My daughter says she wishes she was dead

(13 Posts)
fluffycauliflower Fri 23-Sep-11 10:42:12

She is 11, in year 6. She used to have bad tantrums, these have stopped but she still has a lot of anger inside her and when she gets upset will tend to lie in her bed saying she wishes she was dead, she wishes she wasn't alive. Maybe this happens about once every two weeks. Other than this she is pretty normal girl, she has loads of friends, she is doing well at school. She is pretty lazy and doesn't put much effort into much.

I have always been worried about her. I saw a psychologist once privately for two sessions One of the things she said was that 'what you are desribing is normal'.

When my husband and I discuss it the only things we can come up with are for us to spend more time with her. She will say that she wishes she was only child, that she will only have one child when she is a mum. She's the middle of three girls. I have always been aware of the middle child thing and we have always spent one to one time with her, doing brownie badges, playing games, taking her on trips. I don't think we've done enough.

She also tends to speak angrily to me a lot of the time and says she hates me, I find dealing with her really stresful.

Please help, anyone.

Hullygully Fri 23-Sep-11 10:44:55

Oh poor you.

The only thing I can think of is maybe get her some counselling? Where she can talk about all the things that piss her off and feel special with her own non-shared person?

Tewkespeggy Fri 23-Sep-11 11:14:01

she sounds like shes having trouble adapting to the hormonal changes in her body. these moods sound cyclical.

the 'i want to die' thing... i hope... is just for effect, BUT you know your kid best and if she shows any sign of DOING/preparing get her seen by a doctor quick.

fluffycauliflower Fri 23-Sep-11 13:00:30

Hi, I hadn't thought aout being hormonally related because it just seems an extension of the anger she has always displayed at times, though turned inwards now. It would be a relief to me if it was hormonal.

I'm sceptical about whether counselling will really help. I fear that maybe she's too young and that too much reflection on it might make it worse. I wish she had a loving Grandma who could spend time with mer but MIL has passed away and my mum is cold and critical in general, though not always.

ImperialBlether Sun 25-Sep-11 12:20:21

Maybe something like CBT would be good, where they talk to her about ways to feel happier?

I would try to make her more active in some way. Is there something she could do like swimming that she would enjoy and that would help use her energy?

What about you going to a zumba class or similar and asking if she wants to go with you? The exercise and the company might help her.

Having said that, do you find she is taking up more of your time and energy than your other daughters?

RandomMess Sun 25-Sep-11 12:26:50

It does sound cyclical, our hormones actually increase every 2 weeks rather than once per month IYSWIM

Conundrumish Tue 27-Sep-11 12:14:33

A counsellor sounds like a good idea. I would be a bit relieved that she feels able to say she hates you because, although it is horrible to hear, it at least means she feels able to express herself with you.

ecoevolution Thu 29-Sep-11 16:50:49

Poor kid! I suffered terrible depression as a child, all through my teens and early twenties. Life was hell, so bleak and pointless. Everything emotionally hurt me and it felt like all the wrongs of the world were on my shoulders but I was too insignificant to be able to change anything. To feel that powerless is crippling. Whatever is causing her negative feelings, whether puberty or brain hormone imbalance or jealousy, it is so important that you seek help for her. No one ever helped me and years of my life have been blighted by depression. I am still trying to put my life back on track after all those damaged years.
Hopefully if she can overcome these problems now she will be able to have a normal and fulfilling life. It is not normal to wish you are dead when you are 11 years old, you know your daughter best, you know if these are genuine feelings or a way of manipulating you, listen to your gut and fight for her tooth and claw.

fluffycauliflower Thu 06-Oct-11 20:40:56

Thanks for your comments. Ecoevolution you must have had a hard time, thankyou for sharing it with me. What would ahve made the difference to you? I had a day out with my daughter on Sunday, just the two of us. She talked to me all day - not about feelings or anything, just about school and things. She was just as difficult on Monday and Tuesday.

ecoevolution Fri 07-Oct-11 18:48:57

Hi Fluffycauliflower,
I've been trying to think what would have helped me as a child and I suppose having someone who took me seriously and realised that I was in trouble emotionally would have made a difference. Not having that at the time meant that I never got any help and when I did manage to get some counseling as an adult I could not engage with the therapist so never got much out of it. As a child I couldn't help myself because I didn't know how to, other than hurting myself, not a great idea, so what I really needed was someone find the help for me. Of course kids are really bad at being able to express these feelings to us because they don't have the vocabulary to explain it.
What has made a difference to me as an adult has been finding a way of valuing myself and trusting my opinions, but that has taken years. It came about by finding ways to engage and be involved in my community which lead me to realise that I had a worth. Had I been taught at a much earlier age that I was valued and that my views were valid I could have developed that self esteem much sooner.
Your day out on Sunday sounds brilliant and I think that if she feels she can trust you, which she obviously does, she will eventually open up about what is causing her this distress.
I've just watched "Animals At Work" with my daughter and there was a piece about a troubled teenager who had become really difficult to the extent that she was excluded from school. She was helped by being encouraged to help rehabilitate a horse. The horse took on the role of life coach for her and gave her a passion and a new direction in her life which completely turned her around. Sometimes we just need to understand what the point is. I don't know but maybe that's what your daughter needs, a valid reason for being.
Maybe that sounds a bit wishy-washy, but all I really remember was the sense of total futility and powerlessness of my childhood, which changed when I realised that what I chose to do could actually change the world around me.
The other thing that might make a difference, my daughter was extremely shy when she was little so I got her to join a drama group at 6, it has made such a difference to her self esteem and self confidence. She's still shy but she deals with it much better now. Drama might not be your daughters thing but maybe it could provide a safe environment for her to explore and express situations and feelings in a less destructive way. Now that's something that would have helped me as a child.
I really hope you get to the bottom of your daughters negative thoughts and that they can be turned around. My thoughts and heart are with you and all your family. I hope this helps.

MaryRose Mon 10-Oct-11 10:34:42

hiya, just wanted to add that I went through this with my DD two years ago when she was 9. It was hellish and I was so worried, spoke to her teachers at school, looked into counselling etc. It lasted a few months and we just tried to give her more attention, it was tough but then it seemed to stop as suddenly as it started. I know that's not much help but just wanted to reassure you it will pass I'm sure and she'll be fine smile

WalkHomeBitches Mon 10-Oct-11 23:36:32

this may seem quite extreme but alot of young children now are diganosed with manic depression as it may be known bi-polar i think you should book another appointment to see a doctor or whoever and explain fully that your 11yr old DD has been having suicidale thoughts i work with kids and alot of the time they say things like that but its a one off occasion if she has thought this thought numberous times it could led to something quite serious

sanityseeker Tue 11-Oct-11 10:52:42

OMG this sounds like my 13 yr old , all the drama !! i understand they are real feeling but god it drives me mad about how self absorbed she can get - when she is not a total emotional wreck she is really rather a nice person but its like she can not handle all the feelings she has , and this is realy overwhealming for her . is this how you feel?
my daugher started puberty/periods at 9 and now has a serious (ish)boyfriend who she "loves" theses are very real feelings for her but only compounds all the overwealming emotional stuff she has going on .
its good that your daughter is telling you how she feels , i understand about how over talking and reflecting at this age can be counter productive
i am a qualifyed youth worker and have worked with teenagers for yrs but living with one is intense
good luck lovelies

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