please help me in my resolve to crack down on dd

[ageing5yearseachyear]

i am a regular but have namechanged.
dd2 is 12 and a year 7, oldest in her year. looks at least 14, with the common sense of a 9 year old at a push.

she changed school in sept, much against her wishes ( long long story) but seemed to have settled in well. in the last few weeks she has become the teen from hell. I found out that she had a 14 year old boyfriend....I did the sensible thing and reflected on the fact that as a i had banned her from having a boyfriend until she was 14 i had encouraged the secrecy. So, on the basis that she only sees boy at school, i told her that whilst not keen, he seemed nice. thankfully, this only lasted a week or 2 before they split up ( apparently).

she has been foul to me- swearing at me- but things came to a head yesterday when she was found taking alcohol into school ( apparently squash with vodka in it). she says she was asked to by an older child ( it is a small school and they have vertical tutoring groups).

school have been very good, told her if they found anything in her bag she would be suspended and gave her the opportunity to remove it and tip it away.

my reaction to this is,as you would expect, to be mortified. things did not go well when she came home last night- she ran out of the house twice whilst i was discussing this with her.

i have removed all internet access, phone, mobiles, laptop and tv from her as a start as I do not think that this is helping and it is the only way i can think to meaningfully punish her.

but what do i do now? according to my 12 year old i am a fat ugly bitch. i do not trust her- i had a whole discussion last week about trust and this is what she does.

anyone got any advice please?

[Goblinchild]

Good start, stay calm and consistent with your rules, try not to lose your temper or care about all the insults flying your way now and in the future.
Pick your fights and be specific about what she is and isn't allowed to do, and listen to her side of things before making decisions.
Try not to waver or change the rules as you go, it muddles things up.
And keep finding support, because it's difficult and heart-breaking abnd you may feel you are in the wrong and need other perspectives to help you feel less isolated.
If there's another adult in the house, make decisions together or she'll try divide and slip through the cracks!

[ageing5yearseachyear]

thanks goblin- i am worried that i will waver- but i know that she needs very firm boundaries and to know that she has found them.

what i havent thought through though is how she can earn any of the stuff i have taken away from her back....... i want to through it all in the bin and tell her to start saving for replacements..which is probably not the way to go.

[Goblinchild]

Don't bin them, they are bargaining chips.
Set a goal, let her comply for a couple of days then reward her with an item. Don't give her something back on a promise.
Action=consequence, whether good or bad, so she needs to earn her stuff back.

[piscesmoon]

I agree that they are bargaining chips and while you have them she needs to listen. I would make her sit down -tell her that if she wants them back she has to talk to you-and have a proper discussion. There is obviously a huge gap between what you expect and what she wants. I would think that you could both write down your hopes and expectations and then look at the two lists and find any places where you can compromise and then work out some rules -just a few important ones. e.g.she isn't allowed to call you abusive names-alcohol is out when she is under age.
I would tell her that is she wants to be treated in a more mature way then she has to behave in a more mature way. Helping around the house would be a good start and she could earn her stuff back by doing the ironing etc.

[merrilyverily]

hi ageing5 - I think you're doing great. In the long run it'll be worth it. Have you read how to talk so teens listen. I found it really helpful in diffusing difficult situations, whilst still getting my point across - and if you're short of time you can just read the cartoons. all the best