Underage Sex

[ElleA]

My 14 yr old DD is driving me into an early grave, I really mean it. Am sitting here in tears. She absolutely hates met, swears at me, looks at me with such disrespect. If it wasn't for my other 12 year old daughter, I think I'd abandon ship. The latest thing happened this morning. Yesterday she was in a real grumpy mood. I went out with my youngest, and in the meantime, my friend came round and had a chat to her. DD told her that she feels ready to have sex with her 13 yr old boyfriend and wants to go on the pill. Bearing in mind my friend leads a pretty relaxed sexual lifestyle if you get my drift, I wasn't over the moon about what she said. My friend said she would take her to the family planning clinic if she wanted. I was fuming. God's sake, she's 14 and he's 13!! I knew it's tricky ground so I kept my mouth shut with my daughter but this morning I had words with DD and we had a huge row, she told me why don't I trust her etc, blah, blah. I said I didn't want her taking advice from someone like my friend. I love my friend to bits but what she gets up to makes my hair curl! How should I handle this, or have I messed up too much already. She's texting me at the moment venting her anger. Please help! x

[rose1927]

I dont know, If you had asked me a month ago my advice would of been different. My daughter is 17 and has just told us she is pregnant. School helped her to go on the pill at 14 and we knew nothing about it for months. We have had quite relaxed rules about boyfriends with emphasis being on not sleeping around which she hasn't and sexual health and contraception as she had already sorted out her contraception if seemed we were too late to stop her. Now she is pregnant I dont know if we were right.

On the other hand her friend is also pregnant and her family were very religous and strict with her, no sex, no drinking etc and to be honest she banged about like a barn door behind there back, so who is right I just think some kids really push the boundaries and sometimes you have to adjust your ideas maybe to keep them safe. You really wouldnt want her to get pregnant. If you feel by saying no she is too young you can get your message accross then I would do that but if she is going to go behind your back and just do it maybe its better to be safe than sorry. Really good luck, I feel like leaving home too maybe we could rent somewhere together lol. x

[ElleA]

Lol! Sounds good to me! Thanks for replying. God I don't know what to do for the best. When I was speaking to my friend about it I thought OK maybe I should take her to the doc but later on I thought 'arrrgh!!'. I've no one to bounce off at home with this as I'm divorced and she doesn't speak to her dad. I speak to him but he'd go BALLISTIC if he knew. So I feel like it's whirring around my head. Do the school help out then at times like this? What about the law and everything, as I thought if I took her to the Doc they'd totally frown upon me for allowing it all. I honestly don't think I could handle her getting pregnant. I think I'd melt like the witch in the Wizard of Oz. Wish she could just hang on till 16 maybe even late 15, know what I mean? xx

[rose1927]

Ha, think my dd thinks I am the witch...For us it went like this, school made the appointment for her at the docs and then she went along. I am friendly with someone who is a sister at another GP surgery and she said it was not uncommon at 14 and that she sees girls from all sorts of backgrounds from 13 onwards which is horrifying. It is one of those things where you just want to bury your head and come out in about 7 years to find them fully formed and adult. I have been the same about this pregnancy one minute it will be ok the next I am on the verge of a breakdown.

What about if you talk to her, tell her how you feel about it honestly ask her to try to respect your views. She could just go to family planning now without your consent, so maybe just make it plain how you feel and if she really wants to do this in reality how could you stop her. I felt by actually taking her to the gp I would in some way be saying it was ok. At least when she arranged this herself with the help of school I did somehow morally feel let off the hook as she still knew I felt it was not ok and she was too young but I had no choice but to accept her decision. I was furious with school though for taking this out of my hands.

But I really dont know if that is any use I have NO confidence in my parenting skills anymore. GOOD LUCK xxx

[ElleA]

That sounds great advice. You've unlocked it in my head. As long as she knows my opinion and feelings about it, and still goes ahead with it, something in her will tell her it's not the right thing. I think that's why I had to say something to her about it all. I'll try and talk to her later but I'm not looking forward to picking her up from school later. God can you imagine it? It's horrid feeling so hated and I feel really rejected too. I'm sorry you're going through it Rose. I'm sure everything will be OK xx

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Elle - I think you friend is overstepping boundaries really. She should not be saying that she is taking your daughter to get contraceoption. I know that you are not getting on with your dd, but I think that over steps a line.

My 14 year old has been on teh pill since she was 13 - she had heavy and painful periods and the pill has lessened this a lot. Now she has a 16 year old boyfriend, and I am concernmed that she may be considering sleepinh with him. She says that she has discussed it, and she wants to wait until she is older, and I believe her. However I have sat her down and said if she does want to sleep with him, she is to use a condom as well to prevent STI and pregnancy. I have also been open and honest about the consequences, discussed abortion etc. I was a young mother and she knows I have very strong feelings on the subject - if she gets pregnant i will strongly encourage her to have an abortion.

I think Elle try and sit down and talk to her about these things. I know it sounds as if she kicks off, but would you be able to get out of the house just the two of you, go and have something to eat together, and sit and talk about it like adults. I think if she has decided that she wants to sleep with her boyfriend it would be far better to be on her side, so to speak, and to encourage contraception etc, rather than be the 'enemy' from day one.

Rose - I hope you and your daughter are OK, must be such a shock for y ou.

[ElleA]

Thanks to you Pixie too x

[ElleA]

I agree Getorf... my friend has completely overstepped it. She thought she was doing me a favour as she's soooooooooooooo sexually experienced and I'm a bit more traditional and she maybe though my DD couldn't talk about things even though we have a lot. I kind of thought she could come to me. I kept everything completely away from my mum and couldn't speak about anything like that with her and I didn't want that with my daughter. I wouldn't mind if she was 15 even and her boyfriend was 16 and they'd been together for ages, but this boy's 13! Seems totally, totally wrong to me. Your daughter sounds lovely. Swap? xx

[GetOrfMoiLand]

My daughter is lovely - you wouldn't want her unbelievably messy room though and her habit of stuffing crisp packets down the back of the sofa.

I think they all have moments of madness though don't they, teenage girls. I think it is part of the bloody deal that they argue the toss all the time

Perhaps your dd would want to talk to you about it - her attitude may be as a result of your friend undermining you a bit, I maybe totally wrong but if she is making out she is all so totally sexually experiences (who is she - Samantha from Sex and teh City?) compared to you (old fashioned and traditional) then it really isn't fair, and is making out that you are somehow not worth talking to. You are her mum at the end of teh day, the buck stops with you. I would tell your friend to keep the hell out of it, she is NOT helping.

It is a really hard line - you don't want to be seen to encourage underage sex, but then again you don't want to push your daughter away from you (so she ends up confiding in your daft mate) - so difficult. I suppose the only thing you can do is encourage safe sex, say you really would prefer them to wait and keep your fingers crossed.

With my dd I am very lucky - she only sees her boyfriend at a supervised club twice a week, they don't go to the same school, and they barely see each other at weekends as they have other things to do. So I suppose one way to try and prevent and shenanigans is to prevent them from spending every waking hour together.

Good luck anyway - this teenage lark is fun isn't it

[cory]

Your friend sounds a bit sad tbh- I mean who would be encouraging someone to sleep with a 13yo boy (they are babies at that age!) just so it could give her a chance to show off as the cool sexually experienced adult? Someone fairly pathetic.

I would have a chat with your dd. Point out that she is older than her boyfriend and this gives her some responsibility not just for herself but for him. This may not be what his family had in mind, and it may well be that he will feel pressurised into something that he doesn't really feel mature enough for.

[ElleA]

Oh yes it's a blast! I find it hard to look at her photos on the wall when she was an angel. Sniff! I've been a bit of an idiot as she does see a lot of him at our house. That's how it started this morning, because I mentioned that he's not to come round to ours later then it all kicked off. I feel I've kind of left the barn door open and now it's hard to set boundaries. Wish I could keep her more interested in being with me by doing fun things but that's tricky as money's tight. Her dad isn't working plus she doesn't speak to him anyway as they had a huge row back in March so she probably thinks we're both boring farts so maybe that's why she's drifting towards other 'activities' so to speak x

[ElleA]

Thanks Cory. I completely agree. I think that's what's done my head in with all this xx

[titchy]

Your dd obviously gets on well with your friend, at least enough to confide in her. I'd certainly be sending a rocket up this friends arse - FFS encourgaing a 13 and 14 year old to sleep together. But, if she is a genuine friend can she talk to yuor dd and try and talk further with her - hopefully discouraging her at least for a while?

[abr1de]

If I thought another woman was encouraging a girl to sleep with my 13-year-old son I would be livid. He is a child!

[Chatelaine]

I know this sounds so old fashioned, but can you get your daughter to imagine this 13yr old child as a father? Explain/ask her to think of the qualities she would need/want in a potential father of her children, unless of course she can afford a child right now! In other words what is's like to be a woman. All very softly, softly catchy monkey like and over a period of time steer her to make sound judgements. He surely must be getting his sweeties after school, up in his room playing on his x box, doing the usaual self absorbed stuff. i would feel so angry and betrayed if a friend of mine gave advice that we had not discussed and agreed on before hand. Sounds like she gave way too much information, and has already been pointed out, probably thinks she has been so "cool" and is congratualting herself. Maybe she thinks she could have a career as a youth advisor/mentor. Be frank with your DD, that it is normal to get these feelings, but she can control them if she avoids situations that are difficult to say no in. Also don't criticise your friend in front of her as this gives her ammunition against you.