Should I keep appointment with Community Policeofficer

(41 Posts)
HaggisandTatties Sun 08-Apr-12 15:05:07

I am 42 single mum for 10 years to my 13year old son. His father dips in and out of his life every couple of years and there isnt a relationship there. My son always got that male influence via my father - who is now seriously ill and has been for past 4 months, so he has lost that very important influence. My son is a lovely boy but this year his temper has been rearing its head. Three weeks ago when we were rowing he came running at me and pushed me hard against the kitchen worktop. He was so angry - even later when calmed down he kept justifying why he done that. I was heartbroken. Yesterday when in the car with him an argument started and my son started screaming and ranting at me telling me how much he has hated me for a long time, how much my whole family hates me and that he doesnt want to live with me now. He was being so cruel in the things he was screaming at me and then he slapped me on the back of the head.

Wow this is very hard to type all this

I was in total shock. Got home with him and let things calm down. Never in my entire life have I felt like the way I did yesterday. I was so devastated I wanted to die - I wanted to run away. I decided I was going to go and packed a bag and called a friend in Inverness asking to come up and stay - she asked no questions as obvious I was very upset, and told me to come up. When i went in to speak to my son he totally broke down - never saw him that way before. He cried so hard for over an hour begging forgiveness. I cancelled my trip and we talked. I explained though that the fact he has hit me now twice in 3 weeks tells me there is a big problem. Much to his disgust I telephoned my local police station and have an appointment to take him down Tuesday at 6pm for a chat with a community Police officer - its a team that deal with teenagers and can help guide them back on the right path. I am not taking him there to get into any sort of trouble - but I think a male police officer taking words of wisdom to my son will help so much as he has absolutely NO male influence at all now in his life.

Can I add that my son is not a little boy - he is nearly 6ft in height and weighs 14stone.

Please can you tell me what you think - I am so distressed and dont know if this will make things worse?

TheLastHairyBunnyHop Sun 08-Apr-12 15:11:02

Christ, you poor, poor thing sad.

I can only give you dispassionate advice, as I don't have a son of 13 (just girls). Perhaps someone more experienced will disagree with me. But I think it's very important that you DO keep this appointment. He has to know that he is not allowed to abuse you in this way - and I use that word because that is what he is drifting into. He's given himself "permission" to hit you now, and he needs a good shock to stop him. He has to know that this will not be tolerated and that you will not keep it a secret. If you can stop it now, you may well be doing a service not only to yourself, but to other young women in the future, and to him as well.

HaggisandTatties Sun 08-Apr-12 15:16:31

Bunnyhop thank you so much for replying - you have written quite clearly what I have been unsuccessfully trying to say.

I am so tired and worn out with this as I have told nobody about this - I dont want to tell anybody about it - I am so ashamed of what he has done.

HappyCamel Sun 08-Apr-12 15:17:43

I think keeping the appointment will help him see that his behaviour is unacceptable, that he needs help and that you mean what you say. It could be the best thing you ever do for him, teaching him respect and getting him skilled help when he needs it most.

It must be so hard for you but you must have seen threads on here about husbands and partners who don't control their temper and think begging forgiveness is enough. If they'd had help right at the beginning of that behaviour their whole lives and those of their family could have been much happier.

HaggisandTatties Sun 08-Apr-12 15:20:01

HappyCamel I have just joined the site but yes I agree with your point wholeheartedly re the begging of forgiveness and thats now made this even more serious as this does need to be stopped.

I am feeling a huge sense of relief talking about this - thank you

ghosteditor Sun 08-Apr-12 15:24:09

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time OP. I don't speak from experience but my instinct is to say that you must definitely keep the appointment. Your son must see that there are serious consequences to his behaviour, and if the PCO does his job properly, your son should benefit from having someone else to talk to. Teens do indeed get angry but there's no excuse for hitting a family member.

I hope you can work something out soon.

insancerre Sun 08-Apr-12 15:24:22

yes, keep the appointment. They will be able to point you in the right direction for the support and help you both obviously need.
DD has counselling at high school for some issues that she has been dealing with- there is help out there

HappyCamel Sun 08-Apr-12 15:24:31

Good, I think he needs to see it isn't all about him, how he feels angry or he feels sorry. It's about how his victim feels and how that doesn't go away just because he wants it to.

You'll find lots of support here. We're a helpful bunch but we can be a bit blunt!

GinPalace Sun 08-Apr-12 15:27:57

I think what is important is that you stick to what you say you are going to do. If you have told him it is happening, it must... he needs to know you don't tolerate the behaviour and however you choose to deal with it is what will happen i.e you dictate the consequences not him.

However, it is very hard to predict who will make the 'penny drop' or have an influence on his thinking. I remember from being young that my parents would occasionally get someone to talk to me to have a certain chat... but often it was the random chat with the lovely old lady at the bus stop which actually got me thinking and influenced the choices I made.

He may despise the CPO, or appear to at the time, or it may help - who knows. You must stick to what you say though but also give him the ability to be forgiven and make a better choice next time - don't rub his nose in it.

It could be helpful to come up with a long term plan to - to expand his horizons and get him to meet more people who will be a positive influence, this could also be an opportunity to find an outlet for his energy/testosterone/grief - maybe join a sport club with a self discipline ethos like martial arts, or something which demands consideration of others like a team sport like rowing etc?

GinPalace Sun 08-Apr-12 15:30:40

Also - his substitute Dad is seriously ill (and I am really sorry to hear of this happening to you - hope you have someone giving you hugs over all this - what a hard time) - he maybe handling his worry/grief/anger over that very badly - can you talk about this with him - get some help with that too?

HaggisandTatties Sun 08-Apr-12 15:32:51

I am really overwhelmed by the responses from you all. Its just such a huge relief to talk about it.

I am now, without a doubt, going to keep this appointment.

HaggisandTatties Sun 08-Apr-12 15:38:47

GinPalace

My father is now bedbound and been in hospital since December - he is only 64 and the medication he is on has left him totally confused as well - its like we have already lost him as I dont recognise him anymore - its horrible.

On top of that, puberty has arrived in our house massively and I dont have any males to speak to about this - I am constantly googling "Puberty"!!

And to make me sound more pathetic - no I dont have anyone to give me a hug! I keep most things to myself - but what I would do for a big cuddle off someone.!!

insancerre Sun 08-Apr-12 15:40:06

haggis, what is the pastoral care like at Ds's school? It is fantastic at DD's school- they have pastoral haeads of year as well as academic ones and the school nurse has an office and will see anyone. If you could talk to somebody at the school I am sure they will be able to help your DS

HaggisandTatties Sun 08-Apr-12 16:01:11

insancerre, My son just started high school in August and tbh I dont know what the pastoral care is like - I havent thought about that either. I will see what happens on Tuesday after speaking to the Community Officer and will post up an update.

I am going to go for a very long hot bath. I was still up cleaning my kitchen at 4am this morning - I pulled everything out of all the cupboards - was the workings of a mad woman and I have never been like that before.

At least I have a clean organised kitchen now smile

GinPalace Sun 08-Apr-12 16:04:58

You and your ds are really going through the mill aren't you!!?? I would give you a hooge hug!

So, he is at one of the most sensitive ages there is for emotional see-sawing, he is hitting puberty and his closest male relative has effectively gone. sad for him and you with the weight of it all on your shoulders too.

I think some creative thinking to help him out should be going along with the discipline aspects of not tolerating his aggression.

Is there any club he might like to join? What are his friends' Dads like? Is there any avenue for widening his horizons?

thanks

ToothbrushThief Sun 08-Apr-12 16:14:07

A friend's son did this. It got worse and worse. She hid it from everyone. She had a young daughter and was terrified he would hurt her in the rages but he always picked on his mother.

She was advised by 'some teenage advisory service' (sorry can't remember who) that if he did this as an adult, he'd have a criminal record. She was advised to call the police the next time it happened so he'd get treated as a juvenile. She didn't. It happened again. Repeat

Eventually she called them and he spent a night in the police cell. It never happened again. He is now a lovely man and has a good relationship with his mother.

A shockingly upsetting event for them both but necessary.

Rezolution Sun 08-Apr-12 16:20:10

Haggis Keep the appointment because if you don't he will see it as a sign of weakness. You need to show strength and a bit of back-up goes a long way brew thanks

flow4 Sun 08-Apr-12 18:26:55

Haggis, I have been in a similar situation. It is devastating. I have had similar instincts to run away, and weep uncontrollably, etc... I called 999 on my son a couple of weeks ago because he lost his temper and was very frightening: he smashed things up, threw things at me, kicked a door off its hinges, broke a window and waved a knife around. There have been two previous occasions in the past couple of years when he has been physically threatening to me and I have called 999... On those occasions I decided not to have him arrested, but this time I did. You probably don't need the full, gory details, but there are a couple of things I did not realise that I think it is useful to know:

- The police who attended were very kind to me and very clear that it was domestic abuse. They also said it was much more common than you might guess, especially with single mothers and sons. In fact, while they were still with me taking my statement, another similar call came through on the police radio. I found it reassuring (that's not quite the right word but it's the best I can find) to know that there are other women having the same sorts of experiences. It is definitely taboo, so that's not something you'd necessarily find out yourself, especially if you're a private person.

- The worst bit was after he was interviewed, bailed and released. The police assumed I would have him back. At the time I did not feel safe to do this, and I was taken totally by surprise that they just assumed it. I had not thought what the alternative would be at all - I had not thought past his arrest. I pointed out that as things stood, I was a victim of a crime he had admitted, and that if he was an adult they would not even be suggesting that I should have him back in the house. There is a problem because there is not enough social services provision for teenage boys. BUT if you find yourself in this situation (I hope you don't) I would say that you need to think about your safety as well as his. If you ever have your son arrested for being violent towards you, do NOT have him back unless or until you are certain he will not be violent again. There are always other options. It sounds desperate, but basically, it IS desperate, because mothers don't call the police on their children unless they are desperate sad

- I worried terribly about 'giving' my son a criminal record. However, the outcome is that he has been given a 'final warning' - the step before a formal caution - so he effectively has a second chance. I don't know what the system is in Scotland, but I bet it is similar, or even better, because the English system is generally more punitive for young people.

- The youth offending team (YOT) is now involved, and various additional support and intervention is available, that wasn't before, and that I think we really need. We had a very useful 2 hour session with a specialist police officer. We are being offered mediation. My son has been referred for a drugs assessment. My younger son may be able to get counselling or at least some kind of informal support... Last but definitely not least (as far as I am concerned) it is such a relief to be able to talk openly to people (the YOT team) about what has been going on with my son.

- The best thing about it is that my son has been making a real effort to behave better. He ran away to avoid being arrested, and I then refused him access to our home until I had been able to talk to him and be sure he wasn't still feeling angry and violent, so he slept on people's sofas for 4 nights. He really didn't like it, and he realised how close he had come to being homeless. Most importantly, he seems to have realised that (as he put it himself) "If someone was treating me the way I have been treating you, I wouldn't want to live with them either".

It isn't all roses; it isn't any kind of 'miracle cure'; he has still done some horrible things in the last couple of weeks and I am still feeling stressed/ill about it all... BUT by involving the police (a) I now have a bit of support, and (b) I have drawn a very clear line and told my son I will NOT tolerate any violence ever again. I have decided in my own head that I will throw him out if he is ever violent towards me or his brother again. I am weighing up risks, and it is hugely stressful because on the one hand, I don't want to do that because obviously it will be hard and horrible for him if I do, but on the other hand, I can't continue to live as I had been living, and it's not fair on my younger son, and it is better for him in the long run (I believe) if he grows up learning that violence and intimidation towards other people are not ever acceptable.

Keep that appointment. Good luck.

GinPalace Sun 08-Apr-12 21:25:36

Flow4 it is generous of you to share your hard story and hope things improve for you and your family soon. thanks

Brightspark1 Sun 08-Apr-12 22:45:56

I am in same situation, DD has mental health problems, and has lashed out at me on several occasions, banging my head against wall etc she is six inches taller than me and heavier, so I have been powerless against her. The last time it happened ,the social worker happened to ring in the middle of it all and rang the police. She was arrested but not charged as they have a local policy of using restorative justice, a mixture of community service and discussion about the effect of what she did. This avoids her getting a record which would scupper any chance of turning her life around. I will be posting on how it goes. She was terribly upset and remorseful, but then she always has been but it didn't stop it happening again and again. She is now in care and I miss her terribly, but she seems calmer and happier. She has actually applied to college for next year instead of refusing to think about it, they say she is polite and well behaved, and she is... With everyone else. Hopefully this will be the wake up call she needs.
Keep the appointment, he obviously needs help and support to manage his anger.
P.S. I know what you mean about the cleaning, every cupboard has been turned out, walls have been replanted ( though DD had scrawled Fuck you on various walls and carpets) it has been my way of coping, very out of character!
Hang in there and accept all the help you're offered. I can only offer my support and empathy, no answers.

flow4 Sun 08-Apr-12 23:28:39

Thanks GinPalace, though I'm not sure if anyone should listen to me: it has all gone a bit pear-shaped this evening sad
(Details here if you want to know)

HaggisandTatties Mon 09-Apr-12 11:32:51

Flow4 I am so sorry to hear whats happened to you. Its just heartbreaking. I was really touched by your previous post and was obvious how emotional this all is. I have just read your latest post on the other thread and I am truly sorry this has happened. I hope you are getting lots of support.

Reading through all the replies here really has reinforced how important it is to take my son to the police station tomorrow - there is no doubts now. He has been as good as gold (of course he has!!) and I still havent told anybody whats happened. I dont want to BUT he thinks I have told my family - I wanted him to feel ashamed at his actions..................and felt if he thought it was just between him and I it would be easier for him to deal with the shame and to forget it quicker and I dont want that - that doesnt make sense but it does to me!!

This website has been invaluable to me - this is the worst time of my parenting life I have ever experienced and I cant thank you all enough for helping me

flow4 Mon 09-Apr-12 13:26:40

Brightspark and Haggis, if you have any more urges for house-working frenzy, could you come and do my house, please?! I have had the opposite reaction to all the stress and chaos at home, and I am so tired I can barely make a cup of tea, so my place is now a complete mess confused

AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb Mon 09-Apr-12 13:32:17

I just wanted to try to give you some comfort...my brother was like your son..but not twice...many times...he is 43 now and has a great job and a lovely nature, friends and a fiancee...he's not violent at all...he had a touch teenage-hood. He ha a great Dad so it's not always down to that....take care, you're doing the right thing.

Brightspark1 Mon 09-Apr-12 16:41:30

Please let us know how the appointment goes. If you haven't told anyone what has been happening, it leaves you coping with this alone with no support which it sounds as if you badly need at the moment. It is very hard to share things like this in real life, I find it very difficult as I feel so ashamed and responsible for letting things get out of hand and not getting help sooner. I have been very careful who I tell, I have shared DD's MH problems, but very few people know about the violence, the few I have told have been amazingly supportive and non judgemental. Even though (or maybe because ) we are a two parent family, I have found support or just a shoulder to cry on invaluable. Is there no one to hold your hand and give you a hug?

HaggisandTatties Mon 09-Apr-12 21:38:05

The irony of all of this is - I grew up with horrendous violence. If I or my brothers/sister done something wrong, we got well and truly battered for it - big time. Leather belts, fists - even whipped with a garden cane on one occasion. I always said if I became a parent I would NEVER hit my child - and I havent. I raise my voice, shout, scream, anything but violence. So I just dont know why he seems to have this in him.

I was married for 15years and have never told my husband any of that - I have never told anybody any of that. That is one of the reasons why I cant talk to my brothers n sister about it. That word "violence" is a word we never use and for me to say whats going on...........I just cant.

This website has got more out of me in 24 hours than anyone else has in 3/4 decades.

My father stopped his violence on the 19th October 1985 - night before I turned 16. I ran away. When I got brought back home I absolutely begged and pleaded to be taken to the police station or a childrens home - anywhere than with him. He promised me it would stop - and it did. It took years before we had any sort of relationship and now he is seriously ill and doesnt know what day of the week it is.

This site is like therapy.

Sometimes over the years I have tried to bring it up with my mum and she has always looked shocked, like she doesnt know what am talking about - yet she was always there and would always end up having to tell him "right thats enough stop it" SHE SHOULD HAVE BLOODY WELL STOPPED IT BEFORE IT STARTED.

I am in floods of tears reliving all of this, but wanted to emphasis why my current situation is bringing back my past and its haunting me massively.

Okay, so who do I make the cheque out too!!

HaggisandTatties Mon 09-Apr-12 21:39:42

wow - am off to walk the dog...................fresh air needed!!!!!!!

Selks Mon 09-Apr-12 21:49:40

Yes keep that appointment but I'd also look for counselling for him - he could perhaps benefit from talking things through with someone, eg he may have worries about his dad etc. his school may have a school counsellor.

flow4 Mon 09-Apr-12 22:50:19

Bloody hell, Haggis. How are you feeling after your walk? You've just told us about your experiences of physical abuse as a child, so I expect you will be feeling some powerful emotions - probably good and bad. I want to say WELL DONE to you, for a start smile thanks

It's an amazing step, and really positive, even if it's difficult - because there is strong evidence that this kind of 'disclosure' is linked to resolving trauma, and all kinds of good effects on mental health.

There are bound to be links between your feelings when you were abused by your father, and your reactions to being abused by your son. I wouldn't presume to tell you what they are. But I do want to say one thing to you very, very clearly (and I apologise if you already know this but I don't want to leave it unsaid, in case you don't...) - it wasn't your fault that you were abused by your father, and it isn't your fault you have been abused by your son. IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT. hugs

I'm also guessing there will be some complicated, maybe confused, emotions about your mother and yourself, then and now. You are rightly angry that your mother did not protect you from abuse as a child. You also deserve protection now, as an adult. The difficult thing is that, now, you need to protect yourself. By taking steps to do that now, by not allowing your son to carry on hurting you like your father hurt you, you are doing the right thing, and a brave thing, and you are breaking a bad 'pattern'. GOOD FOR YOU, WELL DONE!! smile

Elie11 Mon 09-Apr-12 22:55:01

Haggis - thank you for your honest and moving story. I'm sure you know that you're not alone - either here or in RL. I hope tomorrow's appointment is a step forward for your son and for you. From all that you've written, it's pretty clear to me that your son needs and wants you desperately. So many emotions, so much going on in his young life to cloud his judgement.

I hope that once you're both in, the 'system' will give your child the help he needs and you the support you need and thoroughly deserve.

Just to say, your post chimed with me, too, - one of my DSs, quite a bit older than your son, would have benefitted hugely from contact with youth offending, or something similar. Now he's over that age and adult provision doesn't seem quite right - there doesn't seem to be anything for the in-betweens.

Anyway, I'll be thinking of you both tomorrow. Trust that it's a step in the right direction - take care of yourself (and I agree with others - violence against you, his mother, is totally unacceptable - if he doesn't know that, he really must) - and consider other services too. School has been mentioned, for instance. Your son is very young - he has that much on his side, as well as a mum who clearly loves him very much.

Forget the mess in your kitchen. (You should see mine!) If you're not in bed yet, have a http://www.mumsnet.com/te/brew.gif or even a http://www.mumsnet.com/te/wine.gif and get a peaceful night's sleep.

xx

Elie11 Mon 09-Apr-12 22:59:18

Err - tried to get the smileys into the message. Sorry, didn't work!

ToothbrushThief Mon 09-Apr-12 23:10:14

haggis - words fail me. Keep talking. It's really good to say this stuff out loud and sift through your feelings, binning the crap and holding onto the bits that mean something.

One thing yelled out loud and clear from that post - your dad stopped when the police threat became real and likely

He was an adult and knew the consequence and knew it was real.

Teenagers think they are invincible. Your son probably thinks you won't go through with this. He needs to believe you will.

SundaeGirl Mon 09-Apr-12 23:40:18

OP, well done. You are coping brilliantly, it's really good that you are getting this 'out there' - although I realise it's horrible to be going through.

HaggisandTatties Mon 09-Apr-12 23:45:51

I feel relieved to have added that last part to my story. What my son done - brought everything back to me - I felt like the young child again - and helpless to do anything.

Sometimes, over the years, I have thought about counselling - but now I wouldnt consider it. My father is so ill now -he is the weak one and I am not......... and we did build a relationship - a good one - over the past ten years. Am sure he must regret what he done - to all 4 of us. Strangely enough I am pretty sure he never hit my mother - I have heard him in the past boast of that i.e how he would never lift his hand to a woman..............

Isnt it strange how young children can show such loyalty to people who hurt them badly. Yet currently I find myself in this horrendous situation where a child who has been treated lovingly i.e my son, has assaulted me twice in the past 3 weeks.

Excuse me while I feel sorry for myself sad

I will post up tomorrow night how the appointment went. Once again thank you so so much to everyone who has helped me. You dont know how much this has touched me.

ToothbrushThief Tue 10-Apr-12 00:21:30

It's unfair isn't it? Your Dad hit you and your son attacks you. It must be screwing your head up wondering why. What has caused this?...

The answer is possibly (just possibly because I don't know anyone) that your Dad knew no better. It might have been a spare the rod/spoil the child viewpoint which allowed him to think it was ok...... but then his lack of self control made it more than wrong.

Your son is a teenager. A bag of hormones/fears/arrogance/peer pressure lead/wham bam hitting life before they can actually deal with it mess who thinks that he can take it out on you because parents always love you..right?

The first situation you can only deal with by reflection but recognise it was your father's fault not yours.

The second.... well he does need a clear absolute no second chances message that THIS IS NOT EVER going to be tolerated. You love him but are not his punch bag for frustration.

Could you consider talking to your son about your childhood?

flow4 Tue 10-Apr-12 00:55:50

Hmmmm, Toothbrush, maybe Haggis could talk to her son about her childhood at some point, but I'm not sure it would be a good idea to do it yet... She needs to disentangle it in her own head first I think, and be clear about her own feelings, and maybe let some difficult emotions play out/resolve. For example, it is very common for people who have been abused to feel guilty, at least at first... But if Haggis conveyed any sense of guilt to her son, it might leave him with the impression that his violence was her fault, which would not be good.

I have struggled with my own teenage son thinking that I got him arrested rather than his own violence got him arrested... I think teens are often inclined to blame their parents for everything anyway hmm and their egos are often the size of planets - and I have definitely felt that I needed to be strong and clear in my own head about things to counter that.

ToothbrushThief Tue 10-Apr-12 07:31:52

Totally agree flow! Now would be bad for Haggis and also son would dismiss it in favour of examining his own issues.

We love our teens but even on a good day they have egos as you say...the size of planets often mixed with insecurity etc

It's like a bomob recipe

Brightspark1 Tue 10-Apr-12 19:34:15

Haggis - read your post with lump in my throat. Can't add anything useful to what the other two have said. Maybe counselling would be useful for you at some point- but you have to pick the right time for you. Can't work these emoticons, but here's a virtual hug.

HaggisandTatties Tue 10-Apr-12 21:03:36

Hi everyone.

Well we kept the appointment - and I wish I never. We got a WPC in her early twenties. She took me in first and after I told her what happened she told me that the community police are NOT there to parent troublesome teenagers, but she would take a report of the "incident" and a copy of that would be sent to SOCIAL SERVICES due to him being charged.........and his school would be informed.

There is NO WAY I wanted any of that - I can say hand on heart that this wpc kept asking me why I didnt want this incident of assault made into an offical complaint - OMFG SERIOUSLY???

I told her I wanted my son to be spoken to - to be given some stern guidance and made aware of the consequences if there was ever to be a reoccurrence - she said that she could only repeat what she said initally that they are not there to parent troublesome kids. She asked me why I hadnt done any of that - I said I HAD but I felt that a talk from a police officer would have much more of an effect.

I was made to feel like an idiot because I didnt want to press charges against my son - THAT WAS NEVER AN OPTION. I told her I was leaving - she knew I was livid. She said she would speak to my son and tell him that his behaviour is appalling but to be honest by that point I had absolutely no confidence in anything that was coming out of her mouth.

The ONLY good thing that came out of this is my son was sitting outside the room absolutely crapping himself - I was in the room for a good half hour - by the time I left the room the tears were tripping him and he was so scared. When I told him we were leaving he threw his arms around me with pure relief - he was shaking and I am glad he was in that state.

I am so disappointed by this - but a huge positive for me is that my problems led me to this website and to you amazing people who have taken the time to post up to me advice and words of comfort. Its all honestly helped me so much.

Elie11 Tue 10-Apr-12 23:48:20

Haggis - hi. So sorry this happened - this was not the way to go for the Police. Opting out, making some daft (and fairly obvious) statement about not parenting troublesome teenagers. OK but what DO they do, other than 'report' and 'refer'.

I think I'd have done what you did - take my boy home. How have things been since then? The start of something? I hope you get REAL help and support elsewhere. And that for your son those moments of sitting wondering what the hell was going to happen mark a turning point.

flow4 Wed 11-Apr-12 06:58:50

Oh Haggis, how frustrating. I'm sorry you struck unlucky with the police and had this experience sad

When I refused to have my son home immediately after his arrest, I had one silly young female copper tell me on the phone it was time for me to take parental responsibility... I was so angry I hung up, and so upset I wept for a couple of hours. I felt so judged. Later, it turned out she had also been stupid enough to say something similar to, or in front of, my son - which had an undermining effect. I made a complaint a few days later, because I felt so strongly that it was unhelpful and unprofessional of her to undermine someone struggling to 'parent' a challenging teen, especially in my situation when I had recently been assaulted and had my house trashed by him. The sergeant who dealt with my complaint agreed, and also had the sense to see that parents don't involve the police as a first resort, but out of near-desperation. I hope the young woman concerned learned something.

I reckon I have now had contact with about 8-9 police officers because of my son. Two were fools, like your one; the others have been fine and a couple have been great. Don't rule out contacting them again if you need to. Your son needs to know you WILL call the police if he ever hurts or frightens you again. And you DO need to do it, if it happens.

It sounds like he has been shocked by all this. I hope he has been shocked enough. I hope it never happens again. smile

The other thing I thought of is anger management... Your son may benefit from help with this... Your GP may be able to refer him...

Good luck smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now