Dd's bedroom is REVOLTING. WWYD?

(160 Posts)
TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 10:39:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 17-Dec-12 10:42:07

I would (and have in the past) gone in, bagged it up and thrown it out. If she wants to talk about privacy and respect she needs to respect your right to a clean home. I don't mind if their rooms are untidy, they can be as untidy as they like but I will not tolerate unsanitary conditions in my home.

noddyholder Mon 17-Dec-12 10:42:12

Ditto ds is 18 too. I turn off modem and tv and say do it or I will and you will have no privacy. The rest of the time I shut the door.

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 10:47:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ggirl Mon 17-Dec-12 10:48:34

My dd is the same although not the rotting food bit. She's nearly 21 now though and lives away at uni.
I put up with messy clothes etc all over the floor , just shut the door .
I don't do her laundry , she does it so if she chooses to wash everything on the floor then she does it not me.

I would make her get rid of the rotten food as it's a hygiene issue..can you not just make her do it?

As for the mugs , again ask her to bring all the stuff back down stairs.

It is disgusting but my dd will essentially do as i ask and I would insist on the food ect being cleared up but ignore the other mess and leave her room alone.

If she won't just do as you ask is there any sanction you can impose , do you help pay for anything (mobile , car , clothes?)

ggirl Mon 17-Dec-12 10:50:23

yes remove the modem is a good one
and stop doing her laundry

Fairylea Mon 17-Dec-12 10:52:12

I used to be like your dd. Oops. I am now completely a clean freak as a 32 year old so there is hope!! I once had a cup go so mouldy the mouldy bounced off the sink when I tried to tip it down it. Hmm.

I suggest monetary fines. And refuse to wash any of her clothes. At all. At 18 she can learn to do it herself. I would also Say to her that unless she cleans it properly by next week then everything is going in the bin. And stick to it. Seriously. She turns on the water works because she knows it tugs at your heart strings and you don't mean it.
Mess is one thing, an environmental health hazard is not on. Even if she was a lodger she would have to sort it.

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 10:52:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 17-Dec-12 10:53:09

I'd give her fair warning, usually a couple of days, that if it isn't tidied properly then I'd be going in to do it myself and if I have to do it I just put everything that is on the floor into black sacks and bin it.

I am weeping here TSC. Everything you have mentioned is exactly the same as my dds pigsty bedroom, right down to the manky cups & rotting food.

BUT my dd is only 12 and I had assumed the filthy-phase would be well behind me soon, if your dd is 18 then I have no hope left sad

EmpressOfTheNorthPole Mon 17-Dec-12 10:57:36

DD's only 12 but she's heading the same way.

I'm being realistic. She seems to like living in a mess and I was similar at her age, but there are limits.

Every Thursday evening I check her room, and unless her floor is completely clear - including behind her bed - and all washing up and dirty washing is out, she doesn't get her pocket money. It only had to happen twice.

As ggirl said, are there any sanctions you can use?

Bonsoir Mon 17-Dec-12 11:01:29

You have been giving her far too much freedom to be disgusting! It's your home and you have every right to ensure it is hygienic. Go in there and clean it.

RatherBeOnThePiste Mon 17-Dec-12 11:01:44

If you take the door off, you will be forced to look at it, and it might start escaping.

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 11:02:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonsoir Mon 17-Dec-12 11:02:43

Why oh why does any parent let their child(ren) eat and drink in their bedrooms?

Dsd1is exactly the same. She's a bit younger though - 15. She phoned dp last night to ask if she could have new shoes for Christmas Party tonight. He went round to her mums to see what was needed, to discover that stepdad had said she could have new shoes no problem, if she cleaned her room out. She said she was too busy hmm so he'd said "ok, no shoes" which was when she'd called dp.
To his credit (and in a rare example of effective co-parenting) dp said, "you heard the man, tidy your room". Dsd1 is still claiming to be too busy although nobody else can work out what she's busy doing, so she may well end up at party with no shoes.
<<several pairs of shoes deemed useless languish unloved in the manky bedroom>>
I personally would go with door off hinges until room is done, but I am known for my mean spirit grin

sparkle12mar08 Mon 17-Dec-12 11:09:15

I'd give her three days warning tonight - so that if it's not done by Friday morning you'll black bag the lot. And I'd mean it. But then I'm utterly ruthless with issues like this. By the time I was 18 I'd lost my mother and was living independently outside the family home - she's perfectly capable of looking after herself and it's your responsibility to let her do that.

anameforahouse Mon 17-Dec-12 11:11:58

This was me at 18. Well 16, actually, I'd pretty much left home by 18.

My mum tried withholding any money. It didn't work, I went without for about 5 months till she caved in and started giving me money again. I was very stubborn. I can't imagine what she could have witheld from me to make me do it.

I never learnt how to be tidy, I just moved out eventually, and have been messy ever since. (Better since becoming a mum, but this is an extreme solution, and not one I'm suggesting for your 18yo!)

I can still remember my mum getting upset about presents she'd got for me being all over the place. She must have really laid it on the line, I still feel guilty! But it didn't make me tidy. Just made me feel bad about myself (although I wouldn't have admitted that to my mum!)

IMO you need to be calm but firm. Don't make her feel like shit. You may think she's not depressed, but on some level, she doesn't value herself enough to take care of her environment. She also simply hasn't learnt the habit of tidying. I imagine she is probably not very good at planning her time.

Have a talk with her. Listen to her. Give her a chance to tell you why she thinks her room is so messy. Explain to her - calmly, that things need to change because you need to help her learn how to do it for herself.

Say you're going to have a room amnesty. Say that you want to respect her privacy, but you need to make a plan together to get out of this mess. I think she needs some help with planning. I would suggest setting a time very day (8pm?) when she brings out anything that shouldn't be in there (cups, etc). Then agree a day, once a week, which is her tidying day. For the first few weeks (3 or 4?) maybe do it with her - but, and this is essential, please, don't berate her while you help her. Try to keep the mood positive as much as possible. The point of helping her is to get her into the habit of doing regular cleaning tasks. Explain this to her. The deal is, if she lets you in to help her tidy, then eventually she get her privacy (and allowance?) in return.

After your initial amnesty, keep asking her for cups at 8pm, and expect her to keep her cleaning day up (possibly in return for allowance or something else essential to her?)

Good luck!

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 11:12:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 17-Dec-12 11:13:51

Why are you making her a packed lunch?

Chopsypie Mon 17-Dec-12 11:13:52

I was once the dirty manky teenager.
My mum shut the door when it got bad, and then stopped everything. No washing, no lifts, no food, no money.
She said if I wanted to live like a pig, she was pretending that I didnt live there. I lasted 3 days.

HollyMadison Mon 17-Dec-12 11:15:52

Sounds like doing the whole room would be a massive job and asking her to do everything or writing long lists will probably get emotional. Maybe focus on the food mess and mugs as that affects the rest of the household. Maybe ask her to get the mugs as they are needed, handing her a tray so she can carry them, and say whilst she's doing that can she bring down the food rubbish as otherwise she'll get ants and maybe mice in there. Surely she won't want that!!

I'd stop doing her laundry. When I was that age I'd left home and so had almost all my friends. And why does she throw out her sandwiches? Do you make them? Stop that too. She surely won't throw her lunch if she's had to make it. Maybe live with the clothes and papers. And don't worry about the TV thing. It is a very generous gift but if she can't sort it out she can't enjoy it.

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 11:17:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantasLittleControlGeek Mon 17-Dec-12 11:17:50

You actually own 11 (ELEVEN) cups?? shock How about letting DD choose a cup, and then that is her cup. Likewise, allocate one cup per remaining member of the household and box the rest up for guest use and put out of the way. Then if DD wants a drink, she'll have to bring it down before she can refill it.

Is there any reason why she must take fruit and sandwiches up to her bedroom? Can't you insist all food is eaten downstairs?

Can you try giving her just one task to do, and setting a time limit? Eg 'put all your clothes to be washed in this basket in the next ten minutes please, I'm about to put a load on', 'I'm about to do the bins, will you pass me your rubbish now please'. Perhaps you could make a team effort out of the more tedious stuff - sorting clothes for hanging up etc, instead of making it a battle of wills. 'Come on, I've got 15 minutes, let's see how many shoes we can pair up' kind of thing.

Does she have enough storage space in her room for her things, or are they out because she doesn't really have anywhere to put them? Looking back on my own mess, I just had so much stuff and nowhere to put it. Perhaps a charity sort-out might help?

Speaking as a very slovenly teenager these were things my mum did automatically with me, so she only really had to deal with the untidiness aspect.

MsElleTow Mon 17-Dec-12 11:17:51

I wouldn't and don't tolerate that sort of disgusting mess from my boys (18) and 16 next week. There are allowed to take drinks/food upstairs but the rules are everything, apart from a glass of water, has to be downstairs in the dishwasher before they go to bed!

I do their laundry, and put it in their rooms. Sometimes I put it away because I am a bit of a sap, but they usually do. They don't leave their dirty clothes/pyjamas lying on the floor.

Since they were old enough to hold a duster they have been expected to dust their rooms every weekend. Ditto, Hoover. They, also, have to empty their bins. We don't like them to put food stuff in their bins.

I'm bloody lucky with my kids, DS2 is obsessively tidy and DS1 wants to join the Army so needs to be tidy.

In your shoes, I would tell her that as she can not give a shit about your house and doesn't respect your rules, you don't respect her privacy, for now, and get in there with some bin bags and anti bac spray and bottom it. I'm not being funny, but you have a little DS with bad asthma, all that dust and mould spores aren't really very good for him!

This thread has at least given me a feeling of solidarity with some of yougrin

I honestly thought my dd was the most manky of all the manky girls in the world but that decsription of crusty-knicker-lined-tights made me realise I am not alone!

Bonsoir I don't allow it, but she is a sneaky little bugger at times and sometimes is home alone.

2blessed ha busted big time for your dsd!

I am seriously considering witholding xmas gifts atm. I'll let her have one on xmas morning and then no more if it hasn't been sodding sorted properly before then. I refuse to do it myself anymore and am waaay more stubborn than my filthy first born wink

iclaudius Mon 17-Dec-12 11:19:18

Been there done it - sympathies
I always cleaned it but it didn't stay tgat way - shed have it minging again in days ...... I understand how it messes with your head too .... Lihe two fingers up at you every time you walk past her door ...
I did resort to binning it

poshfrock Mon 17-Dec-12 11:19:24

My DSS is 12 and I can see we are heading down this route although at the moment we don't have the rotting food issue. Last week he was told to tidy his room on Monday. He didn't so I confiscated his Xbox and laptop. on Wednesday the TV and phone went. On Thursday I removed the lightbulb from his room so all he could do in there was sleep. I also refused to wash any clothes not in his laundry bin. On Friday he tidied his room. The next sanction would have been pocket money ( due Saturday). I say confiscate TV and refuse to allow boyfriend to stay. Next stop would be bag it all up and bin it.

ThatBlokesANutter Mon 17-Dec-12 11:20:35

My 14 year old would be similar if i let her.

The answer for me is very simple... I do it myself! I pop in there cheerily every other day with a bin bag and she is told very clearly... if her bedroom is not to my liking i will just merrily bin what I don't like the look of.

Cue many occasions where she cannot find crucial homework/ such and such a top/ her hair band etc... well, if it's in a pile of rubbish on the floor, in the bag it went.

This sort of works. She knows to keep her floor clear etc. I also make her hoover in there twice a week and change her bedding every week.

I can imagine this may be harder at 18.

I was terrible as a teenager. I can clearly remember lying in bed one night and I could hear a funny sound - like bubbling water. I looked under my bed and it was a glass of fresh orange juice from a month or so previous, all fermenting and green.

And another occasion when I opened my cupboard and removed a half eaten plate of dinner.. it had been in there a few months. I'd obviously been half way through it and didnt fancy it so put it in with all my clothes.

Oh and the time my Dad went mental as i had 19 teaspoons and yogurt pots in my room

My family laugh now as i am a neat freak and slightly OCD in how i like thiNGS. so there is hope

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Mon 17-Dec-12 11:20:39

She's 18 and old enough to know better, if she was younger then i'd leave her to it but this is your home and she is a grown adult.
Tell her to clean it up or you will, either that or she needs to find somewhere new to live.

poshfrock Mon 17-Dec-12 11:22:10

And rotting food may not be the worst of it. My DSD ( who no longer lives with us) used to hide used sanitary towels down the back of her bed and in her knicker drawer. I'd go in with gloves if I were you.

SantasLittleControlGeek Mon 17-Dec-12 11:23:58

x posted, just seen your posts about college packed lunches. Perhaps introduce a kitchen pitstop before she can go up to her room? Maybe have a chat with her about why she isn't eating her sandwiches - if all her friends are wanting to eat out, maybe she would prefer to spend her money on that. At least that way you aren't wasting food.

piprabbit Mon 17-Dec-12 11:26:38

I think that having some sort of household agreement might be the way to go, especially if it applies to everyone in the house so your DD isn't being 'unfairly' singled out.

Maybe think very carefully about where you want to draw the lines. IMO it is her choice if she wants to keep her belongings on the floor, yes it's messy and annoying but something you can simply shut the door on. It would be the food waste and crockery that would be huge "no's" for me because that is actually a health and vermin risk.
I'd also stop doing her laundry, if she wants to wear grubby clothes that is her choice but I suspect she will quickly take responsibility for her laundry.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 17-Dec-12 11:28:06

Is she eating lunch with her college mates? If she is you're probably on a hiding to nothing making her pack-ups, if she's like lots of teens she is not going to want to be the one eating sandwiches from home while they devour MaccyD's or whatever they're having.

Theas18 Mon 17-Dec-12 11:28:11

My nearly 17yr old lives in a pit. But at least its a food/rotting food free pit...I often wonder why I don't just chuck his clothes through the open door! It reeks!

Trouble is he is golden otherwise so it's hard to know what to do.

in the past i've just sorted it every 9 months or so having nagged till I'm fed up...

Drinks in bedroom, not food here.

Good news is DD1 had a pretty rancid pit too but her room at uni is soooo tidy!

InExitCelsisDeo Mon 17-Dec-12 11:29:11

18! <faints>

DD is 13 and we have had this for well over a year, and I was hoping by 18 she might have some fucking sense.

Last time I bottomed it I found 11 damp towels, as well as rotting food and mouldy mugs.

It is now so bad that she has moved into the spare room to sleep.

<weeps>

iclaudius Mon 17-Dec-12 11:32:04

My daughter just wore my clothes when I stopped doing her laundry - and this was only when shed put clean ironed stuff in the wash basket as too idle to put it away ....
No other siblings were minging - just her so in our case she was defibitely not singled out ...
Depressing

Charge her rent

An ban all food and drink upstairs . It's tough that she can't study elsewhere but that is a luxury she doesn't have living as an adult in your house

Washing to go to laundrette - if it isn't in the basket with everyone else's. she can be responsible for it at her own cost

Harsh but she is an adult. At her age I had a mortgage and lived with my now DH

Violet77 Mon 17-Dec-12 11:36:14

I was just like that, now have a v clean home :-)

No way will i tolerate that, i think my mum allowed us to be messy for years. In your situation i would be issuing a Deadline for inspection, then go in and have a good clean and tidy.

wordfactory Mon 17-Dec-12 11:37:00

DD (13) is much worse than her brother.

We keep it under control by allowing no food whatsoever upstairs. We have a mouse problem (especially during the harvests) so everyone knows how we need to live in order to keep our friends at bay.

The mess we sort periodically. To be fair DD prefers it when it's tidy so is willing to do it if I help/supervise/take over from time to time.

I have however, given up hope that she will maintain it.

"Not put her clothes back in to her room after washing and bag them up u til she's run out?"

I wouldn't be doing her washing in the first place.

Tell her to bring the cups down and wash them now.

wordfactory Mon 17-Dec-12 11:38:35

OP could you tell a complete lie and say you've seen mice?

Would that push her into at least keeping the food out of her room?

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Mon 17-Dec-12 11:41:42

oh this was me as a teen blush i dont know how my mum coped but she just left me to it and eventually started cleaning it. i had always been a perfectionist, room perfect right up until i hit about 16 and started having a social life, room went to pot for a while then one day i cleaned up and never looked back. i went on to have an imaculate home of my own so there is hope.

FireOverBethlehem Mon 17-Dec-12 11:42:59

"She's obviously not ashamed, her boyfriend stayed over on Saturday night, in the bedroom with the mouldy food/mouldy mugs in"

So stop him coming until the room has been tidied up. He can come in to help her tidy but cannot come into the house as a guest until your DD can show that she's able to keep her room clean enough to receive guests.

Oh, and get a cheap set of mugs all one colour and those are the only ones she can take upstaris. Put them on mug trees and if all mugs aren't accounted for by bedtime, the modem's off next day, Same with the day's washing. You need an initial push to get the room clean, and a way of stopping it creeping back.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Mon 17-Dec-12 11:43:28

eventually I started cleaning it. she went nowhere near it!

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 11:52:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FirstTimeForEverything Mon 17-Dec-12 11:56:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 11:56:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 17-Dec-12 11:57:54

It does pass, honestly it does. Sometimes though with DD, I just had to put my foot down. DD is now 22 and keeps on top of her room for the most part. She still does the clothes thing from time to time but the other stuff has stopped maybe due to me loading it al in black sacks and throwing it out into the garden every now and then taking matters into my own hands from time to time but it has stopped. She even keeps the house clean for me now when she's home and I'm at work. Sometimes shock tactics work. Until they really see how upset we parents are it seems to skim over their heads.

anameforahouse Mon 17-Dec-12 11:59:40

Can't you just say - this is happening. We are calling a room amnesty. Cups down at 8pm, room tidied on Tuesdays. And help her actually do it, at first, so she gets used to it.

What would happen?

FirstTimeForEverything Mon 17-Dec-12 12:00:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anameforahouse Mon 17-Dec-12 12:00:33

Sorry but it doesn't always pass.

I was horrendously messy till I had a DD, at 34!

SantasLittleElfycat Mon 17-Dec-12 12:01:32

I was a bit like this too and am now fairly tidy and getting better all the time. You'd be welcome into my house for a cuppa without me thinking it over anyway.

Maybe do a bit of a flylady thing with her. First day she has to do 1 thing (cups or bin stuff probably) that's it. Then the next day she has to do task 1 again if needed plus task 2, that'll be those 2 jobs done. Day three she just does those 2 things again and day 4 you add one other task. It's hard when you look at the whole room as one job, split it up.Make jobs just 10 minutes to begin with.

You'll need sanctions if she doesn't do her tasks. After all asking her to spend 5 minutes collecting bits from her room is reasonable, her refusal wouldn't be. Fine her, refuse to cook for her, charge her for any tasks you do for her (laundry, cooking etc) until she earns the right by doing her task.

Izzyschangelingisarriving Mon 17-Dec-12 12:03:12

Ive had this problem as well, especially the "privacy thing", I eventually lost it - black bagged EVERYTHING that was not already put away including bedding and threw it outside in the rain, the mouldy drinks in with the clothes, CDs, books, rubbish, everything went in black bags by the bin. We have fortnightly collections and so they had 2 weeks to sort it.

I only allowed one bag at a time back into the house, and dirty clothes had to go into machine.

I even pulled out the wardrobes (another who came across used sanitary towels) because they were full of crap as well.

As I say - I cannot control what they do or where they go, but I can control what is acceptable in my home, under my roof, that they do not in anyway pay for.

I did it because of the hygiene and younger children issue. I refuse to have a room in the house that is unsafe for the smaller DCs.

Roseformeplease Mon 17-Dec-12 12:06:22

You say she had her boyfriend over? Surely, you can ban all guests in the house until her room is tidy - even citing your own shame as a reason. Ditto banning food and drink up there until she learns to return things to the kitchen. Stop making her a packed lunch. She is not eating it.

In our house (country) these kind of things would mean mice in the house.

An extreme measure would be to get in the people who clean up after crimes / house of grime etc. Book an appoinment for them to come round and tell her either she does it or they do and that she will be billed for the amount.

Take her phone away - or stop paying the contract / block the number (not sure if you can do this)

It is about lack of respect for you and your rules. She either living at home and obeying the rules or, at 18, she is on her own.,

Startail Mon 17-Dec-12 12:07:26

Why do parents consider their teens rooms a no go area in the first place?

OK DD is 14, but I wander in and out all the time. I chatter to her, kiss her good night.
Put clothes away, grab socks and plates to wash, open her curtains.
Hunt for what ever she's lost this time.
Borrow her nice crayons and felts.
Steal back my scissors, stapler, string etc.

Every now and then I demand to see all the floor because DH is hoovering.

I refuse to have anything to do with his stupid heavy dyson.

anameforahouse Mon 17-Dec-12 12:10:28

"She either living at home and obeying the rules or, at 18, she is on her own."

That's pretty extreme.

At 18, if I'd have been given this ultimatum, I'd have simply walked out the front door without a second thought. Does the OP actually want her DD to move out? She hasn't said so. She may well want her at home to support her with A-Levels. I would.

I would never threaten my child with chucking them out, personally, not over something like a messy room anyway.

FirstTimeForEverything Mon 17-Dec-12 12:11:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsElleTow Mon 17-Dec-12 12:12:03

You can and must sanction her!

No boyfriend round to stay.
No friends in her room.
No food upstairs.
No more making packed lunches.(make sure you get hold of her birthday money first)
No more doing her laundry.
All cups downstairs by X time.
X day is room cleaning day.
X day is making sure all rubbish is out.
X day is bed changing.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Mon 17-Dec-12 12:15:12

tbh for me the more i was nagged to do something, the less i felt like doing it. it was only when i was left to my own devices when i did it because i felt the decision to was my own rather than following an order. immature, yes, but some teens are at 16/17/18.

OP i would just leave her to her pit. dont do any washing or tidying for her, stop making lunches. it's your house so food and dishes are banned upstairs. she'll soon realise she needs to puta load in the machine and that she cant find the other shoe because her room is such a tip. let her see that her mess only creates problems for her. and yes if you are so embarassed then ban guests to her room until it's cleaned.

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast Mon 17-Dec-12 12:17:41

My DD's room is very untidy but she doesn't eat there or have any food in the room. Perhaps doing the same with your DD might be a simple-ish way for you to feel her room wasn't disgusting
Also I think you have to try to keep up the positive regard and un-conditional love for your children, whether or not you decide to tackle issues such as messy bedrooms. (Yes, I know sounds a bit lentil-weavery but what the heck grin)
DS is much tidier BTW - and wins all the organisation and smartness prizes in this house !
Will be interested to see what others think about eg. going in to collect clothes in need of wash from the floordrobe !

halcyondays Mon 17-Dec-12 12:21:42

I was very messy as a teenager and unfortunately I still am, but I was never really one to have rotting food or mouldy cups in my room. It was mainly just clothes on the floor and general junk. If she is old enough to have a boyfriend staying over, then she's old enough to bring her mugs downstairs.

I'd tolerate the clothes and general mess, but I'd have zero tolerance on rotting food and mouldy cups left to fester. She's entitled to her privacy but that affects the rest of the house as it could encourage mice, will make the whole house smelly and other people need to use the cups. Basically, a lot of teenagers have untidy rooms, which is up to them, but I'd draw the line at anything which is a health hazard or causing inconvenience to anyone else. If she doesn't want you to have to go through everything in order to clean up, then she needs to learn to keep the room halfway hygienic, even if it's not tidy.

Izzyschangelingisarriving Mon 17-Dec-12 12:22:19

Its impossible to stop them taking food in their rooms, they just sneak it in - DCs room stank of alcohol - when I black bagging, I found an apple so rotten, the juice had fermented.

nannyof3 Mon 17-Dec-12 12:23:22

Scream and sob???

Do it, put everything on her bed, remove her door, remove things like the tv, dvd player, computer..
Tell her if she cant tidy after herself then she cant have nice things.

Ur going to have rats if ur not careful

OpheliasWeepingWillow Mon 17-Dec-12 12:32:12

Oh god this was me as a teenager. Once the burglar alarm was set off when my parents were not there. Police said to neighbours who had a key that all looked ok but one room may have been ransacked blush

At college I had to actually move out of my room until I could find source of horrendous smell (carrots under bed)

My mugs had mould AND fag butts in them. Bleeeee.

Nothing worked until I grew up and had a baby.

It's like I have a phobia of clearing up.

Personally I would go hard and heavy - just go in there with bin bags and dettol.
Someone should have intervened with me sooner!

FelicityWasSanta Mon 17-Dec-12 12:32:51

She's an A/A* A level student? This means she CAN reason- she just doesn't want to with you. Sit her down and make her.

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 12:35:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piprabbit Mon 17-Dec-12 12:41:04

Take a look at this parentchannel.tv video on how to handle your teenager's smelly room.

Izzyschangelingisarriving Mon 17-Dec-12 12:43:20

She wont care, its only because the black bags became a reality mine sorts things out.

Its this sense of entitlement they have because we have turned them into spoilt brats they have everything handed to them on a plate so they appreciate nothing.

Screaming and crying wont work.

Begging wont work.

Pleading wont work.

Black bag it all - put it outside and if she brings it back in do the same again.

And again.

That is what works.

What does she do in terms of chores/generally helping out around the house?

bigkidsdidit Mon 17-Dec-12 12:47:01

I was exactly like this blush

I'm now extremely house proud.

Nothing worked for me until I went to university and lived with people I wanted to impress. Sorry.

Still, at least she moves out in nine months!

piprabbit Mon 17-Dec-12 12:48:29

BTW - she should be paying you some sort of rent to help towards household costs...even if you secretly stash it away and give it back to her when she needs a deposit for her own place.

Wilding Mon 17-Dec-12 13:00:44

If you can't sanction her then black bagging and binning the lot (and actually following through on your threat) is the only way to go, surely? Give her a date it has to be tidy by, and stick to it. FWIW, I was an incredibly messy teenager and normally would just say ignore it, but she sounds like a level beyond that and you really don't want to end up with mice.

Oh, and stop making her packed lunches - if she throws them in the bin you're just wasting food anyway.

TalkinPeace2 Mon 17-Dec-12 13:07:14

Your house, your rules.

Today is Monday.
Put a note on her door : "On Thursday I will clear your room of everything that is not put away in its proper place"

Tomorrow "In two days time I will clear your room of EVERYTHING that is not put away in its proper place"

Wednesday "Tomorrow I will CLEAR your room of EVERYTHING that is not in its proper place.

Thursday morning go in with bin bags.
Scoop EVERYTHING up. No triaging, no sorting - mugs and ipod in the same bag.
The whole blerdy lot.
And then lock all of the bags into the shed / boot of car / other out of the way place.
Hoover her floor and put clean sheets on the empty bed in the empty room.

Then hold your ground when the histrionics start.
For at least two hours.
Then make her sort the bags outside in the cold before ANYTHING comes back in to be put away in its proper place.

It works.

sneezecakesmum Mon 17-Dec-12 13:11:25

Just leave it and her alone. Don't wash or cook for her she's an adult she can do it herself. Sooner or later she will get fed up. DO NOT NAG or refer to it in any way. The more you go on the stubborner she will get.

Amazingly when she eventually moves out she will keep her own home pristine....wait and see grin

halcyondays Mon 17-Dec-12 13:13:31

No point making her a packed lunch if she doesn't eat it. She won't care about how much the mortgage and food costs because she probably has no idea how much these cost and she won't appreciate it until she has to start paying towards her living costs herself.

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast Mon 17-Dec-12 13:17:18

Just remember there's more to your relationship with your DD over the last 18 years than this issue. Only 9 months to go - make them as good as you can for both your sakes.

First up - charge her rent. She is 18, an adult, with a job, she needs to pay something (even if it's only £10 a week).

Second - your house, your rules. No cups/dishes upstairs EVER. No guests allowed (esp. overnight) until her floor has been hoovered.

I had to share a room with a VERY messy sister when I was younger. I hated it so much. When I was cleaning the room, I would stick everything I found of hers and put it on her bed. Dirty knickers/pads etc. It was horrible. Wouldn't stop her sleeping in the bed though. My other sister is also like this, but less 'dirty' more just messy, with clothes etc everywhere.

nannyof3 Mon 17-Dec-12 13:23:58

Buy her a cup for Christmas, and tell her if she cant bring it down and wash it up, then she cant use 'ur cups'

Crusty knickers (yuk) confused

Why would u do it if shes going to pay you, again its just her getting out of it... Her siblings are going to turn out the same...

I wouldnt do her packed lunch, washing or anything for that matter....

Ewwconfused

FergusSingsTheBlues Mon 17-Dec-12 13:43:11

I dont understand why people are martyrs to their kids (but what would I know, my son is only two and I know i have a lifetime of this ahead of me).

I make my son tidy up his bedroom every night before bedtime, his father is really messy and there's no way i want two of them like that.
Im a bad tempered bitch thoug, and i would
Ban food
Ban telly
Ban guests

No packed lunches
No washing

Bin anything on the floor, and do it. And if she moves out, so what? Isnt she going soon anyway?

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 13:43:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lljkk Mon 17-Dec-12 13:49:23

No Christmas presents until she sorts it to your minimum standard?

Give her a precise list of what you want her to do.

I certainly wouldn't make her packed lunches any more. My teen would eat no lunch if I didn't make it for now, but he is only 13. At 18 I will let him starve (even if it means I have to deal with his temper tirades, too, sigh).

specialsubject Mon 17-Dec-12 13:53:39

for the sake of everyone who has to live with or near her in future (Been there) take action now. Throw out all rubbish and some of her stuff. Stop feeding her and washing her clothes, she knows where the facilities are. Stop all presents and financial input, and start making her pay her way. No food upstairs as she clearly cannot be trusted.

when she acts like a vaguely decent human then perhaps things can change.

Dollydowser Mon 17-Dec-12 13:54:28

I think I would just go in and clean/tidy while she was out. You have given enough warnings and its not likely that she is going to change anytime soon.

EmpressOfTheNorthPole Mon 17-Dec-12 13:55:05

I'd go with plenty of warning and then the binbags. Even if she's not bothered about the stuff itself, it sounds as if knowing that you've been through all her things will hit home.

Izzyschangelingisarriving Mon 17-Dec-12 13:57:26

And I dont agree with charging a 6th former rent tbh, you are still gettin gCB and TC for them at this point.

I really feel for you - also another thing I do is not dole out lifts/money if I have asked for something to be done - so
"can i have this weeks pocket money"
"when your room is done"
"but I need it"
"when your room is done!

"can I have a lift to ....."
"when your room is done"
"but everyone is waiting"
"hissy fit"
"when your room is done!
"hissy fit"
"I am not having a conversation about this when your room is done"

repeated ad nauseum.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Mon 17-Dec-12 14:07:37

tsc

i have just come here to sympathise and nod.

DS is home for xmas from uni. jeeesus christ he is driving me INSANE. Before he went to uni he actually had every single mug i owned in his room, and instead of bringing them down to wash, he SODDING BINNED MY BONE CHINA CUPS because they were mouldy. angry

now he is home for 2 weeks we are straight back to square one - i popped my head around the door yesterday. i asked him, no, begged him, to bring down his pots before bed.
he didnt.
he woke me up at sodding 4.45 this morning with his nocturnal wanderings....

yet at university, he has a bedsit, with an ensuite bathroom and a kitchen. He lives alone and Its kept well. granted its much bigger than his tiny room at home but it shows he can do it.
and thats why the state his room gets in when he is home pisses me off even more.....

if you find the answer do let me know. I just said to DH today i dont think i could ever live with him again permanently. sad

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 14:12:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder Mon 17-Dec-12 14:15:41

It is annoying but so many teens are like this and most grow up and do not live like that forever! Imagine a time when they are not there and there is no mess and noise and clutter then we will all be moaning at how quiet it is and how we miss them. I still say chuck a bag in switch off all electronica and shut the door

anameforahouse Mon 17-Dec-12 14:20:24

"Tell me how I make a 6ft tall (with options of places to go) tidy her room?"

You tell her that this is going to happen. Tell her that ideally, what you want to do is work with her to get it tidy. You want to help her to do it herself, as you care about her. However it has got to the point where you need to be done because it's a health hazard.

So, set a date. Say next Thursday, you will be available to help tidy her room. She has a choice - you can either do it together, you faithfully promise you won't nag while doing it. Or, if it doesn't happen by Thursday you will have no choice but to black bag everything and take it away.

If she chooses to do it with you - this is essential - you must help without openly judging her. Try to be positive while helping.

If she's unable / unwilling to to do it, then black bag it (and give it back a bag at a time, another one once the first is tidied away).

IMO you need to see this as a skill she hasn't learnt, not just an affront to your rules as some people are suggesting. She needs help and support. Having an ultimatum (taking it all away after Thurs if she hasn't made a decent start) is actually part of helping her IMO.

Make every Thursday (or whatever) your day to help her with this, for a while.

Notmadeofrib Mon 17-Dec-12 14:27:27

I had a bedroom like your DD Op and my mum shut the door. The only thing that ever got removed was mouldy cups. My record was 14.

I am now very tidy. I've tried the no effort route and it's more hassle in the end. She'll grow out of it most probably

FirstTimeForEverything Mon 17-Dec-12 14:27:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Mon 17-Dec-12 14:29:52

I'd shut the door. I regularly do that with 14yo DD's room!

Or throw hand grenades in there. But they are a bit difficult to come by...

DeafLeopard Mon 17-Dec-12 14:30:15

TSC - what does she value? Given that she has lots materially, I'm guessing not that - what about freedom and privacy? Can you tell her you want her to behave like the adult that she is supposed to be and keep her room sanitary - if not, take her door off or take her house key off her?

I like the bag everything up and leave it in shed idea - then if she wants it she has to deal with it.

Would you be willing to get it to what you deem an ok level once and then tell her that she has to keep it that way?

Could be that she feels overwhelmed by the state of it and doesn't know where to start or can't face it? Whereas if you get it to an ok state then she may be able to keep it like that with a lot of nagging

DontmindifIdo Mon 17-Dec-12 14:30:44

When are your bins collected?

So tell her tonight that she's got until tomorrow morning to clear anything she doesn't want thrown as you will be black bagging everything else, tell her you'll help her if she wants, if not yuo'll leave it to her. Then do it. Let her come home from colleage tomorrow to all her clothes, bags, shoes etc anything left out in bin bags outside at your bins. Tell her she can bring things back in if she wants them, but if they are on the floor (or just bags of rubbish carried back in) you'll do the same the next day. She's got a deadline of when the bin men come to get it away.

Take the TV, say when it's all clean and tidy enough to put an ariel in she can have it back.

Stop making her a packed lunch, she's 18, she can make her own.

I'd give her two options. Either, she has a week in which to sort it all out by herself, and if she doesn't you will throw everything away and start from scratch. And you won't be weighing up what's a keepsake.

Or she has the opportunity of your help. Name the day you're free and you'll start at 8.30 on the dot. If you don't feel like she's pulling her weight, you'll walk away immediately and it reverts to option 1.

It's your house. It's not about her being an adult and not treating her like a child - adults have responsibilities and one of them is to keep their houses clean for the sake of their families.

GreatUncleEddie Mon 17-Dec-12 14:42:13

I would go in weekly and take out all the mouldy food, plates, cups etc and out them through a hot wash in the dishwasher. Then I would shut the door and keep it shut so that the little ones don't go in. Laundry in the basket I would wash, unless I thought it hadn't actually been worn in which case i would just fold it, and leave in the laundry room for her to collect. I might open the window while she was at college. That's all. But I'm not a drama llama.

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 14:57:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

specialsubject Mon 17-Dec-12 15:07:06

she's going on a long drunken sex-filled holiday travelling? All the more reason to take action.

quote from hostel owner in NZ: 'I can see EXACTLY why their parents spend a lot of money to send them as far away as possible'.

and sadly it is almost always the British gappies who make you long for the reintroduction of national service.

MsElleTow Mon 17-Dec-12 15:34:42

Bollocks to shutting the door and ignoring it! It is not messy, it is a filthy health hazard! You are going to end up with mice and rats! Be grateful it's not Summer, you'd have an infestation of maggots<boak> I feel sick just writing that!

I'd start first thing tomorrow morning and bag everything up. I would actually sort through it, so the rubbish went and the possessions were bagged up and put in the loft/ shed but I'd not tell her that. Then I'd take the door off. She would have to earn the right to have the door put back in by keeping it clean, not spotless, just not a health hazard. She'd, also, have to earn back her possessions.

noddyholder Mon 17-Dec-12 16:42:25

It is not a health hazard otherwise we would be dead by now

anameforahouse Mon 17-Dec-12 17:25:50

TheSecondComing can you give her at least half an hour warning that you're going to help her?

She may have embarrassing things she wants to move before you invade her space. This could be a source of some of the screaming. Just give her a little notice. Who knows what the embarrassing things might be! Perhaps there might be some really disgusting things she knows you'll be cross about, or a book om a sensitive subject which she's reading she doesn't want anyone to see - or whatever. Teens are easily embarrassed! Half an hour's notice might save you some screaming anyway. Just a thought.

bigTillyMincePie Mon 17-Dec-12 18:55:35

I haven't got an 18yo but I have a DD (13) who is happy to live in a tip. She is also a pretty good student and looks reasonably well-turned-out and is definitely clean (at least one shower a day!)

As I am now working full-time, we have a cleaner once a week and she has to at least clear the floor for her to hoover. She just about manages this the morning before, but by the evening the floor is covered again confused She loves clutter and hoardes stuff like my DM <horror>

I guess it is difficult to change an 18yo - we have strict rules about food only in the kitchen (bar a choc bar!) and regularly nag her about putting clothes in washing, etc. I am always trying to get her to chuck stuff out and have a good tidy up, but she never wants to sad

ImperialBlether Mon 17-Dec-12 20:00:34

I found 15 mugs/glasses in my 23 year old's room last week, so for those of you hoping it ends at 13, you might be a bit optimistic! Also up there was a bag of chips from a night she came home drunk with cold chips and fell asleep before she could eat them.

New clothes and dirty clothes and clothes which have been washed, all in a pile together. Every single bag that's ever held anything - MacDonalds, clothes, shoes, everything, is on the floor. She has so much more than I do and it makes me cry to go up there. It's when things are treated like shit that I get upset.

Another one who's clean and pretty and with lovely hair, make up etc, but with a room that I can't bear to go into.

She's moving out again in January, though, but I still think I won't be able to go into the room.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Mon 17-Dec-12 20:09:15

well i have given my ds fair warning. When he goes back to uni i am ripping the built in furniture out of his room and giving it a revamp and redecorate. he has the xmas hols to save anything he wants - because anything still on the floor is going in a bin bag.

He will then have only a bed and a desk in there. a wardrobe is lost on him and just becomes a dumping ground for rubbish, he prefers the use of the floor for clothes.

im hoping with less furniture it will be easier to keep clean/tidy and my deter him from wanting to live with us until he is 30....

softpaw Mon 17-Dec-12 20:21:53

I had tried everything re.my oldest DD's room. I eventually cracked and put everything she owned,that was piled up on the floor in binbags,and put them in the wheelie bin. Sorted.

Lottieloulou Mon 17-Dec-12 20:29:09

TalkinPeace2 has good ideas

deleted203 Mon 17-Dec-12 20:31:56

I'd hire a skip. And give her 2 days warning. Then I'd be putting everything in bin liners and out in the skip. She would arrive home to find it done.

softpaw Mon 17-Dec-12 20:36:50

I also agree that my DD emerged every morning for school,looking immaculate from the hell hole of her room. There has to be a point,though,when the teen realises she is distressing the rest of us..and setting a bad example for her siblings.

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 20:38:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TalkinPeace2 Mon 17-Dec-12 20:41:11

Lottieloulou
that is because its not my original idea - a friend DID it with her two teenage boys.
Just the once. Never had to again.

My kids are allowed to stuff what they like in the cupboards, so long as I can hoover the floor
and if clean clothes are not put away still folded - or end up back in the laundry not worn - I will not clean them.
Including school uniform.
NO food goes upstairs. End of.

Its not really an issue because the rules have been consistent since they were small.

usualsuspect3 Mon 17-Dec-12 20:41:26

I mostly just shut the door on my DSs shit tip. Every now and again I help him clean it though.

I CBA to stress over his messy room.The only rule is bring your cups and plates down. I wouldn't dream of taking his bedroom door off or chucking his stuff in the bin.

My DDs were pretty messy too, but they have their own houses and are tidier then me now.

Santagotstuckinthechimney Mon 17-Dec-12 20:46:54

Haven't read the replies - but I would bag it all up and hide it - pretending you had thrown it away and she will soon sort it out.

My mum did this to me ( she hung the bags out her bedroom window out the back so I really thought they had gone!)

It worked on me!!

softpaw Mon 17-Dec-12 20:48:03

Secondcoming..where's she gettting all this money from? If it's from you..then stop it all..if she has a job..ask her boss round for tea,and show the boss the bedroom!

amillionyears Mon 17-Dec-12 20:59:30

I disagree with most of the posters.
Yes, dont let her have the bin bags of rotting goodness knows what in her room. Insist that she does not do that.
Otherwise, especially as you know she is leaving home soonish, leave her to it.
If she is anything like mine, mine changed as soon as she moved out.
I asker her why. She said, because she knew that she was going to be the only one to sort it, so it was easier to keep on top of it as she went along!
She has never looked back.

amillionyears Mon 17-Dec-12 21:00:32

fwiw, often the worst ones when younger, are the tidiest when they get their own places.

Izzyschangelingisarriving Mon 17-Dec-12 21:14:33

amillion but how do you tell where the rotting, festering stuff is if the room is a total bomb site?

I tried everything, no food in room, ignored, etc, I found the most disgusting items when I bagged the lot, it was foul.

Plus I refuse to have a room in the house that is completely unsafe for younger DCs.

My older teen has no chores at all, nothing, except keep room okish, I don't think that is too much to ask in return for substantial pocket money, frequent lifts, open house policy re friends, etc.

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 21:28:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amillionyears Mon 17-Dec-12 21:41:48

TSC. She is being very responsible in what you have just listed.
So, I am pretty sure the light will dawn one day.
What also happened with my DD, was in one of her subsequent jobs she had to live in tight living quarters as part of her job. With another girl. The other girl was tidier than her, and started tiding my DDs space as well. This shamed my DD into being even tidier.
If your DD is going travelling, this is going to change her in some ways. Which will probably include her untidy ways.

ggirl Mon 17-Dec-12 21:45:48

I would drop thw £50/month you give her..she doesn't need it anyway and you could use that as sanction

<<clutching straws >>

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 21:47:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alemci Mon 17-Dec-12 21:47:45

I shut the door alot of the time on my YDs room. I have given up nagging but I won't tolerate her mess anywhere else. ED is away at university so her room is relatively clear but she has just got back.

My DH did try and hoover in YD's room recently but it just goes back to being a mess. She may be going to uni next year and I think we will tackle it then and redecorate etc.

I may even give it to my YS or put the girls in one room.

YD is doing A2 so tend to let her get on with it. I don't hoover her room now. I do her washing. she tends to bring cups down usually so not too bad.

ZhenThereWereTwo Mon 17-Dec-12 21:48:50

Seal it off with tape and stick one of Biological Hazard these to the door. When she gets in hand her some paper overalls, rubber gloves, bleach spray and bin bags tell her it is either that or you take the door off.

softpaw Mon 17-Dec-12 21:48:56

Well,having re-read all the posts,and having survived the horror(s)..stop pussyfooting around,and bin their mess.(they don't hate you for it )

amillionyears Mon 17-Dec-12 21:51:52

TSC. But she keeps herself clean. So does care about that.
With the not looking after your stuff that she has borrowed. I did threaten to do something to the first item I picked out of her wardrobe, if she didnt look after something of mine that she had borrowed. That cured that particular problem, as she knows I do carry out any threats that I make.

softpaw Mon 17-Dec-12 21:54:01

Why isn't there a "like comment" on here??

amillionyears Mon 17-Dec-12 21:58:20

Izzy. I agree that you have more of a problem because you say that she is spoilt.
My DD was not spoilt as we run a business, so DD is aware that if we have to put the work in to make the business pay.

In your case, no I would not allow rotting food, and other health issues in the room. And if you want your other DCs to use the room, then that is a health and safety issue too. Would turn a blind eye to things such as clothes on the floor etc.
But to get those basics done, then I would reduce the substantial pocket money, reduce the amount of lifts etc. Especially since she isnt doing chores or work.
I dont think you mentioned or age, or whether she is planning on moving out soon?

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast Mon 17-Dec-12 22:00:06

It's good to see you seeing the good in your DD TSC - as you say she definitely has many good points too

- I think it could be a good mind exercise to just call the room "filthy" and not actually your DD herself ?

You know, it's that hate the behaviour, but love the child thing smile

softpaw Mon 17-Dec-12 22:00:44

I want to like comments,but the time delay is rubbish

softpaw Mon 17-Dec-12 22:03:54

amillionyears,we're not talking about clothes on the floor...............

bubby64 Mon 17-Dec-12 22:05:36

My DS1 (12) is already becoming like this, and I got fed up of trying to get in to his bedroom to clean/tidy, his twin is almost, but not quite as bad. I lost my temper 2 weeks ago and confiscated is drum lit (which had been his much wante birthday pressie only a week before) and I refused to return it until the room was tidies, mugs and dishes bought down, clean clothes put away and dirty ones put in wash bin. He finally gave in and tidied it yesterday, and got drums back last night, and is now aware that I can and will confiscte something he wants for as long as is required to get what i want done!

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 22:05:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amillionyears Mon 17-Dec-12 22:06:43

I didnt think I was talking about clothes on the floor confused

Doinmummy Mon 17-Dec-12 22:07:10

My DDs bedroom is either disgusting ( sanitary towels on the floor ) or immaculate. I go in retrieve cups, plates glasses etc and leave everything as it is. She broke her straighteners the other day, trod on them as they were hidden under piles of clothes . Tough!

I have to pick my battles with her and a filthy room is way down the list.

Izzyschangelingisarriving Mon 17-Dec-12 22:07:24

amillion I have resolved the issue now, with the use of black bags, into the rain, the day after the bin man came - so they had 2 weeks effectively to sort things out.

DC was sobbing at the "invasion of privacy", but by that point, I no longer cared (specially the things I had seen with mould etc).

Once that was achieved, I reverted to with holding lifts and pocket money, even if DCs friends were waiting for them.

Now it is hygenic and safe - no scissors, marker pens etc lying about, no mouldy food or cups, which is all I asked for - I dont want perfection, but hygiene.

I lost it after a special shopping trip to London, where I spent over £200 on clothes, and went into DCs room, they had slept ON them. My clothes come from ebay, so I was furious.

Yes off to uni soon and spends most of the week at my mums anyway because of college.

Their room is their room - no-one else uses it, but if the small DCs do get in, then I want it safe, and I refuse to have locked rooms in the house.

softpaw Mon 17-Dec-12 22:10:12

I sound harsh here for a reason...I have 3 grown up successful daughters who all lived like pigs..I do have advice.(they all have lovely homes)

amillionyears Mon 17-Dec-12 22:11:13

Glad it is sorted Izzy. smile

Elegantlybasted Mon 17-Dec-12 22:15:51

Give her 48 hrs to clean up and then go in and black bag anything, and I mean anything on the floor and bin it. If she earns her own money she can replace anything that she needs, if she doesn't have enough tough luck. My DD is 12, and was becoming a slob, she is clean and tidy herself but treats her room like a pit. I had become fed up did the 48 hr notice warning, she didn't take me seriously until she saw me coming up the stairs with the black bags. She tidied up, needs the odd reminder now and again but is much improved. You have to mean what you say though.

softpaw Mon 17-Dec-12 22:17:22

Best revenge...put your hands around their face and say"I was you once"

MissVerinder Mon 17-Dec-12 22:30:14

Can you go to a bait shop and buy a handful of maggots?

Pop them in a mouldy cup she's going to look in... She need never know it was you...

Angelico Mon 17-Dec-12 22:48:41

OP please read this all in case you get the wrong idea about what I'm saying smile

Are you tidy yourself? And have you ever actually taught your daughter how to be tidy and organised?

I ask this because I was v like your daughter - high-achieving, busy, out lots when I was a teenager. My parents weren't really messy but they were classic hoarders (both had been quite poor as kids) and this mentality trickled down to me. We would be told to tidy our rooms when we were little kids but this mostly involved just stuffing things out of sight. As a teenager my room especially descended into mess and chaos (although not to the rotting food stage) and this didn't get any better through university / adult life.

Recently I got the FlyLady book and had a bit of a revelation: she said, "lots of messy, cluttered people were told as kids - Go tidy your room! - and then went into the room and stood looking around and didn't have a clue where to start!" And when I read that I thought - my God, that was me! And still is to some extent! It's like I literally don't know where to start. So FlyLady book has really helped me because it gives a bit of structure IYSWIM.

*So, practical suggestions*:

- Softly softly first. Tell her you know tidying / cleaning is broing and overwhelming when everything is a tip and that THIS ONE TIME ONLY you are willing to help her. She has half an hour to hide anything she doesn't want you to see. Then you will come in a help her, for an hour a night for this week only. (Make sure you tackle the repeat offenders first e.g. if it's clothes make sure she has enough hangers / space in wardrobe etc so she can hang up as she goes.)

- If this fails time to get tough. Ban all visitors, especially boyfriend. Threaten and follow through. Agree with other posters: wait for bins to be collected, black bag everything, dump it in garage or similiar. Empty drawers / cupboards / wardrobe. Completely clean room. Give her one bag at a time and tell her she sorts it before she gets the next one. Give her a suggested plan if necessary - undies in top drawer, jumpers in second drawer etc. Seriously. Don't assume because she's smart she can figure this out herself. I'm smart but show me a mound of stuff and some over-crammed storage and no system of where to put stuff = brain meltdown.

- If she goes completely mental - guess what? There's the front door. She has somewhere else to go.

If you can help her with this now you will save her years of stress and frustration (I speak from experience). I'm getting slightly better because we now have a baby DD and I need to know where stuff is. But guess what? My office is still the messiest room in the house even now...

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Dec-12 22:55:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast Tue 18-Dec-12 10:10:33

I'm very messy and disorganised and think I may have attention deficit tendencies - I can certainly relate to that "don't know where to start" feeling, as well as getting easily distracted (like here ?! blush) so rarely finishing tasks either. Interesting that she forgot her skirt one day for school ? So, perhaps some of it is part of her make up and so going to be difficult (though not impossible ?) for you or her to change. Angelico's thoughts seem very helpful.

specialsubject Tue 18-Dec-12 10:32:42

OP, make that call. 'Entitled' is a nightmare.

if she has long straight hair and skinny legs her male and female peers won't see anything wrong with her for a while, but they will eventually and the later it comes, the worse it will be. So it is cruel to be kind time, and time to teach her to be grateful for what she has.

good luck.

TheSecondComing Tue 18-Dec-12 11:15:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder Tue 18-Dec-12 11:24:03

If i looked like that my room would be a tip too! Other fish to fry grin My son is like James Dean I see a pattern here x

Angelico Tue 18-Dec-12 11:28:31

Juggling I reckon we were separated at birth, right down to the ADHD tendencies blush grin

OP great she's started but as Juggling said (and I concur) FINISHING the job is crucial. I would eventually get started, get quite into it, get to a certain point - then get distracted. If you can help her get the SYSTEM into place (where stuff lives) and make her get everything sorted this first time then it's just a matter of maintenance.

Good luck! smile

InExitCelsisDeo Tue 18-Dec-12 11:40:13

Agree totally with Angelico

I myself am not tidy or organised so when I tell DD to tidy her room I feel like a complete hypocrite.

She once asked me, in all honesty "Why do I have to tidy my room" and I couldn't really think of a good answer, except that if we don't keep on top of stuff then chaos will ensue.

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast Tue 18-Dec-12 12:11:04

But that is a good answer Celsis

- shame it doesn't galvanise me to action more frequently blush

lilibet Tue 18-Dec-12 12:26:49

Oh I feel your pain. Sorry but I've not had time to read all the thread, but have seen a lot of the answers.

My son is 19, works and pays rent, the ony bit of carpet that you can see in his room is the semi circle where his door opens, then it's knee deep with crap.

Those of you who would bin stuff, how can you bin stuff that someone else has bought with their wages?

specialsubject Tue 18-Dec-12 15:37:17

looks like Kate Moss? Oh well, nobody's perfect.

hope there is progress soon.

softpaw Tue 18-Dec-12 15:54:13

yeah to Angelico. I've done all this with three daughters..if anyone needs hints.They are now independant,wonderful,and tidy women!!

MaryChristmaZEverybody Tue 18-Dec-12 16:03:17

I have just enjoyed read this thread through my fingers while chuckling quietly to myself in a slightly manic way

dd is going to (apparently) tackle hers this weekend. I foresee a bit of a row grin

DontmindifIdo Tue 18-Dec-12 18:41:25

Lilibet - you do the same, say if they want to live like that you'll give them the bin bags to take to their new home. If they want the advantages of living in your house, then they need to stick at rules. If they want to live in a slum, that's their choice, but they pay for the privilage.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Tue 18-Dec-12 18:45:53

Go in, take lots of photos and email them to her and tell her that if her room isn't sorted within 5 days, the photos are going on facebook? (she doesn't need to know that's a bluff grin )

Perhaps looking at photos of the room will make her see it more than actually seeing it.

If that makes any sense.

ihearsounds Tue 18-Dec-12 19:05:59

Stop running around after her. Why does she need to do anything when she knows eventually that you will sort it.

She does her own washing, she is an adult and should be more than capable of doing a load.
No food and drink in bedrooms. I have never understood why food gets taken into rooms.
No more pack lunches made for her, what is the point when she is throwing it in the bin?

Until she does as she is asked, then she can have no more visitors. You need to man the fook up, but not by doing it for her. You need to man the fook up and start instilling some house rules, and encouraging her to be as independent as possible. If she is going travelling, she is going to be in a lot of trouble as mummy will not be there to run around after her.

AgathaHoHoHo Tue 18-Dec-12 19:14:48

Our 21yr old dd is exactly the same. Food, plates etc, face wipes, clothes etc etc all over the floor. I think people whose children are not quite so extreme is this respect often come out with plans that they say will sort it out and make them change, but the reality of it is different. Our ds is the opposite and likes a clean and tidy room.

Over the last 3 or so weeks, and for no apparent reason, our dd has started to take action on her room. She has charity bagged a load of clothes (gone into the bags dirty though), and is generally throwing stuff out. She says she realises that she has too much stuff and that is why she struggles to keep her room clean/tidy. She has an unfortunate ebay habit and has bought so many clothes off there, most of which she only wears once or twice. I am hoping she has seen the error of her ways, although I have to say that I will believe it when I see it.

chunops Wed 19-Dec-12 17:18:26

When she is out just get bin bags and stuff everything into it including food etc don,t segregate it leave outside,don't wash,iron for her if you do she will have partly won. To have a untidy room is fine, but to have health problems in her room is another thing she just has contempt for the whole situation.

cwtchontoast Wed 02-Jan-13 15:54:27

Hmm, I think a lot of people fail to realise that messiness is not strictly a teenage problem, and that some people genuinely struggle to keep their space tidy.

I was very messy as a teen (and still am really, I only really have a big clean up when dh thinks its becoming unacceptable.) And my parents punishments only served to hurt my feelings as I found it hard between school, work and keeping up a social life to find motivation to keep my bedroom tidy.

I understand your dd's messy bedroom offends you, and you feel something must be done, but punishing an 18yo for this sort of thing will only drive a wedge between you, she could probably do with a bit sympathy and a non-judgmental hand to get the ball rolling.

So relieved to find this thread.

Lots of posters have expressed my exact feelings, thought I was alone in having The Fear of what lurks upstairs in my 13 year old DDs room.

It makes me so miserable. It does sound just like a lot of other rooms on this thread (which eases the 'why me?!' feeling slightly)
Bus tickets! The girl gets 2 buses a day, and never throws the ticket away. Mouldy cups. Knocked over nail varnish bottles. Dirty underwear stuffed in drawers with chocolate wrappers... When she opens the door, bits of papery crap float out and cover the landing.

We had a leak from the bathroom once, which leaked into her room. Because her carpet was so covered in crap, I didn't know about it until it soaked through the layers of junk on her floor. By which time the carpet had rotted angry

Like the all the other posters messy roomed DCs, DD is a lovely girl, and I have no other trouble with her but the mess is driving me crazy.

I'm very tidy, hate 'stuff' cluttering the house, get anxious about mess- but come from a long line of hoarders on my mums side!

I just wish there was a magic wand I could wave. I'd let you all use it grin

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