My obnoxious teenage daughter has brought out the worst in me!

(36 Posts)
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Wed 02-Nov-11 10:02:41

Can't believe I'm the adult and I actually heard myself arguing with her, making bitchy remarks, bickering back and uttering the immortal words

"you started it"

to my 14 year old dd.

I'm a grown-up FFS. How did I stoop to that level?

What can I do about the relentless cheek and back-chat and sarky comments - she even had the effing cheek to complain about me on the 1-1 chat on childline website because I dared to shout at her!!!!!

Somebody help!!!!!!

GypsyMoth Wed 02-Nov-11 10:05:20

Ignore ignore ignore

I find it works. Turn your back and start a conversation with someone else

My dd shuts up I'd I call her ' a silly little girl'
She seems to like the reference to being a little girl still, which tells me she is feeling out of her depth

Pick your battles with teens I have been told

GypsyMoth Wed 02-Nov-11 10:05:59

Why was she on childline?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Wed 02-Nov-11 10:08:02

thanks ILoveTiffany - god it's hard to ignore all the time though. And sometimes for their own good you have to say something.

I like "silly little girl" - might use that one.

Have you ever got sucked in like that? and responded?

I'm off for a massage later - thank God!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Wed 02-Nov-11 10:09:05

she was on a 1-1 chat thingy on the childline website complaining that i was verbally abusive - yes I shouted at her, call SS.

GypsyMoth Wed 02-Nov-11 10:11:31

Oh yes. I do get involved. And like you, hear myself and think wtf?

I really try to walk away...... But with my other dd I often find myself 3 days later saying 'told you so' when I'm proved right!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Wed 02-Nov-11 10:15:22

aww thanks for making me feel a bit better.

I just looked at that childline website and it looks really good actually. a place where kids can offload their problems and get support from others in the same circumstances. A lot like Mumsnet in fact.

Mrsrobertduvall Wed 02-Nov-11 13:15:18

Oh I have a dd like that too....suddenly I just let rip because the rudeness reaches an intolerable level.
We had a screaming match on Saturday, but we are both quick to say sorry.

We are human smile

2T2T Wed 09-Nov-11 10:52:09

OMG! Glad it's not jsut me. My dd (13) and I have bickering rows where I end up acting like the child! soooo annoying.Pretty much everything she does right now is irritating! I love her so much but she is the most annoying and selfish creature on the planet. She absolutely does believe the world really should revolve around her

vicster44 Wed 09-Nov-11 23:19:13

Just joined Mumsnet looking for help and support in dealing with dd (13). So glad (if that is the right thing to say) to see that others are in the same boat. Really struggling to deal with her selfishness and loathing of any adult who attempts to offer her advice about school work (boring!) or anything else for that matter. Also really annoyed at my reaction to her behaviour - I agree 2T2T I end up as the child and she wastes no time telling me that too!

Crumbletopping Thu 10-Nov-11 08:40:58

Me too sad. Really struggling with the fact my dd seems to no longer need me apart from as an unpaid servant. And the fact that I have to be patient and mature during this phase hmm.

wine

2T2T Thu 10-Nov-11 09:13:01

Victster/Crumbletopping _ I echo your sentiments on both counts. Also, my dd is completely and totally obsessed with 1 Direction to the point that we argue daily because I refuse to let her trawl across the country stalkng them. "but EVERYONE else is allowed!" so I suggest that she goes with one of the other many friends who are allowed an then we learn that they cannot go either. She has also lost her ability to make a decision about ANYTHING!!!! Drives me batty!!!
Crumble - the trouble is they need us more than ever but they just can't see it! It is so hard not to feel like you are buggering this bit up. I honestly didn't think it would be this difficult! My dd was always so mild natured and kind....where has she gooooonnnnneeee?!?!? confusedsad

RubyrooUK Thu 10-Nov-11 10:11:26

NotSuch - I think I was once your teenage daughter. I drove my poor mum to some mental behaviour (accidentally breaking down bedroom door by taunting her; goading her to smack me until she lost it and then shouting that I was going to ring Childline on her.)

blush

I was full of hormones and the injustice of pretty much everything. I believed that no-one felt things as deeply as me.

Can't offer any advice but my full sympathies an if it's any consolation I absolutely adore my mum now, we laugh about this all (she has erased her memory and thinks I was an angel) and I grew up to be a (mainly) useful member of society.

CabbitMel Thu 17-Nov-11 13:19:16

It's a tough one. Hang in there. Try to ignore. Shout if you need to, be quick to make up. She will come through the storm of teenage hormones.

Ooh, another good tip - at the end of a day when you pick her up/she comes home from school - expect the worst and often you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Good luck (I am going through it too !!)

Beaniesprout Mon 21-Nov-11 14:35:33

I actually joined Mumsnet today for the very same issue. My dd is 12 and doesn't really speak to me unless she is complaining or whining. It's driving me up the wall. I try to take a deep breath and keep calm but it's very difficult......I feel I am regressing totally from a 41 year old confident and calm(ish!) Mum back to a teenager myself. I was in tears when she left for school this morning and threatened fostering to her - how childish was I? Feel like I should try and keep mature and lead by example but that seems to be easier said than done at the moment.....

Earlybird Mon 21-Nov-11 15:03:48

Right there with you, though dd is younger (almost 11).

I do get sucked in. If I ignore, worry that I am a doormat and showing her I will tolerate (and perhaps am even indirectly encouraging her) rude/disrespectful comments.

Small example: I spent all yesterday afternoon cooking/doing laundry while she had a friend over. Friend left, and it was time for dd to practise her music. I sat down to watch the news on telly, and she angrily commented on how lucky I was to be able to relax while she had to 'work'. hmm angry shock When I did not respond, the comments escalated.

So here is a question: if the best strategy is ignore, ignore, ignore - how do you stop behaviour/comments escalating as they look to provoke you into a reaction?

verlainechasedrimbauds Mon 21-Nov-11 15:11:22

Sympathies to you all. It gets better eventually (I have 2dc now grown up).
In terms of ignoring, Here's my advice: I'm not sure that I ever managed this, but I'd like to think I didwink:
Earlbird's situation:
Give a measured response once. Then if they come back with an argument, tell them that you are going to ignore them because the comment is not worth responding to and then ignore them. That way, it is you in control rather than you in a sulk.
Sound good in theory?

Earlybird Mon 21-Nov-11 17:06:22

Glad to know it will improve.....in a few years!

Not only is she increasingly disrespectful and rude to me when we interact on specific issues, but she also is not receptive to any general constructive 'how to treat people so they'll respond better' sorts of conversations as she simply declares 'stop critisising me Mum' and promptly tunes out. <sigh>

Hassled Mon 21-Nov-11 17:09:59

I really sympathise. My DD is all grown up now (22) but when she was at her teenage worst I just seemed to sink to her level. She would be a complete cow, I would be a complete cow back. She'd shout, I'd want to shout louder. It took every ounce of self control I had.

I think teenage daughters just know exactly what buttons to push. No one in the world has ever wound me up as much or made me as angry as DD (at her worst) managed to. And yes, it does get better - she's lovely now. Even lovelier since she moved out wink.

Earlybird Mon 21-Nov-11 18:27:04

Hassled - how long did 'the difficult phase' last?

alemci Mon 21-Nov-11 18:44:27

It is hard, I have 2 dd 17 and 16. ED winds me up the most. It is better when neither of us are premenstrual. I have come to that conclusion.

I think walk away and ignore are best. Last week we had an argument and she was really nasty saying I did nothing for her etc etc even though I do run around after her and do everything I can to help. I told her to go (she was going to her job). I ignored her and she actually apologised the next day.

It is really hard and causes so much pain but hang in there. DS is much easier.

michglas Mon 21-Nov-11 18:50:39

I used to do volunteer work for childline and the 1-2-1 service is where you speak to a counsellor online. I highlighted to DD1 that by threatening to use this service or ringing them, she was taking away from someone else's ability to reach Childline and that person could be in a really abusive unsafe situation.

She has been horrendous over the past few years with almighty outbursts and no thought to anyone else. She is nearly 16 now and has calmed down a lot. I learnt that if i screamed and shouted at her then it kept her going for even longer. It is really hard, but the silent treatment really does work. I still have days when I wonder whether I could get away with leaving home smile

Loving this thread! My 13 yr old is exactly the same but very lovely at the same time. Frustrating! The arguing with everything is so wearing though. 15 round tonight on shutting the cat flap........

chickydoo Mon 21-Nov-11 18:57:50

My DD 16, and (say this quietly) she is getting so much better, actually offers to do the washing, and go to the shops for me, infact we have really turned a corner!....YIPPIE!!!! my 13 year old son on the other hand is from a different planet, he is I am sure the laziest creature to walk the face of the earth.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Nov-11 18:58:38

oh, I feel your pain

HighHeidYin Mon 21-Nov-11 19:04:45

Rubyroo what a lovely post. I hope dd1 turns out just like you.

Hassled, I agree with you regarding the anger you can feel. The rage I experience when being pushed by dd1 is terrifying. She is 18 now and fortunately our arguments do seem to be decreasing but she can still press my buttons like no other. I'm ashamed at the way I have reacted to her in the past.

I'm hoping that we can forget about the last few years and have a good relationship from now on but I'm not sure if that is possible. There is a definite personality clash between us and I worry that there might always be tension between us.

Sorry OP, not really helpful.

Hassled Mon 21-Nov-11 19:47:06

Earlybird - hard to say. I know my first post on MN was about her and that was 2006, so she would have been 16/17, but that was after some years of her being a nightmare off and on. This is why it's hard to know - amongst all the hideousness, there were little pockets of loveliness and thoughtfulness.

And in her case, it was complicated by a diagnosis of depression at 17 - hard now to know what was being a teenager and what was depression. But that night I first posted here I was in tears, in absolute despair.

said Mon 21-Nov-11 19:59:55

<Laughing in manic relief at this thread> I recognise all of these posts re my own 14-year old. I know it's a calmer household when I can manage the ignore strategy (and I can, mostly, manage this) but, I think we've synchronised.... It's not pretty.

TheOriginalFAB Mon 21-Nov-11 20:06:57

My 8 year old has been shockingly rude to me today.

nomorefrizz Mon 21-Nov-11 21:51:39

This thread is so timely for me. Came on Mums net after a humdinger with my 13 year old daughter - she screamed at me for not getting her some craft stuff she had demanded. It made me furious because I feel she thinks I am her servant and told her so! I actually said I felt like leaving home because her and her 2 brothers are so disrespectful towards me and got fully engaged in the argument. She is now upstairs unable to watch I"m a Celebrity (what punishment!) All sounds so ridiculous now. Will try much harder not to fight back next time blush wine

howmanydaysleftuntil Tue 22-Nov-11 16:16:09

Oooh, my dd is 16 now and still at it! Told me this morning I must have taken/moved/hidden £2.50 she had left on her bedside cabinet. I offered her a £10 note (all I had in my purse), but had it thrown back at me because it was the CHANGE she needed!!

Decided to adopt CabbitMel's approach and expect the worst when I picked her up from school. And she was lovely to me - for all of about 5 minutes when she got a "no" to "can I have a New Years' Eve party?". Am now getting the silent treatment. Still, DH is away tonight too - think I'll just snuggle in my bed with book..........

velomum Tue 22-Nov-11 23:07:19

no chickydoo my DS 17 is! He does absolutley zilch unless someone stands over him and watches his every move. however, he does have a lot going on in his life so i guess we should cut some slack but he is maddening! hopefully he'll grow out of it one day. Don't think i was any better myself - in fact i definitely wasn't!

INTHEBLUE Wed 23-Nov-11 19:20:55

I don't know what to do about my 13yr daughter Today I been called a bitch had things thrown at me before she ran off I try to ignore her but she just gets in my face & when she doesn't get a reaction from me. She starts to wind up her older brother when he's trying to study & then I start getting really angry with her. I'm dreading when she comes home. I don't know what to do with her. if I ignore her & let it pass she'll think its ok to swear at us & be so nasty. or do I punish her (grounding or taking phone away) & have the argument drag on & cause more grief sad

mrsravelstein Wed 23-Nov-11 19:25:36

i've got a 10 year old ds who is behaving like this already. i have suggested he thinks about going to boarding school as he is so vile and sarcastic to me all the time (while being incredibly charming to everyone outside the home, his school teacher actually came out to see me the other day to tell me how wonderful and helpful he had been, parents of other kids comment on what a pleasure he is to have round for tea etc).

Dizzymare25 Wed 23-Nov-11 23:56:51

Well I have on,y just joined tonight and am typing this after nearly a bottle of wine following a row with my dd. My girl is 15 and I love her to pieces. Sometimes our relationship is great. She talks to me a lot about her friends and her bf and I try to be as supportive as I can. I organise girly days out at the theatre, take her and bf out etc and other times she talks to me Like I am dirt on her shoe - which I have real problems coping with. I don't swear but have just told her to f off and have confiscated her phone and computer until she can learn to communicate but I am gutted that I have reacted like this and feel like I have dug myself in a hole and feel so childish.

Superbitchmum Tue 29-Nov-11 01:00:03

I love MN, today especially, DD 13 decided this morning she could not go to school as she couldn't find her tie, had gotten upset and made her mascarra run. Cut long story short DD didn't go to sch instead snuck out of house, walked streets till neighbour spotted her and brought her home, all of which was about 1/2 hr and by which time I had discovered she was gone and had rang sch and police. When she returned neighbour had been tearfully told what a horrible pathetic parent I was, that I was forcing her to go to sch when she wasn't ready. Neighbour finally convinced DD to go back to sch after lunch (I'd suggested same thing but of course that 'wasn't going to happen'). Took to sch. picked up both children at end of day to be verbally and physically abused from minute DD walked in. Have to admit retalilated but when your forced into a corner, literally, you panic. Have tried ignoring and walking away but when your followed from room to room and the front and back doors are locked to keep you in - what do you do?

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