DD 15, wants to stay over at boyfriend's

(30 Posts)
lissa6 Tue 01-Jan-13 13:36:31

Can anyone offer some advice, I'm an old fashioned mum,and want my DD to be 16 before staying over at her boyfriends. She assures me nothing will happen, and they have been together for 18 months. Also have younger DD who will watch any developments for future use. She is only 3 months off 16, am I being unreasonable to say no?

MrsSham Tue 01-Jan-13 13:44:18

No you are not being unreasonable. I was over 18 and working full time before I was allowed to sleep over at bf house and he was never permitted to sleep at my house.

Longdistance Tue 01-Jan-13 13:47:17

Yanbu to say no.

At least 18 before she can stay over.

ihatethecold Tue 01-Jan-13 17:21:16

please don't let her.
it really is a green light for her.
i was allowed to do this at a young age and i certainly took advantage.
once you have let her do it once its very difficult to say no the next time.

i speak from bitter experience

YANBU - 15 is very young to be allowed to do this. 16 or 18 are perfectly reasonable limits for you to set as a parent while she is living in your house.

If you say yes this time, you will struggle to say no in future, or to her sister, even with boyfriends of much shorter duration, even ones you dislike and don't trust.

It will also be more difficult for her to say no to future boyfriends, as she won't be able to say "Oh mum wouldn't let me do that" if she's been allowed to do it before.

myalias Tue 01-Jan-13 17:33:41

Wait for 3 months until she is 16 - the relationship might well end before then anyway. In the world of relationships things move pretty quick at this age - she won't thank you for it when she is older.

Well it depends what you mean by "staying over"- my DD is 17 but has had her bf staying over ( same one) since she was just 16 and he was 15, but we have rules about where they sleep, own rooms by 11.30 etc and it is the same at his house. I know that they have not yet started a sexual relationship. So it depends on the level of supervision etc

StressedoutMotherofTeens Tue 01-Jan-13 20:38:35

My friend had same issue last night. Bf's family wanted her DD (15) to stay over. She said no and her daughter not forgiven her. I think she did the right thing. I would not allow my DD to stay over until over 16. She's hoping that when she's older she will understand why she wouldn't allow it. She has explained but daughter refuses to listen atm. Yet another trial we face as our children grow older and have boyfriends/girlfriends.

kilmuir Tue 01-Jan-13 20:40:13

No, i have a daughter of similar age and would say NO

OnlyWantsOne Tue 01-Jan-13 20:42:35

Please say no. An explains why. If she wants to be treated like an adult this is a good way to example why things can't always happen

Although - If they want to shag, they will be any way.

TheFallenNinja Tue 01-Jan-13 20:44:02

Not a chance in hell.

chocoluvva Wed 02-Jan-13 21:51:15

I let my DD at exactly the same age.
The relationship lasted for 3 months after that. He broke up with her very suddenly.
Her BF's mum was ridiculously enthusiastic and over involved and undermining of my attempts to be a sensible parent. She claimed to be very confident that nothing would happen hmm.
I didn't want my DD to have sex as an act of rebellion and I knew that she had ample opportunity to anyway. I really don't know if letting her stay over was the trigger for it or whether it would have happened anyway.
Before she started going out with him I'd never have predicted that I'd be so 'permissive' but you can't tell my DD anything. I didn't like the BF or his mum and was trying to do as much 'damage limitation' as I could.
I think only time will tell if I did the right thing. I consider that we have a good relationship but I don't kid myself that she tells me everything.
A lot depends on how important it is to you that your DD doesn't have underage sex and what the consequences of saying no would be.

chocoluvva Wed 02-Jan-13 21:54:07

How often do your DD and her BF get to see each other?
Is there a practical reason for her to stay over?
Do you believe her?

ZZZenAgain Wed 02-Jan-13 21:58:34

do you assume that dd has sex with this boy?

What is the reason she gave for wanting to spend the night at his house?

mrsjay Wed 02-Jan-13 23:17:59

yabu she is a child still, she can stay over when she is older plenty of time for that, fwiw My dd was 17 when she stayed over at her Bfs house,

Staying over doesn't mean sex.
Speak to his mum. When DS1 was 15 his GF stayed over and slept in the spare room. I'm sure I was as anxious as her mother that nothing untoward happened.

PlainoldWitchesTit Thu 03-Jan-13 11:45:52

Tell her no but 3 months isn't long to wait. You will look back without regret if you stick to your guns.

I haven't had the pleasure of a teenaged daughter yet but my eldest ds was not allowed to have his girlfriend over here later than 10pm, by mutual agreement with her parents, until they were both over 16.

They WILL be getting it on, I'd be much happier if its at least legal!

specialsubject Thu 03-Jan-13 14:57:11

they aren't planning a night of elegant conversation. Your house, your rules. She's under the age of consent and if you don't approve, end of.

also make sure she's fully informed about contraception.

GrumpySod Thu 03-Jan-13 15:08:55

hahahhaa. That would be my response if DC asked me, too. that and "Over my Dead body".
I'd grump & grouse even once she was 16, but then I'd probably switch to lecturing & filling her bag with contraception for her rather than trying to outright ban.

SimplyCupcakes Sat 05-Jan-13 16:03:43

oh heck, reading this has made me think we are doing a complete wrong. My ds is 14, his girlfriend the same. Her mum has been very poorly and she doesnt get alot of attention at home, no fault of her mum, but when she is with us we do lots of stuff together even just all walking the dog etc. with her mums consent she has been staying with us regularly at the weekends, in the spare room obviously! My ds is a lovely, open boy, very respectful of us and her, plus the girlfriend is a very un-touchy-feely person (they sit together on the sofa but barely even hold hands!) they just seem to chat all the time, I will walk into his room unanounced at any time if they are up there (which is not often, usually downstairs with us) as they are playing playstation etc and they are a good distance apart, 1 sprawled on the floor, the other sitting on the beanbag chatting and laughing. Should I be worried?? How do I now stop this as we've let it happen before. Her mum is absolutely fine with this, in fact has encouraged her staying here saying it has had a positive effect on her before slightly moody daughter. AAAAAhhhhhhh!

Bonsoir Sat 05-Jan-13 16:08:50

SimplyCupcakes - please don't worry, in the circumstances you describe it sounds as if (a) your DS' GF is better off in your family home than in her own (b) you are very vigilant.

It sounds as if the GF is looking for affection and family life more than for thrilling early sexual experience.

SimplyCupcakes Sat 05-Jan-13 16:14:48

phew! thanks, thats the way its always seemed to me, they are just as happy to spend 'family time' with us downstairs, and dont sneak upstairs, just go up to play on playstation if we're watching or doing something boring!
many thanks Bonsoir.

Bonsoir Sat 05-Jan-13 16:15:57

smile Just carry on. Lots of BF-GF relationships at this age are more about one child needing parenting than about sexual thrills!

SimplyCupcakes Sun 06-Jan-13 18:00:09

thanks all. can i just also say, naive as it may be, i trust my son. x It will happen some day, but not for a while (smile)

AmberLeaf Sun 06-Jan-13 18:16:43

I can understand your concern, but remember sex doesn't only happen at night!

But I agree you will possibly be sending a message if agreement if you say yes.

tinkerbelllisa Sun 06-Jan-13 20:10:30

Hi there

I agree with Amberleaf on the sex doesn't only at happen at night!
But maybe an idea to have that difficult coversation with DD and get it all out in the open
Good luck !
xx

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 06-Jan-13 20:19:10

SimplyCupcakes - it all sounds lovely and I think it's nice and if/when they do get into a sexual relationship it wont be 'just sex' as they really seem to care about each other and frankly for me that's far more important than the date on their birth certificates. I would be concerned though that DS would feel tied into the relationship in a way he wouldn't if she didn't stay so I would discuss this with him.

BlueBowTie Mon 14-Jan-13 15:23:39

Let her as it will increase good relations between you and honestly they probably won't be doing anything new but if you're worried let her stay over but make sure the parents are present.

ConnieM1970 Mon 21-Jan-13 15:15:51

I don't think the age on the birth certificate is as important as how mature they both are. Every parent has to do what they are comfortable with and if you are uncomfortable with it, tell them so. I'd be ok with it but follow your gut.

Jimalfie Tue 22-Jan-13 09:33:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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