Does shouting ever work?

[TrickyTeenagersMum]

Hello, sorry this is a bit of a long one
Ds is 17 and I've posted on here before about him. We've had a turbulent 18 months with him in trouble at school, home and just about everywhere. He keeps assuring us that he's changing his ways but last night he went to his hockey practice and his big sister saw him having a fag on the sidelines before play even started. Then he didn't come home until 11.30 pm (this for a kid who is in the middle of AS retakes, A level coursework and should be taking his A levels this summer if not kicked out of school by then). We know he smokes dope (though not openly, he is banned from smoking of any sort at home). He has gone from bright eyed sporty kid to shambling skinny, spotty mess, underweight (6 ft and 10.5 stone).
Anyway, last night after his "night out" and before we'd been told about the cigarette incident, he was polishing his halo, charming at dinner, helped younger siblings with homework and bedtime and was (thinking back on it) being a bit of a creep! Obviously he cares enough to try and be good when he knows he might get in trouble. Big sis then told us about the smoking and that his 11.30 stay-out wasn't for a team evening in the clubhouse as he'd said but a smoking sesh with his pals.
I yelled at him this morning along the lines of "I don't like your lifestyle and I don't want to support you while you're making these choices".
But actually, I feel he has called our bluff - we are desperate to keep the peace so that he stays at school and at least takes (even if he does fail) his A levels. We know he smokes fags and dope and seem pretty well powerless to do anything about it.
We have almost no sanctions as he earns his own money and gets lifts everywhere. We have grounded him in the past but at nearly 18 that seems absurd.
Is it better just to turn a blind eye to all this crapness and let him make his own mistakes? Am dreading June when he finishes school and will presumably go totally off the rails - he was bad enough last summer holidays. He doesn't want to go to university, would you start charging him rent/turf him out, or just let him get it out of his system? We have two younger dcs who obviously I don't want exposed to the teen drugs lifestyle.

[webwiz]

I sympathise hugely TTMum as DD1(18) was a bit of a nightmare - We muddled through it all sometimes issuing punishments (refusing to pay for driving lessons) sometimes putting up with it. I felt it was very important for her to stay at school and finish her A levels so we did end up putting up with a lot of stuff that we shouldn't have. I was absolutely dreading A level results in case she didn't get a place at university and we had to put up with the constant stream of unsuitable boyfriends and bad behaviour for another year.

Even though she didn't actually get the results she needed her first choice university still took her and she is a different person now. She has just completed her first term and is happy, doing well and pleasant to be around. I find it hard to believe how terrible she was looking at her now.

If she hadn't gone to university I would have charged rent and set up house rules that she had to stick to or she would have been out. The problem with teenagers is that they live in the "now" and don't really think long term. What does your son plan to do after A levels? I know DD1 thought she would magically get a job that would fund a wild lifestyle of constant clubbing and perhaps even a flat of her own

[inthesticks]

I don't know the right answer but you sound like you are doing the right things.
I've just read a book called "Get out of my life but first take me and Alex to town" by Tony Wolfe.
One of the principles that struck me was that just because they break the house rules doesn't mean you should abandon the rules.

It does sound as though he acknowledges that his behaviour is wrong and sometimes trys to make up for it. Plus at least he's not doing it at home.

Please don't give up on him. As long as he has your stable home to come back to he is not slipping downhill into a complete druggy lifestyle. You say he earns money, I don't see why you shouldn't charge him lodge once he leaves school.

[TrickyTeenagersMum]

Hello you two nice people, thank you for your encouraging words. I also posted this on AIBU as I wanted to get more people to comment - well, see for yourselves, they certainly did! I think you are both absolutely right, we have decided to muddle through till May, then take it from there. Refuse to accept smoking n drugs (at least definitely in our house) and encourage him to work as much as possible in the hopes that he scrapes a few passes. Fingers crossed, eh...

[inthesticks]

TTM I've looked at your other thread and there are some useful ideas there.You are obviously an experienced parent and this just proves that it's nature as much as nurture. Anyone with more than one DC knows they are all different and just as you think you have learned what you need to know about a phase, the next child comes along and proves you wrong.

I think the majority of MNers have young children and so not much experience of older kids. I'm ashamed to say that I was certainly very judgy of teens when mine were babies.
I so wish this website had been here in the late 90s when I had my DSs. Those with teenagers are in the minority. Having said that, those younger mums are probably more in touch with life as a teen than I am because it's not so long since they were teenagers. I am very old.

[TrickyTeenagersMum]

Hello inthesticks, yes I know what you mean. I really did think we had the teen phase more or less off pat but this ds has taught me not to be so cocky! I thnk a lot of the mnetters who were all for chucking him out etc are as you say mums of much younger kids and not really at that delicate stage where you are trying to encourage the adult in them to appear - it's in there somewhere!
Webwiz, I like your story too. Though I think ds won't be beating a parth university-wards any time soon, it is encouraging to think that a change of scene and focus might help. Do you think it would be VERY bad if we bought him a one-0way ticket to Australia?!

[webwiz]

LOL at the ticket to Australia TTM but it can be helpful to realise that teenagers can change alot in a very short period of time! Lots of helpful people told us that DD1 was old enough to make her own mistakes and we should just let her give up on A levels I am so glad that we hung in there. This time last year she was staying out all night without us having a clue where she was. We had issues with drinking, smoking and cannabis as well. I know that according to the mumsnet view thats what all teenagers do - but they certainly don't in my house.

It might take a bit of time for your DS to sort himself out but that doesn't mean you can't tell him what your rules are and encourage him to follow them. Good luck, you need to keep your sanity when they decide to test the boundaries to the limit.