It was my Birthday yesterday and 'D'S gave me.......

(35 Posts)
GerardWay Sat 29-Dec-12 22:14:50

Nothing, absolutely nothing. He is 20, has a job and DH and DD (especially) had kept reminding him. I could have cried but didn't as I didn't want to ruin the evening for everyone else.

BlissfullyIgnorant Sat 29-Dec-12 22:18:59

Remember this...when it's his turn and he rolls up for a prezzie tell him you have it a lot of thought, and it's the thought that counts. End of.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Sat 29-Dec-12 22:24:29

Does he have any kind of a reason?

GerardWay Sat 29-Dec-12 22:40:30

No, he has no reason at all. He didn't get his dad (my DH) a present this year until I went up, knocked on his bedroom door and told him to go out and sort a present out. He came back with a packet of Jaffa Cakes and 3 cheap energy drinks. No card so I had to send him out again.

He just thinks of himself!

Tortington Sat 29-Dec-12 22:44:20

id rip him a new arsehole - in fact i have ripped arseholes when my son<s> have done the same thing

thank god for my daughter who whips them into signing a bloody card at least.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Sat 29-Dec-12 23:05:44

Does he expect presents for his birthday? Maybe it's time for a bit of what goes around comes around?

GerardWay Sat 29-Dec-12 23:11:45

I sent him a text today. The short version is - thankyou for nothing! Don't even bother getting me anything now, who the hell do you think organised all your birthday parties (I then included everything involved in his parties). How did we end up with such a selfish son?

He's acting like nothing has happened, not even an apology.

smileyforest Sun 30-Dec-12 22:37:48

Really hurts when our kids forget our Birthdays....son's are 'good' at it. I made sure both my teen sons got gifts for their Dad and GF for Xmas...wish I hadn't bothered.....though my 16y old did give a card with lovely words...which was so for their Dad's B'day coming's in their hands....they have money and are both capable buying a card and present....

gardeningmama Sun 30-Dec-12 23:51:55

Poor you, it was my birthday too yesterday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU smile !!) I can understand how upset you must have felt. My dc are younger, dd 11 and ds15, and so far they have been very generous and thoughtful, I am lucky. But I know how self-centred teens (and older obviously) can be, even if we do try and bring them up to be caring, selfless individuals. I'd be interested to hear what his reaction to your text is. When is his birthday? I agree with hellhasnofury and be tempted to exhibit the same lack of gifting when it's his turn. Easier said than done though. Hope you managed to enjoy your day though. thanks

lastone Mon 31-Dec-12 09:34:10

Hi GerardWay - I so get what this feels like. My son was exactly the same. I remember one christmas where his behaviour resulted in me crying from christmas eve through to boxing day, before I resolved never to let hs behaviour get to me that way again. That year, for new years day, my DH and youngest went on a long walk and had our dinner in a cafe - chicken curry!
Anyway, to give you some hope - this year, aged 22 and having moved out and got a flat, DS came to stay. When he left, and I went upstairs (to the room I had made up, with fairy lights, Tv, etc etc) he had made his bed smile

GerardWay Mon 31-Dec-12 14:03:34

Hi all, he has said nothing regarding the text I sent him. Being the sensible grown up I am I am barely speaking to him.

He didn't forget my birthday. He just couldn't be bothered. I realised yesterday that he didn't get me a Christmas present either. A friend of ours popped round yesterday with our presents and 'D'S said I love presents. I said it's nice when someone makes an effort and he told me to get over it!

Happy Birthday gardeningmama. Apart from that I had a lovely time but it is still playing on my mind. He really could do with moving out, maybe he would appreciate us all then.

His birthday isn't until October and at the moment the general view is that he won't get anything.

DorsetKnobwithJingleBellsOn Mon 31-Dec-12 14:07:12

Don't get him anything.

hadagutsfull Mon 31-Dec-12 14:54:07

No words of wisdom Gerard, sorry, just huge sympathy. I can imagine how you feel & would be hugely hurt too. If his birthday was sooner it would be easier not to get him anything - as he so deserves - but I know I wouldn't be able to do that next October.

It's so thoughtless - I tell my DS I don't care how much something costs, it's the fact that I've been thought of. Some parents don't give a shit yet their children
seem to think more of them!

hadagutsfull Mon 31-Dec-12 15:32:52

No words of wisdom Gerard, sorry, just huge sympathy. I can imagine how you feel & would be hugely hurt too. If his birthday was sooner it would be easier not to get him anything - as he so deserves - but I know I wouldn't be able to do that next October.

It's so thoughtless - I tell my DS I don't care how much something costs, it's the fact that I've been thought of. Some parents don't give a shit yet their children
seem to think more of them!

hadagutsfull Mon 31-Dec-12 15:34:09

Didn't mean to post twice - am using my phone!

gardeningmama Mon 31-Dec-12 19:14:10

Gerard, how much help around the house, both communal and specifically for himself, does your son do? If he is 20, has a job, the issue with your birthday present is perhaps not the real underlying issue. If you can, try and put your disappointment about your present behind you and maybe focus on laying down some general rules about what you expect him to do for himself and to pull his weight for the household he still hopes to be part of. Between you, you could agree how much you are still prepared to do for him, and which tasks you agree he can take on as part of his lodging.

I don't mean to be patronising, I am sure you will have gone through all this already. It just seems that if it is a general attitude thing, and he does seem to have taken you for granted, then perhaps he needs taking back to base!

Good luck smile

GerardWay Mon 31-Dec-12 23:11:59

Hi gardening, he won't help. I have been through his attitude problems on here before (I know you wouldn't have read it). smile Myself and DH are self employed . My DH esp worked all the hours God sent and I helped when I could whilst being a SAHM. Obviously we still work hard now but not as much and he resented that he works more hours than DH. hmm

DH & myself gave time to help at school during Primary School years when we could. We also help the local youth club with things.

He just expects to be given everything but he wasn't brought up that way.

GerardWay Mon 31-Dec-12 23:14:58

Sorry, he resents that he works more hours than DH does now.

slambang Mon 31-Dec-12 23:24:11

Does ds pay rent? Does he have SN? A reason why he finds it difficult to empathise? (ASD? MH problems?) Lingering resentment about childhood issues?

If your dh explained to him quietly that you've been incredibly hurt by his apparent snub, would he care that you were upset?

If he is just genuinely a selfish bastard perhaps it's time he found his own place to live. Then he'd understand a bit about how much he owes you.

My brother is 23. He buys no one anything for birthdays or xmas. He owes my mum and dad over £2000 and they gave him their car this year hmm. My mum does all his washing, buys his food, and if hes in when she is will cook it for him. He eats food they have kept specifically for something and chucks the wrappers under his bed. My mum then goes in to his room everyday and makes his bed and tidies up. He is supposed to pay £30 a week but doesnt. He works full time. Fuck knows where his money goes.

I left home at 17 because I couldnt live with my mum. She was forever on at me to help with housework. I got nothing done for me but I still wasnt good enough.

I used to encourage him to go halfs on a present and sign a card but I got sick of carrying him. Hes just a selfish arsehole.

Anyway, my point is that its nothing you have done. I couldnt be more different to my brother. And I really do sympathise. I know how much it hurts my mum when he fails to mark occassions.

GerardWay Mon 31-Dec-12 23:29:03

Hi gardening, he is an adult. He knows what to do. I have spent 20 years bringing him up and don't think I should continue to teach him the basics that I know he knows. He is a very intelligent, good looking but selfish young man.

I have a DD (15yrs). Same parents, home, lifestyle but she would never act like her brother.

GerardWay Mon 31-Dec-12 23:42:14

Yes he pays rent. Only £150 a month but it gets him to realise about financial responsibility. You wouldn't believe the arguments when he was told that months ago.

ledkr Tue 01-Jan-13 00:03:26

Sorry to say my three boys can be like this every year one of them fucks up with some occasion. I texted them once to say "I have four kids and one Mother's Day card" they are lovely blokes in every way apart from this. My birthday was in October and dh arranged a meal out cos he felt bad for me that they forget. One couldn't come but didn't even text me.
I don't get it. I've had cancer too so you'd think they'd make more effort.
I must admit I was less concerned about their Xmas presents this year which was a bit less pressure.
I have two girls now so hope for better in future.

Seriouslysleepdeprived Tue 01-Jan-13 13:22:14

My DH is like this, always forgetting family birthdays. Never sends a card, rarely manages to organise a present off his own volition.

Lots of people see it as a male trait it seems, esp the card thing. It's unacceptable in IMO.

I do think his up bringing plays a part, in that he's been allowed to get away with it. This attitude extends into other areas of his life too. It's a mindset I think.

He would give me rubbish last minute crap gifts or late presents, no card etc. I shamed him into behaving decently & he shaped up. Still no luck with his family though.

gardeningmama Tue 01-Jan-13 13:38:23

Hi gerard, yes I am sorry I don't know the back story. It seems to me that you are a very deserving mum who has brought up (is bringing up) her dc well and balanced and that, of course, makes this issue with you ds all the more galling and upsetting. It is down to him isn't it? I guess the hard question is that if you don't want that kind of attitude in your home, then he needs to be given an ultimatum to get out. He is perhaps unlikely to understand what the hell you are on about but again, that is for him to come to in his own time. It really isn't a reflection on you. With all due respect to wannabe's mum (and wannabe), you surely don't want to end up supporting that kind of nonsense in the hope that that will earn you the recognition you want from him? I am sure there are others out there with better insight and advise than I can give but wish you well and I'll keep following your progress here!

Happy New Year to all smile.

GerardWay Tue 01-Jan-13 18:17:29

Hi wannabe, my DD is one of the reasons why I am taking a stand or being childish depending on your point of view. I do not want our DD to see 'D'S's behaviour about presents being acceptable when she is 5 years younger and spends ages thinking about other people.

I really feel for you and your parents are being so unfair. sad

timidviper Tue 01-Jan-13 18:26:18

Much as I hate generalisations, I do think this is more a problem with boys. My DS has gone through phases of being a bit self-centred but now he is older he is fantastic and gets really thoughtful gifts for us. DD has never been like that.

I do think you are right to take a stand on it though. I have a brother in his 50s who is appalling ("forgot" to ring 80+ year old mother when ill in hospital and couldn't visit her as he was playing golf!) I maintain that, firstly our parents, then latterly his wife, have allowed him to get away with too much for too long. I'd just fucking kill him

I think gardening makes a good point. My mum probably does pander to my brother in the hope that he will suddenly appreciate her worth. But its never going to happen.

The only way my brother would ever learn is if my parents kicked him out and he had to learn. Maybe then he would figure out how good he has it.

IMHO I think your son is the same. Its easier said than done though. I cant imagine leaving my DDs to fend for themselves. But maybe at some point its necessary ro be cruel to be kind!

Zara1984 Tue 01-Jan-13 19:07:56

Hi OP I'm sorry sad Happy Birthday!

I agree with another poster - the underlying issue seems to be his general laziness. Sorry but I think you need to tell him to move out and start looking after himself. He is 20, he's an adult. As long as he remains under your roof he's always going to have the mindset of a child. IMO people need the character-building that comes with moving out of home to really be able to deal with their parents like adults.

As for the birthday and Mother's Day cards/gifts etc - who really cares if he's pulling his weight about the rest? I do think you have to try be a bit less sensitive about that - in the grand scheme of things it's not really relevant whether he gets you anything. It's the general respect/better attitude you're after, really.

stuffthenonsense Tue 01-Jan-13 19:24:38

I share your birthday too. Happy birthday.
My take on your situation is that he clearly doesn't realise what a good deal he has with you. Stop doing anything for him. At all. If he can't treat you as his mother he should start treating you as his landlady. So make the rent truly reflect market rates.
I appreciate that he us your son, and you love him, but if you had come on here and posted the same thing about your husband you'd have received a multitude of LTBs. At 20 he could be someone's husband and father.

gabyjane Wed 02-Jan-13 08:15:00

Know how you feel dd never bought me one. Still haven't said anything to this day.

GerardWay Sat 05-Jan-13 18:36:45

Well ignoring him worked to a certain extent. I finally got a card and a crappy, covered in glitter bunch of flowers.

specialsubject Sun 06-Jan-13 12:40:09

perhaps it is time to stop birthday presents all round - no-one really needs any of this clutter.

however a card, a good wish, a meal out etc would all have been good. Ignoring birthdays totally is generally not on. I've stopped being bothered about mine but I know other people find theirs important so off go the cards.

ElectricSheep Mon 07-Jan-13 23:47:08

A less than generous/thoughtful token to shut you up then OP?

Well you know what to aim at for his 21st then?

GerardWay Tue 08-Jan-13 19:20:44

Yes, he could have bought me a crappy bunch of flowers actually ON my birthday and didn't.

I love my son dearly but he doesn't appreciate us.

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