. I join a conversation or ask a question. If I go to a toddler coffee morning I don't start telling the other mums what to do until I have seen some evidence that they want my advice.

This is not about being a bloke, either: most blokes don't behave like that in RL; they couldn't get along in a new workplace or down the pub if they did.

As Hully said earlier, this forum (like so many places where social intercourse takes place) is about equals.

cory Wed 30-Jan-13 14:53:36

And fwiw not all teens want to win. Just been having a major session with dd's CAHMS team and it is pretty obvious to all of us that dd's biggest problem is that she doesn't want to win: she just wants mummy to sail in and take all the fear and pain away.

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 15:17:31

cory, I have seen a couple of posts about your dd, I send you sympathy and love. There is nothing worse than seeing our dc suffering.

TopsyRK Wed 30-Jan-13 15:30:27

BUMP
ONE THOUSAND MILLION APOLGIES!!!!

I have just re-read through what I wrote and can not say sorry enough, the line 'the rules should be' should have read 'you may want to try'.

Whether I was having a dyslexic moment, which I am, I was reading what I thought I had written, it was only last night during a sexual health training session I noticed I had written around pregnancy testing and urine samples...'you may want tor try' using a clean container and a mid-stream sample from the first passing of urine in the morning.

I was working on this workshop when I was writing the post and must have cross written on both. I am so sorry for any offence caused, I would never presume to tell people what to do that is just not me.

Once again women have been proved right, men cannot multi-task...I really really am sorry.

Chris

PS I should have noticed as I also wrote carering on the same day inthe carers thread.

I shall now bend over and wait for the slaps.

Now this is what I posted earlier but have since been told...

"We are all equals on here, you may feel you have reams of expertise to share and be desperate to give advice, but you have to earn your stripes.

You have to start by joining in as an ordinary person, and hope that eventually someone ASKS you for advice..."

I have never put myself above anybody, plus as an equal do I not have the same rights as others to start a post or offer advice?

Chris. (I always use my real name so others know I am a real person, it makes it more personal)

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 15:31:57

wall

head

bangs

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 15:32:45

water

horse

won't drink

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 15:33:18

good luck topsy/chris

TopsyRK Wed 30-Jan-13 15:37:11

Thank you, dont worry I do know what you are trying to say...

Just we have different views is all

cory Wed 30-Jan-13 15:40:34

Thanks, Hully and Lynette and TooMuchTea for support and sympathy thanks

We are getting support, we are picking ourselves up again. The anti-depressants are helping (and apparently you can take 16 times the dose and survive confused).

But I know very well that I am not the only poster on the teenage forum who has problems way beyond what Chris' facile approach can solve.

cory we are currently waiting for a CAHMS appointment for dd. I hope things progress well with you and you come out the other side.

chris clearly you never will get it. Ever. You don't see that there's a massive difference between offering advice relevant to a particular situation and starting a thread advising us to parent your way.

Good luck. Seriously.

Chris I understand what you were trying to do in your opening post, and I get that you just wanted to tell everyone about your method and were hoping to help.

And I have no doubt that, for a mildly stroppy teenager, your method would work. As would many other methods.

But you can't just turn up here and give us all your wisdom, you really can't. You didn't ask for a debate or a conversation, you just told us what to do. Can you not see that hackles would be raised immediately? Have you heard of the term Mansplaining?

And, there are lots of people in this section with terrible anxieties about their teens - way beyond taking away their xbox because there was a stand-off over homework, and those people, me included, know very well that their child is looking for conflict (thanks very much).

If you want to stick around, hunker down, have a look around, get feel of the place and, if you really have experience with difficult teens, you might become a useful poster. Only don't lecture or presume, because, unlike real life where others might nod politely and ignore , on here you will be told to back off.

Maryz Wed 30-Jan-13 17:59:57

The difficulty Chris (trying to be nice here) is that some of us are dealing with practically impossibly sad situations with our teenagers. And it is difficult to listen to people - and we seem to get a fair few of them on this board - who swan in and say "teenagers are lovely, if yours isn't then you have really screwed up".

We know we have screwed up sad. Unfortunately we are not quite sure where, or how, or why it all went wrong. We are just trying to cope with where we are now.

This is a nice, supportive board 90% of the time grin. The remaining 10% of the time we all gang and frighten away those who say "why don't you ground him?" or "I wouldn't put up with that" or "you reap what you sow" - a particular favourite hmm of mine which I hear a lot in real life.

Today I told ds2 quietly and calmly that I didn't want to be a mother any more, that I was crap at it and was quitting. I then calmly and quietly locked myself into my room and burst into tears.

tattoosarenotallowed Wed 30-Jan-13 18:10:59

What The Actual Fuck?

flow4 Wed 30-Jan-13 21:46:21

I've tried to quit too Maryz, but although I am officially The Worst Mother In The World, neither of my kids will accept my resignation. confused hmm
Sorry you had a bad day. Hope your cry helped. smile >HUG<

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