My teenage daughter is turning into a bitch. Help me survive

(92 Posts)
LovelyMuffins Wed 01-Aug-12 17:05:00

She told me to butt out of her life this afternoon. I had collected her from a friends house and told her I saw her boy/friend this afternoon and said hello to him (she was at a friends). That was clearly the wrong thing for me to have done. I said that as he had been in our house and had his tongue down her throat I was quite within my rights as a human being and her mother to say hello to him. She responded by telling me I have no right to say hello and shouting that I should butt out of her life. I was shocked, angry, hurt. I can barely speak to her. I hate this teen stuff. She is fucking horrible sometimes. Also she has started speaking badly and it really really grates on me. She doesn't realise she is doing it - she says. I could quite happily tell her to fuck off. I didn;t think she would be like this. She's selfish, rude and talks to me like I am a useless, stupid lump of shit.

noddyholder Wed 01-Aug-12 17:06:28

how old`/

LovelyMuffins Wed 01-Aug-12 17:06:56


LovelyMuffins Wed 01-Aug-12 17:07:08

aaagh!!! No!!! 14 grin

How old is she?

Sorry xpost.

I have a 14 year old dd as well.

So I have zero helpful advice but much sympathy. But I refuse to be a taxi for teenagers who cannot keep speak in a civilized manner (I have a 13 year old DS as well) They have to take the bus.

We had a meltdown last week as I expect them to do jobs around the house whilst I am at work, apparently I am ruining her life.

Do I care? Not even a little bit grin

LovelyMuffins Wed 01-Aug-12 17:14:55

TantrumsAndOlympics.... - i want to take your approach! I am too soft. She is a lazy, spoilt little brat ( or she is coming across that way).

Well as far as I am concerned, they have oyster cards, bikes and 2 feet.

If they object to being asked to help out, or being asked a civil question or object to me even existing in DDs case they are very welcome to use one of those methods to get where they need to go.

However I will not be funding these days out either.

noddyholder Wed 01-Aug-12 17:19:21

My ds was like this for 3 years grin sorry!Nearly finished me off tbh Although no tongues down throats not at home anyway!

mirry2 Wed 01-Aug-12 17:20:32

Oh I remember it well grin

LovelyMuffins Wed 01-Aug-12 17:43:39

urgh! It is absolutely dreadful rasing a teen. I can't wait till it's over! sad

TheOneWithTheGoldMedals Wed 01-Aug-12 17:52:10

I have an ungrateful spoilt brat too. He's 16 and sounds like he's at the same stage as your dd.

On the rare occasion he's being reasonable I really enjoy his company so I cling to that when he's being awful. I also have posted on here when he's done something to be proud of as it makes me more aware that he's a decent person underneath.

You are just going to have to see it through and live in hope that your lovely young lady reappears soon. smile

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 19:33:54

lovelymuffins if she is "lazy and spolit" then what do expect?

If you have spoilt her and continue to run her around, buy her clothes and pay for everything and allow her to talk to you like that - well you get what you deserve.

My DC's would never dream of speaking like that to me or any other adult because 'privelidges' would've been withdrawn immediately. And I wouldn't have been blackmailed.

mirry2 Wed 01-Aug-12 20:31:16

awbless how old are your dcs? Lucky you if you've never experienced it but don't blame it all on the parents. imo most teenagers go through this stage at some time or another but others don't gwet to the stage until early 20s so no need to be so smug. It's part of growing up and asserting independence.

cybbo Wed 01-Aug-12 20:35:07

Yes teenagers are like toddlers with vile manners

I will not tolerate rudeness and am very happy to always have the last word. Then I will remind my d when she wants something of how rude she has been

It's worth talking to her when she has calmed down and pointing out how her behaviour comes across

Also buy 'get out of my life...but first take me and Alex into town ' a fab survival guide

LovelyMuffins Wed 01-Aug-12 21:32:06

awbless, She is not lazy ordinarily. She is not spoilt either. Her pocket money was stopped in April becuase of rudeness and now she has to earn every penny of her money back. She has had two months where she has had nothing at all. She has become this way in the past year. She has never spoken to me like this before this year and she always gets the very sharp end of my tongue when she does. I do not run her around unless it is somewhere necessary as was today. She is made to get the bus or train or have people here instead and get the bare minimum for fares or a drink when she is out. You have jumped to rather a lot of conclusions there.
Icybbo and

The only thing that u can do is to make sure that she is getting enough sleep. TV, phone, ipod or anything else with internet connection get out of her room. its amazing how many teens are rude and short tempered when they are tired.

noddyholder Wed 01-Aug-12 21:48:35

Saying no and meaning it/sticking to it really works and gives you the fuel to say 'Remember what happened last time you did x y z?' They do grow up but its a slow process and they slip back now and then

fraggle500 Wed 01-Aug-12 21:49:05

I don't really think it matters how much/little ,time/money/lifts etc you give a teen, most are programmed to be rude, spoilt and selfish. grin this speaking as a 43 year old who is very responsible , polite etc but can soon revert to my 15 year old "nightmare" self when in the company of my parents for too long. winksad

ExitPursuedByABronzeBear Wed 01-Aug-12 21:53:27

DH and I are not speaking to each other and I am sat on MN following a row over our DD (12) and her Blackberry.

Tis pants. She has no respect for us and it really upsets DH. We are old(er) parents and so not in touch with stuff, but she really seems to not give a damn - and all we are asking is that she respects the house.

I despair.

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 21:54:40

24, 19 & 16. I'm not smug - worked hard to bring them up (XH feckless, unreliable), but I am their mother not their best friend.

We have never had an argument, we're not the Waltons, I'm pretty sure I've been the most unpopular person on their planet on occassions.

I work with 14 - 19 yo's so I do have experience and extensive knowledge of the damage that parents can do like " I don't understand it, we've given him/her everything".

I understand from the referals and requests that I get, that I am OK at helping teens.

LovelyMuffins Wed 01-Aug-12 21:55:04

sorry phone rang and I pressed post

Redglow Wed 01-Aug-12 21:55:21

Awbless don't be too smug it might be your child like that next month. They can change just like that. Wouldn't we all like perfect children? We didn't bring them up to be rude and selfish sometimes it just happens.

ExitPursuedByABronzeBear Wed 01-Aug-12 21:57:11

hmm DH did the old 'how much money I gave you last weekend' bit on her tonight, which is pointless in my opinion as money is meaningless to her.

LovelyMuffins Wed 01-Aug-12 21:58:26

Exitpursued - I am 47 so not a young parent by any means. It is hard. A lot harder than Ithough it would be. yes the lack of respect is horrid. She has just come in and given me a hug. I found it very hard to hug back and told her that as she wanted me to butt out of her life I don;t feel inclined to hug her. That was probaly wrong but I don;t care right now tbh

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 21:59:19

Exit no point asking a 12 yr old to respect the house! And a 12 yo with a blackberry? How did she afford that? How does she put the credit on because she couldn't get a contract at her age could she?

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 22:04:15

redglow well the 24 yo and the 19 yo haven't changed yet so I am not expecting the 16 yo to change much either.

If I am coming over as smug then I accept that. But look at my previous post - I work with some of the 'worst' teenage behavior you can imagine, I get successes.

LovelyMuffins Wed 01-Aug-12 22:06:55

so given your expertise in teenage behaviour what would you recommend I do? She is displaying typical teen traits I suppose. Everything revolves around her, she can be very rude and dismissive, she has no respect etc etc etc.

mirry2 Wed 01-Aug-12 22:09:50

my own teenager says 'what do you expect? I'm a teenager.' Makes me laugh that she's so insightful

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 22:10:30

When you say she has no respect what do you mean? What do you say when she is rude?

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 22:13:41

mirry laughing is good. I've used that loads of times.

"what's it got to do with you?" is another phrase used to good effect.

"you crack on then" another gem used when they expect a row.

Don't take 'em on.

LovelyMuffins Wed 01-Aug-12 22:17:24

it is hard to quantify awbless. There are so many incidents in a week. Surly, looks at me like I am stupid interference. I will ask her a question adn she'll reply with utter disdain and impatience.
Mirry - my dd does that too. I hvae said that jsut because it is teenage behaviour, it does not make it acceptable. I am sure she does have respect somewhere. She treats me like I am an embarrassement.
When she is rude I tell her I will not accept being spoken to like that and how dare she refer to me as if I am some lesser being etc etc. It is very diff to write it all down as there are many minor incidents that make a big grim picture

mirry2 Wed 01-Aug-12 22:20:29

I was exactly the same as a teenager. My poor long suffering monther.....

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 22:20:46

They have no concept that we actually have feelings.

If I ask a student "what do you think your mum thought when you said/did that", they genuinely look at me in amazement. They just do not consider how we feel - especially those of us that love them more than life itself.

There are plenty of parents who don't feel like us and frankly don't give a shit. Their DC's are so desperate to please them its heartbreaking.

You have my sympathy. I have a 14yr old dd too.

It is so hard to find the balance between being letting them have a life and not letting them take the piss.

Mine has today appeared with a love bite shock sad. Ive not ranted, ive said I think it looks awful and that she should have more self respect, and that from now on her bf isn't allowed in the house if i'm not here, but god, what else do you do when faced with that ??

My mum would say ive no punished her enough, but i don't wang to alienate her.

I have all this to come with 12yr old dd2 aswell. confused

OP i think in your position, i'd remove stuff like lifts to friends, and tv access or something, even if only for a day.

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 22:29:10

lovelymuffins sounds like you are trying too hard. (I know this comes over as harsh in text - and I am saying it in my head in a caring way really).

Try a bit of disdain yourself, try a bit of "yeah it's a tough life isn't it". Try really hard not to do the " please treat us with respect/you treat this house as a hotel" type thing.

I used to do a lot of patronising "I know, I know it's hard isn't it/life's a bitch isn't it" and then get back to my book/glass of wine etc.

I also throw in a lot of what I got up to - dead casual in conversation. They go OMG thats gross mum! But I say "don't thibnk I don't know what goes on in that tiny brain of yours".

elastamum Wed 01-Aug-12 22:30:44

I'm with awbless on this. As a LP of teens I have a zero tolerance policy on rudeness or bad behavior in my house. Everyone is expected to do chores, walk the dogs for me and muck in.

Both my boys know that if I am the one going out to earn money to keep us then I dont expect to wait on everyone at home as well. When we have dinner in the evening nobody leaves the kitchen until everything is cleared away and the washing up is done. Thats just how we live. I wouldnt dream of paying either of my two boys for chores. They understand they have responsibilities which are part of us being a family and they OFFER to help all the time.

We do try to have a laugh together and I dont sweat the small stuff or nag (dont have the energy) and interestingly both my boys say I am the most easy going of all their friends parents.

IMO we do our children no favours by waiting on them and running round after them. Adult life isnt like that

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 22:34:05

Nutcracker just got to reply to your post.

I went home with a lovebite (about 14yo I think), my dad went ballistic - never seen him raise his voice prior to that. However, I did tell my DC's that story but added in what a tramp I looked and how I though I was cool, when in fact I looked a complete slapper. (truth always carries weight)

DD is 24 never had a lovebite because I've brainwashed them to think that it common.

mirry2 Wed 01-Aug-12 22:34:07

Yes awbless, I've told my dd about what I got up to and how I caused my dm so much stress and she has understood, which I think is why her behavour is not as bad as it could be. Still turned my hair prematurely grey though.

elastamum Wed 01-Aug-12 22:35:26

I also say things like 'if this was a hotel we would have been shut down years ago, but thankfully it isnt so please get off your lovely arses and help me tidy up' A joke is usually met by a smile and some action grin

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 22:37:19

elstamum sounds just like us. My DC's say exactly same about us.

DS (19) said a few weeks ago that his mates couldn't believe that "me and you have never had an argument". It's true - as you say - don't sweat the small stuff.

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 22:39:48

Just want to add that the DC's all get on too. They can't understand friends who say they hate their siblings.

I really don't want to sound smug, and I appreciate when you are going through a tough time it's the last thing you want to hear but you can only change YOUR behavior and your attitude - that's the key.

LovelyMuffins Wed 01-Aug-12 22:42:21

well I am obviously shit at this. Feel defeated and deflated.

Hassled Wed 01-Aug-12 22:44:45

All I can tell you is that it will pass and you will all get your lovely DDs back again. My DD was the reason I joined MN - 6? years ago. I was in complete and utter despair - no one could make me as angry, no one could push the buttons like she could. I just couldn't deal with the hatred and resentment and rudeness - her moods would dominate the entire house.

But somewhere along the way - at 18ish - she started to mature, and we have a wonderful relationship now. So just keep telling yourselves it won't always be this awful - and in the meantime pick your battles (you have to let some of it wash over you) but be consistent - zero tolerance for the stuff you really can't ignore. Make the most of the good days - if you can bond over something/anything, even if only for a few hours, make the most of it. Those hours not talking in the cinema were actually our quality time, and it was important that we were doing something together.

My dad would have done the same awbless. The thing is, with dd1, if i shout then she def doesn't listen as much as if i am calm and just state what i think.

I am also going to speak to her bf when he next appears. dd's not happy about that, but that's tough.

I am a lone parent, and also didn't live with my mum as a teen so I do sometimes struggle to know what is best. I have to be the good cop and bad cop all rolled into one, and it does suck someties.

mirry2 Wed 01-Aug-12 22:47:05

lovelymuffins you are not shit at being a parent. It's a hard job and you are not alone in finding it difficult. Most people in rl won't admit it ourt of loyalty to their dc but I would say most must be going through the same things.

Lovelymuffins, you are not shit at all. Parenting a teen is bloody hard. Give yourself a break.

As someone further up said, try a bit of sarcasm back. My kids know that they will get nowhere with me if they are rude, but they still try it on. Also, pick your battles and don't sweat the small stuff.

wellwisher Wed 01-Aug-12 22:50:13

LovelyMuffins, this book gets recommended a lot on here - I haven't read it as I don't have teenage children (thank god!) but it might be worth a look? I love the title, remember having many conversations like that with my long-suffering parents when I was a teenage bitch grin

mirry2 Wed 01-Aug-12 22:51:15

Yes I agree with Hasled. The cinema is a great place to bond. She may not want to go with you if she feels embarrassed at being seen out with you (a common attitude) but say the film is something you really want to see and want her company. Try and keep calm and you both may really enjoy it.

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 22:51:32

lovelymuffins you're not shit. If you were shit you'd be injecting yourself with some substance, pissed somewhere, shagging some dickhead (oh maybe that's just me) not have clue where your DC's where or even care. That's shit.

You care and love them but you have to prepare them for real life. We can't protect them and carry them around. Be a bit selfish - she does, so can you. Try it (you might get to like it wink - I do) the world doesn't revolve around them and neither do you, the sooner they catch on the better.

awbless Wed 01-Aug-12 22:53:59

nutcracker I wasn't suggesting you shout! Never works IMO.

My suggestion is tell her thats what slappers look like.

FWIW - I would not say owt to bf - he'll be history soon.

Inyourhippyhat Wed 01-Aug-12 22:58:49

You and me both Muffins. DD argues every point, every time. No is my favourite word. Do not let the smuggery on this thread get you down - Let's go down the garden to eat worms

akaemmafrost Wed 01-Aug-12 23:07:43

I am loving your advice awbless storing it all away for the future.

I thought he'd have gone already tbh awbless, but it's been 4mths.

I probably won't need to speak to him tbh, just a look will be enough lol.

I told her she looked like a cheap slapper shock too harsh ??

thenightsky Wed 01-Aug-12 23:24:57

So glad I'm past the teen stage with both mine now, especially DD.

Have you had the old cliche 'I never asked to be born'? I got that one daily.

mirry2 Wed 01-Aug-12 23:46:49

What about 'you've had your life. Now it's my turn.' Said, not by my dd to me, but by me to my own dm blush when she wouldn't let me go out one evening.

flow4 Thu 02-Aug-12 00:15:37

lovelymuffins, you're not shit. Being the parent of teenagers can be very hard, and it's not you (I'm about 90% sure of this because you're on here looking for advice) it's them! grin My friend K, who is a children's social worker with almost 30 years' experience (and she's married to another children's SW too, so between them they know a LOT about problems with kids!) talks about children and young people who are 'complex characters'... Some kids are just more difficult challenging fkng impossible complex than others... Just like some adults, if you think about it.

Parents tend to think that their children's good behaviour is to their credit, and their bad behaviour is their fault. IMO, this is about 2% true. The other 98% of children's behaviour is down to the children themselves. (So I don't think awbless is smug, but I do think she's a bit deluded wink Sorry awbless!) There are thousands of parents out here who can prove it, because they have two or more children with entirely different habits and behaviours (Personally, I have one son who is more-or-less delinquent and another who is not far off being an angel in human form wink) Parents can claim credit, but they're fooling themselves imo... Also, of course, behaviour changes over time - and 14 seems a low-point for many.

That book wellwisher recommends (I'd recommend it too) says the most useful thing I have ever heard about parenting 'difficult' teens: it says you get to a point where you can't stop them - they have to stop themselves - but you can continue to influence them by giving consistent 'moral messages'. So for instance I find myself saying things like "It is not acceptable for you to talk to me like that" and "I can't stop you doing X, but it is still wrong, so you need to stop yourself"...

You are right about needing to find ways to survive. None of the 'parenting strategies' in the known universe will stop a 14 yo swearing at you if s/he is that way inclined (or lying, breaking promises, taking drugs, stealing, etc.)... But a coffee with friends or an hour in the sauna or some other treat will help you deal with it all more calmly and constructively. grin

phdlife Thu 02-Aug-12 00:21:34

my dsis has just been through 2 years of hell with her dd - it started like this, then when a few bad things happened to my niece, instead of her parents being able to help it turned into all-out war.

The thing she found most helpful - too late to be of use, but made her feel like someone had been living in her life - was a teen girl book called "Princess Bitchface" - she'd avoided it for years because of the title and now wishes she'd read it when her dd was about 11.

might be worth a try?

flow4 Thu 02-Aug-12 07:39:44

Oh, and another useful thought, from another friend of mine, who said... Stropping teenagers are like hurricanes. When a hurricane starts, you don't think "oh, I must stop this hurricane" or "I'm such a failure cos I can't"... You batten down the hatches or take shelter under the table, make sure you and small children and animals are safe, and wait for it to pass! AND IT DOES PASS! grin

ivykaty44 Thu 02-Aug-12 07:49:20

Next time your daughter wants

A lift to a mates house
pocket money
etc etc

reminder her you have butted out of her life grin

Don't sweat the small stuff only think about the bigger stuff and don't take it to heart

LovelyMuffins Thu 02-Aug-12 08:25:04

this is all great advice and support, thank you. ivykaty44 = I have had to remind of that already! I am a lone parent too (widowed 2 years ago). I think I bent a lot once we had lost dh as I felt a duty to provide and over compensated with material things and saying 'yes'. This evened out a while ago but the aftershock is coming through now! I am going to stand firm, remind myself that I am in charge here and refer to this thread often. I have ordered the book and it is on its way!

TheOneWithTheGoldMedals Thu 02-Aug-12 08:29:56

Nutcracker I got a lovebird when I was 14 and my mother screamed at me that I was a whore!

This started a huge row between her and my dad. I never felt so bad in my life. I never got another one but I've never forgiven my mum either. I still feel hurt about it.

As long as you didn't scream and rage and explained in a measured way you'll get your point across.

toodles Thu 02-Aug-12 08:51:29

Very good post flow.

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea Thu 02-Aug-12 09:02:12

Oh I am joining in with your angst.
Dd is nealy 16 and had a huge meltdown last night because her phone wasn't working, which was THE END OF THE WORLD.

Swearing, telling me nobody likes me, throwing things.
Then half an hour later she sidles in weeping, saying sorry, how much she loves me.

We are older parents too, and dh and I have lots of arguments about parentin. He won't let the small stuff go, whereas I have learned to pick my battles ( thanks MN!)

BonnieBumble Thu 02-Aug-12 09:25:46

I was an awful awful teen. I spoke to my mum like she was worthless, my poor mum. sad

My mum didn't want to be too strict because she thought that I would rebel. The truth was I was crying out for boundaries. It would appear that I was allowed to get away with anything and I found it a very difficult confusing time.

I think if someone had told me that I was a selfish bitch and and asked me how I was feeling I might have been better. But who knows I'm no longer 15 and it is difficult to look back at the situation with the benefit of experience.

All the teenage girls in my family have been pretty vile, whereas the boys seemed to go through the teenage bit relatively unscathed (hoping it will be the same with my two). I look at my teenage nieces and I am amazed that their behaviour seems to be tolerated. We were at a family meal recently and my niece had a huge strop because she had forgotten her mobile phone, refused to order any food, her mother then drove 15 miles to retrieve the mobile so her daughter could text throughout the meal and put photos of crispy fried duck pancakes on Facebook.

I am not looking forward to the teenage years.

Redglow Thu 02-Aug-12 22:36:51

You sound like a great parent lovely muffins. As flow rightly says if it was down to bad parenting all the children in one family would be a nightmare.

We can only do what we think is right there is not a right way to bring up children and teenagers what works for one does not work for all it's trial and error.

LovelyMuffins Fri 03-Aug-12 08:12:52

well dd has been very contrite since her outburst. She does realise how much she hurt me and what was ironic was that the girl we were collecting when she yelled at me lost her Mum when she was 3. I told her that there are some people who would give anything to have a Mum in their lives. I think that may have broiught it home a bit. who knows. Anyway, she has asked if we can do something together soon and apologised. I feel much better. Until the next outburst..........!

Redglow Fri 03-Aug-12 09:40:58

That's great lovely muffins. Obviously doing something right.

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea Fri 03-Aug-12 09:42:02

It's the hormones.
We have fun in our house as I am menopausalsmile

LovelyMuffins Fri 03-Aug-12 09:45:28

Mrs RobertDuval - I think I am too!

QOD007 Fri 03-Aug-12 09:55:49

My dd finds me horribly embarrassing, she's such a miserable child, just like her dad.
Glass not even half full, it's empty and cracked. She's depressing to be with 2 weeks out of 6 due to hormones.


Where's my wonderful dd who used to love me gone?

Redglow Fri 03-Aug-12 10:21:01

She will come back . My daughter was awful she is now nineteen and lovely. From twelve to fifteen was a nightmare.

LovelyMuffins Fri 03-Aug-12 10:35:08

you are giving me hope! I know my lovely daughter is in there somewhere. I see it shining through. I think i almost have to remove myself from how she is and remember how she was. Also, it helps to remember that they cannot help it!

Bumblefeet Mon 06-Aug-12 09:50:07

I've read this thread with great interest, my daughter is coming up to 21, and still a bitch!

She has recently moved out, and appears to have very strange rules regarding behaviour and social skills.

ie, She never contacts us, unless she needs something, yet calls us names because 'communication goes both ways.
She states on fb that none of her family care about her, and that I have lost a daughter.

She lies just about all the time, and has missed both fathers day, and a major family birthday this weekend, which is apparently my fault, because I was meant to be giving her a lift! Erm, first I've heard about that!

She now has her absent parent father involved, and he has asked me if we can talk.
As she is nearly 21, I have no obligation to discuss her with him, especially as she left home of her own accord, and he only gets involved if there is a drama to be had. Shan't be returning THAT text!

We have had to deal with so many situations for so many years, that we are now quite weary of the whole thing, and at a total loss. Needless to say, her brother is the nicest creature you could wish to meet. (apart from at 7am!).

These threads make me realise that we are not on our own dealing with these issues, and that although we neither want nor invite the shitty behaviour, it comes regardless, it's how we handle it that matters.

As whatever we do regarding our daughter (I've been married to her stepdad since she was 4, she is classed as 'our' daughter) is clearly wrong in her eyes, I have decided to watch from a distance.
If I contact her, she is defensive and abusive, despite there being no argument that led to her leaving home, and if I don't contact her, I clearly don't care.
Just no middle ground, and I can't do right for doing wrong, so I have decided not to react anymore to her selfish and manipulative behaviour.

We came to the conclusion quite a while ago that we just have to leave her to go and sort herself out, and in time, she will come good. Personally, I think it will be a good decade away, but I do like to keep positive....

Chin up ladies!

Redglow Mon 06-Aug-12 15:09:39

My daughter changed when she fell in love.! I am sure you will get close again.

beagreassive Tue 07-Aug-12 08:15:05

DD1 has been wonderful as a young teen, while DD2 was a disaster (seriously, really really hard work). DD2 (nearly 18) is sorting herself out lovely at the moment, while DD1 got more and more obnoxious and demanding till I gave her the ultimatum of shaping up or shipping out: she moved her stuff to her fathers this last weekend, and I am currently trying to figure out how to maintain the good aspects of that relationship (which was wonderful till a year ago) with the less positive recent behaviours. I think she really is at the point where she needs to be "away" to be able to remember that we love each other, so I am hoping the move will be a positive thing.
That said, the people who have wonderful children and zero tolerance policies for rudeness: I'd love to know how you would have handled some of the really vile stuff that DD2 threw at me. Let alone some of the seriously concerning stuff she threw at herself. It's all very well having a zero tolerance policy for behaviour that is never ever tested: I had no problems with that approach with DD1 but the same responses to DD2's behaviour nearly left me with a dead daughter....

DD1121 Wed 29-May-13 23:46:19

so my teen 14 1/2 has come home and immediately says she hates me, hates her sister, and I have asked her if she would like a cup of tea or needs an advil since she says she hasnt felt well. She then has run down into her room, under her bed, crying hysterically and when I ask if I can come in, get her anything, she tells me to leave her alone. At other times, I would not be worried. It is the length of time this has been going on and the isolation she is creating in our home, in her life in general that concerns me. When do I seek out help from professional therapists if she wont communicate with me?

Bunnyhop2013 Fri 09-Aug-13 15:41:24

I could really use some advice/help. I could merrily strangle my 14 nearly 15 year old daughter. She sleeps all day, which I have to admit I'm actually quite thankful for as it means I don't have to deal with her until at least 2 or 3 in the afternoon. She whines constantly. Takes no responsibility for anything; everything is someone else's fault. If we say anything she doesn't like the sound of she will turn her back in the middle of the conversation and stomp upstairs slamming the door as she goes.
She is becoming increasingly overweight as she eats too much and is diabolically lazy. She is struggling terribly with maths but the maths tutor said after 2 lessons there was no point continuing as she refused to engage or apply herself. Se came down to lessons in her pyjama with a face like a bag of hammers and didn't even greet the tutor. She is a nightmare. The problem now is that I am so angry with her I can't bear to be in her company even when she is being relatively normal. Usually this sudden 'niceness' is due to her wanting something, a lift, make up etc. When i point out that her recent behaviour doesn't merit any 'treats' she just shouts at me and stomps back upstairs to her room.
She is settled and happy at school and has a nice set of friends. There are the usual dramas but nothing out of the ordinary. She is just awful at home and quite violent towards her younger sister. Thumping her or slapping her if for instance her sister is watching TV and she wants to watch something else. I can't leave her alone with her younger sister as I can't trust her to not be violent with her.
She is becoming increasingly difficult. I feel like a terrible mother as I have to admit that I really don't like her and I can't wait for her to leave home. She's always been challenging but it is getting worse rather than better. She doesn't get on with her sisters either. Any one else have similar problems? I just worry that maybe there is something I should or could have done to stop the situation spiralling so out of control...

Cerisier Sun 11-Aug-13 15:09:40

Bunnyhop I think you should start your own thread on this.

Your DD sounds very difficult. My advice would be to pick your battles. If she doesn't want maths tuition then don't force it, it has to come from them. My DD 16 was not good at French, but refused tuition. I didn't force it.

Try to disengage when she is winding you up. Don't rise to the bait. Flow gives really good advice about dealing with difficult teens, I hope she sees your post as she was on the original thread.

Scruffey Sun 11-Aug-13 15:12:38

Teenagers are rude but in this case, I would ask her how she thinks this boy would have felt if you had totally blanked him, rather than saying hello.

FrameyMcFrame Sun 11-Aug-13 17:54:51

Hi I have been reading the thread and sympathise.
I've had a really upsetting afternoon with my DD who constantly fights with her 4 yr old brother. Then blames it on me, she manages to twist it so that everything is my fault. Today she had me in tears at the beach, I'm trying my best to have a happy family life but she wants to ruin everything we do.
Also my Mum (her grandma) always takes her side against me.
She pushes and pushes until we all end up ratty and I'm in tears or shouting at people.
Sorry to vent. I just so understand how you feel

Chottie Tue 13-Aug-13 01:52:46

OP - I am with awbless on this I was also my children's parent and not their friend when they were teenagers. I would not tolerate rudeness, door slamming and they had clear boundaries.

Yes, they kicked off at times, but I stood firm and the message got through. Good luck and take heart.

Redglow my children were / are not perfect, but certain behaviours were not acceptable and I made that consistently clear. DP and I were on the same page with this.

I do accept that being a teen is a time for change, but in my book it is not a time for rudeness either.

Sending you an unMN hug { }.

Chottie Tue 13-Aug-13 02:00:12

FrameyMcFrame - in your place, I would be having a quiet word my my DM and asking her to respect my parenting and back me up. Can you speak to your DD when she is a more reasonable mood and explain why she is not to wind up her brother and that this behaviour is not acceptable.

When your DD pushes and pushes, I would just ignore her. Tell her that you are not prepared to speak or listen to her until she speaks in a reasonable way. Walk away, go to another room, on the beach take your 4 year old off for some beach combing, take your control back. Don't let her upset you, it's your holiday and DS holiday as well. Good luck.

Greenkit Tue 13-Aug-13 04:55:36

TBH, dont sweat the small stuff, pick your battles and win them..I.e. if you have told her to do something (washing up for instance) make sure she does it.

For punishment, make sure you start off small, no TV for today or simular, its no good going in all guns blazing and 'grounding her for the rest of her life' which you generally do if angry, so take some time out to decide what your going to do.

I have a 24 yr old, married grin
17yr old Girl (gggaaaahhhh)
and 15yr old boy (Grunt grunt)

Longdistance Tue 13-Aug-13 05:16:25

I reckon sending them up chimneys to clean them is the way forward grin


teesumner Wed 09-Apr-14 16:39:20

Please help.... My daughter is out of control, it was been going on for almost 2 years thought she would grow out of it but it is getting worse, she is rude and disrespectful..but fake when around other people, everyone thinks she is just so sweet. Here mouth is just rude and faul. She cusses at school like a sailor and she is 12.. She is so sexually aggressive my son wont even bring friends around nor do her father and I like bringing friends over.

RhondaJean Wed 09-Apr-14 16:47:24

Tee start a new thread, people will help but at the end of a two year old one they might not notice?

BadTeen Sat 09-Aug-14 22:20:13

Yeah but none have gone this far. My kid repeats anything I say. Her dad is a real jerk and I got fired from 3 jobs. Any suggestions?

Fabulous46 Sun 10-Aug-14 00:50:58

Awbless be as smug as you like. However some parents struggle with the teenage years. Please try and be a tad more supportive rather than posting your smug arsed comments!

OP I've had 5 horrendous years with my DD and I'm a Social Worker. Yes, I see it all BUT sometimes no matter how hard you try teenagers are all individual and unique in their own ways. They can be awful! I know my DD was. It does pass, it's bloody hard and yes it's frustrating. I lost count of the times I really didn't like her behaviour. I was constantly told to "fuck off out of my life" by her. I "didn't understand" and I was the mother from hell (according to her). Now, we have a much better relationship. They can be extremely hurtful, nasty beyond words and have a "fuck you" attitude. There is light at the end of the tunnel, honestly there is. I still wonder how I survived the last few years but I did. You will too ��

bloodyteenagers Sun 10-Aug-14 01:13:29

I got the whole butt out of my life screamed at me. I had done something ridiculous like dare talk to one of their friends via text. Yes one of their mates text me.
I laughed. This enraged her even more. Telling me to stop laughing. Why was I laughing. I was being so unfair.
I look at her very seriously and told her to calm down and engage her brain. I butt out of her life and I have an easier life. I have one less person to feed and clothe. One less to fill in school permission slips and other things we do as parents. I am laughing because I will have an easier life.

This stopped her in her tracks. You could see her brain going into overdrive thinking about life if I butt out.

Until the next drama.

Screaming and shouting never worked. Remaining very calm and serious did. Sometimes I was very sarcastic with my responses. Sometimes I was so blunt it hurt, but like I said at those times, I aint your mate to lie and tell you how great x,y, or z is.

Framey, you need to tell your mum to leave you and your family alone unless asked. I never did this until it was too late, and this drove a huge wedge between me and one of my children. So much, that the child went to live with the toxic witch. Try and be objective between the two, the younger ones often do annoy the older ones because they always want to be with them etc. It is hard when there is a big age gap. Who winds who up first, it won't always be the same person. Pull them both for it. You are to blame (in her world) because she has this annoying little baby that constantly wants to play with her, talk to her, watch films with her etc and she sometimes wants space and the younger one doesn't understand it fully.

WhatsForDinner100 Fri 03-Oct-14 12:49:35

Lovelymuffins, I hope things have improved for you with your dd. If so, would love to know what worked, as I'm in the same position.

Dd is 13 Y9 (young for her year group). To be honest, she has always been a challenge right from the start; she had incredible toddler tantrums and has been a handful at school when she's not been challenged enough. At primary school, she was at her best with the teachers who really kept her busy (other kids didn't necessarily get on with those teachers, but it worked for her). If she disliked a teacher, I would find that she stole things from them, e.g. phones etc, even though she knows right from wrong - she was just angry.

Now she tells me to fuck off, as I'm interfering in her life. Some moments are good and she enjoys a cuddle in front of a chic flit or going for a walk together, but mention that she looks better without makeup, ought to revise for exams, let me know before she arranges to go out with friends in case we're doing something different etc and I get the storm.

DS is so much easier. I agree with lovelymuffins that their personality is with them from the start. Some parents here have come across as smug, but really they haven't had as much input as they would like to think.

Now she's really messing about at school and doesn't care about detentions, when a few years ago she thrived on learning and was praised for it.

Oh joy.

despomum41 Fri 03-Oct-14 21:07:27

Lovelymuffins my heart goes out to you as for the couple of people who are quick to blame the parents God forbide yours dont turn on you as well , we try and bring up our kids right but once the hormones kick in it affects them in different ways my mum always told me i became quiet and shy unlike my dd she is totally the opposite .

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